Somewhere I Have Never Travelled 22
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Rob's texts felt like stabs in his stomach. James was trying to read a particularly dense book on French history, but he couldn't concentrate. Fuck. He was annoyed and ashamed and angry all at once. What the hell does he want with me? But he knew. But didn't want to know.
He threw down his book. Diego was sweet, but there was a part of him that didn't know why he had done it, had agreed to see Rob even though he was supposed to hook up with Diego. When Rob came into the bedroom and tried to join them, it all felt wrong. He was annoyed but knew he didn't have the right to say so.
He decided to go for a walk to clear his head. Diego had texted him earlier but he knew he had to ignore it. He was already ignoring Rob's texts so didn't feel it was right to answer Diego's. It was like a bloody soap opera.
Why do guys always feel they can control me? He decided to let his anger have free reign. He imagined saying to Rob that he was making all kinds of unwarranted assumptions, that sure, they were having a nice time, blah blah, but that didn't mean they were getting fucking married, did it?
He found he even resented Sam and Mark. He didn't want to be around their cozy little situation. Even if they seemed to be including Tomas more and more. It was all so...conventional. He walked quickly through a park and sat on a bench, not really caring where he was. Spring was here, that was good. The air was warm on his face and he turned his face up to take it all in.
After a while, he got up and continued walking through campus, trying to still his mind. Without thinking about it, he found himself at the athletic centre. He went to his locker and put on his bathing suit, but rather than head for the pool he went to the sauna. It was still early and there was no one around, most students having left at the end of term. He sat there in the heat, his bathing suit beside him, his cock growing in the warmth. Someone opened the door and he put his suit in his lap, but the guy stood for a moment, looking at him, then got on his knees in front of him. He took the bathing suit off, and the guy leaned in, sucking him down.
Over the next weeks, he quite studiously didn't call Rob. Or Diego. He concentrated on trying figure out his Master's thesis on a post-Revolutionary shift in morals, but was having trouble formulating something. He hooked up with guys online, or in various places he knew like-minded guys would appear and the sexual release calmed him down; it made him both focus on his work and forget about Rob. But he woke from dreams several times with the image of his face, his longs legs, his quiet voice lingering in his mind in ways that almost infuriated him.
One Sunday morning, while sitting in the Perking Lot, Sam came in. He didn't notice him at first, ordering and choosing pastry, but he turned and their eyes met. Sam raised his eyebrows and then, collecting his coffee, came and sat down opposite him.
"Hey."
"Hi Sam. How are you."
"I'm fine...but my brother is not doing so well. You haven't responded to any of our texts...what's going on?"
James wanted to fun, to scream, to hide. He just sat there, staring at his half finished coffee and the crumbs of his muffin. Finally he said,
"What business is it of yours..." and immediately regretted it. He cleared his throat. "Look. I'm sorry. That was a shitty thing to say."
"You're right. It was." Sam sipped his coffee, looking at him steadily.
"I just think...that Rob's expectations of me were unreasonable. He wanted too much from me."
"Right. Fair. But ghosting him? After months of being together? What the hell?"
James suddenly felt like he was five years old, in front of his father, being yelled at. For something he didn't even remember. Wow, where did that memory come from? Part of him wanted to lash out of Sam, to tell him to go fuck himself. But he knew that impulse came from something deeper, way more uncomfortable. From a terror of having to be held responsible. Responsibility that his father beat into him, over and over again. Now he was almost allergic to it, terrified of it. Avoided it at all costs.
"I know." He could feel his voice almost break. "I know."
"So you know. You should do more than just know. You should do something." He stopped talking and James could tell he was controlling himself. "Have we ever told you about our parents?"
"I don't think so, but Mark said they were pretty shitty when you and Rob were young."
"Yeah, pretty shitty. They drank all the time and fought and threw things at each other. And said terrible things to each other. For years. And when Rob and I were in our late teens, for some reason, they saw how awful their lives were and they got cleaned up. They got their shit together. And more than that, they apologized. To us. Directly. We knew it was fucking hard for them to do it, and I could tell they didn't want to do it, but they sure as hell did it. And it made a difference. We forgave them. I'm still a bit resentful, and Rob a bit more than me, but for the most part we have accepted their apologies. And they have been amazing parents ever since.
"What are you trying to say?" But James knew what he was saying and it hurt.
"Think about it. You're a smart guy."
With that he got up and left the coffee shop. James felt tears filling his eyes and he wanted to scream he hated them so much. As if tears were the culprit. He collected himself and left the coffee shop. Fuck fuck fuck, was all he could think. He didn't want to call Rob, didn't want to apologize, didn't want to even acknowledge that he had done anything wrong. To anyone. But that was the problem. He could hear Sam in his mind telling him this. The problem was him not wanting to acknowledge his part in his life. He just wanted to live and not think.
He went to his room, packed a little bag and went to the train station.
Outside Rob's place, he hesitated. It was Sunday afternoon. He could be anywhere. But he decided to prevail over something in himself. He knocked on the door.
After a minute or so, the door opened and there was Rob. He looked tired.
"Hi."
Rob was silent, just looking at him. He stepped back and seemed to be inviting him in. He walked past him and into the living room. He wasn't sure where to sit and Rob didn't help him, so he perched on the edge of the sofa. Rob sat in a chair opposite.
"I know it's been too long, I know I should have called you, I know I've been a shit. But can we talk?Now?"
"About what?"
James knew in that moment it wasn't not going to be easy. How could it be easy?
"About why I just disappeared."
"For weeks."
"For weeks. I know it's not about me saying sorry..."
"It's a start."
"Ok, fair. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I think some old part me kicked in and felt all righteous about monogamy and commitment..."
"Hold on. I just want to point out that I never asked for either."
"I know. I really do. I'm just telling you what happened."
"Fine."
"So, I kind of panicked. I turned to the first guy that I saw and at the same moment agreed to see you that weekend. I behaved like an ass and I'm so sorry...I'm really sorry..." and he broke down. He hid his face in his hands and tears, then sobs poured out of him. "I've missed you so much. I can't even begin to say how much. Rob I really do love you, but I've been such a shit. If there is any chance we could start again..." and the sobs came back.
Rob stared at him, not saying anything. James looked up, trying to contain any more crying. Rob's cheeks were flushed. He wasn't sure if it was anger or something else. Rob stood up and got a box of tissues from the dining room table and handed it to him.
James finally asked, his voice a bit dull. "Can you say something?"
Rob just looked at him for a moment. "I don't want to make this easy for you."
"It shouldn't be easy for me."
"You're right. It shouldn't." But Rob came and sat beside him on the sofa. He put his arm around James and pulled him into him. He kissed his forehead. "I've never seen you cry before. You must be hurting."
The empathy in Rob's voice was almost like a knife in his belly. He started crying again. "How can you be so good. How is that possible?"
"Sometimes people are good. Come. Let's lie down. No sex. Just lying down."
They went up to Rob's bedroom and lay together. James wrapped his arms around him and his head lay on Rob's chest. He listened to his breathing. For some time they were still.
James woke, wondering how long he had been asleep. They were still in the same position. He looked up at Rob's face, which was still. He was staring at the ceiling.
James felt it was a risk, but he spoke. "How are you."
"It's nice just lying here with you."
The words were surprising to James. It wasn't what he expected. "It is nice. Really nice. I've missed this."
"I can't tell you how much I've missed you. It's been really hard."
James cringed inside. "I wish I hadn't done what I did."
"Me too. But you are going to pay."
At first, he thought Rob was going to throw him out until Rob turned and sat on him. He reached down and started undoing his shirt, a little smile on his face. "Don't move, don't do anything. Just lie there for a while."
James understood. He lay there and realized he was getting really turned on, but he stayed still, letting Rob undo his buttons and strip off his shirt. Rob looked down at his bare chest, then grabbed both nipples and squeezed them a few times. James had to close his eyes the feeling was so intense and then he felt Rob's tongue on them, then his teeth nibbling them. He almost cried out and grabbed Rob's head in the hands.
Rob leaned back and moved off him and turned, undoing his pants and slipping them off, underwear and all. He was naked and he felt vulnerable since Rob was wearing all his clothes.
They looked at each other for a moment, then Rob said,
"Open my pants."
He sat up and undid Rob's belt, opened the fly and pulled his jeans down to his thighs. His underwear was distended by his cock. He grabbed the waist of his briefs and slid them down. He looked up into Rob's eyes. He was smiling down at him, but not entirely easily as if there was something else mixed in with pleasure.
He finally said in a low voice, "Suck me."
James slid forward and took his cock in his mouth, working his tongue around the bottom of Rob's cock, who put his hands on the back of James's head and pushed him all the way down on it."
"I'm going to fuck your face."
James looked up at him as Rob began to push into his throat, the length of his entire cock going deep, right into his throat. He almost gagged on it, but kept his breath regular and managed to take it all. He was amazed by the power in Rob's commands and his willingness to submit, a feeling he was not used to having, not used to letting himself be used in this way. But just as much, he was amazed at how incredibly exciting it was. He felt like he could give over his will to Rob, that he would let him do anything to him.
