Somebody

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Somebody, part two

By

Butters2020

Sean, age 14

Every day in Group we start with a feelings check. Some people's feelings never change. I don't know if that's because their feelings are really the same all the time or they just say the same thing to say something and get it over with. Other people seem to take Group more seriously than other people. Like Bryce, he looked right at Sheila and said he felt horny. I think he was just trying to get a rise out of Richard but Richard just asked him how it felt to be horny in a no touch facility. Bryce said there's no rule against self-touch so he was making out okay.

Today I'm supposed to share my story and I'm scared. The first day when we went around and said why we were here, Richard said that was the tip of the iceberg but every day another person would go below the surface and share the deeper story. Sparkle went yesterday. No one knows what happened in the cloakroom except Richard. Obviously Archie won't give me a hard time but I'm nervousing about what Bryce will say. He nervouses me anyway. I try not to sit next to him, either at Group or in the cafeteria.

I started out slow, with lots of pauses. I was rubbing the bandages on my wrists the whole time. Richard had to tell me three times to breathe. But I finally told everyone what happened with Jordan, and how he said I talked him into messing around and I was a predator homosexual. I told how I got expelled from Catholic School and how my parents freaked out about everyone at school knowing. How even after I slit my wrists the first time they were more worried about people knowing I tried to kill myself than they were that I, you know, tried to kill myself.

Archie said, "The first time?" and Richard had to remind him not to interrupt, but I said, "Yeah. The first time was after that day at school with Jordan when I got expelled. Mom and Dad kept quizzing me in the hospital. 'How do you know you're gay if you've never been with a girl? Maybe you just haven't met the right girl yet? You're too young to know. You're only fourteen you can't know you'll still feel this way next year, or the year after that.'" I noticed Archie nodding his head, not like he agreed with him, but like he'd heard the same stuff himself.

I rubbed my wrists harder. When I tried to speak again my voice broke. I reached for the box of Kleenex in the middle of the circle. Richard told me to take my time. I took a couple of deep breaths and tried again. "When I got out of the hospital, I didn't notice at first that we weren't going home. When I did, I asked where we were going and Mom said, 'some place to make you better.' I thought it was someplace like here." I waved my arms around the circle. "But it wasn't like this place at all. It was some place that was supposed to make me not be gay anymore." And then I started crying for real. So hard I couldn't talk.

Archie said, "You don't have to say anymore."

Richard said, "Yes he does, Archie. You don't cut someone open and then leave him with an exposed wound. I know it's uncomfortable to hear, but that's no reason to ask Sean to stop. He'll be okay. When you're ready, Sean, keep going."

I said, "It started out with reading the Bible and praying and shit like that. But then they made me look at guys. Pictures of naked guys. And made me watch gay porn. All kinds of gay porn. And they had the same kind of EKG stuff on me that I had in the hospital and other stuff on me too. They had this thing wrapped around my dick that could tell every time I got even a little bit hard and they had wires taped to me. On my chest and my dick and balls and if I reacted to the gay pictures or videos they shocked me. They shocked my dick. I still have scars on my penis." I rubbed my bandages. The fourth day I was there I broke a coffee cup and used one of the pieces to cut my wrists again. They had to call an ambulance and I was taken to the hospital again.

"I told my parents if they sent me back to that place I would keep trying to kill myself until I got it right. And I would tell everyone what they did to me at that place. They said I couldn't live with them anymore. They stopped coming to see me at the hospital. A week later my aunt came and said they were trying to figure out who would get me. Cuz no one wants me. When I got out of the hospital some lady showed up and brought me here." I blew my nose. I couldn't look at anyone. Sheila and Sparkle and Bryce and Archie all knew about the scars on my junk and everything. After a minute I said, "So that's my story."

Richard said, "Does anyone want to offer Sean any feedback?"

I didn't want feedback from anyone. I hoped no one had any but I knew Richard wouldn't let that happen. I looked at Archie, knowing he would have something supportive to say. He looked pissed. I couldn't tell who he was mad at, though. Then Bryce said, "That Jordan guy is a dick. And your parents are dicks. Fuck 'em."

That was the last thing I expected him to say.

Sheila said, "What would you have done with Jordan if the nun hadn't walked in on you?" Richard said questions weren't feedback, and that Sheila shouldn't confuse her issues with my story. Archie looked at him when he said that, and then back at me. He didn't look pissed anymore, but he looked . . . something.

