------------------------------------ About this story:
This is my first try at putting a story up on this nifty web site. Please Email me at Romangenesis@hotmail.com with your reaction to this story and any questions or comments you have. Special thanks to all of you who have written. It makes my writing seem worthwhile. So now, without further ado...
The Dreamer - Chapter 8
I was sorry I had gone through with it the moment it was over. I began to feel sick to my stomach and I continued to back away. He turned around and looked at me with his blank, serene look. The poor guy didn't even have the chance to get off and I guess I should have felt bad for him and gone back. I wasn't about to though. I was ashamed of myself and angry at Steve. I felt weak for giving in to my desires. I felt like shit and trash. I felt used.
Steve began to float after me slowly. He probably didn't realize it was over. My mind was racing with a thousand thoughts a minute. I had to get out of here. I had to get away. Right before he got to me I swam away over to the edge of the pool and hoisted myself out.
"Where are you going?" he asked me. I grabbed the towel I had brought and ran it over my chest. I didn't want to even look at him.
"I have to go," was all I said. I continued to dry myself off and I heard Steve getting out of the water as well. He came up right next to me, but I still didn't have the nerve to look at him. He probably thought I was the biggest tease. Or the biggest idiot.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. There seemed to be true concern in his voice.
I finally turned to him and looked him in the face and all of the confusing emotions inside of me boiled over. My eyes started tearing up and I managed to say, "Steve... I can't." He turned away from me and started to put his shorts on. He wasn't saying anything.
I turned back around, my head hanging in defeat. There was no way I was going to cry in front of Steve so I put my hand up to my face and pressed my fingers against my eyelids as hard as I could. I slowly put my clothes back on, but everything was hazy. I found that I couldn't concentrate on anything. "You want me to drive you home?" he asked.
He was being more understanding that I though he would be, but it only made me feel worse. "No, I'll walk."
He stepped right up to me, but didn't attempt to touch me. "You have my number. Give me a call tomorrow."
I couldn't answer so I simply nodded my head. I had no intention of calling him. I never wanted to see him again. He represented my weakness, something that I had never been able to deal with.
And with that, he walked over to the fence and jumped over. For a long time I stood by the water's edge and looked at the water. The ripples were slowly dying and it left the surface as smooth as glass. Everything was calm in the outside world, but inside, everything was noise and confusion. I had broken my own heart and left it unlatched.
I don't know how long I stood there, but somehow I made it back home and walked straight to the bath room. Without even taking my clothes off I stepped into the shower and turned it on. Like a rape victim, I took the bar of soap off the ledge and began scrubbing my hands as hard as I could. I wanted to wash the sin away, but I couldn't.
I began to sob quietly about my own worthlessness. I felt like trash. How could I ever respect myself ever again? I wanted the whole world to hit bottom and suddenly, I couldn't control myself anymore. I began to cry, tears blurring my vision, allowing the world to slip away from me.
Later that night I found the strength to get out of the shower and go to my room. I laid down and almost instantly fell asleep from exhaustion. It was over. My life was over.
My dad woke me up the next morning for work and I tried to remember if the incident with Steve had really happened or if it had been a dream. After I was awake, it was all to clear that it had in fact happened.
I don't think I've ever appreciated the complete brainlessness of my job as I did that day. If it had been a job where thinking was involved, I don't think I would have been able to concentrate. This job however, gave me plenty of time for my thoughts and let me sort out my feelings as best I could. I was still pissed at myself, but it didn't feel like my life was over or anything like it had last night.
As I pushed carts out into the sun and whenever I had a chance to let my mind wander, I began to relive last night in my head. My hands on Steve's back, moving around forward. I closed my eyes and forced myself to think about something else.
It was like that all day. I had no idea what I would say when I saw Steve again. I tried not to think about that either, but it wasn't working. I got out of work at nine and told my mom I was going over to the beach. I wanted to relax and I figured the beach always relaxed me, especially at night.
I locked my bike up when I got there and walked out onto the sand. It was dark, but my eyes slowly became adjusted. I sat down by the surf and just sat, listening to the waves rolling in. There was no place on earth like at the beach at night, I thought. If there was a heaven, it wouldn't be to different than this.
Time never mattered here. It could have been ten, midnight, or three in the morning. I really didn't care. I did have school in the morning, but figured I just wouldn't go. My parents would probably let me stay home.
I became aware of a slight humming noise later in the night. I didn't think much of it and continued to stare at the water. The humming noise began to sound like it was holding a tune though. Some sort of classical music tune. Beethoven perhaps...
I got up and walked closer to the water's edge and looked up and down the surf when I saw a tiny figure off in the distance staring off into the horizon, much like I had been earlier. Curiosity more than anything drew me toward the person. As I got closer I thought the person looked like Steve, but then realized it was Justin. I couldn't believe he was out here this late at night.
"Justin, is that you?" I said, coming up to him. He turned and looked at me and a big smile crossed his childish, beautiful face.
"Alex, I thought I'd find you out here." Once again, his voice like music to my ears.
"You... you were waiting for me?" I stammered. He walked up to me and looked me deep in the eyes.
