"You want to know about Tom?" James asked.
Hesitantly I replied, "Yes."
"Why do you want to know what he did while you were gone? Do you think he's hiding something from you?" I could tell James was loving every second of knowing he knew something about Tom that I didn't. James was in classic bully mode, deriving his pleasure from ripping the facade of happiness from my desperate grasp.
I wished I could tell James I didn't want to know and assure him that I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of ruining my day any more than he already had but I had to know how they knew Tom and why Tom still hadn't explained to me how he knew Sarah. I didn't want to sound too eager so I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I'm just curious."
"Curiosity killed the cat," he replied.
"James stop fucking with him and tell him!"
"I'll tell him when I'm good and goddamn ready, Scarah."
"That's not my name, Shitface."
"Well it should be!"
Sarah hit the steering wheel with her hand. "Dammit James!"
"Okay I'll start talking, but you have to shut up first."
"You know what? Fuck it! I'll tell him." She stopped at a red light. "You can get out now." I reached for the door. "Not you! I'm talking to the asshole in the backseat."
"I'm not getting out!" James yelled.
"You didn't even want to get in!"
"That doesn't matter. I'm in now."
The light changed to green but Sarah didn't move. The car behind us blew its horn. "Um the light is green," I said.
"I'm not moving until he gets out." She put on the hazard lights.
"We can sit here all night as far as I care because I'm not moving!" James shouted.
Sarah turned and looked directly at him, "God I hate you!"
"Good because I hate you, too!" Their eyes locked and an impromptu stare down began. We sat there for a few seconds longer and then James relented, "Okay I'll tell him the fucking story but move the damn car before someone comes and offers to help us."
The light turned red. Sarah began talking to herself, "Please Lord, do not let me kill my little brother before we make it home. Give me the strength to ignore his stupidity and accept him for the dumb ass he is."
The light still hadn't changed so I decided to make my getaway. "You know I can get out right here. I'm really not that far." I was still about a twenty minute walk from my house but Sarah's jeep was beginning to suffocate me. I tried to open my door and that's when I realized it was locked. I unlocked it and Sarah pushed the button on her side and locked it back.
"Don't go. We're sorry. Aren't we, James?"
"I'm not apologizing for you being a bitch."
"Whatever." She lowered her voice, "He's sorry, too. We know we're a lot to handle. My parents don't even like to be around us at the same time."
If the devil had a laugh it would sound just like the one that came from James. "That's true," he admitted. The light changed and Sarah turned off the hazard lights and drove down the road. James began speaking in a barely audible voice, "Billy and I were out hiking a few years ago and we found Tom floating face down in Vernor's Creek. We watched him and he didn't appear to be moving so I jumped in to save him but when I got close to him he started treading water on his own. He said I scared the shit out of him." I smiled and then realized how dumb it was to smile because James couldn't see my face. "I asked him what the hell he was doing and he told me he was watching the fish."
I had seen him do that a few times before. Tom told me it cleared his mind to watch the fish swimming around so peacefully. Sometimes he named the fish and created stories based on them and then he shared the stories with me. His stories always followed the same plot: family, tragedy, family rebuilding. Before I knew about Isaac I thought Tom's stories were subliminal jabs at me to try to talk to my family.
"It was fucking creepy," James added. "Anyway, we swam ashore and talked about seeing each other at school. Billy and Tom knew each other from the lacrosse team so we sat around drinking beers and shooting the breeze. You know Tom's a pretty cool guy when he's not hanging around with your bony ass."
"James!"
"Shutup Sarah, I'm not done with my story."
"Well leave the commentary out."
"That's censorship."
"Don't make me stop the car again."
"Oh are you going to let me drive?"
"James!"
"Fine." I jumped when his hand landed on my shoulder. "You don't mind the commentary do you?"
Of course I fucking minded the commentary. My ass was not bony. I wished it was, but it wasn't. "No, I don't mind, but could you give me the short version, we're almost to my house."
"I know."
I had given Sarah directions before James got in. "How do you know?" I asked.
"Tom pointed out your house every time we went by it. I swear it was annoying as hell. I mean nobody gave a shit where you lived."
"I did," Sarah said.
"You just wanted to check out your competition."
"That's not true! Sam obviously meant a lot to Tom and I wanted to know more about him."
"Get off your fucking high horse and come back down to reality. You were all over Tom until you realized you were barking up the wrong tree, you backstabbing bitch."
"Shut up!" Sarah yelled.
"What's the matter? Too much honesty for you?"
"You want honesty? Why don't you tell Sam how you threw yourself at Tom and he acted like you didn't even exist? Don't try to pretend like I was the only person with a crush on him."
"Don't you watch tv? I had a guy crush. There was nothing sexual about it and I certainly didn't want him to fuck me. You, however, would have spread your legs in a second because you wanted him."
"You wanted him too until you caught him with Brian so shut the fuck up and finish telling Sam how we became friends with Tom."
"Wait, I'm confused. How can I shut the fuck up and finish telling the story? Either you want me to shut up or you want me to keep talking, which one is it?"
"Stop being a smart ass!"
"I'm not being a smart ass. Don't think I don't know what's going on here. You want me to tell Sam about Tom so when Tom finds out he won't be upset with you. I'm willing to be the bad guy here, isn't that enough? I mean come on, what else do you want from me?"
Sarah took a deep breath. "I just want you to tell Sam how we know Tom. That's all."
I noticed Sarah's voice sounded full of resignation. She wasn't frustrated anymore and she didn't even sound angry or bitter, she just sounded like she was ready to move on. I wanted to tell her she could only imagine how I felt. Being trapped in the car with the two of them was worse than sitting at the dinner table with my family. The way Sarah and James spoke to each other and acted was puzzling. I couldn't tell if they hated each other or not, but I got the impression that their venomous words were their way of expressing their love. In my mind, that was exactly what Dr. Conley would say. Somewhere deep inside of both of them was a lot of love for one another. Either that or they genuinely hated each other.
James went back to telling me about meeting Tom. He described his "guy crush" on Tom as confusion and assured me he was never interested in Tom "like that" and his girlfriend was giving him more than he could handle. Dr. Conley would say the description James gave of his relationship with his girlfriend was too exaggerated and was most likely his way of compensating for still having a crush on Tom. The way he confronted me in the lunchroom began to make sense.
Anyway, I found out a lot of things about Tom that I had never expected and a few things that I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I can't say what shocked me more, the fact that Tom partied all the time while I was gone or the fact that Tom had been secretly involved with Brian Jarnon from the lacrosse team. James told me that Tom was outgoing and popular during both of my disappearances. Everyone knew I was in a clinic but James referred to my absences as my first disappearance and my second disappearance as if I had simply vanished.
Sarah parked in front of my house and time flew by as James told me more stories about things that happened with Tom while I was gone, including Tom's big fight with Billy because Billy wouldn't stop making jokes about me. Tom hadn't been friends with Billy for about a year. To make matters worse, James said Tom and Brian had a nasty break up right after I left for my second disappearance. James said he could care less about Tom and the only person who still cared about "Tom and his dumb ass" was Sarah. It sounded like Sarah had been a good friend to Tom while I was gone. She pretended to date him after she found out he and Brian were together so no one would think something was going on between Brian and Tom. According to James, Sarah and Tom still talked all the time.
"Oh shit!" James shouted.
"What?" Sarah asked.
"Tom just pulled up behind us."
I turned and saw Tom slam his door and march towards us. He hit Sarah's window. "What are you doing with Sam?"
She let her window down. "We're talking."
"Talking about what?"
"What do you think?" James asked.
"You guys promised you'd let me tell him when I was ready."
"I didn't tell him. James did. I tried to stop him but he wouldn't shut up," Sarah said and then she turned and winked at me. She instigated the entire situation and yet she was pretending to be an innocent bystander who couldn't stop her brother from opening his big mouth. She practically begged him to tell me about Tom.
"James why would you tell him? You promised."
"We're not friends anymore so it doesn't matter what I promised you. Besides, when were you going to tell him? We gave you time when he came back after his first disappearance and then we gave you time after his second disappearance. How long did you want us to wait for you to tell him about Brian and us?"
Tom opened his mouth and took a deep breath. "You told him about BJ?"
"Yes."
Tom looked at me. "He told you?"
The way his eyes cowered when they glanced in my direction told me he didn't want me to know. He was supposed to be my best friend and he wanted to keep secrets from me. I didn't understand what would make him think that I couldn't handle hearing about Brian. Tom didn't even know I hurt myself when he decided to keep me in the dark about his love life. I could have handled it. I probably would have been in the clinic longer and possibly would have thrown myself down the stairs again, but I would have been okay eventually. My need for Tom to be in my life was greater than any amount of jealousy I could have felt.
I nodded, "Yeah he told me. It's not a big deal."
Tom's eyes refused to make contact with mine. "Really?"
"Yeah, really." His eyes darted up towards my face and I quickly looked away from him because I didn't want him to see I was lying. When I came home from the clinic the first time, Tom snuck around with Brian behind my back. How could he have done that to me? I thought we were exploring who we were together and it turned out Tom had already been in a gay relationship. I wasn't even good enough to be his first.
"I should have told you," he whispered.
I forced myself to smile and I looked at him, "It's okay."
His eyes went crazy scanning my face, the dead look that had been in his eyes was replaced by fire. "What the hell happened to your face?"
"He thought he was Superman and he tried to fly," James said.
"What?"
"Sam tried to fly and his face broke his fall," James told him.
Tom gave me a questioning look and I knew he knew I tried to hurt myself. I hated that he knew so I unlocked my door and got out. I should have ran towards my house but even my legs felt weak and defeated so I walked slowly instead. My world was literally crashing down on me; first Tom discovered my secret and then I discovered his. I didn't want any more truth. I just wanted everything to be silent and still. Tom jumped in front of me. I dropped my bag and he wrapped his arms around me. "I'm not upset," he whispered. "I promise I'm not, and I'm sorry if knowing about BJ hurts your feelings. I had a lot of shit to work out back then. I loved you but I wasn't sure if it was okay if I was in love with you." Tom kissed my neck. "You were always the one I wanted."
"Why don't you kiss the little fag," James yelled.
"Ignore him," Tom said, "he's just jealous." Charlie came out the front door and time granted me my wish and stood still. My chin rested on Tom's left shoulder as I looked my older brother directly in his eyes. He returned my stare for a few seconds and then he looked away. I caught him look at me again for a moment and then he walked by as if Tom and I weren't even there. Tom let me go. "We should get something to eat before we go see Dr. Conley."
I had planned on riding the bus and meeting Tom at the doctor's office. "You're taking me?"
"Why did you think I was here?"
"I don't know."
"Should we leave now?" James asked.
Tom responded with half a smile on his face, "That would be nice."
"We can take a hint, but don't think I'm done talking to Sam."
"Stay away from him!" Tom warned.
"Why? You scared?"
"James shut your damn mouth and let up that window!" Sarah ordered.
"Scarah, would you please mind your own business?"
"This is my business. The only reason I didn't stop you from telling Sam was because it was time for him to know why you and Billy were such asses to him."
"Oh please! You are so full of shit! You begged me to tell Sam. He was in the car too, or did you forget that? Hey Sam why don't you tell Tom what really happened? It's time he saw Sarah for the hardcore bitch she really is!"
I kept my mouth shut hoping Sarah would respond so I didn't have to say anything. My wait was short. "James just shut up! Tom knows you hate him. He knows that's why you told Sam. Don't bring me in to this. This is about your personal shit with Tom."
"This is as much about your shit with him as it is about mine."
"Tom I'll talk to you later," Sarah said. Her jeep screeched down the road. James was yelling something but I couldn't make out what he was saying.
"Are they always like that?" I asked.
"They're usually worse," Tom told me. "Now let's go."
"I need to put my bag in the house."
"Just throw it in my car."
"Whatever." I walked to his car and got in. I would have given anything to be in my room with a burning cigarette pressed against my thigh because the day continued to venture in a direction that made me uncomfortable and frightened me. I hated uncertainty and I needed to do something or risk losing my mind completely. My hands started fidgeting. I had to put them to use so I pulled the rubberband out of my hair and let my hair fall. I used my hands to comb my hair in front of my eyes then I sat back in my seat.
"Don't do that," Tom said. "Don't try to shut me out."
"I let my hair down. Geez."
"Look I should have told you about him but I didn't know what to say. I missed you and I wanted to be close to someone and he was there. I won't say I was using him because I wasn't, but what we had was nothing compared to what I have with you. I already told you about the moment I realized I was in love with you but what I left out was the effect that moment had on my life after you left. Knowing I was in love with you ruined everything between me and BJ. You were all I thought about. After that day, I knew I couldn't be with BJ anymore because it wasn't fair to him. We broke up right after you went to the clinic the last time. I think we both knew I could never love him the way I love you. The sad part is that BJ really loved me and he had a hard time understanding why I would dump him in order to pursue a relationship with a guy who I didn't even know was gay or not."
Tom's words crashed against my ears and tunneled inside but none of the words brought me comfort; instead, each word seemed to prick my heart. I was tempted to open the car door and jump out but I knew that wasn't an option so I settled for putting the rubberband to good use. I wrapped the rubberband around my index finger until the tip was puffy and red.
"Sam don't do that."
"You should be watching the road, not me."
Tom grabbed my hand, "I can do both." His fingers deftly removed the rubberband.
I wanted to tell him he shouldn't bother trying to watch me because I was not worth looking at and he probably wished I looked like Brian anyway. How could Tom think twice about me when he had Brian? Brian was definitely better looking than I was, then again so was every guy at my school. It really didn't matter who it was that Tom was involved with because everyone was better than me. Tom squeezed my hand.
"Do you want to hold hands?" he asked.
He wanted to hold my hand again and some part of that idea triggered an uneasiness inside of me that disguised itself as laughter. "I bet you held hands with Brian, too."
"We did in the beginning but only in private. I was petrified that we would be caught and you know I never gave a shit what people thought about me, but I wasn't ready for my parents to find out. I was so embarrassed when my mother and James walked in on me and BJ. I wanted to disappear." He wanted to disappear and that was exactly what I wanted to do at that moment. "Did James tell you about that?"
"Yes."
"My mother had a nice long talk with me later that night. The surprise was on me though because her main concern was figuring out why I was with Brian when it was obvious I was in love with you."
Tom's thumb rubbed the back of my hand and I knew he was waiting for me to turn my hand over so we could hold hands. He needed to hold my hand in order to convince himself that everything was okay. He probably suspected I was close to the edge and he wanted to make sure I held on to him before I jumped. He believed he had a duty to help me and I had to let him know that he wasn't under any obligation to be with me. "Did Brian make you happy?"
"He did for a while but he wasn't you. He never could be."
"Because he's normal?"
"Sam you're"
"If you say I'm normal I'm going to open the door and jump."
"Haven't we had this discussion before? Sam you're not abnormal. Sure you don't dress or act like everyone else but that doesn't mean you're not normal. You're normal to me."
`You must be crazy, too,' I thought. Hell Tom had to be crazy to pick someone like me over Brian. Brian was cool. The more I thought about Brian, the more I realized that Brian was the type of guy Tom should be with, not me. I was, well, I wasn't right for Tom. My hand started shaking.
"What's wrong?"
"I can't compete with Brian."
"You don't have to. I love you and I am in love with you. I'll probably always be in love with you. I can't help it."
He couldn't help it? Did that mean liking me was like a disease? "You can't help it?"
"Nope, I can't help it. I am hopelessly head over heels in love with you and everything about you. You know that. Don't you? I mean what do I have to do to prove how I feel about you?"
"Nothing. You don't have to do anything. Not one single thing."
"Don't get defensive."
"I'm not." He put his arm around me. I had to change the subject. "Do you know where Dr. Conley's office is?"
"You said he was at Hillside."
"Yeah, he is."
"What do you think he's going to say when he sees me?" Tom asked.
"You're going back there with me?"
"Isn't that how it works?"
"No. It's not group therapy."
"Oh." Tom squeezed my shoulder. "Do you think he'll mind?"
"No. He'll probably be excited to meet you."
"You don't want me to meet him do you?"
I answered his question with silence, figuring since he was reading my mind anyway he should be able to figure out exactly what I wanted to say to him. I couldn't handle hearing about him and Brian and then having him hear about me in therapy. I wasn't ready for him to sit in on a session but I wasn't willing to tell him he couldn't.
Tom's arm stayed around my shoulder and I assumed he had given up on trying to hold hands and settled for simply making contact. His actions were just another example of the fact that he always made concessions when it came to me. It didn't seem right.
Something inside of me started to go off. There was no warning, no receding of the tide, just a rogue wave barreling towards the shore. I started scratching the back of my right hand and I tried to be discreet. When I realized Tom hadn't noticed, I pinched myself. I didn't pinch through my skin but I did pinch hard enough to leave two red marks; although the pinching did little to numb the aching inside of me.
Tom was disturbingly sullen as he drove and I wondered if knowing I didn't want him there had upset him. His fingers began to play with the nape of my neck and then I wondered if he realized what he was doing. His touch felt like tiny shocks jumping across my skin and I had to take deep breaths in order to maintain some form of cognitive action and prevent my brain from shutting down and running on autopilot.
I began absentmindedly picking at the bruise on my knee. Tom never took his eyes off the road, but his hand grabbed my ear. "If you keep picking at that thing I swear to God I will cut your hair or force feed you in the middle of the night or do something equally horrific."
"I, uh"
"Save it for Dr. Conley."
That one line told me everything I needed to know about Tom's state of mind. Tom was upset, he was hurt and he was annoyed, all of which were a direct result of my actions. The lifesaver that kept my heart afloat began to dissipate and right before my heart sank it began to hurt as if someone had chipped a piece of it off and stuffed it down my throat. The uncomfortable lump, that usually veered its ugly head when I was extremely nervous about something, was trying to ambush me and snuff my existence. Only this time, Tom was the source of the lump.
Tom wanted me to change and adjust to the world according to others but I wanted to adjust to the world according to what I saw, and I saw a lot of things I didn't want to see. Namely, the parking lot of the MacDonald's Tom was pulling in to. Fast food was fattening, even the salads. Why would Tom do that to me? It had to be a sign that he didn't truly love me and that made me further question the depths of Tom's love for me and forced me to begin to fear that maybe I was right all along.
Copyright Lustyville 2007 Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com and check out more of this story and my other stories at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville