Tarot Cards and More

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Again, Alex just nodded. I didn't know if he was ok with how the conversation was going. He gave me the sensation he didn't feel well by not being in control. In his daily life he was in control all the time and I just took that out of his hands. Once again I had to give him that control back and find a way to make him feel he never lost it.

• I like it that you are sure of yourself and take initiatives. The fact you decided to just drop by without warning and even had some coffee with you, was endearing. I didn't only like it, I loved it!

He smiled. I suddenly realized it was the first time he sincerely smiled. It was not a smile of politeness, no, it was a sincere smile that formed on his lips, illuminating his face and shinning like a bright light in his eyes. I fell in love with his smile. Just right there and then I knew Tiffany had seen it all right! Yes, definitely, I was falling for this guy big time, and it was all because of that one smile.

We were progressing, slowly but with determination. The mutual attraction was out in the open. I knew I was falling for Alex, but he hadn't said anything yet. I guessed he was falling as well, but wasn't sure yet. It was possible that he was a promiscuous guy, wanting to have quick sex and then disappear. It was not what he showed though. He was a lot more relaxed as soon as I dropped the subject of the attraction. I just wondered if he was at ease and at peace with his own sexual orientation. Time would tell. It was possible he was not out at his job! Maybe his being gay was something he wanted to keep to himself. On the other hand, he had admitted it to me. My intuition told me to not pressure him in any way and as Tiffany always said I had to listen to it, I did.

That morning, we never left the kitchen. Alex was clearly an addict to coffee. I had emptied my mug while he drank three! Strangely enough, as I thought coffee was exciting people, it seemed to relax Alex. He talked freer and more open, as long as I avoided talking about any gay subject, although he perfectly well knew that subject would come back on the table at one or another moment. It made me understand his reaction when he had called me the first time.

The moment Alex was the most at ease was when I asked him things about his work. It was obvious he loved his job and was even passionate about it. He could talk about it for hours and explain with quite some details how he had caught a few criminals. I noticed he intertwined his fingers when he explained those things, as if he was saying a prayer. When explaining a case his fingers were intertwined and as he explained it further he started to move his hands and arms, gesticulating a lot, like the Italians. Hmm... Tiffany was definitely right with his "Mediterranean origins". That made me smile to myself. Wasn't it notorious that Italians were passionate lovers? It sure promised!

The ringing of Alex's phone interrupted our conversation. He looked at the caller's ID and was clearly annoyed, but accepted the call anyway. Alex was annoyed but stayed very polite, talking to the caller. I immediately understood it was one of his men at the police station. I expected a sentence that came far too quickly.

• I'll be over in about ten minutes, Alex said.

And with that he stood up and apologized profusely. I tried to sound understanding and not making a big deal out of it, but inside my head I was cursing the colleague who called. I knew that was going to be my life in the future. We were not a couple yet even though we admitted the attraction, but I firmly believed in Tiffany's prediction. I considered it a first test and thought I handled it well till Alex was out of the door. We hadn't kissed or anything of the sort. Alex had outstretched his hand and we shook it, although we kept them together again longer than needed for politeness purposes. While Alex's hand was in mine, we look intensely at each other and I had the feeling Alex wanted to pull me in for a kiss, but was not comfortable with it yet. He asked if he could drop by at another time and I, of course, said yes.

• But please, the next time you come, forget about the coffee of the vending machine!

He laughed heartedly at that and was gone before I even realized it. I was still standing there, holding the door open, for about five minutes, half expecting Alex to come running back and kiss me. It didn't happen. When I finally closed it, my mind went wandering about this first real personal meeting. I tried to analyze it and understand it. Apart from the fact he had admitted he found me attractive, nothing had been said at all about our most inner feelings. I was still puzzled with his strange behavior about being gay. Alex was a talkative guy, but NOT about homosexuality. For the first time, I really wanted to know more. I couldn't read the cards for myself, but Tiffany definitely could. I went over to her house and as always, it looked like she was expecting me. I asked her about that.

• Yes, indeed, I feel it when you are coming over. It is that special connection we have since the first day we met. Do you remember that I told you, you could drop by whenever you wanted? That was when I knew that we had that connection and that something deep inside of me would announce your arrival. It has been like that ever since. So tell me, what is bothering you?

She was dressed in a typical Moroccan light purple djellaba, giving her the freedom of movement. The color was not surprising me as all shades of purple are considered "esoteric" and was at the same time her favorite color. She said down in her easy chair while I sat in the sofa in front of her. I told her about Alex's visit and his shutting down when the theme of homosexuality was the subject of our conversation. I also mentioned my fears in regards to a relationship with Alex and his unforeseen phone calls that would drag him out of the house at any time of the day or the night.

• You are running ahead of yourself Gerald, she said, you are preoccupied for things that haven't even occurred yet. Let me tell you something. As you are an erudite man, you'll understand quite quickly. The word "preoccupied" is very clear: being occupied with things before they occur and it is the prefix "pre-" that says so. Now, preoccupying oneself is a loss of energy, because you are worrying about something that hasn't even happened and that you are not sure it will ever happen. You don't have a clue about how Alex will or wants to handle things. Stop worrying and live in the present, not the past or the future.

• Ok, I said, I understand that. But what about something that has happened then? How do I have to interpret his complete silence after he admitted he found me attractive? Why his silence?

She asked me to go and sit at the table. I knew she had a slight idea, but wanted the confirmation of the cards. Her swift move to open the cards made me jealous. She had such a way of opening the cards that I never reached as much as I tried to. She asked for five cards. When she turned around the first one it was "The Lovers" which indicated we were talking about an emotional situation where there were doubts. The second one was "The Hanged Man", indicating there was an obstacle. The third one was "The Hermit" telling me to be patient and that the end of a situation was to be expected. The fourth one was "The Wheel of Fortune" which tells us that there is a definite evolution of people and situation and the last one (my favorite) was "The World" that indicates the total success.

Tiffany looked at me and smiled.

• I can tell you that these cards can rarely be more specific. Looking at the cards your subconscious chose, and certainly the order in which they came out, there is no doubt about the situation. Your situation with Alex is blocked for some reason, but I guess both have the necessary knowledge and wisdom to bring that to an end, after what your relationship will follow its natural evolution and the blossoming of it, bringing total satisfaction. I don't know why you doubt about all this. The only knot that has to be undone is the obstacle Alex has in his way. I don't what it is but as it comes out early in the row, I would say it is something from his past, not yesterday or the day before, but something from years ago. Probably a traumatic event that has affected him more than he admits to himself.

• I guessed that at the start, but discarded it. I don't know why though. It was my first intuition and once more I did the mistake of not listening to it. It's like you said Tiffany, it's so difficult to interpret things for oneself. The question now is how to make him come out of his shell.

• Be patient Gerald, Tiffany said, as soon as he is ready he will talk, believe me! You'll have to be patient. You like cooking, don't you? Well, than you know you can't take the potatoes off the fire before about twenty minutes, otherwise they won't be soft inside. The same is valid for Alex. Wait and he will come of his shell like you said.

She was, once again, so right! Now, waiting was not precisely my strongest point. As I believed Tiffany and her intuition that Alex and I were made for each other, and even were soul mates, it was extremely hard to be patient and wait that the situation resolved itself. I caught myself on a daily basis to be thinking about him more and more. I loved his personality, I was enthralled by his voice and yes, I admit it, I wanted a physical contact and make love to him and with him. It had been such a long time already since I had known the physical intimacy with a man and I longed for it.

The next Saturday, exactly one week after his visit with the horrible coffee, Alex woke me up once more quite early in the morning.

• Good morning, he said, I didn't bring coffee as you told me to forget about it, but I surely could use some.

I smiled and let him in. He didn't wait for an invitation and sat down at the kitchen island while I made a fresh pot of coffee. I took some cream out of the fridge and put down the sugar in front of him. His eyes followed every move I made. He was making me nervous and I almost dropped the pot of coffee that I put down on the island, and searched for some point of support to steady myself. As my hands were on the surface, he put his on my right hand. I felt a warm and relaxing energy invading me. I wanted to thank him for this and put my left hand on his. Alex immediately stiffened and although I had the sensation he wanted to withdraw his hand, he didn't move. He was like paralyzed, but his eyes kept looking straight into mine. I tried to transmit as much love as I could and even if he calmed down and somehow relaxed, I could still feel some apprehension. I took my hands away.

• Alex, I can feel something is bothering you. I won't pressure you to tell me and reach some relief. It is completely up to you. I am a good listener it you need to spill it out. Whenever you want, I'll be there.

Alex sighed. I thought he was going to shut himself up. His smile had disappeared.

• Knowing you have strong intuitions, as you proved in the past, I guess you will know or feel or suspect it at any time. Maybe it is better I spill it out like you say. But before I tell you anything, let me switch off my phone because I don't want any interference while telling you what's on my heart.

He took out two cell phones and I guessed one was private and the other a professional one. He intertwined his fingers and took a deep breath.

• It all happened several years ago. I was a young policeman, fresh out of the police academy. I was assigned to an older police officer that was investigating a gang that was the terror of the neighborhood. His normal partner was working under cover and had succeeded in being part of that gang. His partner didn't like it, but he had to do it, as George was too old to get in. George had a daily contact with his partner and they were reaching the point where they could probably arrest the whole gang, leader included. The Special Forces were included in the operation. The whole building was surrounded. We were about to assault the place when an unexpected shooting begun. Bullets cleaved the air at an incredible speed and making such a horrible sound that we didn't even hear each other. The assault was not going as planned. It was supposed to be without any shooting to start with. The Special Forces were supposed to get into the place and intimidate the gang so quickly that they wouldn't have time to grab their arms. We knew they had arms as our under cover agent had informed us properly.

Alex breathed in deeply. It was obvious that just remembering the events was hard to him. He had the vivid images in front of his eyes.

• I was scared to death, he went on. We had been prepared for a lot of things at the police academy, but the real sound of the bullets was something I was not prepared for. The reality of what was happening was almost paralyzing me. George pulled me with him, following the Special Forces into the building. Once we were inside we couldn't see a thing because of the dust in the air as a result of the shootings. When the gang members started shooting again, the Special Forces answered without delay till an order was shouted to stop fire. The silent was even more deafening than the shooting. The smoke and dust settled down slowly and we were faced with a horrible scene. From the gang there was not one survivor! George looked with eyes as big as saucers. He looked over the place, apparently looking for something. He got closer to the corpses all over the place, till he fell on his knees next to one of them. The cry tat came out of him was unnatural. It was a cry of pure agony. He looked up at the sky and asking God: "WHY???"

Alex had moist eyes telling me that event. It was crystal clear in his memory. That "WHY" was still reverberating in his ears. It was tearing his heart to pieces. He took a sip of coffee. I didn't say a word, but looked intensely at him.

• George took his partner in his arms, rocking him like a baby, and crying tears that came straight from his heart. He called for someone to call an ambulance although he knew his partner didn't need an ambulance anymore. It was the work of the coroner now. Nobody dared to make a move. Everybody, even the Special Forces, was petrified. As the building was a kind of an old warehouse, George's cries echoed even more. We learned afterwards that George and his partner were related to each other more than by work. It seemed they were lovers and George had done everything he could to dissuade his partner to work under cover because of the dangers. His partner was buried with all the possible police honors, but George couldn't assimilate his death. He fell into a very deep depression. The official police psychologist was totally surpassed by his case and sent him to a psychiatrist. That doctor couldn't do a lot either and only a few months after the assault, George committed suicide.

Alex had told the whole story almost in one breath. He inhaled deeply and pushed the air out of his lungs again. I didn't know if he wanted me to say anything or not. As I supposed there was a more to the story, I just kept silent.

