Jared
My legs felt like they were made of cement when I got out of the car. I felt like I was just going to fall straight over when I opened the door tried to step out. Matt came around to the passenger side and took one look at me and he knew I was probably in worse shape than he thought. The ride over had been silent. He'd tried to talk to me once since we left the hotel but I was one-track minded.
"I'm right here," he whispered as he slid his hand into mine. I trudged forward knowing that if I followed my instincts and ran away that it would be something I regretted for the rest of my life. Matt opened the door for me and my mom and dad turned the corner just as we entered.
"Jared," she whispered as she brought me in for a tight hug. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah," I said knowing that that was a lie.
"He's right in here," she said taking my other hand and we paused just before the entrance to the room where Brady's casket was. "We can stay right here until you're ready."
"Does he look like himself?" I asked without thinking and I regretted it instantly because I knew how insensitive that question was.
"Yes, they did a good job," she answered.
"I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be strong for everyone," I backpedaled as I looked at the ground. My mom stepped in front of me and put her hands on my shoulders.
"You don't need to be strong for anyone but yourself, Jared. Take care of yourself. It's not your job to take care of anyone else."
"I just..." I said before the tears came and she embraced me again and just held me. We cried together for what felt like forever and she held me by my shoulders again.
"Jared you are the best son God could have given me. Don't ever forget that. You make me so proud every day. You're loving, caring, devoted, and you have such a kind and gentle soul. I'm so glad I have you as my son and I love you more than anything in this world."
"Can I have a minute alone with him?" I asked quietly.
"You can have as much time as you need and if you need me you come get me, I'll be in the lounge downstairs," my mom replied.
"I'll be down there too," Matt said as he turned to follow her downstairs.
I took a really long, deep breath and stared at my feet for a minute before I entered the room. There he was, laying dead in his casket. He had a natural expression on his face and his hands were on top of his midsection. As soon as I saw him I broke down. I staggered to a chair in the front row near his casket and buried my head in my hands. He was wearing a suit, and that hurt to see because the last time I saw him in a suit was at his wedding, one of the best days of his life.
"Brady I'm sorry," I said through the tears. "I'm sorry that's all the time you got. I'm sorry. Why did this have to happen to you?"
I looked down at my feet and wallowed in my misery for a minute before I felt a shiver go down my spine. I heard two words, unmistakably in his voice: "I'm okay." Those words gave me the strength to go on.
I went back down to the lounge and helped make sandwiches and stir crock pots for the visitors. A couple hours later people started showing up. My aunts and uncles and cousins came first, and then friends I hadn't seen in years. The rest of the day was a blur and I felt so self-conscious. I knew they'd understand but it was kind of embarassing letting everyone I've ever known see me with a mix of agony and exhaustion in my eyes all day.
Finally the last person left and we were free to go home for the day. My dad asked us to come back to the house before we went back to the hotel and I wasn't opposed. While I was ready to be alone with Matt I knew that my parents probably needed me just as much as I needed him.
I walked in the door and took a deep breath. My dad motioned for me to follow him and we went down into the basement together. I sat down on the couch next to him and he put his arm around me.
"Jared we're about to have a conversation I've always looked forward to having with you but it kills me that it's under these circumstances," he began. I looked him in the eye and I could tell that we both could see the vulnerability in each other in that moment.
"Let me just first say that there are no favorites in our family. But I've always thought that you'd make the best father out of the three."
I felt like I'd been hit with a ton of bricks.
"Fatherhood is a big responsibility and I don't want you to take this decision lightly. I don't doubt that you aren't. But it's more than just providing and making sure that he's fed and clothed. You're preparing him to take on the world and be a member of society. You're giving him the gift of discipline so he knows what's expected of him when he has no one to rely on but himself."
I nodded understanding what he was saying but not fully understanding the magnitude of it. I couldn't.
"It's not about you anymore when you have a child. He becomes your entire world. But you get to watch him grow into a man every single day and he'll make you prouder than you could ever imagine. I'm not saying this selfishly because I don't want to raise Danny because I'm okay with whatever you two decide.
"If you aren't ready for this responsibility then please don't take it on. He'll be a bonus round for me of sorts. It's going to be really hard at first but it will be the most rewarding decision you ever make."
When he finished speaking we both stared at the floor processing what had just been said.
"Honestly Dad I'm leaning towards yes. I don't know what Matt thinks yet and I think it might be a touchy subject," I said.
"Why are you leaning towards yes?" he asked.
"Danny is my own flesh and blood and Brady wanted me to take care of him." I answered honestly.
"See this is why I wanted to have this talk with you. You shouldn't be doing it for Brady. You should be doing it because you really want to, because you know you're ready for this step. Another thing you should know is that your mom is ready to retire and we want to move to be near you guys so if you decide to adopt him you won't be alone. You'll have our help." he said in a gentle voice.
"Oh man, really? It would be great to have you guys close again."
"We really want to make it happen. We enjoyed the weather on our last visit," he said with a smile.
"Dad can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Was it disappointing when you found out I was gay?"
"Jared your mom and I knew you were gay long before you did. It wasn't that big a surprise. It didn't matter to me. We were pretty sure Sam was going to be gay from the time he was little. When I first held you when you were born nothing mattered but the love I had for you as your father. Nothing is going to change that either. You'll know what I mean if you decide to adopt Danny."
"Dad I hope you know that I'm doing okay through all of this," I said with tears in my eyes.
"I'm really proud of how you're handling it. You've given me strength," he said as he broke down. "Losing a child is the worst loss you can go through," he said through tears.
"There's a special bond between a father and his first son. Even if you don't adopt Danny I hope you get to experience fatherhood one day Jared. You're going to make a great father whether it's now or down the road."
That was when my mom yelled for us because the pizza had arrived and we hugged for a minute before we headed upstairs. When she saw me my mom put her arm around me and kissed me on the cheek. After dinner Sam went up to his room and I went and knocked on his door. I walked in and sat down next to him on the bed and looked him in the eye.
"What's on your mind?" he asked.
"I was coming to see how you were doing. You've been pretty quiet through this whole thing."
"When am I not quiet?" he said sarcastically and we shared a chuckle.
"I'm just really numb," he said looking into my eyes with a serious look.
"That's normal. It's the first part of the grieving process," I replied.
Over the next two days I really had to focus on myself and my feelings because I wanted to take care of everyone else. I was in big brother mode around Sam and I felt like I had to be there for my mom and dad when they really wanted to be there for the two of us.
Matt and I went back to the hotel around 11 that night and when we got back I decided to start writing that letter to Brady and read it as a eulogy at his funeral. It took an effort just to pick up the pen and start writing. I poured my heart into it but I knew that there was one part I couldn't write just yet.
I waited for Matt to get out of the shower and once he got dried off and changed into his pajamas I decided to bring up the big subject we hadn't discussed seriously.
"Matt," I said before I took a deep breath. He sat down next to me and put his arm around me. "I just wanted to let you know where I am. I'm leaning towards yes."
"Holding him for the first time made me tend to agree," he replied.
"Really?" I asked.
"Yeah. We can't make our decision on that alone but I fell in love when I got to meet him," he said as I looked into his eyes.
"How about we find out what the process is going to be like. Can we do that?" I asked and he smiled.
"I think that's a good idea," he replied with that damn mischevious smile and we hugged.
The next day was easier but I was still going through the motions. After we got home I decided to sit my mom down in private. I brought her to my bedroom thinking about how I should tell her about Matt and my conversation from the night before. It felt like I was taking a step I couldn't take back but I knew that if we decided not to go through with it they wouldn't be angry.
"What's on your mind?" my mom asked as she put her arm around me.
"Matt and I want to know more about the adoption process. If we decided to adopt Danny what would we have to go through?" I explained.
"It's complicated but not as complicated as you may think. We'll get a lawyer here in Illinois to deal with the paperwork and the court process. You guys will have to apply to be adoptive parents in California and they will do their checks. They have to do a background check, you have to fill out a questionnaire, and they'll do a home study to make sure your house is safe for a child. Then a judge would sign off on you guys having full custody and he'd officially be your son," she explained.
"Okay. It sounds really complicated but straightforward at the same time," I said not sure how to react.
"It's got a lot of bureaucracy but it's a process that thousands of people go through every year. It's really not that hard, especially since it's in his will. You'll just have to baby-proof your house," she said and we both laughed.
"You know your dad and I want to move to California to be close to you guys," she added.
"That's what Dad said. I'm all for it. I need my family to be close now more than ever."
"We don't know when that will be but I was ready to retire even before all of this happened. I want to make it happen sooner rather than later."
A tear fell from my eye when she said that and audibly dropped to the floor.
"We're going to make the most of this Jared. We're going to get through it as a family," she said trying to comfort me.
The final day of visitation came and went in just as monotonous a fashion as the previous one did and then Matt and I were back at the hotel. As soon we were through the door I sat down at the desk to finish my eulogy. I had gotten out most of what I wanted to say already so it wasn't long before I was done.
"Do you want to read what I wrote for tomorrow?" I asked. I'd wanted to ask Matt that question since I'd started writing it since he gave me the idea.
"I will if you really want me to but I'd honestly rather hear it tomorrow," he answered.
"I respect that. I'll save it then."
I went over and sat on the edge of the bed and stared down at my feet. The emotions flooded me and I started bawling. Matt wrapped his arms around me and cried with me.
"He was always very good to me," Matt said once we finally gathered ourselves. "He was such a kind soul."
"He was kind of a straight version of you," I said and we laughed and laughed.
"I think if you had siblings you would have been the same kind of brother," I said in all seriousness but Matt laughed.
"Have we reached a decision on adopting Danny?" I asked as delicately as I could. I really didn't want Matt to think that I was pressuring him in any way but I needed to know.
We went to bed and rose early to get ready. I always thought that Matt looked silly in a suit because he's usually wearing casual clothes but he really wore it well that day. We held hands as we walked into the church and I checked out for most of the first part of the service. I didn't care for the religious stuff but I was very moved by all the eulogies. My parents made sure that I was the last one to speak and once again my legs felt like lead as I headed up there. I pulled the pages out of my jacket pocket and took a deep breath.
"Dear Brady," I began.
"To say that you were the best big brother I could have asked for would be an understatement. You were the best role model I could have asked for and you prepared me well to be Sam's big brother. You taught me how to tie my shoes, you taught me how to tear it up in Madden, you even taught me how to smoke weed, but most importantly you taught me how to be a good person. You taught me how important family is. You encouraged me to pursue my dream of being an airline pilot and I wouldn't be where I am today without you.
"I could spend hours up here talking about what my life is going to be missing without you but I don't want to do that. You gave me so many gifts in life that I'm going to cherish until I join you in the afterlife. Now matter how badly I screwed up or whatever jam I found myself in I always knew that you would be in my corner.
"Your loss leaves a massive hole in my heart that will never be repaired. My soul is always going to yearn for your presence and life is never going to be the same without you. But in death you gave me a gift that I will go to my grave grateful for: fatherhood. I never planned to become a parent and I don't know what lies ahead but you gave my life a bittersweet curveball that I know is going to be fulfilling and worthwhile.
"I want you to know that Danny is going to have the best life possible with us and he's always going to know that you're his dad. He's going to know how much you loved and cherished him but he's also going to have two very loving and devoted dads that are going to do their best to make sure he grows up to be the kind of man you were.
"While you may not be by my side anymore you're always going to be in my heart and I'm going to take solace in the fact that I'll always have a piece of you with me for the rest of my life. This isn't goodbye, it's 'see you later.'
"I love you and I miss you and I'll always honor your memory. I'll see you on the other side. Sincerely, your brother, Jared Anthony Ryan."
As I turned from the podium and placed the letter in Brady's casket everyone in the church stood up and applauded. My parents and Matt left their seats to come and hug me. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life and I was glad they came to embrace me because that was a memory I'm going to hold onto until I die.
I actually managed to smile during the luncheon and we had our extended family over that night at the house for dinner and it was hard but also cathartic to catch up with them. I gave my parents a long hug goodbye when we left for the hotel that night because we were flying home the next day but I knew we'd be seeing them soon.
As soon as we got in the door to our room Matt was all over me. He pushed me up against the door and started kissing me more passionately than he ever had in the nearly ten years we'd been together. I dropped my jacket and he went straight for my tie and once he got it undone he unbuttoned my shirt. I started to undress him as we made our way to the bed. He unzipped my pants and my cock sprung out like a rocket.
Before I knew it I was getting into position and sliding inside him. We made intense, passionate love for what felt like forever. I pounded away at him and we both moaned with intense, mind-blowing pleasure. We went hard and my orgasm hit me like a lightning bolt of pleasure. In the moment it felt like an eternity and then when it was over I felt like it was over in an instant and I wished it had lasted longer. I held him in my arms as we fell asleep and our alarm rang at 5:00.
We headed over to the house to pick Sam up and took a cab to the airport. I took the window seat while Sam got the aisle and Matt sat next to me in the middle. As we took off for Dallas I watched the scenery go by out the window and found that I was actually enjoying the flight. We landed about 20 minutes early and we shared a meal before boarding our connecting flight to Sacramento. We got in at 1:15 and Sam dropped us off at home.
When we got inside we sat down on the couch and the whole situation felt incredulous. We stopped for a second to take in everything that had happened in the last few days and finally Matt broke the silence.
"We better start getting the house ready."
Hey everyone, thanks for reading! Let me know what you think at AlexCenturyErotica@yahoo.com. I can't wait to hear what you think. Onto chapter 4!