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The Closet of Deception
Prologue
The audacious and daring ad actually appeared on Craig's list under the heading, "Men Seeking Men." It read:
Thirty-seven-year-old married man in New York City area seeks the company of other mature married men for fun and games only. No commitments, just fun. Discretion will be strictly observed. New Yorkers only, please. If interested, send snail mail to John Smith, PO Box 424, New York, NY 10014. Let me know how to contact you.
Of course, many uncloseted gay men read the ad, and most were amused. One even sent John Smith a facetious letter:
I'm appalled that a man, married to a woman, would cheat on her, and with a man no less. Have you no morals? The guy signed it `Happily Married Housewife.'
Another wrote: It is impossible for a man to be married and be gay. What are you thinking? He signed it `Fr. James O'Reilly, St. Mary's Roman Catholic Church.'
John Smith got a good laugh out of it, but fortunately, he received eight legitimate letters. They all pretty much said the same thing, expressing their happiness that they could relieve their longings in a safe and discreet manner. John thought that eight men plus himself would make for too unwieldy a sex club. He always had four men in mind.
He narrowed his search down to three respondents, and he sent a copy of all the `rejected' letters to the others. In the letters, he suggested they start their own group. It took some work and a lot of patience, but he finally established a time and place for his four-man group to meet. They chose the lobby of a popular straight bar in midtown Manhattan on a Friday evening at 5:30 PM, knowing they could get lost in the TGIF crowd. John instructed each member of the group to carry a small Bible, and if they wore a tie to work, to please remove it. He hoped that these instructions would be enough for the kindred souls to recognize each other.
It was enough, and John was overjoyed. The men were all about his age, and they were all about the same height and well-built. The four men huddled in a corner of the lobby, shook hands, and introduced themselves. They agreed to use first names only, at least until they got comfortable with each other.
John spoke first. "My real name is John," he said, "so you can go on calling me that. I'm thirty-seven. I have two sons and I live out on Long Island. Both boys are in high school."
The next to speak said," My name's Matthew, and I'm forty-one. Please call me Matt. I have one kid in college. I live on The Island also."
The third man said, "My name's Mark." As he said that, the last of the group broke out laughing.
The others looked at him, and John asked, "What's so funny?"
"My name's Luke," he said. "Do you realize that the four of us have the names of the four gospels? I find that a very good omen."
"Even though I'm Jewish," Mark said, "I agree. It's a good omen. I'm thirty-two, and we don't have any children. I live right here in Manhattan."
"That's good you have no children," John said. "At least you have an escape hatch."
"How old are you, Luke?" Matt asked.
"Thirty-five," he answered. "I live in Riverdale, and I have twin daughters. They're nine." Luke said. "We're all close in age. I think that this is going to be a great group. I'm getting hard as we speak."
John laughed. "That may be," he said, "but the hardest part will be getting away from our wives and meeting somewhere."
"I think I can provide a meeting place most of the time," Mark said. "My wife is a buyer for Bloomingdales. She's away more than she's home. I keep praying she has an affair on the road and asks me for a divorce so I can leave my marriage without revealing my sexual orientation to her. Since I have no kids, that's another plus as far as a meeting place is concerned. The greater problem is for you guys to get away when we plan a meeting."
"That's why I wanted four men in the group," John said. "If all four of us can make it at the same time that's great, but even if two or three of us show up, it's better than what we have now."
"You bet," Matt said.
Listen," Mark said, "my wife is leaving Sunday afternoon for a buying trip. She's going to San Diego, Los Angeles, and San Francisco. She'll be gone for two weeks. Do you think you guys can make it Monday or Tuesday night?"
"Let's make it Tuesday," Luke said, "so I can tell my wife on Monday night that I have to work late on Tuesday."
"I can do the same," Matt said.
"I'm an advertising account manager," John said. "I'll tell my wife I have to entertain an out of town client. I do that a lot, so she'll believe me."
"Agreed, then," Mark said. "Tuesday, after work, at my house."
Everyone nodded. Mark gave them all his address, and home telephone number. He hesitated for a moment, but for safety sake, he informed everyone that his last name was Fisher.
