That's with an "E", John Windham: vindskinke@hotmail.com
Chapter Five
If this makes it to posting I have David from Nifty to thank. His patience and gentle tutelage is so very appreciated.
"Lars I hate to interrupt, but what is going on? You seemed to slam the door and walk away. Then you return to Brandon who is now defenseless and seemingly at your mercy. How do you expect us to react? He has spent hours searching for you, worried sick that something was wrong. I cannot control his life or decisions but your conduct has left a lot to be desired and it is quite troubling. Why should I accept that you would be any different?"
"You over step your role I think. My relationship with Brandon is not something that should be your concern. It is between Brandon and me."
"Oh, God, Lars it's so good to see you but you are wrong. Any friendship I might have will by definition involve John. I would, rather could not have a relationship without him. I thought and had assumed you understood that this man's importance in my life is vital to me. You mention `meddlesome' but you do not realize that he is a vital component of my life not some busy body intruding."
"Lars, I think that we need to come to terms with our definitions. You speak of my overstepping my role. That I am out of bounds with my concern for Brandon, I hope you will realize that is like saying to a parent you should not be connected to your child. I am beginning to appreciate the gulf that exists between our two cultures. When I experience the misunderstandings between you and myself it makes it all the more painful. Brandon is for me a gift that was not expected at this stage in my life. Yet here he is bringing me joy as well as comfort how can you say it is not my concern. You must realize that as reserved as you Danes are we Americans are approachable. I do not presume to say our way is better it's just that it is different. "
"I wish you could `unbend' enough to gain some perspective into this situation. I am frankly at a loss as to how to ameliorate your misgivings. Is this a cultural misunderstanding? I think not. It is your problem and one that acculturation will never mitigate. This war of competing impulses is something that is part and parcel of Lars Jacobsen. Your embracing then denial of Brandon's attention is just the latest example."
Lars's unblinking stare and neutral affect did nothing to allay Brandon or John's doubts. Instead the tableaux seemed frozen with the participants unable or unwilling to make the first move. Looking past John, Brandon became aware of the reflection. This time it seemed not only to scrutinize him but to assay the three other participants as well. Blinking and rubbing his eyes in no way diminished the reflection as it had before. He was sure that if the others would just turn they could see it as well. He thought to alert the others but as in the worst of dreams he could not move, could not talk but could only stare as it looked now directly at him. Tony seemed to shed invisible restraints as he shivered from a chill that seemed to contradict the spirited dance from the fireplace. He steadied himself with his hand on the chair. Now that Brandon was released from immobility the reflection had disappeared. John never altered his gaze but Lars dropped his eyes unwilling to face a confrontation. John accepted this unspoken submission without the acknowledgement that might humiliate Lars. Everyone was stiff with embarrassment unwilling to admit its cause.
"My mother, god rest her soul, would have considered our conduct tonight the height of unforgivable impropriety. As much as it goes against the grain I must agree with her. Lars, you are a guest and my conduct has been unforgivable. Brandon, everything I have done in the past day has not only made your life more complicated but may actually have damaged it as well. Tony, you must shake yourself awake you have mistaken concern and sympathy for something else. Look at me; I am decades older than you, certainly something you do not have to settle for. You are in your prime not only physically beautiful but of remarkable integrity. You will make someone a wonderful mate. Tom would be chagrined at how abysmally I have handled this day. I hope you will forgive me but I must retire to my room. Please make yourselves comfortable."
The three were stunned by John's departure. They looked at each other. Lars stood there mute as he processed all that had been said. Brandon sank down onto the couch his head in his hands. Tony was the only one that reacted with decision. He slammed his fist into his palm as he angrily paced in front of the fireplace.
