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A Little Self Help author unknown
Chapter 1 - Visitation
Another interruption was really more than I could bear so I left the keyboard a little hurriedly and charged downstairs. If those blasted Witnesses were back again I'd give them something to tell people about. I flung the door open and stopped because there she was. I couldn't quite place her but there was definitely something familiar and yet also quite strange about her.
"Moderately reasonable place you have here John." She grinned. "How about letting me in?" I must have been a little too slow for her so she continued "Come on then, this is very important. Jane's getting cold."
I took her inside and sat her down, watched her admiring the decorations such as they were. The silence became a bit awkward but I was determined not to break first. I resorted to staring at the clock for a while. It kept on ticking as usual.
"I suppose you think this is strange?" "Oh no, mysterious women are always knocking on my door and acting weird. It happens to me all the time. Only the other day..." "Don't worry, I know all about you, everything. I want to help." "Everything?" "The works." "You a spy, a psychic or a nut?" "No, it's simple. How can I say this - I'm another one of you." "Oh wow, I just knew it. I'm going to call the police or a doctor or something. You just barge in here and ..." "You've spent a fair deal of time looking in the mirror lately, don't you see any resemblance? There are two sides to mirrors you know."
I looked at her much more closely, slim, nice figure and face, long dark hair. Those tight jeans showed off her figure really well. She had a great voice too and a sexy smile. Unfortunately, most of the resemblance was in my dreams.
"Now look. I don't know who put you up to this but I'm not going for it. What do you really want?" "I want you give you a chance at being happy. I'm taking a big risk by being here but I've seen you and her crying, I know you'd have done the same for me." "I don't really know what you mean." "Yes you do, things aren't right for you. I can help." "Oh yes, by coming around out of nowhere and driving me mad? You'll be telling me you're some sort of fairy godmother next. Wave the wand and zap, everything's fine." "Oh stop it, no magic wand see, and definitely no pumpkin." She shook her sleeves as proof. "I'm not offering you an easy out, just something no one else can. It might turn out harder than if you leave it and walk away." "I don't understand. You keep hinting at some kind of big secret. It's getting to me." "You do seem a little disturbed. I'll leave you more details and we'll talk again soon. I'm sorry for winding you up but I couldn't resist it. You know what our sense of humour is like."
I watched her take out a small cube from a pocket that hadn't been there before and place it on the table. Then she fiddled with her watch for a while, cursed a bit, blew me a kiss and seemed to fold out of existence right in front of me.
I fell into a chair, just a little bit shocked. Then I went to get myself a drink and made it a very large one. I had another couple. I could hardly bear to look at the table. The cube was still there. I laughed madly to myself as I threw three books of popular physics into the dustbin. It was expensive, but good therapy usually is.
Chapter 2 - Learning Difficulties
It may surprise you that the cube was left on the table for a whole day. I could see it was going to be one of the most important things in my life and knew I had to approach it right, make the right choice and find out what the hell was going on. Also, I was bloody scared.
So the following evening I picked it up and studied it. A featureless grey cube slightly smaller than one of those used to be popular puzzles. It didn't rattle and had no switches visible. As I sat watching it a swirling pattern started to develop within. It disturbed me somehow and I kept staring at it. I started to feel like it was sucking me in and I was about to fall into deep space. I was already tired and sleep came easily and words and pictures followed. She was in there with me.
"Hi, freaky isn't it? I hope my exit didn't upset you too much. To answer your biggest questions I'm your counterpart in a fairly close reality. Our tech level is much higher and we've started to experiment with dimensional travel. I'm on the research team but contact like this is strictly forbidden, I'm taking rather a risk with this. This cube is programmed with quite a lot of my personal records and detailed information on the things you'll want to know. Interactive retrieval commences. Bye for now love."
Her image faded and I found myself in a small, well lit, room with a desk and chair. I sat down and a middle aged man entered and came over to me.
