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XxXxX
"Hold on!"
I heard the phone ringing in the kitchen while I was treating the water in the hot tub. It was an abnormally warm day for November but it didn't make much difference. I used the hot tub whether it was summer, fall, or winter. My back was a bit sore from work the day previous and I was really looking forward to a good soak with the jets targeted right on my back.
"Hello?" I ran in and picked up the receiver after the third or fourth ring. I couldn't hear anything on the other end.
"Hello, hello..." I sing-songed figuring I'd give the sales rep I was sure was on the other end a good chuckle.
Nobody answered at first and I was ready to hang up the phone when I finally heard the person on the other end of the line draw in a trembling breath.
"Hello? Who's there?" I asked as I was becoming annoyed.
"B...B...Bryan?" It was a man's voice that I didn't recognize. It was shaking and unsure, and I immediately realized something was wrong.
"Yeah, who the hell is this?" It didn't really dawn on me until I looked over at the patio door off of the kitchen and started staring at size 8 sneakers.
"Jakob? Is that you? What's going on?"
"Please help me." I heard his words and I went cold inside.
"Jakob, what the fuck is going on? Are you alright?"
I could hear him start sobbing and I honestly didn't know what to think. My heart started racing; my adrenalin started pumping. My hands trembled slightly as I imagined the worst; another car accident and injury.
"Jakob, where the hell are you? What's going on?"
"Please come..."
"Jakob, where are you? Are you at work?" My voice was rising with my level of fear.
"Back alley of St. Anthony's."
"On 82nd?"
"Bryan, hurry! I think he's coming again." "Who's coming? Jakob, what the fuck is going on?" I was beyond alarmed at this point.
Jakob hung up the phone and I stared at the receiver with my heart pounding in my ears. I scrambled around the kitchen searching for my car keys. I barely had my jacket on when I was half way out of the door into the garage and in my car slamming it out of the driveway.
XxXxX
"Bryan...I'm sorry..."
Jakob was full out crying and I was about to lose my mind. I gazed at his face through the light of the television, as he became very drowsy from the emotional ride he had just been through with me. He was clutching tightly at my hand as he struggled to stay awake, but I had wrapped the comforter tightly around us and began to stroke his soft waves in an effort to soothe him. He officially delegated me to be his protector from now on, and I wore the title on my heart with pride. He chose me-from the moment he called me to come and get him and ran out beaten and torn from the church. He had chosen me to be his. I was his.
"Shhhhh...baby. It's not your fault, Jakob. It's not your fault." I whispered softly in order to comfort him.
"Sometimes I just wanna sleep and not wake up."
"Jakob, no. Don't say shit like that."
"But I feel like...like I..." Jakob could barely get the words out through the crying. He was suddenly very alert again.
"I feel like I can't get him out of me. It's like he's all over me...I just want him off..." Jakob's voice trailed off as he continued sobbing.
"I'm gonna fucking kill him, I swear to God" I said in a rage I had never felt before.
"No, you can't. You can't do that. You can't." Jakob cried.
"Jakob, I can't not make this right. You can't ask that of me, especially after what he put you through. I can't let that scumbag keep breathing!"
"No, you can't. I can't lose you; you're all I got, Bryan! If you do that...no! No!"
"Shhhhh..." he was becoming even more hysterical and I just wanted to settle him down and comfort him.
"Promise me, Bryan. I don't want you in trouble. You can't get in trouble, it's not worth it. I can't lose you to him; you have to stay away from him. Promise me. Promise!"
"Jakob, you need to calm down. You're getting worked up."
"You have to promise me, Bryan."
"Okay, Shhhhh...I promise, baby. It's okay. Shhhhh...I promise, just take it easy."
I stroked his hair and encouraged him to settle. Jakob's eyelids eventually drew heavy. He finally gave into the weight of them and his breathing slowed as he drifted off to sleep. I continued my gentle petting of his hair and I tried not to think about what he had desperately been trying to keep from everyone for months. It was futile; his story played itself in my mind over and over again. I knew now; the rape hadn't been just a random occurrence by someone unknown. It had been perpetrated by someone Jakob had known since he was a little boy; by someone he trusted and regarded as a friend.
