Steve and Mike

If your not 18 you shouldn't be reading this come back when you're old enough. This story contains sex between two males without the use of condoms. I

strongly urge any male out there having sex with anyone to use condoms. Being safe is the only way to play and live a healthy life without the fear of std's. Be smart. Be safe. If you enjoy this story let me know I am enjoying writing this and might continue with some more of this story and what happens between Mike and Steve. All rights belong to the author. Contact me at Aragon76@aol.com (mailto:Aragon76@aol.com) with comments thoughts and

suggestions you might have. Enjoy if nothing else! Thanks in advance to any and all replies they mean a lot to me and my writing ideas.

I was getting back to the routine of work. The first week was the worst I was tired as hell and my ass was dragging by the end of each day. My boss was ecstatic to see me walk through the doors that first day back but kept making me take a break about every hour and a half. After the third one I started to protest but to no avail. However, come the end of that first day I

was glad to sit in my car and drive home. I felt my eyes get drowsy twice on the way there and I was more than glad to pull into the driveway and walk up the stairs into the house and down the hallway to my bedroom. I laid down on the bed and fell asleep for two hours. My mother finally woke me up to make sure I had dinner. She grilled me the entire time I ate about how my day had gone and thought maybe I should only work a half day the next day considering how tired I was today. I assured her I'd think about it. And I did for about ten seconds after I was done talking to her that night.

But the days got better and I was not as tired at the end of the day and by the end of the third week I no longer needed a nap when I got home from work. No one talked about Steve no one asked how he was or if I had seen him. I wondered everyday how much they knew if they knew we weren't together anymore. I just assumed they did know. And the more no one talked about him the more I thought about him. I had decided that if anyone had to make a move it was him. He's the one that screwed it up for us it was him that had to make things right. Everyday that went by another piece of my heart was letting go. I was beginning to wonder how many pieces I had left to lose?

Our Friday lunches were always our busiest of the week from about eleven to one it's a nonstop barrage of people coming in and out, there's orders flying over the counters, tables being sat in, served, emptied and cleaned and the process starts all over again. It finally came to the point of being able to take a breath and sit for two minutes. I walked into our office to put the cash and receipts from lunch into the safe. With that done I turned to take a seat and on the desk sat two dozen long stem yellow roses. They were tied together with a white ribbon, held together by a card. I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled I had to pull myself together before I opened it to read the card. I had to smile in spite of myself I had just done exactly what he would have told me to. I slowly broke the seal and lifted out the card why was I having such a hard time getting myself to turn it over? I flipped it over and put it down on the desk and finally was able to look down. At least I was able to read the card. Love You Still - Steve. I forced myself not to cry and I didn't, but it took a lot of my will power not to. I got up and put the card in my pocket and as I walked out of the office I had a smile on my face the last time it was like this he was in my life, at least I know he still loved me and today a piece of my heart wasn't missing.

I wondered the rest of the day when and how they got there. I hadn't seen him and I'd have known him if I had seen him. He wasn't there but someone put them in the office he had to have had someone help him. I didn't know how to start asking or who. And even if it were someone that worked here would they tell me if I asked them. I wasn't sure how to handle this. And I had to ask myself should I wait for him to call me now or wait for some other sign from him? I thought I'd put the roses out on our front counter where they could be seen if he was looking or watching to see what I did with them he'd know that I didn't toss them in the trash. All I could do after that was watch out of the corner of my eye and wait. I had to stick to my guns and wait for him to contact me. My heart was beating a little bit faster wondering how long I'd have to wait. The rest of the day I spent looking out the front of the restaurant, scanning the people walking back and forth along the walkway. I never saw anyone or anything that made me look twice. Every one asked where the roses came from I just told them I wasn't sure I didn't see a card when I found them, I wasn't even sure if they were for me, but everyone just smiled at me and didn't say anything I don't think they believed me. I was just putting them out for everyone to enjoy so they wouldn't go to waste. My second piece of information came when I left work there was a card held down by the windshield wiper. I took it and sat down in the car. I wasn't sure if I was being watched or not so I decided not to open it there instead I drove off out of the parking lot and made it all the way home before I ripped open the envelope and removed the card from inside. It was all white and on the front near the bottom there was a picture of a frame and in it was photograph of a single rose done in black and white and kind of sitting at an angle and casting a long shadow. I opened it to see what the inside had to say there was nothing it was blank except for the handwriting it was Steve's. Just like the roses I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly at least I wasn't shaking while I read it. Mike - I see you got the roses I was happy to see you didn't throw them out. I still love you and want to see you. I hope you'll see me. If so leave this card on your dashboard tomorrow while you're at work. If you leave the card there I'll know to meet you at Ron's Place. I'll be there at six o'clock if you don't show I'll understand. It doesn't mean I'll give up. I Love You - Steve.

My stomach was turning by the time I finished reading it, but the smile on my face was a little bit bigger and another piece of my heart was back in place where it belonged. I was going to be on my guard tomorrow the minute I walked into Ron's Place.

Work took forever to end and more than once I had to fix mistakes with orders I had screwed up. Three of my coworkers asked me if I was okay more than once. I found my heart in my stomach more than once. More than a few times I was taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling. But my day finally ended and I was on my way to Ron's. I sat in the parking lot for almost twenty minutes before I went in. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't feel like throwing up. I really wasn't sure how this was going to play out. I promised myself over and over again that I'd keep my temper in check, and I wouldn't lose it. I just told myself that I'd count to five if I felt like my anger was going where it shouldn't.

I walked into the bar room and looked around and I saw him sitting back near the corner in one of the booths. We both looked at each other for a second and I started walking towards him as he got up and stood there waiting for me to get to the booth. I wasn't hurrying I was just walking carefully. As I passed the bar I saw Ron and waved to him he asked me if I wanted the usual or something else. The usual for me was a Long Island Iced Tea. Ron was the one that introduced me to them and I still haven't found any one that makes them as well as he did. I asked for a hot coffee this time. Having alcohol now I was sure wasn't a good idea maybe later when we were done talking. I proceeded to the booth and sat down he slide in across from me. He reached over and from the seat he pulled up a yellow rose and handed it to me, as I took it he held on to my hand for just a minute before he let go. Ron brought me my coffee and left I guess he sensed the tension between us. He was the one that started first and I had waited for him on purpose to start this conversation.

"I've missed you Michael."

"I've missed you just as much Steve."

"I'm glad to say that you're looking healthy what have the doctors been saying are you still getting a clean bill of health for your cancer?"

"All the tests have been coming back negative but there's still a long way to go as you know." He was playing with his hands and moving his glass back and forth we could both feel the uneasiness between us.

"Mike I'm sorry you had the accident that night we fought. I ran after you to try and stop you I knew you were too upset to be driving. I know that was my fault and I'll never forgive myself that it happened to you. If you hadn't been upset that night it never would have happened. I kept telling myself that I could have tried harder maybe if I had gotten in back of the car and stood there you wouldn't have been able to pull out from the parking space. I just wish that I had..."

"Steve I'm a big boy I could have stopped the car at anytime. Between the time I pulled out and the time of the accident. I knew I was having a hard

time driving that night. So it's water under the bridge. I made an error in judgment and you're right I shouldn't have left like I did, but we both know why."

"Yes you're right Mike and I'm sorry we fought, but I will never forgive myself for letting you leave that night. You have every right to hate me and every right to say the things you did. I earned every word of them. I was

all those things you called me and more names that you didn't say to me. I can sit here and tell you I'm sorry and no matter what or how or how many times I'd say it it's not going to be enough. I'll never ask for you to forgive me Mike I don't have the right to ask you that. It's up to you to decide if you ever want to forgive me. As I said I won't ever ask you to." He took a deep breath and exhaled and sighed at the same time. He wasn't done saying what he wanted to and I just sat there and waited for him to gather his thoughts to go on.

"I'm not going to go into detail about what went on between Randy and I if you ask I'll tell you otherwise I don't see any point in dredging up the

ugliness of that situation. It's not going to change any thing and it's just going to open wounds that need to heal for you and I. Mostly for you I want you to heal for yourself. I have to live with it for the rest of my life and I will never be able to forgive myself. I'll regret this to the day I die of that I'm certain. I've seen Randy since then and told him that what happened between him and I never should have happened and that I never want him to come near me again. I told him that it was up to him if he wanted to see you but I don't think he'll be calling you and I didn't threaten him to stay away from you. I just think that he did what he did because he was jealous of you and I. I don't think he's any less angry over the fact that he's gay. I think for whatever reason he can't accept it and he tries to make those of us that are happy and okay with it make us share in his unhappiness. He wants us to feel the same way he does just like he did when you guys were in high school. And I was the jerk that caved in to him when he came on to me like he did. You're right I could have stopped him I could have stopped it but I got weak when he played on my emotions and that doesn 't excuse it or make it any less wrong. I could have and should have kicked him in the ass and told him to get fucked. I did but only after it was to late the damage had been done. When I came in to see you after you hung up on me was when it happened and I looked like shit because I hadn't slept because of the guilt I was feeling." He put his head down and just looked into his drink. I wasn't sure if I should say anything to him yet or not. I wasn't sure if he was done saying what he had come here to say yet. I held off for a few more minutes I just wanted to give him time in case he wasn't done.

