This story is meant to follow the Student-Government-more-than-work-2 story. I would like to thank everyone for their responses and ideas about the first two stories. If you aren't allowed to read this, then don't. Be good. You are on the honor system. Send comments to anonymike21@hotmail.com flames will be ignored.
Time seemed to slow down at that moment. I couldn't think of a word to say to explain what had just happened. My mind was working at a frighteningly quick speed to think of some way to rationalize what I had just done and Jenny and Paul had seen. I watched in slow motion as each of Paul's eyebrows raised in a questioning, shocked expression. I looked back into Thierry's face. He had the most curious, knowing expression across his face, like a child who discovered where his Christmas presents were hidden. In my head I was running through the myriad of excuses, no, explanations for the situation. It was just a mistake. We both went to kiss eachother on the cheeks and ended up bumping like that. Would he believe that?
"We were just trying to uhh....and..and then..." I stuttered. The watery look in Paul's blue eyes told me that it was too late. There never was a chance for me to explain the situation after what they had just seen.
"Mike you have been busy haven't you! Wow, and all this time we didn't even know! You really can keep secrets can't you Mike?" Jenny asked enthusiastically as she turned to Paul for his take on the situation.
He didn't even respond. Well, he didn't say anything. With a hurt look and a huff he turned and began walking quickly away. I wanted to run to him right then and tell him how sorry I was, how stupid it was of me, how I would do anything to take back what he just saw, but I couldn't. Thierry was still holding my arm as I pulled away from him. I walked towards Paul, hoping that he would stop and give me a chance to do something, anything. But Jenny intercepted me.
"Mike, how long have you and Thierry well, been like this? Why didn't you tell me sooner, I wouldn't have flirted with him so much. I guess Paul needs some time to figure this out. But don't worry, you're his best friend and he's always been open-minded about these things. I'm sure he'll be ok. So tell me about" I interrupted her before she could finish.
"Listen Jenny, I should really talk to Paul. I just need to talk to him. I'll explain things later ok? And keep this quiet allright?" I told her. "Thierry, I'll talk to you later too" I said as I rushed towards the quad in pursuit of my beloved.
Paul was moving quickly, not that I can blame him after what he saw. I called to him but he kept walking. Running, I caught up to him and grabbed his shoulder to stop him. "Paul, let me explain. Thierry and I were jus...." I didn't realize what had happened as I fell back on the ground. I just felt a sharp pain and then a numbness in my upper cheek area. Paul stood over me, the sun shining down now on his blond hair. His eyes were unfamiliar to me now. They always seemed loving, sweet, mysterious, or just then sad, but now there was a new emotion, hate.
"How could you do this to me?! I trusted you, you were the most important person in this world to me! You! You! I don't ever want to talk to, no, see you again. Stay out of my life" he shouted as he stood over me. Having said that, he turned a walked away.
I remained sitting on the ground, finally realizing the truth of the situation. Paul had hit me, but more than that, I caused the end of our relationship. Some people had obviously seen what had just happened, including Jenny and Thierry. They rushed over to me where I sat motionless on the ground, crying inside but too proud to let it show.
"O my God Mike, are you allright?" Jenny questioned me seriously. It was the first time in a while I had heard that tone of genuine concern in her voice. "Why the hell did he do that? I'll go talk to him" but I grabbed her arm and wouldn't let her go.
"Jenny wait, he just needs some time like you said earlier. I shouldn't have forced him. He needs some time to deal, I think we all just need some time with this" I said as reassuringly as I could.
Thierry grabbed me from behind and lifted me off the ground. Great, how was I going to explain this to him? Was I about to hurt another great guy? He held me a bit too long to him as he stood me up. I couldn't do this now. This was all too much. It took every ounce off will I posessed to keep from breaking down right there, and I was determined not to let anyone see me cry.
"I'm going home. Yeah, I think I'm gonna call it a day. I'll talk to you, both, later ok?" I said as I walked away, not turning to face them lest they see the pain I was in. The physical pain I could handle, the emotional pain that came with the situation was new to me.