I tried not to, but ended up rehashing in my mind what Jakob had told me. How lost and alone he felt after his parent's death, and how much comfort he felt from his church. He felt closer to his mom and dad by being there and so he went almost every day. I could still hear his voice shaking as he explained how it happened; how someone he trusted so much fed on his vulnerability and innocence and subjected Jakob to unspeakable things, in the church, no less. My head was swimming as I pictured Jakob searching for a phone with no clothes, and barely any strength left. I replayed in my mind, his frantic phone call to me-crying and pleading for me to come find him in that alley behind the church. I remembered how I found him.
My body racked with sobs as I tried to fight back the tears, but failed miserably. I pressed my face against Jakob's, and clutched his body tightly to mine. I promised him I'd protect him. I promised him that nobody would ever hurt him like that again, but that I wouldn't get revenge. How would I keep that promise when all I wanted was to watch the life drain from the animal that tortured the love of my life? I didn't know if that was a promise I could keep.
I woke up with Jakob's head on my shoulder while the rest of him was curled up tightly against my side. He looked completely at peace; his long eyelashes shadowing his cheekbones. There was no sign on his face of the nightmare he shared with me the night previous. His breathing was light and regular; his arms bent with both hands resting underneath his chin.
I let my hand wander to his hair and noticed it had quickly become an addiction of mine. I loved the way his waves curled around my fingers; soft and silky to the touch. I loved the way his hair looked completely disheveled in the morning; wild and sexy.
I stroked his face softly and felt him stir beneath my touch. He let his right arm stretch out and rest itself on me; his hand seeming to automatically find the sparse amount of chest hair I had. His fingers were rubbing back and forth over it.
"You awake?" I whispered while my thumb lightly brushed over his lips.
"Mmmmm...please don't make me move. Just hold me." Jakob mumbled into my shoulder.
"Okay, baby. Okay," I answered and rolled on my side facing him.
I pulled him closer into me and wrapped both arms around him. His face pressed into my chest after he rubbed his nose into the hairs there. His left arm was bent and trapped in between the sofa and my hold. He tucked his right arm beneath my left and I could feel his thumb move gently side to side on my back. We both fell back to sleep.
XxXxX
"Bryan, what's up, buddy?"
I felt Mark squeeze my shoulder before he sat next to me on the bench outside. I didn't answer; I only looked down at my lettuce and tomato sandwich with disinterest.
"Jesus Christ man, are you ever glum. What the fuck is going on with you?"
I shook my head wordlessly, and tossed my untouched sandwich back into my lunchbox. I looked out across the parking lot of the shop and watched the puddles ripple from the light breeze that was blowing on this relatively warm Friday afternoon. Winter was finally fading, and I could smell spring in the light wind that moved against my face. Winter was fading, but the memories of it remained.
Two months ago I made a promise to Jakob that I'd let it go and not go after the creep that hurt him, but I was beginning to feel resentful. I couldn't keep the images of him in that position out of my mind. It was bad enough that I couldn't stop Jakob from being raped, but every night I lay in bed and felt guilty for not getting even for it. I wanted the man to pay for what he did. What kind of a man was I? What kind of friend and lover was I for leaving things unresolved?
Every day after work I'd drive by the church and park the car in the parking lot by the dumpster where I found Jakob. I'd sit in a quiet rage and imagine taking my time making the monster suffer for ever even touching Jakob. One evening I got out of my car and got as far as the door before remembering how Jakob begged me not to get into trouble for fear I'd be taken away from him. I felt like a coward when I got back into my car and drove back home.
The guilt was becoming too much. I could barely look at Jakob. I knew Jakob could sense it, and although I knew it wasn't fair to Jakob, I couldn't help it. I wanted revenge. Even though it wasn't what Jakob wanted, I felt like I was betraying him by not making a move. How could I protect him, if I couldn't make what happened to him right?
"Bryan," Mark urged me out of my thoughts.
