Spring Break Cruise (2)
--SUNDAY: DAY TWO--
Despite the fact that I was totally exhausted, I actually had a hard time getting to sleep Saturday night . . . er . . . I mean early Sunday morning since I didn't get back to my room until 1 a.m. or so. Part of it was simply being in a different bed, on a ship, in the same room with my parents and my sister. But more importantly my mind didn't want to shut down.
I kept thinking about Travis and what a cool guy he was. I had totally missed the boat (ha ha!) on my first assessment of him. I mean, he sure looked the part of your typical arrogant jock (no offense), but even in the short time we had spent together, I realized he was a lot deeper than that. I was really impressed by his honesty. I mean, we had hardly known each other for more than a few hours and already he was treating me like a close friend.
Eventually, I was able to settle my brain down enough to get at least a few hours of shut eye. I don't know what time I woke up but by the time I had my Mom was finishing up her morning routine.
"Hey sleepy head," she said. "You were out late last night."
"Yeah," I mumbled half into my pillow. "What time is it?"
"A little after eight," she replied. "I was just about to head up to meet Dad and Ruthie for breakfast if you're interested."
"Sure," I said, sitting up in bed. "I guess I was pretty tired to have slept through those guys getting ready this morning."
"Well, we all tried to be quiet for you," said Mom. "Did you have fun last night?"
"Um, yeah," I said. "I really did, Mom. I guess this might not be as bad as I thought it was going to be."
"I'm certainly glad to hear that," Mom smiled at me. "Why don't you get dressed and we'll go upstairs."
"Sounds good to me."
The breakfast buffet was set up on one of the outside decks called the Topsider. We found Ruthie and Dad sitting with Aunt Sarah and her family-her husband Michael and their twin sons, Matt and Mark who were eight. Uncle Pete and his family were at the table next to ours. Everybody seemed surprised to see me.
"He lives!" said my Dad with a smile on his face as we sat down. "Well someone was certainly up rather late last night. What time did you finally roll into bed? I don't think I even heard you."
"I dunno," I said stuffing my face with fresh fruit. "One or so I guess."
"Did you have a good time?" asked my aunt.
"Yes," I said, trying not to sound perturbed. I was still half asleep and didn't much feel like being the center of attention right now. "It was actually O.K. I met some other kids my age and we hung out for a little while. What did you guys do last night?"
"Well," said Aunt Sarah, "your mother and Aunt Beth and I had a wonderful time catching up at one of the piano bars while your father and uncles all headed up to the sports bar."
"We made flubber," said Ruthie excitedly.
"What?" I asked laughing.
"Yeah," she said, "there's this awesome lab were we get to make stuff and watch experiments and it was really neat. We have really nice counselors."
I was glad to see her so excited. I wanted Ruthie to have a good time and it made me happy to see her so jazzed. Even if it was just about flubber.
"Did you make any new friends last night?" asked my father with a sly grin.
"Yeah, Dad," I said. "You were right. I won't be moping around by myself all day. I'm not going to be bored. There are other people my age here. Anything else I was wrong about?"
"Now, now," he said laughing. "I just wanted to make sure you were enjoying your vacation."
"Well, I am," I said smiling. "As a matter of fact, I sort of made plans to go swimming this morning so if it's all right by you guys I'm gonna get my suit on and head up to the pool."
"That's fine, Andy," said Mom. "Dad and I are going to . . . well . . ." she started laughing. "I have no idea what we're going to do yet. But we'll probably be around here for lunch at noon or so if you want to join us. And remember our deal-your schedule is your own except for dinner. So if I don't see you before then, please be ready at 6. It's formal tonight so you'll need to wear your suit and tie."
I rolled my eyes and got up from the table. I walked around behind my mother and kissed her on the cheek. "Don't worry, Mom," I said. "I'll be there."
I grabbed a banana off the buffet line and headed back to our room. I quickly changed into my swim suit and Tevas, grabbed some sun tan lotion and a book and headed back upstairs to the deck.
By the time I got to the pool it was already starting to fill up. There were plenty of lounge chairs around but lots of people. I tried to look non-chalant as I made my way through the crowd looking for Travis or Susan or Kristin. After what Travis had said last night I was kind of nervous that it would only be Kristin and me up here. But after walking two laps around the pool, I decided that I was the first one of our little gang to arrive.
