Before I get into the Legal stuff, I want to say thanks first to my Editor, Pete. He always does a wonderful job. Second, I want to thank my Readers. You guys are the best.
Okay, these characters are not meant to resemble any living or dead person. I make no apology to anyone who is offended by anything in this story.
If you find the idea of guys being in love offensive then need to find something else to read and do it now!
Let me know what you think of the story by emailing me at Hnstskr4@aol.com
Copyright 2010 by Chuck B.
Chapter 8
Church Stance and Family Standards
So I'm in church listening to my Sunday school teacher talk about homosexuality. These lessons get me so down. It's hard to listen to this stuff. I mean, I don't hate the church, but how can I stay here knowing that being gay is looked at as a bad thing? After a while I just get tired of hearing it. Maybe I should have walked out on them. I've heard somewhere that I can be gay as long as I don't have sex with a guy. All I can do is try. It's not easy avoiding sex when your guy looks as good as Steve. All I know is that I want to be happy.
What person doesn't want to be happy? I'm not sure that having sex and being with Steve is going to be make me happy. The church would have me believe that being gay and having sex would only bring me misery. I suppose the leaders might be right. Still, I've never been this happy in my entire life. In a weird sense, I am truly happy. Why is Dale over there smiling away?
Dale is sitting over there smiling his fool head off. He is no doubt thinking that he has me, that after hearing these lessons on why I shouldn't follow my heart, that I'll withdrawal my being gay and date Cathy for real. Sorry, I can't go back to being confused and lost. He just has to realize that I'm not going to change my sexuality, that I can't change my sexuality. I've thought about it and it's not going to happen. He needs to shut up before I hit him, repeatedly.
Sometimes, I just want to walk up to him and knock his attitude out the window. I'm not a violent person but in his case, I'll make an exception. Maybe, I'll release Steve on him. Hmm... I think that thought has occurred to me on more than one occasion. I don't know why I was friends with him in the first place. Look at how he's treating me now. My anger is at a point where if the opportunity did come for me to jump him, I might just punch him a couple times in his crotch. Wish there was a way to make him wish that he never approached me on this whole "gay recovery" mission of his. Wow... I'm getting the over whelming desire to smash his mouth right now.
I've never had this feeling before. Now, I'm pretty sure that the violence isn't okay. Need to cool it down a bit. Maybe if I get up and get a drink the need to punch out his kidneys will disappear. Well, I left the room and headed toward the drinking fountain, and no, it didn't help at all. I still want to choke him. Guess I need to repent for wanting to physically hurt someone.
Journal Entry:
Hey journal, this is being written while I sit in church. It's actually our sacrament meeting (which is sort of like mass, I guess). A couple hours ago, I had an overwhelming desire/need to hurt someone. I've never in my life felt like that before. Not that I hated the feeling, but it's not the sort of person that Eric Keiser is, or wants to be.
Who do I want to hurt? It's Dale again. The whole time I sat in class, he sat smiling like the Cheshire Cat. Like he had something on me and was letting me know, that he had me by the balls. Which in a way he does, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. Where does he get off trying to pressure me like this? Don't I get enough of that at church anyway? Well, I had better go!
Journal entry ended
I'm really feeling confused over the church's stand on Prop 8. Not surprised by their take on Prop 8, but rather by their actions. For a church that has been stressing tolerance, they don't seem to be very tolerant lately. I think, we should be allowed to marry. It's fine with me if the church wishes to not marry us. It's sad that they're throwing money into this fight. Aren't we commanded to love one another? Seems to me that somewhere along the line, some people have forgotten what love is.
We shouldn't have to hear from the pulpit the need to be tolerant. We're Christians! Sure, there might be times that we shouldn't be tolerant, e.g. when drugs start moving into our neighborhoods. I know there is a lot more than homophobia in some of the church member's hearts. Some of the members in my ward seem kind of racist. Maybe it's my imagination, but I see a lot of intolerance towards others and it's not just directed at the GLBT community either.
Well, it's now Monday, which means it's time for our weekly family time. The first Monday and last Monday of each month, Dad teaches something from church doctrine. This week, no big surprise, Dad is teaching the evils of homosexuality. Most of what he said I allowed to go in one ear and out the other, but something he said really got me.
"If anyone in our family thinks they might be gay, they need to immediately talk to me or one of my counselors and then follow their advice on the matter. If you carry out on this sin, then you will face church court. I will not protect a sinner!"
Once again, Dad has used fear as a means to teach us. Alex looked shocked. I also noticed that Mom instantly picked up on Alex's reaction to Dad's comment. Mom didn't say anything, but it still made me wonder what was going on in her head. Dad made sure that we understood the church's stance on homosexuality. It's funny, but I've always wanted to ask where homosexuality comes from. Although I am pretty sure the answer would be the devil. Still that question remains in my head. Somehow, whenever the topic is discussed either in church or at home, I end up feeling like I want to crawl down into a hole.
I just want to hide myself. Maybe it's the fear of them somehow seeing my gayness through my flesh. I suppose it's guilt for being who I am. Still, if there is one thing that being in Current Events has taught, it's that gay teens who carry around guilt for being gay seem to commit suicide. I don't want to become a name and year on someone's website. Don't want to be remembered as the teen who killed himself because he's gay. I'm just not ready for my family to know that I'm gay. I'm really not ready for anyone to know that I'm gay. Guess I'm pretty messed up, huh? Don't worry; I know that I can't stay hidden forever.
At some point, I have to come out to my family and the world. Does it have to be now though? Everything seems to be falling into place. I've got Steve in my life and he makes my days worth living. In the last week, he's been my rock. Deep inside of me, I know he'll be even more important to me. Can't explain it, but I know he'll save me. Do I worry too much over the future?
I just wish I had ESP or a crystal ball. Need to know, what the future has in store for me. How will Mom and Dad react when I finally do tell them about me? What will happen when I tell them about Steve? Even better, what will they say when I tell them that I intended to be with him forever? I'm sure it won't be pretty. They'll hit the roof for sure. I just don't want to lose my life.
"Journal entry: Dear Journal,
A certain amount of dread has entered my soul tonight. It's kind of always been there, but tonight is somehow different. I can't shake it. Usually, I can send the dread packing by thinking of the good things in my life. Tonight, it feels like boulders are tied to my shoulders and my knees. So much depends on Mom and Dad not finding out about me and Steve. There is little doubt that they will find out at some point. How do I move once they do? My mind is pacing right now. There is a whisper of danger in the air. It's feeling pretty bad right now. Going to lay down for a nap."
I found myself fast asleep. Eventually, I find myself in a dream at school. I'm minding my own business, standing by my locker when from nowhere Dale punches me to the floor. He's pounding on me when along comes Steve and ends the fight. I immediately find myself at my house watching my mom pick up the phone. I hear her start to cry and then call for Dad. It's as if I'm ghost. She either can't see me or refuses to see me. When Dad comes into the room, I feel more tangible, more real. Dad looks me and tells me to get out of this house. He doesn't want me anymore. Mom also chimes in and says that she doesn't want me talking to my sisters or my brothers. As I turn to walk out of the house, tears are streaming down my face. My eyes catch a glimpse of Alex gazing down at the door from the top of the stairs and she is in tears too. I see her run into my room. From there, I am whisked away to Sarah's where I wake up. I can't hold it in anymore, and I wake up crying.
I'm sitting in my bed crying and hoping that no one else can hear me. Before I know it, Alex comes into the room. She looks me and climbs onto the bed. Apparently, she is going to be comforter. I can see the worry in her eyes.
"Eric, what's wrong?? Are you okay?"
"I just had a bad dream."
She still looked worried. I told her what had happened in the dream. She smiled! Wow...never knew her smiles meant that much to me before, but today it helped to ease the pain.
"Eric, it's going to be okay. I promise, it will be okay."
How could I tell her that it's not going to be okay? I can't tell her that Mom and Dad won't let me stay here if they find out.
"Alex, I don't want you to think that everything is going to be okay. I don't know what's going to happen but it's going to be bad. Why don't you go and do your homework?"
I knew that she wasn't going to budge on this one, so I gave up and had her pass my phone. I quickly dialed Steve's number and waited for the voice that was going to ease the pain.
"Hey Babe, what's up?"
"Steve, I had another bad dream. I'll make it short. Basically, Dale beats me. You beat Dale up. Dale calls my parents. I go home and see Mom crying. Mom calls Dad into the room. Dad kicks me out of the house. Alex calls Sarah and I end up living there."
"You've been crying again huh?"
"You can tell huh?"
"Yeah, I can hear it in your voice."
"I'm really worried about Dale. I wish that I knew a way to get him to see that I'm still me."
"Listen, you don't have to worry about Dale. You have me, Sarah, Mark, and Alex. You'll be fine. You will never ever, be alone!"