Jock was running up the stairs of their apartment complex, he had rushed as soon as he had read the email. Eric and he had been exchanging emails for months at lunch, usually nothing really erotic, just casual "how's it going" but this time the email had been cryptic. "I've been outted", is what it said, "I can't bear to live with it, tell Dad I'm sorry." Jock opened the apartment door, the chain was in placed he yelled for Eric, but there wasn't an answer, he kicked in the door and rushed into the living room and then through into the bedroom, and then he smelled the cordite it was coming from the bathroom. He opened the door a crack and saw the blood splatters and flesh on the wall above the toilet, he was gasping for breath, trying to breath, trying to call for Eric and then he jerked awake.
"It's alright, Jock, you were dreaming." I whispered against his neck and tightened my grip around his chest, I could feel his muscles relax in my embrace and he sighed. He turned in my arms and I could see him staring up at the ceiling, see the panic in his face. "Jock, who's Eric?" I asked quietly.
Part 3
Jock's eyes were opened wide and his breathing was ragged, I tightened my arms around him and he looked at me as though just seeing me for the first time. His body was bathed in sweat and he was trembling. "Jock, it's ok," I whispered in his ear, "It was only a dream." I could see realization dawning on him as sleep left him.
"Sorry, Dan...God I thought they'd stopped." He said.
I heard a muffled sound and realized he was crying. OK, FUCK, remember I'm the one that is emotionally detached right? Well it's tough to stay emotionally detached from someone like Jock when he is suddenly in your arms crying his heart out. Panic flooded me, I wanted to run, or more specifically turn over and close my eyes. That's what I did to my wife when she got like that. I guess the shrink had done some good or else something about this connection to Jock just wouldn't allow it. I kept my arms around him and hugged him up closer, I could see the struggle he was waging to regain his composure, suddenly he won and his face settled into a look of infinite sadness.
After a moment he whispered, "Thanks, Dan, it's been a long time since I had someone hold me while I cried, probably not since I was a kid." He sighed. "Fuck, I feel like shit."
"Why, Jock, cause you had some kind of nightmare and were tore up about it?" I asked, "Don't be, I've done a lot of crying since I got divorced and watched my kids drift away. It beats drinkin yourself to death, and I tried that for awhile too." I touched his face and he turned and looked at me. "Who's Eric?"
I felt him stiffen in my arms and he looked back up at the ceiling, the silence lengthened. "It's ok, Jock, I didn't mean to kick over the chamber as my granddad would've said." I stroked his chest.
`No, Dan, It's just that I've never told anyone the whole story before. Just the pieces they needed to hear, just enough to satisfy others, but never enough to satisfy me." He paused
"It's ok Jock, you don't have to tell me anything, but would it help to tell me?" I asked.
He sighed, then reached for his pants. I thought he was leaving and thought about trying to stop him, but realized he was digging out his wallet. He flipped it open and rummaged through the photo section under the bedside lamp. Then he took out a small photo and handed it to me. I looked into the face of a young man. He looked to be about 20 in a cadet uniform, tight jawed, crisp blue eyes and flaming red hair. Then he handed me a tattered snapshot that he had dug from somewhere in his wallet, the edges were frayed and it was creased, I recognized a younger Jock, standing with his arm across the shoulder of the red haired cadet. They were both in cadet uniforms white gloves, spit shinned shoes, crisp white bandoliers, and there was something oddly intimate about the way they stood.
"I gather that is Eric, nice looking guy. Course you don't look to bad yourself." I said and handed them back.
"We met in the Academy...he was... my best friend." He whispered
"He was your lover." I said, sudden realization flooding me.
Jock nodded and looked up at the ceiling again, I put my arm back across his chest and whispered, "Don't Jock, if it's too painful."
He nodded and then said, "I loved him more than anything in the world, and I thought he loved me the same. We spent 12 years together, served together, made a life together. I love his folks like they are my own, and they have told me they think of me as another son. Eric had one major problem. He spent his life trying to live up to his unrealistic image of his family history in the Army. His father is a retired colonel, his grandfather fought in World War II and Korea ending as a Brigadier General, his great great grandfather served the Union in the Civil War ending as a General. He wanted to live up to that image so bad everything, including me, took second place. Then when he thought that was going to be blasted into a million pieces he couldn't accept living with that. He felt he couldn't live without "honor" and I was a dirty secret.
Jock told me the story of Eric and his meeting and their eventual life together. The eastern shore family, the holidays with his folks, the secret conversation with Eric's dad that told Jock he knew about them. It was a story of an all encompassing love on Jock's part and of a final detachment on the part of Eric. My life mirrored that except I'd just gotten divorced.
"We had heard, scuttle butt that Intelligence was looking for some senior officers, and that the Pentagon was anxious to promote Hispanics. That was all Eric needed to hear. He begged me to apply for transfer. I was a Colonel by then, I was completely satisfied with my career, I loved Eric and found fulfillment just living with him. We had had our share of difficulties; that was in the days immediately before "don't ask, don't tell", and had had a couple close calls. I had talked on more than one occasion of just quitting and going into civilian life. Most of our very close friends I think knew or suspected anyway, but they didn't ask. We had suffered separations because of the service and had never complained to anyone but each other. He went on and on how after I made General I could help him. It suddenly had become not what I wanted but what I could help him accomplish. So against my better judgement, I applied.
Part of the Intelligence thing was security clearance.
It wasn't handled by the Army alone, the CIA and the FBI had a hand in it. On that last day, a couple of agents from the FBI, CIA and OAI had shown up at our apartment. Eric had taken the day off to get his car fixed so he was home alone when they knocked. I don't know all that was said, but apparently they touched around our relationship. They either had heard a rumor, took a blind shot, or more likely just figured it out themselves, hell we were in our 30's and not married and living together and had done so since our days in the Academy. It didn't take a mental giant and these guys are sharp. I am guessing they threatened Eric with disclosure or something along those lines. Whatever happened he felt that our relationship was going to be made public." Jock paused and then sighed, his jaw tightened and I wondered if he was going to cry again.
"It's ok Jock, you don't have to tell me anything else, its too hard." I said and tightened my arm across him.
He looked at me and continued, now in a strange monotone, "He sent me an email at work, it said he had been outted and that he couldn't face it. I was suddenly very afraid and raced home. He didn't answer the door; I had to kick it in. I found him in the bathroom, he had used his side arm." He sighed.
I saw the tears running down Jock's face and suddenly hated Eric with everything in me. I hadn't known the guy but he had fucked Jock over pretty good.
"There was an investigation, both civil and military. It was obviously a suicide, the civil investigation ended there. The military one went a little deeper, there was a question about our relationship but the military didn't want to push it. I am a minority; Eric had been a Maryland blue blood with more Army heritage than most senior officers. I was asked if there had been any "inappropriate" relationships between Eric and myself. I knew what they were asking, but to me our relationship hadn't been inappropriate, it had been my life. I said no. I received my promotion a couple months later but was assigned to this hell hole. The writing on the wall was clear; they would prefer me back in civilian life."
"I have lived with the guilt of letting Eric talk me into applying and the guilt for having felt I betrayed our love in the inquiry, but mostly I've had to live with the realization that when he pulled the trigger he betrayed my love and had taken the easy way out, and I hate him for it."
He sighed and turned toward me and rested his head on my shoulder, I could feel the tears that were on his checks. I was frozen in place by his story. It was my worst nightmare. He had lived the vulnerability the final betrayal, the loss. "Jock, I don't know what to say." I whispered as I kissed his forehead, "I'm sorry, sounds too trite and easy. I cannot imagine what hell your life has been, babe." I hugged him and lay there in the dark listening to the sound of his breathing as it turned even and regular again and I realized he had gone to sleep again.
I eventually got up without waking him and went back into the living room and checked on the fucking conversion, as if I cared anymore. I sat on the couch and poured myself a drink and thought about my life. What I had done to my wife and kids wasn't all that different from what Eric had done to Jock. I wanted to finish this bottle and go buy another but realized that (a) I couldn't get to a store and (b) I already knew from experience that that wouldn't help. Instead I shed some tears also, I cried for Jock and Eric, but most of all for my ex-wife and kids. God I felt like such an asshole.
Along about two o'clock, I crawled back in bed with Jock and made sure the alarm was set for four, giving him time to get back to his quarters before dawn. When the alarm went off, Jock was already gone and I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling until time to take a shower. After my shower I found a note on my laptop.
Dan,
Call me today, when you have a few minutes.
