I stood in front of the full length mirror in my bedroom. I studied my reflection. I guess you could say I was looking for clues. I analyzed my long black curly hair, which I always wear in a ponytail. I inspected my brown skin, my blue eyes, my blue jeans, my striped t-shirt. I looked like I always looked, like I was ok. But I'm not, no one really knows that. There has to be something wrong with me, genetically that is. Zari's fine, I mean she's head over heels with Johnny boy and me, I'm just screwed. My breath became ragged, I'm falling apart. I heard the creak of the front door.
"Kira? Guess who I have forth period gym with." Zari shouted from downstairs. Zari made her presence known when she entered the door. "Kira, are you home?" I moved away from my mirror and towards my bed. I willed the tears that were forming in the corners of my eyes, away.
"Yea, I'm home." My voice cracked a little, god I'm such a mess.
"Good cuz we got lots to talk about." She made her way up the stairs and entered my bedroom. I was sitting cross legged in the middle of my bed, Zari looked around a bit before she sat down in my computer chair, the chair I had in front of my computer desk. "This place is a mess." She scrunched up her nose. My room wasn't that bad, she was the one that messed up my closet and I had a few papers scattered here and there. "So you weren't doing any homework," Her gazed at my unopened backpack across the room." and you obviously weren't studying for a test, you don't seem to be sick , and you went to bed early last night so don't even tell me your tired."
"What are you talking about?" I wasn't in the mood for a puzzle right now.
"Why'd you skip today? We made a deal that you wouldn't do that anymore." Zari narrowed her eyes accusingly.
"Who told you I skipped?" Last year I barely went to class, not because I couldn't do the work but because hate school. I've always hated school and last year it started getting harder and harder to go. At school Zari hung out all day with the popular sluts; around them she tended to lose a few IQ points but in class she was all business. Her marks were all A's, she's been on the honor role since elementary school. Mom has given up on my slacking ways a long time ago. Unfortunately, for me, Zari took it upon herself to push me, harder than mom ever pushed me. I know she cares but sometimes she just needs to mind her own business like right now.
"Doesn't matter who, you said you wouldn't skip anymore, you promised. Please little sis go to school, go to class and stay in class." Her eyes softened. At the beginning of the school year, last week, I promised Zari that this year would be different, I was done with skipping. I mostly made that promise to get her get off my back about the whole skipping thing, but I kinda wanted to see how good I can actually do. I never really tried in school, at all, and I pulled off a lot of B's and sometimes C's. This year, my junior year, I figured it was time I got serious. I know I slack off a lot but I really do want to go to university and be successful.
"Okay, I won't skip anymore." Zari scrutinized me for a bit before smiling. "Alex told me you skipped."
That name again, every time I stop thinking about her for one second she comes back snaking her way into my thoughts.
"Um, how would she know?" The rose pattern on my bedspread was suddenly so interesting.
"You have two classes with her, English and media arts. I have gym with her. I asked her what her schedule was in gym class and BAM I find out you skipped second, and third. You probably skipped fourth too." Hearing her name makes me feel all funny and weird and now I have to spend two periods with English and media arts. Great. And not to mention lunch, which is right after English, but that won't matter because she eats lunch with Jackie and last time I checked Jackie's real pissed at me. "Hey, don't look so worried. Alex is cool, even though she is friends with Jackie." Zari must have noticed something was wrong when I diddn't bother to defend my best friend. Or should I say ex best friend. "Kira are you okay?"
"Yea I'm fine." I plastered a fake smile to my lips. Jackie studied me for a few minutes.
"If you talk."
"I'm fine," I cut her off. "So what did Johnny boy do when he saw how hot you looked today." Zari's eyes lit up
"I think I'm in love." She gushed.
When mom got home it was my cue to leave. It didn't matter where I went just as long as I got out of house. Lucky for me I always found reasons. My mom and I didn't get along. She was very technical, logical, intelligent, robotic even. She got along great with Zari. They were a lot alike. In fact, they would sit for hours talking about a report on the development of a new drug that I've never heard of. After age 12 she stopped trying to "connect" with me. Our conversations usually consisted of hi, bye, how was your day. Very formal for a mother and daughter, I know. I always felt bad about the lack of bond I had with my mother. And I know Zari felt bad too. Whenever I walked in on one of their conversations Zari would always try to include me. But they were always talking about things that I either new nothing about, or just didn't care about. My mom never really understood me, and I always felt like she disowned me,to an extent. I wouldn't say she was cold towards me but she just never really bothered when it came to the other twin, me. All in all I tried not to think about that stuff any more. Instead of allowing myself to feel like stranger in my own home I would just go out whenever mom came home from the hospital, she worked as a nurse. This wasn't a big deal because most of the times she worked late but on occasions like today when she came home at 5:00 I decided to go for a nice long run. I needed to get out and clear my head. I had on a pair of blue shorts and a white tee. I guess my shorts were a bit short because my mom stopped me just as I was passing the kitchen and heading out the door.
"Kira, where are you going in those shorts?" Mom was sitting at the kitchen table.
"Just going for a quick jog, I'll be back before it gets dark."
"Okay, well."she paused looking for something to say to me, I waited patiently. My mom looked a lot like Zari and I guess we got out features from her. Except her skin was a little darker, (did I mention she's Jamaican?) her hair less curly and her eyes were hazel instead of blue. I never met my dad but I figured he had blue eyes since none of my other relatives did. "are you going to Jackie's house?"
"No." I was suddenly suspicious as to why my mother was taking a sudden interest in me.
"O. are you going to a boys house?"
"No mom I'm going for a jog." I emphasized the word jog; I guess I was feeling a little on edge. I always did whenever she mentioned the boyfriend word.
"Okay, bye. Be safe."
"Okay bye mom." I was thankfully to leave.
Entry 6 (Lights out, almost) Day 2 .07
Mom kicked me out. Well not really. She forced me to go for a run. I'm not mad. Because.well Guess who I bumped into? And guess what I'm going to start doing again? Seems like I'm not hated after all.
I was feeling good. I found my rhythm. My pace wasn't too fast but I wasn't slow either. My head was finally clearing and tomorrow I planned to talk to Jackie. I didn't know what I was going to say but I figured I would now when I saw her. I was really into my jog because I didn't hear when a familiar voice was calling me. When I realized who it was I slowed down till I came to a stop.
"Hey, Yakira!" She caught up to me. She looked perfect even though she was all sweaty and stuff. Her short hair was pulled back in a ponytail.
"Hi."My voice was so low I didn't think she heard me. I felt really shy. I wanted to turn and run the other way as fast as I could, but I didn't. I just stood there and she was standing in front of me. My eyes were everywhere but on her.
"Hey, so are you just jogging or you're going somewhere?"
"Just. going around the neighborhood." I didn't even know she lived around here.
"Me too." It was a bit awkward after that, I'm not that great with awkward silences I always feel like I have to say something to break the ice, and sometimes I'll say the wrong thing.
"Wanna come with me?" I blurted out; shit what's wrong with me? I needed to see less of her so I could get over her. I looked up and met her eyes, she smiled revealing her dimples.
"Sure."
We didn't really talk much. We just ran beside each other, the silence was comfortable. After about an hour Alex slowed down, she bent over and started panting heavily trying to catch her breath. I back tracked a bit and instinctively put my hand on her back. She shook a bit, from my touch, more like a shiver, but I wasn't sure. Maybe I was hurting her.
"Are you okay?" Her breathing was returning to normal.
"Yea, I'm just really tired. I didn't realize I was so out of shape." She stood up straight. Her face was red.
"You're actually pretty good, the first time I took Jackie she passed out after ten minutes and never came with me again." I was trying to lighten the mood, make her smile at least. Her jade eyes got misty and she looked down away from me. I wanted to hold her, I knew something was wrong and I wanted to make her feel better. "Alex. Are you okay?" She was silent and a tear slid down her cheek. It broke my heart to see her cry. Before I could stop myself I wiped away the tear that had fallen. Her face was so soft. "Alex, please tell me what's wrong." She looked up and took a deep breath.
"I'm really sorry; you must think I'm a freak or something. This is so retarded.
"You're not a freak and I don't think you're retarded.now stop stalling" she smiled a little and I softened my tone. "What's wrong?" She sighed.
"Well I used to be really, I mean last year I would dance like, I don't know I just can't believe I let myself go so much, I mean look at me if anyone saw me they would be like what happened to you." She was frantic; I could barely understand what she was trying to say.
"So you used to dance?" I figured breaking down what she said would help me understand her. It was something Zari did when I wasn't making sense.
"Yea, ballet." She said sadly.
"You liked it?" Her emerald eyes met my blue ones and I got chills, it was like she looking into me.
"I loved it more than anything."
"I see."
"It was my. my escape." I waited for her to continue, there was so much passion in her eyes and I felt like she was revealing a part of herself to me. "And now after two months I can barely even jog a little. I knew I was letting my self go but I didn't know I was this bad. I mean if I can't even last this long jogging imaging how bad I'll be on stage." Her voice had so much longing and pain.
"Why'd you stop? Dancing I mean?" she didn't say anything for a while she just looked at me with that penetrating gaze. Once again I felt like she was looking through me, and I got a bit nervous, imaging if she could knew how I felt about her.
"I got kicked out of my old school, The Academia, at the end of the school year last year." I could tell Alex didn't want to talk about why she got kicked out and I wasn't about to press the issue unless she was ready to tell me. The Academia for arts was a big deal and the waiting list to get in was even bigger, so getting kicked out of a prestigious school like that is pretty easy. Hundreds of kids are dying to go there so they have a no tolerance rule on most of the stuff my school would just give us kids a detention for.
"So you were really serious about dancing huh?"
"Yea, but that's all over now. I mean what dancing company is gonna wanna hire me now that I've got expelled from the academia? And besides the only way to get spotted is in the shows that are performed there."
"I heard that students who don't go to the school can still audition for roles though, and besides you can audition for roles anywhere, I mean who knows where a scout might be right." She was quiet.
"So you don't think it's over for me?"
"Only if you want it to be. I mean you can still take dance classes and audition and stuff like that so really it's not the end of the world just a setback." Alex smiled.
"My mom's been telling me the same thing but its different hearing it from you, I feel like I can really do this now." When she smiled my heart fluttered. I was so happy to see her happy.
"So we'll be running a lot more to get you back into shape right?" She looked so upbeat, so different from her mood a few minutes ago.
"Of course.thanks you know I mean for yea just thanks."
"No problem." I grinned. And it wasn't a problem seeing her smile was worth it.
Thanks for the comments guys! Comments can be sent to shelle_r02@hotmail.com