By the end of the school day, I was more than ready to go home and spend time with Tom. I left my last class as soon as the bell rang and was surprised to see Matt waiting for me at my locker.
He said, "I didn't want you guys to leave me."
"I didn't say anything."
"No, but you were thinking it." I threw my books in my locker and took out the two that I needed for homework. Matt leaned against the locker next to mine and asked, "So how was your day?"
"Okay I guess. How was yours?"
Matt smiled. "I had a really good day. Really good. Really, really good."
"What happened?"
"I'm in love."
I laughed. "Love with who?" I shut my locker.
"My English teacher sent me to the office for disrupting class and I was in the office waiting for the principal when Mr. Mason brought in Billy and that Brian kid from yesterday and said they had been fighting. He sat them down then he left. You know I didn't really get a good look at Brian yesterday but I got a good look at him today. I sat and stared at him. He caught me staring a few times." I spotted Tom coming down the hallway. "You know I don't even have to turn around to know that Tom is walking this way. You should see how your face just lit up." Matt turned around and waved to Tom, then he turned back. "I'll finish telling you later."
As Tom got closer, I could look at his face and tell that something was wrong. It wasn't that his face looked sad, it was that his eyes weren't happy. Tom put his arm around me. "I'm sorry I'm late. Something came up."
"You ran in to Brian and he asked you if you knew me?" Matt asked.
"Well it does have to do with BJ, but it's not about you. He was suspended for fighting with Billy. His parents refused to come get him so his grandmother came and she was definitely not pleased. He called and said his grandmother put him out at Kent's Store down the street and she told him to take the bus home so he could think about what he did."
"Is he going to be homeless?"
"No, Matt, he's not going to be homeless. His grandmother wasn't kicking him out of the house, she was just kicking him out of the car."
"Oh."
"Anyway, I told BJ he didn't have to take the bus. I told him we would come pick him up and he could hang out with us for a few hours while his grandmother calms down. Is that okay with you?" Tom looked at me expectantly.
"Yes." There I go again,' I thought, why can't I just tell him the truth?' I knew I was lying and the look on Matt's face told me that he knew I was lying too. I looked at Tom and I couldn't tell if he knew. I felt bad for Brian but at the same time I didn't want to hang out with him then I felt angry with myself for agreeing to something that I didn't want any part of.
It was a short ride to the store. Brian was standing outside waiting for us. He got in the backseat with Matt and I wondered what Matt would do. Matt moved close to Brian and put his arm around him. "You can cry if you want," Matt said.
Brian shrugged his shoulders. "There's nothing to cry about." Matt stared at him in disbelief and I wondered what Matt was thinking and why Brian didn't look away. "Who are you?" Brian asked.
"I'm your new boyfriend."
"My new boyfriend? Really? I don't even know your name."
Matt smiled at him and in typical Matt fashion, he said, "I'm Matt, silly." He grabbed Brian's hand.
Brian looked at me as if to ask if Matt was about to grow fangs and attack him. I shook my head and told him, "He's harmless."
Matt leaned over and kissed Brian on his cheek. "Yeah, I'm harmless."
I was surprised at how shamelessly Matt was throwing himself at Brian and then I realized I shouldn't be surprised. Technically speaking it was perfectly in character for Matt to throw himself at someone. I mean any guy who would throw himself at his foster father would probably throw himself at just about anyone.
Brian gently pushed Matt away. "I'd kind of like my own space if you don't mind."
"Of course I don't mind. You can have your own space. For now that is."
"Tom who is this guy?"
"Apparently he's your new boyfriend," Tom chuckled. "You two make a cute couple."
"Tom I'm not in the mood. Just tell me who this guy is."
"He's Sam's friend."
Brian looked at Matt and then he looked at me and I could hear his thoughts. "I'm not crazy," Matt said. I smiled because apparently Matt heard Brian's thoughts as well.
"Yeah, whatever."
I actually felt kind of bad for Brian. He was going through so much and then he had the misfortune of being stuck in the car with me and Matt. He probably would have been better off if Tom just took him home and let him work things out with his grandmother.
I was relieved when we pulled in my driveway because that meant we would be free from the tight quarters of the car. I would have suggested that Tom take Brian home but I knew Tom would interpret it the wrong way and I didn't want to disappoint him. I wanted to be okay with Brian being there and I was going to force myself to be okay with it whether I really liked it or not.
