***** DISCLAIMER: This story is NOT REAL. I don't claim to know BSB or *NSync, so I don't know if JC, Lance, Joey and Justin are gay. Got it? Good.
Now... this is the last chapter. This story is now FINIS. I doubt there will be an epilogue, so this is it. I want to thank each and every one of you guys who read this story and e-mailed me about it. There are far too many of you to name off the top of my head, but Red, Jayne, Scott, Hamado, Wen, DARA, Jenny, the nsyncslash list (Sammy and Em for putting up with me), Dayse, CJ, Rachel, Shell, Kat, Jeany (the mprov group)... I could go on for pages thanking people. But really-- thank you guys for reading and for making this story a part of my life for five-some-odd months.
The chapter title comes from a Savage Garden song, "Affirmation". *****
Chapter 19- Forgiveness Is The Key
"Did they make up?" Chris whispered to Joey the next morning, staring at the sleeping pair in JC's room
"Well, they're not dead."
"Duh!"
"Sorry." Joey and Chris took one last look at the pair, who were peacefully sleeping on the bed. Justin had his arms wrapped around JC in a protective gesture, while JC was all curled up in a ball. Silently, Joey dragged Chris back into his and Lance's room.
"What now?" Chris asked softly.
"Let them sleep," Lance piped up, glancing up from his spot at the desk. He'd been sitting there for close to an hour, working on FreeLance stuff, and he finally decided to take a break. "We could ALL use a day for vegging out."
"Anyone want to go out later?" Chris asked. Joey and Lance studied each other for a minute, the nodded.
"Sure, we can go out for dinner or something. Get some group-time in."
"Sounds cool," Joey agreed, kissing his boyfriend lightly.
"I'll leave you two alone, then," Chris said, leaving the room as quietly as he and Joey had entered it. Joey sat down on the bed and sighed.
"What's wrong, Joe?"
"I keep thinking about AJ," Joey confessed. "I mean, how long was he planning on hurting you like that?" Lance's face twisted slightly.
"As long as I kept my mouth shut," he said bluntly. "He didn't care. He just hurt me. And he hurt Josh, but..." Lance trailed off.
"I still can't believe it was him..."
"Joey, leave it." Lance's voice had gone cold and Joey started to worry.
"Are you sure I'm the only one needing therapy here?" Joey asked slowly. "You seem kinda... in denial."
"I AM PERFECTLY FINE," Lance hissed through clenched teeth. "I am fine. I am FINE. IamfineIamfineIamfine!"
"Keep telling yourself that and someday you might believe it."
"I do believe it. I'm in therapy-- you know, that place where we were yesterday? JoBeth and all? That's called therapy. And JoBeth told me I'm fine."
"Are you, really?"
"YES! God, how many times do I have to repeat myself? I'm in therapy, I'm getting over it. Therefore, I'm fine."
"I don't think you are," Joey disagreed.
"Joey..."
"Lance, listen to me. JoBeth and I had a talk yesterday about you and about the way I've been acting. She showed me that I've been ignoring what you need, in order to keep up the appearance that I am the strong one here. I don't want to be the strong one anymore."
"Then what does that make me?" Lance asked bitterly. "The weak one? The sissy? The pansy?"
"Someone who needs love more than strength," Joey said simply. "I'm sorry if I made you feel like you were weak."
"But I am. I'm a weak, blubbering fag."
"Don't ever say that word again, James! We are NOT fags, no matter what the fucking church says. We are people who happened to fall in love with others of the same gender. We are NOT fags."
"Yes, we are. We're sinning in the eyes of the church and we're going straight to hell when we die. I don't want to go to Hell."
"You won't, I promise." Joey tried to convince Lance.
"I'm dirty." Lance went over and curled up on the bed again, confusing the heck out of Joey. They'd been doing so well recently! What happened?
"Lance, you're not dirty," Joey soothed. "We went over this already. You are the kindest, sweetest, most loving person I know."
"I deserved it."
"Why?" Joey's question seemed to confuse Lance.
"What?"
"Why do you think you deserved any of this?"
"I'm dirty, and I'm a fag. I needed to be punished."
"Oh, God Lance..." was all Joey could say. He climbed onto the bed behind his boyfriend and gently took the younger man into his arms. Lance tensed, but didn't fight. "Baby, nobody deserves to be raped. Got that? NOBODY."
