Copyright 2024 – Daemon D. Hart
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The Human Bearer
He was still trying to struggle, to fight, but all the energy and will were gone from his limbs, and he was only dimly aware of the trembling in his body, the sudden jerks of his muscles, while Marn was holding him, speaking to him words he couldn't understand the meaning of over the constant thumping of blood in his ears.
All he knew, in that very moment, was pain. He couldn't even begin to analyze its nature. In the simplest of terms, he could call it the pain of losing those – possibly, maybe – imaginary children. But it was more than that; it was complex, and it ran deep, somewhere inside the very core of his existence. During his time on Earth, Riordan had never believed in the existence of a spiritual world, not even as a concept. And now, having been touched by what had to be one of the Xeno race's ancient gods if not the one and only, he felt the loss in his heart stretching wide and large, like a black hole threatening to engulf everything and leave him with nothing to hold on to.
A door was opening somewhere. And then, another pair of strong arms was pulling him away from Marn, pressing his head against a warm chest he knew so well. Xana's gentle scent comforted him, and he grabbed onto his owner's blue coat, the one he'd been wearing on the ship ever since he'd come back to him. His forehead against his husband's body, he let himself cry, no matter how difficult it was for him to define the nature of his pain.
"Riordan," Xana called for him desperately, "Riordan."
Or maybe he was just repeating his name to assure himself that Riordan was right there, that he wasn't lost, and that despair that laced every word he said made things better like a balm applied to the scorched surface of a burn wound.
"I'm here," he heard himself saying, his voice dropped to a pained whisper.
"Where did you find him?"
Xana's question was directed at Marn, not him.
"His body was tethered to the ship," Marn's steady voice replied. "I don't understand how we could have missed it so many times we looked."
Something was strange about what Marn was saying. Tethered how? And missed? Many times?
"When is now?" he asked the first question that came to his mind, although it wasn't making much sense. "How long... Where was I?"
Xana caressed his head slowly and held him close as if he were afraid to let go of him. Any closer to each other and they would become one and the same. Riordan felt considerably better than upon waking up under Marn's scrutinizing eyes. Only in his beloved's arms he was safe.
"Considering the regular cycle of day-night that we use on the ship," Marn explained, "we have lost all contact with you for three weeks. Twenty-one days, to the second."
"What?!" Riordan turned his head as much as Xana allowed him to and gave His Royal Chancellor a startled look. "I was nowhere for three weeks? And Junior? How is he?"
Xana caressed his head. "You'll see him soon. He misses you something fierce, as you may well imagine."
Marn's voice cut Xana's words short. "We all thought we lost you. We tried in vain to contact you, fearing that you're somewhere in the belly of the ship or outside it, injured and in need of help, but nothing worked."
"But you saw me... you said that my intervention saved the ship!" He couldn't keep in his anger, and Marn made him react like that. "Let Xana talk. I don't want to hear you."
"I'm afraid I can't enlighten you on what happened, my love," Xana said tenderly, his hands moving slowly over Riordan's back as if to assure himself that he was there, in flesh and blood, and not only a figment of his imagination. "All I've known over these last weeks was the pain of having lost you and the anger at myself for not being able to have protected you when it mattered."
Riordan wrapped his arms tightly around Xana's waist. His husband was in need of comfort just as much as he. There was no monopoly on pain around here, no room for it, without a doubt. Without letting go of his beloved, he turned to face Marn again.
"Explain everything. Start at the beginning, when this plan of yours took shape in your head. And make sure not to leave anything aside. Maybe I'm just a puny human, but I bet Xana can tell when you're lying. Another thing. Don't stop until you reached the end of this fucked up scenario that you created."
To his surprise, Marn had a weary look on his face. It wasn't often to see a mighty Xeno getting reduced to this – almost human – state of appearing in front of others as if he had weaknesses hidden inside himself.
"The plan, as you call it, Riordan, was never mine." He turned and faced the wall, making Riordan wonder what His Royal Chancellor had to hide besides the usual. Maybe that weakness, that look on his face that belonged to a beaten man, not a mighty Xeno.
Still, he couldn't let himself be fooled. The leader of the Xeno race, of the one left on Tu'lek, at least, was a seasoned politician. Without a doubt, he knew how to act to fool humans into believing whatever he wanted. Despite his emotional response to seeing the all mighty big chief in that state, Riordan chose to steel himself and believe nothing unless it was a hard truth. How he'd be able to tell the difference from regular bullshit, he had no idea. He just knew that his heart had a measure for it, and he'd believe it when it happened.
"The leaders of Xeno have always had the best of the planet and our race at heart and in their minds. Ever since Gamni Gafilos and his supporters have created this secession in our society, I've known that the time for taking painful decisions would come."
"I don't see how sacrificing my and Xana's children was painful to you," Riordan shot back, without mercy.
"What are you talking about, my love?" Xana asked.
Riordan felt the bitterness in his heart twisting his mouth. "Before His Excellency explains to us whatever went through his head when putting together his plan, it's better I tell you what happened and what I saw." He took one deep breath, while Xana continued to comfort him. "Those children of ours, the ones at the pond that Junior saw for the truth they were--"
"Junior did?" Marn sounded disconcerted by that bit of revelation. "How is that even possible? What did he see exactly?"
Riordan had a mind to leave the Xeno leader in the dark, but there were more important matters at hand, even than his pain and anger. "He saw them, in their pure form, or whatever your race calls it. He saw them as full-bodied snakes, not as half-half." He stopped and observed Marn, the play of emotions on his face. His Excellency was either a liar out of this world or any world, for that matter, or he was truly dumbfounded by all Riordan was saying.
"That is impossible."
"And I'm telling you it's not," Riordan countered the immediate negation coming from Marn. "Here's the thing. I have no idea how you made us create them, but Junior is pretty damn sure that his brothers and sisters were never inside me, like the Xenolites I have inside me now. Nor inside Xana." As soon as the words left his mouth, Riordan clutched at his belly in terror. But it was short-lived. They were there, and he liked to think that he'd know if something was wrong with them.
"And that would be the truth," Marn said wearily. "They never truly existed, hence the need to keep their illusion trapped inside that special space, created specifically for them."
"What? Illusion? But I held them!" Riordan was well aware of how emotional he was and sounded, but he couldn't hold back. "And if they were such a well-thought illusion, as you say, how come they sacrificed themselves to protect the ship?"
"Slow down, my love," Xana said, "or let me see inside your mind. It would be easier if you did so."
"I'd rather use speech like the puny Earthian I am," Riordan said stubbornly. "I have nothing against showing you everything, but our friend here is not allowed inside my head anymore. I don't care that you're this big bad Xeno who does whatever he thinks it's right all the time, I forbid you." Even to his ears, he sounded like a petulant child, but maybe he was allowed a tantrum or two, given everything that he'd been through.
"And I respect your decision," Marn replied, lifting his hands as a placating sign.
"Like I'd believe that." Riordan crossed his arms while leaning against Xana, who held him by his shoulders and kissed the crown of his head tenderly. "What happened is that I found myself outside the ship during the attack, and I can't explain how that came to be. All I know is that I was floating in space, and ghosts as large as the sky around were piercing the ship's hull. Were you fighting the same things inside?"
"Xana was our most vengeful fighter," Marn assured him. "Due to his gained immunity to the poison created by Gamni Gafilos, he could eliminate our attackers, one by one."
Riordan closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. "I don't think that would have been enough. There were others, outside of the ship. I saw them..." He turned his head to look at Xana. "Do you think that I dreamed everything?"
"You didn't," Marn replied instead. "Tell me what you saw, Riordan, and I will tell you what we did. Because I'm sure that there is something here that's astonishing in its own right, and I'd like to hear it all."
Riordan pushed his hands down and closed his fists. "Our children, Xana's and mine, were there. They fought those outside attackers and prevailed. But they weren't the only ones there."
Marn frowned slightly. "I was aware of their presence and their fight. And I felt you, commanding them with your mind. Strangely enough, I had no notion of where you truly were. Your presence was all around, everywhere."
"Wait a minute," Xana hissed, "did you use my beloved as a puppet for your plan?"
Marn observed them slowly, with keen eyes. "So young. So hot-headed. And so brilliant, too. If my son were here, along with his bearer, they would have been my first choice."
"Would you put your own son through such pain? I doubt it," Riordan said through his teeth. "And I don't think you'd have sacrificed your own for the sake of this ship and the souls living inside it."
"That's where you're wrong, Riordan. You speak of sacrifice. But without this sacrifice, as you say, everyone would be dead now. They didn't live the way you and I are alive." As Marn spoke, Riordan felt as if the space around them moved farther away, and only the snakeman's hypnotic voice remained.
He shook his head violently. "Stop it," he growled. "I may not be able to tell a lot of things you guys are doing, but you were trying to manipulate me right now. I hate that shit. Now, tell me more. Tell me, and let Xana hear it, too, how you used our children as a shield for Tu'lek. By the way, we Earthians might be a weak race, but this type of thing is the stuff nightmares are made of. Children as shields, in case you still don't get what I'm saying."
"But I wasn't the one to do it. You did it, Riordan."
At this point, his fingernails were digging deep into his palm. Of course Marn would say such a thing. "As if there was any choice left. Xana and Junior and everyone else I love were inside the ship, fighting for their lives, while those ghosts or whatever they were, tried to reach them and kill everyone. But let me tell you a little secret. I couldn't do it, not by myself."
"What do you mean?" Xana asked at the same time as Marn.
Riordan braced himself. He doubted Marn would believe him. He hoped Xana would, although his husband had been quite sure that the Xeno race had no need for deities and the like and had never had. "I dreamed of this huge snake the night before. He showed me the Xeno race's perfect world. And he showed me the future, too. The immediate future."
By the silence filling the room, Riordan knew that he got all the attention he needed at the moment. "In this future, I saw our children sacrificing themselves. They didn't only killed the ghosts hurting the ship, they turned into an actual shield. They are still here, only that--" He stopped for a moment, the ache and feeling of loss from before coming back at him strongly. "I doubt they're still alive. I can't see how. But I suppose crying for them is useless since they were never real, right?"
He was only dimly aware of the tears falling down his cheeks. He wiped them angrily with the back of his hands, but they still kept on coming. "Enlighten me, Your Excellency. What were our children, truly? How can I stop this thing," he pressed his hands against his chest, "that keeps on splitting my heart wide open?"
Marn's eyes filled with pity. "They were samples of you two, combined. No, not living tissue. Your bright offspring saw through it all. I didn't clone you if you were wondering about it."
"Then you did what? Cloned our... brains?"
"Your thoughts of love, of your bond," Marn explained. "The actual how is extremely complicated to explain. But I will do it anyway. Yes, Riordan, I know you want to know everything, and you will. And you will have to tell me more about this giant snake that showed you the future."
"I am quite interested, as well," Xana said in an icy tone. "Such things are unimaginable, Your Excellency. You should have consulted us first."
"And risk your answer to be `no'? I'll bear all the consequences of my actions."
"As if there'd be any," Riordan said. "You're the one in charge. Nothing bad will come your way."
"That's where you're wrong, Riordan." Marn linked his hands together and stared at them for a moment. "Gamni Gafilos and those like him used ancient knowledge and power to summon those ghosts, as you call them. They weren't afraid to die, you see, because their souls would be taken and given a different purpose. They believed in eternal life, and that was their way to achieve it. At least, until reaching Tanez."
"I've heard a bit about this story of eternal life on Tanez. Is that why we're rushing there? To become immortal?"
"Immortality comes with a great cost. Not even Xenos, as powerful as they are, can't escape the fate that comes with it. Gamni Gafilos and his supporters wrongly believed the cost was worth it."
"What does that fucked up general have to do with... can I even call them our children anymore?" Riordan asked, his head buzzing with all the information Marn was bringing forward.
"You can call them what your heart demands you to call them," Marn offered. "I had to tap into the same knowledge and power if I were to ensure the survival of Tu'lek. I needed a couple with a strong bond. I chose you two. Yes, against your will. The fact that I had to punish you worked perfectly into my plan."
"Boy, am I glad to see you regretting your actions," Riordan said sourly.
"I have no such regrets," Marn replied promptly.
"I can see that clearly," Xana intervened, his words followed by a low menacing hiss.
Marn appeared to be slightly amused. "You're changing, Xana. It is an interesting thing to follow. Not so long before, you wouldn't have thought twice about sacrificing your own – to use Earthian terms – for the sake of our entire race. Now, your bond with your bearer is so strong that your priorities, your reason to exist, change under my very eyes."
"I bet you don't like it at all," Riordan said.
"That's not true. Your strong bond came with the possibility to create the weapon we needed to repel the traitors' attack."
"Weapon," Xana said in a low growl. "Our children as a weapon."
It was Riordan's turn to hold Xana back. "I hate it just as much, but let's hear him out. And then, we'll never talk to him again." He hated how Marn made sense in his own fucked up way. Without his and Xana's children's sacrifice, would there have been a chance, any chance, for Tu'lek to survive? Xana and Junior would have perished, along with everyone else. Having that thought alone felt unbearable.
"I placed the two of you in a stasis right after Xana put the two eggs you're carrying now inside you. And I explored your minds, your dreams of love, in a search to understand what makes your bond so strong. It was easier than I thought. Your mind processes, all of them, had the same markers to identify your feelings for each other."
