Somewhere Road

Somewhere Road

By Robin Stradley

My name is Adrian Milner, and my story begins in the early summer between my first and second years of college. I was so lost back then. I was 19-years-old, and I had no clue as to what I wanted to do with my life, or who I wanted to be. While this is normal for a lot of young kids, it was more than just that. I used to feel like the world was huge; a place of unimaginable vastness and opportunity. I wasn't feeling that way anymore. It was like the four corners of the earth had lifted, formed a box, and were slowly crashing down around only me, leaving me helpless and smothering underneath.

I did the same thing every morning of that early summer. I'd wake up in my parents' home, go into the bathroom, lock the door behind me, and stare at myself in the mirror. Holding back tears of anger and self-hatred, I would look myself in the eyes and say "you're going to do it today." I never did it, but it appeased my conscience enough for a little while that I at least had enough conviction to *say *I was going to do it and really mean it, even if I ended up not following through. The it' I am referring to was coming out as gay to my family and friends. For a long time I held thoughts like I've known for years, maybe they just need to catch up,' and why do they even need to know? They didn't have to tell me they're straight!' and even the ever-popular maybe I can talk myself out of being gay.' Now that I was a college student and legal adult, none of the excuses pacified me anymore, nor justified my procrastination. I felt an increasing pressure to tell them and get it over with; I just never could find the right time. And because I couldn't find the right time, I felt no one knew the real me. Not my parents, not my brother, not my two sisters. Only one person knew, and that was my best friend, Katie Karlin. She was a beautiful and petite brunette, blue-eyed girl with a heart of gold that all the boys wanted, but for some reason, she only wanted me. We had been friends since we were ten. I learned that she had a crush on me a couple of years after that because she started making it fairly obvious. She flirted in many playful little ways: smiled and giggled a lot around me, pushed my arm when I said something dumb, did her hair and makeup when she knew she'd only be seeing me, things like that. I just tried to pretend I was dumb enough to be oblivious to it. When we were thirteen, she suggested that we practice kissing on each other, that way when we "got with someone we liked" we'd know how to do it. I agreed. I ended up telling her I'm gay a few years later more out of circumstance than actual preparation and planning.

It was a cold December night our sophomore year of high school. We were both sixteen. Up until this particular night, the seven second kiss with her was the farthest I'd gone with her -- or anyone else for that matter -- for fear of my homosexuality being detected. We were lying upstairs in her room listening to music and talking. The atmosphere was light and relaxed; at least for me. Her parents wouldn't be home for another three hours and this day and she had a plan. I'm sure she was dying inside from nerves, but I was none the wiser. All of a sudden she flipped over from where she was lying with her head next to mine and straddled me, her knee on each side of my waist. She looked at me with a playful smirk and started to kiss me. I was frozen. I gently pushed my lips back onto hers, even though my first reaction was to scream "what the hell are you doing?! Get off of me!" We continued our awkward kiss for perhaps ten seconds when I felt her hand start to creep down my body and grab my crotch. I jumped up and from underneath her quickly, but the damage was done. She had already felt that I was as limp as a noodle. She looked like a bulldozer had just demolished her heart.

"Adrian," she said in a slight and wounded voice, "why don't you like me? Do you think I'm ugly or something?"

Even though I knew it would only add to her confusion, I blurted out, "No! You're beautiful! I just..."

"Then what? What is it? Do I need to lose weight? Gain weight? What? What do you like? I'll do it."

"Would you stop!" I slightly shouted at her, "you shouldn't *ever *change just to fit what some stupid guy wants you to be! And you don't have any weight to lose. Or gain. You're perfect the way you are!"

"Don't change the subject!"

"I'm not. But you need to know that. You've got gorgeous hair, the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen, and a perfect body. You're smart, funny, sweet, and compassionate. You're a wonderful artist and you sing beautifully."

"Then...then why don't you like me?"

"I'm gay, Katie," I shouted. Her look of confusion changed instantaneously to one of shock and I said lightly, in almost a whisper, "I'm sorry."

Instead of bursting out in tears, like I figured she would, she instead began to laugh.

"What could possibly be funny?" I asked her.

"It all makes sense now!" she said between laughs, "you hate sports, you love clothes and shoes. You've never said anything about liking a girl or even finding one attractive. You're sensitive and not a pig. You're clean and not a slob. You care about your appearance and actually spend time to get ready in the mornings; not just roll out of bed and go. I live with a straight teenage guy; I can't believe I didn't see this before!"

"Well I'm glad you're so amused," I said, beginning to get a little offended.

"I'm not..." she tried to stop her laughter by taking in some deep breaths, "I'm not laughing at *you *Adrian, I swear. I'm laughing at my own oblivion. I can't believe I couldn't tell. I mean -- not that you're obvious or anything -- just as I got to know you better there were signs all over the place and apparently I just didn't want to see them because I liked you so much. It's *so *nice to know it's not anything personal toward me that you don't like me back that way. That's awesome. We can check out guys together!"

We both laughed, and the next four-and-a-half hour conversation was the freest conversation I've ever had. I was totally and one-hundred-percent me. I didn't have to think about my answers or questions before I said them; I just said what was on my mind. We talked about the celebrity guys and guys at school that we liked and didn't like, who we thought was cute and not cute; that sort of thing. From that moment on, she was the only person in the world who knew the real me.

