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DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction, and any resemblance to those living or dead is not intentional, and is completely coincidental.
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"Huh?"
I was in a panic. My stomach was in my throat, and my heart was pounding. It was the most intelligent thing I could force out of my big fat mouth. Inside, I was screaming at myself. I was sure that I was going to fuck everything up with Jakob. I was an idiot.
"Wha...what do you mean by that?"
Jakob sounded as if he'd like to bolt for the door--not just the door of my bedroom, but the door of my house. He rolled away from me onto his back. I pulled my arm out from underneath him. I could picture him running out into the streets in his pajamas screaming "Get the fuck away from me you faggot!" Jakob's voice brought me back to the present.
"Bryan? What do you mean?"
My mind was swimming. What was I going to say to him now? Should I bare my soul to him and take the chance of forever messing up our friendship, or should I diffuse the situation by changing the subject? I didn't know what to do. He was staring at me intently, waiting for an answer. His mouth was open slightly.
"I...I..." I shook my head, unable to answer.
I let out an exacerbated sigh and the arm that was once under him, now fell gently backwards onto his chest. Jakob creased his eyebrows and looked at me confused and I couldn't feel like a bigger loser. I told him that I loved him. I was too scared at the time to realize that could mean different things and he could have taken that many different ways. My eyes connected with his and all thought and rationalization seemed to fly out the window.
The back of my hand gently moved up his chest to his face where it turned so it could rest at his chin. I waited for Jakob to pull away but he never did. I leaned up on my elbow and inched my face closer to his. Slowly I leaned in and let my lips touch his gently. Although Jakob didn't push me away, or back away, his lips didn't move against mine. I slowly backed away and watched him. His eyes were glued to mine, but he wasn't moving. I couldn't even tell if he was breathing.
Suddenly he took a noticeable breath and he smiled. I was a little apprehensive but then not only did he smile, he broke out into a fit of laughter. After four months of watching him deal with his pain in a solemn depression, his quiet laughing, even at my expense, was the most angelic sound I'd heard in what seemed like forever. I couldn't stop the biggest smile from conquering my face.
"You're a freak." Jakob giggled and playfully punched me on the shoulder while he was trying to control his laughter. I was so happy to see him in such high, playful spirits, that I joined his laughter. The moment was like a gift.
"I can't remember the last time I heard that sound." I stated quietly once I had caught my breath. Jakob looked at me curiously.
"What sound?"
"Your laugh. Your smile. I've missed it. I thought you'd lost it for good."
Jakob didn't speak. He shook his head and opened his mouth, but nothing came out. His face portrayed something I couldn't put my finger on. It was a face I had never seen before. There was something going on inside of him that I couldn't register in his eyes.
"You're all I got, Bry." Jakob's face was red, and his head was down, hiding the unknown expression in his baby blues.
The words were a mixture of pleasure and pain. Jakob really didn't have anybody else, and I struggled to fathom the reason. His parents were gone, and the only family he had left was an older brother that had fallen off the radar years ago. Jakob was the kindest person I knew. It was hard for me to understand why people wouldn't give up everything for him. I would, and wanted to spend the rest of my life doing so.
The moment was still. We stayed like that for awhile, and I unconsciously brought my hand up to his chest, and absently started rubbing him there. I'm not sure what made me do it, but I could feel his defined pectoral muscles through his thin T-shirt. After a few moments, I was rubbing a hard node that was his nipple. I wasn't even thinking and like the kiss just moments before, it wasn't premeditated. It just happened.
Jakob brought his chin up from his chest, and looked at me intently. He didn't say a word, but slowly closed his eyes and bit his bottom lip. I stared at the gorgeous features of his face and continued to rub his hard nipple. Jakob started breathing harder, and my cock was beginning to stir again. Jakob made a slight moan, and opened his eyes to look at me. His eyes were bright and sparkled as he brought one of his hands up to caress the hand of mine that was working diligently on that hard node.
The look on his face was enough to make me cum, but I fought to stay in check. Jakob softly moaned again, and with his other hand, he started countering my actions onto me. His hand slowly found its way to my chest. His soft fingers trailed through my chest hair and were soon rubbing and kneading my nipple. I benefited from having no shirt on to get in the way. I wasn't sure what was happening. I only knew that I didn't want it to stop.