John bought everyone a drink at the bar, and they went home feeling really good.
Clockwatching
Everyone made the first meeting on Tuesday evening. They were eager and excited and horny, but their euphoria was marred by clockwatching. At least three of them needed to get back into their self-imposed closets of deception. John and Matthew had to make a commuter train to Long Island. Luke could take a subway, so he wasn't as harried as they were, but still, he had to get home to his wife and kiddies.
Mark provided snacks, condoms and lube. Everyone agreed to chip in for expenses in the future. Things were awkward at first, but as they began to undress they started to lose some of their inhibitions. They agreed to separate into twosomes this time and change the configuration next time. They also agreed to do a foursome in the near future. They thought that it would be fun.
Of course, when they were naked, they checked each other out. Mark and Luke were cut, and John and Matthew were uncut. All four were different sizes, but each had plenty to offer. They began to get hard and then there was very little difference.
Mark produced a deck of cards and they cut. The two low cards would be a team, at least for tonight, and the two high cards would also team up. John drew Mark, and Matthew drew Luke. John was particularly pleased that he had drawn Mark. He found Mark to be exceptionally handsome, and he really had the hots for him.
Without any conscious planning, each team had one uncircumcised member and one circumcised. Since time was short, the clock-watchers decided to stick to oral sex this time, and do anal at a later date.
The sex-starved foursome (at least they were starved for male sex) did not last very long. They were delighted to learn that they were all swallowers. After they cleaned up and dressed, Mark made coffee which they had with the snacks. The awkwardness was gone and their conversation was light and easy.
Mark was the first to express his feelings. "That was the most intense orgasm I've had since I got married," he confessed. "I'm so glad I met you guys. Thanks for getting us together, John, and for giving me the pleasure of such a happy ending."
"I wonder," John mused, "if somehow we could all get away together for a weekend; maybe a business trip or something like that."
"That's a great idea," Luke said. "Let's all give lots of thought to how we might arrange it."
Spontaneously they all jumped up and embraced. After a short hesitation, they kissed each other goodbye ..... on the lips. John felt more than a little of Mark's tongue.
John
Each of the four men had a different tale to tell. John was a very handsome macho kid and an even more macho young man. He participated heavily in high school and college sports. The girls were all over him, and he satisfied a lot of them by taking their virginity. He realized early on that a woman's Garden of Venus held no joy for him. He dreamed of cumming off in some guy's mouth or ass and then having that guy unload into him.
He knew from an early age that his dreams were not normal. As he matured, he feared that he might be gay. He couldn't face that possibility and was as prolific heterosexually as he could be. He had no trouble functioning as long as he pretended he had some handsome stud beneath him. Once the girl fully aroused him, he had no trouble completing the task without fantasizing.
In college, away from parental restrictions and old friends, he made a few contacts and enjoyed a very limited gay experience. He loved the sex; it satisfied him, but he knew instinctively that he would never give into it.
He met his wife at his first job after college. She wasn't pretty but she was lots of fun, and they started to date. John could not remember either one of them asking the other to marry. It just happened. Before he knew it, he was a married man, a father, and a miserable human being,
Matthew
Matt, unlike John, grew up a little on the sissy side. He avoided sports and became a very dedicated loner. From his first day in middle school, the bullies made him the object of their disgusting jokes.
Just after a few weeks of his being abased and mentally tortured, Matt's father was transferred to the New York office of his firm. Matt knew that he would be going to a new school, and he was elated. He made a conscious effort to be more masculine and to make friends. Whatever he did, it worked. He still didn't participate in sports, but very few other boys did. Matt had no idea how good looking he was growing up to be. Girls began to notice him and were anxious to be his friend.
Unfortunately, Matt wasn't interested in any of them. He realized that he was only aroused by a muscular male body. His high school buddy, Roger, aroused those feelings in him, but he didn't dare let on.
One day, he and Roger were watching TV in Roger's house. Nobody was home. Roger turned to Matt, and asked, "Do you want to fool around?"
Matt wasn't sure what Roger meant, but he had a clue. "I'd love to fool around," he said.
