Chapter Nine: Returning Home
"Are you ever going to tell me what's going with you, or I am supposed to just pretend that everything is honky dory?"
Sara's question really caught me by surprise. It had been close to a month since I had gotten home from the cruise and I guess maybe I had been a acting a little different or something. Although personally, I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of not letting on everything that had been screwing up my thoughts in the past few weeks.
"What are you talking about?" I said into the phone, trying to sound annoyed. "Nothing's going on. I don't have a clue about what you mean."
"Andy, don't lie to me. We've been friends forever and you have been completely weird ever since Spring Break. I never know who I'm talking to anymore. One day you're all happy and excited and the next you're all mopey and depressed. And you never tell me why. I don't get it. Did that cruise warp your brain or something?"
"No," I said. "I've just . . . got a lot on my mind. That's all. And besides you wouldn't understand if I told you anyway."
I guess I really did want Sara to know what was going on. It had been really hard not telling her about Travis and about . . . well, everything really. But I didn't want to come right out and say it. For some stupid reason, I wanted her to pull it out of me.
"I wouldn't understand what, Andy? I can't understand anything if you don't tell me about it. So why don't you give me a try. What is going on with you?"
"If I tell you . . . you've got to promise that you'll never tell another soul," I said slowly. "I'm serious Sara. You can't tell anyone. Not Mike. Not your parents. No one."
"Whoa. This sounds serious. But I promise, I won't tell anyone."
"O.K.," I started. "I guess . . . I have been a little flaky lately. And you're right, it has to do with spring break and with the cruise. You know how I was totally dreading the trip, right?"
"Oh yeah. And who could blame you? I'd totally freak out if my parents dragged me along on some stupid cruise ship. But I thought you said it wasn't that bad?"
"It wasn't," I said. "In fact . . . It was amazing. It was the most incredible week of my life."
"Andy, I'm confused. What are we talking about here? How does the fact that the cruise didn't suck as much as you thought have anything to do with how you've been acting lately?"
"I'm getting there. The reason the cruise was so much fun was because . . . I met someone. And . . . well . . . I'm pretty sure I fell in love."
"Oh my God! Andy that's incredible! I'm so happy for you! And that makes perfect sense. I mean, of course, you fell in love but she, like doesn't live here does she? And you're in love but she's somewhere else! Wow! Where does she live?"
"Sara . . . You can't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you."
"God Andy, I don't know what you're so scared of. Jeez, most people would be glad to hear that you finally found a girlfriend. Mike will freak! I mean, you sure have used every excuse in the book. to avoid^×"
"Sara," I interrupted. "Listen. This is really hard for me, O.K.? I haven't told anyone about this, well almost anyone. I met someone. But it wasn't a girl. Sara . . . I . . . His name is Travis. I fell in love with a guy named Travis and he lives in California while I'm stuck here."
Sara was silent for a long time. "So you . . . oh my God . . . I . . . I had no idea . . . so . . . you're like, gay?"
"I might be gay," I said firmly. "I mean, yeah, I guess I'm gay. I . . . I don't know. I hate those stupid labels. I just . . . I've never felt anything like this before. It's . . . he's . . . incredible. I miss him so much, Sara." I was whining.
"Hey, its O.K., Andy. I promise I won't tell anyone about this. And, ya know, it's cool with me. Really. I don't care what you decide to call yourself."
"I'm sorry," I said. "It's just been so hard not having anyone to talk to. I mean, if it had been a girl, at least I could tell people that I'm miserable cause my girlfriend lives in San Diego. But because it's a guy . . . I mean, I can't even tell anyone what happened during the week."
"Well," Sara said. "Now you can tell me everything. And I expect to hear about every sexy detail."
I laughed. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you Sara. It's just . . . it's just been really hard lately. Two nights ago I actually told my parents about it and, well, that was really tough."
"Wow. Were they O.K. with you being . . . well, with you dating another guy?"
"I think so. It was kind of hard to tell actually. I mean, they met Travis on the cruise and they totally love him which makes me happy. But I think it was just such a surprise, ya know? They weren't expecting it. They've been waiting for me to a bring a girl home for so long that it's kind of hard for them to accept, I guess."
"Were they angry?"
"Oh no. You know my parents. They're great. They both said they loved me and they both were really cool, I guess. I just could tell they were . . . well, disappointed. I'm probably not explaining it very well."
"No, I think I know what you mean. Parents have dreams about their kids and sometimes we go and do our own thing which screws up their plans."
"Yeah," I laughed. "So um, are you o.k. with this? Are you mad at me?"
Sara laughed. "Yeah, of course I'm o.k. with it, Andy. I guess it just surprised me too, that's all. But now tell me about your boyfriend. I wanna hear everything!"
"Honestly, I can't begin to tell you about Travis. He's so wonderful. I really . . . I really think I love him."
"Wow. I wish I could say that about someone. What's he look like?"
"Oh ya know . . . just insanely perfect! I'll email you his pic. He's a little shorter than me, but really fit. He's tan all over. Well, almost all over . . . "
"Oh my God, Andy!" Sara was practically screaming into the phone.
"Well," I said. "You told me you wanted to know everything!"
"I guess! So what color is his hair?"
"Blond mostly. And, this is the best part. He sings. He sings so beautifully, I can't begin to describe it. In fact, it was his singing that made me realize what I was feeling for him. He sang a song that just went right into my heart and I knew right then that I had to be with him."
"That's so romantic. I can't tell you how jealous I am right now!"
"Well, you shouldn't be. I mean, we're like 2000 miles apart right now which totally sucks. And the worst part is, well, every day I feel like we just keep slipping further and further apart."
"Don't you talk to him or email him?"
"Yeah," I said. "We IM all the time and email and talk on the phone sometimes . . . but it's not the same. I don't want to just hear his voice or see a picture of him. I want all of him. I asked my parents about coming for a visit but they said they had to think about it."
"What's to think about? It's not like one of you is gonna get pregnant or something."
"Sara!" Now I was the one laughing and screaming at the same time.
"I'm just saying . . . if they like him and he's your boyfriend they should let him come visit."
"Yeah, I think they will. I just should have asked that at a different time."
"So you haven't told Mike yet?"
"No. I just think he's gonna freak. Ya know? I just . . . I'm really scared about telling him."
"You never know. He might be O.K. with it."
"Well, I think `might' is the important word in that sentence," I said.
"Have you told anyone else at school?"
"I haven't told anyone anywhere. I've told my parents and now you. That's it."
"Maybe it would be easier if you had more people to talk to."
"Maybe. I just don't think I'm ready for everyone to know."
"I was thinking more like the Gay Straight Alliance club at school. You know, Neil's thing."
"I dunno. I hadn't thought about that actually."
"Well, maybe you should," said Sara. "Mr. Walbaum's the adviser and I'll bet you'd feel better having some other people to talk to."
"Yeah, maybe. But now at least I can talk to you."
"Definitely! And thanks for finally telling me. I'm really glad to know what's going on in that crazy head of yours."
I laughed. "Yeah, sorry if I was kind of screwed up lately."
"That's O.K. Cute guys do the same thing to me."
We both laughed.
Once I hung up the phone I felt a lot better. It was nice to finally have someone to talk to. Sara and Mike and I had hung out together since like eighth grade or something and it meant a lot to me that she was cool with what was going on.
I thought about calling Mike, but I just wasn't confident that he would respond the same way. I mean, as close as we had been, it was becoming kind of obvious that Mike and I were slowly heading down different paths. He was always trying to date some girl or set me up on a date and no matter how much I tried to send subtle signals that I didn't really want that, he just didn't seem to understand. Plus, last semester, we got into a pretty serious fight. He had a party at his house when his parents were out of town and somehow got a lot of beer and, well, things just got a lot crazier than I was comfortable with. He didn't understand why I was upset and I didn't understand why he wanted to hang out with some of the people who were at the party. Although we patched things up, our relationship had never really been the same.