I honestly don't know how long we were there gently rubbing and caressing each other's chests, but I was amazed that the moment even happened. Jakob looked so completely sexy, and I wanted to kiss him again, but at the same time I was scared I would ruin the moment and scare him off. Jakob's gaze slowly drifted down my chest, to the obvious bulge that was pushing against the bed covers, and I heard him swallow hard. I was frightened, but I didn't remove my hand from his chest. Jakob looked back at me and cleared his throat.
"I'm tired."
His voice was hoarse and his breath was almost coming out in short gasps. I couldn't speak. My heart was pounding, and I was willing myself to stay put on the bed, and not throw him down beside me; ripping off that flimsy T-shirt and covering his beautiful, hairless chest with kisses. Kissing my way down to his stomach to his belly button, following the thin happy-trail that crept into his briefs.
I nodded slowly, and felt my cock oozing. I felt like I was about 5 seconds away from cuming in front of Jakob for Jakob, and worried that there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. We stared into each other's eyes for maybe a minute more, and Jakob abruptly broke the moment by turning over so that his back was to me.
"Night, Bryan." His voice trembled.
I didn't know how to feel. I was confused, and I was hornier than I had ever been in my life. I needed to be inside of him. I needed it like I needed air, but Jakob broke the moment and turned away from me. Part of me felt rejected, and mislead. Part of me couldn't blame him. Part of me couldn't believe all of this had happened. The moment was all so intense.
"Night, kiddo."
I barely choked the words out. I was awake the rest of the night trying to decipher what had just occurred. I lay awake; my cock still swollen, listening to Jakob's gentle breathing.
XXXXXX
"Hey, what's with you lately anyway?" I looked up from my lathe to find Mark leaning up against my toolbox, drinking a can of Coke.
It was fair to say that I liked Mark, in fact he was one of the few guys that I considered an actual friend that I worked with. He had dated my sister, Jordan after they met at a party. Like all the guys my sister had the hots for, Jordan brought him home for dinner and to meet the family. She knew how to pick them; he was cocky, young, smart, and above average in the looks department too. Unfortunately he was someone that spent more time looking in the mirror than breathing, and it didn't work out between him and my sister. He remained a buddy of mine despite the breakup, and when he came to me looking for work, I was happy to open a few doors.
I got Mark the job at the machine shop after his dad kicked him out of the house because he thought Mark couldn't get his shit together long enough to know what in the hell he was going to do with the rest of his life. He reminded me of me at that age, but lacking more in the motivation department. He was a party animal, maybe even a bit more than I was at his age. He knew where the hot spots were, and who was going to be there, and when it was all going to take place. Yeah, I liked Mark a lot, even though he was obnoxious as hell at times.
"Don't you have work to do or something?" I mumbled and tried to avoid him by turning back to the job I had running in my machine.
I knew the guys in the shop were wondering about me lately, I'd been somewhat of a recluse so that I could be at home with Jakob. All the guys at the shop would usually meet up at a local pub or strip club to drink and be "guys". I wondered when they'd send Mark over my way to find out what was wrong. It wasn't something I was eager to share with these blue-collared rednecks. They wouldn't understand about Jakob and would've gladly shown me the door with my skull if they'd known that I was totally in love with him. My love for him was a lot more than what they would've interpreted. Yeah, I was a homo. I knew it now and was trying to be more comfortable with the fact, but they would've freaked-afraid that I was checking them out, or wanted down their pants but it was ridiculous. Jakob was the only guy I ever wanted to check out; his pants were the only pants that I wanted to get into. He would always be the only one.
"What's wrong, Bryan? You've been actin' like an asshole for months now. You never come out with the guys anymore. What gives?" I could tell that Mark wasn't going to give up easy.
"Nothin', man. Just got commitments, y'know? Family."
I was staring at the piece that was in the lathe. It was spinning and spinning, like my mind had been the night before as Jakob and I were letting our hands drift over each other's chests. I kissed him. It wasn't a horny game of tonsil hockey but I kissed him. Mark's chuckling broke me out of my daze.
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah, I just..." I didn't even know what excuse to use. "Responsibilities."
"Excuse me. I keep forgetting you're an old man." He laughed and swallowed the last of his Coke.
"Fuck you," was all I replied to him, and tried to act annoyed.
Mark slapped me on the back. "You need to get out, buddy. You're coming with us to the club tonight, whether you like it or not. Don't try to gimme any shit about it either. You're in."
"I can..." I started, but Mark cut me off.
