My moment of believing in myself drowned in my tears and I began thinking of ways to help chase away the feeling of rejection but all of my old feelings returned. I was rolling around the bed arguing with myself and trying to talk myself down. I had promised Charlie and Tom that I wasn't going to do anything but as the seconds stretched out, my resistance began to give way and the old feelings that I was constantly fighting with broke through for the second time that day. I hated being at war with myself.
I started rationalizing what I could and couldn't get away with doing. I thought about pulling some of my hair out, but the pain from that was not sufficient enough to quell the hurt inside me. I didn't understand why my parents wouldn't say anything to me. They could have yelled at me and disowned me and I would have taken that better than what they actually did. Not saying anything to me was confirmation of everything I ever feared about them and about our relationship. They just didn't care. Why would they? I wasn't worth it.
I didn't want to cut myself or burn myself because I was paranoid that Charlie or Tom would notice but I had to do something. I took my sore hand and slammed it down on my nightstand. It hurt like hell. I grabbed my hand and held it against my chest then I leaned back on the bed and reveled in the feeling of the pain emanating in pulsating waves through my hand. I knew the sensations wouldn't change the way I felt before my hand started hurting, but the throbbing helped me cope for a few minutes. I wasn't thinking about my parents. My sole focus was my hand until the pain started fading. I thought about hitting my hand again but I knew that wasn't good enough. I needed more. That realization crippled me. I was trying to get better. I wanted to be better and I couldn't get that way by reverting to my old habits.
I sat still battling with what I had done and mentally bashing myself for being so stupid and so weak. I didn't understand why it was hard for me to stop doing things to myself. I felt powerless for a while then I was overwhelmed by a different feeling and quickly found myself immersed in extreme guilt. Charlie and Tom would be disappointed in me if they knew. I didn't want to face them knowing that I had relapsed two times in less than twenty four hours.
The guilt began grating on me, wearing me down until it was all I could think about. Charlie and Tom believed me when I said biting myself was an accident and I had to go make it worse by doing something else. They wouldn't see my hand and know what I had done but I had to tell them because I was choking on my guilt. I had never felt that way before. Hurting myself was supposed to be my secret but I felt an inexplicable need to share it; like if I didn't confess I would be suffocated by the lies.
I called Tom. "Hey, how did it go?" he asked.
"They pretended like nothing happened and I ran to my room and" I wanted to say it but I couldn't. I paused as I went through possible ways to explain what I had done.
"And what? What did you do?"
"You remember earlier when I accidentally bit my hand?"
"Yeah."
"Well it wasn't an accident." He was quiet. "Tom?"
"Yeah, I'm here." He sighed. "I thought you might say that. Was it um the only thing you did today?"
"Almost, but there was one more thing."
"Just tell me."
"I hit my hand on the nightstand because I wanted to hurt myself but I didn't want you or Charlie to have any proof, but now it just feels like I've betrayed both of you."
"Have you told Charlie?"
"Not yet. I'm going to tell him when we get off the phone." I held the phone and waited a few seconds before I asked, "Isn't there anything else you want to say? Don't you want to tell me that I messed up and maybe yell at me a little?"
"Why would I do that? You called me and told me what you did. Yes it's upsetting to know the truth, but I'm not upset with you. In fact, I'm more upset with me because I've been lying to myself all day. I knew it wasn't an accident but I didn't push it because I wanted to believe it was possible that you didn't mean to do it." He took a breath. "I'm not going to come down on you for being honest. You know how I feel about what you did. That goes without saying."
His sorrow came through the phone. I had disappointed him yet again. I whispered, "I don't know why I told you."
"It may not sound like it but I'm happy you told me. Do you want me to come back over there?"
"What would your parents say about that?"
"I don't care. I'll take whatever punishment they think of. Just tell me if you need me."
