It was Christmas and I was in my car making the eight hour drive to my parent's house. I should have been happy but I wasn't because Dave wasn't with me. I hadn't driven home by myself in three years and I hadn't faced a Christmas without seeing him in eleven.
I was twenty-five years old and I was still hopelessly in love with Dave.
Dave was six feet two inches tall with brown eyes and dark brown hair. His face usually had three days worth of stubble and he dressed like a former jock if that was a style. His body wasn't as muscular as when he was playing football, but he was still in great shape and I still loved every inch of him. I'd been there for every major change that happened to his body and he'd been there for mine even if there weren't many changes in my case. In high school I had the body of a 5'7" skinny teenage boy. Seven years later I still had the body of a 5'7" skinny teenage boy. I wanted muscles like Dave but that wasn't in the cards for me.
Dave and I went to the same schools from kindergarten through high school. We had been in the same class for first grade and second grade but we didn't notice each other until seventh grade. Our teacher paired us together for an in-class assignment on the fourth day of class and the sparks flew right away. I won't say it was love at first sight, but we definitely recognized something in the other that seemed familiar. Years later we'd talk about that day and I would tell him I thought he was so unbelievably cute and I kept doing dumb things because my stomach was in knots and he would tell me that he thought I was trying to be funny on purpose and he knew he had to be friends with me because he couldn't look at me and not smile.
I was such an idiot that day. I forgot my name, I stuttered, I wrote his name on my paper instead of mine, I dropped my pencil a few times, I bit my tongue, I leaned back in my chair and fell. Basically the universe conspired against me and everything that could go wrong did. At least that's what I thought at first. In retrospect the universe loved me because every mistake made David want to be around me more. He thought I was a clown. I would have been insulted if he had called me one, but he didn't. He just smiled at me and laughed and his laugh sounded so sweet and disarming that I just smiled back at him and kept fumbling through our assignment.
I almost peed my pants from excitement when he asked for my phone number so we could hang out some time. I gave him the wrong number but I corrected myself right away. He ripped out a sheet of paper and wrote his number. My hand shook when he handed it to me.
We were the last students to leave the room for lunch and we walked out of class together and talked all the way. He asked me to sit with him and I knew I was blushing so I tried not to look directly at him. My nerves vanished as we began talking about things other than schoolwork. To say we were fast friends would be an understatement. We were instant friends. Being near him and touching his arm or poking his cheek seemed like things I had always done and unlike the other boys I had known, he didn't mind. He laughed when I ran my fingers though his hair and ruined the natural part he had. He said it tickled when I poked under his arm and he tickled under my arm in retaliation. There was a natural ease and friendliness about the way we interacted and I think deep down he was attracted to me too but he didn't know it yet.
We were best buddies after that day. It only took us two geniuses about a month to figure out that we were only about a fifteen minute bike ride from each other. I would have ridden two or three hours to see him but I couldn't tell him that. Once we realized how close our homes were, we became inseparable.
My father thanked the Lord that I met David because David was in to sports and roughhousing and all the things that screamed young virile man in training. I had always been what my father referred to as "sensitive" to my face and "like a sissy" when he thought I couldn't hear him. My father tried everything to make me less sensitive. When I was five and he caught me playing with my three year old sister's Barbie doll, he spanked me. When he caught me playing with the doll again he threw it away and told my mother to keep me away from Annie's dolls. My mother obeyed him. Every time my little fingers touched one of Annie's dolls, my mother would quickly snatch it out of my hand. I started sneaking in to Annie's room to play with her dolls.
The worst spanking I ever received came when I was seven and Annie's missing Ken doll magically appeared under my bed. My father didn't believe my excuse that Annie must have put it there to get me in trouble. I was lying through my teeth and he knew it so I got one spanking for playing with the doll and another for lying about it. I think he wanted to spank me in to submission but we both knew I was hopeless.
My father tried to get me interested in sports and he enrolled me in soccer and tee ball and yelled at me from the sidelines when I lazed around the field and displayed my complete disinterest for everyone to see. I was all that a stereotypical gay child should be and nothing that my father wanted me to be. He did his best to change who I seemed destined to become but he should have known that he couldn't change destiny.
From a young age I knew I was different and I knew I disappointed my father and I was ashamed of myself and embarrassed that I loved playing with dolls and hated sports. David changed all of that. He embraced my idiosyncrasies and he made me feel special because of them. David loved everything about me unconditionally. The way David treated me like a normal person caused me to re-evaluate how my father treated me. When Dave came to visit, he was treated like the son and I was treated like the unwanted guest. It hurt and when I told Dave how much it hurt, he stopped playing catch with my father and my older brother and he stopped talking sports with them. He focused his attention on me and what I wanted to do and for the first time in my life I felt good about myself and I didn't have intense guilt over the things I liked.
When we were in eighth grade, Dave got the crazy idea that we should cement our friendship by sharing our deepest darkest secrets. I confided in David that when I was younger I loved playing with my sister's dolls but my father made it close to impossible for me to do it because he thought it was too girly. David kissed my cheek and told me it wasn't too girly then he revealed his secret.
His voice was soft and shaky as he whispered in my ear, "Lately, I've been wondering what it would feel like to kiss you." I blushed but he couldn't see it because his lips were still about an inch away from my ear. All I could hear was the sound of my heart running a marathon in my chest and I couldn't say anything. The moment became a memory right away and I replayed his words in my head over and over again until he whispered, "Would you let me kiss you?"