"Quit trying to brush me off. You're coming."
He poked his finger into my chest like he meant business, and turned away to get back to his job. I didn't even try to argue with him. It was pointless. I sighed heavily and returned to my lathe, trying to think of a way to get out of going out with the work crew. I even debated running my hand through the machinery to get out of it via injury, but it probably would've been messy and painful.
I got home close to 5 o'clock, took off my work boots and hung up my coat in the landing. As I walked upstairs, I spotted Jakob sitting at the kitchen table, reading the mail. We didn't talk the entire morning before I left for work. Maybe there was nothing to say, but I wanted to say something. I was scared I'd pushed him too far, and felt a little rejected when he turned away from me.
"Hey." I said in the most casual tone I could muster.
"Mmmm..." Jakob mumbled without looking up at me, as he seemed deep into whatever he was reading. I headed straight for the fridge, and grabbed a beer.
"You want?" I asked Jakob while I was getting one for myself.
"Yeah, sure." He replied as he looked up from the mail.
I tossed a can to him, and he smoothly caught it with one hand. I watched as he cracked the top, and took a long swallow off of the can. I suddenly became aware that I was staring way too long at him and turned to the fridge to grab another beer for myself before sitting down at the table with him.
"What'd you do all day?" I asked him before opening the can of beer and taking a few sips.
"Not much, really. Brought home some of those cookies you liked from work." Jakob shrugged, folded up the piece of paper he was reading, and shoved it into an envelope.
"Cool, thanks! What was that?" I motioned to the envelope he slipped onto the table.
"Eh, gas bill. Went up again. I dunno what we're doing wrong. Goes up every month."
"Shit!" I rubbed my forehead in frustration.
The windows in my place needed to be replaced and upgraded. I meant to before the winter hit, but then Jakob got hurt and everything else in my life took a backseat to him and making sure he was going to make it through okay. Nothing else in my life seemed to mean anything. Just him.
"What's wrong?" Jakob sensed my frustration.
"Nothing. I meant to put in some new windows but never got around to it. We'll do it this spring."
"Yeah, for sure." Jakob always liked kicking around the garage doing work around the house. "How was work today?"
"Mmmm..." I shrugged back at him. "Same shit, different pile. Supposed to meet the guys for a drink. I'd rather drink antifreeze."
Jakob laughed and almost spit out his beer. "Jeeze, they're not all bad are they? What about your friend?"
I shrugged. "I dunno. Just not in the mood, I guess. You wanna come?"
I knew he'd say no, but I didn't really want to go out at all. I would have been much happier sitting downstairs in front of the big screen, with Jakob sitting next to me, however I felt cornered. I didn't need a bunch of attention from a bunch of rednecks.
"You goin' to see the peelers?" Jakob took another chug of his beer.
I choked out a laugh. Jakob always called the strippers "peelers", and I always thought it was funny. I had never heard the expression before I met him. I wondered if it was one of his Irish things.
"Knowing them, probably."
I didn't expect Jakob to accept the offer. He never felt comfortable in bars let alone the strip clubs. Like I said before, Jakob was incredibly innocent when it came to sex. I took him there once after his eighteenth birthday and between the naked dancers and the waitresses making passes at him, he looked like he was going to have panic attack.
"Yeah, sure." Jakob shrugged.
"Really? Are you serious?" I asked in disbelief. I honestly didn't expect that answer from him at all.
"What?" He looked at me incredulously. He seemed offended.
"Nothing, I'm just surprised, is all." I quickly diffused the situation, and took a few more drinks off of my beer.
We sat at the table in an awkward silence and it felt like I was being given the cold shoulder. Nothing else was said while we were finishing our drinks. I looked at the clock. It was almost six.
"Well, I'm goin' to get ready." I said as I got up from the table and headed towards my bedroom.
Jakob remained silent and still in his chair. He didn't even look up while I excused myself. I started feeling a little irritated.
I partly closed the door to the room behind me, and started tugging on my clothes-- shrugging them off of my body. As I stood naked, I was deep in thought, trying to figure Jakob out. We were so close last night, and now he was barely speaking to me. Maybe I did need to get out with the guys more often. I had been consumed with Jakob since the rape. I started wondering if it was clouding my judgement as I looked in my closet to check out my wardrobe options. I stood half-dazed, wondering what I was going to wear to the club when I felt a hand gently touch me on my naked hip. I about jumped out of my skin; it startled me that bad. It was Jakob.
