I opened my eyes and Charlie was sitting next to the bed. "It's about time you woke up," he said. `Shit!' I thought to myself. "How do you feel?"
"Better."
"That's good." I sat up in the bed just as he was holding up the small notepad. "Did you read this?"
My first thought was that it was too fucking early to deal with him. "It's too fucking early for this," I said.
"So you did read it?"
I was grateful that my IV had been unhooked that morning because it made it easier to escape. "I have to pee," I told him. My feet quickly made contact with the floor and I ran to the bathroom. I was done with what I needed to do after a few seconds, but I wasn't ready to walk out. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and I thought about punching it then I thought about everybody knowing what I had done so I chose to force myself to throw up in the toilet instead. I'm not sure what satisfaction I got from heaving until my stomach ached and my throat was sore but the familiar feeling of having an empty stomach somehow soothed me. I flushed the toilet and then rinsed my mouth out with water. I watched myself in the mirror as I dried my lips with a paper towel. My reflection smiled at me and for a moment it was as if I had already beaten Charlie.
I opened the bathroom door and immediately took a step back because Charlie was standing in front of me. "What did you just do?" he asked.
"Nothing."
"Nothing? I heard you!" He grabbed my left arm and squeezed it. "How can you do this to yourself again?"
"I'm not doing anything."
"Yes you are! This isn't the old days. I won't pretend I don't see what you're doing. I'm done pretending. You're messing up and I know it and I'm not going to let you."
"What are you going to do to stop me?"
"I'm going to be here for you like I always should have been."
I pulled my arm out of his grip. "Your presence isn't some magical cure."
"You don't know that! I live with you! I can watch you all day if I have to, but I am not letting this happen again." I pushed him to the side and walked around him. I paused for a moment when I saw Matt staring at me then I walked to my side of the room and sat on my bed. Charlie was right behind me. He pulled the curtain and sat in the chair. Seconds later he started in on me, "How can we fix this?"
"We can't. I'm just broken, okay?"
"Not you, us. How can we fix us? How can we get to the place where you listen to me like you listen to Tom?"
"I don't know. Maybe we're not meant to be that way."
"Yes we are. Don't you get it? You feel broken because something in the family is broken. If we fix the family then we fix you."
`So he had a theory,' I thought. "It's not that simple."
"Why not? It could be, if we tried."
"We're not a family. You and I are the only ones here. Where's Mom? Where's Dad? Where's Kristy? Look around! You claim you care and if that's true then you're the only one of them who does!"
"Why would you say that?"
"None of them came to see me yesterday. My own mother didn't even come."
"That's not fair. Mom came your first night here and they were all going to come last night but I told them you were tired and they should wait until today. They're all coming this evening."
"Yeah right."
"You'll see."
"Yeah, I'll see, and what do I get when they come up with an excuse for why they can't make it?"
"Didn't they all come see you the last time you were in the hospital?"
"Well"
"It's a yes or no answer. Didn't they all come to see you?"
"Yes."
"So why would you think they wouldn't come this time?"
"I just thought"
"That's your problem! Try not to think. You seem to think all the wrong things anyway."
"Oh." I wasn't quite sure if I should be offended or not so I thought about it for a minute.
"Believe it or not, we all love you!"
"Yeah, I'm sure you all do."
"There's no need for sarcasm."
I heard the disappointment in his voice. "I know. I'm sorry."
"It's okay and I'm sorry for snapping at you."
"Apology accepted." I didn't know what else to say to him.
"Did you have breakfast yet?" he asked.
"Yeah, I had it a couple of hours ago."
"Wow, they came early."
"It's a hospital. That's what they do."
He glanced at his watch, "Well I have to go to my classes but I'll be back this evening, okay?"
"Okay."
He stood up and stunned me when he hugged me. I hesitated before I put my arms around him. "I'm coming back," he whispered as he squeezed me tighter. He pulled back, "Thanks for letting me hug you."
"You're welcome."
He left and I was positive I would see him that evening. My sudden faith in him alarmed me and I wondered where it was coming from. I couldn't let him win me over in less than twenty four hours. He had sentenced me to years of misery and I was not going to forget it like it never happened. I did however, willingly admitted to myself that it was nice to have him around and to have him talk to me.
I thought about his visit. I had been oddly pleased by the anger I saw in his face when I walked out the bathroom and he knew what I had done. He reacted like Tom would have and that was nice. He had hugged me before he left and at first I stiffened up because I was afraid of making contact with him but it didn't take me long to warm up to him and accept his hug for the genuine gesture it seemed to be.
A few minutes later I started to think about his motives. A thought crept in my mind and I wondered if Charlie's motives were really as genuine as they seemed. Maybe he only cared because he was worried about himself. I thought that for about two minutes before I realized I was being ridiculous and I wondered if he was right to tell me to stop thinking. I was thinking too much and I was trying to find some hidden agenda in Charlie's actions but I should have been taking his behavior at face value and just going with it and accepting it like I had eventually accepted his hug. He was my brother. He shouldn't have to thank me for letting him hug me.
I heard a loud sneeze come from Matt's side. "God bless you," I said.
"Thank you, but I don't believe in God."
"Me neither." We both laughed.
"Then why'd you say it?"
"That's what you're supposed to say when someone sneezes."
"I always wondered why people said that."
"I think it's because your heart stops beating when you sneeze."
"Really? That can't be true."
"I think it is."
The curtain went flying back. Matt was smiling as he looked at me. "I had to get a good look at your face to see if you were serious."
"I'm serious. It's what my mother told me when I was younger."
"Well when I was younger my mother told me that the devil lived under my bed and if I got up during the night he would grab me by my ankles and pull me down to Hell, and I think we both know that's not true."
"Did she really tell you that?"
"Yes. I believed her even after I was taken away. Fortunately, one of my foster brothers explained to me that she just told me that because she didn't want my dumb ass to disturb her at night."
"Didn't you ever have to pee?"
"She put me in diapers at bedtime."
He was smiling so I thought he was joking. "She did not!"
"Yes she did! How else did I get diaper rash when I was seven?" He laughed and that made me laugh even though it wasn't funny or at least it shouldn't have been funny.
"What did the doctor say when a healthy seven year old came in with diaper rash?"
"She didn't take me to the doctor."
"What did she do then?"
"They have creams for that kind of thing."
"Wow!"
"I pooped my diaper a few times and it was disgusting cleaning myself up the next morning."
"Too much information!"
"It's not too much information. We were talking about me and diapers and that was one of the unpleasantries of it."
"You shouldn't share things like that."
"Why not?"
`Because it's disgusting,' I thought. "I'm not really sure, I guess because it's impolite or something."
"Says who?"
"I don't know. Etiquette people."
"But we're boys, we're not supposed to have etiquette. We're supposed to be gross and pick our noses and fart and play in the dirt. It's what we're known for."
"Maybe but that's not me."
He agreed, "No, it's not. There's nothing conforming about you."
He was right. I was a non-conformist. Even when I tried to conform I still stuck out like a lone dark cloud in a clear blue sky. I was out of place every place I went except for Tom's home. His home had always felt inviting to me and I never doubted that his parents cared about me. I smiled to myself at the irony of the situation. I had an exterior that isolated me from the world when the one thing I wanted most was to be included. I wanted strangers to walk up to me and start conversations with me instead of staring at me from a distance. I wanted people to see through the make-up and the black body armor as Tom called it, and take a good look at me. I wanted someone besides Tom and his family and crazy people like Matt, to look at me and tell me I was cool.
My life was screwed up in that way. I pushed away the things I wanted most. I had done that with Tom and if he hadn't been persistent and understanding I might have actually succeeded in pushing him away, but he knew me and he got me so he stayed and gave me time to recognize my mistake. The world, however, was not as kind and patient as Tom. The world could care less about me and would happily move on without me as if I never existed, but not Tom. Tom would miss me. Tom would cry for me and curse the day that he lost me. That's why I was able to admit that I loved him. I loved him before he loved me and I loved him even more after I found out that he loved me. Tom was a walking embodiment of joy and sensitivity combined with an innate ability to love and a level of compassion that probably rivaled most saints. I was a walking embodiment of all that was depressing and complicated and full of misinterpretations and misplaced anger and aggression and fears and self doubt mixed with a hint of rebellion.
I smiled to myself. I was pulling thoughts out of my ass. I wasn't the walking embodiment of anything except maybe a pathetic loser.
"You're not a loser," Matt said.
"Huh? Did I say that out loud?"
"No, but I heard it loud and clear. You're not a loser."
"Yes I am."
"A loser doesn't have a boyfriend who calls him and wakes him up at the crack of dawn just to say good morning or a future mother-in-law who visits him in the morning and brings him a love letter from his boyfriend who apparently can't bear the thought of going nineteen hours without seeing him."
"For your information, it wasn't a love letter."
"What was it then?"
"He was just writing to tell me he wished he could spend the day with me again and he would be here as soon as he could."
"And he loves you so much and it's killing him not to be with you today and he can't wait to kiss your lips and play a little tonsil hockey"
"And you read the letter while I was sleeping?"
"Maybe."
"Maybe as in yes, right?"
"I plead the fifth."
"You plead the fifth when you don't want to give an answer that incriminates yourself, so that means you did it."
"No, it means I can neither confirm nor deny that my eyes may have perused the contents of the letter while you were napping."
"It means you can neither confirm nor deny on the grounds that by confirming, you will admit your guilt, which you have already admitted anyway so you might as well just confess."
"You think I'm guilty, but that doesn't mean I'm guilty. Maybe Charlie read the letter out loud while he was waiting for you to wake up."
"He wouldn't do that."
"I thought you didn't really know your brother that well?"
"I know he wouldn't do that."
"Are you sure?" His question got me thinking about it and he could have been telling me the truth. It was possible that Charlie read the letter out loud. "Relax. You're right! He didn't do it. I read it when you went to sleep. I just couldn't resist. Charlie did read it though, but he read it to himself. Your brother likes to snoop. You should have heard some of the questions he asked me about you and Tom."
"Questions like what?"
Matt didn't get a chance to tell me because my telephone started ringing and I answered it. Tom was on his lunch break and he called to say hello and see how my day was going. I told him I had gone down for a few tests in the morning and the results should be in by the afternoon but my doctor wasn't making his rounds until the evening. He was excited when I told him I might be going home soon and then he was ecstatic when I told him that Charlie had stopped by and we had a good conversation and he hugged me before he left. Tom applauded me on making leaps and bounds in the right direction and I didn't have the heart to tell him that I forced myself to throw up just so I could deal with Charlie being there.
As soon as I hung up, Matt asked, "Tom, huh?"
"Yes." I paused for a second then I told him, "You can't tell him about what happened in the bathroom when Charlie was here."
"You mean about you puking your guts out because you were so uncomfortable with Charlie?"
"Yeah, that."
"Fine, my lips are sealed with super glue."
"Thanks."
We wasted the next few hours talking and watching television and napping. It was around 3:30 when Tom came in to the room with a bouquet of daisies. Tom walked over and handed me the daisies. He kissed me on my forehead and said, "I missed you."
"You brought him daisies?" Matt asked.
Tom winked at me and turned around. "Matt I think Sam and I need a moment to talk about something in private." Tom pulled the curtain and I sat the flowers on the bed. I was waiting all day to see Tom smile at me the way he did as he sat on the bed. He was so close to me and all I wanted to do was reach out and touch him, but he beat me to the punch. His hand went behind my head and he pulled my head closer as he leaned in to kiss me. There was nothing tender or sweet about the way he attacked me. He shoved his tongue in my mouth and his other hand didn't even inch up my thigh, it just went straight for the gold. He finally pulled back from the kiss so I could catch my breath. "I missed that too," he whispered. He attacked my lips again and moved his hand from behind my head so he could push me down on the bed. He was half on top of me when his lips trailed down my face to my neck and I let out a shocked moan.
"I heard that," Matt said. "You guys could at least let me watch."
"Oh, oh Sam, oh God Sam, oh Sam!" Tom moaned. I hit him and pushed him off of me. He was laughing.
"Tom stop it!" I yelled. He kept laughing and I couldn't help but laugh with him. I was laughing from pure embarrassment though. Tom stopped laughing and stared at me. I began to feel self-conscious. "What?"
"You're getting really good at this whole making out in the hospital thing." I blushed and he kissed my gown covered shoulder. "One more kiss," he whispered, "or I'll start moaning again."
I couldn't say no so I let him kiss me. He tried to move on top of me but I pushed him back. "You said one kiss."
"Can't blame a guy for trying."
"Yes you can," Matt said. I jumped because I could tell Matt's voice was coming from the wrong side of the curtain. I looked for him and he was standing near the foot of my bed.
"Matt, does the word privacy mean anything to you?" Tom asked.
"Um, no, not really, should it?"
Tom smiled at him and I knew if Matt was a normal person Tom probably would have been upset. "Privacy means I want to molest my boyfriend without any witnesses."
"Oh, is that what it means?"
"Yes."
"So if I ask for privacy, do I get to molest your boyfriend without any witnesses?"
"No, I'm the only person who gets that honor."
"So what kind of privacy do I get?"
I touched Tom on his shoulder to stop him, "Don't encourage him."
Matt feigned a look of confusion, "Don't encourage me? What is he encour"
I held up my hand to cut him off, "Matt take a breath."
Matt rolled his eyes and sighed. "You're just no fun Sam." He crossed his arms. "I'm going to watch tv until your family gets here. Maybe Charlie will want to have some privacy with me." He walked back to his side and turned his tv up rather loud. I wondered if he was a little upset because we were leaving him out and I started to feel guilty. Matt muted the sound. "I'm not upset. I just don't want to hear what's going on over there. Enjoy your privacy." He turned the volume back up without waiting for us to say anything.
"He's worse than you," I whispered.
"How?"
"Constantly reading my mind." Tom started laughing extremely hard. "I wasn't joking."
"I know, I'm not laughing at that." He moved his hand and reached under his body. "I'm laughing at this." He held up the squashed daisies. "What idiot sat them on the bed?" he asked between chuckles.
"What idiot rolled on them and didn't notice?" I grabbed my daisies out of his hand.
"Hey, I was distracted."
"Distracted enough not to notice that you were crushing my daisies?"
"What can I say? You have that kind of effect on me."
He initiated another kiss. We kissed for a few minutes and then Tom must have felt bad about Matt because he stopped and suggested we talk to Matt. I didn't have a problem with it. I knew Matt was trying to pretend he wasn't lonely. Tom moved off the bed and pulled the curtain back and I suggested he sit in the chair because I didn't want my family to come and catch him cuddling with me.
The three of us spent the next hour watching tv and talking. It was a good day until Charlie returned. Charlie walked in and I was expecting the rest of the family to be with him.
"Hey Charlie," Matt practically shouted.
"Hi Matt."
Matt jumped up and ran to hug Charlie. I'll admit I had a quick flash of jealousy as I watched Matt and Charlie interact. Charlie had his arm around Matt's shoulder when he finally spoke to me. "Hey Sam."
"Hey Charlie."
Charlie looked at Tom and there was a hint of a scowl, "I see you're here now."
"Yeah, I came straight from" Tom's voice trailed off.
It was obvious Charlie wasn't interested. Tom made a face at me and left his statement incomplete. Charlie moved his arm from around Matt. "So Sam how was your day?"
"It was good."
"That's good."
"Yeah, I guess it is."
"It is," he said then there was silence.
"This is awkward," Matt noted for all to hear. "Somebody say something."
"The others are going to come tomorrow," Charlie said. "I forgot Kristy had a basketball game tonight."
"You don't have to make excuses for them."
"No Sam, it's not an excuse. It's the truth."
"I'm sure that's what they told you, but we both know the real reason."
"There'll be here tomorrow. I promise."
I had an intense urge to get out of bed and hit my head against the wall but I resisted the urge. I planted a fake smile firmly on my face even though inside I was breaking apart everything I had spent the day building up. It was stupid. I expected them not to come, but when it actual happened it hurt. I didn't want it to hurt but it did and I didn't know what to do with the emotions I was feeling. I had to find a way to release some of the pain because I could hear it screaming at me and begging me to let it out. I wasn't strong enough to silence it on my own.
I said I had to use the bathroom and Charlie gave me a sideway glance when I walked by him. I originally wanted to walk in the bathroom and be alone for a minute to make sure my face wasn't betraying how I truly felt. I went in the bathroom and locked the door. I looked in the mirror and practiced smiling but the longer I looked at myself, the louder the call to action became, until it overpowered all rational thoughts. I unlocked the door so Charlie could find me. If I had been thinking clearly I would have remembered that Tom and Matt were there and that meant they would also find me.
I wasn't big on sharing my episodes with anyone but I had to do it. I had to show Charlie what his false hope had done to me. I glared at the person in the mirror. I hated that person. That person was stupid for believing Charlie and I just wanted the person in the mirror to go away. I squeezed in the small space between the toilet and the side of the sink because it seemed like the best angle. Seconds later, my head crashed in to the mirror. When I pulled my face back and looked at the undamaged part of the mirror, I saw bloody cuts on my forehead and rationality kicked back in. I realized smashing my head in to the mirror might not have been the smartest move and I also realized that Tom was going to be upset with me. Charlie was the first person to come running in and see me standing in the bathroom with blood running down my face. The way he looked at me made me wish I had knocked myself out.
Copyright Lustyville 2008 Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com and check out more of this story and my other stories at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville