That's with An "E", by John Windham: vindskinke@hotmail.com
Chapter Four
Ok, I give. Vinde=Wind, Skinke= ham........need I say more. This is another of Peter's clever ideas from Danmark, which seems to be the hallmark of this story. I dislike using a made up address like this but I think it important not to involve my work and others in this enterprise. If you are still with me then I commend your perseverance.
Do I really need to repeat this mantra every time? Oh well, this story is about the love that two men find or rather try to find for each other. That by virtue of its nature means it is a homosexual story. If you find this offensive then please do not read any further.
He was at a loss. What on earth could he do now? Just abandon any further hope of contact with Lars this was not an option. He was committed to making this friendship work. His frustration was palpable and could not be hidden. He sat down by the phone trying to decide how best to deal with the situation. He could not shake the feeling that he was not alone. He kept glancing around but it was just himself, the fire and Verdi. He walked over to the picture window to watch as the last vestige of the sunset faded into the dark purple of night. As he was just about to turn back to the fireplace he noticed his reflection seemed out of sync and skewed. Looking more carefully he realized he was being watched by his own likeness. He shook himself impatiently and grimaced at his overwrought imagination. What could he expect next a visit from the dark angel cast away and denied so like him-self? His anger and self-recrimination seemed almost to devour him. He stared at the phone his eyes stinging with tears of frustration and disappointment. How had this happened? He could not believe that his life could be spinning out of control as it was. He looked up to see John standing in the doorway watching with a worried frown. A shimmering image waited just behind John and seemed to be the same reflection he had seen earlier. It seemed to be him-self yet not concrete enough to accept but so real it frightened him to his core. He started to say something but could not seem to articulate just what he was seeing. John, oblivious to all but Brandon's anguish came to him and gently wrapped his arms around him. He assumed that Brandon could not get Lars on the phone.
"Brandon, do you want to see if we can find Lars? He could very well be in his room and not answering his phone. I can easily pause at the juncture with our meal it is of no consequence."
"John we don't have a car after I caused this afternoon's meltdown. I can ride the bike into the campus and get mine."
"No need, we can drive Tom's. It will do it good to get some exercise and fresh air."
Brandon's eyebrows shot up in surprise. Tom's car had never been out of its cover since he had known John. He was not only incredulous but intrigued as well. Without further discussion they separated, John to tie things up in the kitchen and Brandon to put up the fire screen, changing from CD to NPR and turning on the lights he knew were always left on. They put on their jackets since the sun was only a memory of reflected light and the evening surprising cool. Together they unzipped the cover and what appeared from its chrysalis was a glowing cream colored SL190 in what appeared to be pristine condition. Unconsciously he reached out and caressed it as he would any cherished treasure. He looked up self conscious to find John beaming in approval. Not saying anything he handed Brandon the keys only nodding in encouragement and blessing. Brandon was utterly stunned aware of the high honor being accorded him by this generous man. He gingerly opened the door and slid under the wheel as John activated the garage door. He could not believe the glove like fit between him and the seat, the perfect fit behind the wheel and reach to the stick shift. It was as if he had been driving the car for years. Glancing into the mirror he realized it was positioned precisely for his height as he backed out of the garage. He was amazed at the smooth purr from the engine. He could not contain a huge smile that escaped as he geared up leaving the house. If it were not for their goal he would have been exuberant. Even with their grave mission he reveled in the freedom he felt with the wind blowing through his hair. He was torn between the excitement of the moment and the apprehension of facing Lars. They found little comfort looking at the full moon lambently bathing the scene in a daguerreotype display that lent itself to the somber task ahead. Neither of them had broken the spell of silence instead Brandon reached over taking John's hand for comfort and strength. John clasped it with vigor and determination. The moon's glow gradually surrendered to the florescent harshness of the city lights. No longer the comfortable silence of a country road instead the strident noises of busy traffic. Brandon now had both hands on the steering wheel as he negotiated the traffic naturally apprehensive about Tom's car.
