Matt
I realized pretty quickly after we adopted Nate and Jack that I had gotten myself in over my head. I figured that since we had help from Jared's parents that I could manage three kids in the evenings. Sometimes I could get them to sit still long enough by keeping them in front of the TV but most of the time they were busy being the rambunctious boys that they were, getting into everything and figuring out unthinkable ways to hurt themselves or get into trouble. Looking back I can't believe how naive I'd been. Don't get me wrong I love my sons more than I could ever express but I also have to take responsibility for my own mistakes.
My entire world came crashing down one evening. Jared got home late in the evening as he had flown to Atlanta and back that day. The boys had already gone to bed and when he came in the door he had a distraught and seething look on his face. I had a feeling I knew what this was about and my heart sank. My stomach entered a free fall as he glared straight at me.
"Matt, I know," was all he had to say. I was mortified but also relieved because I wasn't having to work so hard to try to keep this a secret all the time.
My name is Matt and I'm an alcoholic. I've introduced myself that way many times now but it's still not something I like to spend a lot of time talking about. But it's the next part of my story, so here goes.
I had my first drink in middle school. I was 12 and on a sleepover at my friend Ryan's house. We stayed up late like we always did only this time he said he had something fun for us to do. I remember following him downstairs into the basement and he pulled out a bottle of gin.
"Have you ever drank before?" he asked me.
"No I haven't," I replied with the excitement of a kid who's doing something naughty.
"Where'd you get this?" I asked.
"My dad's always drunk, he's got a stash that I steal from," he replied.
"Oh," I said as he opened the bottle. He took a long swig and shook his head in disgust.
"Here," he said handing it to me. "It's going to taste like shit but that's part of the fun."
I lifted the bottle to my lips and almost spat it out once the taste hit my tongue. I forced myself to swallow and pushed a few more swallows down and almost as soon as I did I felt it hit my bloodstream. We took a few more turns and before I knew it I was drunk. We were laughing like idiots while watching TV into the night and we kept going until the bottle was gone. Ryan and I were completely shitfaced and we could barely stand up.
I realized pretty much instantly that I loved how I felt when I was drunk and I couldn't wait to do it again. As soon as that thought crossed my mind my stomach started feeling funny and I knew what was about to happen. I staggered to the bathroom and as soon as I got on my knees and my face over the toilet I started puking uncontrollably. I couldn't stop until it was all gone. As I reached up to flush the toilet Ryan came rushing in beside me, pushed me out of the way, and emptied his stomach as well.
The next morning I had such a bad hangover that my dad was concerned about me when he came to pick me up. I lied and said that we'd stayed up all night and I was just really tired and he seemed to buy that and let me sleep for as long as I wanted when we got home. Ryan and I kept having sleepovers and kept getting drunk every time I was over. It was our cool little ritual and I looked forward to it every time. In my 12-year-old innocence I had no idea what I was setting myself up for when I got older.
In high school I had a lot of friends but my favorite people were the ones who threw parties. One night in tenth grade I was at a bonfire where there was a keg and all of a sudden the police showed up. I sprinted the entire way home, a mile and a half, to make sure I didn't get caught. I was never brave enough to get a fake ID or try to buy alcohol when I was underage but I really didn't need to. I had connections because drinking was my favorite social activity.
College was another story though. I drunkenly lost my virginity at a party the third night after I went away to school. I don't remember how much liquor I'd had but there was an obviously gay dude who'd had his eye on me the entire time I was there. There was a girl who had flirted with me when I first got there and I had already turned her down and explained why. She came back up to me later, tapped me on the shoulder, and whispered in my ear "That guy has been eye fucking you for a while."
With plenty of liquid courage coursing through my veins I went up to him and we danced together for a little while. I told him my name was Matt and he said his was Brian. We pounded down a couple more beers before he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere private. We headed to a bedroom and locked the door. We kissed sloppily and found our way to the bed. We pulled our clothes off and without thinking I said "Is it okay that I haven't done this before?"
"Totally. It's cool that I get to be your first," he replied. "Do you have a condom?"
"Shit I don't," I slurred.
"Freshmen always come unprepared," he said as he fished one out of his wallet.
"I'm going to bottom, is that okay?" he asked.
"Yeah I've always wanted to top," I replied.
"Here let me drive," he said. He laid me down on the bed and climbed on top of my thighs.
