Author's Note:
I know, I know, this is a little overdue, but, last chapter was really long, and so is this one, and...and...and...all I can say concerning my lateness is that - my dog ate it!
Finally, another chapter out cuz I'm hoping you guys want it. Drop me a line, love hearing from you all: wereallmadhere@hotmail.com
Thanks to those who wrote in last time.
Jay Alexander - thank you SO much for the editing and the insights, and a big "THANK YOU" also goes out to your much appreciated "helper". Both of your comments and jokes kept me smiling through the frustration that was this chapter (we almost ran out of colour!). I can't say this enough - I hate dialogue (with a passion)!!! I don't know why people need to speak. But, finally, this chapter is presentable, all cuz of you. Oh, and a special thanks also goes out to Billy as well. And, of course, them smarties - buncha scumfucks, eh!
If you are under age or it is illegal for you to be reading such "filth", please leave. This material contains crude language (gosh!), and homosexuality (oh my!), so if you are offended, then, yes...goodbye!
This story is purely fictional. So, any similarity to anyone or anything is purely coincidental. If you want to put this story somewhere else, distribute it, whatever, please ask me first. Thanks!
And FINALLY there was...
CHAPTER 19
Something changed for him last night after he left me in the tree-house. I know the kiss was real. I don't doubt that.
But I was tired of always running to him, pleading with him to let me in, pretending that it was ok when it bothered me that he shut me out. No more. If he wanted me, he would have to come to me first. I was tired of waiting around for Kenny. I've waited too long...
I just hoped he realized his mistakes before it was too late. Yeah right...and pigs fly...
Actually, it doesn't matter now. Thane was waiting for me...
Thane was waiting for me at the train station. He had a huge grin on his face. He looked so happy to see me. His hug took the breath out of me. I feared he would just kiss me right then and there.
I felt like the worst piece of shit. I could hardly contain my guilt. He was being so nice, and I was having doubts about us.
We talked about the wedding, actually we made fun of the wedding. Then, I told him about how Kenny and Mama Brien had kept in touch with Aidan and that I was going to meet him. I didn't care if my parents disowned me too.
Thane was supportive throughout. I knew he had questions about Kenny and me, how the "reunion" went, but he didn't mention anything. It was like he was putting on a facade of being happy. Join the club.
In the span of a week away from Thane, everything completely changed. I felt awkward being with him. He was also superficially nice to me. We didn't talk like we used to. A few courteous nods, and answers back. That was our whole conversation.
I know I had doubts about Thane even before Kenny kissed me. Even when I wasn't talking to Kenny. I couldn't avoid my feelings now.
The realization hit me like a ton of bricks: I didn't want to be with Thane.
I couldn't settle for his imperfections. He shouldn't have to settle for mine, either.
I wanted to be with Kenny. But, Kenny didn't want to be with me.
I couldn't do much about that. But, I didn't care. That bastard could go fuck himself for all I cared.
I had come a long way since the beginning of University. I wasn't afraid of being alone anymore. It wasn't right for me to stay with Thane. It wasn't fair to me, or to Thane. It didn't matter if Kenny was there or not. I still couldn't do this to Thane. I had to tell him. I would lose him. I still loved him, but I wanted more...that elusive thing called "in love".
But, the truth of the matter was, I knew I would be alone. Kenny wouldn't come running to me. For the first time, the thought didn't make me sad or afraid. I actually looked forward to it, to depending on me for a change, rather than others. I wanted to be on my own, work out my own issues and try to forget about Kenny so that when I moved on, whoever I had a relationship with next, I would be doing it with a clean heart and not carrying around repressed feelings for someone else. No one deserved to enter a relationship already being denoted as second. Especially not Thane.
I had looked at a few places that were available...and cheap as hell. They weren't very nice...but...the place would be mine. I would be moving out. Now, it was just this little matter of filling Thane in on my plans.
Thane felt the change in our relationship too. I slept in the guestroom that first night back. Thane didn't question me. A couple of days went by like this and one morning we were just chilling in the apartment. He was doing his own thing, and I was doing mine.
It was time.
He was sitting on the couch, reading.
"Thane?" I went up to him and kissed him softly on the lips. He kissed me back as he pulled me on top of him. It was demanding. Thane's kisses were always demanding.
Never soft, never submissive. Not at all like Kenny's. It's funny, because by their personalities, one would think the opposite.
"God, Galen, you're back. I almost rushed to your room last night...I missed you so much, baby." He smoothened my hair back from my forehead as he cuddled me on his lap.
I felt like my heart was wrenched out of my chest. Get a grip, mofo, I had to. I had to do this. I tried to get up, but his hold around my waist tightened. He moved me around, grinding my ass into his crotch, letting me feel his state of arousal.
His other hand went under my shirt and was stroking my chest, gently tweaking one of my nipples.
I groaned. NO! NO!! Can't happen...
His mouth found one of my "spots" on my neck and was sucking on it as primal groans escaped from him.
Boy had been saving up a lot...the whole week. He seemed to be having a bad case of blueballs.
This was not good.
I moved my neck away from his mouth. "We can't do this."
His eyebrows knitted together. "Why??" His hand squeezed my erection. "You want to. I see it." Ok, I was 18...anything could get me hard, especially someone who looked like Thane, but that didn't mean...
He continued as my crotch, in reflex I swear, started to grind itself against his hand, "Your face is flushed, and those lips have turned all red and moist...waiting for me to suck them...mmm...your eyes are shining, baby. The colour of honey. Galen, I love you so fucking much...do you see how hot you get me??" He led my hand to his erection as I felt it grow even more through the fabric of his pants.
I groaned. Maybe, just one more time...and then, it's over. FOR GOOD. I mean, it was kind of like saying, "Goodbye. It has been fun!"
He was sucking on my neck so hard. Hell yeah, it has been fun. Loads and loads of fun. Literally.
I didn't realize that he had already unsnapped the button on my pants and was unzipping them.
"No...Thane...," he bit my neck as I yelped, "Oh, fuck, oh please...no..."
He flipped me on my back so that I was lying down on the couch as he got between my legs. I tried to protest again but his kiss shut me up. I felt his hands tug at my pants and underwear and my erection was free and pressing against Thane's abs. He pushed into me when he felt me.
I put my hands on his shoulders, trying to push him off.
It turned him on even more as he took my cock in his right hand and started to jerk me off. His other hand slipped under me and was caressing my ass. He loved to play with my ass.
Oh fuck! I had to stop this before I regretted it and there would be no turning back. I tried to push him off again, but, his finger found the spot right behind my balls and was pressing into it. I let out a strangled cry.
Thane's eyes met mine. They were so green. Deep green, with a hint of yellow in them. Like a cat's. He kissed me again, taking my breath away.
He was good, damn good. And I was sure as hell going to miss this when I was single. Jacking my own cock each and every day suddenly didn't look appealing at all.
Thane was, after all, my first. I can't just give up on him so easily. Maybe we could make it work. I mean, he had his good points...I groaned as he nibbled on my neck...like how he knew what turned me on...and...he moved to one of my nipples, sucking and tugging it...oh my...and...how my body reacted to his touch...shit...and...
That did it. Fuck, will I never get tired of using Thane for my own benefit? I stopped everything.
Thane kept on sucking on my nipple as his thumb caressed the head of my cock, smearing my pre-cum all over the head and his thumb. I wanted so badly to come in his hot, skilled mouth. Images flashed through my mind, tempting me, my cock throbbed, giving me its own opinion on the subject.
I hissed and then captured his mouth in another fierce kiss. When we broke off, I looked at him again. I caressed his face with my hands. He was so handsome - classically handsome. Pretty boy. Everything of his was immaculate - from his style of dress, the apartment, to how he presented himself to others. He was so composed, mature...almost too rigid. When he smiled, there was no dimple, no twinkle, no promise of mischief. He held something back when he smiled. There were no rough edges, no rawness to him. Simply put, he wasn't Kenny. Damn Kenny, damn him to hell for doing this to me.
My heart sighed in defeat. I pecked him once more on the lips. His eyes turned questioning and his hand stopped jerking me off. I held his gaze as I spoke, "Why didn't you tell me that Mama Brien called me?"
His eyes clouded with guilt momentarily and then he was back, giving me a pleading look. "Oh, sorry about that, baby. I forgot." He smiled at me as he sucked on his thumb that was coated with my pre-cum. He smacked his lips and leered at me. My cock throbbed. Fuck. He definitely knew how to change a topic.
He tried to reach for me again.
Not good enough. With a firm push, I extracted myself from under him and adjusted myself, pulling my pants back up and trying to stuff my rock-hard cock back in. "Twice?"
He looked at me, eyes squinting, he knew there was so much more. "What is it, Galen? What's this really about?"
I wished I could have answered him with a simple, straight answer, but how do I explain the millions of little things that were bothering me, that were just not right? That left me feeling unsettled? Without sounding like an asshole trying to invent reasons out of thin air?
I raked my hands through my hair. "We need to talk."
He bit his lip. "About what?"
"Us."
He looked away from me for a second and when he turned back, he was smiling. It was fake. "Great. I'll take you out to dinner tonight. It'll be romantic. I found this really nice place. You'll love it."
"No, Thane. Now...we gotta do this now."
He turned to me, his eyes pleading. "Dinner, I promise."
"Thane...you can't keep on pretending that everything is under your control. That we are perfectly fine."
"What?? I don't think like that. That's unfair of you, Galen."
I led him by the hand and we sat around the dining table.
Ok...now...start, Galen. Just say everything that you hid to make yourself avoid problems.
"Thane, come on, you've been feeling it too. Things are not the way they should be."
"All right, that's fine. I agree with that, but, we will figure out the problems and try to work through it. I know we've been distant with each other, but see? We're talking it out now."
"Why are you so anal about everything staying exactly the same?"
"What?"
I pointed to the coffee table. "That. I broke it the first night and you replaced it with its twin."
He squinted his eyes at me and shook his head. "What? It goes with the decor. What does that...?"
I cut him off. "And if I leave my books on the table and go to take a piss, when I come back, all my books are arranged in a pile!!"
"You're upset that I am a neat freak?"
"See...this is exactly what I knew would happen. I sound completely crazy. Thane," I was getting frustrated now at my sudden lack of vocabulary, "I feel like I'm a guest here. Not that I don't feel welcomed, or relaxed, because I DO, but, in the end, I still feel like this is yours."
"Oh."
"And the way you seem so hung up on the superficial level of everything. The fact that you can be proud to announce that you are gay to everyone, as if challenging them to defy you...and then, turning and looking down on me 'cause I kept my mouth shut. The look you give, the disdain. The demeaning look. It hurts me. Or...or...the fact that you always have the right words, the right things to say. The fact that we never really fight 'cause you don't let us. You apologize and we make up in bed. That's it."
Thane grimaced. "Thanks for clueing me in. I never knew it was so horrible for you."
The sarcasm was not lost on me. "I was a fucking asshole. I couldn't accept the fact that you tricked yourself when you were young to survive. That must have bothered you. Why didn't you call me on it?"
He shrugged his shoulders.
"If we cared enough about making this...this relationship work, we should have had more talks, more fights, and less...less...Hallmark moments!" I was gonna kill Cat.
"Hallmark?" Now he was thorougly confused. Good job, Galen, you fucker.
I shook my head. This truly was getting nowhere. All right. No holds barred.
"Did you want to impress me when you took me back to your place that first night we hung out at the bar?" I asked Thane.
I didn't wait for an answer. "I was very impressed. A fucking hot guy, with a sweet-ass, souped-up car, and a bitchin' apartment. Buying me drinks. Making me feel special. Living by himself. Older, mature...so sure of himself. His sexuality. I was very impressed."
"That was never my intention. I always wanted to get to know you ever since I saw you in class."
"And I you. Even if you didn't have all this." I waved my hands around the apartment.
Thane's eyes turned red. "What fucking bullshit has he been feeding you???"
"Huh?? Who??"
"Oh, don't even play it like that. You know who. Your reason for living. Kenny."
"No, this has nothing to do with him. It's about us. Me and you. I know you feel it too. We're not right."
His eyes turned from anger to plea. "What did I do that was so wrong?? How did I wrong you so bad??"
I sighed. "Thane, I always thought you could never do wrong. But, as I get to know more and more of you, I see things about you that leave me feeling unsettled. Your temper, just things! Now...I know you see the same in me too...but..."
"But? I never wanted to be your perfection, you know?"
"I know and that's my fault. I'm sorry."
"So...what are you saying?"
"Thane, we are seeing each other for totally wrong reasons."
"What??!!"
I saw the whole picture. Thane and me. What we got from each other, why we were together: we needed each other to help keep our illusions alive. We needed to feel secure that we were in a relationship. I was 18 and still a virgin...it was getting tiring...he had all his material needs, now he needed someone to devote himself emotionally to him...a confused, needy, naive, closet-case would fit the bill.
"Come on, Thane. I know I can be ignorant sometimes, even naive but even I can tell why you were hooked on me. You saw me as this confused, clueless, scared closet- case...your own personal project...something to make you feel worthwhile, make you feel good that you made someone come to terms with himself...since you can't do that for your own self."