"Mike, maybe I should walk with you? We need to put ice on your face before it gets bigger and makes a bruise" Thierry said helpfully.
The last thing I needed was to be alone with an attractive French man who made a move on me. "No Thierry, just go home. I'll call you later. Jenny, I'll call later too. Just, just, forget this until I call and explain ok" saying this I walked away quickly.
My mind was blank, empty. I arrived at my apartment without even knowing it. I hope I didn't hit anyone on my way back, I wouldn't have even noticed in my state. I couldn't get his face out of my mind. His eyes, the anger. I couldn't remember him this way. No, he was always tender with me, loving, sweet, everything was precious between us. I wouldn't let my last memory of him drive the good memories from my mind. He loves me, I love him, that's all. That wasn't him. It didn't happen at all. None of it did. I laid back on my sofa, trying to watch some TV and lose myself therein. Why wasn't there ever anything worth watching on?! Damn these stupid talk shows, stupid soap operas, stupid infomercials! I went to my kitchen, grabbed my half bottle of vodka and the quarter carton left of OJ. A nice mixer would calm me down right? I sat around watching TV without actually seeing anything. My mind would not let go of my situation. Where did that OJ go? O well vodkas fine. Eventually I fell to sleep on my couch.
I woke up later that night for some quality vomiting. I don't remember the time, just the darkness as I stumbled my way to the bathroom. When I woke up the next morning, I was in no better shape. I skipped class that day. Physically I was in no condition. I looked in the mirror, I looked like shit. If the bags under my eyes and sallow complexion weren't enough, there was a big purple puffiness across my cheek that would certainly stand out. Damn it, why didn't I remember to ice it? How stupid can I be? How could I do this?! I got a few calls that day, but I couldn't answer the phone. Just a few messages on the machine, Thierry and Jenny a few times each. Someone came knocking on my door, it wasn't Paul though. I could tell by the knock so I didn't even bother answering. I finally called him, but nobody answered. I hate answering machines so just hung up and called back a half hour later. After the sixth time of not getting an answer I decided to leave a message; it was better than nothing.
"Paul, listen, we need to talk. Please just talk to me ok. I know it looks bad but you have to believe me, trust me, there's no reason to be upset about this. Its just a big misunderstanding. Please, don't shut me out. I'll be waiting at home. Call ok, allright, bye" I said as sincerely as I could.
I didn't go to classes the next day either. Waiting all evening as it turned into night the previous day for Paul to return my call left me exhausted. I just wanted to sit and wallow in self pity, in the mess I had created. I built up my resolve and gave Thierry a call. If anyone else deserved an explanation, he did.
"Hello" he answered.
"Hi Thierry, it's Mike."
"Mike, where are you? I tried calling but there was no answer and nobody answered your door yesterday" he sounded concerned.
"Listen Thierry, I'm ok. I just need to talk to you about the other day. Just let me talk ok. See, I think you are a great guy, but I can't do this with you. I mean, I really like hanging out with you and talking to you, but well, we can't, well, we can't be more than friends. Do you understand what I am trying to say?" I asked confusedly. Why was this so hard to say?
"Mike, its ok. I know. We can be friends. I would like that. You are in love with Paul" he said matteroffactly.
"What?! What do you mean Thierry? Paul's my best friend, we're friends. I mean, why would you think that?" I worried.
"I see how you look at him. I didn't see it before because I was only there with you both once in the cafe and I was interested in you. But now I can see it. He knows? Is that why he was angry at you?" Thierry asked.
"That's part of the reason" I lied. Well, it was part of the reason. Paul knew I was in love with him. Thierry didn't need to know that he felt the same back. "Well, I just wanted to call and explain things I guess, but it seems you already know everything. We'll hang out later this week ok? I just don't feel up to it today" and with that I excused myself.