• The whole event affected me a lot, but it was what happened afterwards that was the hardest. After all, I had worked with George only a few weeks. What happened was that some colleagues had homophobic comments about George and his partner, calling him all kind of names except nice ones. One of them thought he was a real man and said that the "sissy" deserved what he had gotten. That made my blood boil in my veins. I couldn't help myself and attacked him with such a force that he ended up in hospital with a broken nose, a few teeth missing, broken ribs and broken arm and I had hit him so hard between his legs that they had to amputate him of one of his testicles. He pressed charges of course. I knew I had done something wrong and had to appear in court. I contracted a gay lawyer who worked for the gay community. That was probably my salvation because he diminished my mistake and took it out as a self- defense in the contest of a much more general sense of hate towards gays. The self-defense was admitted although I had started the fight. I won the case, but it was obvious I wasn't going to be at the police station I was assigned to. My direct superior saved my ass by transferring to this town. As they were afraid the whole story would reach the news they promoted me to officer as a way of making me shut up. My lawyer advised me to accept the offer of transfer and promotion and to try to contain myself in similar future situations. I did!

Alex paused again to gather his thoughts.

• Once I was here, I vowed myself to never fall in love and be confronted with the problem of George and his partner. At the station everybody knows I am gay, as the police world is very small and the news goes very fast. Nonetheless, my men have learned to appreciate my work and I am even respected for it, but also as a human being. It is obvious that nobody would ever make a homophobic remark in my presence! I often think about George and his partner that are reunited in what is supposed to be a better world. Since I arrived in this town I have been faithful to my vows of not falling in love, till...

He looked up at me and straight in my eyes.

• ... till I met you. When I met you at Tiffany's and those electric sparks jumped over from one hand to the other, I was lost. I looked in your eyes and I knew I wanted to see them again. Once I was back at the office I immediately did the necessary research to find you. I called you but as you picked up I was at a loss of words and I invented another call because I didn't know what to say. You invited me for a beer and even though I was actually in the neighborhood, I didn't answer because I didn't know if I was ready. I don't have to repeat everything that you know.

He suddenly looked really relaxed. It was as if there was a burden that had been taken from his shoulders. I instinctively knew it was the first time he told the whole story in one go. It flattered me to know that he had chosen me to spill it out. Didn't that mean he trusted me? I guessed it did, at least a little. Alex had his hands flat on the counter of the kitchen island. I wanted to see if there was any change in his behavior now that he had told his story and I covered his hands with mine. He didn't withdraw them and didn't tense up. That was a serious improvement.

• I am scared, he said, really scared. Scared of myself, scared of what can happen and even scared that one day you'll be hurt. It is not a pleasant feeling, I can assure you.

• You don't have to be scared. Living with fear is the best way to miss half of your life. Being scared is a negative feeling that avoids you to live life to the fullest. Take it as a challenge and go for your fears. It is only when you face them and control them that they will fade away. I am sure you were scared when defending George's memory and attacked your colleague, but you did. The result is that people respect you and the fear is now on their side. You transferred the fear to others and it is something that you over won. I have to admit I had fears as well, but I've put them aside. If we don't face our fears, we don't do anything in our lives.

• I know you are right, but... In a very few meetings and little conversation, I came to care for you more than what I ever imagined that I would. You are a very special person Gerald and I'd rather hurt myself than hurt you. What would happen if in one of the missions I have to complete, I get a bullet?

• And what would happen if you were NOT a police officer, but a bank employee and a truck hit you and killed you on the spot? Listen Alex, if you stop doing things because of that, you could better sit in your house and never come out of it and cross your fingers there is no plane crashing on top of it. We are all bound to die one day. Dying is not really difficult for the person itself, but for the ones who remain here. If you have to stop living for that, you'd better buy a rope and hang yourself immediately.

He was giving serious thoughts to what I just told him.

• Ok, I said, let's have another example. I work from home. I can easily be sitting at my desk, typing furiously on my keyboard. Suddenly, because of the age of the house, the fuel thank in the basement explodes. Alex, it is all part of fate. As I said, if you live with fears, you don't live. What you are doing is thinking about possibilities in the future and you don't know if they will happen!

I explained him what Tiffany had told me about the concept of being "preoccupied". He smiled and admitted that his fears maybe were not justified.

• Maybe? Come on Alex, you are an intelligent person. You use your brains every day to resolve wicked problems. Live the present, as the past is gone and can't be changed and the future is a real mystery. Your fears won't prevent what Destiny has in store for you. You can fear it and live a paranoid life, constantly looking over your shoulder to see if anything is going to happen to you. The other option is to forget about it and live your life smiling.

• It is not about me, it is about you! Alex replied. I can't even imagine what it would be to have you suffering because of me.

• I would probably suffer even more if I had to live with someone who is totally paranoiac! Have you ever heard the song "The Rose" by Bette Midler? And if you heard it, do you remember the lyrics?

Alex nodded but I decided to let him hear it again. I looked in my CD collection and found it. I switched on the Hi-Fi and soon the room was filled with the soft music.

"Some say love, it is a river "That drowns the tender reed. "Some say love, it is a razor "That leaves your soul to bleed. "Some say love, it is a hunger, "An endless aching need. "I say love, it is a flower, "And you its only seed. " "It's the heart afraid of breaking "That never learns to dance. "It's the dream afraid of waking "That never takes the chance. "It's the one who won't be taken, "Who cannot seem to give, "And the soul afraid of dyin' "That never learns to live. " "When the night has been too lonely "And the road has been too long, "And you think that love is only "For the lucky and the strong, "Just remember in the winter "Far beneath the bitter snows "Lies the seed that with the sun's love "In the spring becomes the rose.

When the last note of the song ended, I looked at Alex and he sheepishly smiled and nodded. As I had my hand still on his, he turned it around and took my hand in his and squeezed it softly. The huge contrast in Alex was that over-confident police officer and the shy, insecure and scared man in private. I wondered how he managed to switch from one to the other in no time. It was amazing!

Can you put on this song one more time? Alex asked.

I pushed on the Play button of the remote control and the music filled the house once again. Alex stood up without letting my hand go. On the contrary! He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around my waist. The only thing I could do was wrapping my arms around his neck and we slowly danced to that marvelous song. Well, I don't know if you can call this dancing, as we almost didn't move. It was more a soft and slow swinging of our bodies pressed together.

When the last note ended, but still hung in the air, Alex put his finger under my chin and gently forced me to look in his eyes. I couldn't read his eyes yet, but what I saw was maybe love, maybe gratitude. The thing was that I saw his head leaning in slowly, till our lips brushed against each other. That hunk of a man, forceful and self-confident police officer turned out to be the most romantic guy I had ever met in my life. The soft touch of his hands on both sides of my face, the tender loving brushing of his lips on mine and his chest pressed against mine, made me melt into him. This was soft but oh, so intense at the same time. My tongue licked his closed lips, asking to open up and he did. Our tongues met for the first time, softly and smoothly. They seemed to dance together and not fighting for supremacy in the cavern of our mouths. We were standing there, perfectly still. No, our hearts didn't increase in beating. No, our breaths didn't get heavy. It was just a tender moment were we connected completely. When we parted, Alex looked in my eyes with so much love I almost drowned in them.

• That's a promise Gerald, he said, no more fears! We will, if you agree, live the moment. We will go on with our lives like they were with only one exception: we will share what our hearts tell us, without withholding any secrets. Sharing will be from now on our most favorite activity, mentally, spiritually and physically. We won't hurry into things, but we won't make any pauses.

He didn't let me answer. He just pressed his mouth on mine again and although there was no music playing, we were dancing again, slowly and softly and enjoying the moment. Feeling him so close was just heaven on earth. It was a special moment where we shared a certain intimacy without any prejudiced look of anybody. We shared this moment, not only with our mouths and bodies pressed together, but also with our hearts. The kiss lasted a very long time and none of us wanted the moment to end. The more we kissed, the more we felt connected. Even if Alex was a bit tense when he entered my house, he relaxed totally. I could feel the strength of his arms holding me and showing an obvious determination to keep me as close as he could. I didn't intend to go anywhere!

To be continued if you guys tell me you like the story so far. All comments welcome at amahy1957@gmail.com