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Another Nessay chapter, also a shorter chapter this time! Don;t shoot me yet lol Longer chapters are coming ;)
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It's been three days since that asshole has walked back into my life, and I have done the bravest thing I could, I went into hiding. Like right now I was listening to Lyric's song "1-800-273-8255" and fingering this pocket knife I got when I was ten from my grandpa, this little knife has had a big part in me becoming me. I have been talking to my lead bartender and server by text giving instructions for the bar. Unluckily for her she was the only one who I had spoken to, something I am sure Ty and Odin will let me hear about. I just can't figure out why people won't understand I just want to be left alone. I need my space and time to come around to him being here.
" I don't wanna be alive I don't wanna be alive I just wanna die today I just wanna die I don't wanna be alive I don't wanna be alive I just wanna die And let me tell you why "
Why did it have to be him? My heart still rushed, and my anger boiled. Because of him, because of his torment and abuse, the fact no one would listen or act to stop it. How many days did I look at my dads old hand gun, or the bottle of pills my grandma had, how easy it would be to just let go and die? Some scars are hard to forget, and the white slashes on my wrists were some of the hardest. Luckily for me there was my mom, a woman who was strong enough to pick up the pieces when I tried to end my life. I let myself sing along with next set of lyrics, they were my favorite part of this song.
" It's the very first breath When your head's been drowning underwater And it's the lightness in the air When you're there Chest to chest with a lover It's holding on, though the road's long And seeing light in the darkest things And when you stare at your reflection Finally knowing who it is I know that you'll thank God you did "
I could just feel the Logic's lyrics just flow within me. I didn't want to be the scared, lonely, hurt little boy, I wanna live and enjoy life. Now there's only one way to do that, and in all honesty I had been avoiding it but I really can't avoid it anymore. I had to confront the demon from my past. I let my fingers run over the tip of sharp blade when suddenly I heard a loud crack causing a twitch.
"FUCK! SON OF A BIT-" Was all i got out as I put a nice slicing gash across my finger. Standing to turn and look into my living room, I managed to get there just as my front door, deadbolts and all, swung open. I could feel my jaw drop as I watched a shadow enter my home.
"I been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine Who can relate? I been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine "
I watched as he entered all the way slowly, never taking his eyes off me. He then came over gently removing the knife from my hand, placing it gently on the coffee table. Next he wrapped his arms around and crushed my body into his. Before I could object a pair of lips came crashing down onto mine. My whole body felt like it was up in flames, it had been a long time since we had shared a kiss. He finally broke this kiss leaving us panting and gasping. His bigger body dwarfing mine. His hand slid up my side,his fingers giving me goose bumps, then he cupped my chin and tilted my head back, our eyes locked.
" Pain don't hurt the same,
I know The lane I travel feels alone But I'm moving 'til my legs give out And I see my tears melt in the snow But I don't wanna cry I don't wanna cry anymore I wanna feel alive I don't even wanna die anymore Oh I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't even wanna die anymore "
"I don't know what you're thinking Ness, but we need to talk!"
Then he kissed me again, and this time I kissed the big lug back!
TBC .......
(Remember suicide is never the answer, and you are loved! If you ever need to talk feel free to contact me, see a counselor, or the suicide prevention line 1-800-273-8255)