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My eyes felt heavy as I tried to open them. I looked up at the ceiling and realized I was completely disoriented. I didn't know the time of day, or even what day it was. I moved to sit up in bed when I heard the soft moan of complaint from my lover snuggled up to me, and felt him shove his face into my side; his head nestled underneath my arm.
I slowly pulled myself from underneath him and eased my way out of bed. Muscles I didn't even know I had were tightening in protest; my punishment for spending such a long length of time in bed. I looked over to the alarm clock and saw that it was just after noon. I stretched and headed for the dresser to pull on a clean pair of boxers. When I looked back, Jakob had already rolled over to where I had been lying moments before; burying his face into my pillow.
I smiled as I walked over to him, marveled by the beauty of his naked body lying so vulnerable and open in what I once thought of as my bed. It definitely was now our bed if not before. The memory of our lovemaking made me feel weak. I leaned down and kissed him softly on his shoulder before pulling the sheet up to cover him. Jakob didn't move and I quietly left him to sleep, shutting the door behind me before heading to the bathroom to relieve my bladder.
As I stood there, I couldn't help but let my mind wander to the last day and what it was like being with Jakob. The kisses he gave were so slow and soft. The feel of taut, hard muscle beneath hot, moist skin as my hands explored his body incessantly. The clench and grasp of his body as it pulled me deeper inside of him. The sound of his voice as he clung to me and cried out my name.
The doorbell rang and broke me out of my reverie. I flushed the toilet and tried to compose myself enough to answer after washing my hands and splashing some cool water on my face. I pointed down to my semi-awakened member and shook my finger at it; willing it to relax. I took a couple of deep breaths and left the bathroom to head for the door.
"Ah, shit!" I whispered under my breath and rubbed my forehead as my mother pushed her way inside.
"Well, it's lovely to see you too. What in the hell is going on?"
"Ma, not so loud. Jakob's still sleeping." I followed behind her,up to the kitchen from the landing.
"And you too, I suppose judging from your get-up? Bryan, don't you usually wear pajamas?"
"Maaaaa..."
I could feel the heat rush from my neck to my face as I rubbed my temples, wishing I was anywhere else on the planet than standing in front of my mother discussing why I wasn't wearing pajamas.
"Oh," my mother noticed my predicament and I could tell the exact moment she realized what was going on.
"So Jakob is okay? I mean I've been calling and calling, and I don't see why you can't even answer the phone Bryan, honestly." My mom busied herself and avoided my appearance by opening the refrigerator door and scoffing at the contents.
"He's fine, ma. I'm sorry; I had the ringer off."
"Well, why did you turn your ringer off? I was worried! He looked absolutely terrified at the church. What in God's name happened, Bryan?"
"I can't really talk about it," I stated simply as I sat down at the kitchen table. Mom turned and shut the fridge door, slowly walking over and sitting next to me.
"Bryan? What's going on?"
"Nothing, ma. I can't talk about it." I shook my head.
"Bryan, it's not good to keep things inside. You'll..."
"It's not my place, mom." I interrupted.
"Is it about Jakob?" She asked simply, and I nodded in reply.
"So you thought the best way to deal with things was to... sleep? For two days?"
I bit my lip and tried to look at her, but I was too embarrassed to hold her stare. I could feel my face get warm and my body started getting shifty and it was pissing me off. I was a grown man for crying out loud and the feeling of having to explain myself to my mother felt humiliating.
"You know he's quite a bit younger than you? I certainly hope that you were a gentleman. You two are using protection, right?"
"Wha?" I was horrified. "Jesus Christ, Mom!" My mother just sat and giggled at me.
"Oh, come on Bryan. I'm not exactly a virgin. Your father and I still..."
"Stop, stop, stop!" I yelled as my hands flew up to cover my ears. My mom just rolled her eyes at me and reached for my hands, holding them gently in hers.
"Really Bryan, I just want to make sure you're...you know, treating him right? I want you to be careful with him. Jakob is so sweet and I think of all those girls you used to sneak in and..."
"I was an idiot then, ma. They never meant anything to me."