"I don't know what else to say anymore Mike. I've gone through this a hundred times in my head since you left that night. There isn't enough ways to

say I'm sorry so I'm at a point here where I don't know what to do. I guess it's up to you and whatever you decide if you walk away I'll understand that but I won't give up just yet because I still love you Babe. I still love you with all my heart. And I'm not willing to just walk away from what you and I had; it's still worth fighting for as far as I'm concerned. I'm not sure if you feel anywhere near that but that's how I feel and I'm just letting you know where I'm coming from."

I believed he meant every word he said to me. So now the ball was truly in my court and I had to think before I said anything to him. I wanted to sit there next to him and hold his hand. I wanted to be close enough to smell him. I wanted more than anything to just hold him and put my arms around him and tell him that I still loved him and always will. And yet I still hurt and I hadn't realized how much until now sitting here with him.

"I don't know what to say Steve you're right about a lot of thing you said. It's not that I can't forgive you but you shattered everything we had to pieces, but the biggest thing you broke was my trust in you. I trusted you completely with every fiber of my heart and soul I put my trust in you and you took away, in the blink of an eye. That's the hardest part for me. Maybe I can forgive you for making a mistake but how do I trust you again? Tell me that, tell me you know a way that I can trust you again. Just tell me that and I'll take you back right now, right here." I sat there and looked into his eyes and I reached out my hands to his and I held them as tight as I could. I just kept looking and I waited to hear him tell me something anything I just wanted him to have an answer. Even though I couldn't say it out loud I was begging with my eyes for him to talk but nothing was coming out of his mouth. And some of the pieces that had just come back were falling apart the longer he didn't speak. If I didn't leave I'd start crying there was nothing more for me to say or do. I held his hand and squeezed it three times to tell him as he had done to me so often I Love You. I got up from the table and left walking as fast as I could without looking back. I waved to Ron without looking at him and just made the door and got outside and I let a few tears fall but I wasn't going to let any more come out. I got to the car but I wasn't going to start it until I had myself under control and knew I could handle driving I wasn't going to make that mistake again.

I watched him come out of Ron's he was looking around the parking lot if it was for me I wasn't sure yet. But when he saw my car he stopped looking. The only problem now was that I wasn't ready to drive if he came over towards me. And he was he was coming towards my car because in looking around I hadn't seen his car in the parking lot. What was I going to do, how was I going to handle this I certainly wasn't ready to tell him to go away I just couldn't tell him to just go away. The closer he got the worse I felt in the pit of my stomach. He came over to the door and opened it, reached in, took my hand and started pulling me out and I didn't have what it took to fight him. I just got out just like he wanted me to. He looked into my eyes and didn't say anything he just pulled me into him and put his arms around me and held me tight and I hugged him back just as hard.

"I can't let you leave Mike I just can't not again. I don't know how to get you to trust me but with time its just going to take us time. But I'm not letting go this time I love you to much to do that." And I couldn't argue with him it felt to good to be wrapped in his arms again, it had been so long since I had felt this feeling. I put my head on his shoulder and had my face in his neck and I could smell him. It just made me feel so comfortable there; I had missed this so much. I wasn't crying and I wasn't going to right now. I still had to be strong for myself not for him but for me.

"Where do we go from her Steve what now? What is it that you want me to do?"

"Move back in with me, not into the bedroom but at least back into the house so we can work on us. I need time to show you that I still want you and I'm willing to do whatever I have to do to show you that you can trust me again. I know its going to take time I just thank if we're living together we can bridge the gap faster to building that trust back up than if we aren' t." I wasn't sure if that was such a good idea but his logic was there and so was his voice of reasoning the one that I had learned to trust the one that I counted on at times and now it was the way that was breaking through my guarded wall. If I stood here much longer I was going to say yes I already knew that in my heart. I just didn't want to crumble that easily I had to keep my focus as much as I could.

"I'm not so sure of that Steve you make it sound so convincing to me. But you know how to talk to me you know my strengths and weaknesses how do I know you're not doing that now? The point I'm making is that I'm always going to be questioning everything you do in the back of my mind."

"I know that and expect it but everyday that will go by a little piece of the trust I've broken with you will be rebuilt. I'm willing to give you all the time you need, whatever time that may be for you to learn to trust me

again. I just feel that it might happen quicker if we're in the same house and maybe I'm wrong maybe you'll see that it isn't what you want after all. You might end up deciding that it's just not worth it to you anymore and you'll walk away anyway." He made it sound so right he even realized that I could still back out and walk away from him, but could I really do that if I was living with him? Would I be able to walk away again if I thought it wasn't going to be what I expected or what I wanted? Another piece of my wall was breaking down. I pushed him away from me it was gently but I was able to push him away.

"If and this is a VERY big if I moved back into the house into my old bedroom could I trust you not to come into my room unless I said so? No matter what the reason you might have I'd have to know that you wouldn't under any circumstances cross that threshold?"

"I'll stay out of your room unless I ask you to go in there and you say yes. But yes I'll stay out of your room with question." And another piece of that resolve not to give in to him crumbled away. This was going to be a losing battle and I was the one that was going to be the loser. The question left in my head was would I win in the end if I did as he says now and move in to give him that chance on a much closer basis than trying t o build that trust when we wouldn't see each other giving me a greater opportunity to suspect his doing on his part. Maybe moving in would give me a greater ability to watch him and if I had to question him. Did I want to live like that always questioning his movements and his motives?

"Steve Let me ask you this how is you going to feel if I start questioning where you've been, who you have seen, what did you talk about? Are you really going to be able to handle me playing twenty one questions anytime I feel like that's what I need to do? Are you willing to put yourself under my microscope of your every action?"

"If that's what it's going to take to help get you back in my life then yes I'm willing to do that." He was just standing there looking at me I guess he was hoping I'd just say yes to his to his proposal. But I was still trying to hold to my resolve and not to crumble just because its what he wanted from me.

"I need time to think about this Steve you're going to have to give me some time to think this out. Part of me wants to say yes right now I won't lie to you; probably a greater part of me wants that. But that little piece of doubt that left is still pretty strong. So I'm not saying no but I'm not saying yes I just need time, will you give me that?" I felt good that I had stood my grounds I didn't give into that voice of soothing reasoning that he was using during this whole little talk.

"I'll give you whatever you ask of me Mike whatever it takes to work on you and I. If you want some more time I can live with that because at least I know that I have a chance with you. And for right now I'll take that." I guess I was a little surprised by this response I thought for sure he would go back to pushing the idea of living together. I know how strong his determination can be when he wants something. I was surprised and glad to see that he wasn't going to push the limits with me. Maybe what he was saying up to this point was how he really felt and meant.

"So you're still at the house with Gary I take it?"

"Yes its just him and I there's still a few months on the lease if its just him and I at the end of t he lease we won't renew it if you're there then the three of us would have to decide if we would stay or go." I thought to myself I had some time to think about what course of action I would take but for now I wasn't moving back in with him.

"I'll at least tell you that I'll keep that lease and its end coming in mind. But for now we'll have to work on us outside of that setting for now okay Steve?"

"I already told you that I would do whatever you wanted. Can I ask you to go out for a date with me? It doesn't have to be tomorrow I'll let you pick the day I'm just asking to take you out to start building our relationship and friendship back up again."

"Are you free on Sunday?"

"After I go to church I'll be free."

"Pick me up at the restaurant when you're done and we'll spend the rest of the day together how's that sound to you?'

"It sounds like music to my ears Michael, not to sound corny but it does. I'll plan something for us to do."

"Just as long as we don't go to the house Steve then its fine doing something together sounds good to me. But for right now I'm going to get going and I'll see you on Sunday around one okay?"

"I'll be there at one Mike just wait in case I'm a few minutes late but I will definitely be there to get you. Just one more thing before you leave. "

"What's that?"

"May I give you a kiss good bye? I promise to make it quick,"

"Yeah Steve you can do that." He leaned toward me and took my hands in his and gently kissed me on my cheek. And that was it he let go of my hands.

"All right Mike I'm going to go and I'll pick you up on Sunday. Drive safe Babe drive safe." He turned and left me there. I watched him walk across the parking lot towards the back of the building. I got back in my car and drove home. There was still a question in my mind that was nagging me and I had to figure out a way to get rid of it and I had to get it resolved before Sunday. I had to talk to Randy. I had to hear his side of the story. I knew I had his address on the envelope from the get-well card he had sent me. I knew I couldn't call him I had to do this face to face and it would be better if I just showed up unannounced I wanted to catch him off guard.

It took me a few days but I spent an hour or so each time I sat in my car up the street from his house. I was waiting to catch him either coming or going. I caught him on the third say coming out of his house. I walked up his driveway and yelled his name just before he got into his car. By the look on his face I could tell he was the last person on earth that he wanted to see. My resolve was to get straight to the point and get the information I wanted and leave.

"I'll bet you're a little surprised to see me aren't you Randy?"

"Uh Yea."

"Don't worry I won't be here long. I just came here to find out one thing and one thing only."

"What would that be?" I could tell by the tone of his voice that he had nothing but contempt for me. And it hit me at that moment that I didn't really give a fuck anymore what he thought. And before I asked him what I came here for I had other things to say.

"First of all Randy whatever your purpose was when you showed up that day in my room I no longer care about. Your lie's and your current demeanor tell me just what kind of pathetic loser you really are. It's no wonder you like to make other people miserable its because you don't have any kind of life for yourself to begin with. It's empty and shallow just like you. And that tells me that's just how you operate your life empty and void of any meaning and you'll always be like that and you'll never find any kind of happiness because you hate yourself that much. And it's the only reason I feel sorry for you because I know you won't ever find someone that could love you."

"So what's your fucking point asshole?"

"With you there is no point and that's just it for you there will never be one. The only thing I want to know is Randy is did he like it when you fucked him? Tell me what he said to you when you were screwing his ass." I knew Steve it just wasn't him. He loved sex with me but it was the one thing that Steve didn't want to do with me and I was okay with that. I knew from day one that Steve was the alpha and even before we had sex in all my fantasies he was never the one getting fucked. I had accepted that from the beginning.

"Oh you want to know how much he liked it when I fucked him is that it? He screamed like a little girl dickhead. Does that answer your question?" That was lie number one from him and it gave Steve some credibility to what he

had originally told me what had happened between the two of them.

"So you didn't give him a blow job, he said you begged him to give him one?"

"Oh yeas begged me to but when I tried he couldn't get it up I had to give up after a few minutes. He only got it up when I was fucking him. It was the only way I could get my rocks off with him, I had to do all the work for Christ sake." Now I know Steve had at least told me the truth about what happened between the two of them. At least I knew he had told the truth to me once the truth was out about the two of them.

"So Randy how'd you feel when he wouldn't let you finish that blow job he was supposed to be begging you for? How'd you feel when he told you it was a mistake and that it couldn't happen anymore and that he told you it was a mistake from the beginning that it was over before it really got started? I'll tell you how you felt you were so pissed off that you thought you'd get close to me and tell me yourself I don't know why you didn't tell me, you would have done to me what you didn't think you could in high school at that point. If you had told me that day in the hospital I would never have given Steve the time of day to talk to me. But for some reason you didn't because you were going to play some other game what I'm not sure and don't really fucking care either. I've heard what I needed to hear and what I came here for. Whatever else you say from this point forward won't make a difference I can't believe you anyway because you just lied to me a few minutes ago and I know it. Have a nice empty pathetic life Randy Crawford its what you deserve." I turned my back on him and walked down the driveway with a smile on my face. And just before I lost visual sight of him I turned back to him.

"Just to let you know Steve and I are back together again and thanks to you it's better than it was before. So thanks for helping us." I just had to

say something like that just to drive the knife in a little deeper. And it made me feel even better than before. I figured he deserved it; it was my payback from all that time in high school. I never saw or heard from Randy

Crawford again.

I drove home feeling good about what I had found out. It didn't make me happy that what Steve had done was true. But it was the fact that he didn't lie about the sex that didn't go on between them; he had stopped in the process. He realized his error and wanted to get out. I gave him credit for at least having the strength to push away someone who was giving him head and running out the door. I knew I was going to tell Steve that I had confronted Randy and the results of what I found out. I wouldn't have to wait long tomorrow was Sunday.

I arrived in the parking lot about fifteen minutes earlier than Steve and I had arranged but he was already there waiting for me. He got out of his car while I parked mine.

"Come on Babe we'll take my car. We're going to take a ride like you like to do and go someplace that I've picked out for us. Well you have to pick where but I have two places in mind but for now we don't have to worry about that."

"Okay sounds good to me, let me lock up my car and we'll go." He held the door open for me it was something he started doing for soon after we started sharing out bedroom. I never asked him to or teased him that he should just one day about two days after we moved into that room together he held doors open for me. I got in and there was a single yellow rose with a card and Babe was written on the card. I picked it up and opened it. Just like the first card the one with the black and white photo of single rose. On the inside he had written - A simple small step begins a new path for you and I to travel. Love You With All My Heart - Steve I was touched he had given this some thought I could tell I knew Steve wasn't a writer. Even if he copied it from somewhere else I didn't care. What it said was appropriate about us.

"Thank you I like what you wrote is says a lot to me."

"I'm glad you like it, I can't remember if its something I read or heard or if I really thought it up on my own. I don't think I copied I'm hoping I really thought it up. I wanted to give you something from my heart Mike I just wanted you to know that."

"Doesn't matter if you did or didn't what matters is that fits us perfectly right now and the spot we are in. So even if you copied it from someone, or remembered it from somewhere, for right now you knew what to say to me that would be nice and show me that it was heartfelt. Did you go to church today?"

"Yes with my folks."

"How are your mom and dad doing?"

"Good and they say hello and hope we work things out. I told Mom what happened. She told me to tell you that she misses her lost child. She told me to be patient with you and give you all the time and space that you need and ask for. She told me not to push you no matter much I might want to."

"Your mom always seems to know what to say and gives good advice when you need it."

"I didn't always think so growing up but as I get older I'm beginning to see how smart she really is."

"It's that way with mine. Steve I have something I want to tell you. I just want to clear this up and when we're done with this conversation it's the last we'll speak of it."

"Whatever you have to say go ahead I'm listening."

"Well I talked to Randy yesterday." I stopped there I wanted to see what his reaction would be. He didn't really do anything he just kept driving and looking at the road in front of him.

"Go ahead Mike keep talking."

"I found his house and confronted him. I know that at least I know you told me the truth about what happened between you two. So I'm glad that even though I was really mad when you told me it was nonetheless true. It doesn't

change anything really and I just wanted you to know what I did. I'm pretty sure after what I said to him that he'd never be bothering you or me again. And believe me I didn't threaten him from bodily harm at your hands or mine. And that's the last time I want to talk about this it's a closed subject as far as I'm concerned unless you'd like to say something about it first."

"Nope, I agree with you the subject is closed in my book."

"So where are we going again?"

"You have a choice either we can go to Hawk Mountain or to The Pagoda in Reading. It's up to you because I don't know what you can handle at this point with everything you've been through I'm not sure what you're capable of physically. It's not that cold out that's why I thought it would nice to go see them."

"It's a little much for me to tackle Hawk Mountain, to much walking on uneven ground. That's too much for me to handle with my leg yet. I think The Pagoda will be nicer and the ground there is smooth because of the walkways."

"The Pagoda it is." We drove a little while without saying anything, just listened to the radio. It was an overcast day but still had some sun shining through. And when the sun was out in full strength it felt really good.

"I'm glad you came today Mike. I've been looking forward to seeing you since we were at Ron's Place and talked. I miss seeing you on a day-to-day basis. The hardest times is when I'm home alone and just sit there and watch the TV, it gives me to much time to think of what I threw away by hurting you. If you ever give me the chance to be in your life again, I mean like we were I'll do everything in my power to make sure I never screw it up again. "

"That's nice to hear Steve it's a tough time for me to when I'm at home and don't have something to do. Maybe it will change some day and maybe we' ll be back together we just have to take it slow right now that all there is to it. Mind if I slide over and sit next to you?"

"Thought you'd never ask. I'd love that Mike can we hold hands like we use to?"

"Yea I can deal with that." I slide over next to him and took hold of his hand. I laid my head on his on his shoulder. It felt good to touch him again. How could it hurt so much to love him like this and not be able to be with him like I really want? I just wanted him to make love to me like he did before and hold me and calm my fears away. But I couldn't go there yet it was still to fresh in my heart and in my mind. It wasn't long before we got to The Pagoda. I always liked it here. The landscaped gardens no matter the seasons were always pristine and picture perfect. I marveled at the time and what it took to have mastered these gardens they were like a painted canvas in some places. The time is took to get all these stones so perfectly laid out and placed each in its own place and position. This is where I learned that the shapes and texture of these rocks were of importance in rock gardens. They didn't just throw them in there and throw some stones around them. It was a nice place to walk around holding hands and not talking but enjoying each other's company. There were very few people in the gardens today due to the weather. I was glad it made us feel like we had the place to ourselves. It was a place to contemplate things and let you heal on the inside.

"I really like this place I'm glad we came here today Steve. This place is much better than Hawk Mountain nicer place to reflect and think about things."

"You thinking about us today?"

"A little I guess."

"Just a little Mike? It was the only thing I was thinking about."

"Come to any conclusions?"

"I don't know if I'd call them conclusions."

"What would you call them Steve?"

"Maybe hope for us. A possible future with you and I being together again Mike."

"I won't lie to you Steve but so was I. I'm not sure when yet so don't ask. I'm thinking about it I'll say that much to you. And that's all I'm saying I'm just thinking."

"I can't ask for anymore that that right now."

"You really would wait for me no matter how long wouldn't you?"

"Yep, without question."

"Why?"

"Because I messed up with you Mike and I learned from my mistake and if waiting is what I have to do to get you back in my life than I'll wait, a week, a month, a year, it doesn't matter you're worth it to me and I know that. That's why I'll wait because I want that back again I'll never find anyone like you again and I know that. So yea I'll wait."

"A year huh? That's a long time to spend just waiting not knowing for su re about me."

"I told you once before about my willingness to take a chance on you. Well I'm willing to take that chance again."

"Why's that Steve?" He took my hand in his and pulled me towards him and looked directly into my eyes.

"Because I know something."

"What something would that be?"

"You still love Mike." I couldn't argue with him, he had me dead to rights. Like a deer looking into the headlights. I was unsure where to go from here after that declaration of his.

"You don't have to say anything Mike. But it's still in your eyes and you look at me and you think I'm not looking." Without warning he leaned in and kissed me, he put his arms around me and just held me. It was just a simple gentle kiss but a much more meaningful hug. I wasn't so sure I wanted to let go off him just yet.

"You think you're so smart don't you?"

"I've never been accused of being slow if you must know Babe."

"Always the smart ass at least you're consistent I'll say that for you."

"I can bee that again Mike the way you expect me to and the way you want me to."

"You think so?"

"No I don't think so I know so. I made a promise to myself if I was lucky enough to have you back in my life I'd never do anything that would hurt you again. You have to know it wasn't just you I hurt."

"Who else did you hurt?"

"Me, I let myself down I'm ashamed of myself for having done it. Maybe it doesn't sound like much but I've always worked at being a man that stood behind what he said. And this time I let myself down. I didn't stay with my beliefs and morels that I strive to keep for myself. That's another reason

I've been back to church to work at being me again. Because as much as I ask for your forgiveness I also have to forgive myself which at this point I haven't been able to. I'm not a god or superman and I know I'll make mistakes that at some point I have to forgive myself for. But for now I'm just taking it a little bit at a time." I was stunned by his revelation to say the least. It was heartfelt and sincere and it pulled at my heartstrings more than I realized at that moment.

"I'm .... I ...I'm not sure what to say after what you just said Steve."

"You don't have to say anything Mike. I didn't say it because I wanted you to respond to it. I just said it because that's how it is with me right now. I'm just telling you where I'm at with my life right now. I didn't say it to impress you or sway you to say you'll come back to the house that's

not what it was meant for. I was just telling well, you know I've already said it there's no sense it repeating myself."

"Come on let's walk some more and do some more talking." I took his hand and started walking on another pathway of the gardens.

"I'm not sue I can say where my life is right now Steve. I'm still holding my breath from one MRI to another. I hope that makes sense to you. Everything else I guess doesn't matter I haven't been to church lately. I'm not mad at God anymore I just don't feel like I can walk through those doors just yet. And more than anything I miss you every day you're not with me."

"There's a way to end that if you think you're ready Babe. All you have to do is say the word and I'll come pick you up and all your things and bring it back to the house. But I just want you to know I'm not pushing I'm just saying."

"Here's the question that keeps running through my head. What if I don't have the time I think I do? I could go for my next MRI test and they could say the party's over Big Boy get your things in order your time is short. And that just makes all of this that much harder for me. I wonder what if I don't have the time should I just move back in with you and make the most of the time I've got right now or do I think I've got time and don't rush this?"

"I can't answer that Mike and I can't tell you which way to let it play out, it's your life to live. I know at this point whatever you decide I'll always know that I had the love of a lifetime. If you're not in mine I'll never have another as good as the one I've had with you. No one will measure up to you and I know that I will always compare."

"I know there's no one that can tell me what to do or to think. I keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay and that I have a lifetime to do the things I want but there's this nagging feeling in the back of my head that says I don't. Not maybe it will be okay, maybe I'll be one of those that survive this, its just this feeling that keeps telling me I don't have much longer Steve." And it was the truth with all my optimism and up beat attitude; there was a voice that kept saying I wasn't going to make it. I tried not to listen to that little voice but it just never went away and it started getting louder about a month ago. Maybe my body was trying to tell me something I didn't want to hear I just wasn't sure anymore.

"I don't know what to say Mike. You've been through so much in the past six months and to stand here and look at you - you look like you do have a lifetime. I can't think of you not in my life. Not unless I look and see you

there for the long haul. Maybe I just never could accept that you weren't going to be okay. I guess maybe I still can't. I just know that I want you in my life however long that may be I just want you in my life Mike. That's all I know now right now its what drives me everyday. And I'll keep believing that with all my heart and soul until you tell me differently or if you' re not...."

"I believe you now shut up and hug me I need one bad right now." And I did every bone in my body every fiber of my being needed that hug from him. I

needed him I realized at that very moment that I needed him. I needed him in my life whatever was left of it I needed him. I hugged him with all my might and cried and I wasn't even sure, just why was I crying? But I let the tears fall and I just held on I wasn't going to let go of him. And I think he knew it. He didn't say anything and he made no move to let go he stood there with me waiting for me to make a move or to say something to him. I'm not sure how long we stood there like that I didn't care but finally I lifted my head from his shoulder and looked at him. He reached up and doing the best he could he tried to wipe the wetness from my face, and still he said nothing. I guess he was just giving me whatever time I needed to pull myself back together. Just as he always told me I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

"Do you feel better now?"

"I'm not even sure why I did that but I know one thing."

"What's that Babe?"

"Take us home."

"Home?"

"Yea our home Steve."

"You sure about this?"

"You want me to change my mind?"

"No No, its good I'm taking us home just like you asked Babe." A smile slowly spread across his face the one that made his eyes sparkle just the way I liked. He held the door open for me to get in the car. And when closed it I watched him in the side mirror as he walked to the back of the car and just before I lost sight of him I saw him jump in the air with his hand held high above him. His little leap of joy bought a smile to my face when he slide in next to me I thought his smile had gotten bigger.

`You aren't happy are you?'

"Why no not entirely."

"You could have fooled me I saw that little leap you took at the back of the car you know."

"Oh that, I thought I saw a snake it scared me." No matter what he was saying the smile wouldn't go away.

"It's all right Steve I liked it and it was nice to see the Steve I know and love. And yes you were right earlier I do still love you very much."

"I don't want to sound like a know it all, but I knew that." He leaned over and pulled me towards him by the back of my neck and kissed me hard for a minute.

"The road ahead still isn't totally clear but if I don't have a lifetime then I want whatever time I do have left with you in it."

"I'll take my chances that it's going to be a very long lifetime Michael. Because just as you said there's a nagging voice in your head that's telling you something there's a voice in mine that's saying we do have a lifetime and that's the one I chose to believe."

"I like that one."

"It's the one I want you to hang on to and believe. That nagging voice you have needs to go away starting now."

"You might need to remind me of that."

"Everyday if I have to Babe I'll do it everyday for you." He pulled out of the parking lot and I slide over next to him put my hand on his leg and stretched out across the seat for the road home. I let my head rest on his shoulder and reached for the volume on the radio and turned it up. I checked out the cassette and pushed it in and Stevie Nicks voice came on singing Landslide. It said a lot about us. We rode down the road and just enjoyed each other's company. Steve drove me to my house so I could pack a few suitcases and grab a few other things. I told my folks I was moving backing with Steve. I don't think they were very happy with my decision. My mother had gotten use to me being home I don't think she wanted me to move out regardless. I think my father hated it because he knew what Steve had done and he wasn't too happy with him. We left my house and picked up my car and went back to Ringold Street.

It was a strange feeling coming back here I hadn't been here since the night of the accident. My parents were the ones that came to get my things when I moved home to recuperate. My father insisted that I stay home when they

came to get everything I had here. Gary had helped them pack it up. My mother told me that Steve wasn't there the day they were. I remember thinking that it really didn't matter anyway I wouldn't have asked if he had anything to say if he had been there.

Steve took the suitcases and put them in my old room. All the furniture was still there because we had gone shopping at a Salvation Army Store when we originally moved in so I had left it here because I didn't need it at my parent's house.

"Steve this isn't going to work after all." I could see the disappointment on his face as it registered what I was saying. I could see the anguish thinking that I was going back home after all.

"Why do you say that Mike? I thought this is what you wanted?"

"No I meant it wouldn't work in this room it doesn't feel right this needs to go to your room. I belong there not here." The smile was back and I thought he was going to be the one that cried this time. But in an instant the smile was back and so was the sparkle in his eye.

"You gave me a hear attack Babe, don't do that again. Damn it that scared me. Are you sure you're ready to make that move I don't want to push you into this decision?"

"You haven't in fact you helped me make up my mind when you brought them in here. This is where we started and we aren't starting now we're moving forward that's only going to happen if I'm back in our room where we can work on us."

"I'm not going to argue. I'm going to take these and start unpacking your stuff."

"All right I've got to take a leak. Oh come on we'll just go to the bathroom in our room."

"Mike there's one thing I've got to tell you before you ...."

"STEPHEN ALAN CRAIGEN! What the fuck is this?" Before me was a war zone of destruction. Clothes were everywhere in the room, on the floor, hanging over the dresser, on and around the desk. The hamper was open and was over flowing with clothes. There were plates and cups on just about every open flat surface, along with papers and various pieces of trash. I was beyond stunned.

"Well you surprised me I didn't think you were coming I didn't think you were coming here or I would have had the room cleaned up for you."

"You mean to tell me Stephen Alan that you've been living like this?"

"Well it's just that I was kind of..."

"Steve I can't believe that you have been living like this. This is a mess." He looked at me with a face that reminded me of a kid that had been caught with his hands in the cookie jar red handed. He dropped the suitcases and started to scramble around the room picking up clothes.

"I'm going to pee, you keep your ass cleaning mister I'm not sleeping in here tonight until you have this cleaned up Buster Brown!"

"You can't e mad at me. I didn't know you were coming, that's not fair."

As he's running around picking up his clothes I'm in the bathroom surveying the mess in here as well.

"Stephen Alan have you even cleaned in here since I've been gone? And don 't hand me a line of your bullshit I can tell you know. He wasn't answering me I took that as a no.

"So you haven't cleaned in here! Strip the bed while you're cleaning up dirty clothes. And don't you dare shove this stuff in the hamper; number one

it won't all fit. Take it down stairs to the laundry room. I know you."

"Come on give me a break Babe."

"You want me sleeping in her with this room like this? Have you lost your mind?

"Yes to both questions."

"I believe you have lost your mind. You better get your butt in gear and on the way back up bring up the cleaning stuff. And so help me if you don't have any you're going to the store right now."

"Aw.....come on Mike you've got to be kidding? We can just put on some clean sheets and all the clothes will be in the laundry room."

"And you honestly think that will make it clean in here? Mr. Craigen I suggest you get your ass in gear. These two rooms are disgusting and there is no way in hell I'm sleeping in here with you I don't care if you get naked or not and stand there with a hard on trying to entice me in here. No sir this is not a dumping ground. You have plates, cups trash and good knows what I can't see. You have the slightest inkling that you might be getting sex tonight I would advise you to show me how badly you want it but getting this room clean. I'll help you but you better get moving."

"I have to go to the fucking store."

"Clothes first and I'll start laundry while you're gone. You only have to go to the corner store so I don't want to hear any whining about going to the store. It's two minutes down the street. And make sure you look to see what you need. I know you, you'll get to the store and start guessing and then you'll just get everything we normally use just to be on the safe side. That's wasting money and I'm not doing that and neither are you." He gave me this sheepish look as he continued to pick up his clothes. I reached the bed and started pulling it apart.

"Throw your clothes on the bed you can take it all down all at once. The downstairs didn't look this bad, have you been living in this room and just not doing any cleaning in here?"

"Well I just was letting it go. I was going to clean. I did..."

"Never mind go to the store I'll keep going so we can go to bed sometime before midnight. And when you get back bring the vacuum up with you."

"It's in the closet."

"Great place for it was it hiding from the dirt out here?"

"Oh funny you're real cut Babe."

"I'm not the one that forgot how to clean up."

"All right you've made your point I'm taking this pile down. Follow me and you can start the laundry while I go to the store."

"You take that down, I'll get a pile of dishes to bring down. I could belt you for letting this go like this. There's no reason for this bucko."

"MMmmm I like the sound of that."

"It won't be for any pleasure knucklehead and if you're not careful you won't be getting any of this ass if you don't get your ass moving to the store."

"I'm going I'm going already Jesus."

"Jesus wouldn't let Mary stay here either. GO!" He grabbed the pile of clothes and was out the door heading for the stairs. I picked up some plates and cups and took those down to the kitchen. I got into the laundry room and started the process of sorting and getting the first load into the washing machine. I find I have enough detergent for about three loads and he's about six or seven. I hear the front door open while I'm still sorting his laundry.

"I'm in here bone head you couldn't have gone to the store and back so quick. What did forget dickhead?"

"This is not bonehead or dickhead you shit for breath!" It was Gary and I could hear Eileen laughing in the background.

"Hey I'm in here sorting the idiots clothes!" Eileen was the first one to come in and see me. She threw her arms around me and gave me a hug.

"It's good to see you here Mike. We've missed you being here, are you back or are you just visiting?" Eileen was always direct and to the point and wasn't shy about asking in the least.

"I'm here to stay. But I'm on his ass at the moment about that damn room and how it looked when I walked in here."

"I take it you weren't happy to see it when you walked in?" Gary was the one questioning me now and I had to laugh because Gary was the total slob living at home. But since living here he was the one that always kept his room clean and always kept at the kitchen and guest bathroom.

"What the hell was his problem he never lived like this before?"

"You weren't here Mike, you weren't here for him he was always walking around with a long face whenever he walked out of that room it was just usually just to go to work. A couple of times I told him to clean himself up. He

didn't shave to go to work a couple of times and his boss sent him home to get cleaned up and then go back to work."

"Was he depressed that bad Gary?"

"Oh yea Eileen and I tried to avoid him he was miserable to talk to I'm glad you're back with us I'm sure he'll get back to being the usual old Steve we know." I realized how he felt I had felt the same way but I had someone to help me get by my depression. I had Charlie and we had fun. He helped me not think about Steve as much as I could have. I knew for sure now that he didn't have anyone after me to help him.

"Well I'm back and he's gone to the store to get cleaning stuff, I made him."

"That's why I thought he was home he must have taken your car because I didn't see yours only his."

"Well I chased him out of here yelling at him to get his ass in gear or I wouldn't be sleeping in our room tonight." Gary started laughing.

"You dog you threatened him with no sex the first night you're back? I had to smile I never expected Gary to say something like that. He was kind of

careful about how he worded things when it came to mine and Steve's relationship.

"Of course I used sex! Doesn't Eileen use it on you sometimes?" This time it was Eileen's turn to laugh. I knew I hit the nail on the head with that

line.

"I don't want to hear anymore of this conversation if you two boys are going to start that I'm going to the kitchen and start making dinner. Have you and Steve eaten or are you two going out or what?"

"No Eileen we hadn't had the chance to talk about it. I was derailed of thought when I walked into that bedroom. Tell you what wait till Steve gets back and maybe we can order out a pizza or something. That sound okay to you two? That way none of us have to cook and clean up will be easy?"

"I'm good with that idea Mike I didn't want to cook anyway so its perfect I just don't want pizza, how about Chinese for dinner?"

"You two put your order together and I'll ask Steve when he gets back and we'll order after that." And so I went about my cleaning and the two of them were off to the living room. It wasn't much longer and my lazy knight in shining armor was back with two bags of cleaning products and laundry soap.

"Did you do any clothes while I was not living here?"

"Well I did some when..."

"Never mind come over her to me Buster Brown." He looked like a schoolboy again caught for a second time with his fingers in the jar.

"First, we'll get this cleaned up in no time. Second I understand why you let it get this messy and I'm sorry I yelled even though I didn't really yell. I picked on you is more like it. And last and most important......" I paused just to let him hang for a minute.

"Come on Mike what just say it what ever it is just stop torturing me."

"I just want you to know that I Love You and if I ever see you not picking your shit and putting it where it belongs I'll kick your ass and cut off your dick!"

"Geez he tells me he loves me and that he'll cut off my dick if I forget to pick up something. I'm going to start wearing a chastity belt with a lock and key. You're a sick pervert I've told you that from the beginning. This is just another case in point."

"Shut up and kiss me and then go tell Gary and Eileen what you and I want for Chinese, we're ordering out so no one has to cook. But don't worry you 'll be busy cleaning while we wait for dinner to get here."

"You're such a slave driver Mike I don't know how I put up with you?"

"I do."

"Oh really so why do I put up with you?"

"Cuz you love me sweet cheeks!"

"Sweet Cheeks?"

"Oh that's it that's it that's your permanent nickname! From now on your Sweet Cheeks or Mr. Sweet Cheeks oh it perfect. Because of the cheeks on your face and those wonderful cheeks on your ass. Oh my God I love it! I was

laughing I knew that name would tease him anytime I used it. I could see that written all over his face.

"You're such a ball buster Mike."

"Make up your mind which is it Ball Buster or Slave Driver?"

` "I'll have to keep you guessing that's my job with you, keep you guessing. Now move Sweet Cheeks up the stairs with the cleaning stuff in your hands don't forget them."

"You're not taking anything?"

"I didn't make the mess. I'm helping clean it up but you're doing the grunt work. Carrying all this is the grunt work. Now shut your jaws in a closed position and put your Sweet Cheeks into motion. I love this! I really love this! Sweet Cheeks is just to good."

"I have a feeling I'm going to not like this new nickname of yours."

"On the contrary it's a term of endearment used only with the utmost respect, to be used only in private and closed quarters. I won't tell a soul. Well maybe your sister Laura she would absolutely get a kick out of the name."

"So help me Michael Wayne Mathews if you dare tell my sister I'll be the one cutting off your dick and there won't be any sex either."

"No shit Sherlock, that's what generally happens when you cut off a man' s dick. He's pretty much useless for sex after that."

"You think you're so damn smart don't you?"

"Got you didn't I?"

"I give up you're impossible absolutely impossible."

"But again I remind you that you still love me."

"I give up I can not win with you. Maybe I made a mistake."

"But you did win, I'm here aren't I?" I looked at him and smiled I pushed him to get him moving and I picked up the bag of cleaning stuff. I yelled

to Gary what to get us for dinner and I threw him my credit card and told him I'd buy dinner but they had to clean up. Steve and I worked at cleaning up while we waited for dinner and finished cleaning after we had dinner. The bedroom was back to what I considered normal. Steve accused me of being to clean and I reassured him that he wouldn't die living in the room in its current state. We both were laughing and enjoying the time together it had been a long time and without being said we both knew we had missed this. These were the moments that we both loved so much when we were together.

"I don't want to ruin our current mood but when's the next MRI Mike?"

"I have another week and a half before I see Dr. Grisales for the next one."

"I want to go with you if you'll let me."

"Of course you're coming you're the one that helped me get through those first few days and weeks Steve when I first found out. Why would you even think you weren't coming?"

"Let's just say there was a certain bump in the road and I'm still not sure if all the wheels are in their right places yet."

"The wheels in this case certainly are back where they belong so make sure you're off work that day. It seems that I'm totally exhausted after each one of these visits. And the closer each one gets to the one year mark the more emotional I am after he reads the MRI. The last time he read it, it took me almost twenty minutes to pull myself together. To say the least the tension from the time I get put into that damn tube until he gives me the reading is an eternity its like sitting in a courtroom waiting to hear the sentencing for a crime you didn't commit. Dr. Grisales becomes the judge and I 'm just waiting to hear if I get life or death. And it's a repeat every month. It's like a nightmare you're having and you try to stay awake long enough so that when you do go back to sleep you don't have the same nightmare. But I do I keep having the same nightmare and I just don't know when it going to end. At the same time I don't know if I want to."

"Well then I'll be with you every time that you have to go Michael. I won 't let you down and not be there. I'm sure that you're going to pass all these tests with flying colors. Remember I told you the voice in my head tells me that we have a lifetime to spend together. So just keep listening to me about that okay?"

"Do I have a choice about this?"

"No you don't because I know you will make it you just have to go back to knowing it like you use to."

"Yes sir Sweet Cheeks!" I had to lighten the conversation and using his new nickname was the best way I could think of.

"Just for that I'm going to tickle you and I'm not going to care if you piss your pants or not."

"No you're not there will none of that going on. So just get it out of your cute little head Steve."

"What no Sweet Cheeks this time? Afraid that you will pay for saying it?"

He was getting closer to me and I could tell by the gleam in his eye that he was going to do as he promised a few moments ago he was coming to tickle me. I tried running away from him but he caught me and put his arms around me and held onto me tightly. He tried getting into my neck to blow in it. He knew I couldn't stand when he did that. Remember getting a raspberry when you were a kid and your parents or an older sibling would hold you down and blow really hard on your stomach? That's what Steve would do in my neck and for me it had the same effect as if it were being done on my stomach. He did he successfully forced his face into the crook of my neck and was blowing into it. I was growing weaker from the laughter and he persisted in using it to his advantage. From the neck he began poking me in the sides, which is another highly sensitive ticklish spot on me. By this time I was a basket case and was laughing hysterically, my sides were beginning to hurt and I could feel the tears coming from my eyes. I couldn't even talk to beg him to stop. I only had one option of defense. I grabbed his crotch and held on without causing pain he started to slow down and I wasted no time in rubbing his crotch seductively. His resolve was almost gone he stopped what he was doing to me and just held on to me instead. I took the time to put my face in his neck and my mouth close to his ear. I just gently kissed him on his neck at first but I began to whisper to him while I continued to use my hand on him.

"You like this don't you Steve?"

"Yes."

"Should I keep going?"

"Oh yea please it's been so long."

"Should I go slow and take my time or do you want me to hurry and not torture you?"

"You decide Babe its up to you." I returned to just kissing his neck and shoulder and gently rubbed what was now his erection. I guided him to the bed and laid him down with myself beside him. We weren't rushing ourselves but slowly we laid there kissing each other passionately and with hunger and at times tenderly and softly. Our hands roamed each other's bodies from our heads and down our legs and around each other everywhere we could reach and touch. We exchanged positions from being on top to being pinned down and slowly we began to remove each other's clothing first a shirt, a sock, a t-shirt our pants and finally we removed our final bridge and we lost our underwear. We never hurried it was still slow and loving gentle and passionate the entire time.

In all that process we had avoided touching each other's cock. Without saying it we just strayed from touching that area. Finally I looked him in the eyes and reached down and slowly wrapped my fingers around his engorged cock. It was so hot in my hand and I held perfectly still as I held it. I squeezed it hard and then let go to travel down and cup his balls in my hand. I rolled them in my fingers gently and pulled them down not roughly but pulling with some strength enough to make him wince a little. I let go and just used my hand rub them to ease any discomfort that was left. He was moaning with pleasure and I was enjoying being the one that was giving him this pleasure.

"What do you want Steve? What do you want me to do for you? I'm here to do whatever you want me to."

"Oh My God Baby just being touched by you right now is so wonderful and turning me on so much."

"Roll over on your stomach for me and let me make you feel good some more. " He did as I told him and put his hands under his head and laid there for me. Slowly and gently I began to just run my hands everywhere that I could touch from his neck and down his back and over his ass and down his legs, slowly rubbing and at times barely touching his body at all just tracing my fingers along the contours of his bodily shape. I spread his legs and barely touched his balls, I got him to lift his hips so that I could reach under him and pull his penis back so that when he laid down his cock was pointing towards his feet. I leaned down and ran my tongue up and down his shaft but I didn't suck on it. I just made it wet with my tongue tracing its length. From there I ran my tongue up over his balls and towards his ass. I grabbed his flesh and spread him apart and drove my tongue directly into him. He was almost whimpering as I drilled him with the point of my tongue. He began to beg me to let him roll over he wanted me to suck his cock. I couldn' t give in to him yet I had to drive his desires further along. I ran my tongue up his back along the line of his spine kissing him and licking his body. The entire time I played with his ass and his balls. Gently and barely touching them. He was begging me to hold them to grab them. I dipped my finger in his pool of precum and brought it to his mouth for him to feed on. He was hungry. I was kissing his neck the way that he loved slightly biting him in between my kisses. I bit his ear and drove my tongue into it. He could lay there no longer just being docile. He wrapped his arms around me and rolled me over on the bed he was on top of me. He was more that hungry he was starving. He kissed me from my neck to my face and smashed his lips on mine forcing his tongue into my mouth dominating me.

He pushed my arms out to the side and kept them there by just keeping his weight on me. He ran his tongue over my chest and sucked my nipples into his mouth almost biting them but teasing me more. I was beginning to feel his saliva all over my neck it seemed like he was drooling as he continue to make love to me with his mouth. He rolled over again and at the same time he scooted up in the bed towards the headboard half sitting up and spreading his legs wide. He took his cock in his fist angrily and begged me to suck him. I got on my hands and knees and crawled in between his legs and dropped my head into his crotch. He grabbed the back of my head and shoved his cock towards my mouth as I lowered myself towards it. He now had my head in both of his hands and he was holding it with force as he fucked my mouth. I let my saliva coat his organ. I reached my one hand and grabbed his balls I held his balls like I was a cock ring around his sack. I used pressure from slight to hard. When I pulled them down he almost screamed but he bit his tongue and refrained.

I could feel his balls trying to pull themselves up to tell his body that he was getting ready to let go a volley of his semen. He wanted it desperately but I didn't want that I wanted that just as he had always given it to me. It wasn't going to be any different tonight. I pulled off his cock and let go of his balls. He bolted to an upright position when I let him go like that, he wasn't expecting it. I looked into his eyes and I could see the disappointment in him that I hadn't let him cum when he had been so close.

"Come here Studly, I need you to suck my cock for a few minutes I need you to get me ready for what I want. I want to give you what you want. You want to do that?

"Let's get in the shower and slow down for a minute or two what do you say?"

"You're being wicket but I'm ready to play if you are." He got off the bed first and pushed me back down when I attempted to follow him.

"Wait here until I come back and get you and no touching you cock at all."

He leaned down and kissed me. A few minutes later I heard the water running in the shower and soon after he came out to get me. He came over to the bed and pulled me up and we walked to the shower without saying anything and he opened the door for me and we walked in together. He placed me in between the two showerheads and rinsed me off and then he took the soap and began to wash me from my neck to my feet every inch of my body he was washing with his hands. And it felt wonderful he stroked my cock with his creamy soap lathered hands while his other hand washed my ass and he fingered me with his soapy fingers at one point the had three of his fingers in me, as he stroked my dick. I was having a hard time standing I held on to him as best as I could without falling down. He finally stopped and rinsed me off. He took the shampoo and with the short hair that I had he then washed my head. I was in heaven and was so hard I wanted to cum so bad but he forbid me to let me touch myself. When he finished he wanted me to wash him the same way. I was more than happy to. I started with his feet and while I was washing up his legs I would tease him by sucking on his dick for a few seconds at a time. I slowly made my way up his body and his neck. He was covered in a heavy lather the longer I washed him and stroked his cock with both hands. I made him fuck my fist. He held onto my shoulders for support and I put my hands together and let him drill his dick in and out of my fist he was working himself into a frenzy almost. I just simply opened my hands during a mid thrust towards me. He grasped my shoulders as best he could and then he wrapped his arms around me and began kissing me and humping me with soap covered body. I got us under the nozzles to rinse it all off. I washed his head as he had done mine. The shower was over and we got out and dried each other off. He had warmed the towels while we were in the shower. My body was on fire and needing release and was his.

We walked back into the bedroom and he put me in bed and covered me up and turned off all the lights but one next to the bed. When he got in he laid back on his pillow and pulled me to him and I put my head on his chest and he put his arm around me. I was almost trembling. I wanted him so badly by now. He ran his fingers back and forth and up and down my arms. I rubbed his stomach and chest and slowly got lower and lower towards his cock. He was rock hard when I pushed my hand down and wrapped my fingers around him. He moaned in pleasure I slowly stroked him and masturbated his cock. His precum was making it slick for me to keep stroking him. I began to kiss his nipples and suck on them. He held me close and tightly against him the more I stroked him and the more I used my mouth on his body. I got up and straddled his body I didn't want to wait anymore and I wanted to give him what I could see in his eyes he wanted. I lowered myself down on to his dick and reached down and put his cock at the entrance of my hungry hole. I wanted this I wanted him inside me more than anything. I felt the crown of his prick pop inside me it felt wonderful with him in there. I lowered myself some more until I could feel that he was all the way in me. I felt his head hit against my prostate and I felt like electricity had been turned on in my body. I started to rock back and forth letting his cock rub my prostate again and again. I was in heaven and kept rocking back and forth and side to side. I began to rise up and down and Steve began to push his cock in to me, as I would come back down towards him. He grabbed my cock and began to stroke it up and down. He played with my balls with his other hand. My senses were on overload this just felt so good I didn't want it to end. I slowed my up and down motions and just slowly fucked myself on his fucking cock. He stopped playing with my cock and reached up and pinched my nipples.

"Oh Steve this feels so good right now I don't want to stop this tonight. "

"Mike it's been so long I've missed being in you, you feel so good so tight."

"Let me get up on want to be on top on you." I got off of Steve and laid on my back. I spread my legs and pulled them up and against my chest. He lined his cock back up and slowly pushed himself into me. The thickness of his cock felt so good. He began to drill my ass with his cock.

"Yes Steve that's it just keep doing that to me. Don't cum yet. Go as long as you can I just don't want this to end tonight. I want you in me all night." He leaned down and kissed me passionately and slowly. He kissed my neck and I held him as he continued to drill me and make love to me. I could feel his urgency quicken as I held him. I could feel the sensation in my balls letting me know that I was close to orgasm. I urged him softly in his ear to keep up his pace like he was and I kept holding him as close to me as I could. He kept whispering in my ear that he loved me and that he didn't want to lose me again. He pace was getting quicker and harder and I couldn' t hold it any longer I felt it shoot from my balls and out the head of my cock it soaked my stomach and his as I emptied myself between us. Steve kept up his pace but I knew he was going to cum soon I could feel his body begin to tense and his muscles in his back grew taunt as I held them in my hands. I began to beg him to let go.

"Give it to me Steve empty it out. Cum in me. Cum hard in me. I want all of it in me. Come on Steve Please....." He gave a hard thrust and held perfectly still and I could feel this cock throb in my ass. And he just held still not moving but kissing me over and over. I held him to me and let him just relax and lay his weight against me. I kept telling him that I loved him over and over. I wasn't sure if he was crying or what but if he was sweating it was all in his face. As I held him I could feel a dampness that was more than just sweat and he was quiet, to quiet. I didn't say anything I just laid there and kept my hold on him and he didn't struggle to get up. He just let me hold him. We laid there like that for maybe ten or fifteen minutes. I didn't care. His cock had come out because he softened while he was still in me. I put my legs down and just kept him on top of me. Finally he rolled off of me to my side but he didn't' get up. He just stayed there with me and I held him still. I still wasn't sure if I should say anything or not. He wasn't moving and he was holding on tight it wasn't like him.

"Hey big man look at me." I took hold of his chin and brought his face up so that I could see him and could look in his eyes. I was right he had been crying not hard and for just a few moments but nonetheless he had cried.

"What's the matter? Are you okay?" He looked at me and just nodded his head to tell me that he was. This wasn't like him and it did concern me. I wanted to know what was eating at him. Something was that's for sure for him to have cried like that. Especially right after we had a wonderful tender round of sex like we had just had.

"Come on Steve tell me what's eating you, something is wrong. I know you don't want to tell me that you cried but you did. I know it's not the manly thing to do. But hell look at me. Okay maybe that's a bad example I'll admit I have a tendency to go overboard at times. But something got to you, just tell me what it is."

"I can't tell you yet."

"Why not?"

"Is it that bad that you can't tell me?"

"No it's just me. Oh I might as well just say it or you'll keep wondering. I just had this moment during all that lovemaking and I had a flash through my head that what if I did lose you what if you don't make it? And I'm sorry for bringing this up knowing its not really the time for it. But I can 't help it and I have never had a moment of doubt about you. But this time I did and I couldn't handle it if you don't make it Mike. It hasn't been long enough for us. It's not fair it's just not fucking fair to you. It's not fair for us and I guess maybe I feel like it's not fair to me either."

"You have every right to feel that way Steve. What do you think that I don 't realize that this has affected you to? Do you think that I feel I'm the

only one that has to deal with this fucking sucky ass problem? I've known from the beginning that it's you, my mother and father my sister and I'm not sure about my brother he has never come to see me but I'm not sure if it' s about the gay thing or he can't handle the fact that I have cancer and could die. It affects everyone around me, everyone that is part of my life that either loves me or has feelings for me. I'm not alone and neither are you and you have every right to cry and feel the way you do right now. I'm surprised you haven't felt like this before. Or maybe you have and you just played the part of oh.....I'll be strong for him and not let him know that I feel this certain way." I just looked at him and waited to see if he would say anything but he just was silent with me holding him.

"Is that what you've been feeling and thinking? Dont be afraid to say that you have its okay Steve, really it is."

"I guess I have been feeling like this for sometime now and you're right I haven't wanted to tell you. I did feel like I had to be strong for you and just keep up that positive front."

"Well don't think it hasn't helped because it has Steve it has believe me. Especially in the beginning."

"I didn't mean to cry just then but for some reason I just couldn't help it. It was the way you just kept telling me that you loved me over and over; and after all I've done to you."

"Hey come on now you can't keep beating yourself up for that. Remember its water under the bridge and from this point on we are going to keep moving forward. I don't want to hear anymore about the Randy thing, it's a done deal and it's over with. And in a couple of more days we'll hit the next bridge we have to cross and go on from there right?

"I guess you're right."

"No guessing I'm right, just know that I am."

"Who was the one that told me about the little voice and which one they were going to pay attention to?" I wanted him back to his way of thinking and being positive the way he had been I needed that Steve back. I was going to need his support on the next visit because I was worried about it more than usual this doctors visit coming up. I guess because it marked another month closer to the year mark. By the time the appointment time came up my nerves were about shot. I was short over everything and I think Steve knew it and it's why he didn't say anything or react in anyway. He was just letting everything slide. If I did make it out of this and I did pass that year mark and then maybe a few more I would have to remember to somehow thank him for being so patient with me during all of this and the way I have behaved with everyone.

We left that morning for the MRI early today was going to be a long day. For some reason the time in between the test and getting the results were going to be longer that usual. For some reason my appointment was almost four

hours after the test was over. Usually I had the test and went right to the doctor's office for the results and just waited an hour for them to come and be read. I don't know what had happened this time. Steve wanted to take me out for a long lunch somewhere maybe have a drink or two to kill the time. I couldn't make up my mind about doing anything. After sitting in the hospital for almost an hour and a half he gave up on the idea of going out for lunch. He finally just took my hand and pulled me up off the bench and made me walk down to the cafeteria and pick something to eat. I wasn't hungry I picked at the salad I had ordered but I didn't eat it. Steve was eating more of it that I was I finally just pushed it over to him to eat. He took my hand in his and held it and tried to get me to take a deep breath and relax I flat out told him I couldn't.

"Come on Mike pretty soon we'll go and you'll see there will be nothing and we'll go home and you'll sleep for a while. You've got yourself so worked up. I'm going to ask Dr. Grisales for a prescription for you something to calm your nerves down. And something especially for the day or two before the next appointment. You're getting yourself so worked up and you're getting yourself so stressed out. The cancer won't kill you but a heart attack that you're going to give yourself will." By that last statement and the way he said it I knew he was trying to get me to lighten up but I was just having such a panic attack over all of this. I didn't know what else to do. Maybe he was right and I should ask for something to take for the next couple of months something to keep this anxiety down to a dull roar instead of a run away train that's gong to crash soon.

"All right, I'll ask him for something and don't let me forget because once he tells me the results I usually just become unglued he's been leaving me in his office by myself the last two times. So make sure we ask about that."

"Good that's better now do you want to talk a walk maybe? How about we go outside and get some fresh air? Better yet let's go to the men's room I have to pee and then we'll go into one of the stalls and have sex what you say?"

"Oh my god I can't believe you just said that. Sex you want to have sex, here, now? You have lost your mind Steve."

"What I can't think of a better way to relieve your stress right now than with sex. Seriously think about it for a few minutes. It'll be great sex and we'll kill time and have some fun in the process. Come on let's do it."

"Get away from me you frickin sex pot maniac."

"Oh I love that way that sounds it makes me sound so dirty and I don't know it makes me feel all sexual inside." As he saying this he's rubbing himself all over his chest and stomach and straining his neck like he's looking up at the sky. I had to smile I couldn't help it he sounded so ridiculous and the way he was moving made his actions seem even more idiotic.

"You're crazy you know that what the hell does that mean? I feel all sexual inside? What the fuck is that? Where did you get that one from? I`ve never heard of anything like that in my life." Next thing out of your mouth is

you're gong to tell me that you feel all giddy inside."

"Well I don't feel all giddy inside only on the outside my penis is feeling all giddy now that you mention it. Maybe that's why I feel all sexual on

the inside. I just heard a news report about this happening with sexually deprived males who are in their early twenties. So whatever it is I'm sure it's a clear indication of needing some kind of sexual release that I know for sure that`s what they were saying on the news report I was watching. They said it's something that should be addressed immediately because ignoring it could result in some kind of mental brain damage. So is it going to be the bathroom or maybe the janitors closet of course we could always head for the car and do it in the back seat." He had this smile on his face and I couldn't help but laugh at him there was just no way around it. Because he' s still making these motions with his hands and his face I couldn't help it he was getting me to loosen up and not be so stressed. It was a moment that made me realize why I loved him so. I still didn't trust him like I use to but for right now that didn't matter. I didn't want to think about that aspect of things right now. I had enough other problems. Right now all I could do was laugh at him he was being funny for me. He grabbed me the hand and we started walking. So as not to attract attention of our hand holding he put his arm around my shoulder and we continued to walk down the corridor. The first bathroom we came to he opened the door and pushed me in before I had time to protest. The one thing about bathrooms in hospitals is they usually have locks on them and are meant for one person at a time. He locked the door.

" You`re not serious are you? I thought you were kidding Steve."

"Oh hell no I'm totally serious. Now drop you pants I want to suck on that dick of yours. Come on don't worry the door is locked and we have more than an hour and a half before we have to be at the doctors office. So let's get with it. Drop those fucking pants Baby I want you and I want you right now I'm not kidding you." I did what he said I took my shoes off and took my pants off. He was the one that took my shirt off. There I was standing naked except for my socks and my erection was doing just what it was supposed to, rising for the occasion.

"That's what I like to see your dick getting hard." Steve had stripped his clothes off and was rubbing my chest and arms. He slowly knelt down and stuck my prick into his wet mouth. Oh god this felt good. I can't believe we

were doing this in the bathroom at the hospital. I took his head in my hands and held it still while I fucked his face and he willingly sucked on my prick.

"Oh yea big boy suck it for me suck my dick good." He was and he was playing with my balls just as much as he was sucking on my cock. This was a good idea it was taking my mind off where I was and why I was here.

"Oh yea Steve keep doing that oh yea suck me fucking suck me hard." As he kept sucking me he got his finger wet with his saliva and started playing with my ass. He plunged his finger into me while he continued to suck me. My knees were getting weak the longer he kept sucking and fingering me. But I wasn't going to let him go. I wanted this to last some more.

"Man Steve your mouth is so hot wrapped around my cock. Don't stop just don't stop doing this. Oh god it feels so good....mmmmmm....oh yea...... .ssososooooo ..." He let go of my saliva dripping cock and stood up and started kissing me. He kept kneading my ass with his hands and teasing my hole with his fingers. He was making me want him inside me. I started spitting in my hand collecting my saliva so that I could wrap my hand around his dick and get it wet for him to fuck me with that hot fuck stick of his. This was so hot to be in here like this. No one knowing what was going on behind this locked

door. I dropped my hand down slowly and coated his prick with my saliva and slowly masturbated him. I kissed him and slipped my tongue into his mouth. I held his head with my other hand and kept his face where it was. I wanted to tongue fuck his mouth. I couldn't wait any longer I wanted him inside my ass and I wanted it know.

"Stick it in me Steve jam it up my ass I want it hard and raw." He pushed me away from him and spun me around.

"Put your hands on the wall and spread your legs bitch I want that fucking ass of yours now." He pushed me up against the wall and just like a cop would do he spread my legs by slightly kicking my legs apart using his. He ran his hands down my shoulders and then down my sides as he got closer to me. He took the flesh of my ass cheeks and spread them apart. I got feel his dick as it got closer to my hole, I could feel the wetness I had given him with my spit.

"Oh God shove it in me Steve just shove that fucking cock of yours into my fucking hot cunt." He did just as I begged him to do. It hurt so well. This is what I needed to not think of my possible impending doom. He was right

this was the right thing to do. He shoved it in all the way. And he kissed my neck while he impaled his cock into my ass and he bit me lightly on my shoulder.

"Oh yea fuck me hard Steve fuck me good. Fuck me so I forget it all. I need you to slam it into my hole." He paid attention to what I said and began to bang my ass with his dick. Roughly and hurried he banged the shit out of me and I didn't want him to stop. But his savage assault had him excited and he wanted to cum and soon.

"Empty it Steve empty those fucking balls baby shoot your fucking load in me. Fucking do it bang me hard." He slammed my body against the wall the harder he fucked me and I loved it. He was getting close I could hear it in his breathing and I felt his urgency of his impending explosion.

"OOHHH YYEEEAA and he lost his load inside me. He ground his body against mine as his balls emptied out their gift to my ass. He pulled back some and took me with him keeping his cock inside me. He stepped back and took me with him he reached up and tilted my head so that I was leaning against his body and my head was on his shoulder. He took my dick in his hand and started to jerk me off. Slowly and gently he kept stroking me and it felt so good like this.

"Oh yea Steve stroke me off your hand feels so good on me. Just fucking beat me cock good." He pinched my nipple with the other hand. Man this was heaven it just felt so good. He kept stroking me and started going faster. I knew it wasn't going to take much longer I had been so close when he had dumped his load in me. My orgasm was right at the edge.

"Oh yea keep doing it almost there man so close oh yea do it just fucking keep.......Ooooooo" And my balls let loose and shoot against the wall. I closed my eyes and just let myself be wrapped in his arms. He stood there and held me up it just felt so good I didn't want to move. But he brought me out of my bliss and made me move.

"Come on now that it's done we need to get cleaned up and get dressed. And sneak out of this bathroom. I can't believe you talked me into this you' re such a pig Mike." I started laughing and hit him hard in the shoulder.

"You have some fuckin nerve telling me I thought of this. Mister I feel giddy and all sexual inside. What the fuck was that anyway? Fucking bring me in here and fuck my ass like that. Don't even think you'll get this ass tonight buster. It's going to be off limits for a few hours at least." Both of us were laughing as we got ourselves together.

"All right I'll open the door don't just follow me out let me make sure the coast is clear so we don't look to suspicious walking out of here together." He opened the door and looked down the corridor. He reached in and took my hand and pulled me out into the hallway with him.

"Now that's the last time you get to do that in this hospital. I can't believe you talked me into letting you fuck in the bathroom. You are such a horn dog I swear you really are. And that's the last time I want to hear about that all sexual inside and giddy shit, do you hear me? I mean it!"

"Yeah Yeah whatever you say Babe, yea I know last time, never happen again... blah blah blah.."

"Don't get your smart mouth going you heard what I said that was the last time you get to do that kind of thing Stephen Alan!" I was trying so hard not to laugh. I loved every minute of it and wondered where else we could do it the next time we were at the hospital and had to sit around and wait like we did today.

"I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking." He was singing it just like a little kid would sing it. I really started to laugh at him.

"What am I thinking smart ass?"

"About the next time we do it here in the hospital." I started to laugh even more for him being right. It was like an admission of guilt on my part.

"I knew it, you were thinking about it weren't you? Come on tell me and be honest." He started half poking me and I couldn't help but laugh with him.

"All right you're right I was thinking about where we could do it the next time we have to wait while we are here. But don't forget we don't have to usually wait like this. The most I have to wait ever is like thirty minutes. So really there probably won't be a next time."

"Unless we just come early on purpose Babe."

"And you call me bad." We just laughed together and kept walking towards my judge and jury.

I didn't like the doctor's office. I'm not sure if it was the way it was decorated or if it was more about what it represented to my life, and me how it had it affected it. Perhaps it was just that a loathing based on what it meant in my life. The courtroom and I was being called in for the verdict in a few minutes. Same as last month and the month before and so on and so on. Will I be here next month wondering the same thing?

"Come on Mike don't look so down it's going to be fine you'll see. I know what you're thinking you've told me so this isn't the courtroom like you' re thinking it's just the doctors office and we'll be out of her within another say thirty minutes." Within a few seconds of him saying that the nurse called me into his office. The pit in stomach was getting worse.

"Hello gentlemen I'm glad to see you both here. I think it's important that you two stay together through this. I think it's important to have all the support you can get Mike. I wasn't too happy the past couple of times when you showed up here alone. I'm happier that you're both like I said. I know you don't like waiting Mike so I won't keep you hanging, you're fine. The MRI is clear there's nothing showing anything. Not even a small piece. I still want you to be on guard for symptoms as we have discussed. But this is looking better with each visit you make here. We'll keep these visits month to month for two more. Then I think we can go to everything other month for a year. How's that sound?" The only thing I heard him say was the MRI was clear anything after that I didn't hear a thing out of his mouth I only saw the movement of lips. Steve is the one that brought me back to reality.

"Mike! Mike! Listen to me."

"Huh? What? Oh yea. What is it?"

"You're okay everything is clear from the test did you hear that?"

"I heard that part Steve I heard that much I didn't hear anything else." He filled me on the appointment schedule for the following months. We got up from the doctors off and were out the door. I just keep playing it over in my head and thinking I had another month to wait again just to wait again and we made it about ten or so steps and I hit the ground.

"Come on Mike! Snap out of it you're fine. It's okay come on Mike wake up!" I felt him shaking me and I opened my eyes to see Steve and the Doctor both by my side. The emotional release of finding out this time was an overload of relief. I had put myself under so much stress. The doctor brought me back into his office.

"You do need something I think for the stress if this is what you're going to do. How long has it been like this that you get yourself this stressed

out Mike?'

"The past couple of visits have been pretty rough. The last one I cried for twenty minutes after you told me. I admit that I can barely sleep a day or two before this MRI test has to be done. I did want to talk to you about it but after you gave us the news I just wanted to get out of here and go home. So I forgot and I see Steve did the same thing. I told him to remember about asking you for something." I felt disconnected from things like I wasn't really even sitting here having this conversation. But I sat there with Steve and went through the motions of things and we went home with a few new prescriptions for me to take to help my nerves and one to take just a few days before the MRI was coming due.