Back to early summer and looking in the mirror. Just as I was about to say my normal, routine self-commitment phrase, I decided today was going to be different. I was going to do something. Something big. I thought for a moment about what this something could be. Rob a bank? Nah, I don't want to go to jail or get shot. Sneak into a nightclub with a fake ID? No, still runs the risk of the whole jail thing. I know! I'm going to disappear. I'm gonna pack up and take off for a few days and see who notices that I'm gone. Just when everyone is beginning to get sick with worry, I'll show back up and go "Hey guys! I'm not dead! But I *am*, however, gay!" That's a good way to come out! I love it!' I made up my mind that this was how I was going to come out to my family, and my friends would hear about it. Really, the only good friend I had that didn't know was Katie's brother Jeremy, and I could just have Katie tell him. I knew for certain she hadn't already because whether he accepted it or not, he'd have to say something, I just know it. He's one of these people that says *exactly *what's on his mind. There is absolutely no filter between his brain and his mouth. As I was packing my clothes in a rush to carry out my plan, I began to have a change of heart. I guess I can't just leave without leaving *any *kind of word,' I thought to myself, `okay. I'll just be very vague concerning where I'm going and why. I don't want them to like, call the cops or file a missing persons report or anything. They'll still worry, and I can still come out the same way I planned to when I get home. Yeah, it's perfect!' I scrambled around my room gathering the bare essentials up for a few more minutes before heading into the bathroom to grab all my toiletries. I made sure I had my wallet, cell phone and charger, a few days' change of clothes and underwear, deodorant, razor and shaving cream, cologne, shampoo, conditioner, and face and body wash. I stopped once again at the bathroom mirror to look at myself.

"Is this really what I want to do?' I questioned my reflection aloud, "is what I'm doing the right way to go about it? Is it the right time? Guess it's as good a time or way as any other!"

I took a brief moment to take one last look at myself before I sighed heavily. I supposed I wasn't a bad looking guy. I worked hard to obtain what muscle definition I did have. I was an awkward and skinny kid, so when I was finally able to gain muscle I started working out religiously 5 days a week, and maintain that to this day. I wasn't a "beefcake" by any standards, but I looked healthy and toned. I have a dark complexion with olive skin (being as my mother's family is Italian with dark hair, skin, and eyes), but the contrast is my naturally blonde hair that I kept in a short and neat fade; gelled and combed forward, spiking up at the ends in front to frame my forehead, and light hazel eyes (my dad's family is Dutch with blonde hair and blue eyes). I was the only one of my parents' four children who had this combination. My two sisters look more like my dad with fair skin, blonde hair, and blue eyes. My brother looks almost exactly like my mom, with dark skin, hair, and eyes. I'm 5'11'' and at that time I weighed about 145 lbs. Realizing that I had almost forgotten my comb and hair gel, I grabbed them and shoved them in my bag. Then I sat down at my mother's stationary desk to write a heartfelt but mysterious note:

Dear mom, dad, Chris, Angie, and Renny;

• *

I have decided to go away for a few days to find myself. I don't know where I

• am going or how long I'm going to be gone. Please don't worry. I just have to*
• get away for a little while. I love you all so much.*
• Your loving son and brother,*
• ADRIAN*

I left the note folded in half and propped up on the kitchen table where I knew whoever got home first would find it; probably one of my sisters. Since they were only 15 and 12 they had an earlier curfew than I did, and since my brother was 21, he'd be gone for days sometimes without coming home. He spent most of his time with his girlfriend at her apartment. Why he didn't just move in there was beyond me.

On this particular day, I knew that both of my parents and brother, Chris, were at work, and that my sisters Angela and Serenity (Renny for short) were spending the night at friends' houses. This was going to be so easy. I could just...leave; unnoticed. I'd probably be miles and miles away before anyone got my note. The thought was liberating and depressing at the same time. I unlocked my SUV, threw my bag in the passenger seat, hopped in, and took off. Goodbye rumors, suspicion, and assumptions; goodbye forever. This was the first step to my new life of total honesty and freedom. Next stop -- gas pumps. And then who knows?

I filled my gas tank to the max with gasoline. I had a 1995 Jeep Grand Cherokee that used to belong to my mom that I got for my eighteenth birthday after mowing lawns, washing windows, waiting tables, and saving up for a year-and-a-half to buy from her. She told me whenever I could save up $2,000 it was mine. I think she only told me that because she didn't think I could do it. I had almost saved enough up when my grandmother sent me $800 for my birthday and that put me at $2,650. It felt awesome not only to have my own car, but to prove her wrong, and feel like I'd earned something myself. She said that's the reason she was charging me; that she wanted me to feel pride that nobody handed anything over to me. She turned out to be right, of course, it was an excellent feeling. I used the remaining $650 on a paint job -- dark forest green -- my favorite color. It was in excellent condition and running terrific, at least I figured it was. I didn't know anything about cars, but it hadn't given me any trouble in the little over a year that I'd had it. At that time, my SUV was the best thing I had going on in my life. It almost wasn't mine though. My mom had made Chris the same deal, that if he could save up $2,000 he could have it, but he couldn't do it. This just made me all the more determined to. I felt sometimes like I was only working downtown at a café just to pay the insurance on it, but in my eyes it was totally worth it.

I'll never forget what it felt like merging onto that freeway on ramp. Freedom, excitement, anxiety, and fear all quickly rose and built up in me like a dust cloud in a tornado. I had grabbed a map and some junk food at the convenience store, so I was set for a few hours. I was on the freeway for a little more than a half-hour when my cell went off. I glanced at the caller ID just to see who it was. Katie. She doesn't even know I'm gone,' I thought, should I tell her?'

"Hello?" I said through my headset as I pushed the talk button on the phone.

"Whatcha dooooin?" she asked playfully.

"Driving. Why, what's up?"

"Where you driving to?"

Now was my moment. Do I tell her and possibly ruin the great moment I have in my head of my family finding that cryptic note I left and becoming hysterical, or do I lie to my best friend of almost ten years?

"I just got done filling up with gas," I managed to stammer out, throwing off my conscience slightly. It wasn't a lie; I *had *just filled up with gas!

"Oh, okay. Well...I was just wondering what you were up to. I got something big to tell you, so call me back when you get a chance, okay?" I felt bad that her enthusiasm met my ears with little effect on my excitement level. I was too wrapped up in this master plan of mine to feel anything for another person, I suppose. But I feigned the emotion of suspense.

"What?! Give me a hint at least!" I exclaimed with my voice and no expression whatsoever on my face. And the Academy Award goes to...Adrian Milner.

"Nope," she taunted, "I want to give you a reason to call me back."

"Well...okay, I'll call you back in a little while then," I also faked disappointment. Katie's "big deals'' were never really very big. But, she was my best friend and I loved her, so I always played along.

Another two hours and thirty-nine minutes had gone by when my phone started to ring again. Just as I was about to push the talk button, I decided to myself, you know what? No. This is *my* time. I'm taking this trip to clear my head and get some time alone; away from everyone and everything. I'm not going to answer it.' It rang another four or five times before my voicemail picked it up. I glanced down at the cell phone's caller ID where I had it sitting in one of the cup holders in my vehicle. It was Katie again. Oh well. She knows I'm all right. I just talked to her a couple hours ago, so she knows I'm not mad, either. It's not going to kill her for me to miss one little phone call from her.' I knew I was just trying to talk myself out of the guilt, but actually; I was right. I was trying to find a way to escape and clear my head for a little while before I did something that was going to drastically change my life and the way my family and friends saw me. I was on a soul searching expedition, and I needed to go it alone. Without getting dragged into someone else's problems or even good issues. I needed to save every ounce of emotion within me for when I got back home and did the big reveal, like a magician in a crowded theater right before the trick is over. The only thing about this proverbial lady I was going to saw in half; unlike the magician, I wouldn't be able to undo it once it had been done. The more I thought about what I was going to do, the more comfortable I started to feel with it. I was tired of selling lies to everyone I loved and who loved me. I was tired of being the magician, and I was ready to close down the magic show.

After six hours on the road, I started to get a little hungry, so I pulled off into a small town called Rain's Bluff and ate lunch at a Denny's restaurant. As suspected, the calls started coming in. First it was my youngest sister, 12-year-old Serenity.

"What are you doing, Adrian? Mom and Dad are going to kill you!" She exclaimed as I answered, not even giving me a chance to say hello first. Her voice reminded me of a wild animal who calls out in alarmed chirps and frantic screams to warn other animals of impending danger, and I couldn't help but to laugh.

"You're not gonna be laughing when Mom and Dad find out about this!" she yelled into the phone. I was able to convince her to hand the phone to Angela, the slightly more mature and less emotional sister of mine. Still being very vague as to my whereabouts and any plans of coming home, I just told her that I wanted to take a drive for a couple days and just enjoy the summer before I had to get back to full time work and school.

"And besides," I explained to her, "I'm only off four days this week. I've had the job at the café for three years now, I don't want to lose it."

"So you'll be back in four days?" she asked sternly.

"Maybe. Maybe sooner. I just don't know right now, Angie."

"Well, okay. I'll let Mom and Dad know you're okay and that I've talked to you, but Mom especially is probably gonna want to call you. I mean, I know you're over 18 now and everything, but this just isn't like you, and I bet she'll say the same thing. She'll want an explanation."

"Okay, fair enough. Thanks, sis. You're a pretty cool young lady," I grinned. I had always gotten along well with my sisters. Well, with females in general I guess. Chris and I got along pretty well, especially considering some other pairs of brothers I've known. We were as close as two brothers could be who are the exact opposite of one another as people. I finally got my sisters off the phone and headed back out onto the freeway. I decided I was going to cut loose a little and have fun, so I threw in a mixed CD I had laying around my vehicle and cranked it up. Even though I can't carry a tune to save my life, I was singing along at the top of my lungs and "dancing" with the upper half of my body. I was having a blast.

When the allure of my off-key solo concert had run its course, I decided to pull off the freeway again into a small trucker town called Bipton Hills, and check into a hotel for the night. I entered my room, shut and locked the door behind me, and sat my bag on the floor. The room had a stale aroma faintly spread throughout it, but was simple and sufficient; a queen size bed in the middle of it with small feux-oak night tables on either side. There was a small dresser directly across from the bed, and a small television set sat atop it; the remote control glued heavily to one of the night tables. The bathroom was small and only contained a toilet and a shower; the sink sat right outside the bathroom door. I figured I wasn't going to stay long enough to unpack; I just wanted to get a little rest and get back out into the sweet freedom of the open road. I had just taken a shower and settled into watch TV until I dozed off, trying to ignore the childish fear that being alone in a strange place for the first time invoked in me, when I heard my cell phone start ringing. Upon looking at the caller ID, I took a deep breath and thought, `okay. It's mom. I can do this,' and answered it with a meek "hello?"

"Where the hell are you?" she yelled into the phone.

"Didn't Angie tell you what was up?" I asked, pretending to shrug it off as no big deal.

"Yes, but I want to hear it from you. Where are you? What are you doing?"

I heard Angela in the background say "told ya so!" I rolled my eyes.

"Mom, I...I just wanted to get away for a little while. Just do something to clear my mind before school starts again. It's not that big a deal."

"Why did you need to get away? Is there someone bothering you? What's the matter?"

"No, mom, nothing's wrong. It's exactly like I said. I just wanted to take a little road trip before I have to go back to school and full time work. That's it, I promise."

"Well why didn't you take a couple friends with you? Katie's been calling here non-stop since I got home. She said she can't reach you on your cell and she's worried sick. I didn't know what to tell her. That's no way to treat your girlfriend, honey."

I hated it when my mom called Katie my "girlfriend." I had to have told her a hundred times already she wasn't my girlfriend, that we were just friends.

"Mom, I've told you before, we're just friends. And I didn't take her or anyone else because I wanted to go alone. I can't really explain it."

"Let the boy go, Rita," my father's voice chimed in from the background. Mom must have had me on speaker phone, "he's trying to find himself. Every man goes through that stage at one point or another. Remember when we were twenty and I left for two weeks alone and you thought I wanted to end our relationship and ditch the wedding plans? I was finding myself. Adrian's doing the same. He's a big boy, Mama, and smart, too. He can take care of himself and I'm not worried about him at all. Just drive careful and have fun, son. See you when you get home."

