THE LIFE WHEEL by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2008 written on October 1, 1991 translated by the author English text kindly revised by The Australian
USUAL DISCLAIMER
"THE LIFE WHEEL" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.
CHAPTER 13 - Marco 9 and Luca 4
Marco
Stefano from Germany and Arne from Denmark came. Kaj could not make it.
Leo and Tony along with other friends also made it. My father sent a funeral wreath inscribed "Marco's Parents".
It had been a simple ceremony, as he would have liked. A simple funeral but full of anguish.
Stefano and Arne stopped hereon occasions to keep me company. All my friends kept close to me, showing me all their affection. Regardless, my life is now empty, without Matteo. The guy who ran over him is now in jail, but this doesn't bring back my Matteo.
When I was informed about the accident, my first reaction was an odd calmness. I called Tony, and asking him to inform our friends. I called the school informing them that Matteo had been involved in an accident without telling them he had died, because I didn't want the school to take part in the funeral service. I did all that was needed. I think that Leo informed my parents. When the funeral was over, Leo informed the school that Matteo had died.
Just after that, the school called me telling me that they needed a temporary teacher until the end of the school year. "Professor Cordero is dead, we need to replace him". I felt it was a sign of destiny, and accepted.
When I went to the school, the Dean recognized me and asked me to go with her at her office.
She said, "Sincerely, I am not so happy with the secretary calling you, Olivero, but it seems that you were the only one on the list who is available. I am not happy because I well remember that you were a homosexual activist and I really don't like the idea that it could become common knowledge that one of our teachers is..."
"Don't worry, I will not try to seduce the boys, if this is what you fear."
"I can concede that you are well suited for the job, but amongst our students there are also some who are... let's say... like you, and who, having a teacher who is young and who is cast in the same mould... you can understand..."
"No, I can't understand. Are you meaning that they could tempt me or I lead them? You are evidently really narrow-minded, Madam the Dean."
"How do you dare to..."
"Listen carefully. You know nothing, but nothing! Professor Cordero was my teacher, if you can remember that far. I was in love with Professor Cordero and did all I could to make him understand, to get his attention but he put me in my place. Do you know why?"
"Because he evidently was the right sort man."
"That's true, but not in the sense you imagine. Professor Cordero was gay..."
"How do you dare to besmirch..."
"You are besmirching his memory. Professor Cordero, as I was telling you, was gay and yet..."
"I forbid you to say such infamy!"
"Shut up! Matteo was my lover, and I've just buried him! All the time here at school, even though he was in love with me, absolutely nothing happened between us because he was a model teacher! Only when I started to study at the university did he allowed himself to follow his heart, to confess me that he too was in love with me. And stop looking like that! or else... I said love, because what bound us for five years has been love, yes Madam!
"When I was a student I could not understand his behaviour, but now I can. Now I can, thanks to Matteo, to Professor Matteo Cordero della Rocca. I have come to understand that a teacher can not and never should mix his private life with his position as a teacher.
"And you now dare to tell me... Don't you feel ashamed, madam? It's true that a man teacher can fall in love with a girl student, or a lady teacher with a boy student. It happens! And so it was with me. Matteo was in love with me. But any teacher worth this name, would not so much as brush a finger against one of his students. Matteo never did it, I will never do it. I have the right to be put at Matteo's place, according to the official list's scores. I will carry on his work; we always prepared the lessons together, we always revised the students home work and tests together. I am the most suitable person to carry on from where he... where he..." I said and burst in tears.
It was probably this act more than my words that softened that hag of a Dean.
"I apologize, Professor Olivero. Section F is yours, at least until the school year ends. Do you feel like going to the classroom, now?"
"Yes, Dean. Sorry for my outburst."
"May I... give you my condolences, Professor?"
"Thank you."
I went to 2F classroom. I called over the roll and as I called the names it was as if I already knew each of them. I recalled the first lesson I had with Matteo, that so young and so charming a Professor...
Having to teach, and to teach these boys and girls, Matteo's students, helped me overcome my incredible my grief. I remembered that Matteo had said the same thing when he talked to me about his mother's death.
The boys were astounded at the fact that I was going on exactly where Matteo had left off.
A girl in the third year, in one of the first lessons, told me, "It's incredible but your explanations are exactly like those of Professor Cordero. We were all very fond of professor Cordero. We called him by his name... can we do the same with you?"
Then they were even more amazed when I was making references to their past compositions, "Did you go to the archive to read all our compositions?" they asked me. I smiled and didn't answer.