"John is so damn stubborn. I have been in love with him since I was eleven years old. I used to drive my folks crazy wanting to come out here to see him. The only one that seemed to understand and give me encouragement was Tom. Ironic isn't it? He would listen to my childish stories about John and me with compassion that only now can I appreciate. Never once as I grew older did he make me feel guilty or discourage me. When he was homebound by his illness I would spend hours with him. It was the only time that both Papa and Mama actually allowed me to miss work with their blessing. Never once did they complain or criticize me for being away. During those wonderful hours with Tom we discussed everything. Nothing was off limits, not even my love for John. He said that my feelings were not wrong but a blessing meant to help John after he was gone. Brandon you gave me quite a start when I saw you tonite in his clothes. It's not just the clothes but you as well. Hasn't John told you how much you resemble Tom? It's almost spooky that you look so much alike."
"He has never really talked about Tom until this weekend. He not only has given me these wonderful clothes but let me drive Tom's car. I have never even seen a picture of Tom. John certainly has not mentioned our resemblance. He has only shown solicitude and support in my concern about you, Lars."
"This whole weekend has been not only extraordinary but bizarre as well. I really am not equipped to deal with situations like this. I think that John might be correct in that it is more my problem than anyone else's. Brandon I am at a loss about what to say to you. I realize I may seem duplicitous but it is not intentional. I have been both wonderfully happy and utterly devastated by my reactions to you. I want to be close to you but I am frightened by the consequences. I just do not know."
"Tony, has anyone ever mentioned seeing someone that looks like me around the house. I mean.. oh shit, I must be cracking up. I have seen a figure that almost looks like my reflection but then it seems to move on its own. I would almost swear it was looking at me in place of my reflection. I have not said anything because it's all so absurd."
"Brandon look at this would you recognize this reflection if you saw a picture of it? The reason that I ask is obvious, your resemblance to Tom cannot be denied and this reflection fits a description of a younger Tom. Here, this is a picture Papa took years ago of them both holding me. I always carry it in my wallet."
Lars looked up from the picture, "it is you Brandon. The resemblance is breath taking, are you sure John has never mentioned it to you?"
Brandon started trembling as he realized that the reflection that had been watching him this weekend was Tom. Tony and Lars watched him carefully realizing that his precarious hold on reality was starting to disintegrate. It was obvious that he was trying to talk but could not form the words. They both jumped to catch him as he slowly just melted unconsciously to the floor. It was Tony that took over, stretching him out on the carpet in front of the fire. He grabbed the afghans from the couch and chair to keep him warm as he put pillows under his feet and legs. All the while he was whispering soothing phrases of encouragement. He gently caressed his forehead to comfort and reassure Brandon that everything was ok and would be fine. Lars was kneeling beside them both at a loss as to what to do but wanting to help none-the-less. An almost indiscernible whimpering alerted them that he was gradually resurfacing. Lars looked imploringly into Tony's eyes with such an earnest plea that he grudgingly relinquished his place at Brandon's head. Lars gently lifted his head and cradled it in his lap, all the while murmuring his affection and concern. It was this that Brandon heard and felt as he slowly regained sentience. This warmth was short lived as he remembered where he was and what had just happened. He started shaking again when he realized that the reflection, that Tom was bending down behind Lars watching him. The solicitude in those eyes could not be denied but its presence was too much for him as he slowly succumbed to unconsciousness going entirely limp in Lars arms. This was more than Lars had bargained for as he pulled him against his chest heaving in muffled sobs. He started to rock back and forth holding him ever tighter in his arms.
Tony stood up trying not to sound like he was not giving orders, "Here, you help me with him. We will get him into the bed under some warm covers and maybe that will help him to relax. Come on Lars, shape up and help me. I can do it by myself if I have to but it would be a lot easier if you would at least try to be of assistance." Tony grimly grimaced when he heard the tone of voice he was using.
Between them they were able to get Brandon undressed and into the bed. They covered him carefully with the down comforter. Lars spoke quietly not looking at Tony, "he should not be left alone. I will stay with him. If you would be so kind as to tell John what has happened and that I am staying in here with him. If he objects I will of course leave. I hope he will allow me the chance to redeem myself. I don't want him to be alone but the whole truth is that I want to be with him. I want to hold him. I want to protect and comfort him. Please Tony do this for me, please."
Without saying anything more Tony leaned over taking Lars chin in his hand. He tilted his face up so that he was looking at him. With a smile he kissed Lars on his forehead and nodded. Leaving the room quietly he gave Lars one last reassuring half smile as he closed the door. Lars squeezed both eyes tightly shut in an attempt to slow things down and regain some semblance of control. He turned the radio on and was reassured to here the shimmering optimism of Sibelius' second symphony. As always he meticulously folded his clothes as he undressed, this time without any thought of pajamas he slides under the covers. He gently pulled Brandon into his arms laying his head in the crook of his arms and neck. He continued to whisper as he tenderly stroked his face and hair. It was into this nest of blurry warmth and comfort that Brandon slowly, timidly reached for awareness.
"Lars it is you. I was dreaming that you were holding me and you are. Or is this some dream within an evil dream just to make my awakening more painful and vacant. You seem so warm and real. Lars is it really you?"
Without replying Lars brought their lips together in a kiss so full of compassion and love that no words were needed. Brandon almost seemed to be fighting as he pulled Lars into his fierce grip. Their bodies melded with a harmony that left both breathless as well as seared by the intensity of the moment. The quartz like hardness of both seemed now to be just another natural recognition of and for each other. There was no doubt nor a moment's hesitation as their bodies erupted in a simultaneous explosion of love and commitment. Their bodies' concretion was only a symbol of the profoundly deeper union of what some call souls and others their spirits. All that mattered was that for these two the testing at least was finished. They now belonged to each other. Opening their eyes only long enough to smile they kissed and quietly fell asleep in the security of their embrace.
John was startled when his door opened but despite himself he relaxed with a wistful smile when he recognized Tony silhouetted in the door. Without a word Tony closed the door behind himself and sat in the familiar chair next to the bed. As he had done those many nights during and after Tom's funeral he quietly took off his clothes the difference being this time he took all of them off. His young body glistened in the moon's cool glow. John watched captivated not only by Tony's beauty but also his audacious determination. Tenderly but firmly Tony held John's face as he slowly lowered his lips in a kiss that belied his inexperience and youth. Neither noticed the figure seemingly reflected in the dormer windows. Tom smiled in happiness as tears of relief slipped down his cheeks. His image dissolved in what could only be described a blessing as he waved in fare well. Tony knew now in his heart that John was his. That his patience was now being rewarded as Tom had predicted it would be. He smiled to himself debating how much to tell John. It all seemed so natural the way they settled into each other under the cover. No need to rush, now he was home and finally where he belonged. He mused to himself in a silent giggle thinking of his parent's reaction.
"John, Lars is with Brandon but said he would leave if you did not approve. But before you say anything please let me tell you how natural they seemed to be when I left them tonite. Please, let's give him the benefit of a doubt."
"Young man you seem to be making an inordinate number of assumptions tonight. Tony, my sweet gentle Tony thank you. I am so lucky to have you. You are a most determined person and I may be classed as a silly old fool but I am from now on your silly old fool."
Tom was humming as well as anyone could hope to the melody which ran thru the last act trio. He stood by one of his most prized treasures that was securely zippered and protected. He slowly tugged at the zipper as it fell from his beloved car. He smiled as he gently caressed its gleaming beauty, "well old girl, I don't have to worry about you or the boys any longer. You will be carefully tended with the same love and devotion that we shared." His image slowly dissolved as he seemed to touch the windshield one last time.
John was returning from the road where he picked up the morning paper and was startled when he walked thru the garage noticing the cover off of Tom's car. He distinctly remembered that Brandon had carefully zippered it up as securely as Tom always had. He walked over checking with a puzzled frown until he saw on the windshield outlined by the glistening condensation "T+J=LT+J' His breath caught and his eyes refused to focus as he stood there with a smile unable to stop the tears. How like his beloved Tom to bless him with "Little Tony".
I know its saccharin; ok sickeningly sweet, but thank you for making it to the end. If you have any suggestions or comments please contact me: vindskinke@hotmail.com When David decides to post it I will have a short story "Yes, Love is possible!" for your evaluation. Many thanks, John Windham