I heard a knock on my door.
"Andy?" my Mom called from the hall.
"Come in," I said.
She opened the door.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure. I just got off the phone with Sara," I said cheerfully.
"That's great. You know, your father and I have been talking a lot about our conversation the other night." She sat down on my bed.
"Yeah?" I was a little nervous.
"I just feel that . . . well, I want to be really clear about some things because we both felt that we didn't say the things we wanted to say to you."
"O.K.," now I was really getting nervous. What was she talking about?
"First, we want you to know how much we love you. There's nothing that will ever change that I'm not sure we said that clearly and you should know it. Second, we are very proud of you."
"What?"
"Andy, it took a lot of courage to do with you did. A lot of people your age wouldn't tell their parents that they're gay. And you did. And it made us really happy that we can talk about these things and really proud of you for being courageous enough to tell us yourself."
"You mean . . . you're not unhappy about it?" I was still confused.
"No, Andy. We're not unhappy about it at all. It just . . . surprised us. Let me put it this way. From the moment you were born, your Dad and I have only wanted you to be happy. And in our mind, in our dreams, we assumed you would wind up doing the things that have made us so happy. Like getting married and having children. So when you told us that . . . well, that the picture might be a little different, it surprised us. For sixteen years, we just assumed that you would fall in love with a woman. What you told us the other night is that our assumptions were wrong. But what your Dad and I have been talking about is how much we still just want you to be happy. To find love and to have a family of your own, whatever it looks like."
I got up from my desk and sat next to my mom giving her a hug.
"Wow. I'm so glad you told me that. I was really scared that I disappointed you."
"Andy, we're never disappointed in who you are."
"I love you," I said sniffling.
"I love you, too Andy."
"And there's one more thing," she said, standing up and heading toward the door. "I think you know both Dad and I really like Travis. And we're very happy that you two found one another. You are welcome to invite him to come visit us."
"Really?" I said excitedly.
"Of course. He's your friend, er your boyfriend. He's important to you so he's important to our family. He's welcome to visit any time."
"Thanks Mom! I'm gonna tell him right now!"
"I sort of thought you might," she said chuckling. "Good night Andy."
"Good night, Mom!"
I immediately got online to see if Travis was still up. We started chatting right away.
anmitchell@comcast.net: You're still on!
tplarson87@yahoo.com: yeah! I missed you! what are you doin back so soon?
anmitchell@comcast.net: You always say that! Anyway, it was a crazy night. I came out to my friend Sara.
tplarson87@yahoo.com: kewl! howd it go?
anmitchell@comcast.net: Great. She said I'd been a basket case the last few weeks.
tplarson87@yahoo.com: he he! see what love does? btw . . . have I told you missed you?
anmitchell@comcast.net: Quit that! I've got news to share.
tplarson87@yahoo.com: k (but I really miss you J )
anmitchell@comcast.net: I miss you too-LOTS! But listen to this . . . My Mom just came in my room and told me that she and Dad had talked and they're l ike totally cool with me being gay
tplarson87@yahoo.com: yay! I'm glad someone on this planet has cool parents. are you sure they aren't interested in adopting me? PLEEEEEEEASE. we might have to share a room, though, but I'm o.k. with that ;-)
anmitchell@comcast.net: LOL. You're getting me off track again . . . here's the best part . . . they said you can come visit! Any time we want! How happy am I? :-)
tplarson87@yahoo.com: really?! that's sooooo awesome! I can't wait to see you, cause, in case you didn't know it . . . I really really miss you :-)
anmitchell@comcast.net: LOL. Yeah, I was kind of getting that impression. So anyway, email me some dates and then you can come visit K? I can't WAIT to see you. I can't WAIT to kiss you.
tplarson87@yahoo.com: I can't wait to do all sorts of things with you ;-) o.k. I'll send you some dates.
anmitchell@comcast.net: Ha ha! You're such a bad boy! All right, I gotta to get to bed now. it's past midnight. Love you.
tplarson87@yahoo.com: love you too. sweet dreams Andy XO
The next day at school, I couldn't concentrate on anything. It seemed as if the only thing I could think about was Travis' visit . . . and we hadn't even figured out a date yet. I was so happy just to know that I would be seeing him again.
When I wasn't thinking about Travis, I was thinking about what Sara had said. About talking to other people and the school GSA group. Sometime after lunch I decided I was willing to give it a try. I don't know why really. It's weird because . . . on the one hand I wanted to tell the whole school that my boyfriend would be visiting me soon. But on the other, I wasn't really ready for anyone to even know I had a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend. I guess I figured maybe going to the club would be some kind of compromise or something.
The meeting was right after school and I purposely showed up late. I figured I could sneak in the back, check out what they were up to and slink out the door without talking to anybody at all. Luckily the meeting was held in Mr. Walbaum's room which made me feel at least a little less nervous. He had been one of my favorite teachers last year and I figured that there would be at least one friendly face in the room.
I opened the door and, as I had planned, the meeting was already underway. Neil Reynolds was leading things which was absolutely no surprise. I suppose this might be kind of mean to say but, if you had never met anybody in our school before and just showed up randomly one day, it would take you about 30 seconds to figure out that Neil would be the president of our GSA club. He was pretty effeminate, always wore wild clothing and was a total theater geek. Like most of the people in my school I had known him since Junior high. We had never been close or even friends, but I guess we got along pretty well. It was pretty much a kind of distant, casual "hey" in the hallway kind of relationship.
In all honesty, Neil was part of the reason why it was so hard for me to think about others in my school knowing I was gay. I knew what people said about him behind his back. I heard the jokes the guys told in the locker room and the sneering comments some of the girls would make. Even though I felt bad for the way people were mean to Neil, I never said anything. Otherwise I thought for sure they'd start treating me the same way.
Neil was in the front of the room talking about what the club would need to do in order to get a safe space' program in place. I had no idea what a safe space' program was or why we needed one, but I listened as he described what all was involved and what the club would need to do to make this happen. It was actually kind of impressive to see all the research Neil had done and all the materials he had gathered from other schools.
There were about twelve people in the room for the meeting. Most were girls I hadn't met. There were two freshman boys there who looked totally nervous. Actually, there were only three people there who I even knew. Aside from Neil, Dani Winslow was also there which really didn't surprise me much. Like Neil, Dani pretty much looked the part of your token high school lesbian. Or at least, as far as I knew she did. She had always been a bit of a tomboy, never wore any make up and for the life of me I don't think I ever saw her in anything other than jeans.
The big surprise, however, was the other person in the room I knew: Rob Thompson. Rob was a senior and was actually one of the captains of the soccer team. I couldn't believe he was here. In fact, I think he was probably the last person in the world I would have expected to see.
Although I would never have called it this until a few weeks ago, the fact is I had always had a crush on Rob. He was one of those guys who just seemed to be totally friendly and comfortable no matter where he was. While the rest of the school was totally hung up about which cliques people belong to and who was dating whom, Rob just seemed to get along with everyone. And, even more weird, everyone seemed to really like Rob. He was in band so he knew all the music people but he was also a jock so he sometimes hung out with the athletes. He was smart, so he was in NHS but he never acted like a nerd or anything.
And, of course, Rob was really good looking. And I feel pretty confident saying that since I had seen Rob (actually, quite a lot of Rob) in the locker room often. He was, without a doubt, the cutest guy on our team. And now he was definitely the cutest guy in the room.
The meeting wrapped up and Neil came over to me.
"Hey Andy! Thanks for coming to the meeting."
"Hey Neil," I said. "Well . . . it sounds like you're doing some good things with the club."
"We try," he said. "Ya know, a group of us usually go to Grundy's after our meetings. You're welcome to come along if you're interested."