"I know, sweetheart. But they deserved better than that, don't you think?"
"I would never do anything to hurt him, mom. I know I was a jerk back then but this is different. I love him."
My mom just smiled at me and squeezed my hands in hers. I was hoping the topic of conversation was at a close; I really didn't want to elaborate anymore on the subject of Jakob and myself. I wasn't ashamed, but talking to my mom about matters of the heart was never a comfortable thing for me. I knew she wasn't stupid; I assumed she knew or thought my relationship with Jakob would include having sex. I just didn't need to go over it in detail with her.
"Hey,"
In walked the one person that changed my life forever. Clad in an old hoodie of mine and black boxer briefs, Jakob's hair was its usual unkempt and unruly self. He stopped rubbing the sleep out of his eyes when he saw my mother sitting adjacent to me, holding my hands in hers.
"Oh, I'm...I'm sorry. I..." Jakob moved to turn around and leave the room, but my mom stopped him.
"Don't be ridiculous, Jakob. Come here." My mother held her hand out for him.
Jakob proceeded cautiously towards my mom as though somebody was going to jump out at him and scare him. He stood between where we were seated and let her gently grab his hand.
"You're okay? You had us worried."
Jakob nodded shyly before answering, "I'm okay now."
"Good. And Bryan's being good to you?"
"Oh, my God!" I groaned as I hid my face in my palm.
I could hear Jakob stifle a laugh before I felt his gentle fingers curl themselves in my hair. I looked up and saw him smile softly before he leaned over and tenderly kissed my forehead. I smiled back at him and watched as he carefully sat himself on my lap. Facing my mother, he wrapped an arm around my neck and rested his head on my shoulder.
"Okay, well that answers that." My mom straightened out her clothes as she stood up from the table.
"I'd like it if you two could come around more often. We hardly see you."
"I'll try harder." I promised quietly. I felt my mom touch my head before she kissed it. She then let her fingers ruffle through Jakob's hair before heading for the entry way of the kitchen.
"You two stay out of trouble, and for the love of God, would you buy some food? I can't believe you two won't starve looking inside that fridge of yours." She paused and stared at us and a gentle smile touched her face. "I guess I'll be seeing you later," and then she let herself out.
Jakob shoved his face in my neck and I could feel him inhale. There was something primal and intimate about the action. He was smelling me; taking in my scent. I felt my pulse quicken as I closed my eyes slowly and took a deep breath. I'd never been this close to anyone before. I could feel my arms tremble slightly as they wrapped around Jakob and held him tightly.
"I think I love her." Jakob mumbled into my neck and brought my mind back to the present.
"You should, I think you're her favorite kid." I frowned and let my hand find its way into its favorite spot; curled into Jakob's mop of hair.
I could feel Jakob laugh against me and then felt his mouth press up against the sensitive skin of my neck. I closed my eyes while his lips traveled up my neck until it found the tender skin behind my ear. I felt the stirrings of want in my gut with the feel of his mouth on my skin; the rush of his breath in my ear.
"Careful," I warned as I turned my head towards him and grinned.
Jakob pulled back sharply; his face turning three shades of red before grinning crazily. I laughed loudly before pulling his head back into my neck and kissed him firmly on his forehead.
"How ya doin'?" I asked curiously while I wrapped my arms back around him.
I wasn't about to lie to myself. While making love to Jakob had been the most intense sex I'd had, I realized I had a lot to learn. I'd tried to be careful with him during our lovemaking, but in the heat of the moment you can never be certain. I remembered the blood I found on him after we were together and I couldn't help but wince.
"I'm okay, how are you? You okay?"
"Yeah, yeah. I'm great." I nodded before I kissed him on the cheek and tightened my hold on him.
We sat in awkward silence for a while. I could feel Jakob looking at me so I made sure to plaster a smile on my face. I unconsciously started nodding again while I looked around the room. Jakob sat up and looked at me annoyed.
"You're so full of shit, your eyes are brown!"
"What?"
"You! You're full of shit. You've got that stupid look on your face when you're full of shit."