We all got out of the car. Charlie opened the front door before we reached it. Tom whispered to me, "Is he serious? Did he think I was going to drive off with you or something?" Then Tom shouted, "Hey Charlie! How are you?"
"I'm fine." I stepped to the side and let Tom take the lead. I wasn't sure why I did that. I probably should have been the one leading Matt and Brian, but I felt like a visitor. Matt kissed Charlie on the cheek as he walked in the house. I fell in line behind Brian. Charlie grabbed my arm and stopped me, "What's BJ doing here?"
"Long story."
"Are you okay with it?"
"I don't have much of a choice."
"This is your house. You have a choice. If you don't want him here just tell me and I'll make him leave."
"I'm fine with it. Please just leave it alone."
"Okay, but I'm going to keep an eye on you guys."
I had already assumed he would be staying in the room with us and I didn't care. We went in the livingroom. Brian was sitting in a chair. Matt was sitting on the arm of Brian's chair and Tom was sitting on the sofa. I sat on the sofa next to Tom and Charlie sat in the chair next to the sofa. As soon as Charlie was seated, Matt walked over and sat in his lap.
I think even if I was completely sane, I still wouldn't be able to wrap my mind around the friendship that Charlie and Matt seemed to have with each other. I watched Charlie wrap his arms around Matt. It kind of freaked me out a little. I looked at Brian to see his reaction and I noticed that Brian was watching them too.
Brian asked, "Why do you throw yourself at everyone?"
Matt looked at him and smiled. "The real question is why do you care?"
"I don't."
"Yes you do, but for the record, I don't throw myself at everyone. Charlie is my friend. Yes I want to have sex with him, but that doesn't matter because it will never happen. Besides, I want to have sex with a lot of people. In fact, I want to have sex with everyone in this room. Unfortunately Tom and Sam are practically married and Charlie doesn't want me and you, well, I have a feeling you would fuck me if you weren't friends with Tom, wouldn't you?" Brian was looking at Matt like he had two heads. "Of course you wouldn't admit that out loud, but I see it. I know your type: Play hard to get in front of others, but if I took you somewhere and it was just you and me, things would be different. You'd probably be all over me and"
Charlie put his hand over Matt's mouth. "Okay Matt I think that's enough." Matt grabbed Charlie's hand and looked directly in to Brian's eyes, then Matt put one of Charlie's fingers in his mouth and started to suck on it. Charlie pulled his finger out of Matt's mouth.
Matt finally broke eye contact with Brian. "I've never had a guy pull out so quickly," he said.
Charlie hit Matt on his arm. "What is wrong with you today?"
"There's nothing wrong with me."
"You're not acting like yourself."
"Look I'm horny and someone is going to have sex with me soon or I'm going to lose it." We all looked around but none of us said anything. If I had said what Matt said, I would have been running from the room completely embarrassed and red in the face, but Matt was sitting there, smiling and being, well, being Matt. He sat there without the slightest hint of embarrassment. I wondered how he could always do that. I wanted to be able to just let my words flow uncensored and not want to take back anything I said. That would be a truly amazing way to live, but I was destined to live a life of constant worry. I was thinking that when I realized I hadn't really worried about anything since we walked in the house. I had thought about things, but I hadn't focused on one thing to the point of obsessing over it. That felt good. I felt good. Feeling good made me self-conscious. I started wondering if I was smiling too much or if I looked sadder than I was or if anyone was noticing that there was something different about me too.
After a few seconds of us just sitting there, Matt started talking again, "Okay I've shared for today. It's your turn Sam."
"Oh no, I'm not sharing anything."
"Come on Sam, don't leave me hanging out here. The ledge is scary by myself. I need company."
I glanced at Brian. If Brian wasn't there I might have shared something, but I wasn't going to share anything with him. "Matt, I'm not sharing."
Matt glanced at Brian. "Yeah, I got it. You don't want to share with Brian. It's cool. We'll skip your turn for now." Matt looked at Brian. "Okay boyfriend, it's your turn."
"I'm not sharing either." The two of them locked eyes.
"That's fine, you don't have to because you answered to boyfriend."
"I wasn't answering to boyfriend. I was answering because you were looking at me."
"Yeah whatever, boyfriend. I got you." Matt winked.
"You don't get me." There was a slight softness in Brian's voice.
Tom laughed. "Are you two flirting?"
Matt seemed reluctant to pull his eyes away from Brian. His eyes made a quick move in Tom's direction, then returned to Brian. Matt smiled. "Of course we are, but you just spoke so now it's your turn to share."
I expected Tom to tell Matt that he wasn't sharing, instead Tom put his arm around me and said, "Okay. What do you want me to share?"
I don't think Matt was expecting Tom to play along either because Matt completely broke eye contact with Brian and stared at Tom in disbelief. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah, I'll share. What do you want me to share?"
Matt started clapping and bouncing in Charlie's lap. "You can share whatever you want."
"So I can tell you my favorite color is blue?"
"You could, if you wanted to."
"Should I tell you what makes blue so special?"
Matt smirked then looked at me. "I think I already know, but sure, tell us."
"Yeah I guess it's no secret. If you've ever seen Sam in blue then you know that is hands down his color, and his eyes are the kind of blue that,"
Matt interrupted him, "Oh God, stop there. We don't want to hear about Sam's blue eyes or how they take your breath away or how you sometimes stare in to his eyes and get so lost that you forget what you were saying. We really don't want to hear things like that. Especially when no one wants to stare in to my eyes. Hell, they don't have to stare in to my eyes, they can just do me." He screamed, "Why doesn't anyone want to do me?"
Charlie held Matt tight then Charlie stood and carried Matt towards the hallway. "You and I need to talk."
After they left the room, Brian whispered, "Did he forget his meds?"
It was a legitimate question and if he had said it to just Tom, then it wouldn't have been an issue, but I was in the room so it was an issue. I took meds. They made me better or at least they seemed to be making me better.
Tom quickly said, "BJ!"
Brian looked at me. "Oh sorry. I forgot."
"You forgot what?" I asked. I imagined that he knew everything and paranoia reared its ugly head yet again. Brian knew about my problems. He knew about the cutting. He knew about the burning. He knew about the anorexia, well everyone knew about the anorexia, but he knew about the meds. He definitely knew about the meds. How could you know about the medication? Tom must have told him. Why would Tom tell him? He didn't need to know that.
"Sam I didn't mean anything by it. There's nothing wrong with taking meds. I'm on Ritalin."
My mind focused on the `I'm on Ritalin' part. Each day Brian was becoming less and less perfect. First everyone found out he was gay then his parents disowned him then his grandmother was like the grandmother from hell, then he was suspended from school and kicked out of his grandmother's car and to top it all off, he was on Ritalin. The more I thought about what Brian had been through, the less angry I felt because Brian probably needed as much help as I did.
I blurted out, "I'm in therapy." The words were a peace offering of sorts. They were my way of opening up to Brian and sharing.
Everything about Brian seemed to change and the emotionless boy who I had seen the night before magically reappeared. In a monotone, he said, "I used to go to therapy. They thought they fixed what was wrong with me, but they didn't. I just got better at hiding it, until it blew up in my face yesterday."
I knew what he was talking about and it wasn't my intention to bring up that sore subject, but something dark inside of me wanted to make him say it. "Are you talking about you being gay?"
"Yeah."
Charlie took over the interrogation. "You mean your parents knew before yesterday? I thought your parents didn't know."
"They didn't. They suspected something wasn't right with our relationship. I denied everything but they still sent me to therapy."
"You never told me they suspected."
"I didn't want you to know I was in therapy."
"Why would they kick you out if they already suspected?"
"Because now they know for sure and if that's not bad enough, other people know. It's no longer my secret, it's more like a public record."
We were quiet for a few minutes and during those few minutes the silence shifted from uncomfortable to unbearable. I said, "I wonder what Charlie and Matt are talking about."
Brian sighed, "I don't. In fact I think I should make my exit before Matt comes back. Besides, my grandmother should have calmed down by now. I'd like to get to her house at a reasonable time so that she thinks I took the bus."
I patted Tom on his arm. "Tom will take you home."
Tom grabbed my hand. "You're coming with us."
I pulled my hand away. "No, I think it should just be the two of you."
Tom leaned over and softly whispered, "If you come with us I'll let you make out with me before I bring you home."
I giggled then I remembered that Brian was still in the room. I hoped that he hadn't somehow heard what Tom said. I looked over at Brian and he had a slight smile on his face. "Did you hear what he said?" I asked.
"No I didn't hear him, but I know Tom so I'm pretty sure he said something dirty."
