... I Never Thought it Could End That Way
**Standard disclaimer applies. This is purely fiction (if based only slightly on actual events). Don't read if you shouldn't because you're under 18 or live in a backwards area. This is a continuation of The List. It isn't necessary to read The List, but it would help in understanding characters and references. I appreciate any and all feedback, so please email me at jwolf24450@gmail.com. Enjoy the story!
As humans, we process tens of thousands of decisions a day. Some are trivial; what to eat for breakfast, which route to take to work, whether or not to call your mother. Others are more substantial and require much more care and thought. When making those decisions, we see an end to our choices. We way the final destinations, and make our decisions based on which outcome would be best. I had made a ton of bad decisions up to that point, readers. But never did I think the outcome would turn out that way.
I've been a writer for a very long time, and there are no words for me to describe exactly what I felt as I drove away from St. Mark's School that afternoon. Anger, sadness, surprise. None of those words came close. Disappointed only began to scratch the surface.
I knew I couldn't drive home. Chase wouldn't be out of afternoon practice for a few hours, and the thought of meandering around an empty apartment until then only made what I was feeling worse.
Instead, I drove to the house of a friend I knew would be available.
"Coop, buddy. Come on in."
"I need a drink," I announced, following Spencer into his loft and hearing the door click behind me.
"Um. Okay. Yeah. It's two-thirty in the afternoon. Everything okay?"
"It will be. After a drink."
Spence gave me a knowing look and led me straight to his fully stocked bar.
"We have the usual suspects. Vodka, scotch, tequila."
"Vodka," I said.
"Vodka it is," he replied, pulling two short glasses and pouring Belvedere straight. "Twist?"
"No," I said. I put my hand out to take the glass from my friend and immediately inhaled a sip.
"Cooper, you're shaking. Is everything okay?"
"No," I said, shaking my head. I brought the glass up to my lips and took a long sip. "In fact, nothing is okay. Nothing is going the way that it should."
"What happened?"
"I told CJ that he was going to Chicago and he flipped out. I tried to talk to him at school today, and he basically told me to shove it. In front of a secretary."
"Ouch."
"What am I going to do? I can't lose my kids forever; I didn't sign up for that."
"That really sucks, buddy," Spencer said. He poured more vodka into my glass and topped himself off. He walked around the bar and I followed him to a seat in the living area. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know. I thought it would be easier to put all of this on myself. I thought if he got mad at me, then he wouldn't be mad at Devon for the move, or Lizzy for basically deciding without his input."
"Take one for the team."
"Yeah, but now I want to take it back." Explaining to Spencer exactly what was happening should have helped. Getting it off my chest should have helped, but it didn't. Instead it made me feel like the ultimate failure. I had failed at my marriage, and now I was failing as a father.
"Ceej will come around," Spencer said confidently. There was no sarcasm or snarkiness in his voice. He was serious for once in his life and I took notice. "Trust me. I know the kid. He will come around."
"This time, I don't think that he will."
Like any good friend that knows when to let something go, Spencer didn't say anything else. He simply raised his glass towards me, tilted his head, and took a drink. Two minutes and one bottoms up later, we refilled our glasses and waited for the liquor to hit us.
"You know what just kills me?" I asked an hour into our mid-afternoon bender, party of two. "Is Devon didn't even want to have kids. She wanted to wait."
"I mean, y'all got married when you were like five years old. I wouldn't have wanted kids then either."
"That's not the point. I'm the one who put everything on hold and stayed home. I'm the one that was with them every single day. She's... she's..."
"A bitch."
"She's a bitch!" I echoed. I let out a chuckle. "She's a raging, cheating, fucking bitch!" The laughter tapered. "And she's raising my children. In Chicago!"
"Cooper." Spencer reached out and took a hold of my glass. A minute later, he sat back down with two full vodka and tonics.
"And I know you were right. And Sebastian was right. And Kyle was kind of right, even though... whatever. I mean, I get it. I know I shouldn't have kicked things off full throttle with Chase. But we'd wasted too much time. I'm an idiot. I'm a fucking idiot."
"You're not an idiot." I gave Spencer a look. "Okay, you're an idiot. But are you kidding? Any of us, Bass included, would kill for what you have. You're in love, and you always will be. My guy can't even take me out to a restaurant because he doesn't want anyone to see us together."
"He won't what?"
"We order in, Cooper. When we go out, it's to sports bars and I'm his new `buddy' who's helping him get into real estate." Spencer looked genuinely hurt telling me about the complexities of his relationship with Troy. Here I'd been so self-centered, I didn't even realize that my friends had relationship issues of their own. Any time we got together, it was my drama on the table.
"He's scared," I counseled. "He's probably not used to feeling this way."
"Yeah, well, I'm not used to feeling any way. If he doesn't get used to it soon, he's out."
"Spencer, you like this guy. Give it time. He'll come around."
More drinks led to more drunken talking. It wasn't until I puked at nine o'clock that we put the bottle down. It wasn't until I puked again an hour later that we decided it was time for me to go home.
"I'll drive you," Spencer said.
"No way. You are drunk. I'll take a cab."
"And what? Leave your car here?" he asked.
"I'll get it tomorrow."
"I'll drive you tonight in your car and I will take a cab back."
I looked Spencer in the eye. He seemed fine to make it, so I resigned. There was no use arguing. He was always the guy that drove. I handed him my keys, grabbed my coat, and followed him to my car.
We logged ten more minutes of Devon bashing on the way up town, using the back roads and avoiding I-75 at all drunk driving cost. When we got to the apartment, I noticed Chase's car in the drive.
"He's here, so... If you want to wait for a cab out here, I understand."
"Cooper, you've said it before. He's in your life. I can wait inside."
I looked at my friend to see if he was serious. I shrugged.
"Alright. Call a town car or whatever and come on up."
I gave Spencer the address. He dialed as we pulled ourselves up the stairs to my front door.
"Ugh, he better not use that fake French bullshit while I'm here," Spencer said hanging up and knocking. He crossed his arms and waited. A second later, the door light clicked on. A second after that, Chase answered the door in nothing but running shorts.
"Gamin," he said.
"And there it is," Spencer breathed under his breath. I laughed.
"Gamin, where have you been? I've been calling you for an hour," his voice sounded strained and concerned.
"He was with me," Spencer said, following Chase into the living room. "We were having a therapy session."
"And my phone was off. Or off me. Or something. I don't know, I didn't hear it."
"Well you should have heard it," Chase replied. "I was calling because your son is here."
"What?" I immediately snapped out of any traces of drunkenness I was feeling. "Where is he?"
"He's asleep upstairs. I told him you'd wake him up when you got home."
I couldn't believe what he was saying. The same son I had seen earlier that afternoon who had wanted nothing to do with me was sleeping in the room I'd picked out just for him. It didn't add up.
"What's he doing here?"
"I don't know. He said he needed to talk to you and that he'd wait until you got home."
I looked at Spencer. He blinked his eyes at me.
"Go talk to him."
"Are you okay? Here... with..."
"We're adults, Cooper. I won't slug him, so go."
I nodded, and moved towards the stairs, hesitating at first and then moving more quickly. I could only imagine how awkward those two would be in the living room while I was upstairs, but I didn't really care. He'd come to talk to me and nothing was going to stop me from explaining the situation to him.
"Coop," Chase called from down below. I stopped, turned and looked at him, just in time to see a pack of gum whizzing towards my face. I must have still had traces of vodka vomit on my breath, even after brushing three times.
The sight of my son sleeping peacefully on his side, in his clothes from school, curled up and facing the wall just like I had when I was his age took away any lingering bits of alcohol in my system. I sat at the edge of his bed and shook his shoulders.
"Hey, buddy," I whispered. "You awake?"
He turned slowly, rubbed his eyes, and yawned awake.
"Dad," he yawned, sitting up and leaning on the wall. He brought his knees to his chest and hugged them.
"Yeah," I replied. "What's up? Chase said you came by earlier and it was important."
He looked me in the eye for a second before looking down. I could tell he was tired.
"I, um... I wanted to apologize for earlier at school. I was pretty pissed."
"Yeah, you were. And I don't blame you. You have every right to be angry at me, son, but I just want you to..."
"I know that what you did wasn't easy." The way he said it warmed me from the inside out. I didn't imagine for a second that he completely got it, but he must have on some level for him to realize that I only had my kid's interest at heart in making my decision.
"CJ, you have no clue how difficult it was."
"You didn't have to pretend like I was going to ruin your life if I stayed."
"I know. And I should have explained everything honestly from the very beginning. But I didn't want you to blame your mom or your sister for all of this."
"Yeah, I know. That's what mom said."
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Yeah," he replied. I couldn't help myself. I leaned in and gave my son a big hug. I swallowed hard, trying to keep whatever was welling up in my eye from falling down my cheek and onto the top of my son's head.
"I love you so much kiddo," I said softly.
"I know, Dad. I love you too."
"We'll talk in the morning, okay?"
I let him go, repeated how much I loved him, and told him to get out of his uniform and go to bed.
Spencer was gone when I made it back downstairs and Chase was in the kitchen pouring boiling water into the coffee press.
"How is he?"
"He's fine," I replied. "He's, um... I don't know. He keeps surprising me. Is that even possible? For a kid his age to surprise me?"
"You did an awesome job with him. Both of them. They're good kids."
"Yeah," I said. I walked around the bar and pulled Chase into a close hug. "You would make an amazing dad, too."
"You think so?" he smiled, his eyes firmly on mine. I nodded. "You planning to knock me up, Carpenter?"
I laughed. For the first time in a long time, I let out a real laugh. I could see light somewhere far down at the end of the tunnel. I could see a world in which my kids didn't resent me, Chase didn't abandon me, and my friends and I all got along.
"If I could knock you up, Pal, I would have done it a long time ago," I laughed. He leaned in and gave me a quick peck.
"I'm not 100 percent convinced you can't," he replied, kissing me again. "We should put it to the test."
Another kiss and I was ready to put it to the test. He leaned in, put his hand on the back of my head, and held our lips together in a long and passionate kiss. His embrace was warm, and strong. It was much more intoxicating than anything Spencer could have served me. I would have melted in his arms right then.
Instead, I pushed him back, wiped his saliva off my lips, and looked him deep in the eye.
"I would tonight, but... he's right upstairs. And... I don't know."
It was a reflex I hadn't expected. I hadn't thought about how I'd feel having sex with Chase while my kids were in the apartment. It wasn't something I'd faced until then, and being faced with it, my body bypassed my brain and made the decision on its own. It wasn't happening.
I could tell he was slightly disappointed, having revved up, even for just a second.
"I get it," he said, trying not to show his disappointment. But I could see it in his face. It was a face that concealed nothing, especially from me. After all this time, he may as well have written his emotions on his forehead for how well I could recognize them.
I leaned in for another kiss, this time only barely letting our lips graze together.
