This story is completelyfiction and is made up from my brilliant mind.
Please leave comments:tunistony2@yahoo.com
By: Tony
Starting Over
Chapter 6
I stood there for awhile just thinking. Thinking about everything, while also trying to thinkabout nothing. I stood there just staring at the door that Cole had walked outof. His words were haunting me: "If you really liked me you would've never letthat happen". I don't know why this was affecting me so much. I mean Coleand I never really had much of anything, we didn't have a friendship or aromance, we didn't really have any type of relationship. We were just twopeople wrapped up in a weird situation where one person couldn't rememberanything except for his infatuation for this boy and the other person is justtrying not to get hurt in the process. Whatever relationship we could've had,would've been fucked up to begin with.
Eventually I had to go to class because this was only thebeginning of my horrible day. In every class I was just sitting there relivingthat memory over and over in my head, and just trying to figure out why I everwould do that to Cole. I don't know what kind of guy I was back then but Iwould never do that now. My thoughtswent from: how could I do that?' to: how could I let Kevin do that?' and finallysettled on: `How am I gonna make Kevin pay for what he did?'.
By lunch time I was fuming with thoughts in my head onhow I was going to confront Kevin. I knew I'd see him at lunch and that wasprobably the best time to talk to him. So it was convenient that the peak of myrage was settling right around that time anyway.
As soon as I saw him walk into the cafeteria I went tohim before he could get to the table full of jocks, and I pulled him aside."Hey, Kev I need to talk to you." I looked at him intently, "It's urgent".
He looked suspicious but willing, which was all theconfirmation I needed. I walked ahead of him away from the cafeteria and to amore quiet area of the school where not many people go to, which is the hallwaythat leads to the library.
I tried to actcalm enough so that I wouldn't give away my real intentions but it was hard.
"So what'd you want to talk about that was so urgent?" Hesaid looking genuinely concerned. I almost considered not snapping at himbecause he still seemed like a good guy, but obviously in the past he wasn't sogreat.
"I remembered something..." I said sheepishly and looked upat his expression which was a look of total shock but excitement at the sametime.
"Are you serious? Like this isn't a joke or something,right? Oh my God, buddy, this is great!" He was more than excited, he wasecstatic. It took me back for a second, but I regained my composure.
"Yeah, so do you wanna know what the memory was becauseyou were in it."
He looked baffled at how stoic I was, "Uh, yeah, goahead. I just think it's pretty cool that you're getting your memory back, soonyou'll be your old self again."
"My old self, huh," I scoffed at that and Kevin justlooked more confused, "You mean I'll be back to beating up faggots again,right?"
"Uh, what?"
"Oh that doesn't ring a bell to you? Really? I thought Iwas the one who had lost their memory. Well, let me remind you then. It was about a month before my accident and I wasstanding outside at the back of the school and Cole Blume was walking towardsme and you came up behind him then pushed him into the wall for no reason,called him a `cock sucking faggot' and then punched him in the stomach." I saidwith a huff, I could barely get all my words out because I was so filled withrage from just retelling the story.
"So this whole thing wasto yell at me about that stupid gay kid. What the fuck man? Have you totallylost it?"
"Maybe I have lost it but at least I can recognize howfucked up that was, while you look like you have no remorse for what you did." I said pointedly.
"Okay, first of all dude, it's you who doesn't remember the whole story. I walked over to you andhe was standing there for some reason, but before I could even ask what wasgoing on you were the one who startedcalling him names. I just joined in and then you were the one who pushed him into the wall. Maybe I did punchhim but you were egging me on. You gave no indication that you didn't approveof what we were doing."
Okay even with the newfound information I still wanted tohit him, "I don't give a fuck. That was the old me and I still didn't punchhim." I said while getting more in his face, trying to back him into a cornerbut he stood his ground.
"Oh, that's so fucking convenient, isn't it? That wasthe old me'," he mocked, "That's been your stupid excuse since you had thisaccident. I'm tired of it. Yeah, you lost your memory. I get it, but you didn'ttotally lose yourself. You're stillthe same goddamn asshole you were before, you're just more self-righteous now.And don't give me that bullshit about not condoning violence because even yournew self' is violent. If anything you're more violent now then you werebefore. Like the Sam incident, where you pummeled his face in until he wasbloody and half unconscious." He saw my guilty expression, "Yeah, don't forgetthat. So don't try to get on me about being a violent bully when you're thefreaking king of violence. Fuck youman!" He said the last part as he got more into my face a shoved me a bit.
"Look Kevin, I know you don't believe it but I am achanged person. I'm not the asshole I used to be. And I know I have beenviolent after my accident but that was only because I had to be. But I'm notlike you anymore. I don't pick on innocent people who don't stand a chance withme in a fight. That's just pathetic."
"You know what. How about you stop beating around thebush and start talking about what this whole confrontation has been about. It'sabout your weird obsession with that little faggotCole, isn't it?" I was giving him a death glare and my face was getting redwith anger, "Oh yeah, I can tell I hit a nerve there. What bothered you more?The fact that I said the precious F word or because I talked about yourprecious Cole? Huh? Why are you so fixated on him all of a sudden?" Then hisface twisted into something evil looking, "Did he offer to give you a blow job?Is that why you're suddenly so obsessed with him because he's willing to suckyou off? Or maybe he offered up his ass to you and let you do whatever youwanted to him. Because he's a little cock sucking slut who just wants somedick—"
Kevin was silenced by my fist hitting his face. I punchedhim. Right once he said that I couldn't control my anger anymore. I punched himsquare in the jaw with a right hook. It was like instinct, I didn't evenrealize I had punched him until he staggered back and leaned against the wallto hold himself up. He was holding his face while looking at me in total shock.I guess I had never hit him before. Well, there's a first for everything.
He recovered quickly though and stepped towards me again,"You motherfucker!" He came towards me and tackled me to the ground. I didn'texpect it at all.
I'd never been in atwo-sided fight before. The only violence I can remember being a part of wasthe attack on Sam, but this was different. This was personal, even though Idon't remember much I know that Kevin was my best friend since childhood. Evenwithout my memory I could tell that we were once close and even though I'vechanged I could still feel that connection I had to him. So it was kind of heartbreaking that we were fighting like this.
He was on top of me at first when he lunged at me and hepunched me a couple times in the face and said, "You're a fucking faggot," ThenI kneed him in the crouch and he was immediately down on the floor. I kickedhim in the stomach, but he got up quickly before I could get at him and hepushed me against the wall and my head hit the wall hard and I felt disorientedand he took that opportunity to punch me again.
I was just about to retaliate when someoneinterrupted, "Excuse me young men, what are you doing!" An authoritative femalevoice yelled.
We both froze and lookedover at the person and it was the principal, Mrs. Freidman looking scandalizedby our actions. "Both of you, to my office!" She pointed furiously down thehall.
Kevin and I just stoodthere for a second looking at each other, then she broke us out of our shock byyelling, "Now!"
We both quickly walkeddown the hall to her office with the sound of her heels clicking closely behindus.
There we were, sittingin the principal's office, me with a black eye forming and Kevin with a bloodynose. I already knew this wasn't going to be good.
Mrs. Freidman came intothe room and sat down at her desk facing us and stared intently at us as if shewas trying to figure out what to do. "I already notified the front desk to callyour parents." She shook her head disapprovingly, "This behavior that you boys haveexhibited today was shameful. I am deeply disturbed at what I witnessed."
I looked over at Kevinand he looked just as ashamed as I felt. I looked back at Mrs. Freidman and shewas staring right at me, "And you, Mr. Ellis," she looked down at a paper,"Matthew, isn't it? You were just in here two weeks ago, for another act ofviolence against another student. You were suspended just last week and nowyou're back at it again. Do you think you're above the rules of the school orare you just completely idiotic," She said sternly. I knew she was a ballbuster, but geez. "So what do you have to say for yourself?"
"I didn't mean for the...um, situation to get out of hand like that. I'm sorry," I said while trying tolook as sheepish as possible, even though I didn't really feel that bad forhitting Kevin, he kind of deserved it.
"Well, that's a nicesentiment, but this time it's not gonna cut it. Do you think I'm just going toallow you to slide by after you've displayed two acts of violence. When yourparents get here we'll talk about a suitable punishment." Then she turned herattention to Kevin, "Now, Mr. Lawrence or Kevin, I see that you haven't had anyprior citations before this so your punishment can be a week of detention. Iwill still talk to your parents but for right now you can step out of myoffice. I would like to talk to Matthew alone." Kevin didn't move at first,"That'll be all," she said with a raised voice.
He quickly jumped up andleft the office. Leaving me alone with the dragon lady herself.
"Now what are we goingto do with you?" she said with smirk.
My parents entered theprincipal's office looking like the epitome of livid, if looks could kill Iwould've been dead two times over. I had enough shame to keep my head down asthey sat down in the chairs next to me. Before I could fully contemplate about howmuch trouble I would be in at home, Mrs. Freidman cleared her throat, whichcaused all of us to look at her stern face.
"Mr. and Mrs. Ellis, asyou know I called you here because your son had another incident of violenceagainst another student," She said while looking pointedly at me over her glasses.
"Yes, we are aware butcan you tell us exactly what happened?" My dad asked with a heavy look ofconcern.
"Well I came into thealtercation a bit late so I think it would be more beneficial if Matthew toldus what happened. Go ahead Matthew," she gestured.
I was silent because Ididn't know how to explain the story without making me seem like the one atfault. "Um... I was talking with Kevin in the hallway and everything was cool andthen we started arguing then one thing lead to another and we started to fightphysically a bit," I said it quietly so that maybe they wouldn't fully hear me.But I knew they had heard me once my mom gasped and I saw her put her hand toher mouth looking astonished.
"Don't downplay itMatthew when I saw you two, Kevin had punched you in the stomach and you werein the act of punching him in the face. This wasn't just a little scrap, thiswas a complete brawl." Mrs. Freidman noted while still giving a stern look thatwould rival any angry librarian.
"I can't believe thisMatt, you and Kevin are childhood friends. How could this happen?" My mominquired.
I was about to try andexplain further but the principal interjected, "The reason why this happeneddoesn't matter anymore, the point is, it happened and this is not the firsttime that Matthew has showed an act of violence towards another student. Let meremind you that he was suspended for this same offense not more than a week agoand he's already at it again. This calls for a serious punishment." Mrs.Freidman said quickly as she was a getting a little red in the face fromgetting worked up.
"Yes, we know that thisisn't the first time Matt has done this and his behavior is inexcusable but hedoes still have his amnesia and that's probably causing him to act in theseirrational ways." My dad was defending me, for once.
"I am fully aware of hiscondition, however, he is being a danger to the rest of my students and Icannot condone this behavior. I have half a mind to just expel him right now,but our school policy is three strikes and then expulsion. And since he issuffering from a rare condition I won't be so rash, however, I can't just letthis go easily."
"Look, the last time gotinto a fight we agreed to send him to a therapist and now we've got him goingon a regular schedule. What more can we do?" My mom asked frantically.
"Precisely what more canwe do, is what I was thinking as well. So I thought it would be wise that wealso make Matthew also see a school counselor twice a week, once one Monday andonce on Friday for the rest of the school year,"
"Okay, that soundssensible," my dad perked up.
"Not so fast, He's notgetting away that easy. He is also banned from any school functions, thisincludes: dances, sporting events, after school activities. He also hasdetention for a month. Is that clear," she said sharply.
We all quickly replied,"Yes ma'am".
As soon as I steppedinside the house my parents were ready to attack. "Matthew Alexander Ellis! Youmust have lost your mind for sure. How could you get into another fight afterjust getting suspended not more than a week ago for the same thing," my momexclaimed. I've never seen her look so mad, it made me kinda scared.
"I don't know what gotinto me, mom. I'm sorry, honestly," I said sheepishly.
She got closer to me,looking almost menacing as she literally wagged her finger in my face, "No,Matthew, that's not going to cut it this time young man. Your father and I are outraged,"she said while gesturing for my dad to join in but he was respectfully stayingquiet in the background, so she just continued, "We know that you have thiswhole memory loss thing to deal, which isn't easy but violence should never bean option. And now you're on the brink of being expelled. Do you want toexplain yourself?" She asked with crossed arms and a frown on her face.
All I could do wasstutter and mumble something incomprehensible, "I – I don't really... um, I don'tknow what I was thinking," I babbled.
"Also Kevin is your bestfriend, how could this happen? We know that you would have some side effectsfrom the amnesia but I never thought that becoming a violent degenerate wouldbe one of them." She said in a frenzy, but my dad finally interjected.
"Linda," my dad saidfirmly and my mom looked up startled out of her rant, "I think that the boy hashad enough." I felt so relieved until he followed that statement with, "Let mesit down and have a talk with him," he said calmly.
My mom looked from himto me and then back at my dad and gave a nod, I guess his calm voice wasreassuring enough so she just said, "Okay," and walked off.
Then my dad turned to mewith a worn down look on his face. I could tell that the stress of my mishapswas getting to him and I felt so guilty for that.
"Sit down son," he saidquietly but with authority. So I quickly sat down on the couch as he sat in thechair facing me.
"What's going on?" Heasked. It was such a simple question that could be interpreted in many ways butat the same time, I knew exactly what he was asking.
"I don't –"
"And don't just say `Idon't know', because you know exactlywhat's going on,"
"So I'm guessing I can'tjust blame it all on the amnesia, can I?" I said with a smirk.
"Not unless you'reacting violent because you can't remember things, which I highly doubt is thecase. So please just talk to me. I know I haven't been able to have aone-on-one talk with you lately, and I regret that, but I'm here for you nowbuddy, so spill."
Where do I start? "Iguess I should just be honest. I don't really know what to say. I know that mybehavior seems to be crazy and irrational but believe me I've thought throughall my actions very clearly before I did any of it. And that is what's so scary, the fact that I did all those acts withoutfeeling much remorse."
"What's been causing youto do all of this?"
I was debating whether Ishould tell him everything (meaning the Cole situation and all) or if I shouldtell him an edited version of the real story. I looked up at him. He lookedlike a nice, distinguished man who is honest and kind and just wants to doright for his family. I knew that someday he could handle the truth about me,but right now he's already got so much on his plate that I didn't want to addany more stress. So I decided to give him the edited version.
"Dad, I'm having issueswith a person at school and it's not necessarily a `bad' issue but it's like anissue that involves a lot of feelings and miscommunication and... it's just complicated."I said swiftly, hopefully being descriptive enough that he would understand yetvague enough that he wouldn't fully get it.
He looked contemplative fora while and then looked at me with a knowing smile, "So this is all aboutrelationship problems? Man, I guess I forgot what High School was all about,"he said with an amused chuckle.
"Dad it's not as trivialas you think it is," I couldn't help but sound a little whiny because he wasn'ttaking it seriously.
"It must be if you'regetting into regular fist fights over this `relationship'."
"I mean this... person isvery special to me for some reason. Since I have the memory loss it's likeeverything's been erased and it's like I don't know anything, but one of thefew things that stayed with me is my...infatuation for this person. I don't knowwhy they're so significant to me, but if I can remember my feelings for themthen they must be important, right dad," I said sort of desperately as I lookedat him to give me validation.
I must have saidsomething to give him a hint as to what I was saying because his face got heavywith some emotion that I couldn't place, and then he recovered and looked likehe had come to terms with something. "So tell me about this... person," he saidsoftly.
I was relieved and I'malways ready to talk about Cole, "They're so nice and sweet and delicate, butwith an edge, you know. They're so easy to talk to and I wish I could always bearound them. But lately I've been messing things up so badly, it seems almostirreparable at this point. And not only have I been messing up recently butalso in the past, like before the accident, I was apparently a complete assholeto this person and I don't know how to fix all the damage that I did in thepast and all the stuff I've done recently." I said with a huff as I quickly gotmy confession out.
"Son, calm down. I thinkthis person will understand that you have had some tough extenuatingcircumstances that are making your life difficult right now." He tried toreason but I wouldn't listen.
"No, but he – I meanthey said that they don't want to deal with the `emotional rollercoaster' thatI'm putting them on and they basically don't want to have anything to do withme anymore. And I just don't know how to deal with all my messed up attempts toget this person to understand that I genuinely like them. I just feel like Ifailed."
"Hey, don't think that,okay. I can tell you're really trying. Let me tell you something that my fathertold me when I was going through a situation where I felt like I had failed. Hesaid to me, `son, when times get hard and you keep getting knocked down justremember that whatdefines us in life is how well we rise after falling. I've always rememberedthat and it helped me, hopefully it will help you too," he said with a warmsmile.
Thewise words from my father helped me more than he will ever know, because forthe first time in a while I felt like there was hope.
To Be Continued...
Love you guys and hopeyou enjoy this!
;) Tony
Comments/questions: tunistony@aol.com or tunistony2@yahoo.com (eitherworks)