"Galen, stop right there. You can't accuse me of these absurd things!!! I really liked you. That was all there was to it. I'm not lying."
"You humoured me too much, Thane...as if I was a kid. You liked teaching me the ways of the "gay world". I don't need that. I don't need pressure to come out, or be proud of who I am...or any of that. I need to do all that on my own. You shoving it down my throat doesn't help. I don't pressure you about the choices you made."
"What's wrong with the choices I made?"
"Your dad?"
Thane's eyes turned red, this was getting to him. "My father and what relationship I have with him has nothing to do with us."
"It has everything to do with us. It affects you, in turn, that affects me. You don't think so, but it does. You're not over what happened. As much as you like to pretend that you don't care...you do care..."
"No, I don't."
"Fine. Believe what you want, but, why would you take your dad's money then?? Here you are, ranting that you can't believe I could be so ashamed to be gay and that it's pathetic, but, the next second, you are taking your father's money in return for your pride, your identity, that you seem SO proud of. Isn't that kind of hypocritical of you?"
He spit his words at me. "Are you for real? Then you don't know me at all."
Moulding me, letting me "see the light" helped Thane ease his guilty conscience. If he could help a confused homo come to terms with himself, that must somehow mean that he was proud of who he was and that taking his dad's money was of no consequence. Good one...he could go on thinking that. However long I tried to convince him, it would be futile...he had to realize it for himself.
"Why couldn't you work for your money?" I asked.
"I was sixteen, confused, alone. Don't preach if you have never been there."
"I get that...and I hurt for what you had to live with. I wish no kid experiences what you did. But, Thane, now you're almost 22. You still can't support yourself?"
"What will I do? Quit school and work as a manager at Mickey D's?"
"My parents don't pay for shit. I'm doing it. Student loan, summer jobs. It's not impossible." I paused and gave him a measured stare. "Granted, I don't get to have a drop-top car, a mansion or whatever else."
"Talking is much easier than doing it, eh. Besides, I'm the hypocrite?? Galen, you couldn't keep your mouth shut when you first saw my place. Right now, you're living it up with me. What the hell gives you the right to talk like that?!!"
Ouch! He had a point there.
I hung my head in shame. "I know. I feel bad that I did it. But, it's not too late. That's why we need to talk."
"Cut all this bullshit. Glad you grew a conscience. You want to break up, that's it, right?"
I nodded.
"Because you can't take the fact that I live like this?? This doesn't make sense at all." Thane took my hands that were resting on the table and covered them with his. His voice was controlled as he tried to sound sympathetic, "What's going on, baby? What changed for you?"
I was pleading now, "We are not right, Thane. I can't keep doing this to you, giving you the impression that I'm ready to devote to you.cuz I'm not. I used you, Thane. I...," I swallowed the sob that was rising, "I wanted to experience everything and you were like an enigma. You were everything that I wished I could be. You gave the finger to the world...I wanted to have the balls to do that too."
But, you can't give the finger, as much as you want to, cuz after you give it, then what?? You still gotta live with those people you just gave a finger to. That's life. That's our society.
He let go of my hand in frustration, "Look, you don't have to give me all these excuses. It kills me but I can't make you be with me. Just, give me enough respect to be truthful, ok? Some of the reasons you say might have some truth...but,"
I turned away from him, knowing where this was heading.
Thane's voice was crisp and clear, like a whip, "Galen, look at me." I turned, my face washed with guilt. His eyes narrowed as he gauged my reaction, "That can't be the reason for your 180. What the fuck went down when you went back?"
Silence.
Still, it spoke of my guilt. It shouted all that I couldn't get the courage to say. I am such a pathetic piece of shit...a sissy.
Thane took in my reaction and dropped his head, looking down at the table in front of him.
--- "Don't you wish for that sometimes? To just grow wings and fly away, from all the bullshit, and look at all those people you loathe, look down at them, while they are forced to look up at you. They can't chase you. They can't catch you. The sky is endless...no obstruction. Leave everything behind. You could go anywhere."
--- "Where would you go?"
Yeah, Galen...where would YOU go???
I took a deep breath. "Kenny kissed me."
To find myself.
Thane's head, which had been bowed, shot up. His eyes were frantic, looking at me, eyebrows narrowed, to see if I was joking. He saw what he needed to see. He turned away and looked out the window.
"I see. Did you kiss him back?"
I pictured the kiss. A longing started up in my heart. I missed Kenny. I saw myself sucking on his tongue. I was fucking hard.
No, no...Kenny is a scumfuck.
Stop thinking about him!
"Yes."
"Well...so, he's not straight then, is he?"
"I don't know...it doesn't matter..."
We were both silent. He was thinking everything out. I was waiting for him to stomp all over my heart. The silence was too eerie. I wanted something to happen, him to scream and yell...not to become stoic, staring out the window.
I couldn't take it. "Thane, please...say something..."
When he turned back to me, tears were dripping down his face. "Fourteen years...and all I have to offer you is - me. A few measly months. My fucked-up past. I understand." I went to wipe away his tears. He turned his face away from my hands. "Don't fucking touch me. Damn you!!"
Thane turned back to me, his eyes filled with spite, as he clapped his hands in an applause. "That was the best set-up yet, Galen. Props to you. I gotta hand it to you, man. You are good. I was actually starting to believe all that you were saying. All that guilt you were shoving down my throat at the beginning?? Really smooth. Hoping it would ease this news??"
"NO!! I meant what I said, Thane. Regardless of Kenny, we are not right."
He folded his hands across his chest and tried to smirk, but it was a cross between anger and pain. "Regardless of Kenny? Regardless of...? Fuck you, Galen! Just..." He shook his head as tears continued to flow. He wiped them away harshly and pointed the wet hand at me. "You don't deserve this, you know..."
I was barely keeping myself composed. I never predicted this to be so hard! Tears were streaming down my face as well. I whispered, "Thane..."
His eyes were full of pain and anger as he took in my face. "OH NO!! No!! You can't do that. You have NO RIGHT to cry. Not this time. You can't look like that, like I'm breaking your heart when it's the other way around. Stop looking like that.You can't make me feel sorry for you. This is about ME, Goddammit!! For once, this is about ME!!!"
I bit my lips, hoping to keep the tears within me. "I'm so fucking sorry...but...Thane, please..."
"Please what?? Stop making you feel bad??? Because now your life is perfect, why does it matter what the hell happens to Thane?? He's got his own bag-load of shit to deal with. Why deal with all that bullshit? You've got your Kenny. Why give a fuck about me, eh?"
