Disclaimer: You know the rules if your not old enough to read this type of material then don't.
This will be a love story as is all of my other stories. It will contain interracial themes between a white young man and a black young man during their first year of college together. It will be a story with some sexual scenes, but this WON'T be an erotic tale. It will be sweet, romantic and sometimes angst ridden. Point of views will change and you will take note of that at the beginning of each chapter You can find the links to all my stories under prolific author Maddy A. But in case your lazy they all can be found simultaneously in the high-school and interracial sections and they are as followed: "Around My Way", The Handsome Jewish Young Man", "Chase After Me" and "I Hate Anthony".
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"THE FIRST YEAR IS THE HARDEST"
By Maddy A.
CHAPTER ONE: MISTAKES
CRAIG :
Why did I tell HER? That was the question I kept asking myself everyday for the last two years. Before and even after she was my first and only girlfriend, she had been my best friend. For ten years Laura and I did everything together. We told each other secrets, cried on each other's shoulders and whatever else best friends did; we did it. I loved her and she loved me and there was nothing in this world that I didn't feel comfortable talking to her about.....almost. She was my best friend and your suppose to be able to trust them with anything. Funny how our perception of reality can be clouded under the guise of presumed friendship.
It was the summer we were suppose to start high school. We were both just shy of turning fourteen. Her birthday is in September and mine was just a few days away. Laura and I had always been the youngest in our class; just one of the many things that we had in common. We both stood at exactly five feet eleven and were slender. We were both equal mixtures of Irish and Italian and had chocolate brown hair to match our chocolate brown eyes. Her thick, long and curly hair fell down her back, touching just above her waist and I kept my dark curly hair cut short. It had a tendency to get a little "curl crazy " and was always brushing into my eyes. Although I was on the thin side I was hardly what you would call scrawny. I wasn't very athletic so I didn't have much muscle mass at the time, but I did all right for myself. Laura though was skin and bones. She could wear a knit sweater and you could still make out her ribs. The girl could eat like a horse, but never would gain a pound. But, she was attractive in a Kate Moss sort of way. She was an only child, where as I was stuck being in the middle of an older brother and younger sister. Jeremy is three years older than me and we used to be close until Laura opened her big mouth. Now he hates me. Cathy was too young to understand what was going on at the time, she's younger than me by nine years so her love for me has never changed. My parents however treated me with just as much love and warmth as Jeremy. My father lives by what I call "three rules of stupidity. Not only is he an intolerable racist, but also he was a sexist and homophobic. He wasn't very religious, but that didn't stop him from using random quotes from the bible to make his point of views seem right; which may I add I think he would make the quotes all up. My mother probably could have been a warm and loving woman if she didn't follow behind my dad and his views. She was an Italian woman, but the exact opposite of what you would expect one to be. She wasn't commanding or strong willed. No, she was as subservient as they came. If my father would say jump, she would ask `would you like me to vacuum first". That was just how she was and he would have it no other way.
I dealt with life the best way that I could. I was out going, never shy. I could walk up to a complete stranger and start up a conversation and Laura was the same way. I wouldn't call myself popular, but slightly above average.
I got along with everyone. I could float from the preppie's to the Gothic' s and not bat an eye. That's just how I was, but I'm getting off topic.
I remember the day that ended my friendship with Laura. We met in the first grade and had been inseparable since. We were three weeks away from starting our freshman year of high school. She was nervous about it, but I couldn't wait to get there. I had watched one too many campy teen movies and thought high school would be one big party. How wrong I had been. It was lazy August afternoon and we were in the middle of a heat wave. My overly cautious mother wouldn't let me leave the front porch for fear that I would die of a heat stroke. How funny that sounds saying even today. How many 13 and three quarter's year old kids do you hear of dying from a heat stroke, but again I digress.
Laura came over to keep me company. It was just she and her father and sometimes they wouldn't get along so she often would find solace at my house. Mr. McNamara was a nice man, but a little overprotective of her. Not only was she his only child, but it had to have been hard for him raising a girl. Her parents were divorced and her mother was now leaving in Missouri. Laura wasn 't allowed to wear make-up or where high heels unless it was a special occasion. She thought it was the most unfair thing in the world, but if it had been me and my teenage daughter tried to walk out of the house looking like a bad clone of a pop star, I would have treated her the same way. The only differences that we shared were the fact that I enjoyed being young where as Laura couldn't wait to get older. She was in a rush to become a grown-up so she could do grown-up things. I, on the other hand, could wait. I've always have had this fear of growing up and getting out into the real world. It scared
me to think that one day I would have to do taxes and pay a car note. That sort of thing never appealed to me, but Laura loved the thought of being independent.
Laura and I were swinging back and forth on the porch steps as I drunk the bitter lemonade that she had brought over. The sun was setting just above the horizon so the sky was still lit up as if it was mid-afternoon, but it was dimming to a bright orange. The smell of summertime filled my nostrils. Summertime smells are kind of mixtures of grass, flowers and fun. It's this addictive aroma that never leaves you. You could me smack dab in the middle of winter and out of no where the smell could hit you. You'd close your eyes and reminisce of summer days before the smell faded away. In the distant we could hear the chatter of the cicadas as they rattled the trees. I grew up in a small Virginia town; just south west of Richmond, so my town still held the charming personality that only country living can give you. There were maybe ten thousand people that lived there so we weren't completely cut-off from society, but to outsiders looking in they would have thought of us country bumpkins, which we weren't. My town is sandwiched between two cities so if we were looking for fun, it was only a twenty minute car ride away. The gentle swaying of the porch swing was making me fall asleep. I moved over and laid my head in her lap. For all the years that we had been friends, I always thought of us as family and we were always affectionate with each other. She ran her fingers though my hair and her soothing motions brought me to sleep. I couldn't have been out for more than three or four minutes before I felt a gentle pressure on my lips. At first I thought I was dreaming, but then when I felt the rough wetness of a tongue my eyes flew open. I remember pulling away from her and she looked away like she wanted to cry. I didn't know what to do or say to her so I just went into my house. We didn't speak to each other for the rest of that week. I was so confused by everything. For so many years I looked at her like my sister and with one kiss things had changed. It wasn't that I didn't find her attractive because I did, but the problem was I also found Charles Regis and Danny James attractive. I didn't know at the time what to call myself, but its safe to say that I was a pretty confused person. Laura was the one and only person in this world who understood me, but I didn't even tell her about my feelings...I wished I would have kept it that way.
I couldn't take not having her around so I mustered up all my courage and went to her house. She opened her door and at first she looked happy to see me, but that was replaced with anger. Before I could say anything she started yelling how lousy she thought I was and slammed the door in my face. I must have stood at her door for five minutes in shock of what had just happened. I was about to walk home when she re-opened the door and yelled for me to come in. The angry look on her face was replaced with hurt. She confessed that she had fallen in love with me the day she met me. I thought she was being a little over-dramatic, but I kept that thought to myself. She asked me if I felt the same and it hurt me to tell her I didn't. She asked me to kiss her; only this time for real and then if I didn't like it she would leave it alone. I was grossed out at the thought of kissing her again, but if it would bring me my best friend back, then I would. I closed my eyes and prepared myself for what I was sure was going to the most disgusting experience of my life. Her lips touched mine, softly at first and to my surprise it was kind of nice. Her lips were thin and soft with the faint trace of cherry lip-gloss.
I applied more pressure and she put her tongue in my mouth and I didn't stop her. Strangely, it was kind of nice. So that's how it started, the end of our friendship and the beginning of the end.
Laura and I dated for the next two years straight with our intimacy never going beyond kissing or heavy petting, but it wasnt like she didnt try. I thought it was suppose to be the guy pressuring the girl for sex, but with her it was vice-versa. I was horny and ready to pop, dont get me wrong, but I just didnt want to have sex with HER. I honestly loved her, but I wasn't in love. I was attracted to her, but I was attracted to other boys too. I guess I was confused.......until I met Joel.
It was the last month of school and he had transferred in from Long Island, New York. He was a little taller than me and stocky in a thick sort of way. >From the moment I met him I was attracted to him. His long black hair fell down to his shoulders and he kept it parted down the middle, framing his dark gray eyes. He blew into my small town like a gust of gay wind. I say gay wind because he made no attempt to hide that fact about him. He never came out and said he was gay, but he was effeminate....VERY effeminate. He walked with a switch of the hips, when he talked to you he used his hands to express himself and he even spoke with the stereotypical lisp. I was usually only attracted to guys who acted like me; a normal guy, but it was just something about Joel that made me want to know him. There were only three weeks of school left and I had to make my move fast. As fucked up as it's going to sound, I wanted to be his friend, but I didn't want anyone to know it. He was VERY gay and I didn't want to be considered guilty by association so you can see where the problem with that laid. He was in my algerba2 class and since we had already taken finals, our teacher just let us talk all period long. I was pretty popular, but more on the average side and I had a lot of friends who would talk to me, but I would find myself looking over at Joel and wishing that I was talking to him. Sometimes he would catch me staring and would blush as he looked away. He had a few friends, but they were all girls. The school year ended and I never got the nerve to talk to him.
The last day of class I found myself watching Laura and how she acted with some of her other friends, one in particular Vincent. Everyone knew that he liked her and I thought the she liked him too. Where I should have felt jealousy, I didn't. I knew that he could give her what I couldn't. I made the decision to break up with her. I was expecting some sort of fight. I guess it was my own arrogance that assumed she would break down and cry, begging me to take her back and offering to do anything to make it work with us. To my surprise she said, "Yeah, that's a good idea. But, lets stay friends...best friends."
A week had past and sure enough she started dating Vincent. He was a nice addition to our little group of friends, but there was something about him that I didn't trust. Maybe it was his long, stringy blonde hair or the glint in his blue eyes. Maybe it was his personality. He was your everyday football jock and he had the arrogance to go with it. I kept my thoughts to myself though since for the most part he seemed okay. Our group was made up of six other guys and two girls. It was Mike, Jim, Brian, Heather, Yolanda, Frank, Kyle and David. All of us had been friends through out middle school and had remained close. Yolanda and David were the only black kids in our school, but that kind of thing didn't matter to us. My father on the other hand wouldn't let them in our house. He despised any minority he thought posed as a threat. It was his own ignorance that luckily I didn't have. We all thought of ourselves as a pretty liberal group of friends and we loved and embraced everyone. Or so I thought.
It was the fourth of July and Laura was throwing a barbeque. Every kid from my high school it seemed had shown up. Laura was thrilled by the turn out so she pretty much ignored me while tending to the other guests. I was kind of used to not being her top priority anymore. It was a little hard at first because I had gone from being the one person that she turned to with her problems to the `whenever friend". Whenever she was bored, she would call me. I assumed that now that we weren't dating we could just magically fall back into the familiar routine of being best friends like we had been before the whole "boyfriend & girlfriend" drama got a hold of us. Sadly, that was not in the cards. Sure, she probably still considered us to be friends and so did I, but it was just things weren't like they use to be.
I wasn't really in the mood that day to party. My father was getting on me about trying out for the baseball team and proceeded to spend the day telling me how proud he was of my brother Jeremy and his sports accomplishments. Jeremy pretty much excelled in whatever he did. Whether it was soccer, football, basketball or baseball, he was a pro. He towered over me at six foot four, but we looked exactly alike. I was just an inferior version of him or at least that's how it sometimes would feel. Let me tell you something, when you hear day in and day out how much of a disappointment you are, you have a tendency to believe it and I did...until I turned twelve and realized that my father was just full of a bunch of shit. But, that day he just got to me.
At the time I would consider Jeremy and I close. He never got annoyed when I would bug him to take me fishing or camping with his friends; he even took me a few times. He would make my dad ease up whenever he saw that my feeling was getting hurt. Jeremy was not only my brother, but my friend. That is until the day of that barbeque.
I found myself sitting inside of Laura's sunroom. The party was going full swing outside, but I needed the time alone. I sat down on her couch and closed me eyes, consumed by my confusing thoughts. I was almost sixteen, but my problems made me feel so much older. I was beginning to come to terms with the fact that maybe I was bi'. I was leaning more over towards gay', but at the time I was still trying to figure things out. I closed my eyes and was lost until I felt someone sit next to me. My eyes snapped open and I saw Joel sitting next to me smiling.
"What?" I asked in a tone that came out a little harsher than I meant. I noticed that he had lost a few pounds and his jaw looked more angular since the last time I saw him. His hair had grown another three or four inches and hung bone straight past his shoulders. He smiled and his round gray eyes twinkled. He looked very stylish with the heavy gold link chain around his neck, glistening behind his black t-shirt and baggy black cotton shorts. I noticed that his legs were smooth and hair free and I had to suppress the urge to laugh at the thought of his burly body hunched over the tub, shaving his legs. But, I'll admit it; I was attracted to every part of him.
"Nothing, just thought I'd keep you company. Your Craig right?" He asked and made no attempt to hide his lisp. He crossed his legs femininely and scooted closer to me. I made no move to move over and he took that as a sign to move even closer. I was nervous. Sitting so close to him made butterflies flutter in my stomach, but I didn't want to move away. The mixture of anticipation and excitement I was feeling with the thought of the possibilities took over. I shifted my body so I was closer to him.
"Yeah, and your Joel." I said smiling and his got brighter.
"So, how's your summer been honey?" I was a little put off by the softness of his voice, but there was still something about him that intrigued me.
"It's been good. I've been working for Mr. Millard's grocery store, but other than that it's been pretty boring. So how`s yours been." My fingers were tapping nervously on my denim shorts. I saw Joel's eyes blatantly travel up my legs with no shame and I felt a surge of excitement so strong that I became light headed. All the years of touching and kissing Laura couldn't come close the excitement that I felt with just a look by Joel.
"Shitty. We're moving back to Long Island in a few weeks. We just got back from buying the new house and found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me....and with a girl no less!" He stated as he throw his head back gently and laughed tossing his hair over his shoulder. I didn't know how to react to that. He had just come out to me. The years of "playing it straight" kicked in and I clamed up. He looked at me cautiously and grew serious. I could
see the panic on his face. "God! Dude I'm sorry....I just thought..." He trailed off and we sat in silence for a minute that felt like an hour. He got up to leave, but I stopped him.
"WAIT! I mean.....what did you think?" I knew what he thought, but I wanted to hear him say it. Joel sat back down and looked away as he spoke.
"I thought that you were..you know....Gay" He whispered as he looked around. The sounds of the party going on outside was loud so I couldn't really hear what he said.
"What, I can't hear you?" I asked and he spoke so loudly that I'm sure the whole county heard.
"GAY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GAY!" He yelled and before I could answer I heard the dropping of a glass and the sound of liquid splashing all over the wooden floors. I turned to look and my fearful eyes met the shocked eyes of Laura. I was like a deer caught in headlights. Joel mumbled an apology and made a quick exit out the front door. I never saw him again after that. He had moved back to New York a few weeks later. I wanted to say something, anything to make things better, but looking into her horrified face I knew that she had already made up her mind.
"Laura, can we go upstairs?" I asked and She didn't answer me, but she started up the stairs to her bedroom and I followed. I locked the door behind me as she stood looking out of her window. The sun was peaking through her curtains, illuminating her in its brightness. She appeared almost angelic as she fingered the friendship bracelet that I had given her five years prior. She never took it off. But, when I walked over to face her she turned and the look on her face was nothing short of disgusted
"Craig? Fag? You?" She hissed. I couldn`t meet her gaze and I knew that there was no denying it. I took her hand in mine.
"Laura...I....I...I'm sorry..." I stuttered. She snatched her hand away from mine and looked at me in disbelieve.
"Craig...NO your not!" She yelled so loud that the inside of my ear's tickled.
"I'm sorry....I think I am." I looked down at my sneakers. I felt so much shame for something that I couldn't control.
"BUT WHAT ABOUT US? DID I MAKE YOU.....A...FAG?" She screamed as she sat down on her bed and buried her head in her hands. I walked over to her and sat beside her as I tried to find the right words.
"Listen Laura...this isn't your fault. To be honest I don't even know for sure just what I am. But, I do know that I love you. I loved you when you were my best friend, I loved you when you were my girlfriend and I still love you now!" I stated and she started to cry as she threw her arms around my neck and cried.
"God! I'm so stupid! I should have known! You never wanted to do anything besides kiss, you would freak if I tried to grab your dick....I'm so stupid!! And to think....I wanted to marry you." She sobbed as I rocked her in shock. I never knew her feelings for me where so strong and I felt guilty for leading her on. I never thought of myself as using her to cover up the fact that I was gay, but maybe subconsciously I did.
"I'm so sorry. I love you and I hope you still love me." I felt her harden in my arms as her body stiffened and she pulled away from me. She said nothing as she went towards her door. She opened it and without looking back said six words that broke my heart.
"I think you should leave. Now!" She whispered and closed the door behind her as I sat in reflection on her bed, replaying the events of the last fifteen minutes. With a stupid question by someone who I didn't know from a can of paint, my life was over. My best friend now hated me and wanted nothing more to do with me. I sat up in her room for close to an hour in hopes of her coming back so we could make up, but that didn't happen. I made my way down the stairs and noticed that the music had stopped. I went into the backyard to see what happened and was greeted with the cold and disgusted faces of thirty of my peers. They knew! They Knew! I can't describe how small I felt. I scanned the crowd for Laura. She stood next to Mike and Vincent with a smug look on her face. She walked over to me and that sweet and funny little girl that I once knew had transformed to a sickening form of her former self.
"I thought I told you to leave. Faggots aren't allowed here!" She hissed out viciously and I could feel the heat travel up my face and my stomach knotted with the realization that at nearly sixteen years old, my life was over. I looked over to my group of friends for help, but all I saw were the same looks of revulsion on their faces that Laura had. I ran. I ran out of her backyard and down the road towards my house. I walked into my door and the first thing I saw was Jeremy's reddening face as he was talking into his cell. I wanted to go up to him and cry out my sorrows, but the look on his face told me not to do that. He had always been so supportive and so loving. We were as close as two brothers could be, but in an instance that changed. I made an attempt to go down the hall and into my bedroom, but he slammed his phone shut and came in my face.
"You know who that was. That was Brenda and she told me that she was sorry to hear that I had a fag in the family! Are you a mother fucking faggot?" He yelled and if things couldn't have gotten any worse my parents came down stairs to see what was wrong.
"What the hell is going on?" My father asked gruffly as my mother stood her guard behind him like he had trained her to do for the last twenty-two years.
"Craig's a fucking faggot! Laura caught him sucking some dudes dick in her bathroom!" Jeremy continued, as I stood there stunned. That bitch had lied, and everyone believed it!
"Craig, are you a fucking queer?" He asked me calmly with a hint of malice. I was no fool and I knew the best way was to deny it.
"No! She's lying! I swear to God I'm not!" I stated and my father looked at me sideways before patting me on the back.
"Good! Because if you were a faggot I'd have to kill you." He said and began to laugh as he went back into the living room with my mother trailing silently behind him. She said nothing, but looked at me questioningly. Jeremy continued to look at me harshly.
"I don't believe you! God! I hope my friends don't find out just what a fag my bro is! Blowing some dude? That`s just disgusting!" He hissed and left me alone, standing in the hallway. That was the last time he ever looked me in my eyes again.
All that night and the next day I cried. Everyone knew that I was gay and there was no arguing it. Once gossip gets around everyone just assumes that it 's the truth. I went to work and my boss Mr. Millard looked at me sympathetically, but didn't say anything. I knew that he knew. He was an older man in his late fifties, but he didn't look a day over forty. His hair was still jet black with hints of silver at the edges. He may have had a slight beer gut, but he still looked fit. I was a cashier at his grocery store and for the first hour I was there, I was greeted with either hateful stares, fearful looks are gazes of sympathy, which I hated the most. There had been a few people who wouldn't come into my line and I'm not going to lie that hurt. It was close to closing time and Vincent, Laura's new boyfriend, came in by himself. He looked at me and smiled. After a few minutes he wound up at my register. The store was empty with the exception of Mr. Millard who was in the storage room doing inventory. Vincent placed down a jar of Vaseline, condoms, breath mints and mouthwash. I rung him up silently, not looking in his eyes. I could feel the smirk on his face. I tried to take the money out of his hand, but he grabbed mine. I looked up at him annoyed.
"What do you want Vincent!" I asked and he continued to smile.
"So, you're a faggot right?" He whispered which was unnecessary since the store was empty.
"FUCK OFF!" I yelled and he pulled my hand tighter.
"Your choice."
"What?"
"Pick one." He stated as he pointed to the items he had just purchased. I became consumed with anger with the realization at what he was trying to get at.
"If you don't get the fuck out of my face...." I started, but he cut me off with his laughter.
"You're not going to do anything. As I see it everybody already knows your playing for the other team, I'm just trying to give you what you want. That way we both get something out of it." He stated as he crudely grabbed his crotch and I rolled my eyes.
"You don't know what you're talking about! None of that bullshit is true."
I argued and he continued to snicker.
"Look, lets be real here. We all know it's true. Why would Laura make something like that up? Everybody knows she was your best friend so why would she lie?" I realized that nothing I could say would change his mind or anybody else's. Even though Laura had made up the part of catching me blowing Joel, she did know that I was gay and everybody believed her. I never felt so alone. I was about to make my rebuttal when Mr. Millard came out of no where and called me to the storage room Vincent was startled by his voice and grabbed his bag and left. Mr. Millard had witnessed the little seen with Vincent and told me that he had heard what was going on. Before I could explain he put up his hands to silence me.
"Craig, you are a nice young man and I don't care if its true or not. You don't have to tell me. I just want you to know if there is anything I can do to help, just let me know." He stated as he continued to scan cans of tomato sauce. I looked into his emerald green eyes and just felt like I could trust him. I picked up a can of sauce and passed it to him.
"Why do you want to help me?" I asked and he looked thoughtfully at me before he answered.
"That's a story that I'm not ready to tell. Let's just say that a long time ago there was someone in your predicament that I could have helped and didn't. Those were different times and I was just a boy, but I can't help to think that I could have helped then maybe things could have been different..." He trailed off and I never brought it up again even thought I always wondered what he meant.
The entire summer I spent alone. I tried to call Laura once, but she called me a faggot and hung up on me. Any love that I felt for her slowly fading away as the lonely summer months past. I know my father had his suspicions about me, but he knew that he had scared me straight...literally. Jeremy ignored me when he wasn't letting me know just how disgusting he thought I was. Cathy would always ask me why I looked so sad, but I would just hug her and tell her everything was fine. She was only six and couldn't understand. As sad as it is to say she was the only friend I had left.
The day I turned sixteen had been the loneliest day of my life, but I was getting use to the solitude. Every year for the last nine years Laura and I would spend our birthday's pigging out on ice cream and swimming in the creek up the road from her house, but that year I spent it crying in my room. I never thought of myself as the crying type, but that summer that was all I would do. I would think about how none of my friends would talk to me and I would cry, I would think about how my brother hated me and I would cry, I would think about having to go back to school and I would cry. The only thing that I could do to ease some of the heaviness in my heart was to cry and it felt good to do it. I never knew that crying could be so therapeutic, but it is. I had no one to talk about how I was feeling so the only thing I could do to work out my problems was to cry. Every tear that I shed helped to wash away some of the hurt, but even that wasn't enough.
I stood there staring at the entrance of my high school. It was the start of my junior year and I should have been excited that after that year, there was only left before graduation, but I wasn't. I dreaded walking inside there. I watched all of the kids running up to each other smiling at reuniting with old friends. I saw Yolanda walking with Mike, but they pretended like they didn't see me. Being shunned by the two of them stung like nothing else. Mike's Polish and Yolanda is Black. In my town there are a few ass holes, like my father, who aren't open minded. I got into more than one or two arguments defending the two of them from some prick who thought it would be fun to call them names.. The fact that they couldn't extend the same curiously to me hurt me almost as much as Laura's betrayal did.....almost. Maybe they didn' t recognize me. I had wasted away to a mere one hundred and thirty pounds. I normally weighed around one sixty, but the stress of everything had affected my body and my spirit.
I could feel the eyes of everyone on me as I walked down the hall and to say that I was feeling self-conscious would be putting it mildly. I made my way to homeroom and sat down in the back-row hoping to remain unnoticed. Vincent walked in and made it a point to notify anyone who didn't already know about my situation.
"Listen up class. I thought I should warn you that one Mr. Craig Kelps is a faggot so please, please gentlemen don't drop the soap in the showers." He stated and everyone laughed as I shrunk in my seat. No one talked to me through out the day. I heard whispers and jokes, but no one spoke directly to me. I know my town is kind of small, but it was the new millennium. I thought we had all moved past our pointless fears and hypocritical judgments, but sadly I was wrong. Some things never changed and I shouldn't have expected it to. I had no intentions of going to the cafeteria where I knew I would have to see all of my friends going on and enjoying their lives as I sat back and tried to pick up the ruined pieces of mine. I went into the library and sat alone until the bell rung. I made my way to gym class only to have no one want to change near me. The ultimate humiliation is when the coach joked that I could go over to the tennis court with the rest of the girls. Everyone laughed as I stood there waiting to get picked for basketball. It shouldn't come as a surprise that I wasn't. I stood around staring at my feet as everyone began to play.