Sparkle said she thought my mom really did love me or she wouldn't have called 911 when she found me in my room with my wrists bleeding. "She must still want you around, right? I mean, she could have just waited for you to die and then called for help."

Richard asked Archie if he had any feedback. Archie said, "I'm trying not to confuse my issues with Sean's story."

That was all he had to say, which bummed me out. I wanted to hear what he had to say most of all.

Archie, age 16

I've been out for two years. This fourteen-year-old isn't out at all and he's had more action than I've had. How is that fair? Everyone at school knows I'm gay and no one's ever looked at me and this kid's getting picked up at recess or whatever. I'm not blaming him. He's a cute kid, I can see why this Jordan character would hit on him. It's what I get for holding out hope that something could happen with me and Jonathan. That stupid song described him perfectly with one exception. He's straight. How many Jordan experiences could I have had if I hadn't been convinced that my love was enough to convert Jonathan?

But the rest of his story. I had to put up with the same "maybe you just haven't met the right girl" bullshit from dad when I told them I was gay, but that conversion clinic or whatever it was. How is that place even legal? His story broke my heart. I felt guilty for focusing on closet Sean being with someone when I haven't.

I was sitting on a bench by the pond tossing pieces of bread to the ducks. This guy I've seen on the grounds before came over to me. I think I've seen him in the Orioles Group but I'm not sure. He was older than me. Maybe eighteen, maybe twenty-two? He was skinny and had black, greasy hair. He sat next to me and lit a cigarette.

After a few seconds he said, "Is it true that you're a cocksucker?"

Wow. Nice to meet you, too. It was not true that I was a cocksucker, since I had yet to suck an honest to God cock, but I wasn't going to let technicalities stand in the way. "You got a problem with that?" I said.

"No man, it's cool." He smoked his cigarette. I fed the ducks. "Just so you know, I'm into girls."

"Congratulations," I said.

"Yeah, well, so far girls aren't all that into me." I hadn't paid that much attention to him before. Now I looked at him. He wasn't hideous looking. If he'd wash his hair and quit smoking and stop being crazy he'd probably get a girlfriend. I didn't know what his crazy was, but he had to have one or he wouldn't be here. He tossed his butt on the grass but put his foot on it when one of the ducks came running for it. He shot me a look and said, "I've never had my cock sucked."

"But I bet you'd like to," I said.

"Well sure, who wouldn't?"

Fuck it. If I can't have Somebody, then I'll have Everybody. I said, "Even if it wasn't a girl who sucked it?" Why else was he here, asking me if it was true that I was a cocksucker?

He didn't say anything which isn't the same thing as saying NO. I tossed the last of the bread to the ducks and said, "Well, see you around." I got up.

He said, "As long as no one knew."

"Yeah?"

He looked up at me. "Yeah."

"Let's go."

It's not like we had a lot of places we could go. I led him to my room. If Sean was there I'd ask him to give us some privacy, but the room was empty. There were four desks in the room. Is this what a college dorm room is like? Four desks, four beds, two guys? Four guys when the room is full. I sat in one of the desk chairs and Greasy Hair stood in front of me. Neither of us said anything. I watched while he undid his belt and pulled his pants down. His boxers followed. He wasn't fully hard but was getting there. I rolled the chair up to him.

I'd gone two years as Gay Archie without seeing any cocks but mine and here I was looking at my second one in less than twenty-four hours. I reached for it. I'd spent a lot of time imagining my first cock and it wasn't this guy's. I closed my eyes. I ran my fingers along Greasy Hair's dick.

"This isn't a date," he said. "I told you I like girls. If you're not gonna suck it, I'm going."

I like girls. He's not Jonathan but it might not be hard to pretend he was. I leaned forward and put his half-hard dick in my mouth. I think we both had our eyes closed. We both pretended we were with someone else. His dick got harder in my mouth. Harder and bigger. I sucked it. I ran my tongue over the head, the shaft, using him to learn how to suck cock. I jacked him while I sucked. I played with his balls but didn't use my mouth on them. He hadn't earned that.

Part of me hoped I'd forget this as soon as he left, but you always remember your first car, your first kiss, and for better or worse, for the rest of my life Greasy Hair will be the first cock I ever sucked. But it was his first blowjob too and I was going to make sure that when he remembered it---when he remembered me---he wouldn't regret it.

I noticed when I swallowed the accumulation of spit in my mouth that he moaned. I don't know why he liked that so much but I made sure I did it a lot. It occurred to me that we never discussed what would happen when he came. I make a lot of precum and often scoop it up on my finger and lick it up but I've never eaten my cum. I nervoused about eating Greasy Hair's. It wouldn't be a happy memory for either of us if our first experience with a blow job culminated with me puking on his cock. When it became clear he was about to cum I was going to pull off and finish him by hand.

But Greasy Hair had other ideas. He was getting more vocal. No longer just moaning. "Yeah. Suck me." More moans, and then "Ooh, good little cocksucker!" followed by more moans. My cock was still in my pants. Even if I'd wanted to, I had a feeling he wouldn't appreciated it if I jacked off while I was going down on Mister I Like Girls. Then his cock swelled and I knew what was coming. And what was cumming. I pulled back but he grabbed the back of my head and pulled it back onto this cock. "No, you don't. Take it, bitch. Take my spunk."

And then he was gone. Like I imagined the whole thing. One second I'm sucking off greasy hair and he's calling me his bitch and fucking my face and then I'm sitting in the chair staring at the wall and Sean is saying, "Archie? Archie are you okay?" and the only reason I know I didn't make it up is there's cum all over my face.

Sean, age 14

Richard always made sure there was a box of tissues at Group. Sometimes no one took any. Sometimes the box got all used up by one or two people. I was really surprised when Bryce went through half the box. He was always so cocky and full of attitude. But he always does the homework Richard gives us.

I got to my one-on-one session with Richard early yesterday. His door was closed so I waited outside his office for him to finish with whoever he was meeting with. When the door opened Bryce came out and he wasn't cocky at all like he was in Group. He looked like he'd just taken a really hard test that he was glad was over, but that he thought he'd passed. He saw me and nodded but didn't say anything.

Richard always says it works best if we're honest but he also says it works best if we work and Bryce works really hard. But then he'll say something jerky and be a dick. But I think the jerky dick Bryce is fake. Or not fake really. Armor? Like if he's a dick to you first you won't be a dick to him? I don't know. Anyway, he wasn't a dick today. It was his turn to go beneath the surface and share more of his story. I didn't understand most of it. He jumped all over the place but I got the idea that he was fucked up. He used the word depressed a lot but he didn't act depressed to me. He said he cut himself to feel something? Or maybe to let feelings out? He was crying pretty hard when he got to that part and it was hard to understand him. When it was time to give him feedback all I could say was it was hard to hear his story and I wished he wasn't fucked up. But then he smirked at me and I wasn't sure any of what he said had been real or not. I just can't figure him out.

I mostly ate meals with Archie. Partly because I worried about him. Partly cuz we shared a room. Partly cuz we were the only gay guys here and I didn't think anyone else would want to eat with me. Partly cuz I had a crush on him that was getting stronger every day. Mostly though, cuz I worried about him. We're all broken here. But sometimes I think he's more broken than the rest of us and I don't even know his story yet.

Sometimes I eat with Bryce. Which is the last person I thought I'd eat with. Sometimes Bryce eats with me and Archie. Sometimes Bryce eats with Sheila but only cuz he's flirting with her.

Sometimes William stops by the table. He doesn't say anything but Archie gets up and they walk off together. I don't think Archie knows his name. He calls him Greasy Hair. I walked in on them last week while Archie was sucking William's dick. Archie didn't notice me coming in. William looked at me but ignored me, like I didn't matter. He just went back to calling Archie dirty names and then pulled his dick out of Archie's mouth and cummed all over his face. And Archie just sat there staring while William did it. Like, whatever, treat me like a cum rag.

William's not the only one Archie does stuff with. I've walked in on him and Lyle, too. It always makes me sad. Not jealous, even though I'm crushing on Archie hard. If he was dating William or Lyle or even liked them, I would be jealous. But he doesn't know Lyle's name either. He calls him Blondie. What he does with them isn't sexy, it's just sex.

No secrets, right? I jack off three or four times a week. At home it was once a day. At least. I don't do it that much here, but I can't give it up completely. Sometimes I do it in the shower. Sometimes in the bathroom stall, but mostly in bed after Archie is asleep. Sometimes I think about stuff but sometimes I just watch Archie sleeping while I do it, which I guess makes me a pervert on top of all my other issues.

But I don't think he's jacked off once since he's been here. He sucks off William and Lyle, and maybe other people that I don't know about, but they never do anything for him and he doesn't even take his dick out when he's sucking them. The times I walked in on them he's been hard sometimes but sometimes he wasn't hard at all. It's not like Sheila, who's addicted to sex. He's not getting anything out of it. He looks almost sad or angry when he sucks them off. Sometimes he looks bored or, I don't know, vacant.

If hope he never asks if I want him to suck me. I don't know what I'd say. I do want him to. But not like he sucks those other guys. The first day in Group he said he's here because he checks out. I'm not sure what he meant but it's like he's checked out when he's giving head. I don't want him to suck me if he's going to be checked out when he's doing it. I want him to be fully here with me. And I want to be as involved with it as he is. I wouldn't grab his head like it was a sex toy and unload in his mouth, or on his face, just to push him away and then leave. I'd wrap my arms around him and kiss him tenderly. I'd want to be in bed together, not standing in front of him while he sat in a desk chair.

I rub the bandages on my wrists. Sometimes I wish I was more like Archie. He's not afraid to be who he is. And sometimes I'm glad I'm not more like Archie. Everyone here is fucked up. But it's more than that with him. I've never seen anyone as sad as him.

He's even sad when he sleeps. Sometimes he cries in the middle of the night and it wakes me up. The first time it happened I thought he was just crying so I pretended I was still asleep so he wouldn't be embarrassed, but when I peeked at him through my eyelashes I saw he was crying in his sleep. I didn't know people did that. I'd heard of people talking in their sleep but not crying. Was he dreaming?

I got out of bed and went over to him. "Archie? Archie wake up. You're okay." It was like I was a ghost. He couldn't hear me. I shook his arm. He didn't wake up but shook me off like I was a bee that was bugging him. "Archie?" He wasn't squalling like a baby, just doing like hiccups every once in a while but the tears were non-stop. I wondered if I should get someone. Richard didn't live here. There was a night nurse somewhere and other staff people, but what if they took Archie to the hospital wing or something. He'd kill me.

I climbed into bed with him and wrapped my arms around him and just kept telling him he's okay and after a couple minutes he stopped crying. I waited until I was sure he was sleeping normal again and then wiped the tears off his face and went back to bed.

That happened a couple times a week but I never mentioned it the next morning.

Archie, age 16

"Therapy works best if you're honest," Richard started every session the same way, whether it's Group or our one-on-ones, like today. This time he added, "I don't think you're always honest with me, Archie."

That kind of pissed me off. I didn't always do the homework he gave me 100% but I don't think I'd ever lied to him. "About what?"

Richard never answered a question if he could help it. Instead of telling me what he thought I wasn't being honest about, he said, "Lyle and William were fired this morning."

"Who?"

Richard studied my face, like he was trying to figure out if I was bullshitting him. But I had no idea who Lyle and William were. He looked disappointed. He tapped on his computer and turned the monitor around. Two Heritage ID badges were on the screen. The pictures on the badges were Greasy Hair and Blondie. Richard said, "William Haig and Lyle McMillan."

"Oh. Those guys." I made a face. He did that trick of his, not saying anything, letting the silence work. When the quiet got to where it was driving me crazy I said, "I didn't know they worked here. I thought they were patients. Like me."

"If they had been, then all three of you would be gone. As you know, there are rules about sexual contact between residential patients." I was sweating. Richard said, "As it is, you were nearly asked to leave. It came down to whether you were having sex, a violation of the rules, or whether you were engaged in self-harm, a manifestation of your illness that we can treat, or whether you were the victim of assault."

"I don't want to be kicked out," I said, surprising myself.

"Be honest with me, Archie. Were William and Lyle the only ones? No others?"

"Just them. I never knew their names."

"You had sex with them, but didn't know their names?"

It was one thing for Sean to walk in me those few times but this was humiliating. "It wasn't sex. It was...I don't know how to explain it. I didn't even like them. They mostly pissed me off."

"What about Sean? You share a room with him. Have you ever done anything with him?"

"NO! I like Sean! I mean, he's my friend. I would never sex him up."

"I believe you. But it raises a question: why do you only have sex with people for whom you feel contempt? Why would you never have sex with someone you like?"

I sat there and he did that Let the Silence Work thing. Five whole minutes of silence this time before I gave in. "It's not that I won't have sex with someone I like. I'll only have sex with someone who likes me. I'll only have sex with Somebody. And that's Nobody."

He nodded. "I've let you put it off, but it's been two weeks. Tomorrow I want you to share your story in Group."

"I can't."

"Yes you can. These aren't strangers anymore. Sean shared his story when he didn't know the other Cardinals from Adam's housecat. Your homework tonight: start working on your story. Because tomorrow you're going to share it. Therapy works best when you're honest.

I didn't feel like eating lunch so I sat on the bench feeding the ducks, then hung out in the room for a while, trying to figure out what I was going to say tomorrow. Sean came back from the cafeteria with a banana.

"I brought you this," he said. I wondered if he was being snarky, since bananas look a little like hard cocks, but Sean isn't like that. He was just worried I was hungry.

"Thanks," I said. "I might eat it later."

After a minute of him staring at me he said, "You okay?"

"I'm just nervousing. Richard says I have to share my story tomorrow and I don't know what to say."

"Just tell it. You'll be okay."

"I'm not like the rest of you. You all have issues. I'm crazy. It's embarrassing."

"Don't tell it to the group. Just tell it to me. I don't care how crazy you are." He grinned. "Anyway, I don't think you're as crazy as you think. But for real, you've got my support. Once you say stuff out loud, you might see it differently and realize you really aren't crazy. You're just fucked up. You know, like the rest of us."

He meant well but he didn't know how scared I was. "Sean, what if I check out again?"

He came and sat next to me on my bed. "Then I'll be here when you check back in. We all will."

I looked at the bandages on his wrists and wondered when they would come off. I ran my thumb over the bandage on his hand closest to me. "I'm glad you didn't succeed. Either time."

He looked up at me and smiled shyly.

Sean, age 14

It turns me on knowing that Archie watches me jacking off at night. I didn't know how long he was watching me. I didn't notice it until a few nights ago. I know I should have been doing it in the bathroom. I tried that, but someone heard the fapping noise I was making in the stall and teased me. I don't think they knew it was me, but they made all kinds of comments. It was the first time I felt ashamed for jacking off. After that I waited until Archie was asleep, and then I did it in bed.

But the fourth time I did it, after I cummed I saw the nightlight reflected in his eyes. They were open. And watching me. If he had said something when he saw me playing with myself I guess I would have felt embarrassed like I had in the bathroom. But he never said a word. He just watched me. He watched me playing with my dick and he watched me while I shot. Which, no lie, was HOT.

After that, jacking off was better than ever. Because he watched me do it. That's what I thought of now when I jacked off: Archie watching me. Or I thought of the times I saw him when he came back from the shower and saw him getting dressed. I just had a handful of pubes but he has a lot. And his dick is way bigger than mine. Mine is just kinda there. But his hangs down to where his nuts start. And his nuts hang down too. I mean, mine hang down, but they're kinda bunched up at the same time. He's got these low hangers that are amazing.

So, when I play with myself in bed, I think of Archie watching me, or I think of Naked Archie with his dick and nuts. Or I imagine stuff that I've never seen---like Archie with a boner. Or Archie playing with HIMSELF. Or me and Archie doing the stuff that me and Jordan did in the cloakroom. Or me doing to Archie the stuff he did to William and Lyle.

But not him doing it to me. Cuz when he did it to them he always seemed either angry, or halfway checked out. I'm not sure what he means when he says he checks out. Not really.

But right now, all I'm aware of is my hand on my boner. I love that he's watching me. Does he really not know that I know he's watching? Is he hard? He must like watching or he would roll over. Or tell me to stop. Tonight, I try something new. Not because I think I might like it, although I might. But because I hope Archie likes watching me do it. I lick my finger and rub my butt hole. I hear him take a sharp breath when I do it and I smile. I don't think he can see me smile in the darkened room, even with the night light, but if he can, I hope he thinks it's just because I like how it feels.

And to be honest, It does feel kinda of neat. I rub my butt hole a little harder and I make a noise that I didn't mean to make. I've never made noise before. I jack my dick faster. I put my heels together and spread my knees which makes it easier to get to my butt hole. I lick my finger again and rub my hole faster. All of a sudden my knee start flapping up and down like my legs are the wings of a big horny bird and I make another noise and then I'm squirting. I keep rubbing my butt hole until I finish cumming and then I pull up my pajamas, covering up the cum that landed on my belly and pubes.

The way playing with my butt makes me cum so hard, there's no question that I just haven't met the right girl. I am one hundred percent gay. Like I do every night I watch Archie to see if he's going to play with his dick, but he doesn't. He never does. I don't know how he's gone so long without cumming.