Hey everybody, thanks for all the great emails you've sent. I have a new address now where you can send your ego boost. I mean, valuable contributions to the writing process- yeah, that's it. stolowid@onid.orst.edu
Sublimation- chapter 7
Nick leaned against the hallway outside Mr. Setan's 3rd period English class, waiting for the bell to ring and tumbling his thoughts around like a high-powered dryer. He glanced at his watch. 10:27. "Ughh" he groaned in impatience. Seth wouldn't be here for another few minutes.
He tried to think how he was going to approach the subject. He didn't want to end up sounding insane, but at the same time he had to assert that he knew what was going on. "And what makes you think that?" he was sure Seth would say. He had to have a good answer, but the problem was Nick didn't really understand how he knew himself.
Ever since he was little, he had known things he shouldn't have about people he met. Their loves, their hates, their experiences, even what their close futures held. He had had "imaginary friends" for much longer than most children, until the kids at school began to make fun of him and he ignored them in self-defense. It didn't make their voices disappear though. His parents had been absent so often they really didn't know about it. He never really understood how he knew. He once asked a popular science teacher of his about how intuition works. The teacher had said that man had evolved various instincts for life cycles such as hunting and procreation. When Nick pressed further and used the word "psychic" it deteriorated into a joke. The teacher laughed at him for a good 2 minutes and then proceeded to lecture him on how all psychics were sad fakes and how S.C.I.C.O.P. was going to rid the world of them and the rest of the despicable "spiritualists" and their lies. Nick remembered how horribly stupid he had felt when the teacher, noticing his reaction, recommended a psychiatrist to him.
The ring of the bell brought Nick back to the present. He waited for a moment before Seth rounded the corner for the class.
"Hey Nick. What's happening?" he asked with a smile.
How was he going to do this? Maybe he should just do it Andy style- haul his ass outside and put some fear into the boy. But he wouldn't- despite how long he'd been Andy's friend, he'd never really picked up on the bully tactics.
"Let's go grab some pop and then we'll find a place to chat"
"That sounds great Nick, but I don't know if I could do that and still get to Satan's class on time"
"Well, as you'll be skipping class, that won't be such a problem now will it?" he spoke sternly.
Seth looked at him as if he were being mischievous. Then, Nick watched as his face turned pale and contracted. It was if someone had painted the words "Oh shit" on his lips. "Guess he's not as naive as he seems" Nick thought to himself.
They walked in silence to the vending machines. Nick offered up 2 dollars to the greedy slot and asked Seth for what seemed like his last request.
"Iced tea" Seth decided. He tried to avoid caffeine and the other soda options were pure sugar.
Nick punched the Lipton button twice and grabbed the bottles out of their landing pad, handing one to Seth. They walked outside and sat down on an old bench beneath a pair of trees that intertwined to appear as a ladder. They looked out for a few moments in silence at the sunlit valley below the school.
"Want to hear a story?" Nick asked, his personality drawing him back to casualty.
"Sure. I like stories" Seth replied.
"I don't particularly like this one," Nick mused, "it doesn't have a very happy ending."
Seth popped the lid off his bottle and sipped some of the iced tea. It too turned out to be saturated with sugar. "What ever happened to iced tea being bitter?" he thought to himself.
"See, there were these two kids" Nick began. "And they were the best buddies you could imagine. Known each other for years. Did everything together. Classic best friends, you know?" Seth nodded.
"Well, these two kids ended up hitting puberty, as all boys do. And they started having those discussions about the opposite sex with each other and their friends. Who's hot, who's not, what's the best feature of a woman's body, who's on the "to-do" list, etc. Typical guys, right?"
"Nope" Seth swayed his head.
Nick's eyes were distant as he continued. "Now one of these kids was a pretty unusual guy, because he was always honest; really believed lying was wrong. So when his friend started preaching the joy, he told him he didn't understand and he didn't have feelings like that. And the friend, he figures 'Well, I've just got a head start on the race then'. So a few years pass, and they're still having those conversations, and Honest Abe still doesn't feel anything for girls. And this really worries both of them, so friend B tries everything. Sneaks him porno, hooks him up with hotties- anything he can do to try to get his friend hot and horny for a woman."
"No luck I guess"
"Well, eventually, Honest Abe meets a guy. And he finds himself." Nick bit his lip "attracted. to him. And the other guy is attracted to Abe. And they. you know"
"I know"
"Now friend B, he has this really good intuition. Like Sherlock Holmes I guess- just deduces. And he gets really pissed at him, because he feels like Abe gave up on girls, and was doing something wrong and gross- like an easy way out of his problem. And they argue for days and things get worse. And finally, they even bust out almost fighting at a party with the classmates, and Sherlock yells at him "You can't be gay!"
Seth winced a little; he could almost feel Nick's pain and regret.
"So, the gossip spreads like wildfire, and the whole school finds out Honest Abe is gay, and they really give him shit for it. But Sherlock doesn't do anything about it because he's scared if he defends Abe they'll think he's gay too. So a couple weeks pass, and Abe tours the Inferno, and Sherlock doesn't do anything about it. Finally, it gets so bad that Abe has to transfer for his own safety, and only then does Sherlock the moron finally talk to him. And he gets what he deserves." Nick choked a little on the last words "He tells him. he. never wants. to see him again".
Seth could see the moment in his third eye. A swamp-green emotion wrapped around Nick and choked him from within. Its taste was horrible, and Seth closed his eyes at the intensity of it.
Nick noticed it. "Oh for Christ's sake, I don't want your fucking pity!"
"It's not my pity" Seth spoke quietly. "It's yours"
"Who the hell do you think you are?! How could you get upset over other people's shit you haven't even experienced!"
"Nick, I know you know... about me. But I know about you too. I know you have the Sight, and very strongly. I've developed it over years, but you were born with it. You of all people should know how it feels when emotion becomes like temperature."
Nick looked down at the ground. "I don't believe in that"
Now Seth was angry too. "Well if you don't believe in it, then what in the name of God is this all for?! Because if you don't buy it, then how would you know- that I'm gay?" Seth spoke the last words very quietly. Whether it was deliberately or out of habit he wasn't sure of.
Nick was flustered. "There's got to be a scientific explanation for it"
"Nick, it is rational! You know that. Science would show you it too, but nowadays, its become as institutionalized as the Catholic Church. We make Science out to be pure and holy because its such a pillar of our society, but it has its fanatics and fundamentalists too- people who say they believe in the pursuit of truth, but don't want to look at the universe as more than colliding hydrogen that will follow all their neat little rules."
Nick sighed. "I don't know. But Seth, this isn't about me, or you for that matter. This is about the hypocritical bully who beat up my best friend because I was too chicken-shit to stop him."
"Why was that?"
"Because I valued that bully's friendship just as much as I valued Sam's" Nick admitted slowly, as if ashamed.
Seth was not impressed. "And now you're best friends with a bully. Real moral character on your part"
"I wouldn't talk smart-ass. He's your friend too."
"What?" Seth paused as his mind put the puzzle together. Of course- why hadn't he seen it before?
"Andy"
"Damn straight- no, I guess not" Nick spat out a sick chuckle.
"This is about Andy? If that's the case, you should work it out with him"
"I can't, genius"
"Why not?"
Nick looked into his eyes. "Because Seth, you're the one he's in love with"
"Warm up everybody," Megan ordered, starting the class. "Goldfish style!"
The choir smiled and began alternating clapping and snapping. As childish as it was, this was one of their favorite warm-ups.
"Base!" Megan called.
"I like the fishes cause' they're soooo delicious. I like the fishes cause' they're soooo delicious."
"Baritone!"
"We like the fishes cause' they're soooo delicious." The 3 baritones- Andy, Jeff and Tyler, joined in with Steve the base. Andy sang with vigor and happiness. Choir had become a blessed relief for him from the stress of the rest of his schedule. Over the last couple of weeks, he had relaxed and found a group of friends in what he had thought to be the most unlikely place. Seth had guided him as he strived to find a niche in the class. Andy found to his amazement that once he began to be humble and friendly, the rest of the class began to look at him differently, and even forgive him some of his offences. Well, most of them anyway. Mark still avoided him, but Andy didn't mind. Maybe, someday far from now, with Seth's help, he'd find the strength to ask forgiveness. Seth. where was Seth? Andy looked at the tenor section and saw he was missing.
"Tenor!" Megan called. From the doorway, Seth's voice joined in to sing praise of the fishes with the other tenors as he entered. Megan waved her finger at him as she called for the altos. Andy felt better to see him arrived; but why was he late? Seth was never late to choir.
The class finished the warm up and Megan quieted them.
"Nice job everybody. 2nd sopranos, if you could, like, put away the fashion magazines, that would be, like, so cool!" The quartet of pretty blonde girls blushed and stuffed the magazines into their packs as the rest of the class laughed softly. They weren't offended though. Megan knew all the scale stereotypes and joked often about all the groups.
"Well, everybody, how far away is our concert?"
"3 days- write it down Anna!" the whole class replied. Anna had found most of her problem with forgetting things had disappeared after she had met Megan. She couldn't complain- her GPA was up by a whole point.
"Are we pumped?" Megan asked
"Yeah!" the class replied.
"I said ARE WE PUMPED?!"
"YEAH!"
Megan ran over and threw open the hallway door. "LET THE BAND KNOW HOW PUMPED WE ARE FOR THE CONCERT!"
"WE ARE INSANELY PUMPED FOR THE CONCERT! WHOOOO!!!" the class cheered loudly. Mr. Phillips, the band teacher, stuck his head out his door and glared at the choir room. "Crazy woman" he mumbled under his breath as he closed his door again.
"You guys are awesome!" Megan spoke to her class. "We've all practiced hard and mastered our material. As long as you keep that spirit in you, you'll do great! And be punctual of course- right Seth?"
"Yes mam" Seth replied timidly.
"Great! Now, I know your throats are probably fried after that cheering, but clear them out. We've got a little bit of work left to do on "Kyrie Elieson" before Saturday"
The class practiced for a few minutes in their scale groups, then combined together for the rest of the period to chisel their sound into something truly wonderful. The bell brought the music to a close, and the class packed up and headed out. Andy met Seth in the hallway as they always did after class. He seemed elsewhere as they walked to their locker.
"Man, I hope I don't look stupid up there. Gram told me the other night she's coming to the concert. Nick says he's gonna be there too."
"You have a wonderful voice and absolutely nothing to worry your mind about" Seth answered. They were silent for a minute in the falseness of the statement.
"I'm nervous. but I am excited too I guess" Andy told him. "You don't think I'll stick out a lot will I?"
"You will- but in a good way" Seth replied.
Andy pulled him in with one arm around his shoulders. "Buddy, we are gonna kick ass."
Seth smiled, but Andy could feel that his body was as tense as an oak in a windstorm.
"What's wrong Seth?"
"The more we try to hide, the more obvious we become" Seth thought to himself, remembering an old proverb. "I don't have to do anything about this. I can just appreciate his affection inside without vocalizing it and making it vanish. I could be happy with just his good friendship, couldn't I?" he thought to himself. He knew he would always be Andy's friend. But he also knew that there might be something wonderful and magical, hidden under all that ice. Somewhere past that narrow tunnel where courage itself became claustrophobic. Everything Seth knew, all the spiritual wisdom he had learned boiled down with a message. That everything divine required overcoming great odds to come upon it. He knew that eventually, he would have to confront the fact that Andy was in love with him- and that he was in love with Andy.
"Nothing's wrong Andy. Life is just never a piece of cake, you know?"
Andy knew when to press and when not to. "I know bud. Life can be shit and it can be strawberries. And usually, its both."
Seth looked at his friend, his love. "You now know a great and rare Truth."
Andy was becoming wise- that phoenix state where all your suffering became strength, and you discovered that all the horror of your past didn't have to drag you down, but could elevate you to a place where you could see distant worlds unknown to the common man, and touch Heaven itself with your own hands.
In the knowledge of what Andy had come upon, Seth was blessed with the one gift he needed the most. Hope.