Chapter Ten: Out with Rob
For as long as I can remember, my Dad has fixed home made waffles for breakfast on Saturdays. It wasn't until I got to high school that it even occurred to me that a lot of families don't do that. But in our house, Saturday breakfast is a big deal, a long, warm family event. As I grabbed my seat, I told Mom and Dad about the plans that Travis had emailed me about his visit.
"Travis wants to come visit in May. Is that all right?" I was kind of excited.
"Your friend from the cruise?" asked Ruthie.
"Yeah! Mom and Dad said Travis could come visit. Is that o.k. with you, Miss Know-it-all?"
"I like Travis," replied Ruthie. "I wish he were my brother some times," she made a silly face.
"Well," said my Mom. "I don't see anything wrong with that.
"Cool!" I said finishing off the last bit of my waffles. "I think it's just gonna be a weekend thing but I'll tell him you said it's all right. Oh . . . and I forgot to tell you, but I'm going with some friends to the swim sectionals this afternoon. O.k.?"
"I'm not sure if that was a question or a statement," said my Dad. "Are you going with Mike and Sara?"
"Um . . . no actually. Some guys from the soccer team. Rob and Mark. You may not know them."
"Well," said Mom "just be home in time for dinner. And bring your phone."
"Thanks!" I practically ran upstairs in order to get online with Travis. Of course, he wasn't online when I got there (I guess it was like 7 o'clock or something in California) so I took a shower and cleaned up my room for a bit, waiting for his icon to finally show up.
When he finally got online we talked for a long time about his visit. He seemed really excited about it which made me happy. Better still, tomorrow was Sunday which meant we'd talk on the phone. Ever since the cruise, we had gotten into the habit of calling one another on Sunday evenings. Occasionally, we called at other times, but, well, at least before our parents knew what was going on, we were a little scared about spending so much time on the phone. So usually we chatted online and saved our phone conversations for Sundays. It's funny, but it made them kind of special or something. We could chat and chat all week long, but there was still something great about finally hearing his voice.
At around 3 or so, Rob called about the swim meet. He offered to drive to the meet and came by around 3:30. We got to the meet and met up with Mark Willis. Like Rob, Mark was a senior on the soccer team. But unlike Rob, Mark was pure jock. By which I mean he lived and breathed sports and didn't seem to understand how anyone could have anything else in their life that might interest them. I had never really gotten to know Mark very much, but what I had seen kind of annoyed me. I always thought he was just way too competitive.
The three of us found a spot in the bleachers, with Rob sitting between Mark and me. I had never actually been to a swim meet before, even though I knew couple of guys on the team. Rob, of course, knew practically everyone and how the whole thing was set up.
Right around the start of the second race, I noticed Rob's knee sort of tapping mine, like, on purpose. I looked down and noticed that he had his left hand on his knee with two fingers out, tapping them in rhythm as well. I looked over at him and he smiled. He moved his eyes, as if pointing, over to where the swimmers were lined up. I looked up and down the row and finally realized that all the lanes were numbered. And the guy in lane two was really cute. I looked back to Rob with a smile and started laughing. Here we were in the middle of the school, right next to Mark and Rob was ever so quietly pointing out cute guys to me!
We spent most of the race like that, silently telling one another who we thought looked good. And since all these guys were in their rather snug swimsuits, we had quite a lot to evaluate. Occasionally, one of us would point out a guy the other didn't think was cute. But for the most part we seemed to see things pretty similarly.
Our friend Sam (who, after all, was the whole reason that Rob said we were here-not to ogle cute swimmers, although come to think of it, seeing Sam in his swim suit was worth some ogling too) was in one of the last races. Sam's name isn't actually Sam. It's Scott Andrew Mattheson and for as long as I've known him, he's always gone by his initials: Sam. In every class I had ever had with Sam, his name was always called right before mine for attendance. And every year, he would explain to teachers that he preferred to go by "Sam" rather than "Scott." I had heard him give that speech so many times, I could have delivered it myself. He is a really nice guy once you get to know him. But he's so shy and so wrapped up in his sports that I know some people think he's arrogant or something which is too bad.
Anyway, Sam was actually one of the best athletes in our school, but not in any of the big sports. He was our best player on the soccer team during the Fall, and now in the Winter he was definitely favored to go to the state swim meet in the back stroke. Mark, Rob and I stood through his entire race, cheering him on. Of course, he won easily which was really cool.
Immediately after the meet, the three of us headed down to congratulate Sam. He was really excited and totally psyched about moving on. In fact, our whole team did really well so just about everyone was in a good mood.
Sam told us about a party that one of the swimmers was having and Mark was immediately ready to sign-up. I didn't say anything although I really didn't want to go to a swim party (these sorts of things weren't really my scene). I didn't have anything else better in mind, but I knew I didn't really want to go over to someone's overcrowded house and drink smuggled beer. Luckily, Rob said that he had some other plans for the evening and wouldn't be able to go so I didn't feel super lame or anything when I bowed out.
Eventually we went our separate ways and Rob and I got into his car.
"So, um . . . what are your plans for the evening?" asked Rob.
"Oh I dunno," I said trying to come up with a quick lie that would make me somehow seem popular or cool. "I'll probably see what Mike is up to."
"Mike Saxon?"
"Yeah," I said. "We're really good friends."
"Oh," said Rob. "Cause I was thinking that, I mean, if you wanted maybe you'd like to go grab some dinner or something."
"I thought you had other plans. Like you said to Sam and Mark." I said a little confused.
Rob laughed. "Well, not really. I mean, I do have plans to go out a little later but frankly, I don't really like those parties with all the jocks. It gets a little . . . I dunno stifling at times."
Now I was the one who was laughing. "You realize most people at school consider you, as captain of the soccer team, a jock?"
"Yeah, I suppose. But I'm not really. I mean . . . I'm not anything. I just sort of bounce from one group to the next without actually belonging to any of them. So whaddya think? You up for goin' out or something?"
"Sure. I guess. I need to check with my folks though," I said.
Of course, Mom was cool with me staying out later. She wanted me home by midnight but otherwise didn't seem too concerned about anything.
Rob drove to this restaurant that I had never heard of before. It was very cool. Lots of noise and lots of people and just really fun to be in.
"Can I ask you something?" said Rob after we ordered. "About our conversation yesterday at Grundys?"
"Sure. I mean, I guess," I said.
"Well, you mentioned that it was a long story about meeting your boyfriend and all. I was wondering if you'd tell me. The long story, I mean. How'd you guys meet? How'd you . . . well, how'd you know?"
I looked up at Rob and he looked really interested in what I had to say. So I told him the whole story. Every detail (well, almost every detail!) of how Travis and I met and how I fell for him and how he sings and how hard the last few months had been. (It was kind of a long story.)
"That is so cool, Andy," said Rob when I finished. "I can't tell you how jealous I am right now. So um . . . I don't mean to get too personal but . . . did you guys have any privacy to ah . . . ya know, mess around while on the ship?"
I blushed. "Jeesh! Now you are getting personal," I said laughing. "Well, we . . . yeah, we had a little privacy from time to time. In fact, the first time we were kinda making out Travis' Mom walked in on us."
Rob burst in to hysterics. "Oh my God! That's so funny. What did you tell her?"
"I forget," I said laughing. "I think Travis told her he was changing his shirt or something. It was pretty funny."
"So tell me about Travis," said Rob. "What's he like?"
"I think you'd like him," I said smiling.
"I'll bet I would."
"Travis is, well, he's great. He's really kind and . . . well, I think the thing I like about him most is that he's like really generous. That's not the right word, but he's the total opposite of self-centered. Ya know? He always wants to make sure things are o.k. with me, not in an annoying way, but in a thoughtful way, and he's always interested in what feels right for us together. I'm not explaining this very well."
"No, I think I know what you mean," said Rob. "It's like so many people can't even imagine that other people have feelings. It's always cool when you find someone who really wants to know who you are, what you want. He sounds really great."
"He is," I said smiling. "But still . . . like I said the other night the distance thing is driving me crazy. I mean, it just seems like it takes more and more work for us to talk about anything important ya know? We talk all the time about little stuff and flirt a lot but . . . well, it's just not the same."
"When do you think you'll see him again?" asked Rob.
"Actually, he's coming for a visit in May! I'm really excited about it, but it sure seems like a long ways away from now."
"Cool," Rob replied smiling. "You guys are really lucky. Even if he is far away, he's still you're boyfriend!"
"Yeah," I said. "You're right. But I've been doing' all the talking tonight. What about you? You've GOT to have a boyfriend, right? Tell me about him."
Rob laughed quietly. "No. I don't have a boyfriend. Actually Andy, I've never had a boyfriend."
"Never?"
"Nope," he said. "Everybody thinks that cause I know a lot of people that I can, like date anyone I want. But . . . well, it's never quite worked out that way, I guess. I mean, the fact of the matter is, not a lot of people at school even know I'm gay."
"Yeah, I have to admit that caught me by surprise when I saw you at the meeting. But still . . . you're like so popular. Don't you think there are lots of guys who would want to go out with you?"
"Andy," Rob laughed. "Come on. Be serious. Who am I gonna date at our school? Neil? He's a great friend but . . . well, we're not meant to date and besides he already has a boyfriend. And just imagine what the team would say if they found out I was more interested in Hunter Krause than his sister! Not good."
"Hunter is kinda cute, isn't he?" I giggled.
"Definitely!" Rob was smiling from ear to ear. "But you better not tell him I think so."
We both started laughing.
"But if you've never had a boyfriend," I said getting a little more serious "how do you know? Because for me, I had never really thought about being with a guy until all this happened with Travis. How do you even know you're gay if you haven't, um . . . well-"
"If I haven't even made out with another guy? I dunno. How does anyone know who they find attractive? You're walking along and all of a sudden you see someone who you just can't wait to get your hands on, right? Well, for me, it's always been guys. Last year, I'd occasionally give myself The Mall Test."
"What's the Mall Test," I asked smiling.
"It's simple," said Rob. "I'd be at the Mall and I'd try not to think about anything in particular. I'd just sort of wander around and see who caught my eye, like who would I turn around and want to look at again or who would I follow into a store just so I could keep staring' at them. Turns out, it was always guys."
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," I said laughing.
"I'm serious," Rob was smiling. "I'd go through the whole mall and see really cute girls and really cute guys . . . but I'd only stare at the guys. So I guess that's how I knew. Course . . . seein' a few guys from our team in the shower didn't hurt either."
I practically spit out my Coke I was laughing so hard. "I can't believe you just said that!"
"Sorry," said Rob giggling. "That would pretty much freak the whole team out wouldn't it? But it's true! Dontcha think?"
"Yeah," I said still laughing.
"So hey," said Rob, "I told Neil I'd meet up with him later tonight, that's what I meant when I told those guys I couldn't go to their party earlier. His boyfriend is in some band and they're performing at this coffee shop. You wanna come? It should be really fun."
"Why not," I said smiling at Rob. "I just have to be home by midnight."
Rob laughed. "Me too," he said. "I should warn you, though, the place where we're going might be a little . . . um . . . different."
"Whaddya mean?"
"Well, let me put it this way," said Rob. "You don't mind people with green hair or lots of piercings, do ya?"
"Ahh, I don't really know a lot of people like that," I said. "But I think I can handle it."
"Cool," said Rob. We figured out the bill and he drove us over to the coffee shop. It was a really cool place, a big old house actually, called Vera's. And Rob was right. Everyone in there looked totally different from the people in our school. I guess most everyone there was about our age or maybe a little older, but they were all like super-alternative or something. I was actually kind of glad Rob warned me about it cause I think I might have been a little freaked out if he hadn't.
We both got drinks and found Neil sitting at a table with Dani Winslow and another girl I had never seen before.
"Rob! Andy!" Neil called to us waving excitedly once we entered the room.
"Hey guys," said Rob.
"This is so cool you made it!" said Neil. "Tyson's band is just getting set up, they're supposed to start at 10. I wasn't expecting to see you here, Andy."
"Yeah, well, um, hope you don't mind or anything," I said. "Rob just invited me along."
"I'm sure he did," said Neil slyly. For some reason he winked at Rob.
"Andy," said Dani, "this is my girlfriend Jasmine. Jasmine, Andy goes to our school and just started coming to our GSA meetings."
"Hi Jasmine," I said shaking her hand. Just then this guy came up and put his hands on Neil's shoulders.
"Hey hot stuff," he said. I was pretty sure this was Neil's boyfriend. He was actually really cute . . . even with the blue hair. He made Neil look like a straight laced, conservative preppy!
"Hey!" Neil said as he smiled at Tyson. "Told ya I'd bring some fans along. You know Rob, that's Andy, Dani and Jasmine."
"Hi guys," said Tyson. "Thanks a lot for coming. Hope you like the show." He leaned down and gave Neil a kiss on the cheek. Just like that. Right in front of everyone. And then headed off to the front of the room where the band was finishing setting up.
Once the music got started, it was actually pretty loud so we weren't able to talk much. In all honesty, it wasn't exactly my favorite kind of music . . . a little harder and angrier than I really like. But it was still pretty cool being in this funky place and listening to live music. After a while I started looking around at the audience a little more. It was totally weird because there were like girls with girls and boys with boys and some people who I couldn't tell if they were boys or girls. But it didn't seem to matter at all. I mean, people were holding hands and putting their arms around one another as if it was totally normal.
I looked over at Neil and noticed how happy he seemed. I could tell he was completely enamored with watching Tyson on stage. All of a sudden I remembered being in the audience as Travis sang. I knew exactly what Neil was feeling.
Just like that, Travis was the only thing I could think about. His laugh, his looks, his smile . . . it came flooding back to me. And seeing Neil enjoying Tyson's performance made me completely jealous. This is the way it's supposed to work, I thought. You're supposed to be able to go on a date with your boyfriend. You're supposed to be able to hold hands and laugh and hang out with friends. You're not supposed to be a thousand miles apart. It's not like I wanted anything crazy or impossible . . . I just wanted us to be in the same place. Simple.
But of course it wasn't simple. Travis was a thousand miles away. And there was nothing either of us could do about that which made me feel like shit. Why couldn't I be sitting here watching him? Why couldn't that be my boyfriend on stage?
"Hey," Rob said poking my thigh between songs. "You o.k. there buddy? Looks like you disappeared for a while."
"Yeah," I said trying to smile. "I'm fine. Just thinking." I tried to get back into the music, but all these songs about how miserable and unfair life was weren't helping me feel any better.
Eventually Tyson's band finished up and we all clapped really loud for them. Ya know, in a totally, alternative, non-conformist kind of way. Tyson came over and sat right next to Neil. For a brief moment I was able to put my own jealousy aside and recognize how cool it was that Neil had found Tyson.
I had a hard time getting into the conversation, in part because I actually was rather tired but mostly because I was feeling kinda down. The only person I really wanted to be around right now was two time zones away.
I think Rob kinda picked up on my mood cause it didn't take him long to suggest we head out. Of course, he said it was because he had to go home and that he really wanted to stay.
We talked a little about the band and their music on the way home, but spent most of the time in silence. He pulled up in my driveway and turned the car off.
"I'm really sorry about that Andy," he said.
"Sorry?" I asked. "For what? What are you talking about?"
"Sorry for dragging you off to that place," he said quietly. "It seemed like you didn't really enjoy yourself. Really. I should have known better."
"Rob," I said quietly. "You don't have to be sorry. In fact, I should be apologizing to you. I liked going there. Honest. It was so cool to see everyone just . . . just able to be themselves. And cool to meet Tyson and Jasmine. I liked it."
"But then, why did you look so . . . . I dunno . . . so unhappy when the band finished up?" he asked.
I looked down at my feet. "Well, I guess . . . . it's just . . . . So in the middle of the show, I looked over at Neil. And he was watching Tyson and he seemed so happy. I mean, you could tell how much they like each other. And, I guess I got, I dunno, jealous. I just really wanted what Neil had right then. I wanted to be watching Travis sing again, to be hanging out with my boyfriend. And it made me sad I guess when I realized . . . that might not happen." I felt a tear in the corner of my eye. I was trying really hard to hold on. I didn't want to cry in front of Rob. I didn't want to cry at all.
"You shouldn't say that," Rob said softly as he put his hand on mine. "You never know what can happen. I mean . . . you guys will figure something out. He's coming to see you in a few weeks, right? So that's . . . that's a good thing."
"Yeah," I said sniffling. "But Rob, it's not the same. I mean, when we were on the ship I kept telling Travis that we'd figure out something when we got home, and now that we're here . . . ." I was tearing up now. "Now that we're here I'm not sure I believe that any more."
I blubbered out a wave of tears. I couldn't believe I was in Rob Thompson's car crying about my boyfriend.
"Hey, it's o.k." Rob whispered to me. He put his arm on the back of my head and pulled me close. I leaned forward and buried my face in his shoulder. "It's o.k., I'm here," he kept saying. His hand was slowly rubbing up and down my back. He made me feel completely protected, as though nothing could possibly hurt me.
It seemed like I stayed there forever, my face buried in his strong, soft shoulder. Slowly I pulled back and looked at Rob. He was staring right at me, his face filled with concern, his eyes warm and friendly. For a brief moment, it seemed as though our faces were getting closer. But then I felt his hand quickly slide off my back, his face pull away.
"Andy, I . . . " he stammered. "I should go."
"I'm sorry for screwing everything up Rob, for blubbering on your shirt" I said. "I really had a great time today. Even if I am completely loony."
"You're not loony," Rob said smiling. "You just have a lot going on right now. And ya know what? I really had fun today as well. I hope we can do this again soon."
"Definitely," I said. "Thanks. For listening, I mean. I don't know what it is about you, but I just feel really comfortable, like I can say anything when you're around."
"I'm glad," he replied. "You can blubber on my shoulder any time you want."
I smiled and thanked him again as I got out of the car and headed inside. I was exhausted, but I wasn't sad anymore.
I kept thinking about Rob as I tried to go to sleep. About how nice had he been to me, about how comfortable I felt with him and about how his hands felt on my back. It had been a while since anyone had touched me like that. Since the cruise actually. Without even thinking about it, I found my own hand reaching down into my underwear as I thought only about Rob.