"You've got a big one," he said as he ripped the condom wrapper open and rolled it down my cock.
He used some spit for lube and pushed me inside him. We both let out a sigh as I went in for the first time and he started riding me. I looked up at him, he had kind of a pudgy body and hair dyed pink. His smile was just so cute and I couldn't believe this was happening. I was shaking with excitement and before I knew it I was exploding inside him.
"I'm sorry was that too soon?" I asked as he got off of me and laid down beside me.
"You're fine. It takes practice and I think you're about to get a lot of it," he replied and we laughed.
I staggered back to my dorm that night and continued to binge drink every time I went out. I developed quite a tolerance and the taste didn't bother me at all like it used to. I binge drank every time I drank so at first I rarely drank. But then it got more and more frequent. I started getting drunk while I was doing my homework and even went to class or the dining hall hammered.
That stuff was happening right before I graduated, which turned out to be a saving grace. After I graduated I spent the summer at home before I went off to grad school where I met Jared. Jared and I drank occasionally and I largely stopped binge drinking while we were together, except when Jared wanted to get drunk. I suggested getting drunk when we were at the beach house on our first Christmas partially because I wanted to see if he would be a good drinking partner. At first I would drink moderately when he was gone on a trip, which was usually four or five nights a week. I just wanted to feel good while I was stuck at home alone.
I never drove drunk but that made for some boring nights in. I would always make sure that I had done everything I needed to do for the day and wouldn't have to go out for anything else before I would start drinking. One beer would turn into two, which would turn into six before I knew it. Soon a six pack wasn't enough and I'd blow through a twelve pack in a single night. I had to be drunk to relax and while initially I wouldn't drink in front of Jared so that he wouldn't suspect anything, eventually I got pretty good at hiding it. I was always chewing gum and would limit myself to one beer when he was around when I got home from work.
After a while drinking went from a way to have fun to a way of self-medication. Yeah it was cool being married to a pilot for a little while but soon the loneliness kicked in. I would just be in front of the TV all night watching Nightline, Saturday Night Live, or whatever was on. I was miserable. I didn't really have anyone to talk to, aside from Sam when he was over and we almost always got drunk together. When he made a pass at me when he was drunk I blamed myself and I couldn't tell anyone why.
So when we adopted Danny I was completely overwhelmed. When we first met him he melted my heart and I decided to say yes because I knew that in the end I wouldn't regret it even though it was going to be incredibly difficult when we first got started. When he started getting a little older and could start to play and began to develop his own personality he really became my little buddy. He wore me out on a daily basis but he melted my heart. It was the same line of thinking when I agreed to adopt Nate and Jack. I knew it was going to are life harder in the short term but that it would be good for the kids in the long term.
My drinking really escalated when we became parents. I started sneaking a shot of vodka here and there to take the edge off. Before I knew it I was loaded the moment I got home from my in-laws' house. I made it my mission to be able to do everything I had to for the boys while drunk and every time I admit to that I die inside. They're my world and to have done something so selfish to them is something I don't think I'll ever live down. It took a lot for Jared to forgive me but I'm still working on forgiving myself.
I was drinking a fifth a night and slurring my words in front of the boys. I would let them play video games longer than I should have and just barely coherent enough to check the simple addition problems on their kindergarten math homework. One night Jack came up to me and asked if I could take them to McDonalds for dinner. Jack was sweet and loving but he was also the group spokesman for the boys when they wanted something. I felt like I'd drove a stake right through my own heart when I told them no, I was so trashed and there was no way I was going to drive.
That was the moment when I realized that I'd fucked up. I was in an impossible situation. I desperately wanted to stop drinking but I soon realized I couldn't. I couldn't ask for help either because I was certain Jared would file for divorce, take the boys, and I'd never see them again. Day after day I'd promise myself that I wouldn't drink, that tomorrow would be the day I cleaned up my mess. But day after day I'd take that first drink. I'd sit at work fiending for a drink all day long. Alcohol was all I would think about. I went so far as to open a second bank account and have a portion of my paycheck deposited separately into it so that I could buy my alcohol without him knowing. I kept the debit card in my glove compartment and I kept my stash hidden inside a suitcase that I put a lock on so the boys couldn't get into it. One night I put my half-empty bottle in the tank of the toilet like I usually did and that was how I got caught.
I don't think I'd ever seen Jared that angry. I don't know that he was even that mad when I told him what had happened with Sam. My heart was racing so fast I thought it was going to beat out of my chest.
"Sit down," he instructed. I sat down on one of the couches and he purposely sat down on the other.
"Are you drunk right now?" he spat out at me. I knew I was caught and that lying wasn't going to make this any worse so I just admitted it.
"Yes," I replied and he sighed as he buried his face in his hand.
"Do you have any fucking idea what you've done?" he yelled before he realized that he didn't want to wake the boys up. In my mind I prayed that they wouldn't hear this conversation.
"Jared I'm sorry..." I began before he cut me off.
"Don't. Don't you dare," he laid out in an icy voice. "I'm taking the boys and we're going to stay with my parents for a little while. You put our boys in danger every single time I was gone. Once I've cooled off then we're going to talk about this but in that time if you drink even one drop of alcohol then we're done. Have I made myself clear?"
"Are you going to tell them?"
"What do you think Matt? Do you really think that I can just show up at my parents' house and live there for however long without telling them why you're not there?"
I looked down at my feet feeling the same way I did as a kid when I got caught doing something bad and I knew my goose was cooked.
"If you want even a prayer of seeing our sons again you go to an AA meeting tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. You fucked up Matt," he said as he got up off the couch and headed for our bedroom.
"Are you leaving me?"
"Matt I don't know what I'm doing," he continued in that icy, pissed-off voice.
"Honestly when I walked out that door this morning I didn't ever want to see you again. But then I thought about the good times we've had. And then I thought about my boys and how much I hate myself that I was stupid enough to not notice that my own husband, the one fucking person I know better than anyone else on this planet was a drunk and was drunk every time he was alone with our sons. So for now consider us separated."
"Jared please!" I begged with tears streaming down my face.
"Matt stop. You know what you need to do. You stop drinking, you get help, and then we'll figure things out from there. But this is all on you at this point. I can't save you and I'm sure as hell not going to condone what you've been doing. If you want to have any chance at saving our marriage then that's what you need to do starting right this second. Now I'm going to go get packed and get the boys ready."
I rolled over on the couch and bawled my eyes out. There was no doubt that this was rock bottom. About ten minutes later Jared came back out and sat down next to me on the couch. I could tell that he'd calmed down a little bit. His tone had softened and he put his arm across my back.
"Matt I want you to know that I still love you and I always will. This is tough love. I'm sorry that it has to be this way but I do believe in you. You can get sober. And if you want to fix things that's the first thing you're going to have to do. It's a long road ahead and I'm not going to lie I don't know if we still have a future. But part of me wants there to still be one so please get help."
"Can I have a hug before you go?" I asked. He sighed and nodded. He embraced me and then said something I wasn't expecting.
"I want you to go to our room before I take the boys out. I don't want them to see you intoxicated again."
That broke me inside. I laid down in our bed and cried all night. But true to what he'd asked of me I didn't drink. The next morning I sleepwalked through work and when 5:00 mercifully came I raced home to get on the computer and find a meeting. There was one about 25 minutes from the house in Tacoma and it was specifically for newcomers. I walked into the building and found the room where the meeting was held.
I was trying so hard to keep it together and not break down in front of an entire room full of strangers when a very kind man came up to me. He looked to be a few years older than me and he noticed the shape I was in.
"Hi, I'm Stephen," he said offering his hand to shake.
"Matt," I replied as I sniffled.
"I can tell you're going through something," he said in a soft tone. "Do you want to talk?"
We sat down at a table and I couldn't hold it in anymore. I dropped my head onto my arms and burst into tears. He put his hand on my back to console me and whispered in my ear that it was going to be okay.
"My husband just left me and took our sons with him," I managed. "He's a pilot, I was drunk every time he was gone," I got out before I was sobbing too hard to be coherent.
"You're not alone. This happens all the time to a lot of people. But you're right where you need to be," he said after he sat down next to me.
"Is this your first meeting?" he asked.
"Yeah," I replied. "He told me to come here or else he's done with me."
"I can sponsor you. Here's my number," he began as he wrote it down on a slip of paper. "Call me tonight and any time you want to drink. We're going to talk at least once every day. It's going to be hard but the fellowship is here for you."
"Thanks," I said as I looked up at him trying to hide the pain.
