This story is fiction and isn't meant to imply anything about the real-life people it satirizes.
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Stifler'd By Natty Soltesz
What was it about that time, the summer of 2001? It felt like everything was all ahead of us, like nothing could go wrong.
This is Chris, by the way. Chris Klein. Remember me? American Pie? Election? I know I've been off the radar recently, but there was a time where it seemed like everybody knew who I was, where I looked forward to a whole career of playing the naïve, hunky jock with a heart of gold.
But it didn't work out that way. Somehow, in the years between those days in the early aughts and now, it all turned to crap.
But back then, that summer, it was all golden. And for some reason, one experience stands out. I'd never done anything like it before and I've never done anything like it since, but it happened, and I'm not ashamed to say that it was beautiful.
We'd wrapped up principle photography on American Pie 2 a few months earlier. I was preparing for a role on We Were Soldiers, my first period movie and my first "adult" part. On top of that, I'd gotten paid more from American Pie 2 than I'd ever been paid before.
I was meeting with my agent in New York City, going over a few of the hundreds of scripts that I was being asked to consider every month. My cell phone rang and it was Seann – Seann William Scott, that is, though you might know him as Stifler.
Funnily enough, back then a lot of us called him Stifler, too. He was so much like his on-screen persona that it was nearly impossible to tell where he ended and the character began. Seann didn't mind it either. I think he was proud.
"Hey, fuckface, how's it going?" he asked me.
"Hey, Seann. Not too bad," I said.
"Well dude, I'm about to make your day a whole lot better. Heard you were in town so I set up a little date for us. You ready for this?" I sighed. I really wasn't in the mood for Stifler antics.
"What is it..."
"Twins, dude. Sheila and Tonia. Can you fucking believe it!" He guffawed – I had to hold the phone away from my ear. My agent gave me a sideways look.
"Seann, I...man, I don't think I'm up for a date tonight..."
"I'm gonna pretend that I didn't just hear that."
"Man, I got this thing going on with Katie right now..." Katie Holmes and I had been dating for a few months at that point, and it was starting to feel serious.
"Katie? Really? Twins, dude. I can't believe I'm even having this conversation. Fine, be a disgrace to men everywhere."
"Aw, c'mon Seann, I mean, I don't know..."
"Just do me a favor: pull your panties out of your crack and get the fuck over here."
I figured I'd just hang out with Seann long enough to get him off my back. He opened the door to his apartment wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. Seann and I worked out together whenever we could and we were both in the best shape of our lives. He was thicker than me, but it worked on him. Me, I was lean and tight – all American.
"What up, fucker!" he said as we slapped palms. "For the love of god tell me you came to your senses on the way over here."
"Seann, I appreciate that you set it up but Katie..."
"Did you suddenly sprout a vagina where your dick used to be? These twins are fucking hot, man, and they want to fuck our brains out." I followed him into the kitchen where he pulled out a bottle of whiskey. "Here, do a shot."
"No thanks, it's kind of early in the day." Seann stopped. He sniffed at the air.
"What is that smell? Oh I know – it's pussy. And it's coming from your pants. Now shut the fuck up and do a shot with me." He handed one to me and I downed it. I felt it warming my stomach, then my whole body, making everything feel better. I set down my glass and held it toward him for another. Seann gave me a wink and started pouring.
"One of the main tenets of dudehood is that twins trump everything. It's like, sacred."
I took a deep breath. Seann handed me the shot, and I downed it. "When are we meeting them?"
"That's my man," Seann said, clapping me on the shoulder, fixing me with his jack-ass grin. "In two hours. Just enough time to grab a shower and a few more drinks."
Seann rarely talked about anything other than sex. He stripped off his shorts in preparation for his shower and was standing there, naked, when he got on the subject of the twins. He was talking about how the one had tits so firm they were like rocket ships, and he started chubbing up.
I'd seen Seann naked in the gym before, so I wasn't weirded out about that. But watching his thick dick get bigger – well, it was kinda strange. I wasn't embarrassed exactly, but I guess I couldn't hide my weirdness cause Seann looked down and acknowledged it.
"Gonna pop one off in the shower, may as well get started now," he said.
"Are you?"
"Damn right, bro – can't go out with a loaded gun." He put his hand on his hip. His cock was nice, I guess – he had a nice set of smooth nuts – and for some reason I started getting horny. I think it was the proximity effect – like how when somebody yawns, you yawn too. I started to get hard.
"Yeah, maybe I'll do the same when I take a shower," I said.
"Why wait, bro? I got some fucking awesome porn the other day – c'mere." He motioned for me to follow him down the hall. Seann had a real bubble butt. It was firm from working out, like mine, and it even sort of bounced as he walked, like his half-hard cock was bouncing on the other side of him. We went into his bedroom and he pulled a bag out from under his bed. He handed me a DVD: Shaved Asians 3.
"Those Asian chicks are fucking nasty, dude." He pointed out the DVD player. "Enjoy," he said with a wink. I heard the shower start as I popped in the DVD and sat back on his bed to watch. I remember feeling so horny, hornier than I'd felt in a while, but for some reason I didn't want to cum right away. I kept holding it off, knowing that Seann was going to be done soon but not really caring.
I heard the shower turn off and then Seann walked into the room. He was toweling off his hair and his cock still looked chubbed. My cock was fully hard but I hadn't taken it out of my pants, and I had the feeling he hadn't blown, either. "Still enjoying our friends from the Orient?" he said, plopping next to me on the bed. "Dude, look at your cock," he said, unabashedly staring at the rod in my jeans.
"What?" I said.
"Fuck, I knew it was big but I had no idea. That's a deadly fucking weapon."
"It's not that big," I said.
"The fuck it isn't. Take it out." I took it out. Seann's eyes were popping out of his head. "That's the fucking Empire State Building of cocks." He turned his attention to the porn. Soon we were both stroking. "Dude," he said, like he'd just remembered something. "Did I show what I picked up a few months ago?" He reached under his bed and, to my amazement, pulled out a translucent green dildo. "For Road Trip. I had to do that seen where my character gets fingered till he cums."
"Yeah, that was funny," I said, lamely.
"Well, I wanted to get the facial expression right. So I picked up this little beauty from the porno store."
"You...used it?"
"Came like a motherfucker, dude." He held it in one hand and stroked himself with the other. My cock was so hard. "Come to think of it, it's not much bigger than yours," he said, holding it next to my cock. I told my hand away and Seann grabbed it, holding my cock and his dildo next to one another in his hand. "Check it out, same size exactly."
"Wow," I said.
"Dude, you could just pump yourself off in my ass if you wanted."
"What?"
"Why not, right?" Seann had this eager look I was familiar with, the look he got when he had a really great idea. "You need to cum, so do I. You can just fuck me till we both cum."
"Really? I mean, that's kind of...serious."
"Serious? Dude, where is your sense of adventure? I'm offering up a prime piece of ass here – virgin ass, if you want to get technical. Talk about a sacred guy rule – nobody passes up fucking a virgin."
"You really want me to...fuck you in the ass?"
"Geez, man, how else can I say it?" he said. "Yeah, I want you to fuck me in the ass." He hopped up on all fours on the bed, spreading his ass out before me. "Just start with your fingers, it kinda hurts at first. There's some lube in the bag under the bed."
I couldn't believe it was happening, but at the same time I was unsurprised. Seann was really the type of guy who is up for anything. I figured I could at least slide a finger into him and see where it went. So I lubed one up and went for it. His hole was pink and clean and super tight. It went in really easy, and Seann was groaning, his cock still hard. He asked me to put a second finger in him, then a third, and his moans only got louder with each one.
"Alright bro, I'm ready."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah I'm sure. Just make sure your cock is really lubed up and slide it in slow. It's gonna be fucking sweet." I got behind him, lubed up my cock, and pointed it at his opened hole. I held on to his hips and watched as my fat cock head flattened against his anus, then popped inside. Seann whimpered a little "Oh, yeah." I slowly slid more of myself in him and he seemed fine, so I kept doing it.
"Okay, I'm all the way inside you," I said.
"So fuck. Go for it, bro." As weird as it was for me, once I got going it felt completely right. I backed out, watching my cock appear from his depths. Then I slid it back in, Seann grunting with pleasure as I was enveloped by his clean, smooth ass. It felt just about as good as anything I'd ever fucked.
"Jesus, Chris, you fuck like my grandma. Go to town on me, dude, what are you waiting for?" I did my best. I held him steady and rocked my hips, flexing my abs as I pumped his ass. I took a chance and slammed into him really hard and fast, and Seann moaned like a girl. So I kept doing that, harder and harder. I could hear his cock slapping against his stomach, I think he was just as hard as I was.
"That's it man, fuck my ass," Seann said, keeping up a constant stream of encouragement and demands. "Harder, make me feel it." I fucked him harder, harder than I'd ever fucked anyone, and Seann gave it right back to me. It felt like I could never fuck him hard or deep enough. I liked that. I liked it so much that I felt like I was going to cum, and I told him.
"Jesus, dude, it's only been a few minutes. Can't you make it last?" I tried slowing down. I fucked him real sweet, holding on to his body, sliding out of him slowly and shoving it back in. But it was no use. Within a few minutes I could feel myself losing it.
"I gotta cum, Seann. I'm cumming."
"Alright, bro, cum for me. Cum in my tight little ass." That's what I did. I rammed it into him deep and held on to him for dear life as I lost my load. Seann's hole tightened around my cock and I figured he was cumming, too. My mind entered some distant place or state, something like nirvana. I felt so connected to him at that moment, maybe closer than I'd ever felt to anybody.
When we were done I slid down on my side. I wanted to lie there like that, holding him, but Seann hopped up.
"Dude, we gotta meet those twins in less than an hour," he said, picking up his towel and using it to wipe the cum and lube from his ass. I watched him spray cologne on himself. I stared at the ceiling.
"That was amazing," I said. Seann raised an eyebrow.
"Don't go fagging out on me, Chris," he said.
"You didn't like it?" I said, sitting up.
"It was good enough, bro, but you gotta keep your eyes on the prize. Twins, bro. Twins."
He was so blasé, while I felt completely changed. And in a way, nothing was ever the same. I had a hard time being normal around Seann. When I'd try to talk about what happened he'd get uncomfortable and change the subject. He'd say I was acting like a chick, but I couldn't help it. What we'd shared had felt so real. I couldn't go back.
Somehow the image of those Towers falling a few months later clinched it in my mind. Everything had peaked, the golden age had passed us by without us even realizing it.
I started drinking more, for a while with Natasha Lyonne, who'd been in the American Pie movies too. But she started going off the rails and before I knew it I was, too. I got some DUI's, did a couple stints in rehab. I still get film roles but they're nothing like what I used to get offered.
I try to live in the present but sometimes I can't shake it, the memory of what it was like. I think about that summer, that afternoon with Seann, where everything seemed possible but nothing was what it seemed.