"Then why did it happen to me?" Lance asked, his voice small.
"Because AJ is a sick individual. Because he enjoyed seeing you suffer."
"But why?" Tears had started streaming down Lance's face, matching the tears that flowed down Joey's.
"I don't know, love. I really don't know..." Lance turned to face Joey then, and buried his face in his boyfriend's neck. No more words were said as the two men simply held each other and cried.
When the tears finally ran out, Lance sat up.
"What now?" he asked, voice thick.
"We continue therapy, and we TALK to each other. Babe, I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me, because you can. I promise I won't be so closed off from you from now on. I thought that's what you needed, though. JoBeth made me see that you needed a human being, and not a robot."
"Thank you," Lance said softly, pressing himself against Joey's body. They lay in each other's arms for a while longer until Joey stirred.
"Feel up to doing anything?"
"Oh, I'm sure I can get up," Lance teased. Joey blushed.
"That's not what I meant and you know it."
"I know, but I like teasing you anyway. What did you have in mind for today?"
"Feel like going to the zoo or something? Just a place that's calm and non-threatening."
"That sounds like fun. Just the two of us?"
"Just the two of us. Now get dressed, and I'll tell Randy and Dre that we're leaving." Lance bounced off the bed into the bathroom, sending Joey into a fit of laughter. He was still laughing as he knocked on the door to their bodyguards' rooms.
"Yo?" a tired male voice came back.
"Dre, Lance and I are planning on heading out," Joey called back. "We want to go to the zoo."
"Give us half an hour," Randy's voice responded.
"We'll either be in our room or in Josh's," Joey yelled, going back into his room. Lance was just coming out of the bathroom, wearing nothing except what he came into the world wearing. Joey started to gawk, admiring his boyfriend's trim body. Any bruises and scars that he had from his ordeals were fading, although the emotional ones were still healing.
"Justin's up," Lance commented, grinning as he noticed Joey staring. He wiggled his ass a little, making Joey squirm as his pants suddenly became tight.
"He's not the only one that's 'up'... Damn you, Lansten," Joey growled. "You make me horny."
"We have half an hour," Lance said with a laugh. "Enough time for a..." no more words were needed as Joey quickly got naked and jumped his boyfriend.
"Lance?" Justin poked his nose into the room ten minutes later, blushed and quickly withdrew, closing the door behind him to give his friends some privacy. Hearing Lance and Joey having sex was bad enough, never mind seeing it! He retreated to JC's room, where the darkhaired man slept on, oblivious to the world around him. Justin watched him sleep for a while before sighing.
"What's wrong?" JC immediately asked, not even opening his eyes.
"You're awake?"
"I felt you leave the bed, and the sounds coming from the next room are pretty loud."
"Yeah, they're getting pretty hot and heavy..." Justin started, suddenly realizing what he was saying and turning bright red. JC opened his eyes and grinned.
"I don't see you blush very often," JC said quietly. "It's cute." Justin looked down at the floor and it was JC's turn to sigh. "We need to talk, Curly."
"We said what we needed to yesterday," Justin said. JC shook his head.
"No, you told me how you felt and I told you I was confused. Well, I was. But watching Lance and Joey yesterday made me realize something."
"What's that, Josh?" Justin sounded like he was scared of what JC was going to tell him.
"They're us, Justin. Every look, every touch, every THOUGHT... that's us and then some. We've done all that for years, we just never had a name for it."
"Are you telling me what I think you're telling me?"
"I love you, Justin," JC said. Justin's mouth fell open.
"You mean that, Josh? You really mean that?"
"Hon, when have you known me to say things I didn't mean?"
"Never," Justin whispered, collapsing in a heap on the bed beside JC, who sat up to accomodate his... well, what was Justin now?
"Justin, what are we?" JC asked, moving his hands to play with Justin's hair. For the first time in years, Justin pulled away. A hurt, insecure look entered JC's eyes, but Justin saw none of that when he turned to face JC.
"I don't know. We've admitted we love each other, but where do we go from here? We've been friends for so long..."
"I don't want us to ruin that, either. But this changes everything. We can't go back the way we were before, knowing how we feel."
