The Talk
It was like the first trembling instant when a roller coaster lingered at the crest of a drop. Abe felt his heart thud painfully. He could see the danger ahead. He could do nothing to stop it.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he had known this was going to happen. That moment on the bus when Finn had seared him with his kiss, he had understood there would have to be more. There hadn't been time then. This wasn't really the time, either. After his spectacular failure this morning, how could he possibly think of his own pleasure? Had he no shame? Had he no conscience? Had he forgotten what could happen if he followed his heart instead of his brain?
But his mind was still spinning, his emotions in turmoil and Finn's arms felt so solid and right that he couldn't turn away. What else could he do but hang on for the ride?
Finn kissed him gently at first. With one arm supporting his shoulders and his long legs angled on either side of him, Finn held him in a secure embrace. Although his big body surrounded him, Abe felt no uneasiness. He had never felt uneasy with Finn's size, even on that first evening when he had let him into his apartment and hadn't known who he was.
That had been on Thursday. This was Sunday. Once again Abe wondered how it was possible that only three days had passed. It was as if he had known Finn longer, as if he had been waiting for him for years; the man in his dreams, the one who would guide him through the sensual maze of candle flames without getting burned.
He twisted, tipping up his face to improve the fit of their mouths. He felt a smile flicker over Finn's lips. He followed the smile with his tongue.
Finn groaned and brought his hand to Abe's face. His fingers were unsteady where they stroked Abe's cheek, the muscles of his thighs and arms rigid with tension, yet he kept his strength under control. He tunneled his fingers into Abe's short hair to hold him steady as he answered his caress with one of his own.
Abe could feel Finn's erection against his backside. It exhilarated him, like the rush of air on his face as the roller coaster took him through a swooping turn. His body remembered how this went. Responses long denied were surging with a force that was far more powerful than anything he could have dreamed.
Finn pulled back. His gaze burned into Abe's. "That's why."
Abe spread his fingers over Finn's chest. "What?"
"Let me show you again."
His kiss was more certain this time. He tasted Abe with lush sweeps, using his lips and his tongue in a way that made Abe melt. When he closed his hand over Abe's chest, it felt so inevitable, like an extension of the exploration of his mouth that he didn't even consider resisting. Abe arched himself more fully into his palm, exclaiming in delight as Finn found Abe's nipple though his clothes.
Something creaked. Abe felt himself falling sideways. Before they could tip onto the floor, Finn flung himself backward and hauled Abe on top of him. Abe landed on his chest, his legs sprawled between Finn's, his nose against the hollow of his throat. The cot slid a few inches upward, wobbled and then steadied.
They were both breathing hard. Abe braced his hands on Finn's shoulders and lifted his head so he could look at Finn.
Finn was smiling, his lips still moist from their kiss. Dimples creased the grooves besides his mouth. Warm little laugh lines spread from the corners of his heartbreakingly blue eyes. His black hair tousled into soft curls that fell carelessly back from his forehead. And somehow, his palm was still cradling Abe's nipple.
Oh, but Finn was a wickedly handsome man. So sure of himself, so sexy, so appealing. He was stretched out beneath Abe, watching him with a hunger that sent a shudder of response down his spine. He hooked his legs over Abe's pressing their lower bodies together. The intimate contact made Abe shudder again.
"Does that answer your questions?" he asked.
"What question?"
Finn gave Abe's nipple a light squeeze, and then moved his hand to his cheek. "Why you wouldn't be happy with Paul."
It took a moment for Abe's brain to register what Finn had said. The response that bubbled through him started to ebb. "Is that why you kissed me? Were you trying to prove something?"
"Hell, no. I just wanted to kiss you, that is all." Finn stroked Abe's jaw. "You are a passionate man. I thought you would like it."
"Passion isn't all I want, Finn."
Finn moved his thumb over Abe's lower lip. "But you did like it."
Abe sighed and kissed Finn's thumb. "I think we had this conversation before."
"Uh-huh. Right before you claimed I'm not your type."
"You're not."
