Utterly true...
I was cruising the streets looking for something. Looking for love? Looking for sex? God I dunno... I'm 18 and it was a Friday night. My last night in Montreal. I was depressed. Half the reason I went was to go see a certain dude, but he decided to ditch me for his ex's cottage, without telling me, after he spent the last day telling me he needed to see me and made me feel all important. The other half... to get drunk off my arse with sum friends. And after two days of being checked out by old men, drinking, and emotional turmoil brought on by certain people, I was at an all-time low. So I let one girl stay in my hotel room and make out with her new found boytoy, and took my other buddy and my best friend out for some munchies.
So I did the usual thing, threw on some jeans, my docks, a tight red asian shirt, and threw on about five different necklaces. Spiked my hair... with shaving cream of all things cuz well... I just happened to forget to pack one little thing and had to be resourceful. Threw on my black visor and called it set. We all had a lot on our minds but I had far more in my desires. The second I stepped onto St. Cathrines I was scanning the streets like a lil tiger. I wanted boy meat =( I was hella hungry.
But within five minutes of walking up the street, two lil dudes decked out in black and white anarchism just stepped up. He checked me out completely obvious to me and everyone with me and looked back on me with a genuine smile on his face... and an undescribable look in his eyes. He had the most incredible blonde hair, and his smooth boy skin was like glowing with energy. He was so beautiful to me in that flash second, I wanted to touch him but I froze. I always wanted to be impulsive, like my best friend, who just takes what she wants when she wants it, but something stopped me. Maybe disbelief that someone even took an interest in me at first glance. I am in no way ugly or anything... and I try to look good, and keep boyish. But I really have self esteem issues and maybe that's what held me back. Hell she told me to chase after him but I just couldn't. So in a flash he was there and gone, I looked back and he just kept walking. I was gone from his mind but he remained in mine.
Pretty pathetic huh? Well not really... I've had my fair share of being checked out, but this was different. There was something special about the way he looked. I can't describe it. We ended up walking a block to some cheap-ass pizza place, and we bitched at each other for a while. And out of nowhere I just... started to cry. Cry for what I dunno. That my ex-bestfriend (who I left in the hotel room) had six months to live? That she just might be lying about it for attention? That I needed a quick love and let the one flash chance I MIGHT have had at something that whole trip disintegrated before me due to my lack of confidence?
Sigh... life's like that. And its things like this, the boy, the one second, the look in his eyes and the way he made me feel since, and knowing full well he was right in front of me, but I just didn't have it in me to do something about him... remind me that fate doesn't exist outside ourselves. It's up to us to take control, and not to whine and say `it wasn't meant to be' when we realize just what was going on. Its also this kind of crap that reminds us we're actually alive. He was special. So am I. So this is what they call reality. And I'm still thinking of him. Where are you...
nemo-x@sympatico.ca