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My parents were standing outside the front entrance of the church when I parked my car off to the side. Jakob didn't say anything; he quickly got out of the car and straightened out his shirt and slacks before walking over to my mom and dad. I slowly followed him over to my parents, while the block of ice in my stomach got colder and colder.
There was nothing sacred or holy to me about that church. It only represented pain and suffering to me. I stopped suddenly when I saw the dumpster at the far end of the parking lot where the alley was. It wasn't that long ago that I found Jakob curled up against it; his body beaten and violated. I did not want to be back at this place; it was the last place on earth I wanted to be.
"Bryan?"
My mother's voice broke into my thoughts. I took another look down to the alley before approaching her. Jakob was standing between her and my father staring at his feet. He looked pale and unsteady.
"What took you boys so long?" My mom asked as my father grabbed the door and held it open for us.
"Sorry," was all I said. It seemed to suffice and we proceeded inside.
The pews were mostly empty and we took our places near the middle, but not far enough to the back for my liking. The service began with a song, but my focus and attention was on Jakob as his breathing was becoming erratic and hurried. I noticed that he wasn't singing and he looked as though he were swaying on his feet and about to fall over. I gently and discretely took his hand and he looked at me. His eyes were glazed over, and he looked as though he were going to be sick.
"Are you okay, Jakey?" I was getting more worried. He nodded and then turned his focus back to the front where a priest stood.
The song ended and we took our seats. Jakob's hand was cold and clammy as it clutched on to mine for dear life. I could hear him hyperventilating as his eyes closed. I didn't care; I slid closer to him and wrapped my arm around him. Jakob let his head fall to my shoulder.
"Is that him?" I motioned to the priest delivering the service at the front of the room. I had to know, but at the same time I was scared of his answer. I didn't know what I would do if his answer was going to be yes.
Jakob shuddered before shaking his head. His hand reached over and grabbed the front of my shirt.
"Shhhhh..." I whispered as my lips pressed against his forehead.
"I think I'm gonna be sick, Bry. I'm sorry, you were right. I'm sorry. I can't do this." Jakob took a deep breath and his whole body started trembling out of control. My arm tightened around him.
"It's okay. It's gonna be okay." I reassured and looked over to my parents who seemed to be oblivious to Jakob's state; paying attention only to the sermon happening at the front of the church.
"Mom," I whispered loudly to get her attention. She first looked annoyed at me, but then the look turned to horror when she saw Jakob leaning on me.
"Oh, dear! What's wrong, honey?" My mother whispered as she petted Jakob's hair.
"Mom, I gotta get him outta here!"
"Oh, my God!" My mother nodded and stood up as I shuffled out of our pew and pulled Jakob to his feet.
"What's going on?" My dad stood up and followed us out into the aisle and through the doors out into the reception area of the church.
"Honey, he looks horrible!" My mom ran her hand through Jakob's hair before resting the back of her hand on his forehead.
"What'd you do, get him sick?" My dad looked at me confused and I just shook my head at him.
"I gotta get him home." I said and felt Jakob lean into me even more.
"Does he need the hospital?" My father suggested but I just shook my head.
"We gotta go," was all I said while I led Jakob out from the church over to my car, leaving my parents standing at the door in complete confusion.
Jakob's eyes were fixed on the dashboard, and we said nothing to each other as I turned on the ignition, and peeled out of the parking lot as fast as I could. It took me all of seven minutes to make it home. I remembered running two red lights, and wondered in amazement that there wasn't a cop around to ticket me for it. All I could think was that I had to get Jakob home as fast as I could.
I slammed the car into park as I squealed into the driveway. Jakob was still staring at the dashboard when I walked over to the passenger side of the car and opened the door for him. I laid my hand on his shoulder gently and frowned when he jumped from my touch. I knew that taking him back to that church was a mistake, and yet I brought him there. Now we were back to square one; he was as jumpy and terrified as that evening months ago when he called me to come get him away from that place.
Jakob managed to pull himself together enough to slide out of the car without much help from me, and he followed me silently to the front door where I unlocked it and held it open for him. He walked through, but stopped when he reached the stairs leading up.
I didn't know what to do; I didn't know what to say. I shut the door and leaned against it while I watched him. His body suddenly began shaking violently. Alarmed, I immediately took a step and reached for him.
"Jakob, are you okay?"
Jakob didn't answer. He stared off into space before he began sobbing uncontrollably; the speed and rhythm matching the rate his body was trembling. I gently turned his body so that he was facing me and noticed his hands. They were clenched in fists, his right hand trickling blood. I lifted it, and tried to pry his fingers open to get a better look at whatever was causing it to bleed. His fingers gradually opened for me, and I saw the pendent that I had just given him wedged tightly in his palm practically branding his skin. I tried to take it away, but Jakob's fingers closed tightly around it again.
"Jakob," I started, but I didn't know what to say. Nothing I could ever say to him would ever erase the pain he was going through. I felt helpless.
I could suddenly feel my throat constrict as my eyes began to sting from the wetness trying to seep out of them. My hand instinctively reached out to touch his hair. He was staring blankly past me, seeing something that nobody else could see. Finally, like the flick of a switch he fell into me pressing his face into my chest and let it go.
"Shhhhh..."
I tried to soothe him as I clutched him to me; listening as months and possibly years of pain released as he wailed out loud. His body went limp against me, but I held him tight; keeping him on his feet. I fought, but couldn't hold back the tears any longer as I heard Jakob cry that he was sorry over and over again. I didn't think it was possible, but I held on to him even tighter and let my own tears fall.
It was a while before the sounds of Jakob's cries slowed. I couldn't see his face as it was shoved tightly into my chest, but his grip on me was lessening. I let go of him with my left arm and hand as I felt lower and picked him up underneath his knees. His eyes weren't even open as his head bobbed back against my right shoulder. Clearly he was exhausted and probably in a bit of shock as I carried him to our room and laid him gently on our bed.
I kicked off my own shoes before leaning over to gently remove the shoes and socks from Jakob's feet. I realized he had exhausted himself to a point of unconsciousness as I slowly undid his belt and tugged his dress pants off of his legs. My own exhaustion seemed to hit me at that time and I didn't have any energy left to undress myself when the phone rang.
"Yeah," I answered tiredly.
"Bryan, how is everything? How is Jakob; is he okay?" It was my mom.
"I don't know," I started and felt the lump returning to my throat when I looked over to him. "He's sleeping now."
"Bryan?"
"I can't talk right now, mom. I gotta go."
"Bryan...what happened? What's going on?"
"Mom, I can't right now. I'm sorry." I felt my voice shaking.
"Bryan...alright honey. Let us know if you need anything, please? We love you."
"I love you too. Bye."
I was thankful that my mom didn't press for any more information as I felt another hot tear slide down my face. I turned the ringer off on the phone and looked back over to Jakob who looked surprisingly peaceful while he slept on our bed. I shimmied the covers out from beneath him. I didn't bother undressing; I flopped over Jakob onto my side of the bed. I shoved my arm underneath his neck and curled my arm up so I could slide my fingers into his hair. My other arm fell possessively around his body, holding him close to me. When my eyes fell closed I thought feebly about pulling the blankets around us; but as soon as the thought entered my mind, it left as sleep overtook me.
I had no idea what time it was when my eyes opened to the dim light from the lamp on the nightstand. I didn't remember turning it on before lying down with Jakob in bed; my mind was foggy and my head felt heavy from the emotional rollercoaster. I looked at Jakob, his back still facing me. I couldn't tell if he was still asleep, but I didn't want to wake him if he was.
I sighed as I moved my arm from around him and let it glide lightly from his shoulder, down to his hip. He was only wearing his dress shirt and his white cotton briefs. His cotton covered bum was pressed into my crotch and I allowed myself a half smile.
"I love you." Jakob's small voice startled me.
"Jakob? What are you doing up? Go back to sleep." I whispered as I wrapped my arm back around him.
"I love you." Jakob repeated as he shuffled around and turned to face me.