Brian and Tom shared a laugh while my mind descended in to turmoil. I was trying to be more accepting of their friendship. I was trying to be secure in my relationship with Tom. I was trying to have more good things to tell Dr. Conley and I was reluctantly accepting the fact that I was not where I wanted to be. Their little inside joke or moment or whatever they wanted to call it stirred up the worst parts of me. I spent the next few seconds feeling insanely insecure and agonizing over the fact that I was going to force myself to send Tom and Brian out together. I knew that I didn't want them to be alone but I could almost feel how much Brian needed his friend and only his friend, not his friend and his friend's boyfriend. I was determined to put forth an effort at pretending to be secure. I had messed up the day before but I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice.
Brian and Tom both stood but I stayed seated. Tom pulled me to my feet. "I'll walk you to the door," I said, "but I'm not going with you."
Tom tossed his keys to Brian. "I'll be out in a minute." Brian took the hint and waved goodbye to me then let himself out. Tom waited until he heard the door close. "Why don't you want to come?"
"I," I tried to think of what to tell him because I wasn't going to tell him the truth. I didn't want him to know that I was measuring my progress by my ability to have what Charlie would deem as a healthy relationship. I knew I was capable of having a relationship with Tom that had just the normal twinges of jealousy; a relationship in which the feeling of jealousy did not overwhelm me and overpower my thoughts or cause me to obsess over things that should be insignificant. Brian was the ex-boyfriend and I was the boyfriend. I trusted Tom to remember that and behave accordingly and I had to trust my gut because it was telling me that Brian needed Tom more than I did at that moment.
Tom put his hand on my shoulder. "Oh I get it. You want to go check on Matt."
He was way off, but I wasn't going to correct him. "Yeah."
Tom gave me a quick kiss. "You're so sweet. I'm going to drop BJ off and I'll be right back."
"Okay."
Tom's hand on my shoulder started moving up my neck and his eyes were focused on my lips. He stepped closer to me then his lips came towards mine and as usual, I stopped breathing. I knew it wasn't going to be a quick kiss and I began imagining the kiss before it started. Tom shoved his tongue in my mouth. It was a really long kiss but I wasn't going to be the one to stop it so I kept kissing him back until he pulled away. He gave me another quick kiss.
"Brian's waiting," he whispered.
"Yeah."
He kissed me again. "I'm going to go." He kissed me again.
"Okay."
He kissed me again. "That's it. I mean it." He kissed me again. "Okay, one more." He kissed me then gently pushed me away. "I'll be back."
"Okay." I walked him to the door. He stopped in the doorway and stroked my cheek.
"Maybe I'll bring ice cream," he said.
"Maybe I'll taste it."
He smiled. "You'll do more than taste it because I'll be feeding you." He ran towards his car before I could argue with him. When he got to the car, he turned and gave me a cheesy smile.
I watched him pull out the driveway and drive down the street then I closed the door and started looking for Matt and Charlie. Charlie's door was closed so I figured that was where they were. I thought about knocking before I walked in, but I wondered what they were doing and I was hoping to catch them off guard. I opened the door and walked in. Charlie was lying on his bed with Matt in his arms. Matt had his head on Charlie's chest. They both looked at me but neither tried to move.
I closed the door and stood there. Charlie hit the bed. "Come lay with us."
I walked over to the bed and lied next to Charlie. Matt reached over and hit my arm. "I'm sorry for shamelessly throwing myself at Tom's ex."
"You don't have to apologize to me."
"Yes I do. Charlie thinks I took things too far. I guess a normal guy wouldn't say some of the things I said."
I laughed. "Yeah, I know."
"I'm just lonely." He sighed. "So who in this room is having sex?"
"Not me," I said.
Charlie didn't answer. Matt hit Charlie's chest. "What about you?"
Charlie sat up, "We just had a talk about inappropriate conversations."
"We're guys talking about sex. That's not inappropriate."
"You and Sam can talk about whatever you like. I'm going to go to the kitchen and get something to drink."
"Ooh, Charlie is getting some," Matt teased.
Charlie got off the bed and walked towards his door, "Charlie's getting more than just some," he bragged then he opened the door, "I'll be downstairs."
"Is he really getting some?" Matt asked.
"Yeah, I think he is."
"From a girl?"
"Yeah."
Matt raised his right eyebrow. "So who can I get to do me?" I thought he was trying to be funny until he put his hand on my face. I immediately tensed up. "Relax," he said, "we're just friends. I know that."
"Then what are you doing?"
"I'm feeling your scar." When I wasn't in front of a mirror, I barely remembered the scar was there. I was more relaxed once I understood that Matt wasn't trying to make a move on me. "What? Did you think I was trying to seduce you or something?" I giggled. He whispered, "If I was trying to seduce you, I would have aimed a little lower." He smirked. "Get your mind out of the gutter. I was referring to your lips." His finger traced my scar two more times then his finger lazily traced a path to my lips and brushed them. "I don't think I've ever wanted someone as much as I want you," he whispered. "That's why I can't have you." He moved his fingers and pressed them against his own lips then he said, "You know the real reason I haven't tried to kiss you yet has nothing to do with Tom. I told Tom yesterday so I guess I should tell you too. The reason why you and Charlie are both safe for now is that you guys are my friends. I like having friends and I know what kissing and sex does to friendships and I couldn't handle losing you guys at this point because besides my sister, you guys are all that I have that I can call mine."
As usual, my mind selected a phrase and latched on. He knew what kissing and sex did to friendships. "So you don't think Tom and I will last?"
"That's not what I meant. Maybe I should specify that I know what kissing and sex does to my friendships. What you and Tom have is beyond friendship. You guys have that fictional soul mate type of love whereas any love I have will only be physical because that's what I'm good for and that's what I need. Like right now, I'm desperate to have sex. I'm craving it worse than a brand new sanitized razor. Dr. Leyland would be so disappointed in me. He said the next person I have sex with should be someone who I truly believe I am in love with and not just someone who has the right equipment."
"Is that why you fell for Brian so quickly? You wanted to get straight to the love part so you could get to the sex?"
"He's cute and I really do like him."
"You don't know him."
"He's cute and he's gay, what else do I need to know?" Matt put his hand on my shoulder. "If I tell you something, do you promise not to tell Tom or Charlie?"
"I promise."
"I'm going to have sex with someone in the next week."
"Please don't say Brian."
"It just might be him." He got that strange look on his face again, like he wanted to kiss me, "If I wasn't so afraid of losing you, I'd want it to be you. I dream about kissing you sometimes and I wonder what it would be like to take Tom's place in your life. If someone looked at me the way you look at Tom I probably wouldn't need medication." He paused. "Anyway, it feels good to say that to you. The truth is that I don't know who I'm going to have sex with. All I know is that it's not going to be you but it is going to happen. That means I have to set my sights on someone else. I was kind of hoping for Brian because I didn't want to do a random hook up but that may be all I deserve."
I looked at Matt and finally saw that sex could give him something neither I nor Charlie could give him and it was obvious that he believed he needed that something.
I started feeling sorry for us because both of us wanted to be different but neither of us really were. I was lying to Tom in order to get him to think that I had changed and Matt was lying to himself. Given Matt's past, I knew sex was one of the last things he needed to put back in his life. It may have felt good but it wasn't going to fix anything for him.
"Why do you feel like you need to have sex?"
"I've talked about it with Dr. Leyland. He thinks that after years of being used a certain way, I've started to expect it and in a lot of ways, sex makes things seem normal to me. I've never gone long without sex finding me. I didn't tell him, but it kind of weirds me out to think of how long I've gone this time. I can't live my life without sex the way you do because sex is a major part of who I am."
"It doesn't have to be. You shouldn't just accept that you need sex and give in to it. You learned to live without hurting yourself and that means you can learn to live without sex for a while. You deserve to know what it's like to have sex with someone who wants more than your body."
"We all aren't blessed to have our own Tom."
"This isn't about me and Tom, this is about you."
"Why are you being so serious?"
"Because someone needs to tell you that you're worth more than just a good time. I mean you changed my life and it wasn't because of anything sexual. You helped me just by being you. You opened my eyes to things about me that I didn't know I was ready to see and now it's my turn to do the same for you."
"You're too late. Dr. Leyland has already opened my eyes to my problems; I just haven't bothered to fix all of them." He stood. "This conversation has taken a turn down the wrong road, so I'm going to go find Charlie and make him tell me about his sex life."
Matt liked to keep his guard up and hide behind lies and outrageous comments because it made him comfortable in a way his own skin probably never would, but for a few moments he had stayed there on that bed with me and exposed himself. I watched him leave the room and I knew he was going to have sex with someone soon but that didn't stop me from hoping that he wouldn't and wishing that he could find his own Tom.
Copyright Lustyville 2010
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