"Never be the same again," Justin sang. JC smiled.
"Exactly."
"But I want to see where this could go, Josh."
"But our friendship..."
"No matter what happens, you'll always be my friend. I promise that I won't leave you, JC. Even if we break up under the most bitter terms, I will always be here for you."
"You really mean that?" JC asked quietly. Justin took his friend's face in his hands.
"Look into my eyes, Josh-- have I ever lied to you?"
"No," JC admitted, lowering his own eyes. "I can't remember the last time you told me something that wasn't true."
"I'm not lying now. I love you, Josh, and I want to try and build something with you, but I won't if you don't feel you're ready or whatever."
"How did I get so lucky to get you?" JC asked, eyes shining with unshed tears. "How are you so perfect and I'm so flawed?"
"I have my flaws, too! You are the perfect one, Josh. How you and Lance have survived all that's happened is beyond me."
"It hasn't been easy." JC glanced down at the scars on his wrists and Justin sighed.
"I'm here for you. Don't ever feel that you have to do that again. Even if it's just to use me as a punching bag, I want to know when you're upset, OK? I want you to talk to me instead of thinking so self-destructively."
"I promise, JuJube." JC lay back on the bed again and closed his eyes. Justin lay down next to him and carefully rested his head on JC's shoulder. When JC shifted, Justin started to sit up, but JC pulled him back down.
"Josh?"
"I like this," JC said, voice sleepy. "I like how I feel with you beside me."
"I love you, Josh."
"I love you, too, JuJube."
"Well, maybe we should get up," Lance whispered into Joey's hair after the third stomach rumble from his stomach.
"I'm too comfy," Joey protested, burrowing deeper under the covers.
"I'm hungry. And we have to go to the zoo. Remember-- we wanted to do something today?"
"But I fed you!" Lance blushed bright red and Joey laughed. "And yes, I remember that we promised to go out today."
"I need something more," Joey said, nuzzling Lance's neck. Lance laughed again and gently started to push Joey off the bed.
"Then get up and go have a shower."
"Only if you come with me."
"Joe, we'll never get anything accomplished if I have a shower with you. Now, GO," Lance ordered, fully pushing his boyfriend out of the bed this time. Joey landed with a thud and pouted.
"You're mean," he complained, picking himself up. Lance just grinned and admired his boyfriend's naked ass as Joey walked into the bathroom. Sighing contentedly, Lance began daydreaming as he waited for Joey to get out of the shower. He was so deep in thought that he never even heard the water shut off and Joey walk out into the main room, naked.
"Um?" Joey tried after a full minute of no reaction. Lance finally looked up and blushed.
"Oops?"
"You better be oopsing," Joey teased, turning on his heel and walking over to his suitcase, shaking his booty the whole way. Lance felt his pants grow smaller and groaned.
"You ass," Lance complained. "You know what that does to me..."
"I know," Joey said, laughing. "Now go take a shower yourself, loverboy. And you know you love this ass of mine."
"That's debateable," Lance grinned. "To make up for my sudden problem, you better be good tonight." With that, Lance was off. Joey just laughed and got dressed, thanking his lucky stars that Lance's moods changed so quickly. When he got into his funks, at least he didn't stay there long. He finished getting his hair done just as the water shut off, so Joey lay back on the bed and waited for Lance to come out.
"Lookin' good, boyfriend!" Joey sang, making Lance blush. "Looking HOT." Lance quickly pulled on a pair of pants, but 'forgot' to put on a shirt before turning to the mirror. Joey growled softly and pushed off the bed, causing it to hit the wall.
"IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX AGAIN, KEEP IT DOWN!" a voice yelled from JC's room in response to the sound. Lance started giggling and jumped on the bed, pulling Joey with him.
"Oh, Joey," he moaned, grinning. "OH FUCK!"
"WHAT DID I SAY?" the voice was recognizable as Justin's now. Joey started in, too.
"Harder, Lance!" he yelled, jumping slightly on the bed and causing it to hit the wall again. The connecting door flew open and Justin appeared.
"Keep it down!" Justin commanded, turning on his heel and preparing to leave the room again. "Even if you just jump on the bed and pretend to have sex. Josh is sleeping." Lance stopped bouncing and sat demurly. Joey reached over and grabbed his boyfriend, pulling him into his arms. Lance shifted so that he was resting against Joey and put his head back on the older man's shoulder.