"I know what you're going through," he said. Something about him was dreamlike, but I knew this wasn't a dream. He was as real as I was. Deep down I knew he understood. He seemed to empathize with me more than any other person in this world had.
"Justin..." I started to say. I wanted to tell him everything. I just knew he would make it all better, but I couldn't find the words to let him know just how I felt - just how much I needed him right now. The buried emotions were coming to the surface and I was losing my control. My eyes began to water and I sobbed softly.
"Don't worry Alex." He took another step toward me. He let me wallow in my own self-pity for a moment before going on. "You have to let go of your hate." He placed the palm of his hand on my chest, sending electricity tingling through me. "You have to let it go before it freezes your heart and kills you."
I lifted my hands up and put them on his arms gently. He looked at me, only inches away and I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he lifted his head up to the heavens. "Do you know what stars are, Alex?"
"No," I whispered, following his gaze up to the sky.
"They're reflections of us. We all have a star, even if we can't see it." The sky looked so lovely tonight, not a cloud in the sky. The stars seemed to be glowing twice as bright as usual. I looked back down to him and found him looking at me, his kind face a complete vision of acceptance.
"Can we see mine?" I asked.
His features softened and he replied, "No, Alex. You won't allow anyone to see your star. Only through love can we shine as brightly as the stars in heaven." He reached a hand up and whipped away one of my tears. "Good luck," he whispered, his voice almost inaudible.
And just like that it was over. He stepped away and walked off into the darkness. "Justin, wait," I called into the night, but my voice drifted away and was replaced only with silence. He was gone, and I was all alone once again, in an isolated and lonely world.
The next morning I purposely missed the bus and had my dad drive me to school. I didn't want to see Steve, but I had to go to school. I had to confront Justin again. He was the only reason I had to live in this world. He was the only one that could bring me happiness and resurrect from this hell I had created for myself.
I had no idea what I would say to him, I just had to see him. I was sure that if I could see him again, the words would somehow find their way out of my mouth. In all my classes, I daydreamed about seeing him at that beach. The way he touched my chest and ran his thumb across my face to catch a tear. Somewhere deep inside of me the words were trying to surface. They would only come out if Justin was near though.
I ran to English and waited for him to come. I was so nervous, but also very excited. The bell rang and everyone slowly filtered in. I held my breath as the last of them came in, but then let it out in disappointment when I saw he wasn't here. My heart broke once again and for the rest of the day, I just sat there feeling sorry for myself. You're probably wondering how someone can spend so much time feeling sorry for themselves. Well, it's not that hard when you realize that everything you do will end up as someone else's garbage and every relationship you will ever have will end in rejection or death.
In my last class of the day I decided I would make one more attempt to find Justin. After the bell had rung I rushed to his last period class and saw him coming out alone. I felt like my heart was going to explode with joy when I saw him. I rushed up to him and grabbed him by the arm.
"Justin, I've been looking everywhere for you," I said, my voice overflowing with excitement. He pulled his arm away and looked at me like I was a crazy person. His face no longer carried the loving, accepting quality that it had always carried in the past. What was going on?
"What do you want?" he insisted. He looked at me like I was a crazy person.
Everyone in the vicinity had stopped talking and they were looking at us. I began to feel very uncomfortable. I could hear my heart pounding. "I thought about what you said to me at the beach," I said quietly so no one else would hear.
"The beach?" he asked. He looked visibly disgusted. What the hell was going on? Did he really not remember. The thought crossed my mind that my encounter with him might have been a dream, but dismissed it. There was no way it was a dream. It had been more real than anything else in this world.
I began to tremble and took a step toward him. Didn't he understand that I needed him? He took a step back. "What's going on? Are you gay or something?"
The words burned my ears. How could he say that after everything that had happened between us. My eyes watered up. Why was he doing this to me? "Justin," I pleaded. I had nowhere else to turn to. Justin was my last hope. The words that had been buried deep inside me, the words that I had never spoke before came to the surface all at once. "I love you," I said, a single tear running down the length of my face.
His eyes widened in fear and he took another step back. When he finally found the words he muttered in slow motion, "Oh my god." My whole body had tensed up and I found that I couldn't move. "Shannon told me she saw you staring at me in class, but I didn't believe her. I can't believe you're a fucking fag."
I looked and saw that Shannon was coming up behind him, watching us. I thought I was going to throw up. Suddenly, I was the sea gull that had been raped and pillaged by the other sea gulls. I was the rabbit with the powerful jaws of the fox around my neck. I couldn't breath.
"What's going on?" Shannon said, coming up to Justin. I was in a complete state of shock. Was this some sort of trick Justin had played on me? No, he honestly had no idea what I was talking about.
"He's a fucking fag," Justin told her, making sure his voice was loud enough for everyone in the hall to hear. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I wanted to die. The tears were running down my face now and I turned and ran blindly through the crowd that had gathered.
End of Chapter 8 ------------------------------------------
Alex teeters on the brink between destruction and redemption. Will his hopes and dreams result in salvation or the death of an evil human race? It's up to him now. Chapter 9 and the conclusion of "The Dreamer" are coming in a few days.