That day they masturbated each other. They both agreed strongly that it was better than a solo job. Over the next two years, they progressed to oral and anal sex. They both loved it, but Matt vowed never to live a gay life.
They chose different colleges. Unfortunately, that separated them and put an end to their friendship. They lost touch with one another. Matt resumed his macho act. He dated girls and even got laid. He was able to get hard, but he tended to lose his erection so he began to fantasize that he was fucking Roger, and then he could complete the job.
Toward the end of his college career, he stopped at a coffee shop for a snack. His waitress was absolutely gorgeous, and she kept flirting with him. Matt asked her out on a date and she accepted. When he got to her apartment, she informed him that she lived alone, and practically dragged him into the apartment. It would be inaccurate to say that she seduced him; she practically raped him.
He had no time to use the protection he brought with him, and it didn't take long to create Matt, Jr. They had a shotgun wedding, and Matt gave up what little homosexual activity he still participated in. That left him as miserable as John.
Luke
Luke was the last to admit that he was gay. He was tall, dark and handsome. Like John, he was a jock in high school and college. He was pursued by many beautiful co-eds, and he had no trouble satisfying them until his junior year in college.
He was mounted atop a pretty classmate. He realized that although he was fucking her, his mind was wandering to a great movie he had seen the day before. He began to lose his erection and failed to get it back. It was deeply disturbing to the healthy young man.
The next time during a hot sex session, the same thing started to happen. This time without his willing it, an image of his best friend, Bill, popped into his head. He pictured Bill naked, and he envisioned that Bill was waving a massive, cut, erect, cock at him. Suddenly, he was as hard as he had ever gotten. He couldn't control himself and he came way too soon. He spurted generously into his condom. Because his date hadn't been satisfied, she begged him to satisfy her orally. He obliged her, but he found it very distasteful.
He didn't notice it immediately, but one day it occurred to him that to maintain his erection, he had to conjure up a vision of his friend, Bill, in a very naked state. It finally got through to him that he might be gay. He refused to accept that possibility. There was no way he would live a gay lifestyle.
His friend Bill approached him one day. "My girlfriend's cousin is visiting from Rochester," he said. "I need a date for her. How about helping me out?"
Luke could not say no to his best friend. The minute he met Steffi, he fell in love with her; madly, passionately in love. They married after Luke began working at his first job after college. At first, things went well between them, but after a while, Luke began to have trouble maintaining his erection. He and his wife decided that he should see a urologist, but first Luke tried an experiment. Preparing for sex, he invoked the image of his naked buddy, Bill. He achieved success every time, and finally admitted to himself that he might be gay.
He longed to make a male contact and have sex with a man. For years he perused `men seeking men' ads, but he was too chicken to follow through on any of them. One day, he came upon John's ad. It appealed to him, and he decided to send John the snail mail letter he had requested.
Mark
Mark's story was the opposite end of a football field from the other three. He was Jewish, and his family was ultra-orthodox. Not unlike Christian fundamentalists, they took the Bible literally. Mark's childhood was pure hell. No matter what he did, good or bad, his parents told him that he was sinning, and God would punish him. He lived in fear of a vengeful God.
Mark knew his Bible well, and he was familiar with Leviticus. He was aware that homosexuality was a sin to be avoided at all costs, lest he be struck down by God seeking revenge. No matter! He couldn't relate to it because he didn't know what homosexuality was.
The schoolyard of his Yeshiva (parochial school) was as much a classroom for learning about sex as was the schoolyard of the nearby public school. He learned other things, too. He observed some of the effeminate boys being jeered at, and called faggots. Now he knew what it was to be homosexual. In addition to fearing God, he feared that if he indulged in that particular sin, he faced derision from his classmates as well. It wasn't something he worried too much about because he still didn't identify himself as gay.
He learned about masturbation around the time of his Bar Mitzvah. He couldn't believe the joy it brought him. Unfortunately, when he whacked off, he began to fantasize having sex with handsome young boys. He became suspicious of his sexual orientation, and he faced the fact that he might be gay. He shook his head and didn't allow himself to think or believe such an evil thought.
