This material is gay/bi/curious in nature (two guys). If it's illegal for you to read, then don't. Same applies if this sort of thing offends you.
Thanks to all those who have sent me comments and to a couple of you who are helping me through this more than you know!
I wrote the first part of this for an email response to Chris, who sent me an email at the right time to win himself a vent from me (thanks again Chris!) Just so the timeline is clear. I wrote the first part on 25th December (have edited a little). The second part was today (29th Dec).
Thanks for reading; I'd like to remind you all that this is real life. Mine! & Jakes!
Please keep the comments coming.
Gaverage
Things were strange for a few days after the other night. We have not spoken much about it. I told him I needed to talk to him. He has texted that he is fine and that everything is ok. He said that I shouldn't feel bad and that everything is good, that I shouldn't worry and that we would talk.
He had not stayed over since, but then again it is Christmas. I can feel That he thinks the night was a mistake. All I think I can do at this point is open up and be honest. That I don't want to lose him as a friend. If we can't "hook up" again, then I understand that, but don't want to lose him. That being said, I'm also gonna tell him that I'm up for a repeat any time he is. But that I won't mention it again unless he does.
I'm sure he is going to say it was a one time thing... fun or mistake, but one time only. It's going to kill me, but at least I will know. I can't go many more days without knowing where we stand.
Christmas Day was one of the worst days of my life. I am not a crying person... have not cried in about 5 years, that is, until that night. It all built up on me. I'm totally lost and just waiting for him to stay over so I can talk to him without any chance of interruption. Rampant paranoia is my closest ally and my head was messed up.
I'm going to be gutted when the inevitable happens and he tells me that it was a one time thing. But I hope that it will be some closure and that I can at least start to get over him and move on. I'm putting my whole personal life on hold because of him and have been for a while. I love him so much, more than I have ever felt about anyone. I need the closure to move on.
Don't get me wrong, I would love things to progress, but I'm sure in my heart they won't, I could be wrong, but I doubt it.
The one thing that is playing on my mind more than anything is the kissing. I really never expected that. All the time I spent dreaming about getting with Jake, it was just sex. Blowjobs and maybe him fucking me, but that was it... sex... stuff that would not make him gay/bi. After all, the common impression seems to be "every hole's a goal" or "a mouth is a mouth". But in reality, we kissed, and quite a few times, it was not just a few seconds one time in the heat of passion.... we kept going back for more. He never tried to move away when I went back to kiss him. Although I didn't feel like risking it after he shot his load.
The kissing thing is messing with me. Kissing a guy... for me, equals intimacy... something more than just sex or just a bit of fun. Not that I have ever done anything with a guy before Jake. Maybe its not the same for him, maybe kissing is just kissing, maybe it doesn't mean anything. That applies to kissing girls and I am the same, but I never thought it would apply to two guys in mine and Jake's situation.
Today: 29th December
Ok, so I have decided that paranoia and lowering of my own expectations is a talent for me. I had convinced myself of a set outcome for me and Jake and had planned our conversation as necessary.
On Saturday night (27th Dec) after he had been out for a couple of hours, Jake came back to stay as we had agreed. I didn't jump straight into the conversation as I was a bit nervous.
After a little while I started. I moved closer to him and put my arm around him as I do. I explained that I wanted to get some things off my chest and find out where we stand. I told him that I enjoyed the other night, but that I regretted the weirdness that had followed. He didn't seem to think the weirdness was as bad as I did, which I put down to my own paranoia again!! I made it clear that I didn't expect to become "boyfriends" - we both laughed at this. That I didn't want anything to ruin the friendship and that at most. what we did would be an extension to our friendship.
I told him that he knew about me being bi/curious and that there was no point in me denying that I enjoyed it. He moved so that we where lying down as normal and I was rubbing his chest and he was rubbing my arm. I told him that I just needed to know what he was feeling? Did he enjoy it? Does he regret it? Does he want it to happen again and if so can we just be normal after it and be "friends with benefits"?
I'm not going to write the entire conversation because I can't remember it all.. (ok I remember every word, I just cant be bothered to drone on and bore you!)