"After the meeting we'll all give you our numbers so that any time you want to drink, day or night, you'll have someone to call. Even if one person doesn't pick up the phone you just keep going down the list."
Right after that it was time for the meeting to get started.
"My name is Chris and I'm an alcoholic!" shouted the chair to get everyone's attention.
"Hi Chris," everyone responded.
"Welcome to the Monday night meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Let's have a moment of silence for the addict still suffering followed by the serenity prayer."
I sat silently as I didn't know what was going on yet but the chorus of voices went up around me.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
After they read the twelve steps and the twelve traditions, they asked if there were any newcomers. It took the same type of effort as it does to bench press a heavy weight just to say the words.
"I'm Matt and I'm an alcoholic."
The room erupted in applause and everyone stood up to give me a hug. I don't remember a lot of what was said at the meeting but it was so therapeutic knowing that there really were a lot of other people just like me who had this same problem and had lost the same things I'd lost.
The next few days were some of the hardest in my entire life. All I could think about was alcohol especially given the circumstances. I just wanted to get drunk more than anything. But I didn't. Sometimes I had to step outside at work and make a call. It was so demoralizing but I realized very quickly that I really was powerless over alcohol as Step 1 says we have to admit. I usually had to make a call the second I got home from work and another six or seven calls before I went to bed. But I got through it. Before I knew it I had a week sober. On day 10 I got a call from Jared.
"Hello," I said with my heart pounding into my throat. I had no idea what he had to say and I was so scared.
"Hi Matt, how are you?"
"I'm as good as I can be. I'm 10 days sober today," I said trying not to cry. Hearing his voice was a painful reminder of what I had lost.
"That's great!" he replied with joy in his voice. "Have you been going to meetings?"
"Yeah I have. I've been going to AA every day, I have a sponsor, and I call someone every time I want to drink."
"I'm really glad to hear that. I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know what's been going on. The boys have been crying for you every single night and I tell them they can't see you right now because you're sick," he began and I felt like he'd ripped my heart out, threw it on the ground, and lit it on fire. "So as long as you're sober you can come over to my parents' house after work every day and see them." Just like that I had sheer joy coursing through my veins.
"Really?" I managed through tears.
"Yeah. I also want to come over this weekend and have a talk with you a well."
The next day I drove over there and it felt very awkward walking into their house. His parents didn't show any signs of resentment but the whole thing felt like a big pink elephant in the middle of the room that none of us were talking about. When the boys saw me they came sprinting up to me as fast as they possibly could.
"Daddy!" they yelled and before I knew it I had Danny and Nate wrapped around each of my legs and Jack with his arms around my waist. Eventually they let me into the living room and they all tried to get onto my lap at once.
"Where have you been?" Nate asked me.
"I've had to take care of myself," was what I chose to say. I looked up at Jared and he smiled to say silently that he liked that answer.
We ate dinner together and then I left for the night and the boys cried at the fact that I couldn't stay. It ripped my heart out all over again. As I stepped outside to get in my car Jared came out with me and we stood on the porch for a second. He put his hand on my shoulder and looked into my eyes.
"If what you're telling me is true I'm proud of you," he began. "We need to have a talk about us first and I'm ready to have that first one this weekend. Can I come over?" he asked.
"Yeah definitely," I replied. "Does this mean you're coming back?"
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," he replied. "We've still got a lot to work through. This is the first part of it."
"I love you Jared. It's so hard being apart from you," I said with the pain in my voice so obvious.
"I love you too Matt. It's just complicated right now. Have a good night. I'll see you this weekend," he said as he turned to go back inside.
I got back in my car to head home and before I started the engine I put both hands at the top of the steering wheel and my forehead against my knuckles. The not knowing was the absolute worst. It was then that I realized that not only was I powerless over alcohol, but I was powerless over what Jared chose to do about our relationship. It may be hard to get out of denial and delusion about step 1, but eventually the reality of that powerlessness slaps you in the face and when it does, that's a moment you'll never forget.
Hey everyone, Alex here. Thanks for reading. I'm very sorry for how long it took to get this chapter done and I'll explain why. My dad died recently and I had to drop everything and start a personal writing project. Due to our complicated relationship, it had the goal of burying the hatchet with him before he went. So now that that's over, I'm grateful to have Jared and Matt to keep me busy and distract me from the grief. As always, let me know what you think at AlexCenturyErotica@yahoo.com. Stay tuned!