"I think checking his room is the first thing to do. You can drop me off in front of Burnside Dorm and it shouldn't take long."
Brandon wheeled into the loading zone with the finesse of Dale Gordon. John gave a short whistle of admiration as he got out checking on Lars. Glancing in the rear view mirror he checked to see if anyone was waiting for his spot. Since there was not he turned it off but turned on the radio. He was not surprised to hear Prairie Home Companion playing from the local NPR station. Was this a way to spend Saturday night, he thought not? What had he done to merit the devotion and care John lavished on him time and time again? His shocking lack of control that afternoon had caused John to wreck his car and he had negotiated the entire incident with equanimity and poise. Despite his own sense of guilt John had steadfastly refused to assign blame. What would he do without this man's attention and support? He shuddered at the prospect. It was imperative that he express his appreciation, no more than that, his love for this unique man. It was a complicated love not only the love one gives to a mentor but something deeper more visceral. Something that Lars could not grasp much less understands. He wondered how his parents would react to John. He had managed to spare him from that onerous occurrence but it was inevitable. He had told John all about them but nothing could prepare someone for his father, his mother yes, but not that man. He shivered not from the night air but rather the direction of his thoughts. He focused on the problem facing them now. What on earth was taking John so long? He shivered again and considered putting the top up against the chill. Realizing it was more from incipient dread not the temperature he did not stir. Where on earth was John? He looked at his watch for the umpteenth time realizing it had been only 17 minutes. His knuckles whitened as he grasped the wheel seeing John coming from the dorm alone his face expressionless.
"I am sorry it took me so long but I got the floor monitor to unlock his room so I could check. Not surprisingly it was immaculately sterile the only clue was his clothes that were neatly folded and his bike still missing. It's obvious he is still out riding or has stopped to eat. I left him a long note and asked him to call us as soon as he returned no matter the time. I mentioned you would be at the house for several days. The only thing I can suggest now is just to ride around with the unlikely goal of finding him. No one on the floor had any idea where he might be. He evidently is cordial but distant with the other residents. This is consistent with what we know about him."
"John drop me off at my dorm and I will pick up my car. I do not expect you to spend your evening riding around aimlessly searching. It is enough that I have wrecked one car and destroyed your entire weekend. You need to go home rest and relax. While you were in the dorm I made a pact with myself. I want you to understand how appreciative I am and how much I dearly love you."
His eyes glistening from unshed tears he reached out and tenderly touched Brandon's cheek. He slowly caressed his baby soft skin as Brandon closed his eyes. He visibly relaxed oblivious to the startled glances and whispered comments. They were surprised to see a beautiful young boy with his head back and the solicitous ministrations of an older man indifferent to others. Some smiled approvingly, others with a censorious grimace and a few with a tinge of envy. John gently wiped away the tears that traced down Brandon's cheeks as well as his own. "Ok, we have provided the multitudes with enough entertainment for one night. Let's start with the park and the bike trails which should be a good start and it's lighted. Having the top down is an asset in that it's easier for us to see and to be seen in case Lars is around. No more of this mushy talk I am not constitutionally able to handle it."
Brandon maneuvered into the traffic with one seamless move. Without further discussion they both began to scan the road for Lars. The bike traffic in the park was a surprise as folks took advantage of the trails, weather and good lighting. They drove very slowly watching the cyclists as they sped by at what seemed reckless break neck speed. Even with this speed there never was a collision but rather the whole thing seemed choreographed with amazing grace and beauty. After 30 minutes of fruitless searching they started a circular route around the University in ever widening circles. The grim reality of the statistical unlikelihood of finding Lars was of little relevance. John switched from NPR to a tape of Chopin Etudes as their circle gradually enlarged. Time and time again they were disappointed as they would overtake yet another rider. Nothing was ever said but both realized the seeming futility of their search. There were no friends to call or anyone who might have any idea where Lars could be found. Brandon became progressively more agitated the longer they searched. His tense grip on the wheel said it all. He finally pulled over and parked. Looking at John all he could do was shake his head in resignation. Without a word John got out and Brandon climbed over to the passenger's seat turning over the driving to John. He headed back out into the country without discussion or disagreement. The light from the moon now had taken on a distilled crystal quality no longer softening the fields and woods. Brandon was determined to not have a repeat of his conduct tonight. He sat stiffly staring straight ahead past the car lights into the distant darkness. With no preamble he got out the car's cover declining John's help and preceded to buff it well before covering it for the night. He returned to the kitchen and was surprised to find John sitting, not cooking. John gave him a half smile of apology.
"I think a delivered pizza is in order what do you think? It will be worth the extra charge of coming out this far. I think one from the place in the strip mall on the way home. They deliver and make a delicious pizza. The family makes the crusts there and all ingredients are fresh. I haven't had one delivered since Tom's death. I stop by on the way home sometimes. What would you like on yours?"
"Are you sure you don't want me to run in and get one? I will be glad to do it."
"No, little Tony will be happy to deliver and he is such a little stud it's an extra dividend just to see him. I will have fresh artichokes, shiitake, olives, and capers, green onions, roma tomatoes with anchovies; they call that there T&J special for obvious reasons. What would you like? Look by the frig in the cabinet and you will see a folder which has take out menus. I have never known them to change their choices unless of course something is not available fresh."
"Would it be impertinent of me to duplicate yours? Those ingredients are perfect for me. Maybe now we can have a T, J&B special. I will be glad to call it in."
"No, let me, big Tony's feelings would be hurt otherwise. Please grab the phone for me, that one has them on the speed dial. Thanks. Hello, this is Jo......ah, hey there Tony its good to hear your voice as well. I know it's been a long time since I've availed myself of your take out service. You can stop with the comments I happen to have a dear, dear friend visiting and nothing more. Yes, Tony it will be the usual but can you make that two my guest is a growing boy with a voracious appetite. We are in no rush, in fact I am going to fix us a drink when I get off the phone and relax. Tell little Tony to just thump the back door as usual and come on in we will be in the library in front of the fire. Yes it is good to back into our routine I have missed it as well. Your care and concern is always appreciated Tony. Thank you for saying that, I seem to never stop missing him either. How is that for family service? You see why I had to call? When Tom died his wife Renatta just took over the house and made certain that I was cared for. I will never forget the way she ran this place like a well-ordered army unit. All the children were conscripted as well. My friends were incredulous. Brandon I do not know how I could have made it through that week without their care. I was at a complete loss. It was fortuitous that Tom had made all the arrangements a few years back, not only for his but mine also. I was unaware of all of those arrangements until I was confronted with the realty of Tom's death. I told you about little Tony well he would not leave my side. When I was at the point of collapse he looked at his mother and then shepherded me up the stairs to what had been our room. Seeing the apprehension in my face he gently nudged me into the guest bedroom across the hall. He got me undressed and into my nightshirt and ready for bed. Only after I was safely under the covers did he leave. I was still lying there wide-awake when he returned about 45 minutes later. Without saying a word he shed his clothes and slide into the bed with me, taking me into his arms he just held me and whispered gentle reassurances in my ear. In the protection of his arms I was able to relax and fall asleep. When I awoke a bit before dawn I thought maybe I had been dreaming until Tony came out of the bathroom. He gave me the most loving smile possible leaning down and kissing me on the forehead. I blushed and tried to express my appreciation but he stopped me by a gentle touch of his finger to my lips. He said `Johnny you and Tommy are family' and with that left to find his mother to help where he could. This routine repeated itself until the funeral and several days after. There was never a moment of sexual intimacy just plain family love and caring. They taught me a profound and valuable lesson that I will never forget. You express your love for those important to you no matter the circumstances. Without that experience I doubt that I could have ever been what I am for you."
"Well, Brandon, brace yourself that thump you heard could be none other than Thumper the rabbit, Tiny Tony!"
"What's with this tiny stuff, Uncle Johnny? Is your memory so limited that you suffer from amnesia? Tiny my ass you must be thinking about the Pizza boy who delivers from uptown chains! So this is why I am delivering two pizzas tonight, I must say `Unc' you are moving way uptown with this one. Wow, what a looker."
John stuttered almost spilling his drink, "you impertinent rascal, if your mother knew how poorly you treat your elders your allowance would be in serious jeopardy. Tony, please, this is my dearest and cherished friend Brandon Whiteside. I want the two of you to become friends. Seriously, you two are destined to be friends from now on. No Tony this is not some necromancer's divination it is something I know in my heart as well as my mind that you two are meant to be friends."
Tony stood back watching this beautiful man that so resembled Tom. John had made no mention of this obvious similarity, no warning about what to expect. How unlike John it was to not point out something so obvious. Is there a chance he is blind to this twin of Tom's standing here? Granted he is younger than Tom but he must be a long lost son, it's uncanny. Brandon stood watching Tony warily not sure how to take this almost raucous interchange. They both seemed to be taking the other's measure as duelist on a field of honor. Tony broke the impasse reaching out to shake Brandon's hand but when their hands clasped he pulled Brandon into a generous and giving bear hug that just said it all. Here I am. I am what you see. Take me if you want but this is my offer and that is that. Brandon seemed to intuit his message and returned the hug, ounce-to-ounce, pound to pound. When they stepped back neither one could contain the relief and pleasure they both had shared. John standing to the side was glowing with satisfaction.
"Tony, do you think you can stand your own cooking? I am calling your folks there is just no way you can leave. Please stay and share our evening, it's been a stressful traumatic day and your company will go a long way to assuage the pain. Please Tony, please stay."
"I am not calling Papa that is up to you, but I would love to stay. I have missed you Johnny. A lot more than you realize I think. You would never have neglected me if you had known."
Brandon watched this interchange that was charged with an undercurrent so strong it made you want to step back. He had known John now for 2 or 3 years, why had he not heard anything about this virile young man so obviously taken with John. The tension created by there being close eclipsed conversation. He hoped that this young hunk would stay because he felt John needed the reinforcement of something this basic and vital. He wondered what could I do to bring them closer. Smiling to himself he thought now the shoe is on the other foot. He would do the arranging and matchmakings. This made the absence of Lars that much more poignant and profound. If only he knew where to go in his search for his lost Dane. He watched as Tony followed every move John made. When he phoned the restaurant, Tony suddenly became a bundle of nerves, ill at ease and apprehensive. Seeing only John's back as he put down the phone he had no idea what the result was from his call. John turned looking at Tony and his face bloomed in a smile of happiness and acceptance. He opened his arms, as Tony seemed to leap across the room into John's arms. After a brief but passionate kiss he pulled back embarrassed by what he thought was his unseemly display of affection. Brandon walked over to the two and pulled both into his embrace.
"I hesitate to intrude but Tony, if you care for this my dearest friend, you will gentle, kind and serious with no hidden agendas. He is about the most important person in my life. I do not think I could tolerate his being hurt or treated unkindly. I would not have survived this long without his care."
John began to fidget under this blanket of concern. He felt that he was about to smother, "please, both of you just stop. I love you both. You both have changed my life. Now let me be really profound, you had both best sit for this one....... let's eat our pizzas." He could not suppress the silly smile that kept surfacing no matter how hard he tried.
Seeing the two of them so relaxed and natural with each other made his lose that much more painful. Tony mentioned seeing the 190 going by with him driving. He blushed knowing what an unexpected privilege John had given him. He was puzzled by Tony's intense almost analytical scrutiny especially when he caught his eyes examining him. What was it that puzzled him? Surely he realized that his love for John was no threat to theirs. He realized that this was one of the aspects of this problem he must face. They realized the need to establish priorities but now, the over whelming problem was finding Lars and making certain that he was ok. They both took turns describing the events of the past day and Lars in general to a perplexed Tony.
Tony abruptly stood up, "you will not believe this but I am sure it was Lars that ate supper with us tonite. Your description fits him to a `T'. He was reserved and taciturn but extremely courteous and appreciative. He loved our pizza. He was on a purple bike and despite his reserved manner I could not help but notice him since he is quite a looker. I remember noting that he did not go in the direction that I had expected but away from the University, actually on the road to here. I had wondered why someone would be out on a dark country road this late. Yet in retrospect I did not pass him or see any sign of him on the side of the road. Do you think maybe we should check more carefully?"
"No! Not you two, I will do it. May I borrow your truck to check the road please? It will only take a few minutes but I can not rest until I have tried everything possible."
"It's all yours, drives like a dream and there is no rush unless you are worried about not having any pizza left. JOKE, I only want a couple of slices of John's since I ate about 2 hours ago."
Brandon gratefully took the keys and headed out to the driveway. He looked up at the moon, now almost directly overhead. No more illusions. No more hopes. He was going to face the reality of loosing Lars. It would be impossibly difficult on campus but that was just for one more semester. He rebelled at the though of this acceptance. He had never been one to accept defeat gracefully. But what else was he to do. He sank to the ground and buried his head in his hands giving in to the overwhelming need to give in to his grief. The chill of the night air did not seem to affect him. The moon's cold rays now shined down on him with her unremitting illumination. Gone were those soft tones of gentle illumination. No more illusions. No more hope. He sat there quietly sobbing with his head cradled in his arms. Oh, shit, he was really cracking up. He could feel that presence again. Someone near. He now knew it was his imagination but the effect caused him to take a deep breath and try to relax. This phantom duplicate that seemed to follow in his wake turning up at the most unexpected times, it demanded attention but always would disappear with scrutiny. Why had he not told John? No big deal it really was his problem and no one else's. Lars, Lars Jacobsen, that is with an e', not your American's ordinary o'! How that reverberated in his ears. Trying to be quiet while blowing his nose he attempted to pull himself up by grasping the trucks handle. This became an ungainly mess as the nose blowing impinged on the pulling up on the truck handle. He sank again to the ground in utter defeat. The only saving grace was that no one saw the ignominy of his failed attempts. Shit, there was that feeling again of someone being near. He was going to have to commit himself to the loony bin if this did not stop. He slowly relaxed and lay down. Opening his eyes he saw a figure standing in the back ground just out from the Sasanquas. He was too exhausted to be afraid and besides it was just his overwrought imagination. He tried to lever himself up with both arms but was just too innervated to succeed. The figure moved toward him and when it did he realized that it was Lars standing there reaching down to cradle him in his arms. He dissolved into the warmth from his touch. Disbelieving his senses he found the strength to stand up, leaning against the truck. Now he could clearly see, yes it was Lars standing in front of him. He reached out with both hands to touch and reaffirm the reality that he was actually here. He looked up into his eyes questioning the moment, the reality, and the future of their communion. All that he was aware of was Lars leaning down as their lips touched in splendid harmony and trust. He had trouble catching his breathe much less standing by himself. Lars just gently pulled him into the comfort of his embrace and they walked back to the house in perfect sync and accord. As they walked into the library unannounced John turned to greet Brandon's return but seeing Lars dropped his glass that shattered as it crashed to the floor. Tony unfazed by the entire episode reached out his hand and said, "I am so glad you liked your pizza. Do you know it is the duplicate of their pizza tonight except you did not order capers? I guess that means you are a part of the family. How long have you been here? Your bike ride must have been a bit of a hazard."
"Those monstrous juggernauts you American's drive almost did me in."
Lars turns to Brandon and gives him a gentle but hesitant smile. He traces the outline of his lips with his fingertips and leans into him touching his lips with a quiet kiss.
John Windham: vindskinke@hotmail.com