In my previous temporary teaching I always felt nervous and somewhat insecure. Now, I was feeling alright, almost as if Matteo was there, in my chair alongside me.
At the end of the second term, Madam the Dean summoned me to her office after the teachers meeting and told me, "It seems that you are skilled with our pupils. The students of 3F go on telling me that they almost feel as if they haven't had a change of teachers. The hold you in high esteem..."
"Thank you."
"Is it a burden for you to take over Professor Cordero's place?"
"All the contrary, it is helping me overcome the terrible agony of his death. Being here is doing me good."
"Do you know that when Cordero came to teach in our high school, he was the same age as you?"
"Yes, of course, I know very well. He was a greenhorn teacher in our opinion. My students probably judge me as being the same."
"Cordero quickly got your esteem and also that of his colleagues. I am feeling that you are doing the same. After the school trip, 2F is doing nothing but extolling your praise. Do you know what they told me? They say you are a strict teacher, you demand much of them, but also that you are really good. They say you are skilled in explaining things to them and that you really care about them. Students are severe judges you know! Your colleagues say that in Florence you have been able to make your students to behave. Yes, your colleagues say good about you."
"Thank you."
"But remember, I will keep an eye on you, young man, as any Dean has to do with a new and young teacher, but up until now I have no reasons to complain."
"Thank you."
Then... Luca, of 1F. I recognized him at once as I entered their classroom, thanks to the descriptions that Matteo gave of him. He was right. Luca is something of a mix of Leo and Tony, but with something else. Handsome, likeable, intelligent and studious, without being a bookworm.
About the end of the third term, Luca came to talk with me at the teachers' room. We were alone.
"Marco, can I tell you something that has noting to do with school?"
"Of course, Luca."
"I... I'm a friend of Leo. He told me about you and Matteo. I will not tell a word to my mates, don't worry, it's your private business. The others don't need to know about it, but... but I have to tell you that I'm really sorry for you. Matteo was exceptional, you must miss him a lot."
"Yes, very much."
"We loved Matteo, all of us. You know why? Because we could feel he loved us, all of us, without making any distinctions. And now, we are learning to love you too. My mates were often amazed because you, although physically different, seem really another Matteo, because of the way you behave. I now know why and I think it is really beautiful. Evidently you two were... just one thing."
"It is right, Luca, it is really so."
"Yes. Leo told me about you only when I told him that you are exactly the same as Matteo. He told me only because he well knows I can keep a secret but I had to tell you how I felt."
"Thank you. Do you know that Matteo told me a lot about you? He really liked you, as a student."
"When you came into our classroom the first time, I got the impression you... recognized me. But as I was sure I had never met you before, I though I was plain wrong. On the contrary... it was so, wasn't it? You recognized me because Matteo talked about me with you, am I right?"
"You are very sensitive, I see. Yes, you are right."
"Are you upset I'm talking to you about Matteo"?
"Not at all. I would talk about him all the time..."
"Yes, I understand. The break is almost over, I've to go back. I am happy you got Matteo's place. Thank you."
I felt the impulse to embrace him to thank him for what he came to say to me. That boy is really sweet, sensitive and good hearted. His words lifted my spirits much more than he can imagine.
Just after Matteo's death, Leo and Tony told me about my lover's legacy. I was already thinking that I might had to leave that apartment where I got to know such happiness, and instead... Matteo had foreseen everything.
My friends continue to be near me. They force me to go out with them in order to distract me. They are lovable. Silvio and Mario attended the funerals as well and for the first time after a long time they met again. It seems that Silvio is trying to be with Mario again. Who knows if their reconciliation is due to my Matteo? He believed in a life beyond life, and that dead people never desert people they love.
Yes, I have overcome the shock of Matteo's death. But I still feel a huge void in me, an emptiness that seems to lessen only when I am with one of my classes.
Sefano called me several times after the funeral. He says he wants me to spend next Summer with him and Kurt. I may possibly accept. He says that the situation up there is becoming odd. The more he tries to keep his distance with Karl, the more Karl seems to try to be closer to him. Poor Stefano, what a mess. I don't know what to advise him to do.
Leo got his university degree and found a very good job. He now earns a good salary. Tony is selling a lot of his works well and they are starting to have a more comfortable life.
Daniele and his partner opened a bookshop and it seems that they are getting off the ground. When they shut their shop, they often come to see me bringing some food, so that we can have supper together. They are a good company, very likeable. In their shop they have a section with gay books, so at times they bring me something new to read. Daniele says I should get to discos with them. He says it is time I meet somebody and that I do new friendships. In other words he says it's time I started having sex again.
I told him, "Not even five months have elapsed. Give me some more time. I too know that there is no sense in me keeping myself bottled up for the rest of my life. I too know that sooner or later I will feel the need to be in the arms of somebody again, but just give me some more time."
"We are afraid you might withdraw into yourself..."
"No, there isn't such a danger. I don't think that Matteo would want me to do that. For the moment I still don't feel that need. Certainly, my bed is empty, and I feel it terribly empty, but what I miss is not a male, it is Matteo. When the right moment comes, I think I will find the right person, but, believe me, this isn't the right moment."
"When you meet such a person, you will not be cheating on Matteo, just remember it."
"I know, I will not cheat on Matteo, it's impossible. If some day I meet someone I can love and who loves me, it will be something different from what was between Matteo and me. Neither better nor worst, just different. This is why my love for Matteo will remain unchanged. I can never think of looking for another Matteo, I would be senseless. What's more, it wouldn't be fair on the person I might eventually find. Well, what do you think? Am I or am I not a wise guy?" I concluded trying to make a joke of myself.
"Yes, Marco, you are really wise."
So, life goes on.
I anyway miss Matteo terribly, even though I know he remains near me, even though I often speak to him inside my heart.
The first few nights the bed retained his scent. Now it's losing it at each change of the linen, each time I open the windows. The apartment is gradually losing the traces of his presence. It is natural and it is right. It wouldn't be right to make of it a kind of museum. Matteo is inside my heart, and there his presence doesn't grow weaker, never disappears.
But I miss Matteo terribly.
Terribly.
Luca
I let go of Domenico, because he was trying to convince me to do porno movies. I let go of Mario because, regardless of his beauty, was boring in bed, he hasn't an ounce of romance. Renzo let me go because he fell for another guy. I'm just sorry that I can't meet his brother Lino anymore when he comes home on leave.
Then for three moths, I had sex with Carlo, a gay mate of mine in 3B, but then I stopped because he has little sadistic tendencies. Not really sadomasochistic, but while we have sex he gave me pinches and bites that leaved marks. Apart from that I liked him. For a while I tried to make to make him stop it, but I got fed up and told him to go fuck himself.
I was admitted at the fist course of senior high school, section F. Decent teachers, but there is one that I don't like at all and another one that is a hunk. The one I don't like is our PE Prof., who in my opinion is gay, judging from how he touches and looks at us, even though he always speaks of cunts trying to fool us. One day the turd stopped me and talk with me after the lesson, so that I was the last one to go to the locker room. Then came in behind me and stood there looking at me while I was changing. The way he looked at me annoyed me, so I just told him.
Then he, with a fucking little smile, said, "How come? Don't you like the way I'm looking at you? You are gay, aren't you? You shouldn't have a problem with that should you?"
"I love undressing in front of a guy I like, not in front of you. So what, you like young boys?" I asked him resolutely.
He lost his idiot smile and went out in a hurry.
The hunk teacher is our literature Prof. He is thirty-two and his name is Matteo Cordero. Besides being beautiful, (having a soft brown hair crop, clear blue eyes, a straight nose, tall like me, and a well proportioned body), it is extraordinary how he explains things, and how he treats us.
One day one of my class mates abused me by calling me faggot. The Prof. demanded he apologize to me, saying that nobody has the right to be disrespectful or to despise me because of my sexuality. Notwithstanding this episode about my personality, he's a guy that can really listen to you, who always helps you. In short, he's a Prof you can feel is always on your side. He's not at all a weak-kneed guy. He demands we study, to do all our homework; and when he says "That's enough, now", we have to become silent immediately. He knows how to laugh and jest with us, he knows the music and the groups we love, and when he explains literature to us he does it in a manner that makes us feel as if it is better than the last great movie that we saw. I'm not kidding.
As I said, he is also beautiful, and this does no harm. Half of the girls in my class drool over him. Well, I drool over him too. If I could have such a man, I would be as pleased as Punch.
Our fabulous teacher, at the beginning of March, was struck by a car. He was killed outright. When the dean came to tell us, we all felt like shit! We couldn't believe it, and some of us cried. We all wanted to go to his funeral, but she told us that it had already taken place.
Then came the substitute. A really young Prof, just twenty-four years old, and rather handsome. An athletic guy, a little taller than me, brown waved hair with a rebel wisp, green eyes... in short, a hunk.
As he came in our classroom he sat at the desk and said, so very seriously, "I am you literature teacher up to the end of the school year. My name is Marco Olivero. To get to know you I will read the role-call. Please stand up when I call your name."
While he was calling the roll, he looked around at us and I got the feeling that he looked at me in a special way, as if he already knew me, but I was sure I never saw him before. I would have remembered meeting such a hunk. Yet, just before calling "Luca Musumeci" he was already looking at me as if he really knew that it was me. But then I didn't think about that any more, as he didn't act any differently with me than with my mates.
The surprises with Prof. Olivero weren't over. He started the lesson exactly where Prof Cordero had finished, and in exactly in the same manner. This was not just my impression, but that of my class mates. The mates of the other two classes said the same. As a mate of the third class said "If I didn't see it with my own eyes that he is another Prof, if I didn't hear with my ears that his voice is different, I would swear that it is still Matteo teaching us".
Furthermore, it seemed he had read all the composition we did in the first term, because when he corrected our first composition he came out with sentences like "Ah, your usual mistake, be more careful". Or " In a previous composition you supported a different idea". Or just a "Your syntax is improving, very good"!
One day while talking with Leo, I told him about all of my feelings, as I was really struck and puzzled, and as I was not able to explain it.
Leo laughed, then said, "I know you well enough to know that if I confide something to you, that you will absolutely not repeat it to anyone, am I right"?
"If you ask me not to tell, I would absolutely not tell."
"I knew Matteo very well, not only because he has been my teacher, but also because later we became close friends. I also know very well Marco, because we were classmates and we are still close friends. You see, Luca, Matteo and Marco were lovers. They lived together for more than four years. They were already in love when they were teacher and student, but they never told it to each other. Only when Marco enrolled in University did they tell each other and they became lovers. Marco helped Matteo to revise his student's home works and to prepare the lessons. As well as Matteo helped Marco in his studies and to prepare for his exams. They always did everything together. This is why in a sense Marco really knows you quite well, and as you said, he went on where Matteo left off."
We talked for a long time about Matteo and Marco. I was fascinated by what Leo was telling me, and was starting to see everything from a different light, and started feeling a very strong liking for Marco.
In spite of my promise to Leo, I felt that of course I would tell nobody, but I had to tell Marco. So one day while during the lessons break I saw Marco alone in the Teachers room, I went in and asked him if I could talk with him. And I told him I knew about him and Matteo. I was not sure I was doing right, but I felt I wanted to be honest to with him.
Marco listened then told me that Matteo had often talked about me. This pleased me a lot. For a moment Marco opened me his heart to me. In a few words he made me understand how much love bound them. I felt moved. We talked only for a few minutes, but I now see Marco under a new light, totally different. I feel more and more fascinated by Marco. I don't mean only physically, but by his personality. Now that I know he is gay, I feel a lot closer to him.
I already admired him, but now I admire him even more. I mean, I'm starting to think that I would like to become like him, to be able to love like him. Up to now I had just sexual indulgences, fuck sessions. Will I ever find somebody to love, and to be loved in return like Matteo and Marco loved each other? It would be great.
I would like to talk longer with Marco, open my heart to him, asking his advice, discuss things with him, but I don't want to seem to isolate my self from the rest of the class or to seem to gain advantage as I know Marco would never accept the situation. Just as Matteo did, he treats us all the same. It's fair this way. After all I'm lucky I can open my heart to Leo. Now that I know that Leo was close to Matteo and Marco, I feel I can open my heart to him even more than before.
Marco got this temporary teaching post only up to the end of the school year. Who knows if next year he will be given this teaching post or if we would get another teacher? I hope Marco can again be our teacher, and this hope is not just mine but also of all his three classes. It doesn't depend just on us. Leo explained to me that it is a problem of listings at the regional education office. He said that Marco has a good score and yet there is just one possibility in forty he can be confirmed. Unhappily it is really low odds. I asked Leo if it would be useful that his three classes go to talk with the Dean and with the education office. Leo said that possibly it would be useless, but that anyway it wouldn't do any harm to anybody. But he also told me that, as our Dean knows that Marco is gay, it would be better I wouldn't be part of the delegation and that I shouldn't get mixed up in the delegation. I'm afraid he's right.
So, I put a proposal to my mates to see if we can do something. Even though we have little chances to succeed, we can try. My class mates agreed at once so we went to talk with the mates of the second and third class. We decided to form a delegation composed of two students per class, a boy and a girl, who gathered all our signatures and also those of our parents (as usual my brother signed for me) on two letters. Then the delegation went to give one to the Dean and the other to the local director of education. As we expected, the answer was "It doesn't depend on us, but only by the scores list".
A few days ago I thought that Marco met Matteo when he was the same age as me. Matteo was twenty-four as Marco is now.
What an odd coincidence.
CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 14
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