He decided to ignore the old sourpuss, Leviticus. By ignoring Leviticus, he began to question the entire Bible. The document was so full of terrible things, like slavery and polygamy, that little by little he discarded all his old beliefs. When his mother said that God would punish him, he laughed in her face.
His parents decided that he was going to seminary to become a rabbi, and they were even actively looking for a bride for him. When Mark learned about their plans, it was the last straw. The day he graduated Yeshiva, Mark packed a suitcase, and left (escaped) his parents' home.
He had saved a few dollars from odd jobs and he took a room at the Young Men's Christian Association, not the Young Men's Hebrew Association. He felt he would have a better chance of getting laid there.
He got a job in the electronics department of a Super Target. He had always been a whiz at electronic gadgets. After his second paycheck, he rented an efficiency apartment near New York's famed Greenwich Village. He enrolled in City College of NewYork in the night school and majored in finance.
He met his wife while they both attended CCNY. Christine was not Jewish. He would picture marrying her and sticking his middle finger in the faces of his parents. He didn't really love her, but they got along great. Mark chose to ignore his homosexual fantasies, and he and Christine were married by a justice of the peace.
After a while, Mark's yearnings to make love to a man began to consume him, but he never acted on his obsession. He had less and less sex with Christine, hoping she would leave him. She was on the road so much, he saw it as a distinct possibility.
Then he saw John's intriguing posting on Craig's List, and he sent off a letter immediately.
John's PO Box
John maintained his PO Box for his secret life. He received gay books and video discs via the box. Friday evening, following his delicious encounter with his new friends, he went to the box after work. He had a suspicion that one or more of his fuck buddies, might have sent him a note. If they wrote it on Wednesday and mailed it immediately, it could be in the box today. He was afraid they might want to resign out of fear of discovery.
There was only one letter in the box and it was from Mark Fisher. Of all the men in the group, John was most attracted to Mark. He believed that he'd be devastated if Mark wanted to pull out of the group. He ripped open the letter and read:
I can't tell you how much last night meant to me. You made all my dreams come true. So far we haven't set our next "meeting." My wife will be away all the rest of this week and next. Is there any possibility that you can find another evening for just the two of us? Please say yes. Nothing would make me happier.
My cell # is 212-777-4130.
Fondly, Mark
After he read the letter, John tried to identify his emotions. He was excited at the anticipation of another male sex encounter. God knows how rare they were for him. He was also very disturbed.
His ad distinctly said `no commitments' but Mark sounded like a man in love, or at least, in lust. John had to admit that he had strong feelings for Mark also, but neither of them was in a position to get involved. Well, maybe Mark could. Mark had no children, but he did, and to be with Mark was not the hand he had been dealt.
He called Mark immediately.
"Can you take a sick day?" John asked. "I've got a zillion of them. We could spend the whole day together."
John distinctly heard a slight sob from Mark. "Yes," he answered. "How about Wednesday?"
"We're on," John said. "I'll call my office from my commuter train that morning, and I'll be at your place about 8:30."
"I can't wait. I'll make us breakfast. And John, if things go well between us, let's call in Thursday morning, and say we are better, but still too ill to make it into the office, but expect to make it on Friday."
"We'll see," John said and left it at that.
On the train going home, John wanted to remember what Mark looked like, but his image kept blurring. Finally, he dozed off, and a picture of Mark came to him so clearly that he got an erection. Mark was tall, about 6'2". He was lean but solid. His eyes were hazel, and contrary to stereotypes, he had a pug nose. His hair was curly and the color of sand on a beach. His chin was on the square side and had a slight cleft. To add to his beauty, Mark had two deep dimples on each cheek. They grew deeper when he smiled. Mark's cut, beautiful cock fit perfectly in John's mouth, and he had no doubt that it would be a perfect fit for his ass.
Suddenly, he couldn't wait for Wednesday and berated himself for not making their date for Tuesday instead. He called Mark on his cell phone and had no trouble changing their date to Tuesday. Then he did something he vowed not to do, he gave Mark his cell phone number.
"If I don't answer," he told Mark, "it means that I'm not free to talk."
"I understand completely. The same is true for me."
Mark's Apartment
John didn't exactly knock on Mark's door on Tuesday morning, he banged on it. Mark answered immediately. He was wearing a shorty-bathrobe and he had nothing on underneath. The two men did something then, that they had not done the previous week. They grabbed each other into a passionate embrace, and their tongues met inside their mouths. Mark's robe fell to the floor, and John started to undress, with a lot of help from Mark.
"I have everything ready for breakfast," Mark said. "Let's eat and then shower with me."
Mark made cheese omelets with bagels and coffee. The two men consumed their meals faster than they ever had before. Mark stacked the dishes in the dishwasher and they ran to the shower.
All they had meant to do in the shower was to cleanse their bodies, but lust took over. They went down on each other but refrained from cumming. When they started to insert fingers into each other's asses, all restraint left them. They fucked each other using only soap as a lubricant, and no protection.
Thoroughly exhausted, they dried themselves and lay down in Mark's bed wrapped up in each other's arms. "I love the way this feels," John murmured. Both of them dozed off.
John woke and tried to figure out what was happening to him. His whole body tingled, and he felt another orgasm building in his loins. As he gained more consciousness, he realized that Mark was giving him a wake-up blow job. He twisted around and took Mark into him. They played a mean game of sixty-nine and they did indeed cum again. They swallowed everything each had to offer, and there was no mess.
They made love all day. Every so often they got out of bed and had a snack. Just before 5 PM they called their offices and told the receptionist that they would be in on Thursday. Unfortunately, John had to get dressed and take his commuter train home.
As they reluctantly separated, Mark said, "Tell your wife that you have to work late tomorrow and I'll take you out to a five-star restaurant for dinner."
"That sounds like a plan, and then I can spend more time with you." John was shocked at his own admission of what sounded like, "I love you."
They talked on the phone all during John's ride home and found it very hard to say goodnight.
Neither man could sleep that night, not only in anticipation of another glorious day of love making, but in the realization that it was time to change their lives.
Decisions
When John arrived at Mark's the next morning, he was surprised to find him fully dressed. Before he could comment, Mark said, "I've got breakfast ready. Let's eat and talk. I have to tell you something."
"You don't have to tell me anything. I know you love me. I love you more."
They fell into each other's arms and hugged each other. They neither kissed nor fondled, they just held each other tightly. It made them feel better than any poke in the ass.
All Mark made that morning was coffee and toasted English muffins.
"I've made up my mind," Mark said during breakfast. "I have no children and Christine is on the road more than she's home. I'm going to ask for a divorce. I need to be free so I can be gay."
"Wow! That is heavy stuff."
"Yes, it is. I know that you are more encumbered than I am, with kids and all, and I don't expect you to make the same decision. When I'm free I'll be available to you 100% of the time, so whenever you can get away, we can be together. John, I love you so much, I'm willing to settle for half a loaf."
"There will be no settling. I stayed awake all night thinking about our situation. My boys are in high school. They're almost adults. I've decided to come out and ask for a divorce. I don't know if my boys will hate me or support me. I don't care what happens; they'll just have to deal with it. I make a good living and I'll go on supporting them and my wife."
As John spoke, Mark was racked with sobs. They stood up from the table and kissed each other passionately.
"What about Matt and Luke?" Mark asked.
"I don't have their cell phone numbers, so I'll send them each a letter. I'll tell them what's going on with us, and I'll give them each other's mailing addresses. I'll urge them to get together or create their own little group."
"I'm going to speak to my wife when she gets home Saturday afternoon," Mark affirmed.
"I'm going to beat you. I'm going to tell my family tonight."
"What if she kicks you out tonight?"
"I'll stay with you until your wife gets home, and then I'll stay at the Y."
Mark smiled, "I can't wait to look for an apartment together. Your commuting days are over."
"We've been talking too much," John said. "Let's get to bed, where you can fuck me. I want you inside of me so bad."
"I won't disappoint."
The two men never made love so freely, and with so much fervor. There would no longer be any need for stolen moments. They would be liberated to be who they were, and their dark closets of deception would cease to exist.