"So, you cloned our thoughts of love?" Riordan asked. He couldn't tell he understood much of what Marn was saying. But he understood the result. The children were figments of their imagination, his and Xana's. "Our unborn babies?"
"You could say that. You haven't lost them, Riordan. Provided that we reach Tanez, there's no reason why you wouldn't give birth to all of them, eventually."
"Am I going to have them all? Fifteen of them?" Riordan's eyes grew wide and then he frowned. "Is this your way of lying to me just to appease me?"
"No," Marn said simply. "They are all the children you and Xana will have throughout your very long lives. Again, as long as we reach Tanez safe and sound."
Riordan couldn't deny that the hole in his heart was slowly filling up. "But wait, aren't they going to... remember the whole trauma of having sacrificed themselves for us?"
"They didn't exist, Riordan," Marn reminded him patiently. "An idea is not the same as its existing consequence."
"And yet, it is," Riordan added and pinched the bridge of his nose. "What does it really mean? Those fifteen boys and girls, are they going to be with us? Just as I saw them?"
"Yes. They are what you and Xana imagined them to be. And, if it helps, there was a bit of work for both of you to conceive girls, as well. It's not an easy thing for the Xeno race to bring females to life, regardless of the choice of bearers."
"I wish what you say is true, but... I witnessed their sacrifice," Riordan insisted. "They're the shield outside the ship. I saw it with my own eyes."
"You did. But you have also seen the feed from the cameras outside," Marn pointed out patiently. "Now, Riordan, tell me about this deity you mentioned. I tend to think he only exists in your Earthian imagination, but--"
"Another time," Riordan said brusquely. "I want to see Junior. Now." His heart was lighter, although he didn't want to believe everything so easily. He just couldn't wait any longer to hold his son, the only one he could hug right now. All this talk about having fifteen more children with Xana in the future was enough to make him dizzy.
"As you wish," Marn said courteously and moved out of the way.
Xana's body thrummed with the anticipation of violence as they exited the med bay where Marn had kept him until now. Riordan watched his husband briefly. "Do you think he's lying, Xana? Just to fool me?"
Xana shook his head. "No. But that doesn't change anything about what he had done. He didn't ask us."
"That's true," Riordan agreed. "But maybe there was no time for talking about it."
"Are you on his side now?" Xana asked, taking him by the arm and bringing their faces close.
Riordan needed to remind himself that Xana experienced all these new things like someone who hadn't lived long. Betrayal, rebellion, even caring, were feelings he hadn't felt strongly before.
"No, I'm not. But he's right about having saved the ship this way. I hate that he's right, and I hate him, too. On the other hand, Xana," Riordan said softly while touching his belly, "can you imagine? Fifteen more boys and girls?"
Xana's grip relaxed, and his face softened. "I can imagine. It's all about spending a long life with you, having children with you."
Riordan sighed. Xana would live a long life, of course. But it wasn't the same for humans.
"What is it?" Xana asked and caressed his face.
"I'm not sure," he lied, and then reconsidered. "You'll have our children with you. When I'm gone--"
"Why would you be gone?" Xana asked sharply.
"Because of old age, silly," Riordan said while sensing his eyes getting wet again. "I bet you'll still be a strapping Xeno when I'm old and grey. I'm going to tell you right now. When that happens, you're free to take on a new lover," he joked. "Although there won't be too many Earthians left on Tanez once I get to some venerable age, right?"
Xana hugged him abruptly and held him close. "I won't allow it to happen. You won't grow old before me."
"Denial is a river in Egypt, Xana," Riordan said with a sigh and hugged his Xeno husband back.
"What do you mean?"
"Just an ancient Earthian joke," Riordan replied. "Although I do take back that thing about taking on a lover. You're not allowed."
Xana breathed out noisily. "Of course. I can't even think of it. It's an appalling thought."
Riordan threw a look over his shoulder at the closed doors behind them. "Do you think Marn is alright? He seemed off to me."
"Because he realized how big of an asshole he is?" Xana asked.
Riordan punched him in the shoulder. "You should watch that language around Junior."
"Always."
Xana mustn't have noticed anything wrong with Marn, but Riordan had a slight unsettling feeling about His Royal Chancellor. He was a Xeno with the ability to extract imaginary children from the minds of parents. He'd probably be fine. Despite hating the guy right now, Riordan told himself that he would check on him later. He'd ask his questions then.
tbc
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