Chapter Eleven: Confusion
"Dude!" Mike was practically screaming into the phone at me when he called Sunday afternoon. "What the hell happened to you last night? Why didn't you give me a call?"
"I'm sorry," I said. Feeling at least a little bad for not following through on what I had told him I would do. "I just kinda forgot I guess. I went out with Rob Thompson after the swim meet."
"Oh my God!" he said excitedly. "You're kidding!"
"No," I replied a little confused. "What's the big deal?"
"Well, you won't believe what I heard at the party last night. I told ya, man. You shoulda been there. Jeremy Tollen's parents were out of town and like both the entire boys and girls swim teams were there. But anyway, you won't believe what I heard."
"What?" I said sighing, expecting him to tell me that someone had gotten into some girl's bra or something.
"I heard Rob Thompson is a fag," Mike said quietly.
It felt like someone had just kicked me in the stomach. I didn't know what to say.
"Hello? Hello?" Mike screamed into the phone laughing. "Can you believe that? He's probably suckin' off Neil Reynolds right now." He kept laughing.
Now I was angry. I was angry that Mike didn't know what he was talking about and I was angry that he was being such a jerk about it.
"You're full of shit, Mike," I said annoyed. "You don't know what you're talking about. I mean . . . . how would anyone even know something like that?"
"Dude, I'm serious. Jeremy saw Rob going to the faggot group, ya know, Neil's after school club or whatever it is."
"It's the gay straight alliance," I said gritting my teeth. "Straight people are in it too, ya know. And anyway, why would you believe anything that Jeremy Tollen says anyway? He's always spreading rumors and none of 'em are ever true. This is all bullshit."
"Think what you want," said Mike. "All I'm saying' is the guy never had a girlfriend, he's all buddy-buddy with Neil and his queer group and if you keep spending Saturday nights with him people are gonna start wondering about you, too."
Once again, I was stunned into silence. Mike was right. If Jeremy had seen Rob go to the GSA meeting he could just have easily seen me there.
"Hello? Hello?" Mike yelled again. He wasn't a very patient guy. "You still there or are ya dreaming' about your boyfriend." He started laughing hysterically.
"I gotta go Mike," I said. "I have to . . . my parents want me off the phone." I lied.
"Whatever dude," he said laughing. "See ya tomorrow!"
"See ya." I said as I hung up.
I wasn't sure if I was more scared or more angry at what Mike had said. I couldn't believe he was being such a jerk. Mike's conversation was all I could think of for the rest of the day.
After dinner I decided I needed to call Rob and let him know what Mike had told me. There was no telling how many people Jeremy might have talked to this weekend and how much gossip would be floating around school by Monday.
"Hey Andy! What's up?" He sounded really excited to hear from me.
"Um, not much," I said. "I was wondering what you were up to."
"You mean, right now?"
"Yeah. I kinda need to talk to you if, ah, I mean if you're not busy or anything."
"No, I'm not busy," said Rob starting to sound concerned. "Is everything O.K.?"
"Yeah. I mean. No. Well, I just have to explain. Can we go some place and talk?"
I told him I'd pick him up at his house and immediately drove over there. Rob came bounding out the door wearing navy Adidas running pants and a Northwestern sweatshirt. I stared at him for a just a second. He looked, well, really hot.
We made a little small talk about classes and the weekend as I drove over to Cumberland Park. We walked over to one of the picnic benches and sat down on the table, our feet resting on the seats.
"So what's goin' on, Andy?" asked Rob. "You sounded a little freaked out on the phone earlier."
"Yeah," I tried to smile. "I guess I probably did. I don't know if it's a big deal or not but I thought we should talk about it."
"O.k.," said Rob slowly, edging me on.
"Well, um, Mike called me this afternoon. I thought he was gonna chew me out for not calling him on Saturday, which he did, but mostly he told me about the party that he went to. At Jeremy Tollen's house."
"The swim team party that Mark was gonna go to?" asked Rob.
"Yeah. Turns out Mike went too. He said it was a lot of fun."
"O.k. . . . and?"
"And, um well so I told him that you and I had hung out last night, and he, well he said that Jeremy had seen you going to the GSA club meeting this week and he was telling everyone at the party that you're . . . .gay." I looked over at Rob and for the life of me I couldn't tell what he was thinking. His face was totally blank as he stared straight ahead. "I told him he didn't know what he was talking about but he seemed pretty convinced."
He sat there silently forever..
"You O.K.?" I asked quietly.
"Yeah. I mean, I dunno." He kept staring straight ahead.
"I'm sorry," I said quietly.