"Wha?" My head shot up as the sound of his voice startled me out of my thoughts.
"Whoa. You're like a million miles away. What's going on with you Bryan?"
"I'm..." What the hell was I going to say to him? He had no idea who I was and what was going on in my life outside of work.
"I'm having problems." It was barely a whisper that escaped from my mouth.
"I...I don't know what to do..." I broke down and buried my head in my arms, the reality hitting me like a freight train. I felt Mark gently rubbing my back with his hand; his voice was very gentle.
"Bryan, what's wrong, man? Look, I know I'm a dipshit most of the time, but talk to me anyway. You've been acting strange for months, now. The guys have been worried."
I chuckled at the thought of those bunch of men worrying about me. Like the night I took off and made one of the biggest mistakes of my life by fucking some chick from the strip club just to prove to them I wasn't in love with another man. Nobody stopped me when I intentionally hurt Jakob just to satisfy a bunch of guys I had nothing to do with outside of work.
I looked at him through my tears and shook my head. I needed to talk; I needed to do something, but I didn't know if I could trust him. I did like him, but Mark was a playboy macho fuck most of the time that cared more about getting laid than whether or not his house was burning down.
"Bryan, I'm serious. I want to help if I can."
I looked at Mark and I slowly and cautiously told him about finding Jakob in the alley, and what had been done to him. Mark was silent as he watched me carefully as I explained my need for revenge, and nodded slowly when I explained all of the hatred that lived inside of me because of what happened. I talked of how life was eating me up inside, and how everything was starting to take its toll on my 'friendship' with Jakob. Through it all, Mark wore the face of someone who understood. His hand roamed around my back gently, and he finally spoke up after my rambling.
"Bryan, can I ask you a personal question?"
"Go for it." I answered without deliberation of what the question might be.
"Are you gay?"
I shook my head in an attempt to deny who I was, but then stopped. How could I deny who I really was, and how much I loved Jakob? He was the one who I'd been in love with for so long. How could I do that to him? The guilt was overwhelming me and I wanted to bolt and run. I didn't know how to answer him and still be honest with myself.
"What do you think, Mark?" I half answered, half asked under my breath.
"Well, to be honest, I'm confused. The guys were all talk and joked around, but that's all it was...just joking. I mean that night at the bar you were all over that chick. I mean you fuckin' go home with her and who knows what went on."
My stomach felt like a chunk of ice at the memory.
"But your friend, this Jakob kid, and the way you two looked at each other-it made me wonder. And the way he got pissed off at you and took off that night. And the way you talk about him." Mark looked at me thoughtfully. "What gives, Bryan?"
"I don't know what I am, Mark. I'm me. That's all I know."
"That's a bullshit answer, Bryan."
I looked at him as he called it out so well. He was right. It wasn't only a bullshit answer; somebody who was full of bullshit gave it out. I was tired of hiding. I was tired of pretending.
"I've never loved anyone the way I love him. Not anyone in my whole life."
"Sooo...you two...y'know?" I didn't know whether to thump Mark's skull, or laugh at the ridiculousness of his question. I could feel him grinning at me and I shook my head in disgust.
"Would you like a fuckin' picture, Mark?" His sudden interest in my relationship with Jakob was becoming irritating.
Mark shook his head and continued to rub my back. "How old is he? I mean, how long have you two been together?"
"He'll be 19 in a couple of weeks. We've been friends since he was 16. He used to go to school with Jordan. That's how I met him."
"Christ, Bryan. He's just a baby." Mark was snickering.
"Yeah...he's my baby." I whispered wholeheartedly, and smiled for the first time in weeks.
Mark shifted slightly, like he was uncomfortable and we sat in silence for a few minutes.
"So, who did it?" Mark broke the silence.
I could feel my stomach clench, and I wanted to throw up.
"A priest from his church."
The name and the image of him doing unspeakable things to Jakob burned me to the core. Jakob had been so innocent-a perfect target for someone looking to cause damage.
"Jesus fuckin' Christ, Bryan. A priest?" Mark was incredulous.
I looked at him angrily as his voice was carrying across the grounds and I didn't want anyone to hear our conversation. Mark looked around nervously, and piped down.
"A fuckin' priest, Bryan? That shit's been all over the news lately. How sick is that?"
"You don't have to remind me. It's all I think about."
"Call the fucking cops, man." He suggested, but I was shaking my head.
Mark became annoyed. "What do you mean? Don't give me that shit, Bryan. That bastard belongs behind bars."
"Don't you think I fuckin' know that?" I yelled in desperation, and then struggled to collect myself.
"Do you think I want that bastard out there? You don't think that everyday I wanna find him and kill his sorry fuckin' ass for what he did? The subject's been exhausted. Jakob doesn't want to press charges. The pig knew his parents for Christ's sake. He's known him since he was a little kid. Jakey's scared of him. He thinks nobody's gonna believe him, and that this prick will get off and come after him."
"He's known him since he was little? Cripes, Bryan do you think this is the first time?"
Jakob hadn't talked about it and so the thought hadn't even crossed my mind until Mark had asked me the question. I raised my hands in resignation and shook my head in answer. I had no idea if this was the first and only time Jakob had been abused by that monster. The thought of it was slowly making me insane.
"This is serious, Bryan. You can't let him get away with this."
"I don't know what to do. He made me promise to stay away from him; scared of me getting in trouble." I said helplessly, and buried my head back in my arms and started crying again.
"Bryan, I don't know, man. It'll be someone else's son, daughter, or boyfriend next week. You know what I'm saying? We can't let this motherfucker get away with that."
"We?" I looked up at Mark, and he grinned at me. I knew Mark was right.
"You look like shit. You should go home, Bryan. I'll cover for you. Go home and be with Jakob."
"Mark, you think what's his face is gonna let me off? Besides, I can take care of myself." I said bitterly as I closed up my lunchbox.
"Go home, Bryan." Something in Mark's voice made me look at him. His eyes were hard and his face read something that he knew and I did not.
"Mark..." I started, but he cut me off.
"Bryan, go home to Jakob. I'll tell the boss you ain't feelin' good and had to knock off early."
"I'm fine."
"Trust in me, Bryan. We take care of our own. Go home. I'll call you later."
"What do you mean?"
"Shhh..." He whispered lightly as he gently pushed my hair back and winked. The gesture shocked the shit out of me, and Mark laughed in recognition.
I looked at him in uncertainty and he nodded his head towards my car. I started to say something, but Mark shook his head and got up from the bench. I grabbed my lunchbox, stood up and looked at Mark again. I shrugged my shoulders and slowly wandered off to my Monte Carlo. I could still hear him laughing at me.
I noticed the familiar white sedan that was parked in my usual spot as I pulled my car up into my driveway along side of it. My stomach turned slightly at the thought of the visitor-my own guilt surfacing as I'd been avoiding certain parts of my life that needed attention. I wondered and guessed at the comments I would have to endure regarding my selfishness as I walked up the steps to the front door.
'I live in my own world' I thought to myself. Part of the real world had come to visit.
I left my jacket and boots at the landing as I habitually do, and cautiously made my way into the kitchen clutching my lunchbox. There I saw Jakob with his head buried in my mother's shoulder as they sat beside each other at the kitchen table. As I walked quietly into the kitchen dazed and confused, Jakob sat upright and hurriedly wiped his eyes as my mother pushed back his hair.
"There he is, sweet heart. Why don't you go clean yourself up?" My mother instructed Jakob before giving him a motherly peck on his cheek and sending him on his way.
I inspected my surroundings to make sure I hadn't been transplanted into an episode of the Twilight Zone. Everything seemed to be in its place. I set my lunchbox on the counter before I turned around and looked at my mother who was gazing at me suspiciously.
"Bryan, what on earth is going on? What are you doing home so early? Oh, look at you."
My mother began her lecture but then became distracted by my post-machine shop appearance. She began combing my hair frantically with her fingers and was trying to wipe dirt and oil off of my face.
"Really, Bryan. You're so handsome, I wish you'd take better care of yourself."
