Somewhere I Have Never Travelled 26
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Spring did come again, despite the feeling by late March that it wouldn't. Rob was focused on his work that was not quite what he wanted, but certainly had begun to pay well now that he was promoted. He could better afford the mortgage payments and was relieved that he didn't have to ask for some of his inheritance in order to do it. He wanted to accomplish this on his own terms.
Sam had arranged to come into town to shop for a suit for the wedding now that his Masters was done. He picked him up at the train station and they drove back to Rob's house in Cabbagetown. He fed Sam lunch and they sat and talked about plans.
Rob put down his fork, "Where will you guys live now that you've graduated?"
"Good question. Right now we're going to stay put. Mark is toying with a PhD and I've got some job interviews in town. There's an art gallery that needs some administrative stuff, and the community college is looking for a sessional instructor, so there are options."
"What about Tomas?"
"Right now, he's got some piano students, but he's looking to form a chamber group -- a trio or something -- I don't know how these things work. But if he does, they will be based where we are, so he won't leave. But there's a lot of details to work out for all of us. Which is why we're just going to stay put for now."
They sat for a while longer, then Rob drove to some clothing stores, Sam trying on suits, getting shoes. Rob was struck by how excited Sam was. Even though his relationship with Mark was so strong there was something about the prospect of making a public declaration that excited him. He turned to him at one point and said,
"You're really into this whole wedding thing. I'm almost surprised."
"Why? We want to say it out loud in a formal kind of way with all of our nearest and dearest."
"I get that...but I never thought of you as...I don't know...traditional in that way."
Sam laughed. "Traditional, huh? So the fact that's it's two guys makes it traditional?"
"Good point. I get it." He noticed what Sam had tried on. "That suit looks really good on you."
They bought it and drove back to Rob's house. They ordered in for dinner and sat in the living room drinking wine. Rob felt an easy flow to their conversation which they had always had, even in the dark days. He was almost amazed they could still have it after all the years and given how much had changed.
Sam got up and pulled his pipe from his bag and filled it. He took a few puffs and handed it to Rob. He normally didn't smoke these days, but since it was his brother it seemed rude not to. He puffed a few times and handed it back.
Rob got up and put on some music and lowered the lights a bit. He sat back down and stretched his legs out, feeling the music wash over him.
He turned to Sam, who was sitting with his eyes closed. "Do you think about our childhood much?"
Sam opened his eyes and turned to him. "Sometimes. Not very often. It's kind of painful."
"Yeah. It is. Painful to remember, and remember how it felt." He reached for the pipe again, which Sam handed to him. Exhaling another puff he said,
"Do you supposed our parents remember...I mean of course they remember, but do they think about it?"
Sam coughed a little, putting the pipe down. "I have no idea. Part of me doesn't want to know."
"I agree. I don't really want to know. But I'm glad they at least apologized. It felt sincere to me."
Sam looked at him. "Mostly. Sometimes I wonder if they just felt guilty. And they should feel guilty."
"They really should."
Rob sat for a while, listening to the music, feeling the THC running through his brain. He turned to Sam again. "Do you ever think about...the stuff we did together?"
Without opening his eyes, Sam said, "I wondered if this is where you were going. Sure. Sometimes."
"What do you think about it now."
"What do you mean." He had opened his eyes and was looking at him.
Rob felt uncomfortable. "I don't know...but I think about it." He cleared his throat. "You know when I saw you in Quebec, just standing there in the kitchen mostly naked, I was surprised."
Sam continued to look at him. "About what?"
"At how amazing you looked." His voice was low and he wanted to run, but just sat there.
There was silence in the room. Sam lit the pipe again, taking a puff. He handed it to Rob, who took it and inhaled a few times. He put the pipe on the coffee table. "That's enough for me." Then he heard Sam's voice.
"I wondered what was going on with you. It felt strange. But I...didn't mind you looking, if I'm being honest."
"You didn't?"
"No. You're my brother."
Rob was startled. He hadn't thought about it that way. Sam spoke again.
"I think it's time for bed."
He got up and walked up the stairs. Rob sat for a while, thinking about the conversation. He got up and turned off the lights and went upstairs. Sam was in the guest room down the hall. His door was closed. He went into his room and took his clothes off, sliding into bed. He lay for a while staring at the ceiling.
"Can I sleep with you?"
Rob was startled. Sam was standing at the door in his underwear.
"Sure."
Sam walked over and slipped into the bed beside him. They lay, both staring at the ceiling as if the answer was there somewhere. He heard Sam's voice.
"That weekend when we all did MDMA. That was intense, wasn't it?"
"Yeah it was. It also felt right. That we expressed something to each other that way."
Rob knew he didn't need to spell it out. It was something they had done many times before.
"It did feel right."
He felt Sam's hand touch his leg, felt it slide up his thigh, then slide over his cock which was already hard, and up to his belly, then back down, grasping him firmly. Rob turned a little to look at Sam's face which was still and his eyes were closed. Rob reached over and found Sam's cock and traced his fingers over it lightly. He could remember so many times when, hearing chaos downstairs between his parents, they had lain like this, holding each other, as if for protection.
Sam began to moved his hand along his length. Rob inhaled as the sensation swept his body. He did the same on Sam, who gasped. It was as if they had never been touched. Sam moved himself closer so their bodies were in contact. He could feel Sam's legs against his. It was familiar, but a feeling from the past.
Then he felt Sam turn to him, his hands sliding along his chest, and he moved down, still grasping him but then he felt Sam's tongue on his cock, his lips sucking on the end. It was almost overwhelming. He found he was gasping as if for air. Sam moved his head down, taking him all the way. He moved back and did it again. He held the base of his cock and sucked on the head, his tongue exploring. He could feel Sam grinding himself into the bed.