I found a relatively quiet area that had plenty of chairs and grabbed a seat for myself. I got settled and started reading.
Between the warmth of the sun and the comfy lounge chair, it took all of about five minutes of me sitting there before I actually started dozing off a bit. I guess last night's sleep depravation was going to be an issue after all.
"Hey hot stuff, wake up!" Travis said as he practically dived into the seat next to me. "How are you this fine morning?"
"You scared the crap out me, dude," I said recovering from his dramatic entrance. "I'm tired is how I am. I didn't sleep well last night and then my folks were up kind of early for breakfast and then I had to get up here."
Travis laughed at my tale of woe.
"Awww," he said. "Wittle Andy didn't get enough sweepy-weepy. Poor baby."
"Shut up!" I was cracking up.
Just then, Kristin arrived looking like a model or something. I guess I didn't really remember it from last night but Kristin was . . . well, she was hot. Even I, who tended be kind of aloof when it comes to noticing details about girls, even I knew she looked pretty amazing.
"Hello boys," said Kristin, setting her things down on the other side of me.
"Well hello hello," said Travis, kicking my lounge chair subtly. "How was the rest of your night last night?"
"Oh fine," said Kristin. "My parents stayed up for me, so it was probably a good thing I left The Stack when I did. It's like they thought I was going to prom or something. Parents," she sighed. "How late did you guys stay out last night?"
"Um . . . not much later than you," said Travis vaguely. "We talked for a while and then called it quits."
Kristin took off her swim robe to reveal, well . . . practically everything. She was wearing a pretty skimpy two-piece bathing suit that left very little to the imagination. She started applying sun screen to her arms and legs as we made small talk about our folks and their plans for the day.
"Would you mind, Andy?" Kristin said, handing her sunscreen over to me as she turned her back to me. Travis once again kicked the side of my chair, a little more noticeably this time.
"Ah . . . no. Um . . . not at all." I gulped, starting to smooth the lotion into her already perfectly tanned back. I was tempted to ask her if she had been fake-n-baking but I wasn't sure if that was rude or not, and besides, I didn't want to give her the wrong impression.
"Thanks Andy," said Kristin as I handed the suntan lotion back to her. "You have really soft hands."
"You're welcome," I mumbled.
"Well," said Travis loudly standing up. "I think I'm going to head into the pool. Anyone up for a dip?" As he was talking he started unbuttoning his bright, tropical shirt. Like Kristin, Travis looked damn good. The highlights in his hair looked awesome in the sun. He, too, was already well tanned, although I was pretty sure his tan came from the San Diego sun and not a tanning booth. As his shirt came off I noticed he had a line of hair on his stomach that went up from his orange, Old Navy swim trunks and faded away just above his belly button. I couldn't help but stare at him as he took his shirt off.
Sitting between these two models, I was pretty much ready to wrap myself in a brown polyester suit and hide out below decks for the next seven days. But I thought a swim might wake me up and besides, I already felt like I needed to talk to Travis alone after Kristin practically threw her naked body at me. (OK, so maybe that's a tiny exaggeration.)
"I'm in," I said getting out of my chair and quickly peeling off my t-shirt to reveal a far less tan, far less perfect example of the human form.
"I think I'll hang out here for Susan," said Kristin looking us both up and down like two sides of beef hanging in the window. "You guys have fun."
Travis immediately headed over to the far end of the pool, opposite where we were sitting. He jumped in and I followed. Like most public pools, it was kind of hard to do any actual swimming, but we sort of frolicked around for a little bit splashing one another and doing hand stands and stuff. After a few minutes Travis swam over to the side of the pool and in one graceful moved pulled himself up so he could sit on the edge. I hoisted myself up next to him.
"Would you mind, Andy," he said in a fakey falsetto voice. "She's got it bad for you man, I told ya."
"Yeah, yeah," I said. "You were right. But now what am I supposed to do? I mean I don't want to hurt her or anything but I don't want the whole week to be like flirty and awkward either." I was actually a little panicked by this situation.
"I still don't get why you wouldn't want to go out with her," said Travis. "I mean, I don't wanna pressure you or anything. But she is really pretty and really into you."
"I know, it's just . . ." I faded off. I was trying to find the right words to explain what I was feeling to Travis. "It's just that . . . well, when I was putting the sun tan lotion on her? A few minutes ago?"