"Jesus Christ! Are you trying to give me a fuckin' heart attack?"
I wheeled around and my natural reaction was to start yelling. I was too startled by the random nature of his visit, to logically sit down and consider it.
"What is it?" I asked as I tried to catch my breath. I was oblivious to the fact that I was completely naked in front of him; quickly forgetting how good his hand felt caressing my naked skin.
"I...I..." Jakob looked as if he was going to start bawling. "I..."
"What?" I was trying to steady my nerves from having the life scared out of me.
"Jakob," I sighed and brought a hand to his shoulder. "I'm sorry. You really scared me. What do you need?"
Jakob swallowed hard, and let his gaze drift down my body and settled on my cock. I felt it twitch from the attention and recognition that Jakob was now staring at it. I wanted to say something when his eyes shifted nervously up to my face, and then around the room.
"I...I was gonna borrow something to...to wear." Jakob was stuttering.
"Jakob, you swim in my clothes." I pointed out the obvious. He was quite a bit shorter, and less built than me.
"I...I thought it'd be okay." His eyes were nervously scanning the room.
I looked at his face long and hard before answering. He looked up at me and I couldn't read him. I didn't know what was going on inside his head. We were close the night before, and then he pulled away. Now he wants to go out with me to a place I know he hates. Now he's in my room, his hand on my skin not moments ago. It was clear I had no idea what was going on.
"Yeah, go ahead if you want. Whatever blows your hair back." I left him alone in the room and headed for the bathroom.
When my shower was finished and I stepped out of the tub, I started to feel like an ass for reacting to Jakob like I had. After everything he'd been through, he deserved me to be patient with him. I pictured the look on his face when I yelled at him, and my stomach tied itself in knots. I quickly dried myself off and headed back to my bedroom to change.
I wasn't much of a fancy dresser. I always went straight for comfort when it came to clothes. After going through the hangers in my closet, I settled with a pair of khakis and a white dress shirt. I turned to my full-length mirror after I had slipped into my attire, and fussed a little with my hair. After a few minutes, and a little dab of hair goop, I was as satisfied with what I saw, as I ever would be and I headed out to the kitchen to wait for Jakob.
I walked into the kitchen, and Jakob was sitting at the table waiting for me. He was wearing his own clothes. Again, I was puzzled. 'What's goin' on, here?' I wondered in the back of my head. I flashed him a confused look.
"I didn't wanna piss you off anymore, so I tried to find something of my own to wear." Jakob absentmindedly played with the shirt he was wearing.
"Jakey, I'm sorry, kid. You scared the shit outta me when you snuck up on me like that. I'm sorry I yelled like that. I ain't mad. I just...I dunno. I'm sorry." I felt like a jerk.
Jakob softly grinned, and nodded. He never held a grudge. My list of reasons for loving him was growing longer by the minute.
"Okay?" I asked to be sure. Jakob grinned and nodded in reply, and I patted him on the back.
"Okay then. Let's go."
It was around eight when we pulled into the parking lot of "Standard". The club was busy when we got there. We stood in line for probably 20 minutes before they let us in. I spotted Mark and a few more guys from the shop, and pointed them out to Jakob before heading towards their table. Jakob seemed uneasy and was casting nervous looks around the place while he followed me. As usual, eyes followed him wherever he went.
"Hey, the asshole made it!" Mark half cheered and stood up to shake my hand as we got past the crowd, to the table.
"Yeah, yeah." I waved him off and he laughed.
The other guys raised their pints of beer, to welcome me, but were concentrating more on the blonde with long legs and a red g-string that was dancing on the stage.
"Guys, this is my buddy, Jakob." I introduced a visibly uncomfortable Jakob to the group, and they all seemed to stare for a while before eventually raising their beers as acknowledgement. Jakob fidgeted around nervously, and spoke into my ear, so that I could hear him above the crowd.
"I gotta go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." He looked at me, and I nodded while I grabbed a seat and joined the guys in gawking at the girl dancing across the stage.
The night passed, and I felt the old me returning more and more with every drink that was set down in front of me. Mark and I were so busy bullshitting about the women that were performing for us; I had completely lost track of time, and lost track of Jakob as well. During the drinks and the fun, Mark had somehow gotten one of the girls to come to our table. For some reason she thought that it was my birthday, and was sitting on my lap, grinding her ass into my crotch. I was too drunk and too horny to protest.