"I love you, too." I let my hands find his face, and held him there as I kissed his forehead.
He rested his head on my shoulder and we lay for a little bit when something my buddy Mark had said before crossed my mind. It was the fact that Jakob had grown up going to the same church. The fact that Jakob was friends with, and knew the priest that had raped him. Jakob didn't talk much about his past with me; he always seemed to avoid the subject about his family and his childhood. It was a gnawing feeling that wouldn't stop.
"Jakob?"
"Mhmm?"
"Did..." I really didn't know the right way to ask, or even if I had the right to ask but I did anyway.
"Did he ever hurt you before?"
I tried searching his eyes for the answer but he avoided my gaze. That was when I knew all that I needed to know. I didn't want details; I didn't want dates and places. I just wanted to know if my suspicions had been correct. I knew then that they were.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to," he started and I wanted to shake some sense into him.
"Stop it! Enough!" I was so angry I got out from underneath him and sat up straight. "Why are you still apologizing for what that sack of shit did to you?"
Jakob slowly sat up next to me, shaking his head. It was a habit. He was taught that what happened was all of his fault and it made me sick that he believed it to be true. My worst fears seemed to be unfolding before my eyes. Returning to the church was making him regress.
"I'm sor..." he started, but then stopped when he saw the look on my face. "Don't be mad at me, please." He begged as he shoved a hand into his hair in frustration.
"Hey," I held the back of his head and kissed him gently on his lips.
"I'm not mad at you. I just...I don't know what to do anymore. I want to help you through this; I just don't know how or even if I can."
We sat beside each other on the bed for a while not saying anything. Maybe there wasn't anything to say. Jakob was going through something I had no frame of reference for. I had never experienced abuse, nor did anyone in my family. Maybe I'd never be able to help him. How could I, when I didn't even know what he was going through?
It was as though Jakob was reading my thoughts when he said, "I love you. You're my best friend, Bryan. You've always been there for me from the beginning. I'm sorry I'm so fucked up right now...I'm sorry for that. I just want you to know that I couldn't do this without you."
"I'd do anything for you, Jakob. I hope you know that."
Jakob nodded his assent and we sat beside each other in silence for a while longer. I hoped that with more time and patience, Jakob could somehow find his way out of what happened to him. I knew that I would be there because I meant what I said; I would do anything for him. It was more than us being lovers; Jakob was as dear a friend to me as I apparently was to him.
I looked over to the nightstand and cringed when I saw the time. It was 2:45 in the morning and although at that moment I didn't feel tired, I knew that I would be asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
"You work tomorrow?" I asked. Jakob shook his head in reply.
"Well, why don't we get some sleep?"
"You gonna sleep in your clothes?" Jakob asked tiredly as he sized me up and down.
"I guess I better not," I said as I unbuttoned my shirt and tossed it to the floor beside the bed. I thought about taking off my pants but got as far as taking my belt off before giving up and lying down without removing any other clothing.
Jakob smirked at me before tossing his shirt on the floor after mine and settled into bed. He faced me as he shuffled closer; clad in only his underwear. I shoved an arm under his neck and was about to circle my other arm around him when he brought his right fist up and tucked it underneath his chin.
"You gonna let go of that thing?" I asked as I looked at the dried streaks of blood on his wrist and up his arm.
"I think I broke it; the chain fell off."
"Lemme see." I asked gently and Jakob slowly opened his hand for me.
The pendent; besides being covered in dried blood seemed to be in pristine shape. The loop at the top was stretched where the chain should have been threaded through. Jakob's hand looked like a mess. There were scratches and gouges where he had held on too tightly to the cross. I gently closed his hand and kissed his knuckles before grabbing for the bed covers and pulling them up over us.
"We'll get you a new chain; a stronger one." I murmured while I kissed his head and rolled over to reach the lamp on the bedside table. I turned it off and settled back where I was. I could feel myself slipping away.
Jakob didn't reply with words. He simply wrapped his right arm around me and held on.
When I woke up again it was light out and I could hear the chirping of birds outside the window. I felt hot and groggy and kicked some of the blankets off of me. Jakob was on his back next to me; his head turned towards me with my arm still shoved under his neck. He looked peaceful in his sleep; his left arm resting across his body and his right arm settled at his side. I gently pulled my arm out from beneath him and propped my head on my hand as I smiled and watched him.
He looked so beautiful and inviting lying next to me; it didn't escape me how little he was wearing. I leaned into him and placed my lips on the bottom corner of his mouth. Jakob didn't respond at first, but as I let my lips move over his I felt his breath hitch. Soon after his hand moved up to my chest; his fingers lightly stroking back and forth.
"G'mornin'," I whispered while I stroked his face and jaw with the backs of my fingers. Jakob opened his eyes slowly and nodded in reply.
"Are you okay?"
Jakob slowly nodded again and I couldn't quite read the expression on his face. He looked unsure, and looked as though something was bothering him.
"What's wrong?" I asked concerned. Jakob opened his mouth to say something, but then shut it. His eyebrows furrowed as he shook his head at me.
"What is it?"
Jakob looked away and then looked back into my eyes as he bit his bottom lip. I felt his hand move up from my chest to my neck where he pulled on it; urging my face closer to his. His mouth was open, and I felt his tongue lightly touch my top lip as his fingers curled themselves into my hair. I smiled at the realization of his insecurity. He wanted me to kiss him again, but was too shy to ask.
I pressed my mouth to his and felt his other arm wrap around me and hold me to him. His mouth was warm and soft as it moved against mine. Both of his hands were then buried in my hair, grabbing and releasing. I shifted my weight; wedging a leg in between both of his until he moved them apart. I shoved my other leg in between his and forced them to open wide and let me fall completely between them.
The room was filled with the sound of our breathing and the occasional soft moan from Jakob. It didn't take long for things to get heated. My hands buried themselves into the soft waves of his hair as I felt his drifting down my back to hold me at my waist. I drove my hips into his and felt the fullness of his cock against me.
"Oh boy," I sighed after I tore my mouth from Jakob's.
Things were moving quickly and I wasn't sure that I wanted to slow down. I moved up on an elbow while I let a hand drag down from Jakob's head, down his neck and chest until it found the hard mound in the front of Jakob's underwear. That beautiful tube of flesh was clearly hard and outlined beneath the white cotton of his briefs. I let out an involuntary moan of pleasure when I noticed the wet spot at the tip of where his penis was.
"Oh God, Jakob."
"I'm sorry," he whimpered.
"Shut up," was all I could say before my mouth crushed back onto his.
Jakob had no choice but to open his mouth for me as my tongue snaked its way inside. I moved a hand down and let it slip inside the front of his underwear; the feel of him in my hand made me ache to the core. I needed inside of him. I wanted to bury myself inside of him-not just my dick. I wanted to curl up inside of his heart and stay there forever.
I let my hand slide up and down his cock while I dragged my lips from his mouth down his jaw until my mouth sucked hard on the tender skin of his neck. Jakob hollered out as my mouth moved down and found a nipple. I was drunk with the taste and feel of him and I couldn't get enough.
I stopped everything and got on my knees between Jakob's legs. Jakob's eyes were only half open; his chest was heaving as he tried to catch his breath. He looked at me confused as I grabbed both of his wrists and hauled him up; his legs sliding around me. I held him by the ass as I let my covered erection rub up against the cleft of it.
Jakob threw his arms around me and buried his face in my neck as I heard him cry out loud. I let my hands slip into the back of his underwear and kneaded the mounds of his butt and I could feel the trembling starting from him. It wasn't the first thought that things might have been going too far for him, but I felt out of control. The feel of his skin consumed me and all I cared about was how to get closer to him.
I pulled down on the back of Jakob's underwear and let the tip of my middle finger drag up and down the crack of his ass. I heard him gasp, and felt his fingers dig into my shoulders. When my finger felt the soft, puckered opening of his hole, I pressed firmly yet gently until it eased inside of him.
"Uhhhnn...Bryan." Jakob grunted hoarsely.
