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DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction, and any resemblance to those living or dead is not intentional, and is completely coincidental.
XxXxXxXxXxX
"Where the fuck have you been?"
Jakob jumped, startled at my voice and dropped the five boxes of Kraft Dinner he was stocking up on the shelf. It had been a few weeks since his parent's funeral and he completely dropped off the radar. His parent's house had been sold; their car. In just mere weeks, it was like they never existed. I tried to find Jakob a million times after he was finally out of the hospital, but he completely disappeared.
"Hey," he said quietly before bending over to pick up the boxes of noodles he dropped.
"Don't fuckin' 'hey' me. What the fuck?"
It wasn't that I was angry with Jakob, as much as I was worried about him. He almost died in that car crash that took his parents. I'd never seen so many tubes and machines hooked up to a person before. When they told me he discharged himself when I'd gone to see him on one of my daily visits, I couldn't believe it. He literally disappeared. Nobody heard from him and nobody knew what happened. I felt like a bloody stalker trying to hunt him down to make sure he was alright, but he was nowhere to be found.
Jakob was avoiding my gaze, intent on working and pretending nothing was out of the ordinary.
"Jakob," I grabbed his arm to turn him so he was facing me. He looked around frantically, worried somebody might be watching.
"Stop it, Bryan! I hafta work here."
"You haven't been here for weeks. I've been looking all over the goddamned city for you. What the hell happened? Where have you been?"
"I just..." Jakob shrugged and then turned back to his work.
"I needed to be alone. I didn't mean to make you mad." He spoke quietly.
"I'm worried," I looked at him and grabbed some boxes out of the cases of Kraft Dinner and handed them to Jakob. He looked at me before slowly taking them, and resumed stocking his shelves.
"I'm sorry. I'm okay."
"Where were you?"
"I drove out to Jasper; the mountains. I just wanted to run away, I guess."
"You're in pretty rough shape, buddy. You probably should've let somebody know."
"Who?" Jakob asked exacerbated. "Who 'm I gonna tell? I got nobody, Bryan!"
"Jakob," I reached over and held his head. "You have me. You have Jordan, and my mom and dad. There are a ton of people here that care about you."
Jakob rolled his eyes before pushing my hand away.
"Stop. Just stop right there." This time I held his face with both hands so that he would look at me.
"You have me. You have me."
He looked in my eyes and we said nothing for a moment. He slowly nodded before looking down at the boxes of food he was holding.
"Where are you staying?" I asked quietly and shoved both hands in my pocket as an older lady turned down the aisle and pushed her shopping cart slowly past us.
"Around," he answered noncommittally. "Here and there."
"Uh huh, and just where is 'here and there'?" I asked dryly.
Jakob looked up at me and I felt the sadness that seemed to swallow him. His blue eyes looked strained and there were still light remnants of bruising left on his face from the car accident. He was so young to have something so horrible happen to him.
"Jakob..." I pressed on.
"My car..." he whispered softly. "I'm living in my car."
"Awe, Jakob. Why? What the hell..."
He turned away from me, resting his head against his right hand as it rested against the shelf of Kraft Dinner. He took a few deep breaths before standing up straight; turning around to look at me. His eyes were red and looked wet, but I could tell he was fighting back the emotions that must have been pushing to surface.
"I just need to save a bit, and then I'll rent my own place." He shrugged at me.
"Stay with me." I offered while I slapped him lightly on his shoulder.
"No. I knew you were gonna say that. No." Jakob shook his head at me.
"What? Why?" I was confused.
"I don't need handouts. I'm not a charity case or anything. I can take care of myself." He returned to stocking boxes back on the shelf.
"Well, I don't think that you're a charity case, and I know you can take care of yourself. Christ, Jakob. You're my fucking friend. What the hell kind of friend am I if I let you live in your car?"
"You're a great friend, Bryan. You're my best friend. I can't put you out like that." Jakob mumbled and stopped to look at me again.
"C'mon," I urged. "When are you done work? We'll barbeque and you can relax and settle in. I've got 3 extra rooms; you can pick your favorite."
Jakob tried not to smile, which just made him look even more beautiful than usual.
"You're bad." He chuckled lightly as he finished emptying the case of noodles.
"What? Me?" I feigned shock. "Come on. It'll be fun. If you're worried, it can just be until you save up enough money for your own place. But I've got tons of room, and that house is more than enough for both of us. Come on, Jakob. What do you say?"
I could tell Jakob was coming around, but he was Irish and stubborn and fighting me on the subject.
"Jakob, come on..." I urged and he finally cracked.
"Alright! Alright!"
"Yes!" I pumped my fist in victory.
"You sure this ain't no trouble?"
"Jakob! You're no trouble, Christ!" I gave him a quick reassuring hug.
"You have to kick me out if I'm being a pain in the ass." Jakob stated sourly, and I burst out laughing.
"Uh huh. Right. I'll put that on the tenant agreement. So, when are you off?"
Jakob looked at his watch. "3:30. got a couple of hours, still."
"Okay, then. Come over after work, and we'll get you settled. You need any help? You need me to help you move stuff?"
"No. Just what's in my car. It's all good." He grinned shyly.
I backed away smiling at him. Happy and relieved that he was okay and I had finally tracked him down. Ecstatic he agreed to come live with me.
"I'll see you in a little while, then." I waved and headed out of the aisle to leave the store. I could hear Jakob snicker after me.
"Later."
XXXXXX
I felt hot breath on my bare back, and firm hands tightly clutching me around my abdomen. I opened my eyes and they strained against the brightness of the numbers on my alarm clock. It read 3:17 a.m. I laid in silence until the now familiar sound of Jakob's whimpering followed, almost as if on cue.
Almost four months had passed since Jakob had been assaulted, and although we never spoke of the incident again after the afternoon on the steps of my hot tub, things were never completely settled. Jakob had changed in so many ways. His eyes rarely sparkled, and the once comical Irish prankster who was outgoing and charismatic, slowly evolved into someone guarded; quieter. He suddenly was keeping to himself, rarely flashing one of his dazzling smiles. He struggled to put his life back together. He tried to put on a good show for everyone else, but in my company he knew that he didn't have to pretend.
Jakob tried his best to get his life back to normal. He resumed his job at the grocery store stocking and receiving and I don't think any of his other friends or co-workers even noticed the changes in him, but then why would they? Nobody had a clue what had happened besides Jakob and of course me. He faked his way through work; struggling to paste a smile on his face for the sake of his friends not finding out anything was wrong.
Our relationship had taken on a new course. Jakob now seemed to depend on me more. I had always felt an attraction with Jakob, but after the attack I was even more confused about those feelings. I began to look more closely at my sexuality, and try to put a name to it. I had never honestly thought about my attraction to Jakob before; I only knew that I was in love with him, and now I was really thinking about being with him physically. I wanted to be with him as closely as you possibly could be with another person. I wanted to fuck him; to make love to him. I ignored what it meant, because it didn't seem to matter at the time. Now our friendship was shifting, and it was always in the back of my mind.
Jakob had never before been so physically close to me until after he was attacked. He wasn't ever unaffectionate, but physical contact between us had only ever consisted of a friendly slap on the back, and maybe the occasional hug between buddies. Jakob became physically dependent on me in a way. Most nights started with him in his own room at nights, but it always ended the same. Late at night he would sneak in my bed and cuddle up to me after a bad dream. Jakob's vulnerability had shifted my desire for him into high gear, but I loved him too much to do anything about it. I was terrified of hurting him after all he had been through. Meanwhile, Jakob continued to unknowingly exude virility through every single pore of his body.
Jakob was mumbling incoherently. I could feel his body tense up and release as his head would bump against my back and then back to his pillow. His hands clenched tightly before he sucked in a breath and garbled "stop". I flipped on the lamp on my night stand before turning over.
"NO! GET OFFA ME! STOP!"
Jakob was thrashing uncontrollably; his arms flailing to fight off an unknown demon. His hair was soaked from perspiration and stuck to his forehead in curls as his head whipped back and forth. I gently reached over to push back his hair.
"Please, stop!" He cried out and swung his arms wildly before I caught him by both wrists and held his arms over his head down onto the bed.
"Jakob,"
"Stop! Stop! Stop!" he sobbed and struggled against me.
"JAKOB!" I yelled before letting go of his wrists to hold his face.
Jakob took in a deep breath before opening his eyes. His arms went limp and fell at his sides and he looked at me with wild eyes, as if he didn't know who I was. I slowly pushed his hair back from his face.
"Shhhh...it's okay." I whispered. "You're safe. You're home, he can't hurt you here."
Jakob furrowed his eyebrows before closing his eyes. It took him a while to catch his breath and to stop crying. I gently continued to play with his hair. He finally opened his eyes and looked at me.
"You okay, Jakob?" I whispered so as not to spook him. I wasn't sure if he was oriented.
Jakob didn't answer at first. He continued to stare at me before I noticed a tear fall silently from his eye. He lifted his arm and gently grabbed for the hand of mine that was buried in his soft waves. I gave him my hand and he held it tightly. I felt a finger of his gently move back and forth on the back of my hand. It was an innocent, but tender gesture. God, I wanted him so bad. I tried desperately to clear my head of any thoughts of acting on my obvious desire. I noticed that my breathing had become slightly irregular, and my heart was pounding fiercely. I cleared my throat before I dared try to speak again.
"Jakey? Jakob, are you alright?"
He drew in a quivering breath before answering. "I can't sleep anymore."
"I know kiddo. More bad dreams?"
I was desperately trying to calm my hormones, praying that Jakob wouldn't catch me in this state. I had no idea what would happen if he knew how I really felt for him. He was my best friend. It would ruin our friendship for sure. He would never trust me again.
"Yeah." He answered simply.
We lay in silence for a while, holding hands. His free hand suddenly drifted up to my chest; his fingers absently playing with the hairs there. Erotic thoughts started flooding my senses, and I could feel my cock hardening. My breathing was coming out harsh, and I wondered foolishly if I was actually panting.
"Bryan?"
"Yeah, kid. What's up?" I tried hard to control the trembling I could feel in my voice.
"Hold me, Bryan?"
I wanted nothing more than to hold him. He was everything to me but I knew I had to put my wants and desires away or I would lose him forever.
"Okay, kiddo. I can do that." I answered as I flipped over to turn the lamp off. I felt my dick push against my pajama bottoms and knew I had an issue to deal with before being able to comfort Jakob.
"Uhhh...lemme take a leak first, okay?"
"Okay." Jakob answered quietly as I leaped out of my bed and practically ran out of the room. I was thankful I had chosen to wear pajama bottoms to bed. In the dark it was easy to conceal my desire from him.
I almost tripped over my own feet down the hallway as I headed for the bathroom. I couldn't seem to get there fast enough. I shut the door behind me quickly, locked it, and turned on the cold water in the sink. I tried to slow my breathing down, but it was as though I had no more control. I hastily yanked my pajama bottoms off and stepped out of them, turned to face the sink and counter with my engorged cock in my hand. I just couldn't take it anymore.
My cock was already oozing precum before I began fisting it, and I knew it wouldn't take long. I needed release. The sexual tension of sharing my bed with Jakob was almost unbearable; I wanted him so bad. As my hand slid up and down my shaft, images of Jakob flooded my mind; the well-drawn features of his face, his smile that I missed, his short, well-defined body. He wasn't too skinny, but also not overly muscular. He was just right. His hair--oh, God I loved his hair. That black mess of waves he wore when at home would become tame and sexy when he gelled it back if we would go out. I thought about his cock; I only seen it once in a mass of blood and bruises, but I loved it and worshipped it. It was perfect. It was him. I thought about what it would be like to touch that cock, even to kiss it, or to have him touch my cock with his lips. I loved his lips; those beautiful, full lips. I pictured Jakob's lips opening to caress my cock, and I lost control.