"So, birthday boy. Are you coming home with me, or what?" She had been at our table for what felt like hours. I couldn't even answer her without slurring. I tried to remember how many drinks I had consumed while she was sticking her tongue in my ear. I could hear the guys laughing and cheering.
"Atta boy, Bryan!"
The guys at the table were cheering me on and I was just sitting there. She smiled at me, and her baby blue eyes sparkled like something so familiar. I gave into the pressure of the men at the table, and grabbed the girl's face to force it down so that I could kiss her. The guys went wild, yelling and cheering while the dancer and I were sucking on each other's tongues.
"I told you, Jackson." I could hear Mark yelling. "I told you he wasn't a faggot. You're such a dipshit, y'know that?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." Jackson responded, and I broke the lip-lock with Bambi, or whatever the hell her name was, and stared at my comrades in drunken disbelief. They think I'm a fag. But then the reality of it nagged at me. No, they know I'm a fag.
"You guys talkin' bout me?"
I was scared and yet I was pissed off. I thought I was pissed off at them. Pissed off that they had nothing better to do with their lives than to worry about who I was taking to my bed every night. Pissed off at their stupidity, acting as if it made a real difference who I fucked. It didn't change who I was inside. Mostly I was pissed off at me. I would never have the balls to be myself. I could never let them know who I truly was. I felt like a fraud.
"It's nothin' Bry. I knew they were full of shit when they told me."
I watched as they laughed and chided at my expense and decided that I was going to prove them wrong. I wasn't'gay. I was no faggot. With the alcohol having the upper hand on my thoughts, the girl and I continued to swap spit, and soon her hand was starting to roam. The guys at the table seemed to get louder and louder. When her hand reached the fly of my pants and opened it, and she shoved her hand down the front of my underwear to play with my dick in front of everyone in the bar, the guys sounded as though the building were on fire. They were hysterical.
"Oh, my God!" I could hear one of them yelling. "They're gonna fuck right here!"
It made me more determined. I was going to show everyone that I was as straight as they came. Her hand worked my cock as we continued playing tonsil hockey with each other. I didn't notice the form that was standing over my side. I barely felt the touch on my shoulder until I heard the guys start groaning in disgust. I broke my lip-lock with the blonde to see who was touching me. It was Jakob.
"What are you doing?" Jakob's eyes were red and looked almost swollen.
"Fuck off, kid. Bryan's busy." Someone yelled, and the group broke out into laughter.
I wanted to bash their faces in, but I was too drunk and I had a point to prove. Jakob looked crushed, and it almost sobered me, but I turned away.
"Bryan, let's go. Please!" Jakob begged, and the guys stopped laughing and stared at me in disgust.
I looked at all of them, and then I looked at Jakob. His eyes were sad. If I had been sober, I could have come up with a better way to handle the situation. If I were sober, I wouldn't have gotten into the mess at all. As I sat there in the chair, with a blonde sucking on my neck and playing with my dick, and 7 or so guys sitting there watching and who were bantering to each other behind my back that I was a "fag", I felt like I was suffocating. I cracked.
"What am I, your mother? Go home and play with yourself. I'm busy."
My words were slurred by the alcohol, but that didn't lessen the blow. Jakob took a step back and drew in a deep breath as the guys around the table were laughing at him. He grabbed my car keys that I had set on the table, and took off. I was completely oblivious to what happened not even thirty seconds later. I barely remembered my name.
When I woke up and found myself in an unfamiliar bed, I racked my brain trying to remember what happened the night before. I turned my head and saw a blonde passed out beside me. I had no idea who she was, but she wasn't Jakob.
Jakob.
My body went cold as I vaguely pictured him taking off in a rage.
'What the fuck happened?' My mind could pick up bits and pieces of the night, but they were fragmented. The pieces didn't fit together.
I painfully sat up and eased my way out of the strange woman's bed, found my clothes, and headed out of the bedroom in search of a toilet. I had to puke. Partly from the booze I had consumed hours before, but mostly out of shame. My body was cold. I knew that I had done something unforgivable. I could feel it.
I wandered into the kitchen, and searched for a sign as to where I was. When I found the address on some mail that was stuck on the refrigerator door, I quickly called a cab, and went outside in the cold to wait for it. The winter air blew across my face as I felt hot tears making their descent. I spoke to myself in shame.
"What have you done, Bryan? What have you done?"