Next I called Jenny. "Hi Jenny it's Mike" I said.
"Mike I tried calling you yesterday. Not answering your phone I guess huh? Well, so have you talked to Paul yet? I tried calling him yesterday but the dork wouldn't answer his phone either. You are both so stubborn sometimes. Did you talk to Thierry today?" she chirped.
"Listen Jenny, I haven't talked to Paul. I don't think we're gonna talk for a while you know? I mean, he's just not cool with this situation. I guess he's not who I thought he was. And anyway, Thierry and I are just friends. We talked and we prefer it that way so don't mention it around Paul ok? I mean, I don't want to remind him of it ok? Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow lunch right? Same bat place, same bat time?" I asked.
"Yeah, see you tomorrow then. Don't worry, everything will be cool tomorrow. You'll see" Jenny said trying to cheer me up.
The next day I was determined to get Paul back. I had to talk to him. I loved him, he loved me. Nothing could change that right? We couldn't let a stupid incident come between destiny. He would see, he'd understand. We were meant to be, there could be no other way. I had found my one, the other part of me, my completion and I wasn't going to let him go that easily. I dressed in his favorite outfit. Jenny and I sat waiting for him in the Quad. Finally we saw him. He walked directly to us. I'd forgotten how cute he was. His golden hair, deep blue eyes, confident stride, everything about him made me adore him more. Finally he stopped next to us.
"Hey Jenny, I can't do lunch today. Why don't we do lunch, you know the two of us? Call me later ok?" and with that he continued on his way. Not even a "Hi" or a nod or even a look in my direction. He completely ignored me, like I wasn't even there. I don't know if Jenny and Paul met for dinner. I didn't bother to ask.
The next day was the same. Paul came, Paul left, I didn't exist. Why couldn't he just talk to me? Look at me? Yell at me? Anything would have been better than to be completely nonexistent. Of all things, I hate being ignored. I hate when people don't acknowledge my presence or ideas. Having lived my life in the closet for so long, I was tired of being unnoticed, a secret. And finally the one person who had tapped into me, who knew everything, anything, who finally knew the real me, ceased to exist to me. He voluntarily removed himself from my life, and I was the only one left inside. Loneliness is a miserable feeling. It is especially painful when one knows the comfort of true love, only to have it slip from your grasp before you can hold it so deeply it could never leave. But I was too foolish, I held on too loosely, too foolishly, and the most precious thing to me slid through my fingers and out of my life.
Thierry was great to me. He was always there for me when I needed to talk to somebody the next few weeks. I hated this feeling. I felt so needy, so weak, so helpless, me, I felt like nothing. I began to let things go. It hadn't been that long, but already my professors and Grad students could tell that I was not together. My contribution to discussions was lacking, my mind seemed elsewhere, was I feeling ok; you can imagine all the questions and comments. I didn't need it. I would be ok, really. Something would fill the void in me, something. Sometimes I wished that Thierry was more to me. I wanted him to touch me, hold me, do anything to me just so that I could remember what it was like to be with someone special. But he was a gentleman, damn. It was better this way though.
I saw Paul regularly. I knew his schedule, knew where he was, what he was doing, who he was with. Maybe I was stalking him, I don't know. He had to notice me, he had to, but if he did he never said. He grew a goatee. I hated it. He knew I hated facial hair, especially on his boyishly cute face. He started hanging around new people too. He still hung around Jenny, just never when I was around I guess. Then one I day I broke. I saw my love, Paul, with the slut. The very same girl who he was with that night at our first party together. What the hell was he doing? He wasn't straight so why did he have his arm around her? Why is her hand so close to his ass? That's my ass! Then it happened, he finally noticed me. I saw him look up, focus those now-unfamiliar eyes on me as he leaned over and kissed her. It wasn't just a kiss, a peck, it was a lingering kiss. One that even I felt watching. It burned, hurt, numbed my soul.
I guess you can say I was down. Ok, so maybe I was fighting depression. Well, there was no fight really. I had nothing left to fight for. Everything was pointless, nothing made sense, somebody had left me like this. Jenny and Thierry were great to me. They kept my spirits up or at least tried to. But only I could get through this and I was going to do it alone. Paul had made his choice, he was going on with his life. Personally I found it completely ludicrous that he thought he could suddenly be straight, but if that made him happy then I had no right to fight him. Then one day I realized the truth. The same truth I learned when dealing with my sexuality as a teenager in high-school. No matter what happens, I will always remain. And as long as I am true to myself, then that's at least one person I can count on so I'll never be alone. I decided that I had made it this far in my life, I was not about to shatter because of one person. Nothing, nobody, never would I let something so completely destroy me beyond recovery. I will always remain. I guess its a preservation mechanism, but unknowingly I developed a shell. Ok, so I didn't mutate or anything, I meant an emotional shell. I was never completely open with anyone besides Paul anyway, but Jenny and Thierry noticed. One day I was an emotional mess and the next I was completely cured. Jenny couldn't understand the change.
"Ok, so who is it?" she pried.
"What are you talking about?" I beamed.
"You met somebody. Why else would you be in such a good mood? Does Thierry know? Is he cool with this? I don't want another friend to be upset." she said.
"Listen Jenny, I have no idea what you are getting at. Serious. I didn't meet anyone, I just needed some time and well, I got it so now I'm all better, ok?" I replied shortly.
"Hmpf, ok so what kind of drugs are you on? Don't you remember your Sesame Street? Share with your friends" she kidded me.
"I am not on anything, I just feel better, that's all. Nothings changed. Paul still won't talk to me, I'm over it. The end." I commented.
"Ok, well, does this mean we are allowed to mention his name around you now? Not that we have been avoiding the subject all along or anything. Well anyway, I can't stand his new girlfriend. She thinks she's all that. I heard that she's done half the soccer team! But don't tell Paul I said that!" she said without thinking.
I just smirked, knowing that there was no chance of me telling him since he wouldn't say a word to me. "I don't know. If he's happy with her whatever. I don't care" I answered.
The next week went by as normal. I saw less and less of Jenny though. She was spending more time with Paul, she told me off hand one day. I didn't care though. It wasn't right of me to expect her to stop being his friend. The funny thing was that I didn't see him around campus later that week. Normally I would see him in the quad with the little slut girlfriend of his, not that I was consciously looking for him. Finally I asked Jenny.
"Hey Jenny, where's Paul been? I haven't seen him around the last few days. That little skank keeping him busy or something?" I nosily asked.
"Oh no, you didn't hear? They broke up two days ago. Paul's been sorta sick and well, she's not very sympathetic. She found some other guy to party with." Jenny clued me in.
Firstly, I couldn't believe that Paul, a beautiful Adonis, was dumped by some tramp. I almost felt sad for him. "What's wrong with him?"
"He's got the flu pretty bad. I guess he should have gotten his vaccine when we got ours. I guess he's regretting it now. Anyway, I usually bring him lunch and dinner cause he's stuck up in his room. I don't know why I bother though cause he can never keep anything from the cafeteria down" she said. "I was supposed to go home this weekend cause some friends from high-school are gonna be home this weekend too, but well, I'm stuck taking care of his butt. He's lucky to have a great friend like me" she said modestly.
"Well, if you want I can bring him his food. I mean, its no big deal for me cause I'll be here all weekend." I said.
"Um, no, I think I'll just stick around and do it. I mean, well, he's not exactly been knocking down your door wanting to see you, you know." Jenny commented.
"Jenny go home. I'll just knock on his door and leave the food in front of the door. Besides, what's he gonna do, chase me away with a broom?" I faked a laugh.
"Well, ok, that sounds like it would work. Thanks." Jenny answered.
The next afternoon I brought a thermos of chicken soup. Ok, so it wasn't home made unless my name is Cambells, but well, it was better than cafeteria food. I intended to just knock and leave it by the doorstep like I'd said. He didn't want to see me, I didn't want to upset him, but when I heard his voice for the first time in weeks address me, my mind changed.
"Come in" Paul said weakly.
Maybe it would have been more polite to leave the food by the door. I knew he expected Jenny but I took it as my invitation to enter. I saw him lying flat in his bed, his head turned towards the door. He didn't even react when he saw me, well, at least no visible reaction. He looked pale, unhealthy, not the Paul I remembered. What happened to the vibrant young lover of mine? The flu couldn't have done this alone. Maybe he was still dealing with being dumped. That was it, I assumed. His eyes stared blankly at me for a minute before he turned his head away from me without a word.
"Where's Jenny?" was all he said.
"She's out of town for the weekend, I'll be bringing by your food if that's ok." I curtly replied. I wanted to be equally cold to him, to show that I could be as uncaring as he. So far it was working. My shell was intact, no emotion, nothing would show.
"Just leave it. Don't worry about coming by again, I can take care of myself." he told me over his shoulder. Why wouldn't he face me? Didn't I deserve a face to face conversation at the least?
Immediately I went on guard "Don't be stupid. You look like you're on your deathbed as it is. Here, its chicken soup. The kind with the stars, your favorite. Eat it if you want to get better." I took out the thermos and poured some soup in a bowl. "Here it's still hot. Why are you so stubborn? Just eat the stupid soup!" I said setting it down on his nightstand. We both stood our ground. I wasn't going to leave until he ate the soup but he wasn't moving to eat it.
"Fine, be a baby. It's your body, you wanna be sick, I don't care anymore" I said.
"Like you ever did" Paul commented.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I responded. "Nevermind, I told Jenny I'd bring you food and there it is so eat it."
"I don't want anything from you! Just leave now or else!" he shouted.
"What? When did you get to be such an ungrateful asshole? What are you gonna do, hit me?" he flinched at that comment "Fine then, if you wanna stay sick, that's fine by me. I'll just take the soup and leave. Satisfied?" I angrily said.
"Why did you even come here? Just to be cold? Remind me of old times and depress me while I'm down? Throw some salt in my wounds? Is this revenge for you? Ha ha his girl left him and now he's all alone, sick in bed. You don't give a damn about anyone but yourself anyway, just leave" he turned away.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean? We meant something. I loved you, I would have given anything for you. You're the one who left me remember? I didn't go anywhere. I waited for you, thought you would realize what we meant, what I thought we meant to eachother. You didn't even give me a chance. I loved you, at the least I deserved that. But you shut me out of your life, not the other way around. You're the asshole here, not me. I didn't stop caring just because you ignored me. I wanted to help you, but you never let me near. So don't blame me now if I'm not gonna jump at your every wish. I came here to help an old friend because my best friend asked me to. That's all. Eat your soup, and I'll leave. After this weekend you can go back on with your life like you have been, ignoring me. So just eat your soup so I can leave." I said coldly.
"But I can't to eat the soup" he said softly.
"Paul, what is it? What's wrong with it? I made the soup the same as always. Why can't you eat the fucking soup?!" I said very frustratedly.
"because then you'll leave" he turned and looked at me this time.
"Why the hel...what?" the realization of what he had said hit me. "What are you talking about? You want me to stay?" I asked, completely puzzled.
"Don't leave me Mike, I don't wanna be alone anymore" Paul said with his eyes on the floor. Eventually he looked into my eyes and I could see that he was brimming with unshed tears. Why were we both so stubborn, afraid to give in first? The shell I had built was not going to give. I wanted to hold him, touch him, comfort him, kiss him, but the fear of being hurt again kept me away. "Mike, please, I still...care, for you" he pleaded with me.
I still couldn't break my shell even though I knew I should. I should have said something, something sweet, something tender, something to make him smile again. But I just stood there staring into him. Would he hurt me again? Was it worth it? Could we be good again? His eyes pleaded with me, I forgot how expressive and cute he could be. Then I remembered what someone had once told me: if you don't give love a chance, you'll never get a chance to experience it. To reap rewards you have to take risks. Logic told me that I shouldn't, he was deliriously sick, he didn't mean what he was saying, but my heart won over my mind. I inched forward and reached for his hand. We just stood staring into eachother for several minutes. There was nothing sexual about it, just re-uniting love pure and simple.
I sat next to his bed helping him eat the soup. He probably could have done it himself, but he only had use of one hand with me holding the other. I stayed with him the whole night. He fell asleep in bed with me watching over him as we watched some late shows silently together. I sat leaning against his bed and woke up slumped over a pillow in the morning. I was up before him, I guess he needed to sleep more being so sick. I went to the cafeteria to pick up some breakfast for the both of us. Maybe there was something edible afterall. Finding some cereals and juice, I returned to his room. He was up waiting for me.
"I was wondering when you'd be back" he said with a slight smile.
"I told you I'd be back. I'm like your own personal flu. You think you're rid of me but I keep coming back" I said as I brought him the food. "How are you feeling?"
"A lot better. I'm pretty hungry. What do we have here?" he inquired.
"Cereals and juice. You're call, you want Apple Jacks, Cocoa Puffs, Corn Flakes or Froot Loops?" I asked. He had the Cocoa Puffs while I settled down with a bowl of Apple Jacks. We sat around watching morning cartoons on TV with our cereal. For serious students we sure were easily entertained.
"O shoot" Paul suddenly said.
"What's wrong?" I began to worry.
"I spilled my juice" he said with a cute frown. He had spilled his juice down his shirt while lying in bed.
"O well, you needed to change those sheets anyway. And no offense, but spilling juice on you won't make you smell any worse. You're stink" I commented.
"Gee, that's nice. What a sweet boyfriend you are" Paul said before catching himself. We both just looked at eachother and then smiled in acceptance.
"Come on, let's get you a shower" I said pulling him out of bed and into the bathroom. Locking the other door I began to help him undress and get into the shower. Soon he was naked and standing in the tub showering. He wasn't embarrassed around me, I was meanwhile standing outside the tub trying to help. Then he got a grin across his face. Suddenly he angled the showerhead, soaking me. I leaned in to take control of the showerhead while he just giggled and continued getting me wet. "hey, you are the one needing the shower not me!" I laughed. Finally he let go of the showerhead and grabbed my head. I'd forgotten his kisses. Sick or no, there was a passion an energy in that kiss I'd long missed.
"There, now get in here and help me shower, but no monkey business ok kid?" Paul jokingly told me. I needed no encouragement. Soon I was washing his hair for him. Then I lathered up his shoulders, arms, chest, legs in soap. Finally I reached in front of him to help wash other areas. I gently tugged on him and soaped him up. "Uhh, Mike, how am I supposed to get clean if you keep being so dirty?" he coyly asked.
"Let me show you. You just need to lather the soap up really well" I said as I continued stroking him. By now I was getting hard and rested between his smooth cheeks. He leaned back into me and our tongues danced together over his shoulder. We continued kissing for several minutes as I continued working his body with my hands. Soon I could feel his chest rising and falling quickly, he was obviously worked up. With a long moan he shot against the shower wall as I continued to pump him and rub against him. Then he turned around and kissed me deeply and moved his hands over my body before helping me achieve heights. He held his hands stroking me and allowing me to thrust into them. Soon it was too much and I released weeks of energy onto his stomach.
"Hey, we just washed that!" he said faking anger. I didn't mind at all helping him finish showering.
"And now for that stuff growing on your face..." I said pulling out the electric razor. Soon I'd have my dear sweet Paul back.
___________________________________________________________________ Ok, so I hope you enjoyed that. Sorry it took a while for that part to come about. Again, there may be another part sometime in the future, allowing for replenishment of my creative juices in between.