"What are you sorry for? This isn't your fault. And . . . shit how could I have been so stupid? I should have known this would happen. The only reason I started going to those GSA meetings was because I was so sick of feeling so alone. I just . . ."
He started talking faster and faster, the tone of his voice getting even more emotional.
"I just wanted to know that I wasn't the only one. And what have I done to Jeremy or Mike anyway? I have never once even flirted with a guy at our school let alone dated anyone. And now they're gonna start dissin' me just because they saw me at one meeting. Shit! What am I gonna do, Andy? I'm not ready for this. I don't want people saying stuff around me behind my back. I don't want to be the butt of Jeremy Tollen's stupid jokes."
I looked over at Rob and that's when I saw it. For as long as I had known Rob he always seemed happy, always seemed content. No matter what was going on, Rob never looked down or angry. He worked so hard at making other people happy, was so good at being liked that sometimes it was hard to know what he was actually thinking or feeling inside. But not now. Now his eyes were filled with fear and no amount of phony smiling could change that.
"When we were on the cruise during spring break," I spoke slowly. "Some girls figured out that Travis was gay without him saying a word. And I totally panicked. I was so afraid I had to tell Travis they knew his secret as soon as I saw him. And when I told him I couldn't believe how he responded. He said he didn't care. He said he was tired of lying and that it was O.K. for these girls to know the truth."
"It's one thing for a few strangers on a ship to know," said Rob, annoyed. "It's something else for the whole school to know."
"Yeah, I suppose," I said. "But ya know what? Since I've come home I've come out to my friend Sara, I've told my parents and I started going to the GSA club. And each one of those decisions has been a good thing. Now I can let Sara know what's going on in my life; now my parents are letting Travis come to visit; and now I have a really great new friend."
I smiled as I looked over at Rob.
"But don't you think people will freak out? I mean, I guess I kind of see what you're saying about how things have worked out for you but . . . what if the rest of the school knew? Aren't people gonna, like, hate me and stuff? I don't know if I could deal with that."
"I don't know, Rob. I don't know." I was silent for a little while. "I guess I am beginning to think maybe it's not that big a deal, ya know? Maybe it's O.K. for people to know who you really are. Not everyone will be cool with it I guess, but, at least from what little I've seen, it won't be the end of the world."
Rob was silent again, lost in his own world as he stared in the distance.
"Besides," I said giggling. "You never know what can happen. Hunter Krause may confess that he's had the hots for you for the last three years and invite you to a sleep over."
Slowly a smile came over Rob's face. He turned to me slowly.
"I suppose that would be worth taking a few risks for," he said grinning. "Thanks Andy. I'm glad you called. I still don't really know what I'm gonna do but I don't feel as scared as I did a little while ago."
Rob laid back on the picnic table, staring straight up into the sky. I sat back with him and for the longest time we both just gazed at the stars, our breathing the only sound.
"There's the big dipper," he said quietly.
"Where?" I asked, totally befuddled by random maze of stars we were staring at.
"Right there," he said pointing to our right. "See that big box there? That's the dipper. Follow the handle and you can see the little dipper and the North Star.
"Cool. You know any other constellations?"
"A few. My Dad has a telescope so I've kid of picked up a few things."
When he was done pointing at the stars he put his hand down on type of mine and gently our fingers intertwined.
"Andy, I need to tell you something," Rob said quietly.
"What?"
"I really like that we've become friends. I mean, I like it a lot. I'm having a hard time figuring out how we knew each other for so long without really even talking. You're just such a great guy to be with and to talk to and I really enjoy when we're together. Jeesh I didn't think this would be so hard," he laughed nervously.
"Andy, I've done a lot of thinking about this and, well I just think you should know that I've had a crush on you for a long time. And ever since you came to the GSA meeting and we started spending time together I've only felt more and more attracted to you. I know you have a boyfriend and I'd never want to do something that messed that up but still I . . . want you to know what I'm feeling. Cause . . . well, I just wanted you to know." He squeezed my hand.
I sat up on the table and looked over at Rob. "You have a crush on me?" I asked dumbfounded.
Rob sat up. "Yeah. Is that so hard to believe?"
"Umm, well actually, yes! I mean, you're a senior, you're like totally popular, you're captain of the soccer team for crying out loud. And I'm just . . . I'm just a Junior who happened to show up at some meeting one day."
"Andy," Rob said smiling. "You know that's not true. You're a great guy. You're cute and fun and smart and . . . .well, like I said, I've thought you were pretty cool for as long as I've known you. I just never thought I'd be able to tell you." Rob had slowly moved his hand up my arm to the back of my neck. He gently pulled my face toward his.
I knew what was happening. I understood what Rob wanted. And I felt powerless to stop, as if I were no longer in control. My face moved toward him and I simply, happily allowed myself to follow along.
Our lips met and my whole body relaxed as I felt Rob's tongue gently meet my own. He moved his hand up from my neck into my hair and I wrapped my arms around him. It felt so good to hold and be held again, to kiss and be kissed. Rob carefully pushed me back onto the table. Again I didn't resist, I couldn't resist. I was only thinking about how wonderful I felt.
We kept kissing as Rob started grinding into me, his hard cock rubbing against my own through our pants. Then he untucked my shirt and carefully, tentatively touched my stomach. His hand felt so good against my skin. I twitched as his strong, warm fingers met my flesh. He slid lower and lower until his fingers were at the top of my jeans. I knew I couldn't let him go on and yet I couldn't imagine stopping. He kept moving his hand, first one finger than each of them slowly sliding under the waistband of my boxer-briefs until I could feel the tips of his fingers grazing against the top of my pubes.
"Rob, I . . . ." I took my hand and pushed him out of my pants. "I can't . . . I can't do this." He stared into my eyes for a moment and then rolled over on his back next to me. I looked over at him "I'm sorry, really, I just . . . I can't."
Rob looked at me and sighed. "I know. It's my fault. I shouldn't have done that. It wasn't fair." His eyes were once again betraying what he actually felt. He looked so scared. So alone.
"I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it," I said blushing, trying to cheer him up somehow. I reached over and put my hand on his chest. "If things were different . . . . well, I guess that's just it. Things aren't different. I can't do that to Travis."
"I know. And I was serious about what I said earlier Andy. I don't want to be responsible for changing anything between you guys. Even if I am insanely jealous of him. I guess I just wanted to know what it felt like. To be with someone . . . to be with a guy who is as wonderful as you. I'm really sorry. I shoulda known this couldn't work."
"Rob, look I'm glad you told me how you felt. And like I said it's not you. It' just that I have-"
"Travis," he said interrupting. "I know. I get it". He forced a smile even though I could tell he was still pretty sad.
We both leaned back on the table again, my hand slid into his and we stared at the stars.
"You'll find him, ya know," I said after a little while.
"Who?"
"Your Travis. The guy who makes you happy just when you hear him breath on the other end of the phone; the guy who you can't go a day or an hour without thinking about. The guy you're supposed to fall in love with."
Rob looked at me and I thought he was going to say something. But then he turned his face away slowly and just squeezed my hand.
After a little while we walked silently back to my car still holding hands. We didn't talk much on the way home. I felt bad, like I had somehow let Rob down, somehow hurt him. I wanted him to know how awesome I thought he was, how great he made me feel when we were together. But I worried that might confuse matters even more, that he might take it the wrong way. And so I didn't say anything and he didn't either. We rode home, neither of us happy, neither of us able to say what we wanted.
After dropping Rob off at his house, I drove around for a while, trying to figure out what had just happened. I couldn't believe that Rob had a crush on me. He was so amazing, such a cool guy in our school and for some reason he really liked me. And not just as a teammate! It was incredible to feel so wanted, so desired, by somebody that handsome and popular.
Over and over I kept replaying the night's events, trying to figure out what I was really feeling. I was sure I had made a mistake, done something wrong at the park but I couldn't understand what. Maybe I shouldn't have let him kiss me. Maybe we should have gone further. Maybe Rob just wanted to fool around a little bit. Maybe I could feel for him the same things I had felt for Travis. Maybe not.
And what about Travis? Was I just fooling myself into believing we could actually maintain any sort of relationship via email and phone calls? I thought about how hard it had been lately for us to really talk like we had done on the ship. Maybe . . . maybe the whole long distance thing doesn't work. Maybe . . . . it was time to start thinking about . . . . a change.
I got home really late and Mom was not very happy with me. I told her I promised it wouldn't happen again and headed to my room. My cell phone chirped at me from under a pile of stuff on my desk. I picked it up and saw that Travis had left a message. He left a message because it was Sunday night. Our night. The night we had always talked, every single week since the cruise. Until now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------- SPRING BREAK CRUISE January 2005
This is the continuation of a story I posted exactly a year ago. Sorry it took so long to write the sequel! There are seven parts to the sequel that will be posted over the next week or two in accordance with Nifty's guidelines.
This is a work of fiction. I hope you enjoy it! Please do feel free to write to me at: billynkyle@yahoo.com or you can try me on MSN Messenger or Yahoo Messenger at: billynkyle@yahoo.com. Comments and critiques are welcome.
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