So Sad
Written by Kevin (mySithie@hotmail.com)
All names of people and places have been changed, so if they match a person or place in real life, then it's purely by coincidence.
I hated high school. It couldn't get any worse than it already was. I was not in the 'in' crowd, nor was I popular. I was boring old Kevin. I hated it. I hated my life. I dreaded waking up to meet another morning.
The alarm beeped, and I promptly slapped it. The clock read '6:00'. School. The worst part of my day. I got up and got in the shower. The warm rays of water soaked my body, and made me feel good. The warm rays of water seemed to be the only thing keeping me awake. Every time I closed my eyes I felt like falling asleep. I just couldn't keep them open.
I got out of the shower and walked down the long hallway to my room. Completely black. I had covered the window with black drapes because I hated looking at the outside world. The only time I ever ventured into the great beyond known as Bainesville, Pennsylvania, was when I was going to school. I dropped the towel onto my floor and pulled open the top drawer of my dresser. I picked out one of my favorite shirts, the one that read 'AntiCrombie', and put it on over my head. I got out my favorite pair of black cargo pants, and put them on also. I grabbed a bite to eat, picked up my walkman and headphones, and walked out of the door to my bus stop.
The days were getting warmer. Every day the sun was a little brighter. I hated noticing things like that. I hated noticing anything. I couldn't say that I lived for any one thing in particular, but.. but maybe it was the little things that all added together to make me happy. Happy- in my own way. I pushed play on my CD player, awaiting to hear what CD I had left in there the night before. Ahh, Brave New World by Iron Maiden. Pure magnificence.
The bus pulled up like normal and I boarded it, along with the other seven people at my bus stop. They were all with me, and yet I was so alone. I was always alone. I had at the most five friends. I hated people. They made me sick. You're probably thinking What the fuck is this kid's problem? right about now. There's a lot of explaining to do.
I was gay. There was no avoiding the fact. It was inevitable. I had to face it every day. Though still in the closet, I often had to deal with my surroundings. The hard surroundings that made you cringe. Hearing the phrases 'that's so gay', 'you're a fag', or 'god that's so queer', did not exactly please me. I never showed myself to anyone.
The bus pulled up at the school like normal. I got out and walked in the front door. Oh, how I hated school. These hallways before me just screamed hatred at me. I was so sad. So fed up with it all.
Then, Joey was in my sight. Joey was the purpose of staying alive. I wouldn't be able to live if I didn't see Joey every day. He wasn't even one of my friends. He was just the most gorgeous guy on the planet. Five foot five, brown hair combed forward that came off his forehead in the front, and the weirdest eyes. By weird, I mean that no matter where you were, even complete darkness, you could see his eyes. They were like a beautiful sort of glass. They made me want to just hold him.
I couldn't hold him.
My eyes looked away from him as he walked down the hall. He was one of 'them'. He was a prep. I hated preps. Abercombie, American Eagle, Gap- I hated it all. It seemed like a waste to me. Why should Joey, someone so beautiful, waste himself by acting preppy and hanging out with the other like himself?
Because that's the way it was, and I couldn't change it, no matter how hard I would ever want to try. I didn't want to try. I didn't want to give in and be like him. That was too much. What would everyone think of me then?
Geometry. The last period of my horrible day. Wait, maybe it wasn't so horrible. Joey was in it. He walked in, wearing a blue shirt with a red stripe that went around it. Then, instead of coming over to me and giving me a big hug like I would wish if things were different, he started talking to his other little prep friends. I got sick to my stomach. I hated them all. I hated Joey, but I was in love with him.
Every night, I sat there in bed, thinking about Joey. Every day, I sat there on the couch watching TV, and you can damn well believe that I wasn't paying attention to the TV, I was thinking about Joey.
All I could to was think about him. Every day, every night. I wanted more than just thoughts. I wanted the real thing.
Like what you've read? E-mail me at mySithie@hotmail.com if you think I should continue. Thank you. -Kevin