Jock
I showered and tried to erase the fatigue from lack of sleep, the pounding headache and the guilt that I still carried around from last night. I went to the mess hall and got breakfast and ate quickly, I didn't look around, I hoped like hell I wouldn't see Jock there and thankfully I didn't. I went on to the computer room and went to work; at least there weren't any emotional landmines with a simple conversion and install. Branock came by, I gave him the reports run after the first conversion, and we split the pile and went through them looking for errors. Then I ran the executable looking for control characters and when it finished setoff the next conversion. I estimated this one wouldn't take as long as the database had been compressed somewhat by the first conversion. I went back to my quarters at midday to get some aspirin to help with the headache that I acquired courtesy of the bourbon.
I was sitting on the couch with my head back almost asleep when there was a knock at the door. "Come" I called out. I knew it was Jock.
He entered the room and I didn't even try to standup, hell I was too hung over and too damn sorry. Jock, on the other hand looked like he always did, band box new and too many damn white teeth showing. His smile faded when he saw me. "You didn't call so I came looking for you. Branock told me you weren't feeling well and had come over here to get some aspirin." He picked up the empty bourbon bottle, "I thought you said this wasn't an answer?"
"Fuck Jock, an answer wasn't what I was looking for, after you went back to sleep." I said and sighed.
"Then what?" he said sitting beside me. "I wanted to thank you for listening. There has never been anyone I could tell it all to but I didn't mean to burden you with it." He touched my shoulder.
"Jock, you didn't burden me, it caused me to see myself as I really am. The bourbon was to numb the pain. It once again failed me." I said and leaned my head back and closed my eyes to the throbbing pain.
"Dan, what is it? Why are you beating yourself up like this? You're not such a bad guy, I know it cause I felt it last night." He said softly and touched my knee.
"Fuck, Jock, what do you know about me? What if I told you that I treated my wife and kids like Eric treated you? I failed them miserably. I took advantage of their emotional strength and gave nothing back. I left them hanging and played them like a fisherman plays a catfish. I'm a loser, Jock, ask my ex-wife, ask my kids, hell you can even ask my boss. They all agree." I said and shook off his hand.
"Maybe the Dan that was married to a woman he told me he shouldn't have married was. Maybe the Dan that hates his new boss and the changes made at work is. But the Dan that held me isn't. That Dan was warm and caring and capable of love and being loved." He said and stood up. He looked down at me and said, "You're a very special man, Dan. I hope you realize that while all those others may think you're a loser, I don't and never will." He turned and walked out.
"Oh fuck." I said to the ceiling. I tried to clear my head, I had to escape this guilt and pain and now a dread that Jock clearly had feelings for me that went past sex and I wasn't sure how I felt. The answer for me had always been work, so I went back to the computer room and lost myself in the job.
Branock was sitting staring at me, I vaguely remember him asking me about supper and my telling him I would catch some latter maybe, that must have been hours ago. I looked at my watch. "Fuck, Lieutenant, why didn't you tell me it was so late. Just cause I don't need any sleep doesn't mean you don't. I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it, Dan. If you're hungry the mess hall has a night line that closed an hour ago, I called them and told them to put a sandwich and stuff in your quarters. Don't take this too personal, but you look like shit. You need to go to bed and sleep."
He said and frowned.
"Understood Lieutenant, think that's where I'm headed right now. The last conversion is running if it bombs, and it won't, I'll give you a call. Otherwise let's make a late start tomorrow." I answered and stood and stretched.
"Yeah I'll see you no earlier than ten o'clock." He said and followed me out into the chilly night.
I'd never really been in the desert like this before and was surprised at how cold it got when the sun set.
It had been about 100 degrees at noon and here it was feeling like maybe 40 degrees. I stood in the compound and stared up in the sky and looked at the wealth of stars. More stars than I'd ever seen before it seemed like.
I was wishing I still smoked when I realized how small I felt looking up into the vastness of the starlit night. How insignificant all my problems appeared when compared with the light that had traveled for eons just to illuminate this present moment. Maybe the alcohol residue was finally gone, or maybe I had an epiphany, whatever it was I suddenly realized that I couldn't change the past, like the light from those galaxies millions of light years away it was now gone and what I was seeing was just the after effects. All the shit I put my family through was gone and while I might make it up to them, I could never relive or change what was done. Suddenly I felt clean from all that shit, I was suddenly in the present, the past was gone. I thought of Jock, there was a promise of a future there, without the mistakes of the past. I thought of my ex-wife and all that was left was a warm memory of the good times and regret for the bad, she was part of the past that I'd let go of. My kids, well, they needed some work. I believed I could at least make them realize that I was trying, whether it was too late for more or not. I stood and stared up into the infinite depth of space and then smiled and went to my quarters.