The stuttering that had afflicted me the first time we talked came back, "Ye, uh, ye, yes."
He started breathing rather loudly in my ear and seconds later his soft lips were pressed against the side of my face again, but it felt completely different than any other time he had kissed me on my cheek. For one thing, it wasn't his usual quick peck. The kiss lasted a good three seconds before his lips began to glide across the side of my face planting tender kisses until he kissed right next to my lips. I was delightfully afraid of turning my head and giving him full access to my lips. One of my biggest fantasies was about to come true and I had to work up the courage to move. He put his hand on the back of my neck and I turned my head towards him.
I had been masturbating to thoughts of Dave since he taught me about masturbation during the summer after seventh grade. I got excited just thinking about him kissing me. My head was a flurry of thoughts during the millisecond it took for his lips to make contact with mine. When our lips met, my thoughts simply ceased to exist. His tongue pushing against my lips brought me back from wherever my mind had gone and I parted my lips just enough for his tongue to slip in my mouth. To my chagrin, the kiss ended quickly. I opened my eyes and I stared at David as he stared at me. It was clear that neither of us knew what to say but neither of us felt bad about what we had just done.
Dave reached out and touched my lips with his index finger. He traced my bottom lip and looked at my lips like he wanted to kiss them again. "Your lips are nice," he said.
"Thanks. So are yours." He moved his finger away from my bottom lip and gave me a small peck on the lips.
He pulled back and smiled at me. "I liked kissing you."
"Good because I liked you kissing me." I knew it sounded stupid the way I said it but I didn't know how stupid until David started laughing.
Between laughs, he said, "You'd be the perfect girlfriend. You always know what to say."
If my father had made any reference to me being like a girl I would have wanted to cry but hearing David say I'd be the perfect girlfriend caused all the butterflies in my stomach to flutter. David stopped laughing and his hand started slowly moving up my thigh. I looked down at his hand and watched it inch towards my private area then I turned to look at David and our noses bumped because he was coming in for another kiss. His lips had barely touched mine when his mother yelled up that our Chinese food had arrived. The last thing I wanted to do was separate from him and eat food, but we had no choice.
Driving down the highway eleven years later, I still remembered exactly how I felt that day in David's bedroom when our relationship officially began and we went from best friends to best friends with benefits. Our experimentation was fairly tame in the beginning. We did a lot of kissing and petting but that was about it. Anything new that we did or tried usually was David's idea. He was always ahead of me when it came to sexual issues and he all but admitted to me later that the whole sharing our deepest darkest secret thing was just a ploy so he could tell me he wanted to kiss me.
That year for Christmas, I went over David's house in the evening. We had already exchanged presents so I was surprised when he took me to his room and handed me another present. I shook it.
"What is this?" I asked.
"Just open it." I carefully unwrapped the present and I became quite emotional when I saw that he had bought me a Barbie doll. I was too old to yearn to play with dolls with the same fervor I once had for them, but I wasn't too old to appreciate the sweetest gesture anyone had made towards me. "It's your very own Barbie and you can leave her here so you don't have to worry about your father," he explained.
I hugged him and kissed him and thanked him profusely for the gift. David had always made me feel like he was okay with who I was and his gift said not only was he okay with who I was but that he thought it was okay to be that way. He had never tried to limit my expression of myself yet he had never overtly encouraged it either. That simple gift freed me of all the guilt I had felt about disappointing my father and never being able to be the son he wanted. The gift marked the first time in my life that I told myself I didn't care what my father thought and he could go screw himself if he couldn't accept me for who I was because I wasn't going to change.
David and I continued to grow closer after that Christmas and I began to come out of my shell. I stopped being conscientious of my behavior at school and I just let loose. I didn't care if I came across effeminate and people began picking up on the difference in my behavior and mannerisms. Not holding back any part of me was a great feeling because I wasn't concerned about censoring myself so I didn't have to think out every word I said. It took me about a month to open up all the way and that's when the rumors began to spread.
One day David and I were sitting at our usual table talking to our friends and one of our friends, Peter, asked the question that was probably on the tip of everyone's tongue. Peter looked me square in my eyes and asked, "Are you gay?"
I could have lied and I probably should have but they were supposed to be my friends and I didn't want to lie to them. "I think I am," I responded.
They all looked to David for a reaction and David put his arm around me and said, "You better be." I understood what he meant but the guys thought he was trying to make a joke so they laughed.
"Yeah, he is kind of obvious," Peter remarked.
"Am I really?"
"Yes!" Peter and Dave yelled together and that made them laugh harder.
When they finished laughing, Peter asked, "What does that mean? Are you like attracted to us now?"
"Eww, no! I'm not attracted to any of you."
"Not even David?" Peter teased. I must have blushed about ten shades of pink and red. "Oh my goodness! You are!"
"No, no," I protested.
"It's okay," Dave interjected, "you can tell them you're my special friend. I'm not ashamed of us."
"You too, David?" Peter asked.
"No, not David," Ricky said. "David is just getting off or something because he's so going to marry a girl."
"Only if that girl is named Jamie Minkley," David replied right before he kissed me on my cheek for all of them to see.
"You know you guys really shouldn't broadcast that," Howard warned as he stood up. "It's disgusting and so are the both of you."
"Oh shut up!," Peter shouted. "My Uncle Bert is gay and he's not disgusting."