"Ma..." I grabbed her hands in embarrassment, and placed them at her sides. "Why are you here, mom?"
She was gazing at my hair still, and had to stop herself from trying to arrange it again.
"Is it a crime for a mother to be curious about her only son? I mean, it's like you've disappeared, Bryan. Nobody has heard a word from you." My mother's face was turning flushed, and I was worried the conversation would end up with me getting a lecture like the majority of them usually did.
"I'm sorry, ma. I just got caught up with life. I'm sorry."
"That's fine and well dear, but a phone call once in a while to let us know you're still alive would be nice. Anyways, I brought you and Jakob dinner."
My mother walked to my fridge and opened it. "I made a roast last night so I brought all of the leftovers over for you two." She then closed the door and turned back to face me.
"You didn't need to do that, ma."
"I know, but when I tried to call you to invite the both of you over for supper nobody answered."
I shoved a hand in my hair and quietly rolled my eyes to myself. "I'm sorry." I sighed.
"You're forgiven." My mom smiled as she turned and kissed me on the cheek. Again, she became distracted by my appearance and started rearranging the hair on my head.
"He's such a darling, Bryan. He always was. Really, I wish you would have told us sooner."
"Wha...what? What are you talking about?" My eyes were about to pop out of my head.
"Please Bryan, I'm not a fool. Your father and I have talked about it and frankly, we're happy with the arrangement. He's such a sweet young man; quite a step up from those tram...ladies you usually bring home."
My mother proceeded to put her coat on and grab her purse while I stood and stared; trying to absorb what was happening. I'm sure my jaw was down to my feet as Jakob walked into the room.
"Oh, much better, dear." My mother turned to Jakob and started fussing over his hair and he grinned at her.
She turned away from him and approached me, giving me a quick kiss before whispering, "Close your mouth, dear, you're going to drool."
Jakob's and my eyes locked while my mother fumbled with the buttons on her coat and entertained us with more of her antics.
"Boys, I am planning a ham for Sunday evening. I would like to see both of you there. Bryan, come walk me out. Jakob..." my mother and Jakob embraced in front of me for the second time.
"Bye, Mrs. M." Jakob said shyly as my mother cupped his face in her hands and kissed him on his forehead.
"It's mom, dear. Good bye my sweetheart, and remember what I told you." My mother headed for the landing and I gave Jakob a confused look. He simply shrugged at me before I went to go see my mother off at the front door.
"Don't push him away, Bryan." My mother said as we both reached for the door handle. "You always push people away, and it's a shame. He loves you very much."
"Ma, I..." I was utterly speechless.
Mark had asked me earlier on if I was gay, and now my mother hadn't even asked-just assumed it was so. It seemed like the only person I had successfully fooled was myself. It felt surreal. The only thing I was sure of was how I felt about Jakob.
"I'm not sure what happened, but you need to talk to him, sweetheart. Don't shut him out, he's hurting." was all my mother said before she turned and headed toward her car.
I shut and locked the door behind her, and slowly made my way up the stairs. Jakob was leaning in the entranceway of the kitchen-those baby blues piercing right through my soul. I shuffled to the other side of the entranceway and leaned against it as he was doing opposite of me. There was an awkwardness to the sudden silence.
"My mother." I motioned towards the front door and we both chuckled lightly.
There was still an uneasy silence surrounding us. I think I might have still been in shock from my mother's visit. Jakob was the first to break the oddness of the moment. He stood up straight from leaning against the wall and slowly approached me. Not saying a word, he snaked his arms around my waist and nuzzled his face into my shoulder. I closed my eyes and sighed out loud as my hands drifted from the bluntness of the wall to the warmth and mystery of Jakob's back. I felt him creep up on his toes and suddenly his warm lips caressed my neck before he stepped away from me.
"Why are you mad at me?"
"Wha? I'm not mad at you Jakob."
"Feels like you're avoiding me; like you don't want me anymore. Is it 'cause you know...what...I did; what happened?"