"Shhhhh, baby, it's okay." I soothed him as I moved my finger in to the first knuckle, and then slowly pulled it out.
I kissed him on the lips. He in turn opened his mouth for me, and we kissed deeply while the tip of my middle finger began to move slowly in and out of him. Jakob jumped a little at first, but then thrust his tongue inside of my mouth when the remainder of my finger to pushed against his hole and found its way inside of him.
"How does that feel?" I whispered as my tongue attacked Jakob's ear.
His fingers dragged across my back while he moaned my name. The head of his cock was visible from the top of his briefs; leaking profusely against his and my skin. I made the assumption that he was feeling good; that what I was doing was giving him pleasure. I slowly started fucking Jakob with my finger, eventually working a second finger inside of him. He was becoming wild against me, and I somehow knew that we were both ready. I slowly withdrew my fingers from him and eased him back down to the bed.
"Bryan, please...I love you. It's okay...please." Jakob was begging.
The need in his voice matched the need I felt in my body and in my heart. I nodded and leaned over to kiss him on his forehead. He reached up to brush my hair back before I moved down his body; slowly pulling his underwear the rest of the way off while I moved to get off of the bed.
Jakob was gazing eagerly up at me, and I stood and admired how absolutely beautiful he looked lying on our bed naked and waiting for me. My heart was pounding, and I felt a little light headed but pushed it back as I reached down and undid my pants. When I had my pants and boxer briefs off, I sat on the edge of the bed and reached over to curl my fingers in that soft mop of waves.
Jakob slowly rolled onto his stomach. I couldn't help the smile that crept up to my lips as I let my hand sweep over the firmness of the muscles in his body and the softness of his skin. We had taken the long road, but here he was offering himself to me without hesitation. I moved onto the bed beside him and continued letting my hand glide over his body until I reached his hip. I let my hold tighten and pulled him over onto his side. Jakob looked confused.
"What are...?"
"Shhhhh..." I cut Jakob off before he could start.
My hand drifted up his side and back down over his hip. Jakob's face still registered confusion and it was no less than adorable. I could only smile at him. My hand slowly swept over the curve of his ass before I let my fingers drag lightly through the cleft. When my fingers lightly touched his hole, Jakob moved to roll onto his stomach but again I pulled him back.
"No, not like that, baby. I want you to see me. I want you to know that it's me making love to you, nobody else. I want you to see me when I'm inside of you." I whispered hotly into his ear.
The taking of Jakob was sweet and filled with the love we had come to feel for each other. There was nothing rushed, or forced. This time I knew in my heart that we were both ready to become one physically. I wanted my essence inside of him. I wanted to give him everything that I was, and everything that he taught me to be.
Jakob slowly rolled onto his back and I rolled on top of him; opening his legs with my own. I gently urged Jakob's knees closer to his chest as I lay on top of him. We kissed tenderly as I gently thrust my cock up against his and felt his body shudder. I let my hand move down to stroke his erection before moving even lower to rub against the hot valley of his ass. As my fingers found and rubbed against his opening, Jakob tensed up and started whimpering.
"Shhhhh...relax, baby. I'm not gonna do anything to hurt you. I love you so much, Jakey. I love you."
"I'm scared. I want you so bad." Jakob confessed and I could feel my heart flutter.
"You have me, baby." I whispered into his ear while I pushed my cock against Jakob's hole.
I grunted hoarsely as the head slipped in, and Jakob buckled beneath me. His eyes went wide, and he hollered out briefly in what sounded like pain, and then clenched his eyes closed as his head fell to the side.
"Shhhhh..." was all I could offer to soothe any pain I knew I was the cause of.
Jakob was impossibly tight around me and I thought the sensation would send me prematurely over the edge. Making love to Jakob was nothing like when I had been with women before. My senses were heightened; everything felt new. Amazingly, I had the sense to know enough to stay still and not make any sudden movements that would cause damage. Every muscle in my body struggled to hold me in place until it was okay to move forward.
Jakob whimpered as he slowly moved his knees up even closer to his chest, and I could feel his body relax. He pushed his bottom back against me, and I felt myself slip further into him. Jakob moaned; his eyes still closed tightly with his head to the side.
