The Further Adventures of Justin & Billy Chapter 9 -- Part III From Billy's viewpoint
What a mess Tom had made. His cum was all over his shorts. The floor. Even his feet. It was thick and its smell was really strong. I didn't need to taste it. The smell was so powerful it was like I could taste it in my mouth.
I wiped my hand off on Tom's shorts - my shorts -- and headed out the door to meet Todd. I didn't want him to walk in on this scene. As I left, I told Tom to pull himself together and I'd see if Todd could give him a ride.
Todd was just getting out of his car as I came up to him. I saw him glance down at my crotch and realized I was showing. I was still half hard and there were spots on my crotch. Probably from my pre-jizz leaking. Maybe some of Tom's jizz. It could have been either. Or both. I didn't know and I didn't know what to say.
Before I could say anything, Tom was heading out the front door toward us.
"Make sure it's locked," I hollered back at Tom.
"I thought you kicked him out a while ago," Todd said. I could hear the disappointment in his voice.
I wanted to look him in the eye and tell him I had. But with what had just happened with Tom inside, I couldn't. I let my head drop a little as I said, "I did kick him out. I thought he'd left. Then after I hung up with you, I found he didn't have anyway to get home and had just been sitting on my front porch all that time."
"Why was he waiting on your front porch?" Todd asked.
I didn't have an answer. I just shrugged.
"So how does that jive with you two coming out of the house just now like . . ." He broke off from asking the question and just gestured at my crotch. I had hoped he might not notice, or at least wouldn't ask. His unfinished question hung in the air needing some kind of answer.
I pulled my lips tight together and grimaced. Then I tried to smile. He didn't smile back, but gestured toward Tom's obviously messed crotch and finished his question, " . . . with your cum on your pants like that? What's going on here, Billy?"
"OK. The truth? You want the truth?"
He said he did. I told Tom to go back and sit on the front porch. Todd and I got in his car. I told him everything I knew. Or thought I knew. Or had pieced together from Tom and from my own fucked-up memory.
Todd listened, never taking his eyes off of my eyes. I never looked away. I never shaded the truth. Finally, I got to the point where Tom had cum just as Todd arrived. I was gonna stop there. Not say I'd reached out to take his still dripping, hard cock in my hand.
Then I realized that he would somehow know. Only the truth, the whole truth, was gonna work. And so I told him. "I was really worked up listening to Tom talk about what had happened. You know, him sucking me and all that. My cock was aching hard hearing all that stuff and then Tom started to cum. I needed to cum fucking bad. I guess I would have cum too if you hadn't showed up. I don't know why I grabbed his cock. I think it's just kind of how I am. I don't have a lot of control sometimes. Not when it comes to sex. And guys."
We sat in silence for a minute. Todd still staring into my eyes. I knew he was trying to make sure I was telling the truth. I was still staring back, hoping he believed me.
I don't know why it mattered so much to me that he believed me. Maybe it was because I hadn't been telling the truth lately. Not to anyone. Not even to myself. I needed to know that I could still do it.
"Are we still gonna go to your place?" I asked hopefully.
"If you want. Should I take Tom home first?"
Tom was sitting forlornly on my front steps awaiting the verdict on his ride. "Hop in," I finally called to him and he hustled over and got in the backseat.
Tom told Todd where he lived. It wasn't too far out of the way. We all sat in awkward silence as Todd drove. I don't know about the other two, but I couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't end up making things worse than they already were.
We dropped Tom off and headed to Todd's. Both of us still silent. As we pulled up in front of Todd's I asked, "Are you pissed at me?"
"No, just disappointed. I thought things might work out differently between the two of us," Todd said.
I didn't know what he meant and so fell back into silence.
Once we were inside, Todd said, "Oh, I guess I could have showed you the pictures earlier. I have them on my cell. But these are some I blew up before I left for your place. You can really see them a little better. My friend emailed them to me."
When he laid them down in front of me, there were four pictures, all variations of what Todd had already described.
"I thought there were only two," I said.
"I got the other two right after I hung up talking to you," Todd said.
Again silence fell over us.
"So what should I do now?" I asked, looking into Todd's face for the first time since he'd laid the pictures in front of me.
"It depends on what you want to have happen," he said in a flat, matter-of-fact tone.
"I want this all to go away. I want my life back the way it was."
"And how was that?" Todd asked. A wisp of a smile crossed his lips. "How was your life?"
Todd's question was hard for me to answer. It was hard to make it clear to Todd what I wanted. How things had been. How they had gone wrong. But they had gone wrong. Very wrong.
"I want to get back to being with Justin the way we were in the beginning. Before all this talk of trying new things. Somehow it's all just spun out of my control. I don't know why, but . . . like last night . . . and with you here that night. It's fucking out of control. I want it back the way it was."
"And what are you going to do to make that happen?" Todd asked.
"First, Justin has to stop demanding that we can do stuff like fuck with other guys. He has to see that that won't work. He has to understand that we have to have limits and boundaries and stuff like that. We have to agree to them and not challenge them. Or each other. How else are we ever going to be able to trust each other? I wonder all the time what he's really been up to when he's out late at night and . . . and . . ."