Rob continued fucking his mouth, then slid out, a long trail of spit and precum following. James gasped and caught his breath. He leaned back and went to jerk himself a moment. Rob cut him off. "Don't touch it." He took his hand away. Even that was exciting. Denying him pleasure. It was a new feeling.
Rob got off the bed, his cock sticking out angry and red and slick. He went into the bathroom across the hall and came back with some lube. Rob looked down at him, almost appraisingly. "If I had rope, I would tie you up."
"I wish you did..."
"Interesting. We'll have to try that some time. But now I'm going to fuck you and I'm not going to take it easy. How do you want it?"
James was practically dizzy with desire, he could hardly think much less decide. "Take me any way you want."
"That's the right answer. On all fours."
James turned so his ass was pointed at Rob. "And don't touch yourself. This is all about me."
With that, James understood. This was both punishment and a rapprochement. That's why it felt so intense and, amazingly, he was more turned on than he had been in years.
He heard Rob open the lube and felt fingers in his ass, the lube a little cold. Then he heard the liquid sound of it on Rob's cock. He threw the lube on the bed. Then without any warning, Rob slid his cock in to him, not slowly but not too quickly. James's whole body felt a kind of blaze of pleasure radiating out from his balls. Rob immediately began to thrust into him, holding his hips for traction, driving himself forward, their bodies colliding as if thrown together. He shut his eyes and sailed along on the intensity.
Rob kept it going for a while, clearly holding himself back, clearly enjoying the intensity of each thrust forward, and little grunt came from him. He stopped a couple times, and adjusted his angle or his distance from him, but James could tell he was close. With a last few wild, almost primal drives forward, Rob suddenly pulled himself out of his ass and moved quickly to James's mouth. He was there on his knees, jacking his almost impossibly hard cock right in front of him.
"I'm going to cum and you're going to take it. Open your mouth."
James almost fainted he was so excited. He could feel his own cock right on the edge as it had been for a while. But he kept himself from touching it and with a couple of strokes, Rob unloaded on his tongue, spurting to the back of his mouth, on his teeth. He kept his mouth open without swallowing, as if he knew he wasn't supposed to. Rob finished, a few drops landing on his tongue. The he leaned back, just looking at him. "Swallow."
He did and it sent him over the edge, and despite what Rob said, he grabbed his dick and starting pumping jets all over the bed. Rob laughed, and not unkindly. "Poor boy. I really kept you on a short leash, didn't I?"
"Fuck! That was intense. That was the hottest thing I've done...in years. It was all in your voice. You are a magician!"
Rob laughed again. "I'm glad it worked. I wasn't sure if I could keep it going."
He lay down on the bed and pulled James to him. They lay face to face for a moment, then Rob leaned in and kissed him. "You can respond you know, I've stopped being in charge." James laughed and kissed him back. He looked into Rob's eyes. "I'm grateful you could hear me. That you accepted my apology. You didn't have to."
"No, you're right. I didn't. But I wanted to...well, I think I needed to. I've missed you so much. It was driving me crazy. But I wouldn't have accepted it if you hadn't been so...well...vulnerable with me. I needed you to show me. Not just say the words. And you did." He kissed James again. They lay for a while longer, just breathing.
James was amazed. He had felt like he was falling apart, but what he worried was falling apart was actually letting himself be more himself. He had never considered that possibility before. He lay, starting at the ceiling.
James woke and looked at the clock. It was almost time for dinner. He slid out of bed and put his underwear on and went to the kitchen. He rooted around in Rob's fridge and pulled out a few vegetables. He found garlic and an onion. He began to make an easy sauce for the pasta he also found. As he chopped he was amazed at how relaxed he felt. A tension had left his body and it obvious to him why it left. It was because he was there, in his underwear, in Rob's kitchen. And Rob was in the bedroom, dozing. He worked for a while, chopping almost meditatively.
Rob came in a little while later. He laughed,
"Aren't you afraid you'll spill something hot on yourself?"
"The risk of being a chef."
Rob walked over and kissed him, then got down on knees, pulled his dick out, and sucked him for a while. "How can I work this way." But he didn't stop him and surprisingly, eagerly, he came in Rob's mouth which felt like a final act of forgiveness. Rob stood up and kissed him, the real forgiveness being that Rob fed him his cum with the kiss, and he swallowed.
They had a quiet dinner, in the nude, all things hidden now in plain sight.