"Yeah?" said Travis.
"Well, I didn't really feeling anything," I said. "You know, it's like I could have been basting a turkey or something.
Travis started cracking up.
"I'm serious, dude," I said, laughing a little myself. "I mean here I was doing what most guys at my school would give their left nut to do and there wasn't anything. No spark, no electricity, no Mr. Happy Pants."
Travis was in full scale hysterics by this point. I was still chuckling myself.
"Thanks for sharing," said Travis still laughing. "Well, for what it's worth. I can totally relate. Kristin doesn't do anything for me either. In fact there's only one person in our little group who does."
And with that he immediately stood up, still wearing a big smile on his face as he headed back to our lounge chairs.
I sat in the pool for a moment and tried to figure out what I thought Travis just said. If there was only one person in our group whom he was interested in, it would have to be Susan. But that didn't make any sense at all. They barely spoke to one another last night. Susan just didn't seem to be even in the same league as Travis. I guess it was possible, what with her clever wit and all. Still, I was having a hard time picturing Travis going after Susan.
I got out of the pool and tried to put Travis' mind game behind me as I joined the rest of the group. Susan had finally arrived. She and Kristin were going through the Navigator--the schedule of daily activities on board--to figure out what was going on today. I sat in my lounge chair still completely confused by Travis' comment a few minutes ago. I started applying some sun screen of my own to my arms and legs.
"Here, let me help you," Travis said almost immediately after I started. He grabbed the bottle and began rubbing the lotion into my back. Kristin looked up at the two of us and I could swear I saw her eyes glare at Travis through her sun glasses.
Meanwhile, Travis's hands were slowly sliding up and down my skin. He slid over my back with long, firm strokes. He worked the lotion into my shoulders and the back of my neck almost like he was giving me a massage. And, well, if I hadn't felt anything while putting this stuff on Kristin, I was sure as heck feeling something now. Definite spark. Definite electricity. Holy shit! Definite Mr. Happy Pants.
"Thanks man," I said, trying to sound totally cool as I tried to think of anything other than the incredible feel of his hands on my back. I stayed seated for a little while as I was, um, unable to lie back down right away. Eventually, things had settled a bit and I leaned back in the chair.
My eyes must have been as big as saucers behind my sunglasses. What was going on? Why did Travis' hand on my back get me all excited? And why didn't I feel anything close to that while I was touching Kristin?
The rest of the morning was pretty much a blur for me. We all sort of rotated in and out of the pool, cooling off when the sun go to be too hot and laying out, talking to one another the rest of the time. I tried to put some of the earlier weirdness behind me, although it was kind of hard since it seemed like every time I turned around, either Kristin was flirting with me or Travis would say something totally bizarre.
Eventually we decided it was time for lunch, which, like all of our meals so far, was awesome. There was a huge spread out and all of it tasted great. We grabbed a table for ourselves and relaxed for a while, enjoying the outdoor setting and the gorgeous weather. I tell ya, I could get used this.
After reviewing the days activities, the girls had decided that they wanted to go to a Yoga class that afternoon. Travis and I looked at each other and just started cracking up. Travis put both his hands on the table with his thumbs and middle fingers touching. He closed his eyes.
"Yooooooo gaaaaaaaa," he said in a deep, meditative voice. Even the girls were laughing now.
"Shut up," said Susan still laughing. "You don't even know what you're talking about. It can be a really intense workout."
"I'm sure it is," said Travis. "Sitting in a trance can really wear you out." We were all giggling.
"Whatever," said Kristin looking at her watch. "Well, we need to get going. By the way, they're doing karaoke at 10:30 in The Stack tonight. Susan and I totally want to do it. Are you guys in?"
"Umm . . ." I said looking at Travis, hoping he'd figure out a reason why we couldn't join them. Karaoke seemed pretty high on my list of Lame-Things-People-Do-On-A-Cruise.
"Oh definitely," Travis said excitedly. "We'll be there!"
The girls got up and waved goodbye as they headed off to their yoga class.
"You dipshit," I said punching him in the arm. "Karaoke? Karaoke! How lame is that? I can't believe you agreed to do that."
"I'm sorry man," said Travis laughing. "I had no idea you were anti-karaoke. Don't worry. You'll have fun, I promise. It's really not as bad as it sounds."
"Have you ever done it before?" I asked.
"Sure," said Travis. "Lots of times. It's easy. All you have do is read the words that light up. Trust me. It'll be cool. Now, what are your plans for the afternoon?"
"Well, I guess I don't really know," I said. "I'm actually kind of tired after last night, but I think I should probably work out at some point this afternoon. What were you thinking?"
"After all this food we've been eating, I think working out sounds like a great idea. I should probably find my parents at some point as well. They always complain that I never tell them what's going on. Not that they ever bother to ask me. Anyway, You want to meet up later this afternoon, like around four or so at the fitness center?"
"That'd be perfect," I said. I think I'm gonna go take a nap. This is a vacation, right?"
"You bet," said Travis smiling. "I'll see you up there."
I headed back to our cabin and found it already made up and very quiet. I opened the door to the verandah so I could get some fresh air in the room and then totally crashed on my bed. I woke up a few hours later just a few minutes before four o'clock and ran around quickly to get my work out clothes and sneakers on. Travis was already at the fitness center when I arrived.
"I almost thought you were ditching me," he said.
"Sorry, man," I replied. "I was dead to the world for a few hours there. So what are you up for? Cardio? Weights?"
"I definitely don't feel like lifting," Travis said. "I'll work out, but like you said, this is still vacation. Let's do cardio."
"Cool," I replied as we headed over to the mats to stretch out. We actually had very similar routines for our work-out, although Travis preferred the Stairmaster and I stuck to your regular old treadmill. But other than that, our plans were pretty similar. We took it easy and had a very relaxed, solid work out.
"You wanna get something to drink," Travis asked as we were wrapping up.
"Yeah," I replied.
We wandered down to the Topsider where the lunch and breakfast buffets were held. It was pretty quiet now since most people were getting ready for dinner or starting to go to the shows and stuff. We each got a fruit smoothie and found a table near the overlook.
Travis looked at me and smiled.
"Are you having fun?" he asked.
"Sure," I said. "Are you?"
"Definitely," he replied. "I'm glad . . . I'm really glad there was someone cool to hang out with here."
I looked around dramatically.
"Oh!" I said, "You mean me!" Travis laughed. "Well, I'm glad I could help. For what's it's worth, you're pretty cool to hang out with yourself. Cheers!" I said bringing up my half empty banana-strawberry smoothie glass."
"Cheers!" replied Travis. We sat for quite a while without saying anything.
"So, are you interested in Susan or what?" I said. "Cause I gotta tell ya you don't seem to be making much of an effort there. At least as far as I can see."
"Susan?" Travis looked at me with a puzzled look on his face. "Why do you think I'm interested in Susan?"
"Well, I mean, you said, or, I thought you said that there was only one member of our little group that you were interested in and it wasn't Kristin, so it has to be Susan, right?" I said.
Travis looked over his shoulder to the ocean for a second.
"Andy," he said slowly. "Neither Kristin nor Susan is my type."
"Then why did you make that comment at the pool? I thought we were supposed to be totally straight with one another this week."
Travis giggled. I didn't know what I had said that was funny.
"I was being honest with you," he said. For some reason he seemed to be a little nervous. "And I'm being totally honest with you right now."
"Travis, what are you talking about? I'm totally confused."
"Andy," he said looking down at his drink. "Umm I don't really know how to say this so I guess I'll just spit it out. So, ah, . . . I'm gay, Andy. The person in our group who I find really attractive is . . . you."
It took a second for what Travis just said to register with me. It didn't make any sense. I mean, he was so cool. He was so not . . . gay. How could Travis be queer?
"What?" I said. "I don't understand."
"Look," said Travis calmly looking up at me. "It's not that complicated. Kristin and Susan aren't my type because they're girls. I find guys well, ya know, attractive. I like being around guys. And I guess I thought maybe, since you didn't have a girlfriend and weren't interested in the girls around here that, well that maybe, um, you might like me too."
"Well I like being around guys too sometimes, but to shoot hoops and play video games with, not to fuckin' date," I said getting angry. "I can't believe you thought I was queer. You thought I wanted to climb all over you just because Kristin doesn't ring my bell? Well that's bullshit, Travis. It's total bullshit." I was speaking before I could even think about what I was saying. I felt so angry I didn't know what to do.
"I'm sorry, Andy," said Travis. "Really, I am. I didn't want to make you angry, I just wanted to be honest with you. Just forget about it, OK. I . . ."
"I'm not a fucking faggot," I said more loudly than I intended to. "Just . . . just lay off all right."
"I'm sorry, Andy. Really," Travis said with a panicked look on his face. "I am so sorry I misunderstood. I never meant for you to be uncomfortable. I was just so tired of lying to people and I thought I could tell you the truth. I didn't want you to be angry. Really. I didn't think this through. I'm sorry."
"Yeah. Whatever," I said to him practically sneering. "I need to go Travis. I have to get ready for dinner and I . . . I have to go." I got up and walked as fast as I could down the hallway.
Just like that my vacation had turned into a nightmare. I couldn't believe that Travis was queer. He seemed so normal, so cool. I had really liked him but apparently he was only interested in getting inside my pants. I was so pissed. I was so confused. It was totally unfair of him to pretend to like me when all he wanted was to do . . . what ever he wanted to do. This was all his fault, I thought.
He couldn't be right, I told myself. I couldn't be faggot either. I mean, just because I had never had a girlfriend and I didn't find the girls at my school especially attractive didn't mean I wanted to suck face with a guy. I just hadn't met the right girl yet, right? Just because I sometimes noticed good lucking guys didn't mean I wanted to be a girl, right?
But, damnit! Why didn't feel anything with Kristin? Why did I practically pop out of my shorts when Travis touched me this afternoon? Why didn't I think about girls in the same way that all my friends said they did?
Nothing seemed to make any sense.
And if all that didn't make me feel enough like shit, there was that look of panic that Travis gave me. He looked so sad, so crushed, and I started to feel bad for being such a total asshole to him. He had been really nice to me and I did really like him. I mean, I never would have been that mean to Kristin if I didn't want to date her, so what gave me the right to be that way to Travis?
I arrived at our cabin and I was angry. Pissed. I was mad at myself and I was mad at Travis and I was mad that I didn't know what I was feeling any more. If I had been at home, I would have hidden myself in my room and totally avoided everyone. But now I had to go into this little cubby hole I was sharing with my parents and my sister and pretend that everything was OK. This sucked.
I opened the door and discovered the three of them cheerfully getting ready for dinner, Mom combing Ruthie's hair while Dad was tying his tie.
"I was wondering if you were going to make it, dear," said my mother. "You'd better get changed quickly, we need to be upstairs in fifteen minutes.
"I know, I know," I gritted my teeth while talking to her. "I need to take a shower and then I'll get dressed. Can I meet you guys up there?" I so wanted them to leave right now so I could at least have a few minutes by myself.
"I suppose," sighed Mom. "Just get there as soon as you can." She turned and looked at me.
"Are you OK, honey?" asked my Mom. "You look a little flushed or something."
"I'm fine." I said. "Just sun burn probably." I closed the door to the closet that served as our bathroom and turned on the shower. I took off my work out clothes and climbed in. I was in the shower for maybe a minute when I heard the outer door close and my parents leave. Almost immediately I started bawling like a baby. Everything was so screwed up. I didn't understand what was going on in my head. I didn't understand how I had been so mean to Travis. I didn't understand why I wasn't like everyone else. I didn't know what to do. I just cried and cried.
After a while, I crawled out of the shower feeling exhausted but at least a little better from some sort of release. I wanted to curl up in my bed and hide for the next six days. But that wasn't an option. I knew I was going to have to be pleasant at dinner. Just like Travis had said the other night, I had to play my part. I sure couldn't go up to dinner and announce to my parents: 'Mom! Dad! Guess what? In the past twenty-four hours I've made and lost a new best friend-and he's queer by the way! Oh, and I almost forgot, I'm beginning to wonder if I am a fag myself!' Nope. I don't think that's exactly the conversation Mom and Dad had in mind for tonight. It all had to be sweet nothings. A fun day at the pool! A great group of new friends! Let's all hold hands and sing!
I put on my suit pants. Slowly buttoned my shirt. Tied my tie. Put on my suit jacket. I walked over to the mirror. I looked myself square in the eyes.
"You can do this." I said quietly and headed off to dinner.
Somehow I managed to survive the meal without totally biting anyone's head off. They probably thought I was just being your typical moody teenager but I really didn't care. I just kept a plastic grin on my face as best I could. Eventually, dinner came to a close and I was released from my role as perfect, dutiful son. I changed as quickly as I could in our room and told my folks about Karaoke at The Stack. I told them both good night and got the hell out of there.
I was actually debating whether or not I was even going to go to Karaoke. I knew Kristin and Susan would be expecting me, but I just wasn't sure I could handle seeing Travis right now. But where else was I going to go? They were actually kind of strict about letting kids into the bars without adults (not that I would drink or anything) and going to see some dumb Disney magic show right now wasn't exactly what I needed. After wandering around the deck for a while and just staring into the ocean, I figured I should go ahead and go check out the karaoke. After all, Travis probably didn't want to see me either right now so maybe he wouldn't show. I could always leave and tell people I wasn't feeling very good or something.
By the time I arrived at The Stack, the karaoke had already started. They had set up a little stage and there was a girl on there singing. Very badly I might add. I looked around and saw Kristin waving excitedly. She was seated next to Susan who was next to Travis. I took a deep breath and headed over there. I sat next to Kristin. I didn't even say hi to Travis.
"We were worried you weren't coming," said Kristin. "Here's the list of songs. We're all doing something."
"Umm . . . I don't think so," I said. "I'm a terrible singer so I'll just cheer you guys on."
"No, come on," smiled Susan. "We're all doing it. You should too."
"We'll see," I said. I looked over at Travis and he glanced quickly at me. He looked completely wiped out. I turned away. I felt like I should at least apologize to him for what I said, but I couldn't even look him in the eye.
It was a weird combination of pain and humor watching the other folks participate in karaoke. I tried my best to put on a cheery face but I really wasn't having much fun. Occasionally I'd glance at Travis and it didn't look like he was enjoying himself much either.
Kristin sang "I'm Every Woman" and while she looked the part, she had a terrible time staying on key. But we applauded and told her she sounded great. A little while later, Susan went up to sing, "The Greatest Love of All." Turns out she had a pretty cool voice and her performance almost allowed me to forget about Travis. Brad, who was MC-ing seemed really impressed and she got a great response from the crowd.
Travis was the last of our group to go. In fact, he was the last person in the whole Stack to sing. Brad called him over to the machine before he went up and they talked for a minute or so before Travis got on stage.
"OK," said Brad. "This should be interesting. Our last singer is Travis from San Diego and he is going to sing something from a Disney movie I'm sure you all know."
The recorded music started and I couldn't recognize what the song was.
"What's he singing?" I leaned over and asked Kristin.
"I dunno," she said with a confused look on her face. "He didn't tell us but . . . . Oh my God! I know this! This is from The Little Mermaid!" Kristin started giggling. Just then, Travis started softly singing.
I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see 'em dancin'
Walkin' around on those
Whaddya call 'em? Oh, feet
Some of the kids started snickering when they figured out what Travis had chosen. He was singing the part of a Mermaid.
But his voice was so clear, so pure. Travis was a great singer. I mean incredible. As he went on the whole room grew totally silent to listen to his amazing performance.
Up where they walk
Up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free, wish I could be
Part of that world
I was blown away. Travis sounded amazing. His voice was so beautiful, everything about him seemed to be communicating that song. He looked so confident, so sure of himself on stage. I found myself staring right at him. It was gorgeous to watch; gorgeous to hear.
What would I give to live where you are?
What would I pay to stay here beside you?
What would I do to see you smiling at me?
I started listening to the words he was singing. And I thought about how much fun we had together earlier today. I thought about our conversation last night. The idea of walking with Travis, of spending a day with him didn't gross me out, in fact it brought a smile to my face. I really liked him.
Where would we walk?
Where would we run?
If we could stay all day in the sun
Just you and me, and I could be
Part of your world
I remembered being with Travis at the pool, remembered seeing him with his shirt off and feeling his hands on my back. I realized that I had never felt anything like I felt when he touched me. Suddenly, all the confusion I had been feeling earlier melted away, or maybe it just didn't matter any more. It was like turning on a light bulb or seeing a hidden image.
I knew I wanted to be with Travis.
He made me laugh. He made me happy. For whatever reason, he even turned me on. I couldn't really explain what I was feeling, but somehow it made sense to me. And at that moment it seemed like everyone else in the room disappeared. I stared up at him and it felts like we were the only two people in the world that mattered.
He was getting louder and fuller, each phrase more passionate and meaningful than the one before it. His voice filled the entire room. As he started the last verse, he turned and looked right at our table. I could swear he was staring right at me, singing just to me.
I don't know when, I don't know how
But I know something's starting right now
Watch and you'll see, someday I'll be
Part of your world
The place erupted when Travis finished. Susan and Kristin stood up. I sat completely mesmerized until Kristin slapped my arm and I joined them in a standing ovation. Travis smiled and waved almost shyly. He quickly got off stage and came down to the table.
"Oh my God, you were amazing," gushed Susan giving him a hug. "You didn't tell us you could sing."
"Thanks," said Travis quietly. "Thanks a lot."
"That was incredible," said Kristin. "What made you choose that song anyway?"
"I dunno," said Travis, looking at me. "I just wanted to do something different and that song has been going through my head today." He took a sip of water.
I couldn't think of anything to say to him. At least, not right then. Not in front of Susan and Kristin. I couldn't even look at him.
"You know what guys," said Travis turning back to the girls. "I'm sorry but I'm kind of wiped out after that. I think I'm gonna head downstairs."
"Oh, please don't go," said Susan.
"No," said Travis again glancing over at me. "I think I had better. I had fun today. Thanks again guys."
"Will we see you at the pool tomorrow morning?" asked Kristin.
"Umm . . . . I don't know," said Travis quietly. "I may have to spend some time with my parents. I'll see you guys around." He started heading out the door.
"Wow," said Susan. "I wonder what's going on with him. I mean he was totally awesome and then seemed totally depressed about it. I hope he's OK."
"Yeah," I said getting up. "I'm gonna find out. Thanks for a fun time today guys. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Oh, do you have to leave, Andy?" said Kristin practically batting her eye lashes at me.
"I need to talk to Travis," I said quietly. "I'll see you both in the morning."
I quickly headed out the door looking for Travis. I thought I caught a glimpse of him heading to the back of the ship, walking slowly.
"Travis!" I called out. He stopped and looked in my direction. When he saw it was me he just kept walking.
I ran to catch up with him.
"Travis," I said taking grabbing his left arm. "Are you OK, man? The girls are worried about you."
"Just fuck off Andy," Travis said, yanking his arm out from my hand. "I'm fine, OK. I'm not some weakling you have to take care of all right. I'm fine. I'm trying to leave you alone and I wish you would do the same thing."
"Travis, I know you're mad at me and I totally deserve that." I said walking next to him. "I'm so sorry for what I said to you earlier today. I should never have said those things, Travis. I didn't mean it, honestly. You deserve to be treated better."
"No shit, man," he said glaring at me. "I accept your apology. Now do you mind leaving me alone? I really don't feel like being around you right now."
"But I need to talk to you," I said as I grabbed his arm again, leading him the last fifty feet or so to the edge of the deck to the same spot where we spoke last night.
"Last night we said we were going to be totally honest with one another on this trip, and that's exactly the way you've been with me," I said. "I can't tell you how blown away I've been by your honesty. But I haven't kept up my end of the bargain. I . . . I haven't been totally honest with you."
Travis' look softened just a bit, but I could tell he was still pretty angry at me. I slid my hand gently over the top of his on the railing. I felt him tense up.
"Travis," I started taking a deep breath. "I'll bet I haven't gone five minutes without thinking of you since we met. Last night, the reason I couldn't sleep was because I was so excited about meeting you. Today, at the pool, when you told me that you liked someone in our little group I couldn't stop puzzling about who it was. And when you put that suntan lotion on my back I felt, well I don't know what exactly I felt. But it was awesome." I gently started rubbing my finger against the top of his hand.
"Then this afternoon, when you told me that you were . . . that you thought I was . . ." I was stalling.
"Go ahead and spit it out, Andy. You can't catch it ya know," Travis said once again looking pissed.
"When you told me you were gay, I freaked out," I said quietly. "But I guess that's pretty obvious by now. And I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have been rude to you. More importantly, I shouldn't have lied to you about the fact that I . . . have felt something about you. But I wasn't able to admit it. At least not until now. Not until I heard you sing."
Travis's big beautiful eyes locked on mine. I kept pressing on.
"When you sang, tonight?" I said. "Oh my God, you sang so beautifully, Travis. I've never heard anything like it. And I don't know if you intended this or not, but I felt like you were singing only for me. And it made me realize that I really like you. More than like you. I . . . I wished that we could . . . like be together or something."
I couldn't breath as we stared at each other for what felt like forever. I wasn't sure how Travis was going to respond. I mean, he would have been totally justified in telling me to go to hell after how I had treated him.
Slowly the most beautiful smile I had ever seen in my life warmed his face.
"Andy, I was singing for you tonight," Travis said slowly. "When I chose that song I wasn't even sure you were going to be in the room. But it was totally meant for you. I wanted to be honest. I mean, even though I couldn't tell anyone what I was feeling, I could sing it to everyone." He slid his fingers between mine and our hands were interlocked on the rail.
Slowly, I leaned in and hugged him. He pulled back for a moment and we stared into one another's eyes.
"Andy, I don't want you to somehow convince yourself that this is who you are if it isn't," Travis said. "I mean, I don't want you to pretend to like me more than you do, just so we can hang out. If you want to just be friends this week, I think I can do that. But remember, all I really want from you is honesty."
"Travis, in all honesty," I said "I don't know what's going on in my head. I don't know if I'm, ah . . . gay or not. But, well, let me it put it this way. Two things happened to me today. The first is that Mr. Happy Pants was alive and well when you rubbed my back this afternoon."
We both laughed.
"The other thing that happened," I said more seriously "was that fifteen minutes ago, when you were on stage I finally was able to see through all my own confusion and figure out what I've been feeling. And it was amazing. I knew I totally wanted to be part of your world."
Travis grinned from ear to ear. He squeezed my hand and we stood there a little while longer.
"Travis, would you do it again?" I asked.
"Do what?" he said, confused.
"Would you sing something for me," I said. "I don't' care what, I . . . I just want to hear your voice again."
"Oh I dunno, Andy," he said. "I really don't have anything . . . ."
"Please," I whined a bit putting my hand on his arm. "It doesn't matter what it is. Just . . . something, anything."
Travis looked at me for a moment and then took both of his hands and turned me around so I was facing the railing. He stood right behind me with both his hands on my arms. He quietly started humming in my ear. And then, so quietly, he started singing. Just for me.
Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick, and think of you
Caught up in circles confusion is nothing new
Flashback warm nights, almost left behind
Suitcases of memories, time after
Sometimes you picture me I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said
Then you say go slow I fall behind
The second hand unwinds
If you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting time after time
After my picture fades and darkness has turned to gray
Watching through windows you're wondering if I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting time after time
You said go slow I fall behind
The second hand unwinds
If you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting time after time
The back of my head was resting on his chest. Whatever confusion I had felt earlier in the day seemed long gone. Being with Travis was right. This was where I wanted to be. This is who I wanted to be with. I turned around and faced him.
"Now it's my turn to ask you to do something," said Travis.
"Anything," I replied.
"Um . . . before we go downstairs, will you let me give you a goodnight kiss?" he asked a little sheepishly.
"Uh, sure," I smiled nervously.
Travis put both of his hands around my waist and pulled me close to him. He turned his head slightly and planted his lips on mine, gently holding us together for a few seconds.
"Wow," I said. "That felt . . . great. This trip just keeps getting better and better."
We both laughed as we headed back toward the elevators.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SPRING BREAK CRUISE January 2004
This is a story in eight parts, which are all complete and will be posted in the next few weeks in accordance with Nifty's schedule. Part eight includes more information about the songs/lyrics used in this story.
This is a work of fiction. I hope you enjoy it! Comments and critiques are welcome at: billynkyle@yahoo.com .
I have one other story posted on Nifty and if you liked this one you might check that one out. There's definitely a lot of similarities between the two stories.
Unfortunately, I never posted the end to that one. (Hence, the defined time frame of this.) Anyway, it's at: gay/highschool/summer-at-the-lake/ I do have a few more chapters of that somewhere (but still no ending!) and perhaps I'll get them posted. Let me know if you'd like to see them.
This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs-NonCommercial License.
To view a copy of this license, visit http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd-nc/1.0/ or send a letter to:
Creative Commons, 559 Nathan Abbott Way, Stanford, California 94305, USA.