"Thane...that's not how it is. I do care about you. I hope that we could still be friends. I'm ending this cuz of me, not Kenny. Besides, it doesn't matter what Kenny thinks. He's screwed up in the head. I don't even know if he wants me."
His eyes had hurt and pain clearly etched in them. The eyes had turned bright green. I missed the blue. "So you wanted to settle for me? Is that it? Was I a fucking consolation prize?!!"
Thane meant something to me, he really did. "No. I swear to you, it's not like that at all."
He lashed out, getting up from the chair and looking down at me. "How the fuck can you do this?!! You are a selfish bastard!!!! You know that? After everything I did for you? You were the only family I had...and you betrayed me. I shared my life with you. I trusted YOU!!!! Get the fuck out! NOW!"
He was openly sobbing now.
I stood up as well, helpless, trying in vain to cope with it all. "Thane, please let's not do this.."
He was screaming now. His face had turned red. "Do what?!!! I'm sorry, Galen. I guess, once again, you and your DAMN feelings HAVE TO come FIRST!!! Let's forget about ME!!! Even though I am the one who got cheated on...NO NO, far be it for me to FOR ONCE get pity and understanding from YOU!!! No, I have to always understand YOU! You used me, Galen, you used me to get over your own insecurities. Fuck you! FUCK YOU!"
I couldn't believe he said that. I felt every single one of his words ring true. All the more reason for me not to be with Thane, I hurt him so much. I am such a horrible person. NO wonder God gave me such awful parents and pain in my life. I deserved it. I deserved it all.
"Galen, you played with my feelings. I am not a fucking plastic toy. I feel pain. I bleed. You can't just get all your fun out of me, and leave me on the shelf to be forgotten."
"Oh my God, Thane, if only you knew how sorry I am at this very moment. I wish with all my heart that we ended things before anything happened with Kenny. You don't know how much I wish for that...but...I don't know how to change what happened. I can just say that I'm sorry. Truly, truly sorry."
Thane smiled a bitter smile. "It's a little too late for that."
I knew my heart was bleeding, but he continued. He had every right. I wanted to shoot myself for doing this to him.
For the first time, Thane told me exactly how he perceived me and at that moment, I wished I could turn back the hands of time.
"I loved you with candor. Oh Jesus, how I loved you. You were everything that was good, that was pure in my world. My fucked-up life didn't seem so bad anymore. You gave me faith that there was still goodness out there. Here you were, this guy whose family was so messed up, but, you still had hope. Everything you did, you would be led by your emotion. You never lied to me and when you tried, your face would give it away. Every time you hurt me, I would turn the other way, knowing that you would never do it intentionally. That it wasn't in you to be malicious, to be conniving. So, I would let it go. I couldn't ever imagine that you would consciously hurt me. Do you see how much I thought of you? But, I was wrong. So much for assumptions, eh?"
I was shocked, to say the least. I've never thought a person would look at me in such a way. I was not pure, I was not good. I was selfish and I did hurt Thane consciously. I should have stopped Kenny when he kissed me. But, I didn't.
Finally, I barely choked out my words. "I never knew you felt like that. See? You don't deserve me. I can't live up to that image. That's not me, Thane. You deserve someone who is good enough for you, who gives rather than takes from you. I'm so...sorry."
Thane wiped his eyes and shook his head as he whispered, "Fuck, just leave. Galen, please leave. I feel sick looking at you. It's clear what you want. Good luck. Wish you the best. Now I know why you couldn't completely be with me...," his voice was so pained. It broke me, shattering my wall of defense. I wanted so bad to take back my words. "Damn! How you played me. All the time, the whole fucking time you were with me...it was about Kenny. All about Kenny! Mr. Bad-ASS-don't-give-a-fuck!! HOW DO ASSHOLES LIKE HIM ALWAYS WIN??!!" He pounded the table with his fist, over and over again.
"No! Thane, oh God!!! That's not true!" I was crying too. I never expected it to be so hard. I might not have truly loved Thane, but I cared for him, deeply. I loved him as a friend. I wanted to help him get over his problems. I did, I really did. I just didn't want to BE with him. I would be hurting him even more staying with him out of pity. I still wanted us to be friends.
"Thane, you taught me so much. I was floored the first time I laid eyes on you. I wanted to be with you. So badly...so, so badly. I thought I was over Kenny. I loved him once. But I gave up on that before I came to University...and then like a fucking angel or something, you were given to me. I was so happy. You made me who I am. To be proud of who I am. You showed me a world that I didn't know existed. You were my happiness when everyone turned on me, even Kenny."
All of a sudden, it was like he had no more will to scream. He was drained. He had given up. He slowly sat himself down on the chair. I followed. He looked at me and smiled. It held so much sadness. His voice was only a whisper, "But..it wasn't enough. I offered you my all...and you still want Kenny."
I couldn't answer him right away. If I opened my mouth, I didn't think I could keep myself from breaking down. I took a deep breath and whispered, meaning every word, "I would give anything to feel differently, but I don't. I care about you. I do! I love you. But, I can't be with you. I'm not in love with you. I can't do that to you."
Thane didn't respond. We sat there in silence, in misery.
I couldn't take it anymore. The silence was horrible. "I wish I could do something to make this right, Thane."
"Like what? Go and jump into Kenny's arms while throwing it in my face?"
I grasped his hand tightly. I would never do that to Thane. I wanted him to know that. "NO!" I looked away. "Kenny and I are not together."
Thane let out a laugh. "I knew it."
I turned to him sharply. "What does that mean?"
He narrowed his eyes at me. "It's just that...oh never mind."
"No, tell me."
"We-ll, we're talking about Kenny O'Brien here. I've heard rumours about him around campus. He doesn't do relationships, does he?"
"Well, um...yes. I dunno. He just doesn't want to get serious with anyone just yet. He's not ready for that."
Thane smirked. "Ah, I see."
"What? What do you see?"
"It seems like your friend likes to play. He's never going to grow up. I knew a guy like that once. Once he got bored, he moved on. Oh sure, he would say bullshit that this one was 'it' and shit, but, that was just talk. He just liked stirring up trouble, just for his own kicks. No consideration for anyone else."
"If Kenny worked himself out and wanted to be with me, you think he would be like that?"
Thane held up his hand in defense. "Don't put words in my mouth. I'm just saying what I've heard around campus and people I've known."
" 'Cause, he's my best friend. He's just having issues dealing with his sexuality. We're different. He's not like that friend of yours."
"Whatever...it would be sad if you were just one of those conquests for him...considering... your relationship and all. That would be extra harsh."