"Maybe we just keep it extra quiet," I whispered. He pushed into me firmly. I grabbed his hand and led him to the bedroom. A minute later, I was on my knees in front of him, giving him a silent blowjob so that my son, who was approximately 30 steps away wouldn't hear.
Ten minutes after that, Chase wordlessly gave me a load of cum that was as sweet as it was silent. And ten minutes after that, I fell asleep in his nook.
I woke up earlier than usual the next morning. I had two classes to lecture and a ton of work to catch up on. I had papers to grade, edits to make, and bosses to avoid. But before all of that could start, I had a son to console.
I woke up around six a.m., my head throbbing and my stomach turning. I started with one bottle of water and two ibuprofen, followed by another bottle and a cup of coffee. I took a quick shower, and then hit the kitchen to make waffles.
Chase woke up just as I finished the first batch.
"Will you grab Ceej, please? He needs to get up so we can talk before school."
Chase lethargically bound up the stairs and knocked on CJ's door. A minute later, the two of them, both as lazy as zombies, crawled down the stairs and sat at the bar. I put up two plates of waffles and warm maple syrup.
"This is good, Dad," CJ mumbled.
"Anyone want some fruit?"
"When did you become Betty Homemaker?"
"Are you kidding?" CJ answered. "Dad makes the best breakfast. It's pretty much all he can cook, but still. Waffles, pancakes, quiche."
"My quiche is pretty good."
"It's amazing. I'll miss it," CJ added, stuffing a huge piece of waffle into his mouth.
"Speaking of, I wanted to talk to you this morning," I said.
"Should I go?"
"No, you can stay," CJ answered for me before I had the chance to politely say it would be better if he took a shower. I let it go, and pressed on.
"I know that this whole thing is screwed up. And I want you to know that I didn't mean what I said the other day. I'm not tired of you hanging around. Chase and I aren't starting a family to replace you guys."
"I know. That's what Mom said."
"She explained that to you?"
"Yeah," he said.
"What else did she say?" I was curious what my ex wife had told our very volatile child to get him to soften enough towards me to seek me out and apologize.
"She said that you were taking the bullet for her and Liz. She said that you would rather have me mad at you than at them. She said that you tore this family apart enough, and you didn't want to do it anymore, so you were willing to let us go off and be a family without you. It was some pretty dramatic stuff, Dad, even for her."
"Wow," I replied. I made a note to thank her at some point before they left. I wondered what would prompt her to say such nice things about me, after everything I had done. "Do you have any idea what made her say that?"
CJ didn't respond. Instead he took a huge bite out of his waffle and shrugged. It made me slightly suspicious of what he might have done or said to get her to sit him down and explain the situation. Maybe she heard about the St. Mark's incident and thought enough was enough.
"In any case, your mom is right, kiddo. It was stupid, but the other day, I thought it would be easier to have you upset with me than with your mother or sister."
"It's not your fault they want to move to Chicago."
"I know. But it is my fault that I'm not going with them. And you. That much is my fault."
"I guess. I just wish we could all stay in Dallas and live like we are now. It's not so bad taking cabs to and from your apartment. And in a couple years I can drive. It would just be easier if we could stay."
What could I say to that? That this town was too small for his mother and me to both live in it? That Chicago wasn't that far away. He'd still be able to see me? Things would change beyond what they already had.
"I know you want to stay here, but that's impossible as of now. Right now, you need to embrace Chicago and starting over. It'll be an adventure."
"I guess," he said, totally unconvinced. I looked to Chase for a brief reprieve of support. He shrugged.
"I need to get ready for work, kiddo, and you need to get dressed for school."
He nodded, silently finished his waffle, and then slugged his way upstairs. I hopped in the shower, intending a quick rinse, but was joined by Chase just as I was lathering up.
"I don't have time for anything this morning," I said.
"Okay," he replied. "How do you feel?"
"About?"
"Your son."
"You know how I feel," I replied, turning away from him and hogging the stream.
"I want you to tell me. Just in case I have it wrong."
"I feel bad for making him go through this. I feel awful because of all four of us, he's getting the biggest shaft. I just... I wish I could take it back."
I turned around. Chase was looking at me intently, reading exactly what was in my eyes.
"You're a good man, Cooper. This will pass, and you will realize that you are a good man, and a good father."
I looked at him, finding it hard to believe his words. A good man doesn't put his family through hell. A good man doesn't punish all of those around him because of his impulses. A good man grins, bears it, and endures. I wasn't a good man, and I knew it. But there was a good man looking at me, believing in me. And even if I couldn't be a good man, I could try.
"Thank you," I said. I stepped out of the shower, got dressed in a flash, and called for CJ upstairs. Making the morning detour to make waffles for three had really set me back, and I was running late.
"I'm almost ready, Dad," he said.
"Hurry, please. Traffic on the Tollway is going to suck," I called.
Just as I was picking up my shoulder bag, I heard Chase exit the bedroom in his towel and walk into the kitchen for a cup of coffee.
"Hey gamin, if you need to get to work, I can take CJ to St. Mark's with me."
"I thought you didn't have to be there until this afternoon," I replied, fishing for my keys.
"Actually, I was planning to go in early and do a few reps while the pool was free. It's not a problem at all."
I looked at Chase and then up the stairs. It was a good idea, I thought. The two of them were comfortable around each other, and I appreciated that.
"Ceej! Chase is going to take you to school, okay?"
"Okay, I'll be down in a minute," he replied. I turned to Chase and thanked him.
"Not a problem." I could tell by the grin on his face that he had taken my words the night before seriously. I wasn't sure if he was trying to prove something to me, or live up to my assertion that he'd make a good dad, but something about him, and how he'd volunteered to drive CJ, seemed different.
I drove to work, avoiding the interstate traffic by taking the Frontage Road all the way up to University. By the time I found parking in the faculty lot and hauled myself into the English building, I only had seven minutes to spare before my lecture.
I immediately opened my email, and just as I was opening Professor Kinnear's response to my message, I heard a knock on my door.
"I was hoping to catch you this morning," Kinnear said, stepping into my office. "Can I come in?"
"Sure thing," I replied. "I was just about to open your email."
"Yeah, it just says I'll be at a conference in Houston tomorrow. I wanted to catch you though. Your email sounded urgent."
I sat up and took a deep breath.
"Yeah, I um. I know the powers that be are still making their final decision about what to do with me, and I just wanted to let you know that I changed the manuscript."
"Oh you did?"
"Yessir," I said. "It's completely different. It lacks the... intimacy of the one you read. More in line with All Cooped Up."
I tried to read the response on his face, but Kinnear betrayed nothing.
"That's a relief," he finally sighed.
"Okay... so we're good then?"
"Get the draft of your new manuscript to me as soon as you can," he said, returning to his urgent tone.
"It's done," I said. I had it pulled up on my computer and could have it sent before my first class.
"Good. I'm not sure how far up this decision has already gone, but I'll definitely make it known that you're making changes. We'll see if we can save your job."
"That's all I'm hoping for."
Kinnear left, and I took a deep breath. I composed myself, fixed my tie, pulled on a blazer and left my office for class.
Eight hours and three lectures later, I left SMU feeling like all hope wasn't lost. Maybe I'd get to keep my job. Maybe not. It was definitely looking up at that point, but I wasn't going to get my hopes up until I heard one way or the other from the department head or the dean. I loaded up a stack of response papers to take home and grade. They should have been done a week before, but distractions I considered justified had gotten in the way.
My phone rang as I loaded the papers and my bag into the passenger's seat of the car.
"Hello?" I answered as I stepped in and buckled up.
"Hey, Cooper. Are you off work?" her voice sounded tired and worn, as if she'd been on it all day.
"Yeah, I am. What's up?"
"I... um... I wanted to talk to you. Liz is at Sebastian and Britney's house. CJ left me a message saying he and Chase were going to get dinner together after soccer. Which is perfect because I was hoping you could stop by the house so we could talk."
"Yeah," I replied. "I'm just leaving the office now. I can be at the house in five."
"Okay, perfect," she said. I noticed the relief in her voice, as if the hard part was over. Calling me was the difficult part. Whatever she had to say from here would be easy.
It took one look at Devon when I pulled into the driveway to realize that what I'd initially thought was completely false. She didn't look like the hard part was over. On the other hand, she looked as fatigued as ever. To any normal naked eye, she was still radiant. Her hair was pulled back, her clothes hung neatly off her frame, and her glasses concealed any emotion in her eyes. But I could tell that she'd lost weight, even since our last custody meeting. Devon only ever pulled her hair back when she was too stressed to straighten it properly, and I could see the tiredness clear through her reading lenses.
"Hey," I said, trying my best to be cheerful as I walked up to the open door.
"Come in, Coop," she said, just as determined to not be warm towards me. I watched her take a seat at the breakfast table with half an eye. The other half scanned the living room, wondering where all of our stuff had gone.
Most of the small things we'd collected over the years had been packed away. Books, lamps, pictures on the wall. The place was bare, except for the large bookshelf and the sectional couch. The kitchen was even worse. The pots and pans that normally hung above the island counter were gone. So were any small appliances. The space looked deserted, as if Devon and the kids were squatting.
"I can see packing is coming along," I said. I knew that Devon planned on leaving soon, but I didn't know that soon meant packing had already started.
"Yeah," she replied. "We started putting things away when Liz and I got back. Movers are coming for the big things on Saturday. Everything else will be shipped after us next week."
I heard the words, and my mind instinctively began doing the calculations. If the small stuff was moving after them sometime next week, that meant they were leaving before sometime next week.
My face betrayed my conclusion almost as soon as I reached it. Devon tilted her head, put a strand of hair behind her ear and sighed.
"You knew we were leaving soon."
"How soon?"
"Tuesday afternoon," she replied. It was Thursday. My kids would be gone in less than a week.
"You're kidding me."
"Cooper..."
"Were you just going to sneak out of town in five days without telling me?"
"That's why I..."
"Tuesday? Jesus Christ, Dev. When am I even going to get to say goodbye."
"What? Were you going to throw a going away party?"
"Maybe," I replied firmly. "I would have liked the chance."
"Well you have until Tuesday. I start work the following Monday, and I'd like time to get settled in."
I rolled my eyes. I knew why she was leaving so quickly, and it irked me.
"Oh, you need time to settle in. A whole week?"
"There is a lot to do when we arrive," she said, her voice even. She wasn't being defensive, rather she spoke as if I was being the ridiculous one. No, I thought. Leaving without giving me proper notice was ridiculous. I suddenly had no desire to speak to her. I wanted to be anywhere in the world but near my ex wife.
"Did you need to tell me something, or was this house call simply to inform me that you were halfway out of town already?"
"I understand your frustration," she began to rationalize.
"No, I honestly don't think that you do. I was here two nights ago and everything was intact. You couldn't tell me my kids were leaving in less than a week at that point? Our divorce isn't even final yet."
"The papers will be out on Monday."
"Unbelievable," I retorted, hoisting myself up from my seat, ready to bolt.
"Cooper, sit down. Please." I looked her in the eye, half standing, halfway leaning against the table. I blinked slowly and lowered myself back into the seat. "There are a couple things I want to get out of the air before we leave."
I had little to no desire to let her explain why they were packing up and getting out of Dodge so quickly. I squirmed in my seat, dug down and sat there. I felt like I owed her that much. If she had things to get off her chest, I'd let her. I'd make her feel guilty for giving me approximately five day's notice later.
"I was thinking about how this all started the other day. I was packing up our old bedroom and I found your old Mustang shirt."
"Dev..." If I wasn't uncomfortable already, I certainly was at that point. I didn't think another trip down Sentimental Lane was necessary. We'd been through this before, the both of us. I was ready to move on, and clearly she was just ready to move.
"Hey Carpenter," she said with a smile as I walked straight into her bedroom, opening the door after a brief knock. "How was the date?"
"You've been in that position staring at that same book since I left," I answered, avoiding the question. "I'm not even sure you've turned the page."
"Yeah, yeah," she replied, scooting over in her bed and pulling the cover so I could scoot in and sit next to her. I kicked off my shoes. "Some of us came to college to learn how to do other things besides dissect Haikus and take bong rips."
"We do sonnets and drink wine, occasionally," I retorted with a smile.
"You're avoiding. How was the date?"
"The same as the last six dates," I answered honestly. "He blabbed for an hour, I got tired of him. Spencer called to give me an out, and I walked around the promenade eating fro-yo."
"Thinking about he who shall not be named?"
I turned to her and pursed my lips.
"You know, I'm starting to think no other guy will ever measure up," I said. I lay down in her bed, reached over, grabbed her remote control, and clicked the TV on. I heard her close her Bio book and crawl down next to me. I clicked to Lifetime, almost as a reflex, just as a commercial for `The Craig's List Killer' came on. I made a mental note to watch it on Thursday at 8/7 Central.
It was our ritual. It had been for a couple months. Devon and I would hang out, watch cheap TV, and eat 100 calorie packs on occasion, all while I avoided my recent heartbreak. We'd lie there next to each other until one of us fell asleep and the other spooned in next to them.
"At least you're getting back out there," she said, breaking the routine for once. We talked, but never about him. And never about how sad my life was. She turned towards me, propped her head up with her elbow, and looked at me deeply. I kept my eyes peeled to the TV.
"Eventually, you'll find someone who will erase every memory of that guy."
She was fond of calling him `That Guy'. That guy who broke my heart. That guy who I loved and lost. That guy who disappeared and never came back. I followed her lead, turned to face her and forced a smile.
"I appreciate your optimism."
"I'm serious, Cooper. You're a catch. And someone deserving will realize that."
"What if," I started slowly. "What if people only get so many chances in their life? What if I've used up all of my chances on Chase and Kyle?"
"I doubt that," she replied with a smile. "But if you have, then you'll die alone. Probably with a cat or two. And you'll have me, of course. And probably Spencer. He's never getting married. And the three of us, four if you count the cat, can sit around and watch reruns of Keeping up with the Kardashians every Sunday. And we'll all be jealous of Sebastian and Britney."
"Naturally."
I laughed out loud at the last part. Those two were always the barometer, regardless of how dysfunctional they were. The on-again/off-again. It was comical that everyone envied their relationship.
And with that laugh, I felt better. I felt better about all of the failed attempts to date again. I felt better about the future outlook. And I felt better about being next to a straight girl when all I wanted was a different boy, a million miles away.
"You know what would be easiest?" I asked, my voice low and unusually serious. It surprised even me, as I spoke without thinking. "If you and I just got together."
"Oh, come on."
"No, I'm serious. We're both attractive. We get along perfectly. I'm always here anyway. I would save so much money on fro-yo."
She smiled a wide and hearty smile. One of those rare ones that snuck through her usually composed demeanor.
"Yeah, well, there's one minor detail that would make our union celibate at best."
I gave her a wicked grin, scooted in and pulled her close to me.
"I don't know," I said flippantly. "I wasn't always into guys, you know? I had quite the reputation in high school."
"Oh, did you, lady killer?"
"I did." I ran my hand up the inside of her shirt, jokingly at first. Her skin was smooth and soft. Hairless. I'd seen her naked a million times. I'd touched her delicate skin a million times. But even lying there, joking with her about it, it felt different. Our eyes locked, I grinned like a little kid about to reach second for the first time, and I let my fingers graze upwards.
I could tell that my touch had a different effect on her that time, just like it did me. For being only half serious about it, the implication was the same.
What if?
"It would never work," she whispered. She held my gaze without blinking. I knew she was right, practically. But theoretically, it would have. Instead of answering, I leaned in close, kissed her softly, and leaned back for a reaction.
Was that okay? I wanted to ask. She blinked at me, giving me no indication of whether or not it was okay.
"Are you drunk?" was her eventual response. I felt like an idiot at first, but when she smiled at me, I smiled back and shook my head quickly.
"Do you think we should be?"
"Yes," she replied, jumping out of bed and dashing to her stash in her mini fridge in the corner. She pulled out a bottle of Grey Goose, and I met her at the foot of the bed. She took the first pull and we alternated after that, discussing the implications of what would happen if we went through with our anatomical experiment. She gave me brief rundown of what I'd find down there, as a refresher course. Ever the science nerd, she offered to draw me a map.
"I think I'll be okay," I told her, refusing the map.
"You're serious about this?"
"Devon, you could be out with any guy right now. Any night of the week. But you always wait here for me. And I doubt that I will ever be in love with a guy again. Maybe, you know... this is how it was meant to end up."
And even at the time, I only partially believed what I was saying. Instead of waiting for a response, I took one last sip, and then went in for a second kiss. This time, it wasn't brief. I didn't look back and ask for permission. I went in. I tested my theory. And contrary to what she predicted, this time, it worked.
Devon took a deep breath. "I want you to know that I'm not mad at you anymore. I'm not filing our marriage away as a waste. The time we had, I think that we were pretty lucky. And so, I want you to know that I am leaving here, and I'm not angry with you anymore."
I felt a pang of guilt. I had come in expecting the worst, and here she was, for the first time since this whole thing began, laying it out and expressing that she didn't totally and completely hate me.
"I appreciate that." I answered. I ran my tongue over my top row of teeth "Thank you for telling me that."
We sat there, looking at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time before either of us said anything.
"Was that all you wanted to..." I asked, trailing off. I would have rather left right there, on a good note, but I had to be sure there wasn't ore.
"No, um... actually. Did CJ talk to you last night?"
"We talked this morning. About what you told him. How you explained everything I was trying to do. That was really noble of you. Thanks for that."
Devon rolled her eyes upwards and swallowed. She pursed her lips slowly and pulled an invisible strand of her hair behind her ear, as if her pony tail wasn't already perfect. This was her routine any time she was about to deliver a statement she didn't want to. It was her routine any time something threatened to embarrass her, or puncture through her porcelain exterior.
"He didn't say anything else?" I looked at her, wondering what the hell she was talking about. "He didn't tell you why I all of a sudden pulled him aside and told him what I thought your reasoning was?"
"No. He just said you sat him down and told him that the Chicago move was going to suck and that I was trying to keep him from getting mad at you and Lizzy. Why? What happened?"
I could tell she was about to say something that made her highly uncomfortable and I braced myself. What could have possibly prompted Devon, who here-to-fore was ready to pack the kids up and head out of town like a bat out of Texan hell?
"I walked in on your son masturbating, Cooper."
She looked at me deeply, her eyes wide. It took me a second to play back exactly what she'd said, and when I did, I could only muster up one reaction.
"Stop laughing, it was... it was awkward."
"Devon," I choked, cracking up. "Wait. Wait a second." I couldn't stop laughing, as hard as I tried. Finally, after catching my breath, I croaked.
"Okay... so you had this heart to heart with Ceej because you caught him... choking the chicken?" I erupted into uncontrollable laughter after the words escaped my mouth.
"Wah... I decided after walking in on him punishing himself, that I had no clue what I was dealing with. He's... he's at that age, Cooper. What was I supposed to tell him?"
"I don't know."
"Well I sat him down and told him all of the reasons why he should forgive you and then I sent him over to your place. He was supposed to talk to you about... that."
"He was asleep when I got home last night," I confessed. "We didn't talk until this morning, and even then it was just about the move fiasco."
"Well... I was over my head on that one. And I knew that I'd be over my head on a lot of things. Lizzy I can figure out. I was a teenage girl, I get what she's dealing with. But CJ, and that situation, I just... I'll have no one to send him to in Chicago."
I read her face, complete with every implication written on it. My laughter, inside and out subsided as the gravity of what my very soon to be ex wife was saying hit me. The look on my face must have indicated how little I believed in what she said. There was no way I was reading her right.
"He needs his father, Coop. Right now, more than ever. He needs his father."
I blinked at her, unable to form a response. There was a pain in her eyes that I hadn't seen until then. It wasn't the pain of someone who had lost a husband. It was the pain of something I completely understood, all too well. It was the pain of someone who was about to do the right thing no matter how much it hurt them.
"As much as I would love to come between that and have him move to Chicago with me and Lizzy, I just... I can't. I can't win this one. He needs his father."
The flash of vulnerability I caught in that epiphany quickly subsided as Devon returned to her pragmatic way.
"I thought about it today, and I think he should finish the semester out here. If things are going well, maybe the year. Graduate junior high with his class. I don't know."
"What?"
I was stunned. I had a million thoughts swirling through my head and not a single one of them landed. Part of me wanted to celebrate, but part of me couldn't help but think it was a mistake. I'd offered the deal to the judge for a reason. Separating the kids wasn't an option.
"I know what you're thinking," Deon said, clearly reading my confused expression accurately. "And as much as I agree with you, I don't think letting him finish out the year here with you would be the worst thing. It'll give him a chance to get acclimated with the idea of Chicago. He can come visit a couple times, as many times as he needs. And he can start high school there. He and Liz aren't going to fall apart over six months."
I heard the words, and they sounded reasonable. She continued to deliver her case, rapid fire, clearly afraid that I'd stop her again.
"I looked into this registry thing. You can get on a list with American Airlines and they'll put you on any flight at any time with only twenty-four hours notice. Overbooked or not. It's expensive, but I've arranged to have you, the kids, and myself on it so that in any event, we're only twenty-four hours away from each other."
"I can pay for half," I said quietly, trying to digest everything.
"Consider it a peace offering," she replied. "If we work together, we can make this whole thing work."
I had no clue what to say. I mulled everything around for a minute, trying to find the right response to everything she had laid out. I thought about it for what felt like an eternity, and I finally made the decision not to make the same mistake again.
"I'll talk to CJ about it. And Chase. And I'll let you know."
"Of course," she nodded. "Talk to them. But don't pretend like this isn't what you want. I think this is best, so..."
It was then and only then that I appreciated how difficult a decision this was for Devon. I tried to remember how hard it had been for me to make the same conclusion, that signing the kids away was the best decision. I didn't think for a second that it was any easier for Devon.
We finished up our chat, and I said my goodbyes. I asked Devon if I could take Lizzy to lunch the following day, and she agreed to let me do dinner. Friday was her last day and we were both certain she'd want to spend it with her friends. I thought about suggesting a going away dinner with all of us, but I figured that might be pushing it.
I spent the drive home wondering where this sudden olive branch had come from. I knew that Devon was doing what she considered best. Easiest. But I couldn't help but wonder why. She didn't chicken out simply because she realized our son was going through puberty and it was awkward for her. Was she feeling guilty about the move? Did she realize that forcing CJ to go was a huge punishment directed towards someone who hadn't done anything wrong? Did she worry about me and what I would go through watching my entire family pack up and walk away?
Regardless of her reasons, it wasn't until I was turning into Lemmon Square that I realized she was probably right. We could do this if we worked together. It would be challenging, stressful, inconvenient. But it was doable.
And at that point, I considered doable the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.
When I walked into the apartment, I was greeted by the smell of Italian take-out and the sound of CJ explaining a game to Chase.
"Okay, when you go for a dive, make sure you extend your hands first and then step forward. Your guy will have better placement that way," he said.
"Okay, I got it. Let's kick Terry/Rosedale's ass!" I walked into the living room right in time to see the high five. I turned to the TV and saw they were playing virtual sand volleyball on one of CJ's game consoles. Chase looked absolutely ridiculous with the wrist controls straining around his hand.
"Hey guys," I said, stepping in and setting my bag down.
"Hey Dad."
"Hi Coop."
"There's food in the oven for you. Lasagna," CJ said.
"Great," I replied. "How about after this game--"
"--Get it!" CJ shouted over me.
"--We turn the game off."
"Dad, we're one match away from the Malibu Cup title. You have to let us finish." His protest was half hearted as he passed the virtual ball to a virtual Chase, who slammed it across a virtual net right in between the members of team Terry/Rosedale. It wasn't a perfect kill, but it did the trick.
Instead of arguing, I let them finish. I put my things in the bedroom and pulled out a plate of Lasagna from eatZi's.
By the time I warmed it up and sat down at the bar to watch their game, they'd beaten Terry/Rose. Chase walked over and gave me a kiss on the forehead. CJ looked anxious to get the next match started.
"Can we play one more before we shut it off, Dad?" he asked.
"You can play all you want when your homework is done."
"Dad, I'm done with school here tomorrow and I don't start in Chicago for a week and a half. There's no point in turning anything in."
"He knows I'm a teacher, right?" I asked Chase, who smiled and sat down next to me.
"Chase, don't you want to finish the tournament?"
"Don't answer that," I interrupted before Chase had the chance. I knew he would say yes and I couldn't believe the two were pitted against me already.
"Listen, you probably should go up and finish your homework, because if you're up for it, your mom and I want to give you the option of finishing the semester here. Maybe for the year."
"Wait, what?"
"Chicago isn't going anywhere, last I checked. If you want, and it's totally up to you, you can stay here while your mom and sister get settled in. You can go visit them whenever, get comfortable with the city, check things out, and then eventually you can join them up there for good."
"Wait... you and mom agreed on this?" he looked skeptical.
"Yes, kiddo, we agreed. Now, go upstairs. I need to see if Chase is okay with it too."
"He's okay with it," CJ said confidently. He took the control bands off his wrists and pointed at Chase. "You're okay with it." His tone was playful if not a little threatening.
"I guess I'm okay with it," he shrugged with a grin.
"See. We're all done here."
"Upstairs, homework. Let's go. Y'all will win the Malibu Cup after homework time."
Chase and I sat in silence watching my spitting image bound up the stairs, the happiest I'd seen him in weeks.
"Wow, gamin." Chase was the first to speak. "Color me surprised."
"You should have seen my face when Devon suggested it."
"She suggested it?" I nodded. "Okay, now I'm really shocked."
"Look, I'm not sure where helping me raise a kid fits in to your overall plan, but..."
Chase interrupted me with a forceful kiss that almost knocked me back from my barstool.
"Don't say anything else. We're doing this." I smiled, nodded, and pulled him in for another kiss.
"Your life will change," I said, his lips still firmly on mine. He kissed me deeply again, prying my lips apart with his tongue.
"Maybe I'm ready for my life to change," he breathed into me. I felt his two big hands take my plate of food out of my hands and set it down. A second later, he pulled my head even closer to his, if that was even humanly possible.
"Ready for carpools?"
"Mhmm..." he moaned.
"Teenage gaming parties?" I asked, pulling away slightly.
"Sure," he said, pulling me back in. I let him kiss me strongly for another minute, the passion building right there between us, on two barstools in the living room. Just when I thought I couldn't take it much longer without my cock physically poking through my slacks, I pushed him back by the chest, licked my lips, and smiled at him.
"Not making out in common areas?"
"I can handle anything you throw at me," Chase replied confidently. Seeing him take the news in such slick stride filled me with more love for the guy than I could have imagined. I leaned in for one more kiss, only instead of making lip to lip contact, my lip hit Chase's forefinger.
"No making out, remember?" he said with a smirk.
I bit down on my tongue and raised an eyebrow at him.
"Oh, I see how you're going to play that. You'll pay for that one," I replied, pulling my plate back and diving back into my dinner.
"I certainly hope so," he whispered. He got up, poured us two glasses of wine, and forced me to retell exactly what Devon had said.
CJ claimed to have finished all the work due on Friday by eight o'clock. He bound down the stairs, pulled Chase away from our chat, and forced him back onto the game. I retreated to the bar, spread out a stack of student response papers, and forced myself to block out the noise and accomplish some grading. By the sound of the back-ground racket, the two of them won the Malibu Cup with the newly formed CarPal team and were off to the Miami Tournament.
Almost two hours and two tournaments later, I told CJ he needed to get his things so I could drive him home for the night.
"Can't I stay the night here?" he asked. "I have clothes for tomorrow."
"Kiddo, it's your last week with your mom and sister, so no. I'm driving you home."
I braced myself for a minor fit, but instead, he curled his lip, took off his wrist controls, and went upstairs to pack up. When I returned from Highland Park twenty minutes later, Chase was lying in bed, talking on the phone. I noticed that his hair was wet and he had the bed cover pulled up haphazardly to his bare chest.
He smiled at me and held up a one minute finger at me. Instead of sticking around and eavesdropping, I walked straight into the master bath, took my clothes off, and hopped in for a quick shower. The only thing I heard was the tail end of Chase asking whoever was on the phone to explain something one more time.
When I got out of the bathroom, Chase was sitting up on the edge of the bed. His face was pensive and I could tell that whatever news had come from the other end of the line wasn't good.
"What's wrong?"
He looked up and noticed me standing in front of him. I could easily see the wheels in his head turn as he mulled through whatever was on his mind.
"Nothing," he said finally, shaking it off and forcing a smile. "Everything is fine. We need to celebrate."
Without giving me a chance to respond, he pulled me down on top of him and moved his legs in between mine. My towel didn't last more than a second before he had shoved it to the side and his boxers came tearing off.
The speed with which Chase went from zero to sixty would have alarmed me had it not been so hot. I let him push me onto my back and forcefully slide on top of me, grinding our dicks to together, and rubbing his big hands over my chest. I was sure that I was going to get some sort of carpet burn by how hard Chase ground our bodies together, not releasing my lips from his for a second. Before I knew it, he grunted softly and pushed his cock against the entrance of my ass.
"Mmmm," he said, biting down on my bottom lip and tweaking my nipple roughly. "Let me in, babe."
I wasn't totally relaxed and ready yet, so I moved my hips up slowly and let his dick slide across my ass, teasing me open without going in.
"Mmmm," he moaned again, putting his strong hand under the small of my back and pulling me up towards him. A second later, he buried down, the entire weight of his body pushing down on me. I took in a deep breath and felt his dick bury itself down to the hilt of my cock.
It was fast, furious, and at first, a little painful. I was used to him taking his time, spreading me open, starting off slow. But this was a different Chase. A powerful Chase. A horny Chase.
It didn't take long before the initial pain subsided and I was thrusting upwards to meet his forceful penetration. As quickly as he'd turned me around and entered, Chase pulled out, pulled me to the very edge of the bed, stood before me, and pulled my legs up to his shoulder. He smiled down at me, a wicked smile, and a second later, he plowed in for position two.
"Oh fuck..." he moaned loudly. It took me another minute to adjust, but again, when I did, I met his passion with a fierceness of my own.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck..." I repeated, trying my best to match his intensity. As good as it felt to have him thrust in and out of me, something about his cadence and rhythm continued to throw me.
"Oh fuck..." he repeated over and over, grabbing onto my ankles and pushing in and out at a pace I'd never felt before. It was awesome, new, and different. Had I closed my eyes and let myself go, it could have been a complete stranger fucking me.
"Oh, Coop..." he shouted, his thrusts growing slower and deeper. "Fuck!"
And just like that, with the same speed he'd done everything else, Chase came deep inside of me. He stood there for a second, smiled down at me as traces of sweat fell down his face. He grasped my cock in his hands and squeezed it roughly. His dick was still hard and inside of me, and it didn't take long for him to milk my orgasm out. Still, I was only half paying attention to how good it felt to finish and have him collapse on top of my pool of cum, his sticky dick still tickling the outside of my asshole.
The other half of me was wondering where that display had come from. Without saying anything, I stood up, walked to the bathroom and wiped up. When I got back less than a minute later, Chase was on his side of the bed, covers pulled, facing away from the middle.
I crawled in behind him and wrapped my arm around his arm, taking his hand in mine and weaving our fingers together. He let himself scoot in close to me as I rested my chin at the small of his neck.
I knew he wasn't asleep, but I still hesitated at first. After a minute of letting our bodies slow down and our breathing temper, I asked the question.
"What was that phone call all about?"
It didn't take a genius to put two and two together. Whatever news he'd received had propelled him into a fucking frenzy, one we both enjoyed, but one that couldn't be ignored.
"I don't want to talk about it," he said quietly. He pulled my hand tighter around his and brought both of us up to his lips. He kissed my hand and finally rested them against his chest.
"Are you sure?"
"When you say you don't want to talk about things, do I ask if you're sure?" The words felt like he was snapping, but his voice was so even keeled, I couldn't tell. Still, I recoiled. I felt myself physically stiffen up behind him.
Chase must have felt my body go hard against his, because he pulled me in closer and took a deep breath.
"It was a call from Morgan's treatment center," Chase said. His voice remained as even as ever; if my hand hadn't had been directly over his heart as it began to beat faster, I wouldn't have been able to tell anything was wrong.
I wanted to say something, but I couldn't figure out what. All I could do was wait for him to tell me what they'd said on the other line. And he did. After four seconds and a hundred chest beats, he finally said the words.
"He's disappeared, gamin. They can't find him. They have no clue where he is."