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The wind had really picked up speed when I dropped a twenty to the cab driver, and painfully eased my way out of the car. The wind froze my ears as it howled and kicked up the snow that had fallen during the past 3 days. I fumbled needlessly in my pockets searching for my keys, when I remembered that Jakob had taken them from me. I looked down the walkway leading to my front door and it seemed miles away. I was petrified of what waited for me on the other side.
I battled the wind and snow, making my way to the door. I grasped the doorknob half expecting it not to turn, and almost felt sick when I found that it did. For a brief moment I considered running back down the walkway to see if I could catch up with the cab that had just pulled away from the house, but a blast of February wind through my thin leather jacket made me reconsider. I opened the door and stepped inside.
The rush of warmth that hit me felt out of place. I was half expecting the inside to be coated with a thin sheet of ice, but it wasn't. I could hear the crackling of the fireplace just above the stairs, but other than that, the house was dead silent. Still shivering from the cold, I slipped out of my shoes, but opted to keep my leather jacket on until I had more time to warm up. I quietly eased my way up the stairs.
As I looked over the railing I could see Jakob on the rug in front of the fire, polishing off the bottle of whiskey he had cracked open months previous while he was out on the deck trying to numb his pain. He looked as though he had just stepped out of the shower. He was wearing his terry bathrobe, and his hair was wet and dripping onto his shoulders. He brought the bottle to his lips and took a long swallow from it. I finished climbing the stairs and entered the room nervously. Jakob looked up at me in disgust.
"Hey lookit! It's Hugh Hefner." He muttered bitterly, and took a huge gulp out of the bottle.
"I thought happy hour wasn't until three." I blurted out sarcastically, but then regretted it.
I deserved whatever was coming for the way I treated him, but I couldn't stand to see Jakob belligerent and drunk. It just wasn't him. He didn't need alcohol. He was too young to be chugging whiskey like some middle-aged drunk. He was too good.
"Go fuck yourself." He hissed back and took another drink to spite me.
I eased my way further into the room and sat across from him on the sofa, looking long and hard at him.
"Okay, fine. I deserve that after last night. Let's have it, kid. Let's get it over with. Gimme what you got."
I was hoping Jakob would be his forgiving self, and let me have it easy. If not that, then to make the punishment as quick and painless as possible, but he only shook his head in disgust and looked away from me and into the fire. This was going to be anything but easy. I knew I might have ruined everything including our friendship.
We sat in silence for an hour, while Jakob worked on the liquor. I didn't know what to say to him at that point. I sat like the asshole I knew that I was, and watched him inebriate himself. The silence was torture. I couldn't take the silence. I couldn't take him hating me.
"Jakob, I'm sorry. I don't know what you want me to say. Whatever it is, tell me and I'll say it. Jakob, please..."
"What does it matter what I think anyways?" Jakob interrupted my pleading.
"What your other friends think seems to be more important. It's a free country, Bryan. You can do whatever the hell you feel like. I don't care."
"If you really feel that way kid, then why are you so pissed at me?"
Jakob didn't answer. He only brought the bottle to his lips, and downed more whiskey. I couldn't handle seeing him act that way. I couldn't stand seeing him take another sip from the bottle. I told myself that he shouldn't be drinking the way that he was, and felt my body stiffen.
"Stop it, Jakob." I commanded under my breath.
"What?" Jakob was incredulous.
"You heard me." I spoke louder; more forceful. "Put down that bottle. I can't sit here and watch you act like a drunk. Put it down."
"HA!" Jakob burst out loud as he stood up, and I almost shook from the spitefulness in his tone.
"If I recall last night correctly, you ain't my mother. That is what you said, is it not Bryan? Why don't you just go and fuck yourself?"
Jakob's eyes were welling up with tears, and I couldn't take it anymore. I knew that I hurt him and I wanted to hold him, and make him believe how sorry that I was. I knew I was an ass the night before, but somehow if I could just hold him, I knew everything would be okay. I eased my way off of the couch and took a step towards Jakob.
"Jakey, give me the bottle." I said softly, and tried to take it from him.
"No."
Jakob moved his arm away from my grasp, so that I could not retrieve the bottle from him, and in the process the bottle slipped out of his hand, onto the rug in front of the fireplace. Amazingly it didn't break, but the rest of the bottle's contents were splattered on the rug and the carpet beneath.
"Great." I sighed sourly as I watched where the whiskey had traveled.
I looked at Jakob who seemed to be in a daze as he watched the glass of the bottle shine from the light of the fire. Jakob shoved his hand through his damp hair, and let out a deep breath. He stepped away from the fireplace, and my body followed; my back facing the warmth of the fire.
"Did you...did you fuck her?" He wouldn't look at me, and it was like his voice came from nowhere. It was expressionless. His face registered nothing.
"Does it really matter to you?" I was tired of the mixed signals. I had to know and it was now or never.
Jakob shrugged. "I don't know."
His answer infuriated me. I was only getting more mixed messages.
"Jakob, what do you see happening between us?"
I was sick of the games; tired of walking on egg shells. I knew how I felt about him, and I was becoming aware of the possibility that he may have shared some of those feelings. What was happening between us? We had been good friends; best friends for more than two years and since the rape, things were changing drastically. Lately it seemed to me that Jakob was acting as if he had the same attraction for me. I needed to know.
"What are we, Jakob?"
Jakob slowly looked at me and his face registered a mixture of confusion and fear when his eyes met mine. Still, he said nothing. He turned slowly to walk away, and I knew that I couldn't let him end the conversation like this. I moved to grab his arm to turn him around to face me, but he pulled it away.
"Don't touch me." He mumbled and turned away again. I moved to grab his arm again, and my life was changed forever.
"KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME!"
Jakob caught me completely off guard as his voice boomed throughout the house. With an instinct born of rage and self-defense, Jakob wheeled around, planted one of his hands in the center of my chest, and shoved me away from him. I staggered back a couple of steps from the force of his blow, and stumbled backwards. Jakob's face changed from a look of sheer rage, to an expression of horror.
"BRYAN!"
I could hear Jakob yelling my name as he tried to grab onto me, but I stumbled hard into the fireplace. My body didn't register anything at first except the sound of Jakob's hysterics as my back slammed down across the slate hearth, and my arm pushed past the wire curtain that contained the fire. The arm of my leather jacket was covered in flames and I was too bloody stunned to move, even when I started to feel the heat on my hand and arm.
"Oh my God! Bryan!"
Jakob was rolling me away from the fire. I saw flames licking away at the arm of my jacket, and Jakob tore off his bathrobe to smother out the flames. He was bawling by this point, and I lay on the rug, looking up at the ceiling feeling a strange sense of detachment. I could feel him pulling at my jacket and shirt; ripping both of them off. He finally had smothered the remaining flames from the jacket out with his bathrobe before turning to see if my arm was still on fire. He was sobbing.
"Bryan..."
The tears were running down his face as he carefully and gently inspected my hand and arm that had been in the fire. I looked over and was stunned to see that it looked like had been scalded, but incredibly nothing more. My mind was starting to think more clearly. Jakob looked down at me, and pushed my hair away from my face; tears dripping on me as he leaned over me to do so.
"Bryan, I'm sorry." He sobbed uncontrollably. "Bryan, please...I'm sorry, Bryan. I'm so sorry."
Jakob was repeating his apology over and over like a chant. He collapsed his body on top of mine, burying his head into my neck while his hands still played with my hair. My heart was racing from the scare; my breathing was rapid. Jakob continued to chant his apology, running his hands through my hair, soaking my neck and shoulders with tears.
"It...its okay, Jakob. I'm okay." I croaked, suddenly aware of the extremely arousing position we were in.
Jakob was completely naked, and he was lying in between my legs; his bare chest pressed up against my own. I felt the warmth of his breath on my neck where he pressed his face and the tickle of his tears as they rolled off of my neck and shoulders to the rug beneath. Suddenly I could feel it; the soft lump between his legs that was pressing up against my thigh.
"Jakob..." I whispered into his ear, and he lifted himself to look at me.
His eyes were red and wet, his face flushed, and his mouth was open slightly. His beautiful lips appeared swollen and very inviting. I brought a finger up to touch his lips, and Jakob moved his hands to caress both sides of my face. I don't know who really initiated the contact, but our lips embraced in a tender kiss.
My heart was pounding in my ears and I couldn't believe what was happening. I brought my hands up to touch his face; to make sure that it was really him. His lips were soft as I touched them with mine. His breath was warm and sweet on my face. I broke our kiss, and moved to sit upright; Jakob moving with me. I sat trying to comprehend what was going on. We had kissed-not just me kissing him. He had returned my kiss.
His baby blues were moist, and searching my eyes for answers. I stared at him, my eyes lingering over his beautiful body, unclothed and unashamed. I had to be closer to him. My hand slowly slid down from his face to his neck with my eyes following. My hand trailed down his chest, down to his abdomen. His cock wasn't hard, but I could tell it was reacting to our position. I looked back up into Jakob's eyes and Jakob looked back at me with a frightened expression. I opened my mouth to say something to soothe his fears, when suddenly he was on his knees in between my legs, wrapping his arms around my neck, pressing his lips against mine.
My hands raked up and down his naked back gathering him to me and his breaths were coming out in short gasps. When my hands slid all the way from the small of his back up to cradle his head, he opened his mouth slightly to let out a moan. I thrust my tongue in his mouth and tasted a hint of whiskey. When I felt Jakob's tongue begin to move against mine, I pushed his head closer to mine so that he couldn't break away from the kiss. I felt rather than heard him whimper, but he didn't resist.
My cock was aching and pressing uncomfortably against the zipper of my pants. I eased a hand down to pop open the button before tearing apart the fly. I wanted to be inside of him. I had wanted it for so long that it was almost all that I thought about. I wanted to give him everything that I had, and everything that I was. I pushed him onto the floor and covered his body with mine, my mouth still drinking of his.
Jakob shoved his fists in my hair and was tugging passionately while my mouth devoured his. My tongue began exploring every soft crevice inside of his mouth. My hands were holding him by the side of his ribs, my thumbs just reaching out enough to massage his nipples. They peaked and turned hard as I rubbed and fondled them. I tore my mouth away from Jakob's, and stared deep into his eyes. He was still whimpering.
"Shhhhh..." I whispered as I kissed his cheek softly.
I moved my body down on his, and gently stuck my tongue out to touch a nipple. Jakob groaned with a passion I had never heard from him before. The sound caused my cock to leak a drop of precum and my pulse became rapid. I covered his erect nipple with my mouth; licking and sucking it-teasing it with my teeth before moving to the other one. Jakob's back was arched high pressing his beautiful chest into my face, as if to beg me for more. I moved up and my mouth claimed his once more.
I could feel his cock; hard and pressing up against the inside of my thigh. I moved my blistered hand down and pulled down on my pants before thrusting my brief-clad erection against his. His hands let go of my hair and his arms fell limply to his sides before he cried into my mouth. I moved my hand to his member-massaging and caressing it, still not believing what was really happening. I was finally making love to him. I had longed for this moment for so long.
I moved my hand down to his balls, and gently squeezed his sac before my hand found his rigid cock again. I began to stroke him earnestly. All I cared about at that moment was the feel of him in my hand and I wanted to make him cum for me.
"Bryan..."
Jakob was trembling terribly by this point, and I didn't understand what was happening until I looked into his eyes. I instantly broke my ministrations. His eyes were wide with fear, and he was breathing hard and fast. The look on his face was familiar, and it felt as though someone was reaching down my throat and pulling out my heart. I knew that face. I knew that face more than I knew my own. I had lost control and was pushing him further than he wanted to go. I hated myself for it, but I couldn't have stopped it. Not until I saw his face.
"Jakey?" I started, and pushed Jakob's hair back, trying to ease him. His body was trembling badly. He was completely terrified of me.
"Oh, God! Bryan. Please don't hurt me." Jakob begged before breaking into tears.
I ached. I realized then just how much he meant to me and I wanted him so bad, but I knew I could never be with him if it would cause him fear or pain. I could feel my eyes burning.
"I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry." I whispered.
I looked at him full of emotion, and he rolled away from me onto his side. I was terrified that he hated me for going too far. I felt rejected at first, but realized that I had forced him to. How could I be so insensitive about this after what happened to him? At that moment, I was so full of love for the young man that lay next to me.
I quickly got up from the rug, pulled up on my khakis and headed towards my bedroom. I grabbed and tugged the comforter that covered my bed, and returned to Jakob with it in my arms. He turned his head to look at me, his face registering confusion.
"You...you..." He stopped as I wrapped the comforter around my shoulders, eased myself to my knees on the rug beneath Jakob, and stretched out behind him- wrapping my arms along with the blanket, around his body.
"You...still...want...to...be...with...me? Y...you...aren't...mad...at...me?" Jakob's sobs were racking his body, and it was difficult for him to speak.
I pulled him closer to me laying my leg over top of both of his, and kissed his neck passionately.
"Mad at you? My God, Jakob I love you. I won't ever hurt you like he did. I want to be with you but...it's your show. Whatever you're ready for, I'll be here. We don't ever have to do anything unless you say its okay and if that never happens, I'll still be here with you. I love you so much." I repeated, and kissed his shoulder.
He looked at me in confusion and he shook his head wordlessly before turning his head away. I kissed his neck and the back of his hair, finally stopping at his cheek.
We lay until dark, not saying a word, just lying there. I wrapped his hands in mine as I pulled him as close as I could to me. The fire had long since died out when we both drifted off to sleep; the feel of his back against my chest and abdomen-the feel of his warm cheek against my own.