I was so ashamed. The last person on earth I wanted to push away was Jakob. It had taken so long for us to get where we were. I shook my head wordlessly as I pulled him to me and held him close. I kissed the side of his head repeatedly and felt his arms tighten around me in return.
"No! God no, baby. I'm so sorry, Jakob. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've just had a lot on my mind. I'm sorry."
Saying nothing, Jakob grabbed my hand and lead me down the hall and into the bathroom. Without a word, he locked the door to the bathroom behind me, walked over to the oversized tub and started drawing up a bath. I gazed at him in awe as he moved gracefully through the bathroom-adding bubble bath to the water filling the tub, and gathering towels to later dry the water off.
After he was satisfied with the depth of the bath water, he turned off the taps and then slowly moved towards me. Without question and without word, Jakob's hands moved up and started unbuttoning my shirt-our eyes locked together. The feeling of his fingertips brushing against my bare skin made my heart skip a beat.
Jakob placed light kisses on my chest while he unbuttoned my jeans, and suddenly he crouched down and pulled on my jeans and underwear; leaving them around my ankles while he slowly stood upright again. I stepped out of the garments that were at my ankles and bent over to remove my socks. I could hear Jakob breathing when I stood up straight. I smiled at him.
"I love you, Jakey." I whispered as I pulled Jakob in for a kiss.
Our tongues played lightly against each other before I spun us around and had him pinned up against the wall. I ground my dick into the soft denim covering his and could hear Jakob struggle for breath as I deepened our kiss. My hands held his face firmly; my mouth couldn't get enough of his. It was almost excruciating.
I could feel Jakob's warm hands slide down my back to my ass where he grabbed and kneaded before pulling me firmly against him. His boldness made me even hungrier for him. I thrust my pelvis into his harder and Jakob moaned into my mouth. I felt like I was quickly losing control, but I wasn't ready to back away. It felt too good.
Jakob continued to massage the mounds of my butt and I continued grinding against him. Suddenly his hand stopped and then pinched my butt cheek hard; startling me into breaking our kiss.
"Ahhhh!" The pain was almost ecstasy.
"That hurt. Why'd you do that?" I griped sourly. Jakob just grinned at me.
"Get in." He commanded; cocking his head towards the bathtub.
I stood there looking at him curiously while I tried to catch my breath. Jakob's face started to turn red and I smiled. For all of his sudden boldness, there was still that shy innocence that I was deeply in love with. I eased myself away and off of Jakob and turned towards the tub.
The water felt great as I slipped in and leaned back into the bath. Jakob sat on the edge of the tub and grinned at me while I removed the day's layer of dirt and oil that I was given at work.
"Move up." He commanded softly as he grabbed the face cloth from my hands and began washing my back.
"That feels good." I mumbled quietly; leaning forward so he'd have full access to my back.
"Good." Jakob smiled and concentrated on the task at hand.
"So what were you and my mom talking about?" I looked at Jakob. He took a deep breath and blew it out as he stopped washing me. He looked me in the eye before he answered.
"You. I thought maybe I let you down and I didn't know how to change it. I didn't know what to do."
"Aww, Jakob," I was angry at myself for letting my rage over what happened to him come between us.
"She came over and...I'm sorry." Jakob shrugged and then handed me the washcloth.
I didn't know what to say to him, and I didn't know how to make things up to him. He slowly stood up from the edge of the tub, and I decided to quickly finish the bath by washing my face and then getting out to follow him. As I rinsed the soapy mess from my face and opened my eyes, Jakob was naked and slowly submerging his beautiful body into the bath. I was instantly hard, and I had noticed that Jakob was too.
I moved back and sat up straight to make room for him. Jakob sat down on my thighs and spread his legs out on either side of me. Immediately my arms went around him as he leaned into me, and our lips met. It started off as very short and sweet kisses on each other's mouth and face, but eventually grew into something more powerful. My hand instinctively found his cock and I began to stroke it earnestly.
"Bryan," Jakob's back arched unintentionally, and his head fell backwards as he softly moaned my name.
Suddenly his head slowly rolled forward and he stared intently at my own arousal. He was motionless, as he seemed to study it before looking up questioningly into my eyes. I nodded slightly, and felt Jakob's hand slide from my back, slowly to my side, and down to my hip. He rubbed me gently there before slowly moving his hand to my hard cock. His fingers traced delicately around the slit before he wrapped them fully around my shaft. The feeling was unlike anything I'd ever felt before. Just knowing it was his hand around me left me weak.
"Oh, God Jakey." I moaned loudly, unsure if I was going to be able to stop myself from coming.
I concentrated on the feel of my hand around him, and soon we were both in a rhythm- each trying to pleasure the other. My other hand found his hair and soon was pulling his head in for another gut wrenching kiss. The kiss seemed to last forever-his lips so soft, his mouth moist and inviting.
We were both moaning and breathless when Jakob let go of my engorged cock, threw both of his arms around my neck and broke our fervent kiss. He gently kissed around my cheek and ear while he struggled to catch his breath. I removed my hand from his hardness, and started to rub his back. He was breathing in my ear.
"Bryan." He kissed my ear. "Bryan, I want you to fuck me. Bryan, please I need you. Bryan, please fuck me."
He was shaking, and I wrapped my arms tighter around his back and kissed him tenderly on his lips. It took every ounce of restraint that I had, but as I gazed at the need plastered shamelessly on his face, things became clear to me.
"I don't want a fuck, baby." I whispered, and ran my hands through his hair.
My body ached for Jakob, but I no longer wanted to just fuck him. It was clear to me then that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted to be his partner; in life and for life in every sense of the meaning.
I struggled to say to Jakob what I was able to say in my heart, but all that I could come up with was "I love you, Jakob."
Afraid that he might feel rejected by me, I shuffled around so that I could get out of the tub. Jakob watched me looking as though a cloud had just formed over his head. I reached down, pulled the drain to the tub, and then held out my hand for Jakob to get out. He gently took it, and stepped out and in front of me. I grabbed one of the bath towels that Jakob had set out earlier for us, and wrapped it around the both of us; pulling Jakob closer to me. His arms wrapped around my waist, and his face was pressed against my chest, when I repeated my vow.
"I love you, Jakob."
I could feel something warm and moist trickling down my chest before I realized it was Jakob's tears.
Before I could move to see if he was okay, I heard him softly whisper; "I love you, Bryan. I love you so much."
My body shook from his words as we held each other. I longed to hear those words from him for years. I desperately needed to sit down-I was so overcome I thought for sure that I would pass out. I dropped the towel that covered us and led Jakob into what was now 'our' bedroom. I pulled back the covers and turned back to Jakob.
"Lay down," I instructed softly.
Jakob looked uncertain and a bit nervous, but he sat down and scooted backwards until he was in the middle of the bed. I let a knee rest next to him and slowly brought a hand up to his shoulder to ease him down so that his head rested on the pillows. I noticed the muscles in his abdomen start to tremble as I let my hand move down and lie there.
"Are you okay?"
His breathing was becoming heavy and irregular, but he nodded.
"Are you gonna fuck me?" He asked nervously.
I looked down at him and smiled softly. "No, baby. I'm gonna make love to you."
He looked at me confused as if he didn't know the difference, and then I realized that he really didn't know the difference. He was young; only 18 and his only sexual encounter was that of violence that physically and emotionally tore him apart. My own sexual past wasn't extensive, but I'd had enough partners to know the difference between fucking and making love.
I slowly crawled over Jakob's body and gently let my weight fall on top of him. I wedged a knee in between his legs so that he'd open them for me. When he did I let my hips press up against his. My hands instinctively went to his hair where my fingers got lost in those soft waves.
That night we kissed and touched each other, and I tried to teach Jakob what I then began to understand myself-the true art and meaning of making love. It wasn't about fucking Jakob. It was about being with Jakob; being connected. I realized it was more than just a physical act. Our souls would be forever entwined.
There were many things we needed to overcome, but as I lay awake and listened to the peacefulness of his breathing as he slept, I knew somehow that things would be okay.
Jakob said he loved me.