My hand was a blur as I pictured Jakob on his knees before me, taking me inside of his mouth. In the background I could faintly hear the sound of the running water, and was thankful that it would camouflage any sounds that might emanate from me. Close at hand, all I could really notice was the sound of my rapid breathing and the occasional moan of pleasure. My balls were becoming tighter. I was teetering over the edge.
As my seed exploded forth onto the counter and sink, I was almost overcome by the power of my desire. Although it wasn't the first time I had fantasized about Jakob while stroking off, it had been awhile. Each time was getting more and more intense, and I wasn't sure how long I could hold off without acting on all of the emotions I carried for him.
I sighed heavily as I opened my eyes and looked at my reflection in the medicine chest. My light brown hair was damp and sticking to my forehead from sweat and my brown eyes looked tired. I took a deep breath and finally saw myself. I couldn't hide from it anymore, not with my cum all over the bathroom counter, and the love of my life laying in my bed down the hall. Right then I knew I was gay. Not all the women in the world were going to change that. I thought I might cry; I wasn't sure if I was ready for that admission at the moment, but it was there regardless. I took another deep breath, nodded at myself in the mirror, and relaxed.
I quickly unraveled some toilet paper, and thoroughly cleaned the mess that I had made on the counter and sink. I flushed the toilet paper, washed my hands and splashed cold water on my face. I wasn't sure what to do, or if I was going to tell anyone. Maybe it wouldn't matter, and I could just keep living life as I was. Maybe I was thinking too much. I splashed myself with more water, and it helped to take the heat from my body, and I felt more control over my breathing. I pulled my pajama bottoms back onto my body, took another breath, and opened the door.
I fumbled my way back down the hall, and into the bedroom and heard Jakob's light and regular breathing, assuming he was asleep. I quietly crawled under the covers, careful not to wake him, and lay down facing the opposite direction. I was spent after my realization, not to mention the incredible climax in the bathroom, and was almost asleep when Jakob's voice startled me.
"Feel better?" The question concerned me. Could Jakob hear what I was doing from the room? I wasn't sure how to respond.
"Ummm...yeah, I guess so." I wondered if he knew.
"That musta been some pee. You were gone for like 20 minutes. You okay?"
"Yeah. I just really had to go, y'know?" I lied, wondering and hoping that Jakob was buying my story.
"I hate that." Jakob yawned and stretched out. "'Specially in the middle of the night and you gotta drag your butt outta your nice, warm bed."
I breathed a sigh of relief. The subject was over.
"How are you doing?" I rolled over to face Jakob, and rubbed his shoulder.
"Are you gonna be okay?"
Jakob never talked about the content of his bad dreams, but one didn't have to let their mind wander very far. I was pretty sure I knew the contents of his nightmares. Some nights I wondered if I had the same one. I suddenly felt a pang of shame for having gotten off on thoughts of my friend after what he had to go through. He'd never even had a girlfriend, and who knows how fucked up his sex life would be after everything that happened to him. I could feel it ache in the pit of my stomach.
"I'm okay, Bry. I'm sorry for this."
"Sorry for what, kid?" I wondered what in the hell he had to apologize for.
"Waking you up all the time." Jakob's voice was trembling, and I wasn't sure if he was about to cry. "I'm so stupid. I just feel better at night when I'm not alone."
"Jakob, stop it. You're not stupid. Listen..."
I wasn't certain what I was about to tell him. I wanted to ease his mind and let him know he wasn't less of a person or a man if he was scared to be alone; especially after what he survived. He could wake me up anytime he felt like it.
"Bry, you please hold me now?"
Before I could answer my assent, Jakob wiggled closer to me and laid his head on my shoulder. I wiggled my arm underneath him, and moved it around his back and shoulders bringing him closer to me. I lay awake for maybe 15 minutes more, before I heard Jakob's breathing change, and I was convinced he had fallen asleep.
"I love you, Jakob." I whispered, full of emotion as I let my eyes close. They flew open when I felt Jakob sit up. He was looking at me concerned.
"What do you mean, Bryan?"
I wanted to die.