He reached out and pulled Sam's legs toward him, and Sam, seeming to know, positioned himself at Rob's mouth. Rob kissed his cock a few times, remembering the smell, the texture. He sucked him in, his hand on Sam's ass, pushing him all the way in. They sucked each other for a while, as if the years hadn't past since the last time they had done this. In the darkness of their room, a refuge from the disturbance below them.
Rob's could feel the intensity grow as Sam sucked him, slide his hand along his length, his tongue all over the head, almost distracting him from the feel of Sam deep in his mouth, almost in his throat. He could taste the salt and the sweat. He realized his hips were getting involved, starting to fuck Sam's mouth. Then Sam pulled off him, sitting up. He looked down at Rob, still taking him in. He slid his cock out of Rob's mouth.
"I want you to fuck me. I think you've always wanted to."
The words lay between them. Rob was almost stunned, as if Sam had been reading his mind all these years. In response, Rob sat up and pulled the lube out of the table by the bed.
Sam lay down on his back and raised his legs. Rob moved so he was between Sam's legs, his cock resting on Sam's balls. He poured lube on his cock and on Sam's and pushed them together, feeling the wetness as their cocks moved against each other, then as his cock slid against Sam's balls. The lube was dribbling below and Rob caught it and started to push it into Sam, feeling Sam open to him. He looked into his eyes and Sam smiled a little smile.
The head of Rob's cock was right there, and he circled the entrance to him, rubbing the head of his cock against the soft skin. He felt this was a dream, since he had dreamt about this many years ago, but in the dream it had never got to this point, the point where he pushed and Sam let him slide in. He slid in smoothly and once he was all the way he looked into Sam's face. "Is this what you want?"
"Yes. But just this once. Never again."
"I agree." And with that he began to fuck him. Slowly he pushed in and pulled out, all the while staring into Sam's eyes. They didn't kiss and Rob realized he didn't want to. But this was like some kind of cleansing ritual, a ritual that in some way would release them from the past. He held Sam's knees as he pushed faster. He could feel the sensation in his whole body, could feel Sam opening to him. Faster and a little faster his hips kept going. Sam reached back and grabbed his ass and pulled him into him.
When Rob was reaching some kind of climax he began to gasp and Sam pushed even harder on his ass until he felt his whole being let go, and let go into Sam, waves of pleasure running up and down his body as he emptied himself. Sam pushed him off and he got up on his knees, his cock rigid and wet and Rob looked into his eyes, watching him jerk himself a few times. Then Sam stood on the bed and slid his cock into his mouth just as he came and he felt strong pulses of cum hitting his mouth. Sam just looked down watching him swallow.
Sam sank down to his knees, breathing heavily, just looking at Rob. He wondered how he was feeling, because he was feeling calm. Released. They stared at each other for a few moments, then Sam leaned forward and kissed him lightly. He looked into his eyes and said, "I'm going back to the other room."
Rob understood, and it felt right. He lay back and closed his eyes. It was like something had finished that was started many years before. And the end was the beginning -- at least for him -- of something new. Something that his struggle with James had begun. Something about being himself with another, rather than being the same as an other or in conflict with an other. He reached for his phone by the table and began to text James,
Just to say that I love you and I hope you are having a nice evening. When are the movers coming to your place on Saturday?
He thought about the fact that they were bringing their material lives together, sharing them in space together. He knew, for James, this was a big deal. An act far more radical than the kind of life he had been leading which he felt was radical but was actually just repeating something from the past. Doing something new, he realized, was the most radical act of all.
The next morning neither he nor Sam talked about the previous evening and they had a quiet breakfast in the back yard before he drove Sam to the train station. He watched Sam get on the train, as if to a new life which, in many ways, was true. His phone buzzed and he saw it was James:
I love you, too. I was asleep when you texted, but I did have a nice evening, although mostly packing bloody boxes of bloody books. Why do I have so many books? The movers are coming at 8. Fun, fun fun! XX
Rob laughed and sent back some X's, amazed at how, even through a text, James seemed more settled and relaxed. And open.
After the movers left the following week, he and James lay on the bed exhausted, just staring at the ceiling. Rob turned to him,
"How are you feeling now that it's all done?"
James turned to him, kissing his nose. "It feels really nice." He reached down and slid his hand in Rob's shorts. "This feels really nice as well."
Rob slid his shorts down to give him better access, reaching for James's track pants and pulling them down. Rob felt sweaty and didn't have much energy, but the touch on him from James after all the work felt soothing. James kissed him more intensely then leaned back,
"Should we shower?"
Rob thought a moment. "That's a good idea."
Under the water, their arms wrapped around each other, they just stood, feeling the sweat and fatigue dissolve. James took the soap and began to massage Rob with it, soaping up his chest and his cock, between his legs. Rob got hard almost immediately, but James seemed to ignore it. He turned Rob around and soaped up his back, then his ass, sliding his soapy fingers in him, then he felt James's cock begin to slide in the crack.
"Moving makes you randy, I see."
"I guess it does." James licked his ear. "Can I fuck you?"
"Of course. I want you to."
James seemed to be soaping up his cock and then he slowly slid himself into Rob and with him leaning against the side of the shower, began to lazily fuck him, reaching around and jerking him off. They stood like this for a while, enjoying the water, enjoying the motion of James into him, nothing too energetic until, moving a little faster, James gasped a little and he slowed down. Rob came right after and James collected it in his hand and brought it to his mouth.
They stayed like this for a while, James still all the way in him, his arms wrapped around Rob's chest and Rob finally said,
"Let's go to bed."
They untangled from each other and dried off, then crawled into bed. James was still hard and he said,
"I want to go to sleep inside you." He reach for a bit of lube and then slid his cock back into Rob, who, as he fell asleep, had a fantasy they were one person, but still themselves at the same time.