"Jakey?"
I gently cupped his face and turned it to face me. His eyes slowly opened and his gouged up hand found the side of my face and held me like I was holding him. I turned my face into it and kissed him softly there and smiled when he smiled at me.
"I love you," I whispered and let my arms move around him to hold him to me. We had finally become one.
The feeling of being inside of Jakob was becoming overwhelming and the sight of his incredible body so vulnerable beneath my own was consuming me. I absolutely worshipped him, and thanked every God that existed for giving him to me.
"Bry...Bryan," Jakob cried out as his fingers dug into my back.
Each thrust had him crying my name and it was driving my desire for him to the edge. I grabbed him by the wrists and held his arms above his head while I plunged into his body over and over again. His body shook violently as his climax took over him, and it drove me over the brink. I felt his beautiful ass as it tightened around me. I collapsed on top of Jakob as I came; letting my soul pour into him.
It took some time before I could catch my breath. I laid on him for a while before I thought I was going to fall asleep and end up suffocating him. I shifted and felt my flaccid organ slip from Jakob's body. I pushed my upper body off of Jakob to look and check on him and found him lying there with his eyes closed. His face was relaxed as he seemed to be sound asleep. I grinned as I slowly moved off of the bed and headed to the bathroom to get a warm wash cloth to clean the both of us.
When I returned, Jakob hadn't moved. I gently cleaned his cum off of his chest and stomach, and Jakob remained still. I heard his gentle snoring start, and I couldn't help but chuckle. I continued cleaning him up, gently positioning him on his side. I noticed the blood right away and started to panic. I hurried back to the bathroom to fetch a new cloth. When I returned, I eased myself on the bed and slowly cleaned the blood from his bum.
"I'm sorry," I said without really meaning to.
It wasn't a lot of blood, but I couldn't help but feel guilty for being the cause of it. I promised Jakob that I would never hurt him, and it seemed like the opposite was true. I let my fingers lightly touch the smooth skin of his buttocks and felt the faded scars he had as a reminder of what happened to him months ago. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I took a deep breath and moved slowly to get up from the bed.
"Stay," Jakob's hand grabbed my wrist as he turned slowly to look at me.
"Hey, what are you doing up? I thought you were sleeping." I forced a smile.
"What's wrong?" Jakob eyebrows furrowed and he pushed himself up into a sitting position. "Nothing." I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying to clear my head.
"Bryan?"
I felt his hand on my face before he pressed his lips against mine. When I opened my eyes, he was looking at me concerned.
"What's wrong?" He asked again. When I was about to shake my head again when his hand held my jaw more firmly.
"Don't tell me nothing. What's wrong? Are you sorry we..."
"God, no! No...I...I think I hurt you. You were bleeding, I just..." I felt like shit. It wasn't how I imagined our first time together, but then again I didn't know how it would be having never been with a man before.
"Did I hurt you?" I looked at him seriously.
Jakob gave a shy grin before the red started to creep onto his cheeks. His hand went to his head; rubbing and messing up the mop of waves while he looked away from me.
"What?" I asked.
"You...you're big. I gotta get used to you I guess." Jakob mumbled to his chest before looking up at me. It took me a little to understand what he meant, but when I did I felt guilty.
"I don't ever want to hurt you like he did, Jakob. I don't ever want to put you through that again."
"But you didn't, Bryan. I love you and I want you. You're inside me now, Bryan. He can't hurt me anymore. I knew you would make him go away."
That was all it took before I found myself on top of him again; our arms wrapped around one another tightly. Jakob's lips pressed firmly against mine and I couldn't help but let his words sink in. I couldn't help but be moved by them.
"I won't let anything happen to you, Jakob. I promise you. We belong to each other now."
I rolled onto my back and Jakob followed me; resting his head on my chest with our legs entwined. My arms wrapped around him, one hand rubbing his back and shoulders while the other played lazily with his black waves. We lay silent in each other's company listening to the world outside our window until we both drifted off to sleep.