Hearing my father say those things was incredibly touching, and made me very proud.

"Thanks, Dad," I said, my voice breaking a little to hold back tears of pride.

My mom must have been left speechless (which is hard to do!) because she paused briefly before she said, "Okay. Okay. Well...I love you, sweetie. Please be safe, and call me from time to time to let me know you're all right, can I ask that of you?"

"Of course, mom," I said, my voice breaking a little, "you know me. I always check in. Even when I don't have to."

"I know you do, sweetheart. I guess I over reacted. I was just worried because this isn't like you to just up and disappear like this. I just want to be sure you're okay, and that there's not something you're running from. Because I want you to know, no matter what you say or do, you'll always be my baby boy and there's nothing that would make me stop loving you. Ever."

I usually kind of tuned out when my mom started going all lovey-dovey mushy on me, but this time I listened, and it felt good to know she felt that way. It was like she could read my mind and the plan I was working on carrying out and she was letting me know that it was all going to be okay. I told both my parents and sisters I loved them and that I'd call them the next day before saying goodnight and hanging up. I thought about calling Katie back, but I was just so tired I dozed right off to sleep.

The next morning, it felt good to not give my usual speech to my reflection. I had no need to. A plan was in action. I had been on the road about twenty minutes when a call came into my cell phone.

"Hello?"

"What the hell? You went on a road trip and didn't even invite me? What the fuck did I do to piss you off?!" yelled Katie frantically from her end of the line.

"Katie, calm down. You're the only one I can tell why I really left. I'm coming out to my family when I get home. I just wanted to do some soul searching for a few days until I felt prepared."

"Oh," was the only thing she could reply with. The anger in her voice totally dissipated as the conversation went from her being upset that I didn't bring her long to how I was going to do the big reveal.

"I don't know how, yet," I said, "but that's one of the things I'm going to think about while I'm gone. When I do it and it's over you'll be the first one I call, I promise. Oh, and Katie?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you do me a favor? Tell your brother Jeremy for me so I don't have to do it. It's gonna be hard enough to tell my entire family."

She agreed and said that she would. She finally told me the `big' news that she wanted to tell me the day before was that a guy that she's liked since seventh grade works at the Kwikky Burger and when she went in to order lunch he asked her out for Friday night. See? Not that big. Maybe I was looking at it in the wrong light of comparison, but I was a little preoccupied to be thrilled for her. But I was happy. She had liked this guy a long time, and now she'd finally get a chance with him. We chit-chatted for a little while before ending the call. She wasn't made anymore, and I was relieved. At this point, she was the only one who knew the real me, my only support system. I couldn't lose her.

I got some serious driving done that second day. I drove fourteen hours total and only pulled off to eat once. I had planned out perfectly my big reveal, and I was confident I had it down. I decided to turn around and head back after my one meal. I had been back on the freeway for about four hours until I realized that I had made a wrong turn somewhere; I was lost. There were no other cars around anywhere. I figured I had gotten back on the wrong freeway after pulling off to eat, but I didn't know for sure how long I had been lost or even where I was. I pulled off the freeway onto a side street to check my map, but when I went to stop, there was a huge popping sound and smoke poured from underneath my hood. I immediately turned the engine off and looked at the dash. I can't believe I hadn't noticed it until then, but it was badly over heated. I started freaking out. The only thing I know* *about cars is how to drive them and fill them up with gas. I could still see the freeway from my driver's seat, so I sat there hoping I would see headlights in the distance at any moment. I was going to run out to the side of the road, flag down a complete stranger, and pray he or she wasn't a burglar or a serial killer. Hour one passed; no other cars in sight. Hour two; same thing. By hour three I was starting to panic a little. I had already tried to use my cell phone during hour one, but I didn't get any reception where I was. By hour four, I had gone through pretty much every emotion I had within myself: anger, sadness, panic, fear, helplessness, worthlessness, and more panic and fear. I cried, I screamed at my SUV, I even kicked the side of the vehicle a few times. I had no clue what to do.

Another twenty minutes passed and I was starting to get cold and hungry. I decided I couldn't stay here and wait for someone to *happen *by; I was going to have to go look for help. I took of walking at about 3:30 a.m. I walked past where I had pulled the vehicle off the freeway. There was a very ominous looking dirt road up ahead. Well, it's either this creepy road or the freeway, and I am *not* walking down the freeway,' I thought to myself. I grabbed a flashlight out of the cargo area of my SUV and mustered up whatever courage I had in me and tried to convince myself that I had no other choice but to seek help. I walked for about an hour when the dirt road started to become more and more narrow and surrounded by corn fields. It seemed strange, but this appeared to be someone's farm out in the middle of nowhere. Coming from the city, I hadn't seen too many farms in my life. After another ten or so minutes of walking, I came to a very sharp left turn in the dirt road with what looked like a makeshift street sign that read "Somewhere Road." I found that kind of amusing as I took the corner into a long, very narrow path. I shone my flashlight down the path. There was a huge metal gate, but not a No Trespassing' sign, so I walked the seemingly endless path and hopped the fence. More rows of corn and narrow paths. After walking another quarter mile or so, I could hear what sounded like a tractor off in the distance. Only a person can operate a tractor!' I thought, Finally! Help! I just hope this isn't some backwoods, inbred mutant who's gonna kill me, violate my corpse, and then eat my remains. Wow. I need to lay off the horror films.' I continued to walk toward where I thought the sound might be coming from and finally, off in the distance, I saw a man driving a tractor. I started running his direction and yelling "hey! Hey! Hey Mister! Please help me!" He was either wearing earplugs or deaf. Finally he must have seen some commotion out of the corner of his eye and turned to see me frantically waving and screaming my head off. He stopped the tractor and climbed down. I was at last within 20 feet of someone that may possibly be able to help me. He jogged toward me a little while removing a large pair of noise blocking headphones.

"Can I help you?" he asked with a genuine look of concern. There were two things that struck me about him: the first was that he didn't appear to be any kind of mutant (much to my relief) and the second was he was fucking gorgeous! He looked to be maybe in his early to mid-20's and had a toned and fit body from being raised doing manual labor. He had khaki colored skin, just lightly kissed by the sun from working outdoors in the early mornings, with dark brown, almost black hair with streaks of lighter brown throughout it, and gorgeous, sky blue eyes. His lips were pouty and full with a very sensual hue of pink to them. `Leave it to me to still be checking out guys in a situation like this,' I thought briefly.

"Uh, yeah," I said, still trying to catch my breath from running, "my car broke down a couple miles from here. I was on the freeway. I waited for over four hours before I took off walking and you're the only person I've seen the whole time."

"Oh yeah, it's dead out here. That's why we don't even bother cordoning off our farm, no one's around to break in. Well, except for you," he grinned. When he smiled I felt a shock of hormones surge through my entire body.

"Oh my God, really? I'm trespassing on private property? I'm so sorry!" I started to get a little scared because I couldn't tell if he was kidding or serious. He was smiling, but he also just said I broke into his farm.

"No, it's fine. You need help, and I can get it for you. My sister and her husband have a fix-it-up garage and a tow truck up near the main house, but they don't get up for another couple hours. What's your name, stranger?"

"Adrian. Milner," I said, trying to make it obvious I was staring this guy down. I don't think I have ever seen a more perfect physical example of `the man of my dreams.'

"I'm Derrick Logan. Nice to meet you," and he held out his hand for me to shake. When I touched him I felt an adrenaline rush like nothing I'd ever experienced. "Ever ridden on a tractor?"he asked.

I guess he saw my look of confusion when I said "no" because he continued with, "Hop on. I'll show you how to drive it."

I was a little scared and nervous, but I was extremely attracted to this guy, and at that point he could've led me to my own ritualistic sacrifice and I would have obliged. The space inside the tractor's cab was limited, so we had to sit right next to each other; my left leg pressed firmly against his right leg. He drove the tractor while explaining to me everything that he was doing, but I couldn't hear a word he was saying. I was too enthralled with the body heat radiating off of him and onto me. This was the closest I had ever been to a guy that I was attracted to, and it felt like being a young kid all over again experiencing a crush for the first time. He said he was taking me to the main house and explaining to me how the farm was set up. His parents owned it and he was raised on it. There were seven buildings on the farm with between two and three miles of land separating each one: the main house; where his parents and younger brother lived, his house; where he lived alone, his younger brother's house that currently unfurnished and unoccupied because his brother was only 15, his two older brothers and their families' houses, and his older sister and her family's house. The seventh building was the garage that was owned by his sister and her husband. We had a good get-to-know-you conversation on the six mile drive to the main house. He said he was 22-years-old, never married and didn't have a girlfriend. I decided to keep the whole gay thing quiet being as I was counting on these people for help and I didn't know how they would take it. I just told him I was single too. It could have been wishful thinking, but I could've sworn out of the corner of my eye I saw him smirk when I told him I didn't have a girlfriend. We talked about the fact that I was in college and how hard it was for him to attend public school before his graduation four years earlier. He had to get up at 3 a.m. just to make it to the bus stop on time. He asked what I was doing all the way out here alone and I told him I was just going on a little solo road trip before school started back. I didn't say why.

We finally arrived at the main house. He told me to wait in the tractor while he explained the situation to his family, and within a few minutes he motioned for me to come inside the house.

"Family, this is Adrian Milner. Adrian, this is the Logan family. You actually caught us at the right time because we all meet in the main house for breakfast and dinner every day, so everyone's here. Let me introduce you to everyone. These are my parents Porter and Jean. This is my younger brother Michael. Next to him is my older brother Bobby, his wife Krystal, and their three kids Christopher, Bryson, and Kelly. Next to them is my sister Tonya, her husband Ricky, and their two girl Destiny and Sarah. Across the table are my brother John, his wife Roberta, and their 6-month-old triplets Jade, Jerrica, and John Jr., or J.J. as we all call him. I know there's probably no way you're gonna remember everyone's names, but at least you've been introduced!"

He walked me over to the far end of the enormous breakfast table and his mother invited me to have some breakfast with them. Tonya's husband Ricky asked me questions about what happened to my vehicle and he said it sounded like I had a blown head gasket, and that he could fix it, but he'd have to order the part and it would take about four days altogether. I told him I had no cash on me, that all my money was on my debit card, and even then it was only around $200 I had left. Much to my surprise he said not to worry about it.

"You just help me with my farm chores for the four days you're here," grinned Derrick, "you can even stay at my house."

I felt a little nervous about the thought of being alone in a house with him at least two miles away from anyone else. It was going to be hard to hide my attraction to him. His family made idle chat with me during breakfast, and then Derrick told Ricky where my vehicle was located so he could tow it back to his garage. I gave him my keys and he said he'd bring my bag of clothes back with him out of the cargo area.

"That food was delicious, Mrs. Logan," I said to Derrick's mother, "thank you so much."

"It's no problem at all, sweetheart," she replied, "after the night you had I'm sure you needed a nice home cooked meal. Derrick, why don't you take one of the carts back to your place and show Adrian where he'll be staying."

The family had ten golf carts that they used to maneuver around their homes when they weren't doing work. I hopped in one with Derrick and headed to his house.

When we arrived, it was a lot more modern than I was expecting. I guess I was stereotyping him by thinking that because he lived on a farm he was out of touch with the 21st century, but I was wrong. He had a computer, a stereo, an Ipod, multiple video game systems, and a flat screen television, among other electronic gadgets.

"Wow, I guess this farm makes a lot of money, huh?" I asked, "you've got a nice place here."

"Thanks. Yeah, we do pretty good. We sell a lot our stock and produce to the local supermarkets here and they pay well for freshly grown stuff. I only have one bed, but my couch is super comfy, and I've got plenty of blankets and pillows for you to use. Go ahead and make yourself at home."

"Thanks, that's great," I said. We sat on the couch in his living room, talked, laughed, and played *Halo *on his Xbox for a while. It was as if we had known each other forever. After he kicked my butt on the game, we laughed for a moment and then it was silent.

"I know this is kind of out of nowhere, but can I ask you something? Something personal?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"Remember earlier when you said you don't have a girlfriend?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well...don't take this the wrong way, but do you even like girls?"

I was frozen with fear and couldn't say anything. No one had ever asked me that before. `Have I become obvious now that I've decided to come out?" I asked myself. I think Derrick could sense my level of unease, so he continued, "because if that's the reason, you and I have the same reason for being single."

"You're..."

"Yep. I'm gay. Don't worry, nobody knows about me either. Wait, you are too, right?"

"Yeah, but how could you tell?"

"I can't really. Maybe I was just hoping," he grinned at me and started staring at my lips like he wanted to kiss me. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't going to initiate the kiss just in case I was reading him wrong, but he didn't give me a chance to. He moved right in for it. His face slowly inched mine and I met him halfway. We kissed gently at first, pulled away, and looked at each other. He smiled, and started kissing me again; this time with more force and more passion. `This is so awesome,' I thought to myself as he pushed me down onto my back on his couch as he lay on top of me. We were now into full-on heavy petting. We continued to kiss vigorously as he pushed his hand up my shirt, feeling my body. His hands were rough and calloused, but soft and sensual at the same time. I pulled his shirt up to his shoulders and began caressing his bare back. I could feel every muscle, it was so erotic. He slid his hand down to my left thigh and gripped the outside of it, pulling it in closer to his body. Then he started thrusting up against me. I could feel how hard he was through both of our pants. I felt like I was floating on a cloud above myself and from up above watching what was going on, but I could feel everything. Every one of my senses were heightened. He smelled like cologne and slight sweat. He tasted like sweet maple syrup from the pancakes we had at breakfast. He felt amazing and unbelievable, with a fever in his skin growing hotter and hotter the longer we kissed and touched one another. He was just starting to inch his way toward my belt to undo it when there was a loud knock at the door and we both jumped up, startled. We kind of laughed as we tried to compose ourselves, out of breath.

"Do I look like I was just getting lucky?" Derrick asked me with a laugh.

"Ha ha, no. Do I?"

"No. Okay, I think we're good."

He answered the door and it was Ricky with my belongings bag.

"Oh, thank you so much," I said sincerely, "maybe it's because I was lost that walk seemed so long, but I'm definitely glad not to have to do it again to go get my bag!"

Ricky laughed and said, "I've already taken a look at it and ordered the parts you need. You need a new radiator and a head gasket. Still should only be around four days to fix it though. Most of it is going to be the waiting on the parts."

"I can't thank you enough," I said.

"No problem. See you guys at dinner?"

"Yep," said Derrick, "we'll be there."

He shut the door and watched Ricky drive down the path in a golf cart.

"Okay, now. Where were we?" he said, with a mischievous grin on his face.

"Hmm...I don't know," I said as I took off my shirt, backed away toward the couch, and sat on the arm, "about here look good?"

"Ooo...you have no idea how good," he said, as he walked briskly toward me, tackling me down onto the couch in the same position we were in before we were interrupted. We started kissing like we had never stopped.

"You have no idea how awkward it was talking to my brother-in-law with a boner the whole time," he whispered in my ear, laughing, "all I could think about the whole time he was here is how bad I wanted him to leave so I could get back to you."

"Uh huh? And what about me?" I teased, "what did you want to get back to doing?"

"Mmm...this right here," he said as he kissed and lightly bit my neck. I softly grunted and bit my lip with desire.

"Just this? Or something more?" I teased again.

"Oh! You want more? I'll give you more," he said as he stood up. He grabbed my hand to lift me to my feet and picked me all the way up off the floor, wrapping my legs around his waist. We kept kissing as he walked into his bedroom, carrying me. When we got there, he grabbed my legs to unwrap them from around his waist and threw me down on the bed. He took his shirt off. He had the most defined body I'd ever seen up close. He could have been a model. Especially a model of underwear; just perfect. He leaned over the bed and from the foot of it began crawling up toward the head of it. He laid on top of me, his skin so incredibly soft and warm against mine from being flushed with lust. As our bodies caressed one another, he gently kissed me again and started making his way down my body. He kissed down my neck, then my chest, then my stomach. He stopped at my belt and slowly unfastened it, taunting me. He even more slowly unbuttoned and unzipped them and I was begging for more inside my head. I was feeling a mixture of nervousness, excitement, and anxiety, but most of all overwhelming lust and desire. I don't think I've ever wanted anything more than I did at that very moment and I couldn't believe it was happening. He took off my shoes and socks and then pulled my pants and boxer briefs off, throwing them on the floor. I was now completely nude, and instead of being self-conscious like I always thought I would being naked in front of someone else, I felt sexual and ready for this to happen; finally. At 19-years-old I was finally having my first sexual experience with the person I wanted it to happen with -- a guy. He grabbed my ankles and applied just the slightest bit of pressure as he ran his hands up my shins, then my thighs, then my hips. I knew he was just prolonging it, trying to drive me crazy. He had to have done this before, but I didn't ask. I didn't care if I was his first or his tenth, I just liked what he was doing. Finally he grabbed my dick that was so hard from arousal it was beginning to hurt. He very lightly and gently licked the head of it before slowly inching it into his mouth. The feeling was unlike anything I had ever encountered. Of course I'd jerked off before, but it was *nothing *like the feeling of this. This was a whole new plane of sexual gratification I was a stranger to. Whenever I was jerking off the aim was to achieve orgasm. With this, it felt so good I didn't want it to end. Ever. But it did, unfortunately. He only got in maybe a couple of times of full in-and-out motion before I couldn't fight it anymore and I climaxed. It was amazing. Warm waves of sexual pleasure rippled through my body like the ebb and flow of the most beautiful ocean in existence. To my surprise, he didn't take his mouth off of me when I came. He swallowed every drop.