Basically he admitted that I now know something about him. That he was a bit curious and that he had thought for a while that something might happen between him and a guy.. He just didn't expect it would be me.
He said that he felt guilty about his girlfriend but moved on pretty quickly. was happy to let him (I know I should think of Karma.. but I'm pretty sure karma owes me one!). He said that he had thought about the first night we grew closer. the night we slept in the same bed and he moved my hand to his cock.
He also said that he thought of doing more the first time we got serious. He went on to say that he wanted it to happen again, but it had to be random and "un-planned" or it would seem too weird/gay. We agreed to keep things normal and if ever in the mood, he should move my hand to his groin during one of our normal massage sessions.
At around this point of the conversation he took hold of my hand and put it on his groin. rock. Before I had a chance to rub for a bit he was grabbing my hand again and stuffing it down his bottom/boxers. He then kicked off the blanket and pulled out his cock and smiled at how hard he was.
I was tossing him and he is a moaner. I keep having to ask him if he is close.. I don't want him to cum quickly!!! He says he's not so I keep going.
We keep talking and I mention that the kissing was something that I felt was special between us, that it was not just fun, but that it felt like real closeness. He agreed and we then kissed for a while.
After making out and tossing him for 15/20 minutes, I moved and started to suck his cock. As before he was enjoying it. We made eye contact more than once and I could see in his eyes that there was pleasure and that there was no doubt. he wanted this.
We tried a few new positions, him standing, which was easy for me! I then made my way up and we were standing and kissing for ages. I then pulled him down on top of me and we kissed some more, while "dry humping" (I still had my clothes on!)
Jake then started to feel my cock and squeeze it, he then pulled down my bottoms and boxers enough to be able to toss me off. I couldn't believe it. Wow!
He kept going lower. I stopped tossing him and was rubbing him all over. I was there enjoying the hand job.. Told him to slow down a couple of times or I would cum! He said "sorry mate" and adjusted his pace! I told him he didn't have to do anything he didn't want to, that I was happy with what was happening. He said he felt bad. told him not too.
He came very close to sucking me I think.. I'm not going to push him, if or when he is ready that's fine, but it will be on his terms. We started to "dry hump" again, but this time our cocks were rubbing together and sometimes his would go up the side between my balls my leg, he enjoyed that obviously. I angled to give him access to rub on my ass and he did, for a while he was grinding into my arse (no penetration).
We changed to our last position and we were both leaning back and my feet were either side of his head and the same for his either side of mine. Our cock and balls were together and I started to toss us both off. He was loving this and I started to rub my cock up and down his cock and balls. Then he yet again shocked me. He moved his hand down and grabbed my cock. He moved it so it was at his arse. what the fuck, thought that was a no fly zone. Well he started to push down and my cock was moving into his arse. It was not going into his hole (would not be that easy. I may not be the longest at bit under 7inchs, but I'm more than 6inchs in girth). We where there for a while and he kept pushing down until I felt my cock on his hole. At that point I looked to him and said "what are you doing mate?" he smiled and made light of it. He wanted it to happen, but I was not ready and I know for a fact that the timing was not right. It would have been the last time anything happened if we rushed in like that. Besides, I had never thought he would want me to fuck him, assumed it would be the other way round (hope we can do both!).
I leaned in and was deep throating him. He was very close and told me to keep going. When he came he was quite a way down my throat and although I didn't tell him, I couldn't help swallow a bit of his cum. Te rest went in a fosters can.
I then went back to his softening cock and sucked on it for another 5/10 minutes. I'm sorry to say it did not respond much!
That was it. Our second time and I am slowly getting a bit more each time.. And I'll be honest with you guys just like I was with Jake. I honestly don't mind it being mostly one-way. That may change, but for now I want to please him and let him get comfortable with him doing things to me.
Nothing happened last night and I doubt it will tonight. I will keep doing what we normally do. If he moves my hand to his cock. great. if not then I'll leave it. Eventually if nothing happens we might have another talk. But for now I'm waiting for round 3 like a dog waiting for a raw fillet steak!
Cheers
A happy (for now). Gaverage!