"Hello, I'm the access program. Tell me what you want and I'll get it." "What? Isn't that a little low tech?" "Of course not. You are not implanted with an access terminal. Your sister thought a familiar metaphor would help. She created me to assist you. Please let me help you." "Ok then, let's start with some fairly basic biology and psych texts, films, mind melds or whatever it is you guys use." "Accessing. There are 12,436 items stored in this system which match your criteria. I suggest these three." He waved and they appeared on the desk. "Call me back when you need more." He left. I got to work.
When I came around I found the house in total darkness except for the orange glow from the lights outside. I checked my watch and saw seven hours had passed in the trance. I searched for the cube and found it under the chair where it had rolled away. It's program completed it now glistened black.
My experience seemed dreamlike but also more real than the mundane reality surrounding me. I clasped my head as the pain hit me. I looked at the thing with some respect then decided to take some aspirin before the pounding in my head woke the neighbours.
When I was feeling vaguely human again I went upstairs and took out some of my clothes, put on some make up and dressed in jeans and body. As I put on my wig the usual feeling of relief and calmness flooded through me but tonight it was different as I looked at myself with new knowledge. I put on my new earrings and was quite pleased.
I still didn't look how I really wanted but it always made me feel better, all I ever wanted was to be myself and it had always been denied.
Later on I had the usual pain when I had to take it all off again. I washed off the make up and once again became the normal person everyone expects to see me as, the square peg in the round hole. The often depressed and pained duality. People wonder why I'm miserable ha! they got the right life. No one tells them they can't have children, enjoy sex, wear their favourite clothes.
I managed to stop myself before the run of self pity could really get under way and went to the kitchen to make a drink.
It was a fitful night as fragments of knowledge splattered across my brain like some deranged modern artwork. If a little learning is a dangerous thing I'd become positively lethal.
As ever being awake is maddening, you're tired, you try and will yourself to sleep all night. You finally manage it and the alarm goes off. You feel like death but drag yourself out of bed anyway and head off to work to offer yourself up to the machine. This morning I just thought sod it.
Chapter 3 - Reunion
I got up and called in sick, went back to bed and slept a little more. Just after lunchtime I got bored and went for a walk. It ended up being quite a long one as I mulled over my recently gained knowledge. I found my steps taking me along by the canal.
I walked past empty warehouses and factories along a path that seemed deserted. It brought back to me the time six months ago when I'd stood staring at the water and thought hard about throwing myself in. I watched the water moving, dropped in a stone and saw the ripples slowly fade.
I felt alone and frustrated. Knowing no one was around I vented some of it by shouting.
"I suppose you think you're bloody clever!" and jumped with a massive start as she grabbed my shoulder from behind and squeezed. "Well, I don't argue with facts. My, you look a bit off colour, been up all night?"
I couldn't help join in with her laughter as I could imagine the expression I'd had on my face.
"You have got my sense of humour." "No, you've got mine!" "But you've got my real body." "I used to have one like yours. It didn't fit, I took it back."
This exchange struck both of us as rather funny and we laughed for a long time. I suppose you had to be there. We embraced and walked along the path together. Our conversation was a bit fitful as we kept meeting other people walking dogs or jogging determinedly.
"So now we're even, you know all about me." "Yes, you've had an interesting life." "Oh, I don't know." "Was being a man in your world hard?" "Not really, it just didn't suit me. I decided to switch." "And no one minded?" "It's no utopia but people are encouraged to experiment, find out who they are and what they need and are helped to get it, whatever it is." "And you say it's no utopia!" "It's just more tolerant, this place will be better eventually but you haven't got that long. I can help you jump the queue a little." "You mean it?" "Would I lie to me?" "What did your parents say?" "Err, hi love, we burned your old clothes and you're marrying your cousin next week." "So zis humour runs in ze family. Zat is very interesting. So, what's ze secret plan." "You disappear for a while with me, I hack you an ID and as a decent, responsible, citizen you apply for DNA Retromod. Then I put you back and you carry on how you want. Except you'll be able to use the cleaner public loos and you won't smell quite as badly in the mornings." "You have done your research, I'm impressed." She bowed ironically. "But what if you get caught." "I shouldn't. You won't be around long, I should be able to cover it. If they get me then I'll be off the project and get into some real trouble. But hey, almost identical people from different realities should stick together!" "You and me and and me and me against the world?" "Not quite, but close." "And I'll be away for?" "Six months or so." "I could say I'm doing a solo walk round the world." "Digging to China?" "Skiing down Everest?" "Or just say you're quitting. You may well want a change of scene when you get back. What do you say?" "Come on, I'll race you to that bridge." "Which one? Hey! Come back you cheater!"
Chapter 4 - Departure
I'd packed the few things I wanted to take and surprisingly it wasn't that much. After all it was just a another little trip away from home. Mothers generally don't hand out advice for what to take on interdimensional journeys, somehow a packed lunch seems oddly inadequate.
I took out the small box and read the note again for about the fiftieth time. "I would fetch you but I have to operate this end. Signal when you're ready. Mind the reality gap, closing your eyes helps." I turned it over again to look at the cartoon cat sticking its tongue out at me, smiled, then put it back in my pocket.
I closed my eyes tightly and pressed the button. I felt nothing. Then suddenly I was being touched and kissed. "You do look funny standing like that, posed for any good statues lately?"
I opened my eyes to find myself in a white room which seemed familiar except for several pieces of what could well be machinery placed tastefully around the room in a pleasing pattern.
"Now remember, you're my brother. Everyone's expecting you, just try and keep calm." "Calm she says! I feel like my heart is about to burst out of the top of my head." She gave me a very weird look "You humans have a very strange physiology." and stared at me glassily. I fell for it again and she giggled loudly before handing me a thin bracelet. "This is your ID and terminal, you are a member of a religious sect which forbids bodily implants. Wear it always, and think of me." "I will, your supreme cleverness." "Just don't screw up. Learn to use the bracelet to do simple things like open doors and call lifts first, I'll help you pick it up. Now come on."
As we left the room an older man entered and looked quizzically at me. She nudged me, somewhat excessively I thought, I'm not totally thick.
"My brother is programmed for full access, a courtesy to our visitors." "I knew that dear, I was merely waiting politely to be introduced." "My brother John, this is Zax - archivist and master programmer on our research project." "A pleasure, I can see the resemblance. I hope your mind is as strong and clear as hers." "I hope so too. I have heard of your wisdom, I feel like we've met already." She nudged me again. "Thank you, be welcome in our place of work." He bowed and left. "So, you're not above borrowing from your surroundings?" "Of course not, elegant reuse is a cornerstone of simulation." "Bullshit." "Yeah. Must be rubbing off. I like him alot, I knew you'd get on." "He seems like he has a knack for finding things out."
They left the room and soon the building to find a landscaped garden outside covering a fair deal of ground.
"I hope he waits till you're safely back before he puts 10 base 2 and 10 base 2 together though. Let's go home." "How do we do that?" "Simple. We use our legs, race you back!" She ran off straight ahead. "You bloody cheat! I don't know where it is." He followed her laughter into the distance.
Chapter 4 - Home
Her place was nearby and very tastefully done too, put mine to shame a bit. I tried to look casual, sank into a chair and accepted a large drink.
"Hi home. I'm home." "Good afternoon Jane, you have two messages." "Save them for later. Offline." "Fine." "Ok, I'll need about two weeks to get everything set up. That is if you're sure you still want to do it?" "Never felt surer." "I hope we get away with it." "Sure we will." I was a bit surprised when the kid walked in. He looked around 9 or 10 but I was wary of judging ages around here. For once I decided to keep quiet. "Hi mom!" "Hello, come and say hello to your uncle - remember what I told you." "Yeah, keep my big mouth shut or I get walloped." "That's right. It's a secret ok?" "Sure. I'm off to meet the guys, I'll probably be back tomorrow." "Ok, have fun. Watch that blonde guy, she's got her eye on you." He blushed noticeably "We haven't done anything at all yet Mom." "I know, I'm getting worried about you, now get going." "Bye then, bye uncle!" He winked dramatically at me and left quickly. "I thought you said it wasn't a complete bio reversal." "It isn't. If I can't bear a child naturally I can still supply half the genes and raise one. He's going to be a bit like his father, too damn clever by half." "And like his mother?" "What, you mean totally irresistible?" She brushed her hair aside and laughed. "What else?" "Come on let's get some food."
Chapter 5 - Alterations
I was very nervous as we walked to the medcentre. Can I do this? What will happen? Why am I talking to myself? I made myself shut up. Once they had me tucked up in bed they tactfully left us alone for a while.
"I thought it would be all robots and machines and computers." "It is, they just do this to make people feel at ease. When I've gone, they'll knock you out, put you in this big machine, saw off the top of your head." "And suck out my brains?" "No, that's the reverse operation. You're becoming a woman." "We've watched too many bad films. What really happens?" "We interface you to the design program, it's a special job old Zax tailored for my change. A real work of art." "We can talk later?" "Once things get under way, you'll be put in semi-active mode and plugged into some comms. Relax and I'll catch you on the net." "I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed." "No you're not, but you soon will be. I'll see you on the other side." "Take care." "And you. Don't interact with any strange men. Not till you have the right bits anyway!"
She kissed me and left, waving from the door. I really did start to feel relaxed and felt quite good when the medic arrived.
"We're ready to start. These jobs are quite routine now and you have the best program I've seen for it. I'll be monitoring you but there should be no problem." He produced a small metal tube. "What are you going to ..." The lights dimmed to black.
I came to in what looked suspiciously like a psychiatrists office. The bearded figure got me to lie down on the couch.
"I hope you can handle this scenario. There are several others available." "This will be fine." "Now then, you understand there are limits to what we can do here." "Yes, I know. Can you tell me what's going to happen? It will help me concentrate." "Of course. I am supplied with your physical and mental parameters and genetic template. We will together develop an a desired end configuration based on GeneFlow simulations. I will construct a tailored Splicer to modify the activation patterns of certain parts of your code." "This will cause a shift towards the final configuration?" "Precisely. Over a few months major changes will occur to your body and we shall perform minor rewiring of certain motor and other nerve functions to ensure a perfect mapping of your new arrangement. The UNI nanomachines involved are programmed to destruct afterwards. I understand this is permissible to your sect." "And if they don't?" "It is unlikely but if they do you will not be waking up. I understand suicide is permissible to your sect under certain conditions." "I believe some of our more forward members have tried it." "It should not be necessary. Commence design programme. May your experience be positive. All trademarks acknowledged." "The more things change...." "Indeed. An apt observation."
Chapter 6 - To Awaken
"Ok, I have to go now. They want to shut me down for a full check before they let me out of here at last." "Let's hope they haven't lost your system disk." "Yeah." "See you in a week or so. Does it hurt?" "Only when I don't laugh." "I know. It was a corny joke, I'm sorry. Hey I've seen your pictures, you are going to be one sexy creature." "I'll believe it when I see me." "You will. Bye." "Bye."
Her e-voice faded and I signalled that I was ready.
"You are stable and nominal. There is no indication of trouble. A complete medical scan will now be performed. You will not be conscious during this procedure. If all has gone well we will not speak again, your full function will be restored. Thank you for using our software." "Where do I send the tip?" "Clarify? Destination of effluent heap has no appropriate referent." "Never mind. Thanks for your help." "Terminal 7 disconnect. GTech sequence 1023 concluded. Scan commences. Good luck and thank you again."
I yawned and stretched before trying to get out of bed and falling over. It wasn't I was tired or really disoriented, just that I had two seemingly overlaid self images for a moment. I made do with sitting down a while and thinking. I tried again and it seemed easier. I made it across the room and caught my image in the mirror. I almost fell over again. I stared into it deeply, so engrossed was I that I missed the sound of the door.