Finn tilted his hips. It was a subtle movement, only a slight shift in the angle. The quiver it sent through Abe's body made him a liar.
Oh, yes. At the moment Finn was exactly the man he wanted. "Finn, this shouldn't have happened. We shouldn't do this."
Finn lifted his head and sucked lightly on his lover's lip.
Abe made a low noise in his throat. He tried to summon the energy to argue. He fought to remember why he should argue. He moved his head aside. "I'm not that kind of a man, Finn, I'm not casual about..."
"Sex?" Finn kissed the side of his neck. "Desire?" he ran his palms down Abe's back and cupped his buttocks. "Mutual enjoyment?"
Abe pressed his face into his shirt. For a weak moment, he let himself absorb the pleasure of his touch, his familiar scent, the rise and fall of Finn's chest as he breathed. But he knew better than this, didn't he? Didn't he?
But it had been so long, and this felt so very, very good...
But it had felt good with Stuart too.
Abe blinked and raised his head. "Please stop. I can't do this."
Finn's smile faded. He immediately took his hands off Abe's buttocks and released his hold on Abe's legs. "Abe? What's wrong?"
Abe pushed off Finn's chest. The cot started to tip with the shift in his weight. He got to his feet and half fell onto Sandra's cot. "Finn, I haven't had sex in eight years."
Finn looked as if he had been punched. He jackknifed upward and twisted to face Abe. "What did you say?"
Abe wiped his eyes with the heel of his palm. "Don't look at me as if I'm some kind of freak. Celibacy might not be fashionable, but..."
"No. That's not what I thought. I'm surprised, that's all. I'm... surprised," he repeated. He moved his hand as if he was about to touch him, and then shoved his fingers through his own hair. "Why, Abe?"
Abe hesitated. Normally, he wouldn't have talked about this to anyone, not even his sisters. But there had been nothing normal about his life since he had met Finn. He glanced around, belatedly aware of how thin the canvas walls were.
"It's okay," Finn said, as if recognizing the reason for his discomfort. "The men on watch are too far away to hear us and the chief's wearing a radio headset. There's only you and me." he swung his feet to the floor and sat facing him, his forearms braced on his knees. As he continued to regard him, his expression hardened. "Did somebody abuse you? Is that it?"
"No, not in the way you think. Stuart didn't..." he stopped and took a deep breath. "I was twenty-one when I met Stuart Morgan. He swept me off my feet. We lived together for almost a year. He was... very skillful when it came to sex. He always made sure I enjoyed myself and he taught me things about physical pleasure that I hadn't know were possible. I loved him with my entire heart."
Finn's expression didn't ease. If anything, it grew grimmer. "And you are still in love with him, is that it? Like the way Sandra is still mourning her fiancé?"
"No, Finn. Stuart didn't die. He only left."
"He what?"
"He cleaned out his closet and emptied our bank account and left," he stated. "That's when I finally realized that I loved him for his looks and his body. I loved him for his good times he showed me, all that mutual pleasure that you said men were made for. I was so completely wrapped up in a sexual infatuation that I didn't see how empty it all was."
Finn regarded Abe in silence. Apart from a muscle that twitched in his cheek, he was completely motionless. He looked as if he had been punched again.
"And it was empty, Finn. It was hollow, just a shell of what a real relationship should be. I thought Stuart was my Mr. Right and that we would build a life together, but as soon as he learned there might have been consequences to all the sex, he packed up and ran."
"Consequences?"
"I thought I had AIDS. I didn't, but I had some symptoms and when I told Stuart, he freaked. Not because he thought I was cheating on him – he knew that I wasn't – but because he wasn't ready to deal with it."
Finn rubbed his face, then squeezed Abe's cheeks between his fingers and his thumb and continued to study him. "I'm sorry, Abe."
"No, it was just as well I learned what he was like before I actually did marry him."
"Yes, it was, but I'm sorry for that crack I made yesterday about picking out your china pattern and the names of your firstborn."
"You didn't know."
"That's right, I didn't." Finn's took Abe's hands and held them loosely between his. "But eight years is a long time to deny yourself. Plenty of people have bad experiences and try again."
"What makes you think I'm not trying?"
"You said you've been celibate."
"That's because I learned from my mistake. I know exactly what I want now, and it isn't a few stolen kisses or some shallow affair."
"Then what do you want, Abe?"
Abe knew the answer to this question – he had thought about it for eight years. "I want the kind of love that doesn't depend solely on how you look or how cleverly you perform a sex act. I want the real thing. I want what my parents have, what my sisters and their husbands have. What we saw when Anselm and Nneka Ibru hugged their youngest child." His throat felt thick. He swallowed and went on. "I want commitment in the truest sense of the word, Finn. I want a marriage that grows stronger with each baby that's born and every gray hair. Every wrinkle, every argument, every holiday and every twist in the road of life."
Finn dropped his gaze to their joined hands. "Most marriages aren't like that, Abe."
"I know that. That's why it's so important to find the right person to fall in love with."
"You are an idealist."
"You say that as if there's something wrong with that."
"It's not wrong. It's rare."
"Why? Because I have dreams and I won't settle for less?"
"Because you don't hold back. Everything you do, you do a hundred percent. Like the way you have let yourself feel about this mission. The way you cry. The way you believe in love."
"Well, what about you, Finn? Don't you have dreams? Isn't there anything you want?"
Finn moved his thumbs over the backs of his knuckles trailing them down the faint lines of Abe's tendons. "Yes, Abe. There are things that I want."
Abe waited for him to continue. Another silence fell, this one longer than the last.
When Finn finally spoke, he voice was low and rough. "Each time I have to fire a round at an enemy's heart so he doesn't kill my teammates, or I see a wild eye teenager with explosives strapped to his chest, I want world peace. Every time the team is bivouacked near some village and I give my rations away to the hungry kids who beg on the edge of the camp, or I see farmers with no legs because their fields were filled with land mines, I want the scientists who develop our weapons to turn their energies into finding a way to feed the planet's starving people."
Abe might have been all right if Finn had smiled or if he had followed his comment with some witty quip. Instead he lifted his gaze and looked at him.
His barriers were down. He was dead serious. He was letting Abe see the pain he had merely glimpsed before, and the depth of his emotions stunned Abe.
Abe felt the memory of his own troubles pale beneath the force of Finn's sadness. What had happened to him? It had to have been far worse than an unhappy love affair. Had it been a mission? Or was it something to do with the family he didn't want to talk about? "It sounds as if you are as much of an idealist at heart as I am, Finn."
"No, Abe, I'm not. I learned a long time ago there's a big difference between what we want and what we can have. This is the only world we have got. All we can do is make the best of it." He tightened his grip and brought Abe's knuckles to his lips. "So go ahead and call me shallow and empty because I believe in living in the moment and grabbing the good times."
"I didn't say that."
"You thought it, and that's fine. Right now, this moment, is the only thing in life." Finn leaned closer. "And right now, I want to kiss you."
Abe didn't pull away. Somehow he couldn't.
"I'm warning you this has nothing to do with wrinkles and holidays," he said. "All I'm going to do is kiss you, okay?"
It didn't seem to matter to Abe anymore that Finn was handsome enough to steal his breath. The vulnerability he hid behind his perfect face was the most compelling feature of all.
Abe felt a tear trickle into the corner of his mouth. He licked it off and nodded, then closed what was left of the distance between them and pressed his lips to Finn's.
How could Finn's kisses keep changing? Each time it seemed different, as if Finn was showing him another level and another layer of himself. His mouth was warm and giving a silent caress with no demands, no promises, like a roller coaster car slowing down and coasting to a stop at the end of the ride.
Finn got to his feet, slipped his arms beneath Abe and picked him up, then turned and placed him on his own cot. Without pausing, Finn took off Abe's shoes, spread a blanket over him and tucked it under his chin. "Go to sleep, Abe," he murmured, leaning down to brush a kiss over his forehead. "There's nothing more you can do now."
Abe squeezed his eyes closed. Nothing he could do. About Matthew Ibru? Or about his tangled feelings for Finn?"
Although every available man was at this briefing, there were empty chairs – a portion of the team was already deployed, spread out through the D.C area to keep track of the men who had been followed after the botched exchange yesterday. Finn focused on the map that was taped to the support pole. "One MEND cell is in each of these locations. Two are roach motels, one is a rooming house." Commander Redinger used a pen to point at three of the four circles that had been marked on the map in red." According to our information, the rent had been paid in cash through to this coming Friday. I believe that gives us an outside time frame for Boko Haram's intentions." Friday, Finn though. That was only four days away. The mission would probably be over by then. He glanced at Abe. He was standing at the edge of the group, his arms folded tightly over his sweater, his face pale. This morning he had once again offered to take Abe home, but he had refused, just as Finn had expected. Ghost had backed Abe up, saying Abe should stick around in case Boko Haram wanted to use him for another ransom drop. Finn didn't like it. He didn't want Abe taking that risk. Besides, Abe was already too emotionally involved. He was going to be devastated if this didn't turn out well and Matthew was killed. Finn had tried to warn Abe about maintaining his distance, but he didn't know how to do anything halfway. That guy Stuart had been a fool. How could he have tossed aside a man as compassionate and wholeheartedly honest as Abe? How? The same way Finn had perfected the art of leaving men behind for most of his adult life. But that was different, he told himself. He had never hooked up with a man like Abe before. That's why he avoided nesters. He made sure there was a clear understanding of mutual expectations up front, and he chose partners who wanted nothing more than he was prepared to give them. Sweet words. Sex. Good memories and an easy goodbye. Easy and painless. Shallow and empty. Finn rubbed his face and turned his attention back to Ghost. "This fourth location is the one that shows the most promise," the commander said, moving his pen to a point across the river in Baltimore. "It's the only aberration in the pattern. It isn't a rooming house or motel; it's a two storey brick building with a storefront on the street level and an apartment above it. Any progress on the records search, Captain Fox?" Sandra stood. "The building was leased two months ago by a corporation based in Atlantic City with a branch in Nigeria. I've just learned that the principal investors are Nigerian." "All right, we are going to do a detailed reconnaissance of the two-block area around that building," Ghost said. "I want all routes in and out accounted for. Blueprints of pertinent data on the neighboring structures. What kind of business is in the storefront?" "It was formerly a butcher shop," Rafe said. "It's closed and the windows are soaped over. I observed a sign that says it's under renovation." "The city has no record of granting a permit," Sandra said. "There hasn't been any application for a business license, either. Utilities are still turned on, though, so there's no doubt that it's occupied." Ghost nodded. "I'll notify air support to do an infrared sweep. Captain Fox, your friends in Intelligence can help you analyze the body heat patterns." "I'll get right on it, Commander," she said. "We'll direct the nearest recon satellite toward those coordinates to give us regular updates." "Good. Meanwhile, I want the traffic patterns noted. Sniper teams, scout out the adjoining rooftops for vantage points with clear lines of sight. Set up the parabolic mikes. Trace the power grid for the area. I want all possible information gathered ASAP. Any questions?" The briefing broke up with a minimum of conversation. A sense of anticipation pervaded the air as the men moved off to their various duties. Ghost hadn't needed to spell it out. That store in Baltimore could very well be Boko Haram's base. Whatever they were holding the kid, there or not was another matter, but setting up the plans for a raid sure beat waiting around. "Hey, O'Brian!" At Jack's voice, Finn looked over his shoulder. "What's up, Jack?" "I'm all out of chewing gum. You got any?" "Nope. Sorry." "You sure?" Jack winked. "It sounded as if you had a good supply yesterday." "I hope you change your dressings more often than you change your jokes. That's one stale." Finn crossed his arms. "Don't you have anything else to do, like dull a scalpel or mark a deck of playing cards?" "No, I did that yesterday." Jack glanced at Abe. "Want to trade baby-sitting detail for surveillance duty? You've been on it long enough." "No deal. These are the commander's orders. I buddy the civilian." "Sure, but we all thought he'd be home by now." "Murphy had other ideas." "Abe called in sick to work this morning. If the principal at his school doesn't believe him, he might need a medical certificate to back up his absence." Jack paused. "I should offer him my services. I'd enjoy giving him a thorough physical." "Back off, Jack." "Down, son. What are you so cranky about? Has Abe been running away from you again?" "Leave him alone." "Are you?" "That's none of your business." "You haven't made a secret out of it. We can all see what's going on." Nothing is going on. Abe's a decent man." "Uh-huh. Like I thought, he's not your type." Finn said nothing. He couldn't argue with that. Jack moved off to the area where the equipment was stored. Finn could tell by Jack's stride that he was as eager as the other men to go into action. He hadn't been serious about trading duties. He had just said that to needle Finn. Normally Finn would have jumped at the opportunity to change assignments. He thrived on action, and the raid on the base would be a chance to kick some serious ass. Now that he knew where Abe stood about sex, being around him was only going to lead to more frustration. Abe wanted love. Marriage. He wasn't exactly the poster boy for either. "Finn?" Abe had approached while he had been stewing about Jack. Finn took a moment to study him up close. Although Sandra had told him that Abe had slept practically the whole time since he had left him on his cot yesterday, he still looked stressed. The tension of the mission and his emotional outburst of the day before were taking their toll. Abe's lips appeared pinched. Dark smudges shadowed the skin beneath his eyes. Yet his gaze was clear and determined as he met Finn's. Abe wasn't shrinking back from the confidences he disclosed yesterday. Finn respected him for that. In an odd way he even respected him for his celibacy – for a man as passionate as Abe to abstain from sex would take an impressive amount of inner strength. That could be part of the reason why Abe threw himself into his other relationships so completely and why he was so close to his family. It could be why he loved kids so much and had chosen a profession like teaching. He had to have some outlet for his natural warmth and generosity. But if Abe ever decided to channel his passion into sex... Oh man, he would be something. He kissed without holding back. He had responded so readily to Finn's touch, how would he have reacted if they had gone farther? What would it be like to have Abe naked on a bed, looking up at him with his gaze hot and his mouth curved into one of those intriguing private smiles? No man had touched Abe in eight years. Despite all the reasons against it, the thought wouldn't go away. It roused something primitive and possessive deep inside him. "I'd like to go to the Nigerian Embassy today," Abe said. Finn clamped a lid on his libido and shook his head. "That's not a good idea." "I want to see the Ibrus." "Abe, there's no reason to put yourself through that. I know you feel bad about what happened but..." "This isn't about me, Finn," he said. "All along, this hasn't been about anything other than Matthew. His parents haven't told anyone what happened. They are going through this on their own." "It's tough for them, but it's their choice. They know what's at stake. With the high-level diplomacy that's happen between the President and our government, the need for secrecy is vital. Boko Haram wants to do as much damage they can to the Nigerian government." "Yes, I realize that, and if word got back to Nigeria that the President's nephew was kidnapped in America, public opinion could be manipulated against closer ties with the West, but it's not the global implications that concern me." "No? Why am I not surprised?" Finn muttered. "Think about it, Finn. The Ibru haven't even told the rest of the embassy staff about the kidnapping. They are in a strange country, thousands of miles from their home, separated from their family and their friends with no one they can trust I want to go there to offer my support." Once more Finn noted the signs of fatigue on Abe's face and the determination in his eyes. He had been frightened yesterday, but he had still been willing to risk his safety by delivering the ransom. Now he was willing to open his heart to strangers. Abe was a hell of a man. Stuart really had been a fool for running away. "I don't expect you to come with me," he said. "I saw that you were uncomfortable last time, so I can get there on my own." Finn didn't want to acknowledge the feeling that stirred to life inside him. Because in all the years that Finn had been a soldier, he had never considered himself a coward.