Somewhere I Have Never Travelled 20
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Spring did indeed come and the icy grip winter had on everything faded. Daffodils and tulips started to appear, and people emerged, as if from caves, and looked up at the sun as if they had never seen it before.
Rob came to the end of his Masters feeling relieved. He knew he didn't want any more school, at least for a while. He found a job in a bank, a junior manager position that was, he quickly realized, not very interesting. But it paid the bills. He knew he could just ask his parents for money, but he wanted to support himself. He knew Sam felt the same way. They loved their parents, but the wounds of their history would probably never completely heal, even if everyone had done their penance and apologized and moved forward. If he was tired, or in a weaker moment, flashes of memory came to him of some of the awful things his parents did to each other when they were kids, often with their sons witnessing. Those things don't just go away, he knew.
James had been coming to the city every weekend, or he would drive to see him. It seemed, at least for a while, if things had settled down with him. They still had amazing sex, and often in interesting places, or positions. They tried it with a third person, they even went to a bathhouse together, but Rob said afterward it wasn't something he wanted to do again.
This was last week, and he knew James was slightly annoyed with him. He still was loving and attentive, but he could tell there was a fundamental frustration with him. As if he was narrow-minded or caving to heterosexual norms. It made Rob a bit angry.
And now James had just texted to say he wasn't coming down for the weekend. He was going to a graduation party of a friend. Did he want to come up instead? Rob was torn. He felt the need to see James, but was irritated by the last minute change. It sounded reasonable, going to a party for a friend, but something didn't feel right. But he decided to drive up anyway.
Once at James's room, he found him looking through his closet for something to wear. He kissed James on the cheek and sat on the bed. James turned to him,
"How was the drive?"
"Not too bad. It's always good to be going against the traffic. It only took two hours this time."
"I'm glad. What should I wear?"
"How about that green shirt?"
"I don't know...yeah, I guess."
He pulled of his sweatshirt and put on the green shirt. He looked in the mirror. "You were right, of course. This is the right one." He leaned down and kissed Rob quickly, then asked,
"You ready to go?"
"I guess."
"You're not really into this are you?"
"Oh, I'll be fine. I don't know any of these people, do I?"
"Not really. Mark and Tomas won't be there...I'm not sure if you know anyone else. They're all History majors. A different breed."
"Right. I probably don't."
There was a knock at the door. "Come in," James called out.
The door opened and a slim, dark guy came in. He looked at Rob in surprise, then extended his hand,
"Hey...I'm Diego...you are?"
"Oh, I'm Rob. James's boyfriend." He realized he was saying it almost proprietarily and he felt a bit ashamed. There was a vibe in the air, he realized.
James turned to him, his face calm, almost blank. "Diego is a friend of mine from History. We're walking to Sarah's place with him."
Rob nodded. "Cool. Are you in the masters program?"
"Yeah. I just finished. What a relief!"
"Me too, I just finished economics. What a drag that was."
They talked while James chose some pants. He realized Diego was a nice guy and his initial reaction faded. Rob put his long legs on the bed and felt more relaxed.
"Shall we go?" James smiled at them.
Diego nodded. "Let's go."
The party was loud and, like many end-of-year parties at a university, a bit excessive. There was much drinking, pot smoked in copious quantities, other substances and loud music. The three of them wandered around, Rob mostly listening, while James and Diego talked to many different people in various states of inebriation. He realized he didn't miss the excesses of university life. Not at all.
He decided to get a little drunk, in self defence, so he designated himself the bartender for the three of them. He found a stash of wine in the refrigerator and kept their glasses full. James hung on to him for a while, but he also seemed quite physical with Diego. Maybe he was just drunk? He couldn't tell. They smoked some pot and sat on a rickety sofa, trying to have a conversation with two women, but it was so loud, he couldn't actually tell what was being said.
He went out the back deck at one point and stood, sipping his wine, breathing the soft night air. His head feeling a little more clear, he went back in to find the other two. He wanted to leave. Maybe I should have stayed in the city, he thought.
They were nowhere to be found, at least on the main floor. He went upstairs, starting to understand what was going on. He opened a couple of door, not seeing them. He found them on a bed in a small bedroom. They were kissing and Diego's pants were open and James had his hands around a very hard cock.
He watched for a second, feeling angry and a little turned on. He decided to go with the latter. "Hey, can I join?"
James looked up, his face blank for a second, then he smiled. Rob wondered how sincere it was. Diego just grinned at him.
He went over to the bed and sat on the other side of James, slipping his hand up his back, under the green t-shirt. James's hand went to his crotch, massaging his growing cock. Diego stood up and slipped his pants off, leaving his black t-shirt. His cock was thick and hard and James grabbed it and started licking it. Rob decided to join the fun, so he stood up and dropped his pants and presented James with his hardening dick from the other side. James took it in his hand without looking and started jacking it while he sucked Diego.
James kept this up for a little while, and Rob was feeling a little numb from the wine and knew that he wouldn't cum any time soon. He pulled James from Diego's cock and pulled his shirt off, then undid his pants. James just watched him and it almost looked like he was annoyed. In the alcoholic haze, Rob decided not to notice. James, now naked, turned back to Diego and said, "Fuck me."