If I need him,' I thought. I almost laughed. I always needed him. That was undoubtedly part of my problem. I needed people and besides Tom and Charlie, none of the people I needed wanted me around. Matt was lucky that he didn't need people. He wanted people but he didn't need them. "I'll be fine. I think I'm going to ask Charlie to stay with me tonight. I don't trust myself to be alone." Did I just say that out loud?' I was confessing to things I never would have even considered talking about and I was volunteering updates on my emotional status. It seemed like I was becoming someone else.
Tom said, "You can try picturing me naked if that will make you feel better."
I laughed. "What?" An image of him from that morning popped in my head. He did have a nice body. I mean if I was going to fantasize and pretend I was some where else, being in a room with a naked Tom was definitely not a bad place. There was a knock at my door then Charlie just barged right in. Naked Tom quickly covered up and disappeared from my thoughts. "Charlie's here, I got to go." I hung up, but Charlie had already seen the phone.
Charlie sat on the foot of my bed. "So how is Tom doing? Is he having trouble sleeping because you're not there?" he teased.
"Haha. Tom is fine." I paused. I felt my face reign my rebellious smile back in and my face started tightening up again. "I'm the one with the problem." I told Charlie what I had done and explained it as best I could. Charlie reacted almost exactly the same as Tom. Charlie was calm and tried to make me believe that he wasn't judging me, but I knew he was. He was assessing me and my progress or apparent lack thereof and he was deciding his next move.
"Why did you tell both of us?" Charlie asked.
"I don't know."
"I think you do."
"I felt guilty."
"Yeah, but why tell both of us? Why not just me or him?"
"I thought you wanted me to share things with you."
"I do, but I think this gets at a deeper issue."
"Am I even crazier than you thought?"
Charlie looked at me and I could almost hear him say, `I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.' "Let's pretend for just a minute that I may be on to something. Can you at least humor me?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Okay, now what was the worst way you could hurt me or Tom?"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do." I rolled my eyes. "Don't roll your eyes. Hurting yourself was the worst thing you could do to us. You know how much we love you and how badly we want you to be better and you're not sure if you're ever going to be better. It's something that you want but it's not something you're sure you can attain because hurting yourself is a reaction to the world around you and no matter how hard you try or what you do, you will never be able to control other people's actions or in this case, lack of action. You lied about hurting yourself this morning because you didn't want us to be upset with you but you're confessing tonight because of what happened with Mom and Dad."
"That makes no sense. I'm confessing because I feel guilty. This has nothing to do with them."
"Let me finish. You expected Mom and Dad to be upset with you and to demonstrate a strong reaction to catching you with Tom but they didn't and when they didn't do that, it hurt you. You wanted them to be angry. You could have handled that. You may have even liked the fact that they were angry because then they would be reacting to something you did and they wouldn't react unless they cared. Them not acknowledging what happened was worse than anything they could have said to you. I know that. You're not interrupting me because you know it too. They made you feel like they didn't care. They don't know it and I'm sure it wasn't their intention, but that was the way it came across to you. Then you came up to your room and you had time to think about it and the more you thought about it, the more it hurt until you couldn't keep it in anymore so you hit your hand. The pain you felt was enough for a minute but that hurt was still there and you had to do something else. You didn't tell us so you could be open and honest with us because if that was the case you would have told us the truth this morning. You may think you told us out of guilt, but I think you told us because you wanted us to yell at you and be angry and give you the kind of reaction you wanted from Mom and Dad."
He had me rethinking why I told them and what I got out of telling them. I carefully considered his words and argued their validity until I came to the conclusion that he may have been on to something. I had expected Tom and Charlie to be angry with me. I was a little disappointed that Tom and Charlie had taken it so well. I was expecting more of a reaction from both of them. I just didn't want to admit it.
"I was feeling guilty. That's it. You don't need to analyze me and try to figure out my motivations. You have no idea what goes on inside my head."
"You're right, I have no idea what goes on inside that head of yours, but just answer this: How did you think we would react when you told us? Did you think we would be angry?"
I put my head down and whispered, "Yes."
"Did you want us to be angry?"
"Yes. No. I don't know. I wasn't thinking about that when I made my decision to tell you."
"I'm sure you weren't. You'd have to dig down pretty deep to get to the reasons behind your actions."
"How many psychology books have you read?"
"A lot." He pressed his finger against his forehead. "Don't be fooled by my good looks. I have a real brain up here."
"Okay Scarecrow."
"Huh?"
"Wizard of Oz? Scarecrow wanted a brain, Tin Man wanted a heart and the Lion wanted courage. Ring a bell?"
"Yeah, I get it. So if I'm Scarecrow, who would you be?"
"Well I have options. I could be Dorothy because I just love being the center of attention." Charlie laughed. "Yeah you're right, that's not me. I wouldn't be Tin Man because unlike him, I already have a heart. Sometimes I wish I could give mine back. I could be the Lion. I need courage to fight my inner battles. Hmm. No, now that I think about it, I know who I would be."
"Who?"
"Toto."
"Isn't that the dog?"
"Yeah. He was just kind of there, like Dorothy's miniature shadow or something." Charlie frowned at me. I knew being Toto could have good implications as well, but that wasn't what appealed to me about the story. "Matt would be Dorothy because he's the one who craves attention and all he wants is a place to call home. Plus I could totally see him getting hit in the head and imagining that kind of shit. And Tom would be the Wizard because he's that amazing."
Charlie started laughing. "How come even in this scenario, I'm lower than Tom? Couldn't he be the Tin Man or something? At least then we'd be on equal footing."
"Nope, Tom is too special for that."
"Oh brother, you've got it real bad."
I don't know what came over me, but I reached towards Charlie. "I think its contagious."
He avoided my hand. "I'm trying not to ever get that sick with love again," he said as he grinned at me. Then he grabbed my arm. "Who am I kidding? I got it bad too. We're both pathetic. You with Tom and me with Janet. It must be in our genes or something because I think we both love with everything we have." He shook my arm then let it go. "I'd give anything to be able to control how I feel about her." He flopped back on my bed, next to me. "I said this time I wasn't going to let myself lose it, but I can't help it."
"Did you talk to her before you came in here?"
"Is it that obvious?"
"Yeah."
He didn't elaborate so I left it there. Charlie volunteered to stay with me which made things easier because I didn't have to ask. His presence was a comfort. Every time I thought about hurting myself, I looked over and Charlie was there, reminding me that at least one of my family members didn't mind being in the same room with me. Charlie was there by choice. He wanted to help me and be there for me and assure me that someone, besides Tom, loved me.
The next morning was peaceful. Charlie must have known that I couldn't handle my parents because he took me out for breakfast. He talked about Janet and cautiously avoided the subjects we should have been addressing, like me hurting myself or my parents not acknowledging what they had seen.
The funniest thing happened on the way to school that morning: Charlie stopped by Matt's house and picked him up. I would have teased Matt for not walking across the street, but his face lit up so brightly when he got in the car that I couldn't bring myself to say anything about it. I smiled at him and said good morning then Charlie drove us across the street. Charlie told Matt that Tom would be bringing him over to our house and by the time Charlie was done with that sentence, it was time for Matt and I to get out.
Matt got out of the car and walked around to Charlie's door. Charlie rolled down his window and Matt leaned in and kissed him on his cheek. I gave Charlie a questioning look but he just winked at me and told me to try to have a good day.
I elbowed Matt as we walked in together. "Are you sure you don't have a thing for Charlie?" Matt looked at me and blushed. "Matt, you know he's straight, right?"
"Haven't we gone over this before? Yes I know he's straight, but that doesn't stop me from being attracted to him," he paused, "and you."
"Me?"
"Yeah you. Both of you are quite remarkable, but don't worry I know I can't have Charlie and you're with Tom so I guess I'll have to find some one else."
"You like both of us?"
"Yes, but I'll admit I like one of you a little more than the other."
"Charlie?"
Matt stopped and looked down. "It's not Charlie." He suddenly started walking fast and he turned around for a moment and said. "I'll see you later," then he kept going.
My mind became hyperactive. Matt liked me and he liked me more than Charlie. I was at my locker thinking about Matt liking me when someone pushed me. I turned around and there was Billy and James.
Billy started in right away, "Hey Sam, where's your boyfriend? Oh wait, he had to pick up his other boyfriend this morning." Billy snickered.
James added, "I heard he and Brian were getting it on in the parking lot yesterday."
"You heard wrong," I said. I closed my locker and started to walk away but Billy got in my face and pushed me against the lockers. He put his arms by my head. I figured he would hit me so I waited for him to do it. He glared at me but I didn't break our eye contact. I stared back at him defiantly. His face was so close to mine that I could smell sausage on his breath I wasn't afraid of him and he could tell. Billy took his left hand and pulled the rubberband out of my hair so that my hair fell down then he grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled hard enough to make my eyes water.
He leaned in on the other side, "Why would Tom want you when he can have Brian? You're a loser and you'll always be one."
His words were not new to me. I had said them to myself countless times and to Tom a few times. Brian was better than me in every way. I freely admitted that, but despite all the things that made Brian the obvious choice, Tom had chosen me. Tom didn't want Brian. Tom was in love with me. I had to keep repeating that to myself so that Billy's words did not renew their lease in my head. I didn't want to think those thoughts anymore. I didn't want to doubt Tom or us. Tom loved me. He had proven that to me time and time again and I had to believe him. Tom trusted me enough to take me with him when he went to pick up Brian.
Billy let my hair go and stepped back. His finger traced over the biggest scar on my face. "Nice scar," he said. His hand reached towards me again but before it made contact with me, he went flying to his right.
I looked down and saw Tom on top of Billy. Tom grabbed Billy's shirt. Tom shouted, "Why can't you just stay the fuck away from him?" Brian came out of nowhere and whispered something in Tom's ear. Tom stood up and approached me. He took my hand and led me away. We passed a teacher who was running in Billy's direction and I had a good idea what Brian must have whispered. Tom walked me to my first class. We stopped outside the door and Tom pushed my hair behind my ears then kissed me on my cheek. "I'll talk to you at lunch, okay?"
"Okay."
He smiled. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
"Have a good morning."
"I'll try." Tom grabbed my hand again and then he let it go. He let go so slowly that it was clear he didn't want to let go at all.
I went in my class and sat down. My heart was racing because I was still thinking about Tom's kiss and his hand holding mine. I could have been laying on broken glass and I wouldn't have felt a thing because I was too busy feeling good. Tom came to my rescue with Billy and then Tom walked me to class and kissed me on my cheek and told me he loved me. I figured he must like telling me he loved me because he did it a lot. It made him happy to say those words to me, but it made me even happier to hear those words.
I daydreamed all the way through my classes. It was like nothing bothered me. I didn't notice people watching me or talking about me or laughing at me. I was completely lost in my own world and for once, it wasn't a world ravaged with jealousy and insecurity. My world was good.
On my way to lunch, I passed James and Billy in the hallway. James puckered his lips and Billy smirked but neither of them spoke to me. I floated right by them. I was almost to the cafeteria when someone hooked their arm in mine. It was Sarah.
"I've never seen you this happy before. You're almost glowing. What happened? Did you and Tom you know?" I was shocked that she would ask me such a thing. We weren't close enough for me to tell her that kind of information. My cheeks began to feel warm. "Ooh, you're blushing. That means you guys did do something. Details please." I looked at her. "You are so cute. No wonder Tom loves you." She reached across with her other hand and gently patted my arm. "Relax, you don't have to tell me anything." She moved her arm and grabbed a tray. "I'll just ask Tom."
We went through the line together and I expected her to drop off and go to her usual table, but she walked with me to my table. I sat down and she sat down right next to me and then I started to panic as I wondered if she expected me to talk to her until Tom joined us. A tray plopped down next to mine and scared me. I looked up and it was James. I looked around for Billy but I didn't see him approaching.
"Where's Billy?" Sarah asked.
"Tom and Brian are having a little talk with him. They asked me to give them some privacy."
"And you left him? I mean I can't stand that little jerk, but he's supposed to be your best friend."
"Sarah, how many times must I tell you: I'm a lover, not a fighter." James sat next to me.
"Sam and I were having a private discussion. So pick up your tray and move your ass away from this table."
James put his arm around me. "You guys are stuck with me."
"James I know you have friends other than Billy who eat during this lunch period so go annoy them."
James rubbed his fingers through my hair. "I'd rather sit here with you two." Sarah screamed and James ignored her. James grabbed my hair.
Sarah swatted his hand away. "What the hell are you doing?"
"I'm putting his hair back in to a ponytail. That was how he had it before Billy pulled it out."
"Why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm bored so shut up." James grabbed my hair with both of his hands and put my hair in a ponytail. Sarah watched him like she thought he was going to do something else but she didn't say anything. When James was done with the ponytail, he put his hand on my back and I started to fell uncomfortable. His hand slid up my back and over my shoulder then skipped my neck and rubbed the side of my face. His skin making contact with mine shocked me and I looked at him. His hand flew away from me.
"What the hell was that?" Sarah asked.
"I touched his fucking cheek! Big goddamn deal!" He looked at me. "Trust me Sam, I didn't mean anything by it." He hit my ponytail and I felt it swing. "I wanted to fix your ponytail back so all the girls could fawn over you again. Since Tom picked you over me, I mean Brian, you should show the people why. Let them see that cute face of yours." He whispered, "Don't let them think Tom fell for a crazy anorexic loser. Let them think Tom fell for a cute crazy anorexic loser." He sneered then loudly added, "I'm joking," he paused, "about the cute part."
"James that's not funny. You're such an idiot. Why don't you go check on Billy?"
"Well I came over here to wipe that goofy smile off of Sam's face and it looks like I've succeeded so I guess I'll leave now." He stood and patted my head. "Hopefully Tom won't forget about you."
"James, shut it!"
"Damn Sarah are you like his substitute bodyguard until Tom gets back? I knew Sam was pitiful, but he needs a girl to protect him? That's just too much." James slapped me on my back. "You need to man up." He didn't say anything else and I turned and saw that he was gone.
"I'm sorry he's such an asshole," Sarah said.
I picked up my fork and took a small bite of my lasagna. "You don't have to apologize for him." I took another bite. I couldn't bring myself to look at her. "Did Tom ask you to sit with me until he came?"
"He wanted me to keep you company so you wouldn't worry. He should be here soon." We sat there and she ate her lunch while I nibbled on my food. I felt like I was being rude to her but I didn't want to apologize and risk her trying to talk to me again.
There was a hand on my shoulder and it made me jump and drop my fork. Tom kissed me on my cheek. "Relax, it's just me." He walked around the table and sat across from me and then his eyes went down to my tray. He didn't have to say anything because I got the hint. I took another bite of my lasagna.
"How did your talk with Billy go?" Sarah asked.
"I think he finally gets it and I didn't have to lay a hand on him."
"Where is he now?"
"He and BJ got in to a fight in the hallway and they're both in the Principal's office."
"Were you involved?"
"No, I was on my way here and I heard them arguing then I heard them fighting and when I turned around, Mr. Mason was headed right for them. There's no way they can get out of that one." Tom started eating his food.
Sarah asked, "How can you just eat like that? Aren't you wondering what's going on with them?"
"No, not really. My only concern is Sam and he seems fine to me." Tom looked at me. "You are okay, aren't you?"
"Yes."
He stared at me for a moment. "I'm glad you pulled your hair back," he said. "You're too cute to hide behind your hair. Sarah, don't you agree?"
Sarah laughed. "Yeah, I agree. Your boyfriend is cute. Speaking of which, what did you do to put a smile on his face today? Did you guys, you know?"
Tom blushed, "Not yet."
Copyright Lustyville 2010
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