"I am so sorry that was so quick," I said immediately, "that was my firs -- well...I had never had anyone do that before."

"That's okay. I just wanted to make you feel good. And apparently I did," he said as he grinned and wiped his mouth. He inched back up on the bed to kiss me again and I could taste the saltiness of my cum still lingering on his lips and tongue. It kind of turned me on a little.

"I want to make you feel good too, but...I've never done it before. I don't know how."

"It's okay, I'm sure you'll figure it out," he smiled. All of a sudden a crazy and irrational thought popped into my head and I grabbed him by the back of the head and started kissing him with animalistic desire. He reciprocated and kissed me back with the same intensity. I rubbed my hands along his rock hard body that was encased in smooth, hot skin. His body was unbelievable in sight and in touch. I made my way to his belt and unfastened it, and, trying to be sexy, pulled it out of its loops on his pants and threw it across his room.

"Mmm," he moaned and whispered in my ear, "that was fuckin' hot!"

Pleased with the success of my first attempt to be sexy, I unbuttoned and unzipped his faded blue jeans that had various holes and grass stains from years of being worked in. I pulled them down to his bent knees and ran my finger along the waistband of his boxer shorts and lower abdomen. Finally I pulled those down to his knees too and grabbed his dick. It was so full and an above-average size. Suddenly I became frightened that my hare-brained idea might not work the way I wanted it to due simply to his size. But I couldn't back out now. I rubbed and caressed his uncircumcised dick and his breathing began to get harder and more lustful. I decided to go for it. I stopped kissing him for a minute in order to spit in my hand and rubbed it on him for some form of lubricant to make this venture of mind a little easier for the going. Then I lifted my legs and began trying to insert him into me. He eased forward ever so slightly and after a few minutes of trying, he finally got all the way in. It was a strange feeling; a paradoxical sensation of pleasure and pain. It hurt, but in a good way. His thrusts were slow and easy at first, but as he went a little longer, he began to pick up speed and force. He began to moan in such ecstasy I started getting turned on again and became hard once more.

"You feel so fucking good," he whispered in my ear.

Both of us were moaning louder as every thrust heightened our sensitivity to one another.

"Ohh yes...mmm...oh my God, I'm gonna cum inside you," he said, "is that what you want?"

"Yes," I managed to mutter between thrusts of pleasure and pain, "give it to me."

Suddenly his speed and force quickened dramatically and he arched his back with one final, loud moan, and it felt like a cloud had burst inside me spilling warm rain deep within. It was such an intensely pleasurable feeling and thought that I had made someone feel *that *good that I came again as he did, without either of us touching me. *That *was definitely new to me. Other than wet dreams, I'd never cum without touching myself. Derrick collapsed on top of me; out of breath and lightly covered with sweat. I closed my eyes, exhausted from pain, pleasure, and the satisfaction that I had *finally * lost my virginity. At least part of it. And four days is a long time, plenty of time for the opportunity to lose the other part...

"I told you that you'd figure out a way to make me feel good," he whispered in my ear and kissed my cheek, "I can't believe that just happened. I've never done that with anyone the first day I met them."

"But you have done that before...with a guy?" I asked curiously.

"Yeah. Once or twice. But I was always on your end of it, never this one. I mean, I've done it with one girl, but you're my first guy to do this with."

Wow,' I thought, I technically took his virginity, too.'

As we lay there together, entwined in a most intimate moment, we both drifted off to sleep with him still inside me. I couldn't have asked for a better first time.

Dinner was awkward that night, but in a good way. We had a secret that only the two of us knew. As we dined with their oblivious, unsuspecting family, we would often exchange glances and smirks; it was obvious that we were thinking about what we had done earlier in the day.

After dinner and throughout the night is when Derrick did his part of the family's farm chores. Since he had a mild allergy to the sun he couldn't be out in the heat of the day, only early in the morning, so his shift was between 9 p.m. and 8 a.m. He was a very hardworking man, and I found that out quickly when I accepted his request to help him with his work for the four days I would be there waiting for my vehicle to be repaired. The first two days my body hurt from head to toe from all the manual labor we were doing; and it's not like I was any kind of stranger to exercise. We would pick fruits and vegetables, feed and water animals, bale hay, fertilize and water plants, assist in animal births; all the normal things that come with owning and running a successful farm. It gave me a newfound respect for where my food originates from when I conveniently go to the supermarket and pick it up.

The third day is when the parts for my vehicle came in. Ricky said it would take him around another day and a half to put them in. Derrick and I didn't mind. Those three days were a blur or working and sex. As soon as we would get done working we would go to breakfast with his family and then back to his house. We'd jump in the shower together and start going at it in there, and we'd usually end up either in the bedroom, the couch, or sometimes even the floor. We must've had sex at least ten times those first three days I was at his farmhouse.

On the third night was his day off. Each family member got one night or day a week off where they didn't have to do their farm chores; someone else would cover him. That was the night I was starting to wonder what was going to happen when I went home. I had been able to use Derrick's phone to call home and leave a message on the second day, but I purposely called when I knew no one would be home so I didn't have to actually speak to anyone, and I didn't leave a return phone number. I just let them know that I was okay, but that the SUV had broken down and it was going to be a few days until I could drive it home. I was starting to get used to the work, and I even started to feel like maybe what I felt for Derrick was more than just a crush or a thing of lust -- was I actually starting to fall for him? We got along great; there was hardly ever a moment of silence between us, and he kept me laughing constantly. We had spectacular sex. I mean, I had nothing else besides masturbation to compare it to, but I couldn't imagine it getting any better. So maybe I didn't want to go. Maybe I could stay there forever. Why not? Because Derrick hadn't said anything about making this a long-term thing. That third night we got into the conversation about why I really wanted to go on this road trip, and I told him. He responded with a flat "Oh."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.

"Nothing. 19 Just...I figured at 19 if you haven't come out yet then you're happy being in the closet."

"You're telling me you're happy with no one knowing you're gay?" I asked, shocked.

"Yeah, I am. I don't have to explain my private life to my parents. It's none of their business anyway. I don't want them to ever know. That's why I could never be with someone that's out."

Ah,' I thought, that's why his tone changed. He's basically saying that he wanted to be with me before I told him I'm getting ready to come out to my parents.'

"Oh. I see," I said. His statement snapped me out of my little fantasy about staying in la-la land with him forever. It would never happen.

"You can't like...reconsider telling them? We might could make something of this if you stayed in."

"I...I can't, Derrick, I'm sorry. It's eating me up that I'm being dishonest with them. My best friend is a female and my mom swears up and down she's my girlfriend. I mean, some of it is stupid and trivial, but I want my friends and family to know the real me. I can't hide anymore."

He looked sullen and disappointed.

"Well," he said after a moment's hesitation, "we still have tonight," and smiled. I swear there were slight tears in his eyes.

"Yes we do," I smiled back, beginning to get a little depressed. Was I making a mistake by not compromising this thing to be with Derrick? Once either of them were over there would be no going back.

That night is still the most erotic, sensual, most overall senses sexual experience I have ever encountered, to this day. We lit candles all around his bedroom and spent six hours doing everything imaginable to one another we could think of. It was pure bliss. We incorporated chocolate syrup and whipped cream into foreplay. We found a chicken feather and used it to tease one another with. We held each other close and looked into each other's eyes as we made love. It was enchanting and beautiful. During our very last time together, I finally lost the rest of my virginity. Derrick had hesitated in letting me be on top because he said before when he let someone do that he didn't like it, but that he wanted to give me a `good going away present.' I was gentle with him since he said it had been a year or so since his last encounter. We were lying on his bedroom floor; wrapped up in bed sheets and one another, me on top of him, his legs wrapped tightly around my waist. I thrust gently and deliberately as I gazed down upon him in the candlelight. He looked so beautiful to me now, like a god.

"I don't want you to go," he whispered to me, "I think I'm falling in love with you."

I said nothing, but kissed him gently as he moaned lightly into my ear.

"I didn't like this before," he whispered in my ear, "but I love the feeling of you inside of me."

I smiled at him as I increased a little bit of speed. My emotions were playing a tug-of-war with my sexual desires, but it ended up being a good thing because I didn't cum right away. We were entwined with one another in pure sexual bliss for long enough to really experience it, and it was heavenly. I finally felt the orgasm approaching as I whispered in his ear, "I'm gonna cum. Look me in the eye," and he did. The sight of his face with ecstasy written all over it and his beautiful sky blue eyes were what I got to see the first time I ejaculated inside of someone. It made the experience a rush of intensity and depth. Just as my orgasm began to dissipate, I started to slow down.

"Don't stop," Derrick said to me, "go a little faster again and kiss me."

I kissed him as I started going faster and a little harder and I felt a warm rush of fluid all over my stomach. I had made him cum without touching himself either. It was my turn to collapse on top of him, spent. In the seductive candlelight I could see the outline of his face and light perspiration on his chest. He had never been more sexy to me than he was at this moment. We fell asleep with me still inside of him, still entwined together in lust. And maybe even a little bit of love.

I awoke the following morning to the sound of a door being pounded on. When I woke up and realized what was going on, I jumped up with a start, which caused Derrick to awaken.

"Oh shit, someone's here!" I said as I stood up, completely naked, with Derrick's dry and cold cum still all over my stomach. I threw on some clothes real quick, as did he.

"Fuck, my ass is sore! I'm gonna be walking all funny to answer the door!" he said as he waddled out to the living room, "here, go down the hall and pretend you were in the bathroom so whoever it is doesn't see us come out of my room together."

I was so happy this little charade would not be my life anymore soon enough. But, I did as he requested. He answered the door and I could hear Ricky say "Tell Adrian his car's ready to go!" My heart dropped. This was it. I was going home. Derrick closed the door and I came out of the bathroom. He was quickly wiping tears from his eyes in the hopes that I wouldn't see. I walked up and gave him a hug and a kiss.

"If you ever change your mind about coming out, or about being with someone who is out -- "

"I won't. But thanks. These four days were probably the best of my life."

We stood huddled together for a few final moments. It was over.

The Logan family invited me to partake in one final meal with them. I thanked them all individually, especially Tonya and Ricky, who were the ones that got my vehicle running again, basically for free. I said goodbye to everyone and packed up my cargo area. Derrick followed me outside.

"If you ever want to take another road trip, come see us sometime, okay?" he said. I could tell he was holding back tears.

"If only things could be different, huh?" I responded.

"Yeah. If only."

He shook my hand because he knew his family was watching. We said goodbye and I got in my SUV and drove away; crying inside, smiling, waving, and blowing my horn on the outside.

I made it back home in a day and a half, only stopping once to sleep and eat. I wasn't really in the mood for either. I took my entire family out to a nice restaurant the next day and said I wanted to make a toast, and that's when I did the big reveal. It was welcomed by all with loving acceptance. In fact, it was kind of anti-climactic. No one had anything negative or even sad to say, even Katie's brother Jeremy.

I finished college and became a counselor who works with those who have had mental trauma and I love it. I am now 28-years-old and I've been with my partner, Seth, for four years. We are very happy together, and I wouldn't change my life for anything. I regret little. I'm still close with Katie, and we even live on the same block. She got married and currently has two little boys and a girl on the way. I never saw Derrick again, but sometimes when I'm alone at night, I think about him and wonder how he's doing. Did anything ever change for him, or is he still working on his parents' farm and living a lie? No matter, I will never forget him or the life changing events that happened that summer, and on that huge farm on Somewhere Road. They made me the man I am today.

-THE END-