"Wow!" "Hi sis! How come you're out of bed. Get back in, doctors orders." "Doctor of what?" "Molecular Systems Technology, not really medical but not too far off these days." "How do I look?" "Too good, too blonde, and too pleased with yourself. I'm really happy for you, and madly jealous." "Thanks, there's no need to be. You're the irresistible one remember. It's all down to you in any case. What happens now?" "You wait a while for your reflexes to catch up with the rest of you and we go home. When I'm sure you're fine we send you back on the longer trip." "I hope I don't wake up soon, I love this dream!" "Oi, cover yourself up." She pointed at the window and I saw one of the techs peering in and gazing at me. I dived for the bed and ended up under it. "Reactions excellent, coordination terrible. Needs more work." "Ouch!" I laughed so hard I banged my head.
Chapter 7 - Discovery
Extract - Personal Diary - Jane 24/10/98
I had been looking forward to the meal and he didn't disappoint me, taking his usual pride in serving up things I've never heard of cooked in exquisite ways. It was a real pity it hadn't worked out, we were both too headstrong I suppose. I still care deeply for him and he is kind to me, even while he is with another as is the case often these days.
Soon after we had finished eating he took me over to the seating area and we relaxed. I was soon unrelaxed when he made it clear that he knew everything that had gone on.
"Jane really, I'm surprised at you." "When did you find out?" "Quite early on, your programs were very good but not undetectable." "I suppose I should have expected it." "Sooner or later you would have been found out. I can't decide whether you were being selfish or altruistic. It's rather unique to help yourself out in this way. At least your motive seems to have been kindness and concern for another. That is good." "So what are you going to do?"
There was a long pause as he seemed to be searching for words and weighing me up for bad news.
"Nothing, I have discovered some things you weren't aware of. I'm afraid you can't send her back." "But.." "A strange disturbance in the other reality has occurred." "What happened?" "Spacetime pushed back, it found a gap in itself and closed it. She has no life to return to." "But we've done so many trips, nothing has ever ..." "For short periods only, a day at most. Apparently it is not safe to be away for long. Or perhaps there are other things at work. I hate to say this but we are dabbling in things we don't really understand." "What about her starting a new life back there?" "I cannot allow that, it seems we have been given a warning we should heed. Who knows what will happen if we don't?" "All the same I ..." "I have notified the Sector Council, she has been offered full citizenship and will probably be able to adjust quite easily, it's only one more transition after all. It may even work out for the best."
End Extract.
After she'd left Zax brought up the document on the view screen again and mused over it. A parochial historical record from the other reality. September 1st 1994. Page 16. A small item noting a mysterious violent death. Their 'police' were investigating. They would find no culprit. The verdict would remain open but the file would be swiftly closed.
He would see that neither woman returned to the other reality and found out the horror that had happened to one of them there. He disliked deception and concealment but sometimes it can prevent pain and he would take the guilt on himself rather than see them in pain. They were so much alike really, he had loved one of them and owed something to both of them.
Chapter 8 - Stability
Well I've been here for some time now and it hasn't been too bad. I spent a pretty good few months with my sister, getting used to my new self. I then decided I should make a start by myself and was allocated somewhere to live.
Since then I've had a few lovers of various persuasions (now I know what all the fuss about sex was about) made a good few friends and not had too hard a time fitting in. It's taken a lot of mental effort to get anywhere up to speed with some of the things I should have learnt in school here.
Life is longer here and a little more relaxed than before, at least in some ways. In other ways it's much harder, especially when alot of your knowledge and outlook has suddenly become useless.
Planning is just starting for the first StarSearch expedition, in about thirty years time the ship will leave orbit and I hope to be on it, it will take more hard work than I ever thought I might be capable of but determination has set in, my friends call it blind stubbornness.
Chapter 9 - Hope and Disturbance
I can't help wondering what happened back there. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself and feel a strange shiver that disturbs me. Not so much someone walking on my grave as breaking through it with a pickaxe and raking over my bones.
But then as Zax says, human literature is full of those who make a deal with the devil. There aren't that many of them who escape with both their lives and their souls intact. I just hope I have.
I'm not dead yet, at least not here. Just don't let me wake up.
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