"Yeah Andy, you should join us," said Rob coming up beside Neil. He seemed really excited about the idea.
"Ummm . . . well sure," I said. "I guess I could join you guys."
Grundy's is a local pizza restaurant place that is like two blocks from school. I got a ride with Rob and we met up with Neil, Dani and three or four other girls I didn't really know. We got one big table and the girls sat at one end while Neil, Rob and I were at the other. We ordered a couple pizzas for the whole table and Neil and Rob and I started talking.
The conversation was totally . . . well, it was totally normal. That probably sounds kind of stupid, but I guess I was expecting something totally different. But this was just like hanging out with Sara and Mike. We complained about teachers and classes and whined about homework and . . . stuff. It was actually a lot of fun.
At about 5:30 or so, after the girls had left, Neil looked at his watch.
"Hey guys, I have get going for rehearsal. Andy, I'm really glad you came to our meeting. I hope we'll see you at the next one."
"Thanks Neil," I said. "I had a lot more fun than I expected. I'm sure I'll be back."
"Cool," he said smiling. "See ya later, Rob!" Neil got up and started walking out.
"See ya, Neil," Rob said with his ever present smile. It was just the two of us in the restaurant. I realized that, as much time as we had spent on trips and in practice together, Rob and I had never really spent any time by ourselves.
"So what made you decide to come to the meeting Andy," he asked quietly. "I mean, if you don't mind me asking."
"Well, umm, I guess I just thought I'd see what it was about." I'm not sure why I was so nervous. I still felt like I had to pretend or something. "I was really surprised to see you there."
Rob laughed nervously. "Yeah, well I started coming at the beginning of the year. I guess I just felt, I dunno, like I wanted some different people to hang with and talk to and stuff."
"I know what you mean. So um, are you, I mean you're like^×"
"Yeah, I am," Rob said looking me right in the eye. "You?"
"Me too," I smiled nervously
"Cool." Rob stared at me, grinning.
"So . . . can I ask you something?" I said.
"Of course"
"Well, I guess . . . I mean . . . have you always known?"
Rob laughed. "Oh I dunno. Probably not always. I mean, I'm not one of these people who started playing doctor with my best friend at age six or anything. But, yeah. I always knew that I wasn't attracted to girls. I always knew I . . . I really liked guys. It's just taken me a while to admit. What about you?"
"What about me?" I asked.
"Have you always known you were . . . well, gay?"
"No," I said. "Not really. And still, it feels weird sometimes to say it. But, well, it's a long story really. It's only recently that I started to figure things out."
"Whaddya mean?" asked Rob.
"Well, I, I kinda met someone." I said.
"Wow. That's really cool. You're really lucky Andy," Rob said smiling.
"I don't feel lucky. I feel . . . I dunno . . . alone," I said.
"What do you mean? You've got a boyfriend, right? I'd say you're a lot less alone than most people."
"I guess. But, he doesn't live here see. He lives in California. And we haven't seen each other for a while. And . . . sometimes I just don't know if this whole long distance thing can work ya know? I mean, I feel like we're slowly moving apart simply because we don't see each other much. It sucks actually."
"I suppose," said Rob quietly. "But hey, it's nice to have someone, right? And I'm sure he's cute since he's YOUR boyfriend.
I blushed. "Whatever. Hey, I'm sorry about whining. I didn't mean to dump on you like that."
"You weren't whining," said Rob. "Besides, um . . . I like talking with you. It's funny that we've known each other for so long on the team but never really talking ya know?"
"Yeah," I said. "I was thinking the same thing earlier. I think this is the first time we've ever actually just had a conversation, I mean just the two of us. I'm pretty sure it's the first time you weren't bossin me around as captain, too." I started laughing.
"Hey!" Rob said smiling, "I'm not that bad, am I? I don't yell or anything like some of the guys do? Do I?"
"I'm kidding. You're a great captain. Everyone on the team likes you. You know that."
"Thanks," he said. "You suppose we should get goin?"
"Yeah," I said. "My parents will wonder where I am."
We got our things and headed to his car. Rob drove me to my house and we talked about the team and the GSA group on the ride over. He pulled up into our driveway.
"Hey," said Rob "I'm really glad you came to the meeting and Grundy's. It's . . . well, it's great you decided to come."
"Thanks. I'm glad I did too. So ummm . . . I'll see you at school tomorrow?"
"Sure."
I opened the door and started gathering my things. Just then, Rob took his hand and sort of slapped my knee gently.
"Andy, ahh . . . Mark Willis and I are going to the swim sections this Saturday. Ya know, to help cheer on Sam. Do you, um . . . wanna come along?"
He left his hand on my knee and made tiny little circles with his thumb the whole time he was talking. It felt . . . really cool.
"Ahh, sure," I said quickly, trying not to think too much about his hand. "Yeah. That'd be fun."
"Cool. We'll figure out the details later, O.K.?"
"Sounds good. Thanks again, Rob!"
"See ya Andy." He said smiling at me as I got out of the car.
I walked to my room in kind of a daze. I mean, if it wasn't weird enough to realize that Rob Thompson was gay, it was super weird to feel his hand on my knee. And by super weird I mean . . . awesome. I turned on the computer and hoped that Travis was home. It was 6:30 my time which meant it was just 4:30 in California. A lot of times we weren't able to chat until later. But as soon as I got online I saw he was already there.
anmitchell@comcast.net: Hey!
tplarson87@yahoo.com: yay! i was hoping you'd be here. i missed you!
anmitchell@comcast.net: I know. I missed you too! You wouldn't believe what happened today!
tplarson87@yahoo.com: didn't you just say that yesterday when your mom talked to you?
anmitchell@comcast.net: yeah I guess so ;-) But this is different. I went to our GSA club today
tplarson87@yahoo.com: GSA?
anmitchell@comcast.net: Gay Straight Alliance
tplarson87@yahoo.com: oh. cool. Meet any hotties ;-)
anmitchell@comcast.net: YES! That's just it! I couldn't believe who I saw there!
tplarson87@yahoo.com: you do remember our deal, dont you? ;-) who was there?
anmitchell@comcast.net: only . . . the CAPTAIN OF MY TEAM. Rob!
tplarson87@yahoo.com: captain of your soccer team?
anmitchell@comcast.net: YEAH!
tplarson87@yahoo.com: whoa. I had no idea so many soccer players liked to um . . . play ball like that :)
anmitchell@comcast.net: Yeah . . . well, it was really cool. He's a super nice guy. I'm gonna go to the swim sectionals with him on Saturday.
tplarson87@yahoo.com: really? hey I checked with my folks about visiting.
anmitchell@comcast.net: OMG! I'm so excited! That's awesome. What did they say?
tplarson87@yahoo.com: They said . . . I could come! And better yet, I asked if I could visit during our mid-spring break and they said yes!
anmitchell@comcast.net: KEWL! AWESOME!! You're coming to my house! I'm using too many exclamation points!!!!
tplarson87@yahoo.com: he he. yeah. So we'll figure out the details soon, o.k.?
anmitchell@comcast.net: YES! God I've missed you so much Travis.
tplarson87@yahoo.com: I miss you too.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPRING BREAK CRUISE January 2005
This is the continuation of a story I posted exactly a year ago. Sorry it took so long to write the sequel! There are seven parts to the sequel that will be posted over the next week or two in accordance with Nifty's guidelines.
This is a work of fiction. I hope you enjoy it! Please do feel free to write to me at: billynkyle@yahoo.com or you can try me on MSN Messenger or Yahoo Messenger at: billynkyle@yahoo.com. Comments and critiques are welcome.
This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs-NonCommercial License.
To view a copy of this license, visit http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd-nc/1.0/ or send a letter to:
Creative Commons, 559 Nathan Abbott Way, Stanford, California 94305, USA.