I know I accused Kenny of doing that, kissing me just to create conflict between me and Thane, but I didn't really believe that was his reason behind the kiss. Or...maybe...I hoped that was not the reason. It very well could be...no...no...Kenny wouldn't do that to me.
"Thane, you don't know Kenny. He is a lot of things, but he's not a player or whatever. The girls that he messes around with know the deal. They want the same thing too. He doesn't lead them on. He has more respect for them than that. What happened between me and him is personal. This isn't about Kenny. Please, don't bring him into this. I know I've hurt you and you have every reason to hate me, but please don't demean my friendship with Kenny. However fucked-up it may seem to the outside world...he's still my best friend. It's not so easy to walk away from him. But, I have to deal with that on my own. As I said, regardless of Kenny, you and I, we're not meant to be together as lovers. Friends, yes...but..."
None of this 'Kenny' bullshit. This was about Thane and me. Just us. We were not right. That's the main point. That's the only point.
Thane didn't like my comment apparently. "I guess I was the only one who thought that we were actually building something here. My bad."
"I'm sorry."
"You keep on saying that." His eyes held mine and then they widened as if realization sank in. "Holy fuck! All that time...you didn't want to fuck...are you seriously waiting for Kenny?"
I know I turned red from head to toe. "NO!"
Thane laughed. "Tell me, did he wait for you?" He raised his eyebrow and tapped his index finger on his pursed lips. "Or...maybe...just...maybe...every night he fucks those chicks, he's really thinking of YOU as he fondles their big titties and eats out their pussies. I can see how you could think that." He paused and rolled his eyes to accentuate his sarcasm. "I mean, come on! The similarities between you and those chicks are endless!"
I was hurt, "Stop it, Thane. I said I was sorry."
He didn't stop. He didn't swear much, or talk using vulgar words, but, I guess something in him snapped. He was on a roll today. "I don't believe in bi or whatever. Either a person likes cock or they like cunt. They can't like both because if they did, they're just fooling themselves. Then, it's called denial. And knowing Kenny's appetite for fish, wow, that must be some denial then."
I didn't believe that. Nothing could be so simple, especially when it came to sexuality. There were so many gradients. When it came to the nature of human being, nothing was set in stone. He could like both...or maybe, Galen, you idiot, you're just hoping he liked both.
--- "Call it scratching a curiosity itch. Nothing more."
I wanted to shake my head of all thought. "Thane, I don't want to talk about Kenny and me. That's something completely different. Please stop."
"Well, I hope the wait is worth it. I hope he gives you the fuck of your life!" Thane sneered, "I'm SORRY...I meant...make love."
I didn't want to hear anymore. "Thane, that's enough. Please stop!"
"Not a problem. Goodbye, Galen."
He left, went into his room and locked me out. My best friend, when the world turned its back to me, shut me out.
I tried knocking on his door. All I heard was silence. I begged and pleaded outside the door. I don't know when I fell asleep, still sitting outside his door. When I awoke, his door was open. I rushed in. I had to see if he was ok. He was gone. I was like a fucking madman, searching the whole apartment. Our apartment...his apartment. Oh fuck! He was nowhere to be seen.
I finally found a note on the bed in the guestroom:
Gone for two weeks. Should give you enough time to pack up. I ordered a U-HAUL. Just call them the day before you need them. Number's on the fridge. Don't worry about it. It's paid for. It'll go as far as you ask it to.
Thane
No Thane. Please, not like this. Fuck! I should star in my own soap opera. I wanted this ride to end. I knew everything was too perfect. Kenny kissed me. it wouldn't end there. For one moment of happiness, God would balance the scale.
I didn't want to start my art gallery job. I wanted comfort, a home. When I called my mother asking her if I could move back, she pretty much gloated the whole time, letting me know that she predicted everything: me not being able to survive on my own. She knew I was not old enough, not mature enough for such 'foolishness' as she called it.
Fuck THIS!
I finally settled for the apartment that I originally looked at. It was a step up from a rat hole, but it was better than living back home. Plus, the place was available immediately. I wanted to leave Thane's place as soon as possible. I already felt like shit about what I did to Thane, I didn't want to keep him out of his apartment also. The sooner I moved out, the sooner he could go on with his life, without me.
I called my own rental vehicle. I was through taking advantage of Thane, so I never called the U-HAUL place. And there it was...a couple of days later - I was in my new pad. My own pad. All my own. Not sharing with anyone. I was here, living, alone...and I was...surviving. I was alive. I didn't need anyone. The thought was liberating.
I started my job. It was amazing. I was doing something I loved. I was depending on myself and I was happy. Finally.
I had emailed Thane with my new phone number and address, letting him know where I was, what I was up to. I apologized again and let him know how horrible I felt about everything, hoping that he could find it in his heart to forgive me, so that we could be friends. He was one of the few good ones...this world needs more people like that. I still wanted him in my life. But, I didn't expect a response to the email. I didn't get one either.
I also emailed Hannah, apologizing for ignoring her and not keeping in better contact with her. She emailed back. She was in town as well. She got a research job in a lab. I was so happy for her! We chilled during the weekends. She became my confidante. I told her about my life, my problems. It was theraputic...getting it all out. She was a very good listener.
Life was looking up again.
Although I wanted to run to Kenny, begging him to come with me, I didn't. He already knew how I felt about him for all those years. If he wanted me, he would have to do it himself. He was the asshole that morning. He had to come apologize, and that was a rarity for Kenny. Oh well. I was tired of reading between the lines of his jokes and innuendoes. I wanted him to just one day shed his bullshit, "tough guy", can't-talk-about -"feelings" act...and just...say it. Don't worry...I wasn't holding my breath on that.
Hannah came over to my place one weekend. She brought me cooked spaghetti as a housewarming gift. I cocked my eyebrows at her. The chick hated to cook. She shrugged but a smirk appeared on her face.
What the blood?
I looked at the food and realization dawned on me. The sneaky li'l bitch!
I laughed. "One of these days, we're gonna get our asses in the hands of the Popos."
"They'll love it. A hot chick and a hot queer. They won't know what to do with themselves. Cream their pants, I'm sure...now, shut up, and eat up."
We ate (tasted horrible, will have a hard-ass stomach tomorrow...ah well), enjoyed each other's company and let our imaginations go wild. We saw leprechauns dancing on my couch, the furniture grow legs and move, the Cheshire cat smile, the Madhatter's tea party, the caterpillar smoking through his hookah while sitting on his special 'shroom, and I don't know about Hannah, but I saw Kenny come to me and take me in his arms and tell me that he loved me. All hallucinations, all cuz of the 'shrooms. Only cuz of the 'shrooms.
It's like Whoa!
After we slowly floated down from our high, we just sat on the couch and let the summer days melt away.
We enjoyed the silence. I didn't feel like talking much but Hannah sensed something was up. She was always the perceptive one.
"So, you're missing him, eh?"
"Yeah..." What?! What was she talking about?
I looked over at her, my eyes questioning her. "Wait, who?"
She smirked, "Who were you thinking of when you said "Yeah"?"
Yes, of course I blushed, "Never mind."
She blew a stray hair from her face, "That's right, keep it all in...so that it boils over and scorches everything in sight. MEN!! Gay, bi, straight...you're all the same."
Ok, this was definitely the 'srooms. If you are happy, it's amazing hallucinations!!! If you're pissed...it's a bitch of a time!! She was in a very depressed mood, confrontational even. I didn't want to get into it. "Hannah, you wouldn't understand."
"Of course not. It's a man thing, right?? Not talking about problems?? Putting up a front?? Keeping it all in?? Of course I wouldn't understand. I don't have a dick, so I can't possibly think with it like you all. Pity me!"
She turned around on the couch so that she fully faced me, and actually poked my chest with her finger. Her eyes were ablaze. "Listen, just because you can pull that thing out and piss anywhere you want 'cause God gave you this AMAZING ability to piss standing up, doesn't mean that, by default, you have to all be bastards."
She had recently broken up with her loser boyfriend after he told her that he wanted to go back to his ex. I personally think that man should be committed for such a decision. But, poor Hannah. This was the time period where she hated everything with a dick.
"What??! Are you having penis envy?" So, that wasn't the best thing to say. She punched me on my arm. "OW!!" Chick had some 'umpf' in her. She reminded me a lot of Cat, before Cat got "sick". "Sorry!! Jeez!! PMS??"
She ignored me and continued on with her ranting, "Kenny was a bastard to you. You were a bastard to him. Either you both keep on going back and forth being bastards to each other, or, God forbid, GROW UP, tuck your cocks firmly between your legs, and with that, your invented pride, and talk about it."
I yelled at her, "HEY, FOR YOUR INFO, MISS BITCH...I WAS NOT A BASTARD TO HIM!! I TOLD HIM I WAS GAY, AND BEING MY BEST FRIEND, HE PUNCHED MY LIGHTS OUT!!! DO YOU NOT SEE THAT??!!!" Ok, so I was getting a little angry. I had my own issues too.
Hannah, in turn, was the embodiment of calmness all of a sudden, which got me more pissed. "Just 'cause you can scream louder doesn't mean your point is more valid, Galen."
My cock was firmly tucked between my legs as I looked down and whispered, "Fuck you. I don't need this psychoanalysis. I thought you came to cheer me up."
"I did."
I sighed. "Sorry for yelling." She was going through a rough time too, so I spoke quietly and calmly, trying to explain to her the logic behind the whole situation between me and fuckface (Kenny). "Hannah, I was willing to take him back after Owen's wedding, even though he was the same asshole who hit me that day when I came out to him. Now, who's the bastard?? I mean, really??"
Her eyes were skeptical. "So, let me get this straight. You, in all your innocence, told him: Kenny, my dear best friend for practically my whole life, I am gay...and he turned around and socked you? Doesn't seem like Kenny."
Memories flooded my brain:
--- "I want you to watch, Kenny. You want to watch your best friend get fucked up the ass by a guy?"
--- "That day you were fucking waiting for me?" ...because...because you just learnt that Mama Brien was in a car accident...and you wanted to talk to me, get comfort from your best friend...I was...
--- "I had been at a FUCKING bar with Thane. We drank. He took me back to his apartment and he..."
OH SHIT!
Well, Kenny HAD provoked me. But, I jumped to the bait. I was just as bad, if not worse. I stooped to his level, therefore, I could not justify my actions and condemn him for his. But, Hannah didn't need to know that.
I gulped, and cleared my throat. "Well...I said those words...more or less..." I shrugged my shoulders and added. "Maybe, you know, give or take a few words here and there. Whatever."
She squinted her eyes at me. "Uh huh. And I'm the Queen of England."
I shot her a glance.
She kept examining me and then, finally nodded. "Then, you're right. He was at fault. He was the asshole. Right?"
I think I hesitated too long and I know my face turned red. "Err...yeess..."
"OK then, it's settled. You're Mr. Innocent and Kenny's a bastard. He is notorious for being a bastard. It's so convenient to blame everything on him, no one will question it. Why not? One more won't hurt."
"Fuck this shit. Don't take his side when you don't even know what went down."
"Tell me!! Galen, it's eating you up. TELL ME WHAT WENT DOWN!! MAKE ME UNDERSTAND!! I'm tired of waiting around until you finally feel ready to talk about it. Tell me what's going on??"
"NOTHING!! Abso-fucking-lutely nothing!!!"
"Why aren't you and him together?"
"Because he doesn't want me. He made that absolutely, painfully, trust me, painfully clear."
"Why?"
"Why?? Why?? Why are peroxide blonde bimbos and idiotic boybands making all the money while talent gets lost?? Why do we have to eat the red smarties last?? Why?? I don't Goddamned know why!!! That's what I'm trying to figure out."
Hannah was not amused by my outburst.
We kept quiet, both trying to keep from blowing up at one another.
But, Hannah wanted to do this today. She spoke, "So tell me how else Kenny wronged you. He punched you. What else? Because the morning after your kiss when you so wanted Kenny to make a commitment to you...he turned into a jackass?"
This time, I did not hesitate. I was not at fault AT ALL on this one. I was sure. "YES! I laid myself out there for him, everything for him to take, and he...," I choked back a sob, "and...as expected, my Kenny didn't disappoint me. He told me that...that it, the kiss, was just a fucking curiosity itch. Nothing more."
"Ouch...that's pretty harsh."
I didn't say anything in response. Finally, she was seeing where I was coming from.
"But, did you ask him why he was being cold or did you turn it into another world- renowned Galen Pity Party and feel sorry for your poor self?"
"What? NO! I asked him. I pleaded with him to open up, to trust someone...to give someone a chance."
"What was his answer?"
"He didn't really answer...he just turned all cold, like he always does when he fucking wants to avoid shit."
"So, you asked him again? Or blew up? Or started crying?"
"I...I..why am I always making the first move with him?"
"What?? It's like you both have grown up but your friendship is stuck at like age 8. What is this?? Why are you having to go first??? Why not him?? This is so petty. How old are you again??"
"Hannah, I can't. Why am I always having to understand HIM?"
"Because Galen, if I remember correctly, the look on your face that day in the Student Union when I asked you if you were gay...do you know how absolutely horrified you were? I felt gutted doing that to you...when you weren't ready. Your mechanism was to flee, that's your personality...maybe Kenny's is to shield himself with a facade of coldness, of superficial confidence. That's his personality!
"Just because you are ready to commit after a kiss, doesn't mean Kenny is. Just because you already dealt with your sexuality, doesn't mean that after a kiss, your hero, Mr. Superhuman Kenny, will suddenly come riding on a fucking white horse and proclaim that he wants to dedicate himself to you. You took your sweet time dealing with it all, give Kenny the same chance. You always said Thane pushed you...what are you doing to Kenny?"
I stared at her, my jaw hanging wide open. Could it be?
Holy fuck!
No! I was not at fault. Kenny is a goddamned, motherfucking, grade-A bastard. "This is a completely different case, and you know it, Hannah."
"Why? Because it doesn't fit nicely into the mold that helps you hold on to your illusions?"
"What illusions?"
"The ones where you, Galen Walsh, are never at fault. Forget for a moment how badly Kenny wronged you. Whether he becomes your lover or not, first and foremost, he's your best friend! Honey, he needs your help, your understanding. He needs his best friend through this time. He is probably so frustrated, so confused, so alone...and you are adding to it all by staying mad at him."
"Kenny is the type of person who doesn't ever NEED help."
"No, he's the type of person who never asks for help, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't need it. Come on, babe..."
I closed my eyes and tried to block out everything around me. When I opened them and looked over at Hannah, she was examining me like a specimen under a microscope. I couldn't stand it. "WHAT?"
She rolled her eyes at me. "All right, Galen. I don't give a fuck which way this goes. It's time. Let me enlighten you with some things about yourself that you are trying so fucking hard to deny. This is how it goes. Listen, and listen well. A lady such as myself does not like to repeat herself."
"All right, your majesty," I replied dryly.
She chose to ignore my sarcasm and went on with her speech, forcing me to listen. "Maybe if you stopped always feeling like the world is out to hurt you, and that you're always the victim, you can actually start to see that others are just as fragile as you. That they are also human. Especially those who are your heroes: Kenny...Thane...Aidan..."
"I don't do that."
"If you want pity, ask for it. If you want the truth, fucking accept it." She huffed, "God knows, most times, it's staring at you smack dab in the face."
I didn't have a witty comeback to that. I could only steer the topic in another direction. "So, Kenny was scared and that's why he tried to hurt me that morning after our kiss? Even though in the tree-house right after our kiss he seemed perfectly OK admitting to his bisexuality?? This doesn't make sense."
"Galen, learn to see every side. Not just the side that is biased towards your favour. It doesn't always have to make sense. It's all emotions. It's irrational! You have convinced yourself that you are a sissy, a naive person...and you project those views on others...so much so that you blame everything wrong on those reasons: Because you were a sissy, you got taken advantage of, because you were naive, people hurt you. Do these excuses never get tiring?"
I failed to come up with words. I was too busy picking up the pieces of my self-image that I had held on to for eighteen years.
Hannah spoke again, "Do you love him?"
I stayed silent, frustration building in me, my mind wanting me to say one thing, my heart saying another. "Yes...no...I don't know."
"Which is it?"
"It's complicated. You don't know our history. Kenny had always had this...this...hold... on me. He was like my God back when we were kids. I completely looked up to him. I don't know if it's still just that...admiration or more...love."
"You did that with Thane too...make him grander than he really was."
I was not liking my mistakes being so blatantly pointed out. I gritted my teeth. "Yeeess."
"But, you don't love Thane. You know that. Why are you unsure about Kenny? What's different in this case?"
I raked my hands through my hair. "That's what I don't know. I feel like it's - time. That I'm doing it all because for so long it was all about Kenny. I've gotten used to it so much. Fourteen years...no, now, FIFTEEN years..."
"So, you think you love him because of time? Or maybe it's cause and effect?"
"What Science bullshit are you spouting?"
"Maybe...you're holding on because you have already invested so much time...or...just maybe...time is the cause and the effect is that it has formed a bond between you and Kenny that is special. Even with all the bullshit. With so much time, even if both of you were not completely open with each other, inevitably something had to penetrate...some piece of him had to be affected. You had to have seen SOMETHING about Kenny that no one has. Because of time, the memories...the joys you shared...the pain..."
"He's an asshole. You don't understand how happy I was when he kissed me. I had waited for that moment for so long and then to see him like he was the next day..."
"Back to square one. Whoopee! Ok, look babe, I don't know Kenny well...but, ok, he's a righteous bastard. I can tell that. It's like he has no care about anything. He fucks so many chicks. He's a slut!"
I interrupted her, "HEY! Don't call him that!" Even though I was pissed at him, even though I would call him the same name, it didn't seem right coming from anyone else's mouth but mine. Twisted, I know.
Hannah looked bemused. "Sorry...but, seriously. He knows it too. Boy is smart. He knows that the chicks are sleeping with him for status. 'Oooh, I banged the hot basketball stud. Aren't I popular now?' Even for someone like him, that must start to get old."
I snorted and rolled my eyes. "He's 20. I hardly doubt he's searching for true-love."
"Maybe that's his problem. He wasn't searching for it. It found him and bit his self- conceited ass and shook him so bad that it made him realize some things that he just isn't ready to admit yet. Regardless of how good he puts up an act of self-confidence - even going as far as confidently admitting to his bi tendencies."
I know I was being difficult now, like a whiny, little kid. Sue me. "I don't care. I'm not making the first move. I always go to him first and I end up getting hurt."
She ignored me. "Like I said...Kenny could give less of a shit about anyone. If he sees someone is about to bump into something, he will hardly ever speak up to warn them. Rather, he would laugh at the situation. That's Kenny for you. But, with you, it's different. He actually gives a damn. He actually has opinions about your life."
"He needs to feel that he can control me. He likes bossing me around. That's all."
"Partly, or maybe...beyond it all...he actually cares?? Maybe he was so scared after the kiss...seeing his whole life changing...and thinking that he will drag you into the mess that is his identity crisis and hurt you even more, especially when you already had happiness with Thane...maybe he was a bastard so that you would let him go??? Maybe...just maybe...think about it."
I really didn't like all the hope that Hannah's comments started to bring to me. The higher one reaches, the harder it will hurt when they fall. I wasn't ready to let my hopes reach that high.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore, Hannah."
She smiled for the first time since this "conversation" and gently stroked my cheek. "You're so fucking handsome, babe," then she smacked the back of my head, "and so fucking clueless regarding your own mistakes!"
I was hurt by that comment as I massaged my head. I'm sure it showed on my face.
She gently shook her head, "Oh, baby...not like you don't think you are capable of making mistakes, but more like, you can't believe that you getting hurt might be your fault as well. It's a shame that you don't realize that about yourself, that you doubt yourself so much, doubt that someone can be just as affected by you, that you can hurt someone too.
"But, I guess that's part of your allure. The innocence in every thing that you do. Shit, the innocence with which you hurt others...and you don't even know it. You ignored me, Galen, after you moved in with Thane, but, I couldn't stay mad at you. You were so fucking clueless to how others felt around you. You were too giddy being with your first, rich, good-looking, perfect boyfriend - Thane. I didn't have the heart to cuss you out."
She elbowed me. "But, I'm not going to make this about me today. All this talk...it's just...Dammit! Why can't you ever accept that a problem arose because you both were irrational. Not because you let your guard down and someone came and hurt you, but that you chose to feel hurt, rather than feel guilt."
I shook my head vehemently. "No. I don't. I'm not like that."
Hannah frowned. She was getting frustrated. "Tell me, why didn't you want to see your brother Aidan? Is it because you finally realized that he wasn't perfect? That he wasn't a superhero?? But, your brother? A human who is vulnerable and is allowed to make mistakes? When he left that day, were you mad at him or mad at yourself for thinking that he was perfect when he's not??"
I shook my head so hard that I almost dislodged it. "What?? That's not it!"
She didn't say a word. I wanted her to scream at me, yell at me. I think I wanted her to convince me otherwise.
We both just sat there. My mind was going crazy...Hannah's words ringing in my ears. Making me doubt my own self. Maybe she was right.
I finally whispered, "I can't be like this. Hannah, I'm not like that. Am I??" My eyes were frantically trying to see some kind of opposition from Hannah. She said nothing. I buried my face in my hands. "Oh God! I'm such a fucking horrible person!"
"There you go again. The fucking innocence. The self-pity. It's like...all that I'm saying to you...I don't think you're getting it."
She tapped her temple. "You THINK you should feel bad and that's why you're feeling bad."
She placed her hand over my heart. "Not because you actually feel that way. You're trying...really, really hard to understand. I see it...and that's why I can't get upset at you. You're like a little kid...you know?
"Like a little boy dressed up in his Dad's clothing. His face automatically hardens and there's a swagger in his steps but his eyes are unsure, because he only THINKS that's what's expected. He doesn't believe it completely. He doesn't believe that a swagger and calm coldness makes a real man. He's waiting for more.
"YOU ARE always waiting for something more. Waiting for someone to come by and show you that you are a man, that you are not a sissy, that you are not naive, that you have a RIGHT and OBLIGATION to take sole responsibility for your life finally, and with that, your mistakes, your pain.
"Because if you were to admit that to yourself, you know, the protective barrier that you keep up, will have to crumble. It's so much easier to play the victim card, so that you don't have to feel guilty. That's not right, Galen. I know...it's a scary thought...but... it's time, Galen. Don't thrust the responsibility of your happiness, your identity, on others like Kenny or Thane...it's really not fair to them. Especially Kenny. He has been playing the part for fifteen years without even letting you know. Most others would have ran, he has stuck around. That says something about what he feels for you."
I stayed silent. I didn't know how to answer. I can't believe I had been so dependent, so needy.
Finally, I whispered, more to myself than to her, "I truly am a sissy, eh?"
Hannah smiled a sad smile. "The only person who believes that the most is you. And as long as you keep on believing it, it will be true."
She sighed and continued. "Just...do me a favour?"
I was ready to do anything to get her to stop talking about me like that. I was blushing like crazy. I was humiliated at myself...dammit...but what Hannah was saying: I shouldn't feel humiliated but rather, do a reality check on who I am.
I was so confused.
I nodded and waited.
She smiled. "Have more faith in yourself. I could bet a million dollars that you hurt Kenny just as much as you think he hurt you." With that, she kissed my lips gently and went to put the dishes in the sink.
I called out to her, "Hannah..." She turned and raised an eyebrow in question. I smiled. "Thanks."
She stuck her tongue out at me and went into the kitchen.
I leaned my head back on the couch and sighed. I had to re-evaluate a lot of things about my life.
Damn the drugs! I wanted more...because...well...reality...not always welcomed.
I had been living alone for almost two months now.
Life was pleasant, no uncalled-for surprises. I liked predictability in my life. I had also joined the gym and was filling out pretty nicely, if I do say so myself. I was actually getting some definition. At least I wasn't scrawny anymore.
Two more months left of summer. I was enjoying it thoroughly. Every thing I did, I was doing for me, not worrying about how it affected someone else or any of that bullshit. I was free.
Hannah's words were still bothering me, itching at me...making me look at myself in a whole new light. I think...making me grow up.
The conversation made me realize just how much of a closed-minded, self-righteous jackass I had been...and that, I should follow up on my actions. Apologize to Thane again. NOT KENNY! I was still pissed at him, even if he was going through some identity confusion, he didn't have to be so hurtful towards me.
Still no news from Thane. After my revelation (aka, conversation with Hannah), I tried really hard to re-evaluate everything in my life. As I mentioned, conclusion I reached: I was a big jerk and most times, brought all my misfortune on myself and then had the audacity to blame it on others around me that loved and cared for me.
I wanted to set things right with Thane. I called Thane's place, always getting his answering machine. I know he saw my number and refused to pick up. I talked to the answering machine, feeling stupid 'cause it was just a machine, but nonetheless, pouring my heart out, hoping that my words reached Thane's ear. I apologized for everything that I did, for being such a self-centered jerk, for hurting him. I wanted him to know that whenever he was sad or upset about his dad, anything, that he could come to me, without a thought and I would try to help him, as best as I could. He was my friend, and I wanted to make sure he knew how truly important he was to me.
I tried: emails, phone messages, even writing him a letter and passing it to Gina to give it to him. No news...no reply. That was ok. He had every right to not reply, but at least, he knew how I really felt now. I was sorry that I couldn't give him more than friendship, but, I did still wanted him as a friend. Very much so. I just hoped HE still wanted to be my friend...after everything.
It was a Tuesday night. I had just come back from working out and had one of the most amazing showers. I jerked off to the image of Kenny like so many times before, but for once, there was no longing afterwards. I was content. Don't ask me why.
There was a knock on the door. Damn that girl. Hannah always found the wrong time to come over. Well, might as well give her a good show. I walked to the door with a towel wrapped around my waist and my hair still dripping wet. I opened the door, a sexy pose all ready for her.
It wasn't Hannah.
Author's Endnote: I write, you write. Simple. No? wereallmadhere@hotmail.com