Somewhere I Have Never Travelled 10
James took the train back: a long, slow, snowy trip. Several times the train stopped while the tracks were cleared, so the journey took two hours longer than usual.
He stared out the window, his unread French novel in his lap, his coffee congealing on the little fold-out table. The train was mostly empty on the Wednesday afternoon, but it warm and cozy. His thoughts swirled around his night with Rob, how intense it had been, and he could still feel both his cock deep within him, and Rob's warm eyes on him. It felt confusing and a little alarm bell was going off in his stomach. I hope Rob isn't getting too into this, he thought. We had fun, he told himself, we had a really good time, but...
He was getting hard just thinking about it. But there was an unspoken something, especially when he woke the next morning, sun all over the place, and Rob clearly had been watching him. What was that all about? He felt a stab of nervousness, because deep down, in some part of himself he didn't quite want to know about, he liked it, he liked waking in this guys arms who was just looking at him. He closed his eyes and could feel the sun in his chest and Rob's hand slowly massaging his belly.
He hoped Rob wasn't becoming too clingy...too attached. There's no reason for that. He found he was getting restless, so he stood up and stretched. He looked down the car for the bathroom and walked unsteadily toward it in the slowly rocking train. Just before he got to the end of the car, he saw someone reading, his hair over his face, his skin light brown and smooth, his legs long. Just as he reached his seat, they guy looked up and smiled. A smile James knew, a smile he had given to people like this. He smiled back and looked at the washroom ahead then back to the guy.
He kept going, having made his invitation. He opened the door and went in, leaving it slightly open, then he sat on the toilet. There wasn't much room, and James legs almost reached the wall.
A moment later, the guy opened the door a bit more and looked down at James with a bigger smile. Then he slipped in and shut it behind him. There was almost no room, but James reached for the guys jeans and undid them, sliding them down to his knees. He was wearing red boxers and his cock was already tenting them out. He reached in and pulled out a long, veiny cock that he stroked and looked up at the guy's face, whose eyes were already half closed.
"Nice," he murmured, and began to lick the head and pump it in his hand. It was as if in this simple movement, the complications behind Rob's eyes began to fade and he forgot about him, about that serene morning in bed, about everything except the taste of this guys dick, which was now leaking into his mouth and the guy was softly groaning, the skin of his face now glowing with a little sweat.
James took him in, and began to move his head up and down, his tongue tickling the end of his cock each time he came up, the guy beginning to rub his hands through his hair.
Every guy does the same thing, he thought, every guy begins to pump his hips and drive deeper into his mouth, as this one was. The guy was breathing more heavily and James could smell the rawness in the air, the sweat on this guy -- or maybe it was him. He brought his mouth off the guy's length and looked up at him.
"This ok?"
"Fuck yeah." and he pushed his cock back in James' mouth, starting to rock his hips a bit more, giving out little gasps. There was something a little arrogant about him that he both found exciting and enraging. His mind went involuntarily to some faded moment when he was a little boy and the feeling was the same, of feeling very small and not because he was small...with someone...and having to just take it. His dad, he assumed. He let the cock hit the back of his throat and he gasped, but didn't come off it.
"Fucking take it. I'm going cum down your throat."
The words were electric in their ruthlessness. He sucked faster, his neck getting sore. The guy was really cocky and all of a sudden he pulled off and stood up. Some other part of himself took over and he pushed the guy by the shoulders to his knees, undoing his pants, releasing his own aching cock.
"Now it's your turn."
And he shoved it in to the guys mouth. He seemed as into this as he was of the opposite, to his surprise. James thrust into his mouth, feeling his own cum surprisingly close, thrusting a few times while holding the guy's jaws in his hands. He began to gasp a little.
"Are you ready?"
The guy just looked up at him, his eyes unreadable. James began to unload in the guy's mouth, short, strong blast. Even before he was finished, he pulled the guy up and he went down, feeling a few globs of his cum hit the top of his head as it fell from the guy's mouth.
He took his cock in and pumped it at the same time with one hand. The guy was beside himself, gasping and choking, and in a second he was filling James mouth, pushing out all thought, all feeling, there was just this moment, the salty tang on his tongue, the musk of this guys sweat. He swallowed and almost hummed in the back of his throat.
He looked up. "That was awesome. Thanks."
The guy just looked down at him, almost amazed at what just happened, and so quickly.
"Yeah, cool. Thanks." It was all he said. He pulled up his pants, doing them up and left the tiny washroom. James rose and wiped his face off. He looked in the mirror, not really thinking about anything. He straightened his hair.
Back in his seat, feeling as if he had just taken a sedative, his body at rest, his mind quiet, he dozed.
He woke up just as the train was reaching its destination. A dream was sitting at the edge of his mind, a dream that was fragmenting even as he tried to watch it. Soon all he could remember, to his mild annoyance, was an image of a face. Smiling and bright. Fuck. The face danced in his mind like a talisman and he wished it would go. He wished his mind would go back to the comfortable, post-orgasmic blank of a little while ago, but no, there was just the face of Rob, staring at him.
He got out of the train, into the snow, the wind assaulting him seemingly from all sides. He began the walk to campus, wondering if he should find a cab. He could still taste the guy in his mouth, but now it felt kind of...sour? Fuck! I'm feeling down, he thought.
He entered the residence and went to his room where he flopped on the bed almost in frustration. He wondered where Matteo was. Then he looked at his phone, suddenly almost afraid of what he might see.
Hey James. I hope the train is not snowed in somewhere. Thanks for last night (and this morning!). Let's do it again soon. XX
He wanted to delete it, but some other part of him stepped in and he calmed down. It's just a text, a nice one at that, but it doesn't mean we're married. He thought of Sam and Mark upstairs. Probably spooning in bliss. But there was a little part of him that liked that Rob had reached out. Would he have done the same?
Really nice on this end. Not too bad with snow, but slow. Just arrived back. Talk soon.
He threw his phone on the bed and looked around the room. He had a paper to write and a ton of reading. Instead he got up and left his room, going upstairs.
Sam was at his desk, Mark was curled on the bed with a book, and writing notes in his laptop as he read.
"Hey guys. Nice day, huh?"
Sam looked up and smiled. "A good day to get some work done. We're going to smoke some later, if you want to join.
"Nah, thanks. I saw Rob yesterday. He says you two are...kind of an item?"
Mark looked up, a startled expression on his face, which gradually faded as he said,
"News travels fast!" and he looked over at Sam. "Yeah, we kinda are."
Sam smiled at him, and James felt awkward, intrusive.
"You guys want to go get coffee downstairs? I'm feeling like I don't want to work, but I don't want to just hang around alone..."
"Sounds good to me. I'm just about done. Mark?"
"Sure, I can stop anytime. Let's go."
They went to the cafeteria, which was deserted, as if everyone had left town for the afternoon.
They sat and talked of nothing, of movies and politics. Sam was looking at him thoughtfully.
"So...are you and Rob..."
James was a bit startled. "Um...well we've hung out...I mean last night. I guess that's something." The euphemism was obvious.
"That's cool! I'm so glad." and Sam's face said the same thing. "I think you two would be great together."
"Well, I don't know...we'll see." He didn't want to let on how...what? Conflicted he was? How annoyed he was?
Mark looked over his coffee cup at him, his eyes still and curious.
"You've known Rob since last year?"
"Yeah, but not very well. We moved in different circles. Sam could tell you."
Sam nodded. "Rob kind a hung with a different crowd. They seemed kind of snooty."
James sighed. "I remember thinking he was hot then, and I still do...but. Who knows?" He looked at Sam, wondering what he was thinking. "It seems like you think I should go for it, or something...I mean with your brother."
"Of course, you're both cool dudes! I would love it if you got together."
He felt a little stab or resentment in him that bubbled up. "Well I don't like doing what's expected of him, like we all have an obligation to pair up and have children or something..." and he stopped, a little startled by the heat behind his words. Sam was just looking at him steadily.
"No one is expecting anything, James, so chill. I just think it would be nice for both of you. It's your call of course."
"I know...sorry. It pisses me when I feel pressure. Which I guess I do. I know you don't mean to, but that's how it feels."
"No pressure from me," and he had almost forgotten Mark was there, who was also looking at him thoughtfully, "but I just want to say that safety is overrated." And he looked down at his coffee, as if embarrassed, then he looked up at Sam with a little smile.
He looked at Mark, not wanting to understand him. He sighed in frustration and looked at his watch, hoping he was late for something. "Well boys, I'll leave you to your coffee. Later."
He smiled but didn't feel like smiling and left, wandering upstairs wondering what he would do. He felt like running, or yelling, or sleeping or all three at the same time. What is wrong with me? Back in his room, Matteo was sprawled on his bed, his headphones on, his eyes closed. He threw himself on his bed. Matteo opened his eyes and looked at him.
"Ok, what's with you?"
"I have no idea. I can't seem to sit still. I think I'll get a shower." He stood up and got his towel.
"You look like someone who's got boy trouble. I mean, straight guys look the same when they have girl trouble, so I assume it's more or less the same."
"Very funny. But...shit...yeah. I suppose I do."
Matteo looked serious. "And by boy trouble, I think we mean that you are trying not feel something and it's fucking you up...am I right?"
He just looked at Matteo. Straight guys were not supposed to be this sensitive.
"Yes, mom. You're right. Now I'm going to wash."
He left the room and went to the shower room which at the hour of the afternoon was completley empty which suited him fine. He soaped himself up and just let the water hypnotize him, scalding and intense.
He looked up and his stomach fell. There was guy he didn't recognize across from him. Why do they always come to our showers? He felt a bit of territorial frustration. And he was hot and dark and he was staring at him with big eyes and a little smile. He slowly began to massage his belly, then around his growing cock, which was now poking from a forest of dark hair. His smile grew bigger as James watched, his own cock growing. He was getting into this, he wanted to go over there and kneel down and take him down.
He reached for his own cock and began to jack it slowly, in time with the guy across from him. They just looked at each other's hands slowly pumping. James rubbed his chest and gave a nipple a little twist and he gasped. The other guy's rhythm increased. This was going to be fast, he thought. He picked up speed, pumping his dick as he watched the other guy go, getting a little frantic, then with grunt, the guy emptied himself onto the floor, and James let loose right after, feeling both satisfied and as if nothing had happened. The guy smiled at him, and licked his lips. James felt almost annoyed and he walked across to other the other guy and took a bit of cum from the end of the guy's cock and brought it to his mouth. He was about to say something when the guy just gave him an odd look, grabbed his towel and left the stall, walking quickly away.
Well that was weird, he thought. He got his towel and left, feeling unsettled and annoyed. He went back to the room, wet and unsatisfied. Matteo was still lying on his bed, still listening to music.
"Why am I so fucked up over Rob?"
"Well, why are you so fucked up over Rob?"
"Ahh. You're not helping! But we just spent some time together, and..."
"And the problem is...?"
"I don't fucking know! But part of me wants to text him to say how into him I am, and part of me wants to forget him."
"Right. Conflicted? Ambivalent? James, man, I've know you for almost two years. You don't like taking risks...or those kind anyway. Maggie says that about me sometimes. She thinks it's a guy thing, not to take emotional risks. I don't know if she's right. But you...you take risks, but...I don't know...you stay cool. I don't know how you do it."
He looked at Matteo for a few seconds, marvelling at the wisdom from a jock -- an albeit smart one -- but a jock, nonetheless. Cool. That seemed like the right word. And he had the memory of lying in Rob's bed, bathed in sun, stillness, and this warm guy just looking at him. Just that. Why did that make him feel so unsettled?
"But I don't think it's fair...I mean I don't want to confine myself to one person...I don't want to hurt him...because I assume he wouldn't want that...you know? He sighed, and looked at Matteo.
Matteo shrugged. "Maggie would dumb me, or lynch me if I suggested an open relationship but the thing is, I don't want that either. Do you really know what Rob wants? Maybe he sees things the way you do. In other words, why don't you just ask him, rather than coming to all these conclusions all on your own?"
James just looked at him, chastened. "You're a good guy, you know that?"
Matteo just blushed, shrugged, and looked at his phone. He pulled out his own and sat on his bed, beginning to text,
Hey Rob. I had a lovely time, I meant to say that before. If I came to the city, would you want to hang out again this weekend?
And he threw his phone to one side, lying down with a thump and just stared at the ceiling. What was with those brothers anyway?