"What?" I started laughing at Jakob for being so indignant. He looked completely pissed at me and yet couldn't look more adorable. On the other hand, he looked completely pissed at me and it suddenly dawned on me that I should be concerned.
"What are you talking about? Why are you getting all upset for?"
"You! You're lying. You're not okay, you lied."
Jakob stood up in a huff, trying to walk away but I yanked on his arm and he fell back into my lap where I held him tight while he struggled.
"I didn't lie. I'm great, and if you'd calm down we could talk about why you're suddenly so mad at me."
"I'm not mad!"
"You're yelling at me," I couldn't help but laugh. "Obviously you're mad."
Jakob furrowed his eyebrows and bit his bottom lip before looking away.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "You're still a liar."
"Why do you think I'm lying?" I had no idea why Jakob was so upset.
"You didn't like last night, did you? You're sorry."
"What?" I really couldn't believe what I was hearing. "You smoking weed and not sharing? What the hell is the matter with you?"
"You're not okay. I asked you, and you got that look on your face. Don't look at me like that, Bryan. I know when you're lying."
I chuckled lightly. I had no doubt that Jakob could tell when I was lying. Unfortunately my temperamental Irish lover had no clue what I was lying about and was making it his mission to throw a fit to beat all fits. I made a mental note to myself to always stay on his good side.
"Don't laugh at me." Jakob broke out of my grip and stood up, walking to the other side of the kitchen.
"Jakob, come on." I groaned and followed him. "I'm not laughing at you. Okay, I am laughing at you, but only 'cause you're really cute when you're mad." Unfortunately that comment won me a look that could promise really bad things in my future.
"Jakob," I reached out and cupped his face in my hands. "I was just worried that I hurt you. I'm a little new at this so...I was just worried, that's all. Being with you felt wonderful, how could I ever be sorry?"
Jakob's scowl faded as he looked up at me. "I told you, I'm okay."
I let my arms drop at my sides and I nodded, still feeling a bit frustrated. It seemed to me that Jakob really had no idea how much he meant to me. I racked my brain trying to figure out when our signals got crossed and then it dawned on me.
"Ah shit, Jakob. I'm sorry."
"What?" It was Jakob's turn to be confused.
"We...y'know?" I suddenly felt awkward again. Jakob continued to look utterly confused.
"I...I didn't even take you out to dinner." I shook my head at myself. Things my mom was trying to tell me, suddenly came into view.
"Huh?" Jakob looked at me like I grew another head.
"We haven't even been on a...y'know?" I felt awkward and embarrassed.
I was usually a lot smoother than this when trying to ask somebody out. Then I realized that the stakes were a little higher. This time I really loved the person I wanted to be with. Jakob still looked clueless, and then started to look worried.
"A date, Jakob. We've had sex but I haven't even asked you out on a date."
"That's okay," Jakob's smile made me melt.
"No, it's not okay. You deserve better. Tonight we're going out, so pick a movie you want to see and let's do this."
Jakob seemed to have one of his shy moments where his face turns all of these cute shades of pink and red and he stares at the floor with his 100 watt smile. He looked at me and shrugged his shoulders before looking at the floor again; his smile never fading. Before I knew it, he had his face shoved in my chest and his arms wrapped tightly around me.
"I love you," I could feel rather than hear him mumble into my chest.
My arms wrapped around Jakob, and I held him tightly to me while I rested my cheek on his head.
"I love you more."
OoOoO
"So, what did you decide?" I asked as Jakob walked back to me from the ticket desk at the movie theatre. Jakob grinned as he handed the tickets over to me.
"Sniper? Are you fucking kidding me?"
"What? C'mon, it looks good. This guy..."
"Jakob!" I laughed at him. "Our first official date and we're goin' to see some sniper guy blow people's heads off? That's what you wanna see?"
"I dunno." Jakob shrugged, and suddenly looked disappointed. "I don't know anything about the other movies. You don't wanna watch this one?"
"It's not that, I just was expecting you to pick something less...guns and ammo and something maybe more...date worthy."
"Oh," Jakob mumbled and I suddenly regretted giving him such a hard time.