"If you can't see what's wrong with it then there's something wrong with you." Howard looked at the two of us and scrunched up his nose. "I think I'm going to be sick. How could you, ugh, I don't even want to think about it!" He looked at Leroy and said, "Come on Leroy!"
Leroy followed Howard around like a sick puppy so none of us was surprised when Leroy stood and left. Peter's attention returned to us. "So are you two like a couple now?"
"Haven't they always been one?" Ricky joked.
Peter shook his head, "Yeah, I guess they have."
I was surprised that Ricky was taking the news so well because Ricky was the one I was worried the most about. I had already heard Peter mention that his Uncle was gay so I assumed he would be cool with it, but Ricky, well Ricky was about as close to being a devout Christian as anyone could get. He was constantly in church and yet there he was, sitting at a table with two gay guys and joking as if we had just told him Mrs. Skeeter was wearing her see-through white blouse again. For the record, Mrs. Skeeter was a seventy year old woman. Seeing her in a see-through shirt was not exactly titillating for any of the boys, even the ones who weren't gay like me.
The conversation took a sudden turn for a serious topic when Peter asked, "How long do you think it's going to be before Howard and Leroy tell everyone about the two of you? I mean no one is going to be surprised about you Jamie, no offense, but David! Wow, there are going to be a lot of brokenhearted girls moping around here for the next week."
David cocked his head to the left and did his signature flattered laugh. "No there won't. I'm sure most of the girls don't even know I'm alive."
"Yeah sure you're invisible and I'm going to be class president next year." We all laughed because Peter had about as much of a chance of becoming class president as he did of marrying Mrs. Skeeter. He was one of my good friends and I wouldn't have vote for him. "Alright guys I know it was funny, but you don't have to laugh so hard," he whined.
It turned out I was right about Ricky and wrong about Howard. I thought us being gay would be too much for Ricky to handle and after he found out, Ricky began slowly distancing himself from us. I was wrong about Howard though. I expected Howard to tell everyone about David being my boyfriend but Howard kept it to himself. I asked him a week later in the library why he hadn't told anyone yet and he responded, "What will everyone think about me if they find out I was best friends with two fruits? I mean I've spent the night over both of your houses. I would be guilty by association or something and I'm not like that."
I won't say I was surprised to find out Howard was only concerned about himself but I was surprised by his logic. I didn't question him though because I didn't want to give him a reason to rethink his decision. As long as he was keeping his mouth shut, I knew I didn't have anything to worry about because Leroy, Ricky and Peter had already sworn to secrecy.
Eighth grade was a rather eventful school year. Shortly after the incident at lunch, my brother, Carl, came home unexpectedly and walked in my room. He should have taken the closed door as a hint so I won't accept full responsibility for what he saw, but I learned that day to always lock my door when David and I were engaged in sexual activities. Carl saw us naked on my bed stroking each other and kissing. He could have closed the door and walked out without us noticing him but he decided to make sure we knew we had been busted. He slammed my door shut and David and I sat up immediately. I assumed my father had come back home to get something because he was always forgetting things and I started crying because I was sure he was headed to the den to grab his shotgun so he could come back and kill us. It somehow made sense to get under the sheets and pull the blanket up to protect us. Dave held me close as I trembled and he promised nothing bad was going to happen.
Dave and I listened in horror as my door started to creep open inch by inch. Then suddenly the door swung all the way open and David and I clung to each other for fear of what might happen. The sound of maniacal laughter gave us enough courage to peek out from under the covers. Carl was standing in the doorway turning red from laughing so hard. He walked in my room and closed the door.
"I scared the shit out of you two, huh?"
I took a deep breath. "I thought you were Dad."
"Dad would have killed the both of you." He was right. My father would have killed us. Carl smiled. "I knew I'd come home unexpectedly one day and catch you two. I've been trying for over a month to catch you doing something. This is hilarious. I can't wait to tell Brock about this."
"You can't tell anyone," I said.
"Why not? Everyone knows. They may not say it or admit it, but they know. How could they not know?"
"Dad can't know."
"Oh he knows. Trust me he definitely knows. I think everyone who lives in this house knows."
"What do they know exactly?" David asked.
"They know that Jamie is" Carl held out his hand and shook it, "you know. He's always been that way."
"What about me?" David questioned. "Do they know about me?"
"I don't think they did at first, but they should now because Jamie seems to be more, you know, since the two of you started hanging out. It's like you brought even more of that out of him."
"I didn't bring anything out of him. I just let him be himself."
"Yeah, whatever. I don't care. You guys just won me twenty dollars."
"For what?"
"I told Brock you were messing around and he didn't believe me. What an idiot! Of course you guys were." He smiled at the blanket and said, "I bet you two are still naked, aren't you?"
"Carl just go away already!" I screamed.
"Fine I'm leaving, but you better stop whining when I tease you about being in love with David."
"Go away!"
"I'm leaving." He pulled the door and just before he closed it, he said, "And I'm still telling Brock."
Brock and Carl had been best friends for as long as I could remember, but their relationship was obviously different than the one David and I shared. Brock and Carl were both alpha-male types. They competed with each other for almost everything and while they too were joined at the hip, there was no mistaking what they had for anything other than great friendship. Girlfriends came and went but Brock and Carl were a constant.
Carl never judged me. That probably had a lot to do with the fact that my mere existence made his life easier. Whenever Carl got in trouble or did something mischievous my father almost embraced him for being a typical boy. Carl was everything I wasn't. My father once told me that he thanked God every night for giving him Carl. The implication being that Carl was the son he wanted and I was well, I wasn't really what he wanted. I spent a long time being jealous of Carl and secretly hating him for being the one Dad always chose when he needed help with something.
David and I entered ninth grade with everyone at school thinking I was gay and assuming David was straight. You wouldn't believe the number of girls who openly flirted with him while he stood in front of them with his arm around me. I thought we were obvious and I'm fairly certain that we were but people saw what they wanted to see. David was too straight to be more than just my close friend.
Ninth grade and tenth grade went by peacefully with David and I becoming our own group and only randomly hanging out with Peter. Eleventh grade was rough. David and Howard were competing against each other for an open receiver position and Howard really wanted the position. Howard told David he would expose our relationship if David didn't stop trying so damn hard. David refused and became one of the varsity receivers. That was when all hell broke loose. Howard told his football teammates about David and David's true relationship with me. The players believed Howard without hesitating because everything made sense. David and I were always together and David never dated any girls or even flirted with any girls and he had always shied away from locker room chatter about sex.
The life David knew ended. His teammates turned against him and did the kind of crazy shit that you see in movies. They didn't want to shower when he showered and they stopped blocking for him, even in practice. The quarterback stopped throwing the ball to him even when he was wide open. Word got around to David's parents and my parents that we were a couple. I was sitting at the dinner table one evening and my father was staring at me while I ate. I knew he wanted to say something to me and I was petrified that he had heard about my relationship with David. I'm sure he was aware of the type of relationship David and I had but I think it was easy to ignore it when no one else was talking about it. Unfortunately Howard and the football team made sure everyone was talking about it.
After enduring my father's staring for about ten minutes, I asked, "Did I do something?"
"Did you do something! Did you do something? Are you kidding me? Of course you did something!" He picked up his napkin and threw it at me. "And you know exactly what you did."
"I really don't know," I said as the stupid tears that he hated began sliding down my face.
"I always wondered why a boy like David would be friends with a sensitive boy like you. I should have known your little queer ass was blowing him," he shouted.
That was the first and only time my mother intervened. She told my father not to use that kind of language at her table and he stood up and stormed off to their bedroom while I sniveled like a baby at the table. My mother told me to try to toughen up some and then she left. Annie was the only one who cared. She came over to me and hugged me and told me Dad was being stupid.
David quit the football team and became very depressed and angry. He loved football and it had been taken away from him because of our relationship. I never thought he would blame me, but he did. His anger culminated in a stupid argument about what colors we should wear to Homecoming and he flat out told me we were over.
My father had little sympathy for me and in fact, he chastised me for ruining David's shot at a football scholarship. I felt like shit for the whole two months that we were separated. I hung out with the other rejects and the two openly gay guys at the school and David fell in with the cheerleaders and even dated a few of them. I didn't think David had it in him to date girls but I was wrong.
David had been my everything and I promised myself that once I got over him I wouldn't allow anyone to be my everything again. I felt half alive without David, but I still managed to somehow stumble through my classes. I thought David had forgotten about me and moved on to the life people said he should have and not the life I knew he wanted. Then Christmas came. Since eighth grade, David and I had made a concerted effort to see each other at some point on Christmas.
I wasn't expecting anything from David, but I bought him a card and slipped it in his locker during the last day before winter break. He didn't mention the card when I passed him in the hall later in the day and he didn't call me over the weekend so I assumed the anger that was chipping away at his heart had been successful and he was done with me.
On Christmas day, I was sitting in my room crying because of all the memories I had of Christmas and David and David came waltzing in my room as if nothing had changed between us.
I wiped my eyes and asked him what he was doing there and he simply handed me a present. I ripped the paper away and saw another Barbie. I wasn't sure what it meant but I knew the possible implications were mostly positive.
"I'm sorry," he stated. That was all I needed to hear. I hugged him and kissed him and told him how much I missed him and he was my everything all over again. "I missed you too," he whispered.
My father's voice interrupted the moment, "I hope you boys remembered to leave the damn door open!" After my father found out the truth about us several rules were implemented: David and I were not to be in the house alone with each other, David and I had to leave the door to my room open so that anyone walking by could see what we were doing and David and I were to maintain a respectable distance between us at all times. The last rule was easy to break but the other's had to be followed. Due to my father's rules, before our breakup, David and I had spent most of our time at his house.
David's parents had known about us since ninth grade. His mother had a difficult time adjusting to the idea, but she slowly came around. Thankfully his parents didn't put the same restrictions on us that my father did.
A few years ago his mother told me she knew David was gay when she found a Barbie hidden in his room when he was 13. I smiled because I knew the Barbie was mine but I wasn't going to tell her that. She said she wanted to confront David but his father suggested they wait for David to come to them so she started dropping hints about her suspicions and sure enough, four months later, after a lot of comments about the nature of our relationship, David sat his parents down and told them.
The brief break-up with David in high school was a wake up call for me. I loved him the same way as before but I was fully aware that it was possible for him to leave me one day and that seemed like a fate worse than death for me. I cared too much about him. A lot more than I probably should have but it would take me a few years to learn that.
During my drive home, I missed David the most when I stopped at the rest stop we visited every time we drove home. I sat at a table and ate alone. I tried to read the newspaper but my mind was too busy thinking about how much I wished David was there. Dave would have sat across from me and reminded me of all the Christmas memories we shared and the gifts we had exchanged and then he would somehow say something to the effect of me being the best Christmas present he ever received.
I never told him that our first time was my desperate attempt to give him what he wanted so he wouldn't leave me again. He gave me a Barbie for Christmas and I went to his house with him and gave him my body. Before he broke up with me I was afraid of having sex with him. I had always given him excuses and told him we should wait. I didn't know what we were waiting for, but I knew I wasn't ready for him to penetrate me. I had no problem sucking him or touching him, but full blown sex had always been out of the equation until he dumped me. After he dumped me I knew I would give him whatever he wanted if he ever came back and that's what I did.
I didn't regret our first time. I just regretted my reasons for letting it happen. It wasn't about love for me, it was about making sure he had a piece of me that he could never give back and giving him something he had always wanted in the process. Our relationship was better after we made up. The constant sex definitely distracted us from any problems we had but neither of us complained.
In our senior year of high school, I told David I wanted to apply to all the same colleges and he told me that was a terrible idea. I smiled as he broke my heart and outlined his plan for the direction of our relationship. He said it would be a huge mistake if we went to the same college. I argued that Brock and Carl went to the same college and he said it was different because they weren't boyfriends. Dave said couples should never go to the same college. He spouted some crap about us needing to explore our options and figure out who we were as individuals. He claimed that we couldn't do that if we went to the same school. He said a lot of couples went to college together and ended up miserable because the relationship didn't work and they still had to see each other on campus and he didn't want that for us.
I told him that wouldn't happen to us and he said it could so we should prepare ourselves for the possibilities. "So you think our relationship won't survive college?" I asked.
"I'm not saying that. I think we will, but don't you get tired of being Dave and Jamie? Don't you wonder who Jamie is?"
"No. What's wrong with being Dave and Jamie? I like being Dave and Jamie."
"So do I, but sometimes I just want to be Dave."
"So you're dumping me again?"
"No, of course not. I love you. I'm not dumping you, I'm saying we should think through our decisions. Most high school relationships don't last"
"But we will."
"I know we will. You didn't let me finish. Most high school relationships don't last but we're not most high school relationships. I wouldn't suggest going to different colleges if I didn't think it would make us stronger. You need to figure out who you are without me and I need to figure out who I am without you. We can't do that if we're together and you know if we went to the same college, we would always be together, it would be like an extension of high school and college isn't supposed to be that. College is supposed to be an opportunity to interact with different people and discover who you really are and I want to make the most of that opportunity."
I started crying. "It will break my heart to be without you. How can you even suggest this?"
He put his hands on my shoulders, "Because I know this is what's best for us." He hugged me and assured me one day I would thank him.
The rest of senior year was difficult for me because every day was one day closer to the day that Dave and I would go our separate ways and test the strength of our relationship. I was grateful for the slow days that seemed to drag on forever and angry for the days that seemed to fly by. Graduation seemed to jump out at me from nowhere and soon the summer was speeding towards an end. When the end of August came, I wondered where all the time had gone. One day Dave was breaking the news to me that we weren't going to go to college together and the next day we were in his bedroom hugging and kissing goodbye.
The first few days of college were the worst because I didn't know anyone and I was miserable without Dave. Missing him was like missing a part of me that I needed to function and it took me a few weeks to fully adjust to being on my own.
Dave had planned for us to talk once a day, but we ended up talking two or three times a day because we missed each other so much, then things started to change and I only heard from him once a day if I was lucky. I confronted him about his infrequent calls and accused him of cheating on me. He said he wasn't cheating on me, he was playing football. David had joined the football team at his school as a walk on and it was like a dagger pierced my heart because David had chosen football instead of me. I assumed that was his master plan all along. I had ruined football for him in high school and he wasn't going to give me the chance to ruin it for him in college. I felt manipulated and angry but I held my anger in until we were home for Thanksgiving.
He took me out to dinner and I asked him why he didn't just tell me the truth. "About what?" he asked.
"About football. Why didn't you tell me you wanted to play football in college? Is that why you didn't want to go to the same place? Were you afraid that your team couldn't handle Dave and Jamie? Is that why you wanted to just be Dave?"
"Look I have a confession to make. Going to separate colleges wasn't exactly my idea."
"What?"
"I mentioned to my mother that I wanted to go wherever you went and she tried to take my head off. She said it would be the worst mistake of my life. That you and I couldn't know if we were really in love or not because we'd only been with each other. Her exact words were `if you don't check out the grass on the other side you'll never know for certain if your grass is greener.'"
"So your mother told you to cheat on me?"
"No, that's not what she was saying."
"Then what was she saying?"
"She was saying that we needed to step out of our cocoon and experience the world. She said we were becoming one person and sometimes she couldn't tell if I was becoming more like you or if you were becoming more like me. She thought a little space would do us good and she was right."
"What do you mean she was right?"
"I mean the space between us," he put his hand on the table, " both literally and figuratively just makes me realize how much I love you. When I go back to my dorm room after practice I always wish I was coming home to you. Before college, I thought I knew how love felt and I thought I loved you, now I know for sure. I can't imagine feeling this way about anybody. I mean I talked to you all the time and I missed you more than I missed my own parents."
"One of us should transfer," I suggested.
"Don't you like your school?"
"Yes but that's not the point."
"It is the point. I don't want to give up my school and you seem to be making some good friends at your school so why change that? Long distance relationships may be hard for some people, but we can make it work. We can plan out a schedule to visit each other but I don't think we need to worry about transferring."
"If you like your school that much you don't have to transfer. I'll do it."
"But what if you regret it?"
"Dave you know how I feel about you. How could I regret it?"
We spent all of our Thanksgiving weekend arguing and most of the time between then and Christmas was a repetitive fight about the same thing. I wanted to be with him and he thought we were doing fine on our own. By Christmas, Dave had won the argument. We stayed at our respective colleges and visited as often as possible and we both came home for spring break and that summer.
Trouble started towards the end of the summer. One of Dave's football buddies came to visit him and Dave's behavior began to change. Dave was preparing to leave early to report for football practice and I was preparing to miss him all over again. I was sitting on his bed watching him pack and he was ignoring me.
"Dave what's wrong?"
He sat down on the bed. "I love you," he whispered, "but"
I felt what was coming. "Forget I asked. Let's just pretend I didn't say anything."
"I love you but I think we should try dating other people."
"It's Frank, isn't it? You want to date Frank."
"It's not really him."
"Then it's me. You're tired of me?"
"Jamie let me try to explain okay? I love you. I know I love you but when Frank came to visit some things that shouldn't have happened did happen and"
"You cheated on me?"
"No! I wouldn't do that, but I thought about it. I really thought about it and I've never thought about it before.
"That's it? You thought about it?"
"I thought about it a lot and when he kissed me I didn't want to push him away." He turned towards me. "I did push him away, but I didn't want to."
I put my hand on his back and rubbed in a circle. "It's okay. You didn't do anything. I forgive you."
"I'm not asking you to forgive me."
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"I think we should see other people." The words rushed from his lips as if they were running for their lives.
"I don't want to see other people."
"What about your friend, Dennis? He seemed pretty fond of you when I came to visit."
"Dennis is just a friend."
"He wants to be more than a friend."
I already knew Dennis had a crush on me. He didn't try to hide it. Dennis was always touching me and sitting uncomfortably close to me. He had even gotten drunk and leaned in to kiss me, but I turned my head and we didn't talk about it again. Dennis was cute I just didn't pay attention because I was focused on Dave. I lived to hear David's voice on the phone and I waited anxiously for the next time I would see David. My world revolved around David. He was my first thought in the morning, my most frequent thought during the day and my only thought at night. I loved remembering how he made me feel.
I expected him to dump me because I knew I was holding him back, but I assumed he would wait until he returned to college before he broke my heart. I was incapable of understanding how he could say he loved me and then look in my eyes and tell me we should see other people. In my mind the two didn't go together.
"You're breaking up with me?" I asked.
"No. I don't think we should break up."
"Then what?"
"I think we shouldn't date exclusively. Now is the time for us to explore"
I cut him off. "Don't give me that shit again! Just say you don't want me anymore!"
"I do want you." He moved towards me and I jumped off the bed.
"I'm not going to share you. If you want to see other people then see other people, but you can't be with me at the same time."
Dave stood and put his arms around me. I tried to move away but he pulled me back. "Fine, if you don't want me to see other people then I won't. I love you too much to lose you."
He wanted to date other people. I heard it in the softness of his voice as he gave in to my demand and I realized the moment I had feared had finally arrived. After our first break-up I knew it was inevitable that we would go our separate ways again and I tried to prepare myself for it. I envisioned Dave kissing me goodbye, but as he held me I understood that I had to be the one to let him go because he would never leave me again. I kissed him. "I love you too much to keep holding you back. Maybe we need some time apart." I said the words but I didn't mean them.
"I don't want time apart."
"You say that you know you love me but you don't know it. If you did then you wouldn't wonder who else was out there and you wouldn't want to be with someone else. I know I love you. I've known it and felt it and lived it since seventh grade. You occupy most of my thoughts. I don't need anybody else because you're it for me. I can't imagine being with anyone but you. You've never felt that way about me though. You've always had questions and doubts and fears about the future. I see us together but what I see doesn't matter unless you see it, too. So you go have your fun and be Dave because we're going to be Dave and Jamie again. We have to be."
"Wait, are you turning this around and breaking up with me?"
"I have to do it because you won't. It's been a great summer but summer is over. You've been trying to let me go for a while now and I haven't let you. Different colleges, different lives right?"
"No! I love"
"Don't say it. Just let me go."
"I don't want to let you go."
"I don't want to let you go either but I'm holding you back. You have to realize that. I finally did." I hugged him. "We'll be together again. I'm not worried about that. And we'll always be friends so it's not like I won't get to talk to you. You'll call me won't you?"
"Of course I'll call you." Dave was not a crier. I'd seen him come close to tears before, but I had never witnessed a tear fall until I set him free. "I do love you," he said after I turned to leave.
"I know."
Walking out his room that afternoon strained every muscle in my body. I sat in my car and wondered why I wasn't crying. I had just given away the one person who meant everything to me and I had no guarantee he would be returned. I was basing my entire future on emotions. I couldn't live without him and I thought he couldn't live without me but he just needed time to understand that. I was full of faith in our love.
The next few months passed and I think we did everything we could do to hurt each other. Dave started dating Frank and he called to tell me, so I told him I had started dating Dennis. Dennis and I had sex and it wasn't good but I called Dave and bragged about how great Dennis was in bed then I thanked Dave for suggesting we see other people. Dave called me a couple of nights later and told me he was going home with Frank for Thanksgiving. I cried all night. A few weeks later I called Dave to tell him I was going home with Dennis for Christmas.
The next day, I opened my door and Dave was standing there. "What are you doing here?" I asked as he brushed pass me and walked in my apartment.
"How can you go home with him for Christmas? We always see each other on Christmas."
"That was when we were Dave and Jamie, but we broke up, remember? We're not Dave and Jamie anymore."
"Who are we then?"
"We're just friends."
"Have we ever been just friends?"
"Well," He pushed me against the door and kissed me. I couldn't stop myself from kissing him back. He pulled away.
"This is ridiculous. I love you."
"What about Frank?"
"It wasn't love. I don't know what it was, but he couldn't be you so I couldn't love him. We broke up a few weeks ago."
"Oh."
"I get it now," he said.
"You get what?"
"How much I love you. I don't think about anything but you all day."
"Not even football?" I teased.
"Not even that."
"How do you study?" I questioned jokingly. He leaned in to kiss me again and the part of me that he left broken hearted forced me to turn my head. "We can't do this."
"Why not? All you have to do is dump Dennis and we can go back to being us."
Dennis and I had never been more than friends. We had sex one time and I led Dave to believe it was something other than what it was. I wasn't able to have a relationship with Dennis because I wasn't able to get over Dave. Dave had all of my heart and what scared me most was thinking that I only had half of his.
"Are you sure that's what you want?"
"It's not something I want; it's something I need. We are Dave and Jamie."
I wanted to kiss him and tell him how much I loved him but the broken hearted part of me wouldn't allow it. "I need time to think," I said.
He kissed me by my eye. "Take as much time as you need."
I let him out and watched him walk down the hallway. I knew our reconciliation was imminent because I would have taken him back no matter what he did. That was just how much I loved him.
Remembering the way David looked walking down that hallway brought a tear to my eye. I should have chased him and told him I loved him but I stood in the doorway and watched the love of my life leave.
Dave came down to surprise me before Christmas. I think his real intention was to make sure I didn't go anywhere with Dennis. I was going to prolong our break up for a few more months to make Dave miss me more but fate intervened. I ended up spending that Christmas stuck in my apartment with Dave thanks to a freakish blizzard. Being stuck with him was the second best thing that ever happened to me, the first being meeting him. Dave and I were able to talk to each other and I was able to explain the actual type of relationship I had with Dennis.
Dave and I were good for a while after that. We stayed at different colleges but we talked on the phone almost everyday and we saw each during every long weekend or break and we returned home each summer so we could enjoy the summer together.
Senior year was my turn to mess up our relationship. We had everything planned out. We were going to go through the year and after graduation Dave would move in to my apartment and I would go to grad school while Dave entered the work force.
I hadn't counted on meeting Rich. Rich was my lab partner during the fall semester. I was attracted to him immediately but I tried to ignore it. Life kept putting us together. I began seeing him everywhere I went. I walked in an elevator and he was there. I went to grab a midnight snack and he was there grabbing a midnight snack too. It reached a point where I purposely varied my routines because I didn't want to run in to him. Unfortunately, that tactic didn't work. He still managed to be everywhere I went. Our casual friendly conversations became in depth conversations about our lives and we started spending a lot of time together.
Rich was everything Dave was and to top it off Rich was actually close enough for me to touch. I wasn't doing anything with Rich but I felt guilty because I started thinking more and more about Rich and less and less about Dave. It killed me when I spoke to Dave because he would tell me how much he loved me and how he couldn't wait to move in with me and I was full of doubts.
It was hard to see Dave that Christmas because I feared he would take one look at me and know I was thinking about someone else. Dave sensed something was different but he thought I was nervous about getting accepted in to grad school. For Christmas he gave me his heart. I remember thinking to myself, `If there was a sentimental gift to be found, Dave would find it.' He gave me a small heart shaped locket with a picture of him inside.
"This is my heart," he said with a smile, "you already own it, so I figured you might as well keep it."
I didn't deserve it, but I let him put it around my neck anyway. I never told him, but that gift got us back on the right track. I returned to college wearing the locket and I drew strength from it. Every time I had a naughty thought about Rich, I rubbed the locket and remembered what I had with Dave. I couldn't ruin my relationship with David. No one was worth that, not even the incredibly attractive, amazingly intelligent, dependable Rich.
Knowing someone loves you and knowing someone is in love with you were completely different things. It took going to separate colleges for Dave and me to figure that out. Before college, David loved me and I loved him, but by the time we graduated from college, David was as in love with me as I was with him. We were lucky that way. Most people don't find their soul-mate in junior high and most couples don't survive going to separate colleges. We defied all the odds.
I sighed at the memory of how lucky I had been. Some people went their whole lives without meeting someone like Dave. I just went twelve years.
I drove by Dave's old house and wondered why his parents had decided to move. Their move ruined my Christmas. Dave had gone to spend a week with them before Christmas but his father became sick and Dave had to stay. I told him I would come there, but he insisted I go home to my family and have a happy Christmas. I tried to explain to him that I couldn't be happy if he wasn't there. It had been so long since I went through an entire Christmas Day without seeing Dave. I had forgotten what those days felt like because it was unfathomable that there was a time when I was just Jamie.
I reached my house a few minutes before six o'clock. The locks had been changed once Annie graduated from college. My father did it one day and didn't tell anyone. We were all surprised the first time we came home and our keys didn't work.
I rang the doorbell and my father answered the door with a frown on his face and a beer in his hand. Over the years, he had learned to appreciate me as his son although he still occasionally made derogatory comments about me. He disapproved of my relationship with David but I think a combination of time, and my brother and sister constantly telling him to be nice wore down his spitefulness. He gave up trying to change me and took up pretending David and I were just really good friends. He kept his distance from David whenever David visited.
"They're all in the backyard," he mumbled then he turned and walked away.
I sat my bag down by the door and decided to go to the backyard to say hello. Carl was coming in the back door when I reached to open it. He pushed me back in the house and slammed the door. "Woah, you can't go back there yet."
"Why not? Dad said everyone was back there."
"Everyone? What? No ones back there but Mom and Annie."
"Okay, I want to let Mom know I'm here and wish her a Merry Christmas." He was acting strange. "Do you need to talk about something? I mean I'll just go say hi and then I'll be right back. Is it Beverly?" Beverly was his pregnant wife.
"No, it's not Beverly. It's um, it's Dad. Man we need to talk about Dad."
"Everything's okay isn't it?"
"I don't think Dad is having a good Christmas this year."
"Why not? I mean I thought he would be happy that David isn't here."
"He was but things have changed. Where is he anyway?"
"I don't know. He sent me to the back yard and he went somewhere in the house."
"Let's go find him."
"Alright, just let me say hi to Mom." I moved towards the door and Carl stepped in the way.
"You know she was just about to come in, why don't you um sit at the table and I'll go get her."
He was trying to keep me from going outside. I smiled, "Why are you trying to keep me from going back there?"
"What? Keep you? No, um, it's just um"
I ran to the sink so I could pull the curtain back and look out the window but Carl was faster than me and stronger than me. He pulled me away from the sink and tackled me. "You can't go to the backyard yet. It'll ruin the surprise and that's all I'm saying. Now are you going to behave or do I have to sit on you?"
"I'll behave."
"Good."
He stood up and helped me up. "So what's new since Thanksgiving?"
"Not much. Dave and I are the same. His father is sick."
Carl laughed slightly then he caught himself, "Yeah, you told me about that when we spoke yesterday. It's too bad Dave can't be here. I'm going to miss Dad glaring at him across the table."
"Well I'm sure Dave is going to miss coming here for his second dinner but his father needs him."
"I guess so." Carl motioned towards the table. "Now sit down and I'll get Mom."
He opened the back door just enough to stick his head out. "Mom, Jamie's here." He closed the door right away and my mother came in seconds later.
She was beaming when she saw me. It had been years since I had seen her so happy. "Jamie you're home!"
I hugged her and she squeezed me tight. "You saw me a month ago for Thanksgiving," I reminded her as she smothered my face in kisses.
"I know, but that was different." She held my face and said, "I love you."
"I love you too Mom."
My father came in the kitchen and grabbed another beer out of the refrigerator. "Why don't you all get the damn thing over with already." He slammed the fridge and left.
"Ignore him," my mother said, "he's just jealous because today is going to be a special day for you."
"It is?" I questioned, "Did you get me a car or something?"
"Something better," she replied. She kissed me on my cheek and told me everything would be ready in a minute.
Carl, my mother and I sat at the table and I tried to guess what present was waiting for me in the backyard. About ten minutes later, Annie came inside and said I could come out. My mother and Carl insisted they go first and I wait a minute. I waited about five seconds and I opened the door. There was a white tent in the backyard. I walked in the tent and the heat was the first thing I noticed. The second was David standing at the end of the aisle in front of me. He was dressed in a nice tuxedo with a red ribbon tied around his head.
There were a couple of chairs on each side of the aisle. Annie, Beverly, Carl and my mother were on one side and Dave's parents and Peter and a few of Dave's friends were on the other side.
I walked up to David, "What is this?" I asked.
"This is your Christmas gift." He got down on one knee and held up a small box that I hadn't noticed in his hand. He opened it and revealed a wedding band. "Jamie Minkley will you marry me?"
I laughed. "You don't believe in gay marriage, remember?"
"I believe in us. I know I can't live without you and I know you can't live without me. It doesn't have to be legal but I want to stand in front of everyone we love and promise the rest of my life to you. So will you marry me?"
I felt spoiled. All I needed was the man in front of me and he was giving himself to me forever. "Of course." There was a chorus of `awes.' Dave stood up and gave me a quick kiss then he signaled someone. A guy I had never seen before walked in front of us.
The ceremony was short and sweet and even though I knew our vows to each other meant nothing legally, they meant the world to me. Every time I thought Dave couldn't get any better or couldn't make me happier, he turned around and did something amazingly wonderful. A surprise wedding was completely unexpected, but just what I wanted. I had been trying to convince Dave to marry me for a year and he always said no. He said he didn't want to get married because it didn't count. I told him that was all I wanted for Christmas and he told me to keep dreaming. I guess he fooled me.
It's been five years since our Christmas wedding and we're still going strong. When we meet other couples, gay or straight they're all shocked that we met so young and stayed together. People don't seem to believe that young love can last, but Dave and I are proof that it can and sometimes it does.
c Lustyville 2007 Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com and check out more of this story and my other stories at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville