Joshua
"Joshua, you have no idea just how true that statement is. There is not a human in this world that would place me as their type. I am not what you see."
What the hell does that mean? She's not what I see. But there is a change in her. A change in her eyes as she looks at Sean. No, you can't have him, he's mine.
"What are you?"
Shit. Just listen to the fear in my voice. I can't believe I'm afraid of this little wisp of a woman. But, didn't she just say she wasn't?
"I am many things. I am what is needed for those who wish to accept me. For you, I am the binder of your souls."
Not true. I searched my whole life for Sean. He's always been a part of me.
"No. We were one long before you came."
"Mmm, to a point."
I watch her set down her glass and lift her hands, palms facing, but not touching. And they start to glow. Oh fuck, this is beyond weird. They're glowing blue, but not the same color blue. One is light blue and I can see, it's the same color as my eyes. The other one is the dark blue I fall into every time I look into Sean's eyes.
"This is what you were before I came. Half."
I have to loosen my grip on Sean a little when he squirms and curls into my lap, resting his head in under my chin. His hair smells so fresh, so clean. Once he's settled, I tighten my hold a little but I feel more relaxed.
She puts her hands together, lacing her fingers. The colors combine, joining and blending, becoming a brilliant royal blue.
"And complete."
She pulls her hands apart, and the color separates into two distinct shades again.
"Do you see?"
I think I get it, so I nod. His hair is so soft, silky against my cheek. I can feel my need for him rising; my heart is starting to pound. It's his smell, rising from his hair, his skin. Concentrate.
She laces her fingers again and I watch the color change.
"This is you now."
When she pulls her hands apart, the color doesn't separate. It stretches and grows tight. Like a rubber band being pulled to its limit, it pulls back wanting to force her hands together again.
"This is the pain you feel. The incomprehensible need you have to be connected."
"There is more."
I hear his voice and my heart screams for him. I would take him here and now if she were not in the same room. I almost do. I have to make it to the bedroom. I have to have him now.
As I lay him on the bed, insanely pulling, tearing my way through his T-shirt, I feel his fingers clawing through my own. His whimpers are driving me mad, so close to the edge.
"In me...in me...in me."
His shorts torn and tossed aside, his feet push mine away and he flips me over onto my back, straddles, aims, and slides over my aching erection. Over the edge, I'm falling...into starlight.
What do you do when the only time you feel complete is in union with the one you love? What do you do with the ache in your heart when he isn't in your arms? I don't understand. I only know that we can never be apart.
"Shh, Josh, baby, don't cry."
Grasping his hips, so no connection is lost, I slide up against the headboard and hold him to me. I want to make love to him. I want to kiss every inch of his skin. But how am I to do that without losing that closest of joining. I love him so much it hurts, and all I can do is clutch him to me and sob into his hair.
Then she's here. Her fingers push the hair back from my forehead and when I look up, she kisses my eyes.
Darkness and starlight. I'm floating through what seems to be millions of stars. Bright prisms of color that pulse and shimmer all around me in the dark. First blending, then separating, then blending again. And she's there, in the midst of them, drawing them to her as she dances. They swirl around her, move within her, shine thru her skin. But she isn't her anymore. A phantom of color, a cloud of starlight. I can sense it building, growing. An explosion of light and color races through me. Darkness. Only a single star remains. It pulses, light, dark, royal blue. It rests upon my chest and moves within to wrap itself around my heart. I am complete.
She's gone, and he's lying beside me, face to face. His breath is shallow in sleep, his eyes moving beneath the lids as he dreams. I have to wonder if he's having the same dream. I don't want to wake him, my angel in repose. Just a light touch along his chin, a soft caress on his smooth cheek.
I've memorized Sean's face. I see it in my dreams, both asleep and awake. Yet, as I lie here next to him, it seems as though it's brand new. I marvel at the delicate slope of his nose, the curve of his chin. He has the face of a cherubic angel, sweet, tender, innocent. His brow furrows as he dreams, making him look even more beautiful. His lips, soft as rose petals, part as I brush against them.
With only the tip of my tongue, I trace along his full mouth, tasting the residue of the brandy. Sweet. I sigh, resting my head on my pillow, and watch my angel sleep.
We came to the beach often the summer of our meeting. Always trying to choose the times when Mandy was there. Sean had a special rapport with the girl and I tried to understand it.
He would sit with her for long times, holding her and stroking through her hair. To anyone that didn't know them, the thought would come that they were the lovers. Not he and I, though I was never far from them. And when we'd go, she would repeat what she'd said in the beginning.
"Take care of him for me. There's no one in the world like him."
Then she'd gently pull me down and brush her lips against mine and I'd know there was no one in the world like her.
Pools of wondrous dark blue, gaze back at me and I feel my heart skip a beat.
"What are you thinking about?"
"I have to be thinking?"
"I know you Josh. You're always thinking."
His fingers send currents of warmth and electricity though me as he touches my mouth. My body responds in an instant and I cover his face with kisses. This is my heaven. To have him so close I can feel his cock battling with mine. To taste his skin, to hear him moan and gasp each time I give him pleasure. And pleasure him I do as my tongue slides down his smooth chest to lick up the pool of precum building on his taut stomach. One light lick and suck, then I'm off to his inner thigh. His hands flutter, draw near, but he knows me well and digs into the bed, grabbing onto the sheets and holding on.
His breath comes in ragged gulps as I work around his balls. He's very sensitive here, almost to the point of ticklish, so I won't stay long. Back to his pulsing rod, licking up to the head and once more a little suck. His moans are growing louder, his gasps more intense as I lift his legs to continue my journey. Down to his tight love hole, to lick, to tease, to suck. I take my time, exploring the depths of him with my tongue and he begins to whimper my name.
"Josh. Josh. Josh."
I run my fingers through the precum gathering on his stomach again. I know it's sweet, I love its flavor but it has other uses for me now.
He feels my fingers at the threshold and pushes against them. One, two, then three, and begins to buck.
"Oh God, Josh. You're killing me here."
A hand releases the sheets and flutters convulsively in the air before reaching into my hair.
"Please. Oh please, Joshy, please."
My fingers removed, his legs over my shoulders, I slowly give him what he's begging for. Very slowly. In, out a little, in again and grind. I rub up gently on his prostate and watch him shiver. Harder now, faster. Both his hands are in my hair.
"Yes...yes...yes. Oh yes."
Okay, no more playing around. Time to drive it home. I pull out to the end and slam into my lover, sending us both over the screaming edge.
"JOSHUA!"
Starlight. He is my heaven. Always and forever, he will be my heaven.
The first year we were together, we were inseparable. The only times we were apart were the times I was working. He'd wait at the door while I drove away and he'd be at the door waiting when I returned. There were a lot of meetings with bullshit estate attorneys and his father's partners. It always amazed me how ridiculous these characters were; though, I imagine, if I hadn't been there, they would have gotten away with a lot. I was young, only twenty-three at the time, and they didn't realize how well I knew the legal lingo. When they started in with their double talk, trying to get Sean to sign over his, and his siblings, rights to company shares, they had him rightly confused. They got the shock of their lives when I stepped in. I made sure Sean knew exactly what they were saying and went over each and every proposal with him, eventually teaching him how to interpret on his own.
Yep, inseparable. Except for one week, when he disappeared from my sight. He left a note, cryptic though it was.
Joshua,
Please don't hate me.
This is something I have to do.
I love you.
Sean
I went to the beach and sat in the spot we'd met and waited for him to return.
"You're being awfully quiet."
His voice brings me out of my thoughts.
"Am I?"
We're sitting on the balcony watching the sun as it sets over the ocean. He has his brandy and I have my wine.
"You never did tell me what you were thinking about."
"Mmm."
"Josh."
I don't want to answer. I don't want to dredge up past hurts, but I can't get them off my mind either. I want to understand. I want to forget.
"I was just remembering our first year together."
He doesn't speak, but turns his head to look out at the water and furrows his brow. I wait. Eventually, he returns his gaze to my eyes.
"Does it still bother you?"
With a humorless smile I ask, "Which part? That you left me? That you loved her? Or that you made love to her?"