Jakob was small and Jakob was sensitive, but as much as he liked loud music he also liked movies fast paced and loud as well. I don't know why I thought that would change just because we decided, or rather I decided to call a typical night out with him a date.
"Alright!" I smiled and slapped the tickets against my palm. "Sniper it is! Let's go see some people get their brains splattered."
"You're sick," Jakob laughed and I just looked at him.
"Hey, you're the one that picked the movie."
"Touché," Jakob chuckled and grabbed to hold my hand.
I don't know what was running through my head at the time. Maybe the years of hiding and keeping my feelings for Jakob a secret wielded itself into habit, or maybe I was just chicken shit to actually be myself out in public. I could hear people chuckling around us, or maybe it was just in my head, but I jerked my hand away from Jakob and shoved it in my pocket.
"You okay?" Jakob asked.
"Yeah," I answered too quickly; nervously. "Yeah, I'm good."
"Is this a date, or are we just hanging out? What is this?"
"It's a date." The smile on my face felt forced, even to me. Jakob didn't look offended or even mad. He looked hurt.
"You don't wanna hold my hand though?"
I didn't know what to say. I was completely out of my comfort zone and I hated myself for it. I hated that I was scared about how everyone around us would react if I took Jakob's hand in mine and walked into the show together. I was scared of the comments, sneers, jeers, and laughter I was sure it would cause.
"I'm just not into public displays, y'know?" It sounded cold as soon as it left my mouth and I wanted to kick myself. Jakob didn't say anything. He quietly nodded and looked away from me.
"Hey, you want some popcorn; something to drink?" I tried to change the subject, but Jakob just shook his head, not saying anything back.
"Okay," I scratched the back of my head; totally uncomfortable with the night so far. "We might as well go find somewhere to sit."
I let Jakob walk a step ahead of me while we followed the herd of people into the movie room. Jakob picked an aisle seat near the back, and I took my jacket off and tossed it on the seat next to him.
"I'll be right back," I said, but Jakob just stared at his lap, not even indicating that he heard me.
I sighed in frustration as I made my way to the concession line; wondering how I was going to right this huge wrong that I knowingly dug myself into. I stood in line and watched everyone around me. There were couples everywhere, groups of friends and families laughing and being themselves and I felt jealous. I also felt stupid about how I reacted to something as simple as holding Jakob's hand.
When it was my turn to place my order, I decided on a way to try to make it up to Jakob. I ordered a large popcorn and a large soda and headed back to where Jakob was seated. I handed the popcorn to Jakob while I sat down, placing the soda in the cup holder between our seats.
"Extra butter," I commented as I reached over and grabbed a small handful of popcorn from the bag on Jakob's lap.
Jakob held the bag for me to take it, but I shook my head.
"I don't want any." Jakob shook his head back at me, and I grinned and passed him a napkin I had shoved in my pocket.
"Extra butter; your favorite, right?" I asked nodding at the bag of popcorn. "Coke. We can share."
"I hate butter," Jakob stated quietly as he took a few pieces of popcorn out of the bag despite this and put them in his mouth. I grinned and grabbed another handful for myself.
The movie started at this point, and we sat in silence for most of it. It didn't take long before the bag of popcorn was empty. Jakob carefully placed the empty bag on the floor by his feet. As he grabbed his napkin to wipe the butter and salt off of his hand, I gently grabbed his wrist bringing his hand up to my mouth.
Without saying anything, I gently pulled at one of his coated fingers and put it into my mouth cleaning it in the process. Jakob looked at me nervously before looking around the theatre to see if anyone was watching.
"What are you doing?" He asked frantically.
"Extra butter. My favorite." I smiled as I licked off another one of his buttery fingers.
Jakob wrenched his hand away while he scanned again for witnesses. I was amused that I managed to embarrass him, but I was also very sorry for the way I pulled away from him when he wanted to hold my hand earlier.
"I'm sorry." I said softly.
"I thought you weren't into public displays of affection?" He shot at me and I winced.
"I'm not really, actually." I thought about it, and it seemed to be true, but in actuality it was only because I'd never let myself become serious with anyone before. The opportunity was never really there.
"You have no problem being affectionate with blondes in strip clubs when their boobs are hanging out." Jakob muttered.
"Whoa!" I hollered out unintentionally and got shushed along with some dirty looks from the other movie goers in the process. I wasn't sure how to respond; I thought that night had been forgotten but obviously I was wrong. I was wrong about so many things.
"I'm sorry." Jakob whispered as he hid his face in his hands.
"No, Jakob. I hurt you and I'm the one that needs to be sorry. I just let my head get in the way and that doesn't seem to ever go too well for us."
I looked over at Jakob and he turned his face from his hands and looked back. I smiled softly at him as I slowly offered him my right hand. He looked down at my hand and then back at me. He grinned softly as he slipped his hand in mine. I gave it a squeeze before we turned back and watched what was left of the movie.
The drive home was quiet, but comfortable. I realized things I took for granted before needed my attention. The things I guess I never really prepared myself for before, like letting the world know and judge the most intimate and important part of my life; my love for Jakob. Jakob was a spit fire; small in stature but certainly not a push-over and yet he forgave me fully, completely, and easily. I decided that was something I wanted to aspire to and there were a lot of attributes he possessed that I really did admire besides his hauntingly good looks.
I thought more about it as I sat out on the deck in the hot tub. It was well after midnight and while Jakob wandered off to our bedroom to do what I figured was catch a few z's, I grabbed a beer, stripped off in the kitchen and headed for the hot tub to think about things.
I felt like in a lot of ways I was still trying to figure out who I was. I was only 26; had a house, a car, a career and things most people strived to have, but they weren't the things that defined me. Who was I? Did I even know? I thought that I had most things figured out until my feelings for Jakob began to whirlwind, and it seemed like I couldn't find direction with two hands and a flashlight. Maybe I was wrong to push my feelings for him onto him. I wasn't even sure that I was good enough for him, or if I was what was right for him. It seemed like I was always letting him down, if this night was any example.
I sighed and took another drink off of my beer. The air was cool and crisp and the sky was very clear. I knew nothing of the stars or constellations, but they were all in plain view as I leaned back and took all of it in. I heard the patio door shut quietly and out came Jakob wearing his swim shorts, flippers, mask and snorkel. He couldn't have looked more ridiculous and I couldn't help the volume of my laughter if my life depended on it. I could only pray that the brisk air meant that my neighbors had their bedroom windows closed.
"All I need now is a rubber dingy." Jakob smiled as he sat on the edge of the hot tub and let his legs slip into the water; the flippers sticking out from the surface.
I laughed as I tossed him the yellow rubber ducky that doubled as a thermometer for the tub. Jakob scoffed at me.
"I said dingy, not ducky." He slipped into the water.
"You've gone full retard. The neighbors are gonna start thinking that your parents were cousins."
Jakob laughed out loud into the night and tossed his mask and snorkel off onto the deck. That was soon followed by one flipper, and then the other. He sank down onto his butt in the middle of the hot tub; his head beneath the water and then quickly came up for air, pushing his hair back out of his face. I'm sure the look on my face was silly as I could only stare at him and smile.
Jakob slowly eased his way over to me and glanced down as he settled into the molded seat beside me.
"I'm over dressed," he smiled as he looked down at my naked lap and then met my eyes.
"Nah," I winked at him and wrapped my arm around his shoulders, bringing him in close to me. "You're good, baby."
He leaned into me and we watched the sky. It was about 40 minutes later and I was pretty sure Jakob had nodded off when his head fell slightly forward and to the side, but I nudged him awake when the sky broke out into a light show of greens and pinks as the Northern lights took hold.
The aurora borealis was a phenomenon common to us, but with the city growing it wasn't always something we got to see due to the bright lights of the city. We sat in awe as the colors jumped, flickered, and changed and when they finally died off it was after 4 in the morning.
"That was incredible. Thank you." Jakob whispered so softly I barely heard him, and then realized the gratitude wasn't meant for me.