Rob was a bit startled. Not that he shouldn't get fucked, but here, now, after not seeing him for a couple of weeks? What was going on?
James reached for his pants and tossed Diego a little packet of lube. Diego eagerly slicked himself up, then stuck a few sticky fingers in James asshole. James slid back on the bed and, without looking at James, moved his legs back, presenting his ass. Diego got up and almost brutally jammed his cock in James, who gasped and reached around and pushed Diego's toward him, his hands digging into his muscular ass. Rob just watched, fascinated, and slightly dismayed.
He tried to jack himself while he watched but some other feeling kept getting in the way. He leaned down to kiss James, who absently turned to him and their lips met briefly, but then he turned toward Diego again, who leaned down and their mouths met in a wild, almost desperate kiss. Rob sat back, watching, his own cock deflating. He could feel a sick feeling in his belly get stronger.
He got off the bed, found his clothes and slipped them on. He walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. He wasn't angry any more, but he felt alone, as if a door had slammed. Was it in him, or in James?
He decided to walk to Mark and Sam's place and see if Mark was in. He didn't want to go to James's room and for reasons that were not clear to him.
When he got to their little building, he looked up and saw a light on in their apartment. He texted,
Hey Mark. Are you up for a visitor? I know it's late, but I'm in town and need a friend.
He waited for a moment.
Of course! Where are you?
I'm downstairs.
Come on up!
He went in and up to their floor. Mark was standing in the hall, waiting for him. He walked into his arms and he felt tears begin to well up in his eyes. He just stood there, feeling more sad than he expected.
Mark pulled back and looked at him. "What's going on?"
"Can we sit down? Do you have any scotch, or something?"
"Sure."
He led Rob in and sat him on the sofa. There was soft music playing. He could see books on the desk and his laptop clearly had a paper in mid-composition. "I hope I'm not interrupting some deep thoughts."
"Not at all." He handed Rob a tumbler. He took a big sip and sighed.
Mark watched him, concern on his face. "James?"
"How did you guess?"
"What happened?"
"It was weird. I wanted him to come to the city, but he said he wanted to go to a graduation party for one of his friends, but this guy came with us who I guess he knows and, well, they hooked up in someone's bedroom. That's not such a bad thing, really. I don't care about who he hooks up with, but why would he do it when I'm there, and without me? It felt like he was trying to tell me something."
Mark thought for a moment, taking a sip from his own glass. "That's pretty shitty. What is going on with him? I thought things were going well between you two?"
"So did I."
They were silent for a few minutes, Rob just staring into his glass.
"What are you going to do?"
"I have no idea. I guess I need to talk with him. But not tonight. We had too much to drink and...well, I'm kind of angry so I don't think now would be a good time."
"Do you want to stay here?"
"I was going to ask...is that ok?"
"Of course! You're family. You can stay here whenever you want."
A rush of gratitude and love washed over him. Tears began to run down his cheeks. "I'm a mess...sorry."
"Don't apologize. I would be in the same state as you if I were in that position. Let me just clean up this mess and close my laptop and we can get in bed and just talk."
Mark bundled him into the bed, gave him some water and climbed in beside him, nestling his head into his shoulder. Rob realized it didn't feel sexual at all, but felt more profound and needed than he expected. It was the care and the tenderness he had wanted, and perhaps had wanted all along from James. Could he even give it to him? Did he want to?
Rob told him about the state of things with James, about the good things and the not-so-good. About his frustrations and fears. Mark just listened. After a while, Mark fell asleep, his head still resting on his shoulder. Rob pulled his arm around the sleeping Mark and they both slept.
In the morning, Rob awoke. Sun was streaming in the room. He heard the sound of dishes and smelled coffee. He was just about to get up, when Mark came in with a tray with coffee and croissant and big jug of water.
"You probably need to drink some water."
Rob laughed. "Thanks, Mom. No really, thanks so much for letting me crash here. It really helped." He took some coffee and they munched in silence for a minute. Mark asked,
"Are you going to try and see James?"
"I guess so. But I'm not sure what to say."
"Well...that you felt excluded, that you were angry...um...what the fuck was that all about....you know, that stuff."
"I know. I have a feeling he's going to pull one of those "don't oppress me with your conventional morality" things. It drives me crazy."
"Right. He's good at that."
"But I think I need to."
"Need to tell him how you feel?"
"Yeah, that."
He left Mark's, fortified by more coffee and a long hug and went to James's residence. He went up to his door and knocked. There was no answer. He knocked again, afraid he would wake his neighbours. Still no answer. He texted,
Hey James. Where are you?
He waited for a while. Nothing.
I'm sorry I took off last night, but I was angry.
No answer.
Can you call me when you can? Please?
He put his phone away, and went downstairs, got in his car and left for Toronto, trying not to cry. What the fuck was James doing? He drove for a while longer and a thought came to him. Maybe things were going a little too well between them. James doesn't like to feel too comfortable. It freaks him out. He also realized he wasn't sure he could be understanding any more.