I slept late, the sun was blazing in my window when my eyes opened. I went and took a long shower and let the water wash the sleep away. I felt much better, still unsure about many things, but better. After the shower I went to the mess hall and had a very late breakfast. I emailed work and gave the dick head I work for a synopsis of the install so far and the projected completion. I also emailed my kids, copying my ex-wife and offered to take them with me back to my childhood home to see my mother. I thought it would give us a chance to really talk for once.
I was more at peace with my demons than I had been in a long time, but I still needed to work on Jock and what I wanted. Maybe I would just kinda let things float along with Jock and see how they developed. Branock was waiting for me in the computer room. The conversions were done so I started with the integration of the new software into the existing systems. This shit is pretty complicated, but I had done this many times before. It was mostly a matter of setup directories and tables then check functionality and accuracy against the database, pretty boring actually. Branock came by in the middle of the afternoon and told me the general needed to meet with me to report on the final conversions. I told him I could find my way and left him. In the compound I stood in the shade of the bunker and watched the breeze make dust devils dance across the desert floor. I sighed and went into the bunker and down the stairs to Jock's office. The sergeant told me to go on in.
Jock stood up and walked around his desk and said, "Dan, sorry to drag you away from the job, but those pin heads in Washington need a report today."
"No problem, Jock, we're right on schedule, I'm configuring the new software to look at your database now, we should be ready to start importing down linked data soon." I smiled then sighed.
Jock raised an eyebrow and then said, "What is it, Dan, something on you mind?"
"I just want to say I'm sorry, Jock. I guess I'm not a very considerate...whatever we are together. I just wanted you to know that I can't begin to understand how all that made you feel, I wanted to somehow help and I ended up making a fucking idiot of myself by being my usual self centered asshole self. I like you Jock, hell I'm not sure like is quiet the right word...I just didn't want my behavior to mess it up." I said and sighed.
Jock smiled and walked over to me, he raised his hand and touched my lips, then walked to his office door and told the sergeant to hold his calls. He came back and his hands brushed across my chest and his lips touched mine. He whispered in my ear as he chewed the lobe, "You are a wonderful, fucking hot, man, Dan. I think I more than like you too." He said and I could feel his hands as they opened my shirt and pushed inside so that he could flick my nipples. I moaned and could feel my dick press painfully against my slacks with desire. I let my hands run down his shirt clad back and grasped his tight buttocks through his fatigues, the rough cloth accentuating the firmness of his muscles. I backed him up and he sat on his desk as I opened his paints and he pushed them and his briefs down. With one hand I stroked his hard dick and with the other I cradled his head as I kissed him.
I could feel the little gasps in the back of his throat as I flicked the sensitive head of his cock as it emerged from his foreskin. Slowly I knelt down in front of him and took his dripping cock into my mouth.
He sighed as it slipped to the back of my throat and I moaned with passion. I tenderly grasped his balls and let them roll between my fingers as I let my tongue work up and down his shaft. I let my finger slip behind his balls and then I felt him raise his legs and lean back, exposing his hot hole in an magnificently erotic gesture. I looked up at him and he had his eyes closed a look of total concentration on his handsome features, his head tilted back, his nostrils flaring with his breath. I engulfed his tool and let my finger slip into his warm moist chute and felt the first tremors of his orgasm. In some quiet part of my otherwise racing brain I wondered at how quickly I had learned to read the major points of his body language. I knew that when I added another finger and twirled my tongue across his dickhead I would send him over the edge. I reached down and released my aching cock through my fly and started stroking myself as I sucked. I added that second finger and licked the purpling head and felt him tense up and then felt the jerk and rush of his cum as it flooded my mouth. At the same instant my own impending orgasm crested and I released my load on the front of his desk and the carpet. I continued to lick his cock as it became soft again then stood up and kissed him.
"I need to make you apologize more often." He said and chuckled.
To be continued...