"Comfy?" Joey asked softly. Lance nodded and glanced over at Justin.
"How is Josh?" Lance asked. Justin sighed.
"He's not sleeping too well right now. Nightmares. Do you get them, too?" Lance looked away, not really wanting to answer the question, but Joey nodded.
"He even wakes ME up sometimes, and that's hard to do."
"Well, JC's keeping me up, so I'm not getting much sleep either." A scream split the air and Justin softly groaned. "See what I mean?" Lance, Joey and Justin all ran next door where Justin immediately grabbed JC's shaking body.
"Is he going to be OK?" Joey asked softly. Justin didn't even spare him a glance.
"It's OK, it's OK," he soothed. "I'm right here, Josh." JC's eyes were open, but they weren't really focusing. He felt rather than saw Justin beside him, but that was enough.
"You left me," JC accused, pulling away slightly. Justin frowned.
"Never," he promised. "I told you that already! I won't leave you, Josh. We talked about this earlier."
"I don't keep my promises," JC muttered, looking away. It was Lance's turn to frown, getting the impression that JC was talking about him. He was talking about what he had done to one of his best friends, and it was obvious he hadn't forgiven himself yet.
"Josh..." Lance started, then paused. "Josh, it wasn't your fault, OK? I forgive you." JC's eyes came into focus and they widened. Justin just held JC, softly whispering soothing words at the same time that Lance was talking.
"You what? Why?"
"I know why now... I know you would never intentionally hurt anyone like that. I forgive you." Tears started rolling down JC's face and he pulled away from Justin fully. Justin frowned, but didn't try to hold JC again.
"Why can't you hate me? I hate me, so why can't you hate me, too? I want you to hate me. It will make me feel better if you hate me."
"How can you hate your beautiful self?" Justin challenged. "Clich,d as it sounds, you are beautiful, Josh. No matter what you think of yourself, I see somebody I love in front of me, but if he keeps this attitude up, he's going to drive everyone away. I love you, JC, make no mistake about that, but nobody can be pushed away forever and sooner or later you're going to lose us. ALL of us, including me."
"Maybe that's I want to do." Justin sighed. After all the ground they'd made up... he exchanged understanding looks with Joey, who had obviously gone through the same thing with Lance. And from the exasperated look on Joey's face and the uncomfortable look on Lance's, it hadn't been too long ago, either.
"Do you WANT me to leave you alone?" Justin finally asked JC. "Is that what you want me to do? Walk out that door and leave? Because that's what it seems like to me." Joey raised an eyebrow at Justin's harsh tone. He would NEVER take that tone with Lance! It was more likely to scare him than help him. Then again, maybe that was the whole point, as the fight just totally evaporated from JC's body.
"I deserve it after what I did."
"Oh, Josh," Justin exclaimed, forgetting about his silent vow not to hold the older man again as he grabbed JC into a tight hug. "Stop beating yourself up. Lance forgave you. That's all that matters, love. You're forgiven."
"I am?" Either JC hadn't been listening to Lance, or he was just realizing what Lance had said, because his eyes held a faint spark of hope.
"You're forgiven, Josh," Lance affirmed. JC smiled a tentative smile then. Lance impulively reached down and hugged JC. Justin let go and stepped back to give the two men more room, going over to stand with Joey. Together, they watched the little scene unfold in front of them. Justin finally felt like he was getting somewhere with JC. He watched Lance whisper something in JC's ear that caused JC to actually smile for the first time in weeks. Lance hugged him once more before rejoining Joey. Justin jumped on the bed and cuddled up to JC.
"Love you," JC said softly to Justin, who simply held on tightly.
"Love you," Lance said to Joey.
"Love you," Joey responded, kissing Lance briefly.
"I've always loved you," Justin said, holding JC closer. Chris poked his head in the room just then.
"Everything OK in here?" he asked, looking back and forth between the four.
"Everything's going to be fine, Chris," Lance said, smiling at JC, who was half-smiling back. "We're going to be just fine."
Hope you guys liked this chapter. If you LOVED this story and simply must have more of my writing (not likely, but anyway..) my website can be found at http://www.envy.nu/colleensfic.