He was looking up into the sky, maybe in prayer to a God or spirit I wasn't sure that I believed in. I felt almost like I was intruding on something very personal, but I watched as he closed his eyes and bowed his head; his lips moving as he crossed himself. My hand reached out as though out of my control and gently stroked the side of his face. His skin was damp and cold and I frowned.
"You're gonna catch a cold if we don't go inside."
Jakob looked at me curiously, but said nothing. I sat up and climbed up over the edge of the hot tub before turning around and offering a hand to Jakob. He smiled softly as he took my hand and followed suit. I tossed him a towel as I busied myself and maneuvered the cover for the tub; noticing him fighting his way out of his wet swim trunks.
There was a fierce possessiveness to how I felt about Jakob; a strong need to protect him. His wet skin was covered in goose bumps from the chill of the night air and even though he acted unaffected, it bothered me.
"You're freezing," I commented as I took the towel from him and wrapped him in it, briskly rubbing my hands up and down over him.
"You are too," he shrugged and stepped closer to me so that he could rest his face against my chest.
"Well, what the hell are we doing out here then? Let's go inside."
I opened the patio door and lead him inside where he let the towel drop to the floor as he shivered and made his way to our bedroom. I followed him slowly, admiring the way taut muscle was moving and flexing beneath his creamy skin as he walked. His bum was perfect and I had a sudden and strange urge to shove my face into it. I tried to shake it off, but my cock was already at full mast.
Jakob eased his way onto the bed and settled down in the middle. I climbed up and eased my body on top of his; his legs splaying and soon I felt his ankles lock together behind me keeping me in place. He shivered and shuddered and I let my hands try to warm him as they moved up and down over his arms. It didn't take long before my mouth found its way onto his. The feel of his soft, strong lips against mine before my tongue ventured out; slipping and sliding against, and tasting his own. I could feel Jakob harden against me and that's when I felt his hand on my shoulder pushing me up ever so slightly.
"What's wrong, baby?" I asked out of breath while a hand moved up and began caressing his damp hair.
"I love you," he whispered as he shook his head at me and then looked away. I could sense there was something he needed to say or ask so I pushed on.
"What is it?" I urged.
Jakob began to look nervous and I couldn't help but feel concerned.
"I don't wanna make you mad." Jakob commented shakily. My hands held his face as I watched him.
"I won't get mad, Jakey." I promised. "Just tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing," he answered quickly but then continued. "Do you think maybe you can just hold me tonight?"
"That's it?" I let out the breath I'd been unknowingly holding, sure that Jakob was about to tell me something devastating.
"Well, I didn't want you to be mad at me 'cause you're hard and I know you want to, you know, but I just thought..."
I silenced his rambling when my lips pressed softly against his. When I eased my mouth from his he still looked worried.
"You're not just some fuck for me, Jakob. Do you not know what you mean to me?"
Jakob looked away and I let out a sigh. I eased myself off of him and lay beside him, my body facing towards his. He quietly rolled away from me and I moved my body against his; my arms wrapping around his frame and my legs curling around his. My cock was still hard, but nestled harmlessly against the warm crevice of Jakob's rear.
"This is nice," I stated gently as I shoved my fingers in his damp curls and began playing with his hair. "I love this too, y'know?"
Jakob nodded before whispering, "I'm cold." I reached down and brought the bed covers up over us. Once we were covered, he reached back and grabbed my hand; his fingers lacing with my own before tucking both of our hands underneath his chin. I tightened my arms around him to let him know I was there and felt him kiss my hand.
"I love you," I whispered and Jakob nodded before I heard him take a ragged breath and sniffle. He was crying.
"It's gonna be okay, Jakey. I'm right here."
I worried about where his tears were coming from, and could only pray that he didn't think of me as some monster that was only interested in getting my dick inside of him. I didn't think he thought of me that way, but a lot had changed for us in a short amount of time and I realized how confusing it could have been for him especially after all he had been through. Suddenly, it was as though Jakob was reading my mind.
"Thanks Bry. I love you."
"Shhhhh...I know, baby. Get some sleep."