I ran into Laura after school and she looked at me sorrowfully. I knew that she felt bad, but I no longer wanted anything to do with her. I kept walking, right past her as she attempted to call out to me. I turned around to look at her and she mumbled and apology and I lost it. I walked up so our faces were close to each other's.
"Sorry...you're sorry? I just want you to know that you have succeeded in making my life hell! My brother hates me, my friends all hate me and you know something...I hate them to....all of them....even you! Get the hell out of my face and don't you ever speak to me again!" With that I walked off leaving her alone with tears in her eyes. I didn't feel bad about being so harsh on her.
That's what she deserved.
I'd love to tell you that things got better with time, but that would be a lie. I would continue to be harassed, mocked, ignored and outcasted for the next two years of my life. I kept to myself and no one tried to talk to me with the exception of a few girls who wanted me to be their "fag mascot". Once I would tell them that I wasn`t gay they would lose interest. Every now and then someone would get brave enough and ask me if it was true. I would always lie and deny it, but nothing would make a difference. People had already formed their opinions. Laura gave me a letter the day of our high school graduation. I didn't want to go, but my father made me. That bastard was aware of how fucked up my life had been over the last two years, but he didn't care. As long as I became the straight son that he wanted that was all that mattered. Jeremy didn't come which wasn't a surprise. Laura came up to me looking beautiful in her white cap and gown. She had cut her hair short and it framed her petite face nicely. She had still been dating Vincent. They had been on and off for the last two years and they were back on. He was impatiently calling her over as she walked over to me. I was proud because I had heard that she had gotten into the an Ivy league University that she wanted to go to, but I would be damned if I told her that. I myself was own my way to the lovely state of New Jersey to attend Montclair State University. I made sure that the school I choose was no where close to home. As she handed me the letter she told me that she understood I could never forgive her, but she wanted me to read it anyway. With that, I was gone. I had no time for another one of her lame attempts at an apology. I read her note and would have cried if I wasn't for the fact I was in my father's car. Once in the safety of my bedroom I re-read the letter and let my emotions shed.
Dear Craig,
I know you hate me right now and I deserve it. For the last two years I have regretted what I did to you. I know you have heard me say this a thousand times, but I was and still am, sorry about what I put you through. That day when you told me you were gay my heart broke. I was confused
and angry that the one boy who I was in love with and dreamed of marrying didn't feel the same way. I know there are no excuses for what I did to you, but please know that I am deeply sorry that I hurt you. I am disgusted by my actions. I told everyone out of spite. My reprehensible actions are ones that not only do I have to live with what I did to you, but I have to watch how it affected you. Knowing day in and day out that I and I alone are responsible
for making your life living hell is something that eats away at my soul. I tried
to take it back, I really did, but it was too late. The damage had been done
and couldn't be fixed.
I'm sorry for all you have gone through and I know that there is no chance of us ever going back to how things were and for that I will always be regretful. You understood me like no one else did and I know you thought the same of me. God! I'm crying once again so I better keep this
short. Just know that I love you and I hope that one day you can forgive me.
I heard that you got into college in New Jersey, hope you find a nice Jersey boy who makes you happy : ) Okay, I will stop here. I'm sorry for all that
I've lost, but even more sorry for what I made you lose. I hope one day you
can forgive me, but I know I don't deserve it.
I will always love you, ~ Laura
I put the note inside of my yearbook and put that on my bookshelf. I loved Laura and even though she had made my life hell a part of me still loved her. She had outted me to everyone. Do you know how it feels to walk into a room and know that everyone in there knows your deepest, darkest secret. Being gay only caused me heartache and I was tired of hurting. College would be a new experience for me. A chance to redeem myself. No one would ever get the
chance to hurt me again. Being gay was no longer an option. It was time to put my old life behind me and look forward to the new one I would be starting.......
TO BE CONTINUED
(C) Madison Aysha Dante 2005
Wanna know what happens next? You would have known months ago if you were in my yahoo group. Join :
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MaddyA_Stories (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MaddyA_Stories)