I didn't know what else to say.
"And what?" Todd asked. "What will Justin think when he sees these? When he hears what you did at the club last night? And, Billy, you know he will hear about it. See the pictures. Know the truth. What should he think? Who should he trust? You?"
"So you're taking his side?" I asked, feeling like Todd had suddenly turned on me for no reason at all.
"No," he said so calmly I had to listen to him. "I'm only suggesting you might want to look at what's happening from both sides. Yours and Justin's."
He paused and looked hard at me. I felt he was visually dissecting me. Then he began again in that calm voice. "You know, I thought for a while that you could be a very special person in my life. That you and Justin could be special people in Phil's and my life together. But I see now that isn't possible."
"What did you say?" I blurted out, interrupting Todd. "How was I going to be a special kind of person in your life? What does that mean?"
"It doesn't matter now because it won't happen."
"What won't happen? You can't just say something like that and then not explain it." I'd been frustrated and almost crazy with shit. But suddenly I was angry. It showed.
"OK. You want to know, I'll tell you. You probably already figured out that Phil and I aren't a couple the way you and Justin have been. It's not like we were ever in love. But we fit together. We enjoyed each other. The company. The sex. Life together. And so we came to be together. And then we went from being friends and roommates and fuck buddies to also being business partners. The pictures and all." Todd paused and looked at me, like he wondered if I was understanding a word he said.
"OK. I get that," I said, encouraging him to continue.
"So that was fine, but I think every guy wants something more than a friend and fuck buddy. I wanted what you had with Justin. At least what I thought you had with Justin."
"What do you mean had?" I interrupted again.
"I'm not going to fight with you, so 'have' with Justin. OK?" he said, still in his calm voice.
I didn't say anything.
"I thought maybe . . . with the way Phil seemed to feel about Justin and the way I knew I felt about you . . . and the way each of you seemed to return those feelings . . . Anyway I thought you might be a perfect fit. That we could help fill what was missing in your relationship and you could help fill what was missing in ours. It may sound crazy, but that's what I thought. Or at least hoped."
"But not know?" I asked.
"No Billy. Don't you see? You still love Justin. And whether or not you stay together through this mess," he laid the pictures out in front of me again, "you are too out of control to be in even a one-on-one relationship. How could you ever be in anything so complex as . . . Well, it doesn't matter, because it will never happen. Not until you face up to what you have to do and stop blaming everyone else." He touched the pictures with the tips of the fingers of his right hand to make his point.
"But . . ."
He cut me off before I could get a second word out.
"No," he said loudly and firmly. "No, Billy. There should be no room for buts in your life until you deal with yourself . . . until you get yourself under control . . . until you admit that you are as much a part of the problem as Justin . . . maybe more. And you have to be part of the solution. No more buts."
He looked at me sternly. He somehow reminded me of a father. Not my father. But some ideal vision of a father. Like I never had.
I looked back at him. My lower lip trembled. I bit it to hide the fact . . . hide that I was about to cry. And I didn't want to cry. Not then. Not in front of Todd. But I did cry. And he let me. No hug. No 'I'm sorry.' He just let me sit there and cry.
When I was done, we sat in silence until I realized I was the one who had to talk.
We talked for almost two hours. Todd helped me see what was really happening. Not just the pictures from the night before. Not just what I missed out on with him. Not just the problems Justin and I had been having. But how they were all related. All the same. All, in the end, about me and my decisions. Decisions I had made and that it was too late to change. Decisions I could still make and change my future.
It wasn't easy and I didn't always think he was right. But he kept challenging me and what I thought. Kept showing me new ways to see things.
When we were through, I thought I knew what I had to do to start changing my life for the better. What I had to do to save the things that were important to me.
And first on my list was that I had to start being honest with Justin. Above all, I had to tell him the truth or everything I loved was almost certainly lost.
Still, even understanding what I thought I understood, and being committed to changing my life, I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to face Justin. How could I tell him what I had done? How could I ever face him? Would it be too much for him to take?
I hoped not.
Finally Todd herded me out to his car and drove me home. I knew Justin would have been back for hours. It was time to face the music. As we headed toward my home, I started to cry again. Not like a baby. More like a scared, lost kid. I remembered being lost in a store once when I was 5 or 6. I remembered it feeling a lot like I felt just then. Very much alone. Tears rolling down my cheeks.
To Be Continued . . .
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I would love to receive comments on this story from readers. Email me at hardreader2000@aol.com
This is the second book in the "I Thought I Knew" series. It is not necessary to read the books in order, although Book 1 chronologically precedes this book. It can be found under the title "I Thought I Knew" in the High School section. /nifty/gay/highschool/i-thought-i-knew/
The characters in this project are real. The names and some other identifying information in this story have been changed to conceal the identities of the characters described. The Copyright for this story is held by Hardreader. The story may not be reprinted or distributed elsewhere in print, electronically or digitally without the permission of the author.
While you're waiting for the next episode, I hope you'll stay happy. And stay hard! -- H.R.